Archive for the ‘Trash movies’ Category

Here we have another jewel from Iranian director Amir Shervan (Samurai Cop, Killing American Style). The story about revenge, family strings and cleaning up neighborhood. If you ever had a chance of watching any of abovementioned movies then you’ll know what to expect in this one.

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Young Rebels is about a crime boss Mr. Vincenzo (played by G. Alexander Vidrion), who deals drugs and hates everything and everyone (which is not a surprise at all since he is an old man). His son Joey (played by Robert Z’dar) is one of his enforcers. The Crime boss hates him too. With a reason, since Joey had managed to fuck up drug deal which can be seen in the opening scene. If you pay close attention you’ll notice that one of the goons attending this drug exchange was played by none other than legendary Eric Freeman. Anyway, they wanted to keep both drug and money and now they are left empty-handed. That is why they need a plan B (as in B movies). That’s when we get to the main story. Our hero of the film Charlie (played by John Greene) has a younger brother Ben (whose name is listed wrong on the IMDB and I can’t tell which non-photo, never-acted-again) who borrowed money from the boss and he owes big time. The only way he can get out of debt is if he has Charlie fly a helicopter to Mexico to transport two drug kingpins to the states. Charlie shrugs his shoulders and agrees despite the risk. Meanwhile, Mr Vincenzo solved a problem when his workers went on strike action by killing them all. Simple and efficient!

 

Of course, the deal goes sour with the two kingpins ending up dead. Now the crime syndicate is after the brothers. So Joey and his thugs make an ambush at Charlie’s girlfriend place. Ben rushes is and manages to warn Charlie, but both him and the girl end up dead. Some cowboy style showdown occurs, followed by funk music playing in the background, from which only Joey and few goons manage to come alive, while Charlie ends up hiding and wounded. His friends find him and now they are plotting a revenge against Mr Vincenzo since every single one of them had some quarell with the crime boss.

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And he got shot to his back moments ago

Meanwhile Joey spends some relaxing time with his stripper girlfriend (played by Delia Shepard) when he gets interrupted by one of his goons. His father wants to see him. Apparently they found a lead about Charlie’s whereabouts with a help of crooked Judd (played by Dale Cummings) who is a deputy to senile old Sheriff (played by Aldo Ray). They now bust some Mexican party, trying to extort any info about Charlie but their attack once again got repelled by Charlie, his friend Genza (played by Tadashi Yamashita) and others. So everyone have gone back to doing what they like. Charlie’s girlfriend’s corpse didn’t even gone cold properly and yet he is already onto her sister Liz (played by Christine Lunde). Meh no point living the past, I guess. And Joey went back to his girl so she can finish striptease in peace.

Hello ladies

Hello ladies

But Joey can’t catch a break. Charlie interrupts their little show. Joey then heroically uses his girlfriend as a living shield and manages to escape. Meanwhile Mr Vincenzo once again visits immigrants farm and kills Chico (played by David Kinder), in a chainsaw torture scene which manages to produce very little blood, after refusing to give him info about Charlie. Charlie arrives to the place just in time to be accused of Chico’s murder by crooked Deputy. Again, he manages SOMEHOW to escape and long car chasing scene occurs, in which Charlie managed not only to outsmart police but even to locate Joey after and execute him. It is worth mentioning that like for any other action scene in this movie sudden location changes are characteristic for this scene as well.

A perfect example of knighthood

A perfect example of knighthood

Mad with death of his son Mr Vincenzo goes after Charlie for revenge. Liz joins the fight too. With her help and help of his friends Charlie disposes of goons and crooked cops one by one in several ridicolous action scenes. Eventually, he corners Mr Vincenzo at some house and we get to see some fistfight with more sudden location changes and punches that don’t connect. Now, I have to point out shameless way in which Charlie came victourious out of this duel. Although Mr Vincenzo was kinda 30 years older than Charlie he beated a living crap out of our “hero”. Charlie was forced to reach out for less honorable measures. While Mr Vincenzo wasn’t looking Charlie kicked his butt (literally), pushing him away just enough to have a time to shoot him from his gun (somewhere near the end of that scene the producers suddenly realized they should have added some blood). Meh what can you expect from a man who sleeps with a sister of his girlfriend just couple of days after she was killed? Sheriff arrived just in time to conclude that he has absolutely no idea what is going on here. And that conlcudes this movie too.

