Posts Tagged ‘Ted Prior’

Film starts with music from Halloween mixed up with a dance beat. Very disturbing. We see one hot chick preparing for getting a color in solarium. She puts her clothes off, lays inside the device and starts working her tan. Suddenly, device gets closed like a clam trapping her inside! Big fire starts inside the chamber (?!) and solarium becomes a crematorium!!! Result of that is one really HOT chick!!! Next scene is instantly switching us to the “Rhonda’s workout”. That’s the name of the place where accident had happened. Actually, it was “Second Sun” tanning salon and fried chick named Valerie was it’s owner. Rhonda turned out to be her twin sister (that’s a surprise) who took over a place 5 years later in order to make fitness salon.
A lot of good looking girls (and one fat guy) are inside doing something that looks like erotic aerobic (or some retarded MTV video for that matter). But the main girl (Jaimy) is late. She is fitness instructor. We see her leaving her car in a hurry on a parking lot. In haste she drops her purse, having spilled enough condoms for entire army which clearly shows us that she is a slut. She went straight to Rhonda passing by some big-muscles-small-brain guy (Tom) who was trying to hit on her. Rhonda was really pissed off by the fact that she had to hold Jaimy’s class instead of doing her business books.

Moment after, we are under showers where handsome black chick (Rachael) is washing herself. But someone is sneaking around. Who could it be? Horny Tom who is hitting on every girl that passes by? Who knows? One thing is for sure – she is going to die!!! The very same moment she turned her face away from the wall she got stroked by very large safety pin!!! Yeah, you heard it well – SAFETY PIN!!! Killer must be the surgeon or something since he managed to hit same neck vein with every fucking swing of safety pin. Rachael bleeds to death and that’s the end of her workout. Couple of minutes later Jaimy is coming to locker room. She hears knocking in one of the lockers. She opens it and false severed arm pops out. Someone tried to make a prank. Angered Jaimy shot a locker doors hard. Now nearby locker gets opened and inside it there is one big black naked corpse. Yeah, that’s the girl from the showers. Jaimy starts screaming and that’s the end of the first chapter.

The murder weapon

Now it’s a time to meet Lt. Morgan, clumsy detective who works on this case. Morgan is sniffing around locker room while paramedics are putting corpse in big white plastic bag (I thought that black one is more traditional, but never-mind that now). It seems that he had found some clue. On the way out he falls on false severed arm prank too. Lt Morgan enters Rhonda’s office to ask her and Jaimy couple of questions. During that time he presented us his sick sense of humor by making a remark that Rachael ain’t pretty no more.

If you see this arm then you are about to discover a corpse

Despite the murder gym is still full of girls who are working out like nothing had ever happened. Jaimy is with them this time . She isn’t late today but that doesn’t matter to Rhonda who gives her a lesson during the class. What a bitch!!! But Rhonda is not without her worries too. She finds another big-muscles-small-brain guy sniffing around her office. That guy is no one else than Ted Prior (Chuck) himself!!! He was sent by Rhonda’s senior partner from San Diego to make sure everything is fine. Rhonda doesn’t look too happy about that. Now back to Chuck. Leaving Rhonda to cool off he went to take out the trash while wearing a tight shorts (Trash dumping in tight pants seems to be some kind of Ted Prior’s trademark) and almost got run over by third big-muscles-no-brain dude named Jimmy. After brief conversation and Jimmy’s warnings to stay away from Rhonda they decided to engage a pretty gay fight. Two guys with big muscles slapping each other like two school-girls is something both funny and disgusting in same time, especially when more mutated disco runs in background. Entire fight was watched by Debbie, a really hot chick who decided to bring the winner home with her. Winner happened to be Chuck and he enjoyed plowing her in the later scene.

Gay Fight!

