As you all know, every year around this time we try to commemorate one of the most awesome movie genres ever to hit the silver screen- the Sword and Sorcery aka the Barbarian movies. In the 80’s those films were all the rage! And year by year we went from Barbarian Queen to Ator to Time Barbarian but one movie was always just out of our reach.
’till recently only available on rare VHS copies and home-made DVDs on eBay, Gunan The Barbarian has finally found it’s way to public consumption and we couldn’t be more grateful for it. It’s one of first Italian answers to Conan The Barbarian (1982) and man, it’s almost worth the wait!
Movie starts as always with the narration coupled with psychedelic images of space and the origin story of the world (insert some stock footage from 1 million years BC there.)
It finally gets to the 4th Millennium of the 3rd Illumination when we finally get to human being. 5th Millennium and 5th Illumination Elders predicted the coming of the Chose One!
“I don’t get it!”
But peace and harmony they predicted never happened, instead war and destruction reigned.
Woman called Mina is giving birth. Her husband instead of being of any real help is reciting the prophecy and how their son will be the chosen one Zukhan (American name for Gunan for some reason) . In the meantime armies of Hungat are coming their way destroying everything in their path.
To further complicate things Mina gives birth to two boys– so which one is the chosen one? Well, she’ll never know because evil Hungat slays her. They try to find the kids too but the servant run away with them already.
Old lady kept walking with the newborns for days it seems until she got to the ocean when she’s finally dropped dead. But the children were quickly found by a tribe of Amazons- Kuniats (who conveniently also knew the prophesy).
Kuniat tribe raised them both but the world became even more apocalyptic. Elders did their sacrifice yet nothing helped at least not until the 4th generation of the 3rd moon (yeah, I don’t get the Barbarian calendar too).
Now that they’re both grown man (in their 30s at least if not their 40s) Amazons arrange the challenge to decide who’s the chosen one and their fighting is so ridiculous I would say- neither.
The evil brother than demands a name from the Kuniat sorceress Marga who proceeds to change into a lioness as a warning. They proceed with the challenge, running and then riding to their respective weapons. Of course the good brother defeats the black haired and evil one (but doesn’t kill him) and he is crowned with the name Zukhan the Invincible– and a magic sword to boot! Remember that part- it will be important later.
Zukhan finally leaves the Kuniat tribe to avenge his parents (it took him long enough). At least Marga used her magic to show him how his enemy looks like- the dreaded Nuriak! (Yes, the names are great like that in the whole movie.) Only in a plot twist that no one predicted (who watches Star Wars anyway), Nuriak is actually- his FATHER!
Evil brother, The Nameless One decides to join the Ungat tribe. He goes to find his father and challenge for the leader position of the Spirit Warrior of the 9th Moon (I don’t know where they get these numbers from). Unfortunately for him, Nuriak‘s men easily defeat him and then he takes his head. This didn’t end well.
Zukhan finds his brother’s body and vows to- I don’t know– even greater REVENGE! (This actually wasn’t really needed in the script but hey- you can never get enough motivation for the main character.) Zukhan starts destroying everyone and freeing the slaves. Hungat warriors can barely touch him. I guess that’s the power of an (oversized) magic sword!
Nuriak orders his man to kill Zukhan before the 6th illumination or prophecy will come true. When they explain that he fights like a hurricane and no one can stop him– he decides to do it himself. But when they actually get face to face, Nuriak sneakily has an archer shoot him from behind instead of actually going head to head with him- and it seemed that his plan worked but Zukhan somehow escapes and finds his way back to the Amazons.
“…this can not happen, stop this traitor!”
Just in time for Amazon‘s rounding up enslaved women for breeding? Man, they’re not as benevolent as it seems. Among those is the ultra- blond Sabrina Siani (I think there’s a contract somewhere that you can not make a Barbarian movie in Italy without Siani).
Women are overjoyed when they see Zukhan back and almost fight who’s going to take care of him. Marga of course helps him with her magic but he’s haunted by visions of evil Nuriak in his dreams.
We jump to completely nude (except for the chain around her waist) Lenni (Sabrina Siani). Zukhan is very pleased with the scene and gets it on with Siani in a matter of seconds. But Marga watches it all burning with jealousy.
Couple takes a stroll, holding hands (I guess some time has past) but they get ambushed by wildlings. They start fighting over who gets to rape Sabrina first which gives Zukhan enough time to regain consciousness and gets back into fight.
Supreme counsel of Kuniat then decide to banish him (but keep Sianni). So naturally things get settled with a duel.That he manages to loose due to the Amazon using a shield with a magic reflection abilities.
Marga then desperately tries to get him to bed but he answers with zingers like
“To touch you would be sacrilege!” and “The only thing I could possible give you- is my gratitude.”
That completely destroys her and she captures Leni (Sianni) and takes her to the Hungat tribe betraying everything she ever stood for. Nuriak now has all he need to set a trap for Zukhan. Of course Zukhan rushes in to save her and ends up captured and tortured himself. Even thou she still gets the worst of it.
She does manage to get out and free Zukhan and even Amazons even join in the fight. Unfortunately when we get to the epic duel with Nuriak it turns out that he too old and feeble and Zukhan decapitates him with almost no effort.
And then in what I call “The Italian Twist” narration seques into talking about the magic sword of Zukhan and how in the 15th illumination it becomes known as Excalibur (!!!)- and finally gets lost in the 17th illumination. Turns out the sword and I guess we all are waiting for the descendant of Zukhan to show up in the 40th illumination. Good luck with that.
Worsemovies 