Conclusion: First thing wrong about this movie is its title. There are no particularly young people in this movie, nor could they be said to be rebelling against anything. Sidetracked again! I have already mentioned confusing sudden location changes. This isn’t quite all. There’s some of the worst acting I can remember, primarily from Ben but also from Joselito Rescober, who you’ll remember as the ultra-camp waiter from “Samurai Cop”.  There’s the way that punches sound like a bomb going off and are so ludicrous that I can’t even imagine a late 80s no-budget action movie seriously going “yes, this is effect we’re going for”. But the most confusing were cuts from one scene to another with no particular order. Of course, this results in many continuity and plot holes (like the one when Ben’s fiancé turned out to be Charlie’s girlfriend couple of minutes later). Still, just like other Amir’s movies, this one is a hella lot of fun to watch.

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In the late 70’s, the early days of post- Bruce Lee boom, we were bombarded with all kinds of Kung Fu flicks-from the Shaw Brothers to the to the rise of young Jackie Chan‘s to the budding American Martial Arts flicks but it’s a movie called Death Promise that really sticks out like a sour thumb. I mean to this day I haven’t encountered another a Kung Fu movie like that- a film about the common folk’s rise against their evil landlords. Combining Asian Martial Arts with the harsh social reality of the life in the projects and Charles Bronson or should I say Charles Bonet style complete overkill revenge movie.

In New York City, slum lords are resorting to using nefarious methods to evict tenants or have them leave so they can tear the buildings down for more commercial properties. One such victim is Charley Roman, a karate expert whose electricity and water has been shut off courtesy of the slum lords.
Unfortunately it doesn’t show that the effects of the late-70s New York
financial crisis also include Karate and Kicking Ass!

Obviously someone is dead set on evicting poor souls out of their homes but at this point we have no idea who. Their next play is to set buildings on fire. To that end we have some bad archival footage of fire.  They tried to set fire to his building too, even thou the few card-boards they have wouldn’t make much difference. But Bonnet won’t give them any chance, So he jumps in and immediately starts kicking ass. Unfortunately the bearded punk didn’t seem ready for this and he started going into some kind of spasms as soon as Charles Bonet touched him. I wasn’t sure should I laugh out loud of just feel sorry for the guy.

Well, at least the bearded guy survived…

After Bonet dispatches of the arsonist gangs we finally see the evil cabal that’s behind all of this aka The Landlords and for and I must say for an evil cabal they are very diverse group of people from very different backgrounds, everything from the elderly high court judge to the nasty ghetto pimp. I have to wonder just how all these people got together in the first place?

Anyway , Charley’s dad ends up mysteriously dead on the kitchen floor. He seemingly met his demise without any resistance, uncharacteristic for him. All the while Bonet and his black friend (with an awesome name Speedy Leacock) were having fun at the bar. But who could have defeated an old boxer like him so effortlessly? I mean we saw him dispose off some young punks with no trouble earlier in the film. The plot thickens. Bonet finds his father’s body and completely loses his mind– coupled with a ridiculous scream effect!

Now, despite the wishes of his late father his teacher Shibata show him the letter (revealing their enemies) right away, without a second thought. Unfortunately according to Shibata his skills are not up to par, so before any revenging is done- so he sends him away to China (or maybe upstate New York )  to his master Tony Liu (The Way of the Dragon, Fist of Fury) to sharpen up his skills. There’s just one thing, Liu is absolutely not an old man (hell, he is 65 now- 40 years later and that’s still not that old) and grey in his hair is painfully obviously a paint.

Also if you pay any attention the fact that his master- a Japanese Karate practitioner Shibata was taught by a Chinese Kung Fu Man who’s style is definitely not Karate doesn’t seem to bother anyone. But it’s an old American picture, maybe we should just be happy there’s no yellowface involved.

Returning to his home after months of heavy duty training he is right away reunited with Leacock. And with his help he is making a list of people he needs to kill. As we all know you can’t really achieve anything if you don’t make a list fist. They start of by pouring the poison down the string Ninja style, ending a life on elderly Judge in his sleep without anybody noticing a thing before it’s too late. Their next kill is a bit more public, Bonet dispatches of the evil businessmen by punching him to death trough a car window after a lengthy chase! They also get reinforcement, Liu’s other student shows up to help out- looking like a Bruce Lee’s mentally challenged third cousin.