Meanwhile, at Rhonda’s workout is a real party. Still not bothered by recent murders, chicks are working out and having fun. Jimmy watches them with while they are sweating and rocking even more sexual poses. Eventually, the ugliest one of them approaches and starts flirting with him. Of course, Jimmy rejects her in a very cool way, leaving her on edge of crying out loud (I am sure she has a name but I didn’t bother remembering it). Later that night, we are in her apartment. Maybe Jimmy changed his mind so we are about to see some action? But no, large safety pin strikes again!!! Only one poke was enough for ugly chick to die with the most ridiculous expression on her face. On the other side, Lt. Morgan was bashing her door (I absolutely have no idea how detective deduced that ugly chick is going to be the next victim). During that bashing, killer escaped through the window on the second floor without even a scratch!!! After getting job done, killer went back to his hideout to wash his safety pin like any other sane person would do. If you think that’s the end of the  night you are wrong. DEADLY WRONG!!! Probably finding that death is funny thing, two chicks and some random guy (all 3 members of Rhonda’s workout) sprayed front glass of the gym with words “Aerobicide” and “Death Spa”. Killer must have been pissed off by such vandalism (most probably because he hates crime) and decided to teach them some manners. First one to die was Curtis (the random guy) and he got slaughtered while he was going home with clean large safety pin. Blood was everywhere. For next two victims the killer had decided to upgrade his weapon. Now he is using a knife!!! First girl got her throat slitted while she was standing alone in dark alley, for no apparent reason. Second girl (and 3rd member of vandals) discovered Curtis’s body, started screaming and even reached her car. Like it always happens in such cases car wouldn’t start and killer got her too.

Vandalism is punishable by death!

Following day we see full gym of chicks cheerfully dancing while paramedics are taking off more corpses in background. At male side of gym we see another random guy lifting weights. He gets knocked out by pipe he was lifting. While he lays knocked out killer came in and killed him with one of weights. Couple of minutes later his body has been discovered by his friend who got his brain impaled with killer’s trusty old large safety pin. Death is imminent!!! And all this massacre in broad daylight, with full gym and Ted Prior washing locker room just a couple of meters away!!! And no one noticed anything. At least until the moment when Jaimy came in and started screaming. Chuck heard screams and entered the room with haste. There he found two bodies and Tom (who appeared from nowhere) standing over them. For no apparent reason Ted Prior started with beating Tom!!! Couple of moments later cop had arrived with Lt Morgan leading them. Tom is now in locker room. Suddenly, Jaimy approaches him and soon after we get sex scene. But no ordinary sex scene!!! You see, while Jaimy was on top of him, Tom saw another Tom approaching from behind her and slitting her throat. Then Tom the Killer raised Tom the Plower in order to slaughter him too. A second before that happened Tom got awaken by Lt Morgan. They had brief conversation and detective goes out. 5 seconds after we see close scene of safety pin killing rather large Tom after only one hit???!!! That got to be very special safety pin. Someone called for paramedics again and more bodies had been put into white plastic bags. They are quite busy these days. Girls still aren’t bothered by massive death toll of their fellow gym members nor by often presence of paramedics and their plastic bags.

… and they never seem to stop

After dozen of kills Chuck finally starts to suspect something. Later that night he tries to sneak into Rhonda’s house. There he encounters her trusty watchdog Jimmy and we got ourselves another gay fight. Only this time they use weapons. Jimmy got himself a nice rakes and guess which weapon Ted Prior used? That’s right, a trash can!!! That thing marked his acting career. Hilarious fight ended up with Chuck diving into pool located in the Rhonda’s backyard. Next scene takes us to Rhonda’s house, where we can see beaten up Chuck on couch, Rhonda, Jimmy and Lt. Morgan who had just come by for no reason at all. It turns out that Chuck was sent by Rhonda’s partner to spy on her. In the light of new facts, detective orders Chuck to leave  town and return to San Diego. Same night, but we are back to Rhonda’s workout. Some blond was walking through crime scene in the middle of night like many sane people would do. Suddenly she discovers body of Jaimy, hanging on a rope with her neck slitted. Why would anyone bothered to hang a person who’s neck was previously slitted or vice versa is beyond me. Anyway, a young cop came by and discovered now both Jamiy’s and blonde’s bodies. They haven’t even shown us how blond had died!!!