Now, when they get to the pimp, Leacock insist on doing he deed himself. You can get complete picture of situation in those slums and it’s neighborhood when you hear his 12 year old brother had gone OD (must be some relative of  Drew Barrymore too).

He seems as shocked by her disproportionately large nipples as the rest of us.

The remaining Landlord, an old man with a cane sends his men on the three of them and tries to run away but gest a shuriken into his hand, then one in his back. Bonet follows him to the roof where he gets cut by a katana in front of his eyes !? It turns out, Shibata is a Yakuza!  He was behind the landlords all this time! So, wait, why did he then send his student to sharpen his martial arts prowess so he can more easily defeat him? Must be some Honor code we just can’t understand?

Aaaayyyy blonde dude is so fuckin’ awesome!

The remaining Landlord, old man with a cane got a shuriken into his hand, then his back. Bonet follows him to the roof where he gets cut by a katana in front of his eyes !? It turns out, Shibata is a Yakuza!  He was behind the landlords all this time! So, wait, why did he then send his student to sharpen his martial arts prowess so he can more easily defeat him? Must be some Honor code we just can’t understand?

They go into a prolonged fight with Shibata before killing him with his own sword– irony, right? Also he then throws his lifeless body aka something that is obviously not a human being down the building.  Also that something seems very, very heavy because someone in great shape like him  can barely lift it.

Maybe even a greatest fall in history of the cinema!

Verdict: Unfortunately Death Promise’s  Charles Bonnet never got to be the next best thing in Martial Arts movies, even though he did get to act again in his friend’s Roy Van Cleefe’s (another Martial Art legend)  Black Dragon Revenge and Way of Black Dragon. And for all the cheesiness of Death Promise I consider that to be shame ’cause the dude was a real life badass and  genuinely excellent Martial Artist and  different than many tournament fighters back in the day  he actually looked good on the camera. At least we finally did get a Latino American Martial Art super- star with Marko Zaror (Savage Dog, Reedemeer, Machete Kills, Undisputed 3) but we had to wait for 2000’s for that.

And now one more time: Death Promise theme!

Trivia: Interestingly in the old days when movies were made on the dime- posters were often masterpieces! Death Promise poster for example was done by the legendary comicbook artist Neil Adams (Batman, Deadman, X-Men). Now in the days of multi- million dollars franchises, we often only get bad Photohop photo- manipulation.

 

 

“Do you believe in Dracula Sir?” There is a moment in every persons life,when you sit down,take a deep breath,and retrace your steps. You challenge your decision making. You try to pin-point the moment when things took a certain turn. You know, all the dumb turns you took that led you to the situation you are in. Like watching “Werewolf”. I agreed to watch a movie done by an “Persian Ed Wood” Yes that is me. I am that person. We all make mistakes in this life, that’s how we grow,ok?

The movie opens with some fairly good Indian music. So now we know the background of the story. And now we now that the budget, if there ever was one, was spent on the music. Or they just stole it. Fight for your dreams man.Okay so now we are watching Jurassic park. Wait no, its still “Werewolf”,but we are on this excavation site where they are now about to find an artifact, or a damn werewolf itself.

The Indians are digging, white folks are….supervising and being dicks, like its only appropriate. You know, ”just being white over here”. They find “something”,and what is the smartest thing to do when you find something? Well FIST FIGHT OF COURSE. This movie is sponsored, and brought to you by the word “Smart” The fight is fun to watch because its terrible. My favorite moment is when this Mexican Indian dude is dropped on his ass just to bounce back of it like a ball, back to his feet. |”Boing,I am back bitches,wanna some of this?” Yes we do,kindly proceed. But the fight comes to it untimely stoppage as some folks jump in,including Richar Lynch AKA Noel,who drove casually ,trough the desert, to brake it up, and we now discover that the Indianest looking Indian of the group is bleeding,and its not from the fist of doom,its from a cut. Yes,he cut himself on a werewolf. Werewolf skeleton,to be exact. And its bad.How bad? This bad

Charlie Sheen’s uncle Joe Esteves,(Joel) is one of the Indian workers,and he is freaking out,internally. He looks like a deranged Serbian politician. Its that bad. Its a motherfucking werewolf,and he knows it. But,he isn’t the only one who knows it.We now cut to the some kind of lab,where we have Natalie,(who isn’t aware she is in the movie and hence the acting is required),Noel and Yuri,all surrounding the skeleton.  Its “a skin walker”, “a shape-shifter”, “a lycantroph”… A hombre fucking lomo. Its a werewolf.  Or if you ask Natalie “A werewolf” Yep,that’s it,they know it by just looking at its sharp teethed cow scull and cute little feet.  “A WEWEWOLF?” (Honey,can you learn to pronounce the name of the fucking movie we are filming here?Its literally the name of the movie. And the movie is about the werewolf so if you could just….nah never mind,good enough)  “Fascinating.But Joel was so upset this morning,what do these creatures do?” Nataly honey…Let us take it from the start.ITS A FUCKING WEWEWOF,what do you think they do?  But the good thing is they know when a man is a werewolf, “he sleeps,like coyote,nose to his anus” Menwhile, Joel is getting more and more deranged,he now looks like an electrocuted chicken.)

Now,the boys at least know something. Natalie doesn’t even seem to know what a skeleton is, she is intelligent, and its a good thing she has that going for here, because you know, shes a scientist. “This doesn’t look like any conventional animal I have seen, what do you think it is?” Nataly, honey, ITS A FUCKING WEREWOLF get with the program woman! But then Noel comes up with “With a chance of sounding nuts, I think we have just stumbled on a remains of a lycantroph” A FUCKING WEWEWOF, you just said that, what is wrong with you people? Did they film one version of the sceene, then did another, than couldnt decide wich one they like batter, so they left them both in….oh PERSIAN ED WOOD…riiiiight. “A wewwof?” Yes Natalie,again,yes honey. Now,the Indian is in the hospital,and the doctors are pondering the situation. “I have never seen anything like this,hes face is constantly transforming…you should have some rest Dr,you look exhausted” “Yes,thank you for the advice little nurse,off I go to have some sleep” Looooong gaze at the transforming, air sniffing patient. “Yes,sleep”But at least Yuri dresses as the doctor,and sneaks in to the Indians room. He examines him,takes his blood, he is batter at this fake doctor thing, than the scientist thing. And leaves…presumably to sleep. And the transformation sequence begins.Our patient is screaming his wolf head off,no one hears it, cause its the hospital, not like you would notice a werewolf transformation in the freaking hospital.

The transformation is now complete. He runs down hospital hallways,dressed in hospital gown,here and there wrestling a guard,doing Macarena…doing whatever werewolves do. Natalie’s question now seems legit. “What do they do?” He’s howling like Celine Dion. Hes wearing hospital gown,give him heels,let him live a little. And his outside of the hospital,running loose,raging havoc or something. Joel and the third Indian worker are waiting for him in front of his house,where they expect him to come and sleep “nose to his anus”.They are armed,ready to shoot their friend.All ties are cut when you are a werewolf,man. YOU SLEEP NOSE TO ANUS. And the werewolf approaches, looking like a bear, and hides in the bushes,looking like a rabid chihuahua. Cant settle one one look there, Persian ED?

Now he’s a bear,now he’s a chihuahua , now he’s a bear,now he’s shot. And it’s the new day,and a new sheriff comes to town.Well not a sheriff,a writer. Handsome man named Paul. In a cab ride back to his old home,as he grew up in this town,the driver chats him up. This ain’t the same old town you left son. “Just last night,half man half animal got shot. Do you believe in Dracula Sir?” What does Dracula have to do with this? Leave him out! He is in fucking Transylvania being awesome. This is your “America’s got talent” wewewof. As Paul gets home, he is greeted by his housekeeper.

I want bearded shoot gun wielding houskeeper. He sings too. We cut to the party, Nataly is there, with Noel. Paul is there, looking like a Dracula,with his date-not-date,who’s acting skills are amusingly worse than Natalie’s. Paul and his date-not date get in a fight and “Good,you can walk home” thing happens. She walks away-to drive away, and he’s a free agent. It all happens just in time for him to rescue Natalie from drunk Yuri. Yuri might “have no class” but he has sass, and the idea of pouring some white powered shit (werewolf bones or?) in to museums night keepers glass. TO TRANSFORM HIM. Success! Something weird is happening, thinks the night keeper, maybe I should drive! Transformation happens in the car. Now we have a werewolf displaying another of many werewolfy talents as he is FUCKING DRIVING.  Yuri is following him. But then, the werewolf is like,yo, werewolves cant drive, throws his paws in the air (like he just don’ care) and BOOM, crashes. What was the point of this again, Yuri?