Paramedics now don’t even bother to leave a place. They just put corpses into bags and throw them onto pile, while waiting for more victims to come. Chicks are now dancing with the “Working out till you die – Aerobicide” song. Right song for right moment it seems. Chuck decided that he had it enough and starts going back to San Diego by foot!!! But Jimmy runs him over with a car and that’s the end of Ted Prior!!! We are thrilled by that fact!!!
Now we are near closing scene. We clearly see detective’s hand ringing the bell of some house. In house there is one bald head with burned up skin in front of mirror. That person takes the wig and puts it onto head. The ring is heard again and person shows us face. It’s Rhonda!!! What a turnover, isn’t it? Lt. Morgan finally realized everything despite the lack of evidences or clues. It turned out that Rhonda and Valerie are same persons. Valerie got her name legally changed. That still doesn’t mean she is killer but Lt. Morgan doesn’t have problems with that. He decides to arrest her despite the fact that he got nothing, He only assumed that Valerie was killing girls because she were jealous on their good looks and bodies. And the fact they can have sex with men unlike her. Detective puts her handcuffs. While taking her to car he got a call in which he has been informed that Jimmy had killed Chuck. He immediately frees Rhonda. After some chasing on construction Jimmy manages to kill detective using only one uppercut and one kick to face.
During one of his night walks through gym, Jimmy enters the locker room and sees Rhonda completely naked, as well as her burned up head, tits and back. The moment she noticed him, she takes revolver from one of the lockers and shoots him. Now she got rid of all possible links to her.
But she only thinks that. Lt. Morgan is still alive!!! Tough old dog!!! We see them next day in a forest. It seems that he forced Rhonda to come with him. He has shovel with him too. After telling her sad story about how his father (also a cop) had died he announced that he know that she is a real killer and that she has to be punished for her crimes. But moment of Morgan’s lack of concentration Rhonda used to hit him with a shovel. Now he is definitely dead!!!
Rhonda regained back her customers after murders were over (not that customers have ever left). All the murders have been pined up (hm “pined up”…that’s a funny word) to unlucky Jimmy. As new girls comes and fill her gym, she looks at her safety pin with a devilish smile.

Verdict: If you think that we are done with Prior brothers then you are badly mistaken. This is just the beginning. Experience we had while watching this movie taught us that there aren’t many things which are more funny than when someone, who probably have never seen real movie, fails even at making a lo-fi slasher. But I’ll admit one thing to David A Prior: for ’80-es he had managed to find several quite hot and good looking chicks. As we all know, ’80-es chicks were disaster at best.

. . .

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In the old days when you wanted to see Rambo (1982) you had to go to your local video-store, and if they didn’t have Rambo VHS then you had to settle for the popular Italian rip-off Navajo Thunder (1983), and if you’re really out of luck and somebody already rented Navajo Thunder, well then you’re only choice was The Deadly Prey. This is what happens when you ignore the common sense and take home a 10th rate copy of a film you originally wanted.

       …HE STILL IS

Movie starts with Colonel Hogan, ruthless ex- military officer trains a large group of  would be mercenaries by having them hunt down and kill random people they abduct from the streets of L.A.? In need of new victims they kidnap the blond bodybuilder dude who’s taking out the trash in front of his own house (for some reason) wearing nothing but pair of Daisy Dukes . They easily overcome him and take him to their exercise camp…

Then, whole Hell breaks loose. Ridiculous blond dude is none other than Mike Danton, super- soldier who served in Vietnam.  They let him run, but when they star hunting him he suddenly appears out of nowhere* and kills them one at a time, sometimes using a primitive weapon (tree branch or a rock) and sometimes using nothing but his bare hands.

Hogan’s first in command Thorton (and the most dangerous mercenary- signaled  by a black bodybuilding shirt and aviator glasses) gets frustrated with his men’s performance and kills one of them as a result, then another one. As the movie continues you start to wander are Denton and Thorton competing in number of kills or what?

In the meantime Danton’s idiotic, also blond wife is devastated and instead of calling police like any sane ( or even insane) person on the face of the planet would do she calls her daddy, crazy ex- cop first ( played by a veteran Cameron Mitchell, the only at least little bit capable actor in this- I dare not say- movie). She barely gives any information to her father even though she partially saw  license plates of the kidnappers.