Back at the party, our Nataly is like “Yo, Paul,you saved my ass (from being grabbed) now let me show you the biggest discovery on this earth. Good thing that we know each other for like two minutes.” He tells her that he is a freelancer, that he has connections, that he can get the story out. Not sure that’s what you want Natalie. Wanna wait a little? No? Oh well. I love how the museum scenes are so loud, roars, screeches, some bone instruments playing ,hisses…and also, they play a sample of Tiranosaurus rex roar from the final T-rex scene in Jurassic park. Some museum this is! Yuri’s going around,casually touching stuff. When it comes to the werewolf bones, hes “Impressed, never seen anything like this” Well dude,I would be surprised if you have, ITS A FUCKING WEREWOLF. But then drunk jealous Yuri walks in and he is pissed. Let’s sort this out like gentleman,fighting using priceless werewolf scul yaaaas. Boom, Pol is hit with the said scull, bleeding like he was hit with a fucking sword. The injured one in this duel, Pol goes home where he proceeds to transform-not transform-transform. You have to give it to the actor,he really got in to it.

 

So in the middle of his transfrom-not transform-transformation, Natalie shows up and he’s like, yup im fine,whass up? He is sorry for the damage to the bones, but Nataly is all like “Heeey,no biggie,its just wewewof bones, its not like we can’t fix them,or get ten other sets. Lets have sex!” Someone else wants to have sex, young couple in the jeep, but sometimes,a  werewolf interrupts you. Crawling one. The one that is suppose to be in the bed with Natalie.The girl starts screaming, jumps out of the car and runs, the guy..well,w ho cares right? Wewewof and the girl then fight in this shallow pond, for like ten hours,no one knows what this wewewof wants really. And then,we cut to him in bed, in pajamas, rolling around. Where is Nataly? When did you put your pajamas on? What are you doing? Are you okay? The girl he came to the party with,chooses to appear. There’s a scary shadow…claws….walk towards the shadow honey. Because ,word from our sponsors is SMART. They run around a little,she falls down the stairs to her safety and runs out of the house, never to call the cops or zoo,or marines. And boom its the next day and Paul is..a little worried. He calls Nataly to is aid because she’s SMART. “Come on Nataly what are you holding back?” Oh nothing Paul,its just that the inidan had turned in to beast and his friends had to shoot him,and now he is in the hospital, you can send him “feel batter” card huh? “Oh,I am sorry I got you in to this mess Paul. I am concerned about your well being” Nataly, you are too sweet.

Now, they go out to the bar, where Nataly is set to prove that she is batter at playing pool then scientist. Guess who shows up to play, its their best friend Yuri. Now its the right time for Paul to sit in the corner, and quietly.  transform,as Nataly has a partner for the next game. A guy walked straight outta Terminator 2 bikers set, and straight in to this scene, and why not, Nataly plays with him to. Paul is like, never mind me, ill just keep transforming. Good thing no one in this crowded place is noticing. They must have some weird drunks.To be honest, he does remind me of people after drinking more rakia than they should. He decides to take the rest of the transformation to the bathroom and Yuri decides its the time to take a piss, so heeey they meet.Yuri has the mix of feelings about this,because yeeey he has found himself a werewolf, but then, he is in tight confined space with one.They never bother to tell us why Yuri wants himself a pet werewolf, he just does. He decides to run, Paul gives him a head start as he is regaining his werewolf composure, and the chase ensues. Werewolf Paul takes his time to knock out few guys on his way, to kung-fu fight another guy, to jump on cars,…Meanwhile we get a little insight in Yuri’s thinking. It seems like he expects some kind of reward for bringing live werewolf. And he, being the expert, thinks Paul went back to his “nest”. Werewolves live in nests? “Now we must get back to him before the day break”Yes, why wait until he is back to his human form, lets hunt him now when he can kill us…or punch us with a few overhands. Nataly is still worried for Pauls “well being”. She cares not for any reward! “You and Noel are in it for fortune and fame? Well OVER MY DEAD BODY!” Oh Paul I am coming to save you.

And would you look at that,Yuri was right, Paul ran straight back to his nest, and his nest keeper is having a freak out. Kind of sings about it. They run around the house a little, wrestle a little, and werewolf Paul runs up the stairs. Nataly shows up soon enough,and finds his nest keeper with candles,praying. No he didn’t think of running away,or calling for help. “Miss Natally, I don’t think you should go up there, something horrible has happened, I was just praying for the police, I think we should call the cops” No, do not call the cops, nest keeping one, for I am the brave woman that can reason with the werewolf,for he is, after all, the love of my life. I have meet him like 2 hours ago,but I have a hunch. She climbs the stairs and Meat Loafs “I would do anything for love” video starts. Oh, the injured beast, broken and scared, oh don’t look at me, I am horrible. No beast I love you. You cant! But I do I don’t care what my father says, I am gonna marry you! She hears the car,and because there are no other cars in this town, she knows its Yuri. The werewolves throws themselves out of the window to escape, as clumsy as it is possible, and off he runs.And they all run. Yuri thinks its SMART to run after a FUCKING WEREWOLF, and Nataly is Nataly. So,right around the corner from where Paul lives, is the desert. Or they have been running for a while. Yuri, people usually run in the opposite direction from the werewolf. And you want to be a pain in the ass, so, this one is going to kill you by scratching your face a few times. Nataly arrives…. And cut to Paul’s home, Nataly is in his room, in the shadows, as he softly approaches. The light sets on her face, and we see that she’s now a werewolf too. They pose for the family portrait. What happened? Did you chose this Nataly, from your heart? I guess you did. Well good luck. I hope you have noticed that the full moon is out every night in this town. Please don’t kill Noel. Make some cute hairy wewewof babies. Be nice.

 

And there you are. I think that this is the worst rated movie on th IMDB and I think its just cruel. There are way worse movies than this one. You have many of them to choose from and read about on this blog. Its idiotic and poorly done. But there are some gems in it, like every cringy scene my personal favorite Nataly is in. Shes dumb, but she is a heroine. She can’t act and that’s why you cant get enough of her. She is also a producer on this one. She gets 10 points from me every time she says “WEWEWOF?” Now that she became one,maybe she will learn to pronounce it. Or not.

On several occasions we spoke about the Expendables of Horror: Death House and it’s imminent release into the world (mark 19. January 2018 on your calendar)- but now we have a word on  some more interesting news.

Death House‘s director B. Harrison Smith has officially started working on the prequel to flash out more of the backstory for the standout characters called 5 Evils. The 12 page treatment for the script is outlined, yet we still don’t know if Dawn of 5 Evils will follow Death House or will the proposed sequel The Farm come first. And just in case you haven’s seen Death House prepremiere at Scare-A-Con New England and you are not familiar with the Evils, you’ll find some familiar faces and old favorites among them, actors like Bill Moseley, Michael Berryman, Vernon Wells, Vincent Ward and Lindsay Hartley.

*Thanks to http://www.dreadcentral.com for the these news.

Now, The Immortalizer is one of those rare B-movies that actually has a great basic set– up with  tons  of potential (even thou it did exist before, at least since the The Atomic Brain) but movie makers (veteran Joel Bender, editor on Power Ranger: The Movie) never got to actually follow it trough. What we got instead was a mess of a movie that follows a crazed doctor and his endless brain- swithings procedures,  often  with a hilarious results– a film like that would feel more at home among the SF movies of the 50’s. It would have been interesting to see what would have someone like Carpenter, author with a clear vision  done on the same budget with the same basic idea, but that’s not to say we didn’t have tons of fun with what we got, ’cause we sure did.

kinopoisk.ru

Who wouldn’t trust a man with a face like this?

The movie starts with a Dr. Divine (Ron Ray) with a crazed look in his eyes injecting the screaming blonde woman with green, florescent liquid (where have I seen this before). Remember this, ’cause it will be (semi) important later.

We now jump to a couple of high- school students (brothers Gregg and Darrell) having fun with their dates (movie and pizza).  They can’t really come to an agreement which one get to sleep with which of the ladies but unfortunately for them they don’t make it that far anyway- not by a long shot!  They should have known that going straight into a dark alley is never a good idea, especially if you’re in a horror movie!