*Let’s just take couple of minutes off and enjoy the killing…

After offing something  like a dozen mercenaries in such creative ways as crashing them with a tree, killing them with a sharp stick, appearing Ala Jason Voorhees from the lake and impaling them on the knife (all the while experiencing some kind of unholy ecstasy ) he  is finally stopped by only capable man in the group Thorton (beware the glasses) and Mike Dentons kryptonite is revealed!!! As it was often in the 80es his only weakness is leg kicks to the head, he just has no defense against their pure awesomeness… and soon enough is THE END OF A STORY for Denton… or is ti?

THE END OF A STORY?

Denton of course finds a way to escape. That includes slapping a female soldier unconscious, in fact a female soldier is the main squeeze for evil Colonel Hogan (but not enough to satisfy his appetites as we’ll find out later). After that he’s making glorious escape, BY THROWING A BOMB IN ONE SOLDIER’S PANTS- curiously after explosion nothing remains – no blood, meat or bone, just his boots, in perfect mint collection state!!! He also destroys a tank right after that, even though it was not on his way.
Then he disappears again…

Faced with no choice, Hogan and co decide to raise up the stakes. They kidnap Denton’s idiotic wife and instead of  using her as a leverage to flush out Denton right away Hogan decides to RAPE HER FIRST!!! WTF? I knew the dude is a messed up war veteran and a mercenary but an all around maniac like that- didn’t  see this one coming!

Anyway her father somehow finds a way into the camp and starts causing a ruckus (even killing a main financier of the operation while lecturing him on social justice and his hard life as a cop) but they capture him and take him to his daughter just in time for the epic dialogue that consists of  flat “What did they do to you hunnie” and uncontrollable childish – I lost my favorite doll- tone response “They raped me Daddy”. I had to take a minute  after this scene not being able to process what I witnessed right away.  After that they even shoot the father!!!

Denton than breaks into armory I guess (?) and has a little confrontation with the lady mercenary. That confrontation ended up being their last. Updated on his wife’s presence he armors up and backed by his old friend from ‘Nam Cooper (who abruptly decided to switch sides, seeing what he did to other mercenaries) starts rescue mission that consists mostly of destroying everything on his way.

Do not engage in dialogue with Mike Denton, he might bitch-slap you into unconsciousness
 and shoot you couple of  times!

So buddies Denton and Cooper free the poor, poor wife, Denton sadistically blows up a dude a the calls it “his calling card” with a smile from ear to ear. Those two seem more like a couple than Danton and his wife but who am I to judge. They hide the girl and start going all gun- ho on the last couple surviving mercenaries. Unfortunately while they were busy playing Thorton (again proving to be superior to every other villain in this movie) captures Jaimy aka Mrs. Denton.
Things soon get wild as the Hogan ends up wounded, Cooper dead… and Thorton decides to off the girl just for the heck of it. Danton looses his shit, throws the gun away and starts slashing with a machete! Thorton misses five time straight from point blank range (?), looses an arm- do to machete and then gets K.O.-ed with that same arm by Danton! Damn!*

Then Danton start acting so crazy that Nick Cage would be afraid of him… He scalps Thorton (while concentration on the sky?) screams like a wounded animal and goes after Hogan. He quickly finds him, the dude is old and wounded- and then yells “Take of your shirt”. At this point I was ready to believe that he wanted to return a favor for raping his wife but he has another idea… he lets him run and prepares to come after him- and closes the circle of completely unnecessary violence with that.

Danton takes revenge for his wife’s death by cutting dude’s arm off with the machete
and then knocks  him out with that same arm?! Damn!

Verdict: What is truly fascinating about this movie is it’s unique ability to completely bypass regular action movie or any kind of movie dramatic structure. There is no three- acts which offer setup, the confrontation and the resolution.Instead they just throw us head first into the ActII (and we have no idea what is going on), after half an hour they make a brief interlude (which explains some things but mostly leaves you confused) , then it’s Act II- Part II with more senseless violence followed by itsy- tiny Interlude  and then Grand Finale that lives you wandering what the hell just happened.  I never experienced anything like this and probably won’t ever again- except if I decide to re-watch the damn thing- and there’s not much chance of that EVER happening.

I think we all learned a valuable lesson here. JUST WATCH RAMBO.

NOT FOR FAINT-HEARTED

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