Now you would expect some kind of criminal or a junkie to attack them but no- it’s actually a monster? Some sort of zombies jacked up on steroids!? Man, I would shit my pants too If I ever saw something like that. Even the regular living death can be enough trouble as it is ,not to mention these obviously performance enhanced ones! Now good for them, police actually hears them and shows up (well, just one  cop but still)- but to no avail! All four of them end up kidnapped- cop didn’t even get to be that lucky, zombies throw him onto a brick wall and henchmen then proceed to decapitate him with the wheels of their van (man, that’s a nasty way to go).

Darell wakes up in the private hospital with the rest of the gang still sedated. He hides in the corner hoping no one will notice him. That doesn’t really work out.  Then when he finally runs for it he manages to alert half of the patients. He finally manages to escape by  jumping out a window and for some reason he tries hiding in the car of one of the doctors. He ends up up in a scrap with that doctors and the security too but he makes it out and jogs straight for the Sheriff ‘s Office. He may be dumb as f*@k but Gregg is in great shape.

Unfortunately for him the Sheriff’s Office is completely empty (I’m sure there are regulations against just that) so he calls the Sheriff the only way he knows how- by throwing stones and activating the alarm!? Man, he’s dumb- for sure there’s an easier way to do this. Sheriff then arrives with a record timing. He concludes the only logical thing– that the boy is on drugs and forces Gregg to spend a night in a jails cell. Man, this is really not his night.

Finally the Sheriff arrives to the sheriff’s station? Did he have a more important place to be?

In the morning the Sheriff finally listens to him and he  takes him to Dr. Divine’s place where they deny everything. Desperate Gregg manages to dupe the Sheriff and he runs away again. He then proceeds to recruit the old lady from the Dr. Devine‘s neighborhood (I guess she always suspected something). And you shouldn’t underestimate that lady- the  amount on weaponry she has in her place is unbelievable! 

Now, we see Dr’s goons playing with the zombies and they are christening the newest one Quinnie. Not only is this hulk of a woman the same lady from the beginning she is actually played by a minor celebrity- Bodybuilder and American Gladitator: ZapRaye Hollitt She is also interestingly a former wife of our WM alumni Ted Prior (Deadly Prey, The Final Sanction, Aerobicide).

Head Nurse is jealous and she desperately wants the body of the redhead that was promised to the rich,  irritating grandma. She even went as far as to “damage” her just so she can keep her. Bodies seem to be nothing but kid’s toys to these king of people.

In the end the rich old lady is beyond herself with joy (even though she got a blonde replacement and not original  redhead she wanted). Also we have to note that she kept her old woman’s voice even in this new body. How is that possible- I have no idea!

Now grandma infiltrates the compound but then the goons fuck things up by electrocuting zombies and the whole hell breaks loose.  Nurse uses opportunity to cheat on her husband with another Dr. this one. In the meantime the head nurse is cheating on her husband Dr.Divine with another doctor  who looks a bit like current president of USA Donald Trump.

Hilariously when Gregg finally catches Dr. Divine he is no longer he– you see he switch brains with the young Dr. and in this moment we really have no idea who’s who– and who has his original brain in the original body.

Fighting his way out of the house Gregg manages to save the redhead but Dr. meets his destiny via zombie and meatgrinder- nasty as it gets. But what happened to our  benevolent Dr. Divine you might ask? Well, three months later we see him (in his young man’s body and his old man’s voice) welcoming another client so I guess for his- it’s business as usual.

Verdict: Interesting thing to note, highly acclaimed Horror by Jordan Peelee Get Out uses the same “transfer of the brain” The Immortalizer set up, abelt with more of a social commentary and with a lot more attention to detail (it actually manages to sell its fantastical medical procedure to the viewers) and that showed just how great the idea really is- if you can make it work. But like they say- the devil is in the detail.

 

And despite all the parallels with the Gordon/ Yuzna franchise (glowing, green liquid we’re looking at you) the good Doctor aka Jeffrey Combs himself would have actually been perfect casting for this movie. His dead pen yet quirkie delivery would have elevated this kind of material into something a lot more meaningful. Unfortunately we are left with Ron Ray as a Doctor and he is fun but nothing more than that. But you never know what they’re going to remake next- so there might still be a chance.

 

 

I took interest in this movie not only because of it’s title or the fact that it was filmed in golden age for slashers. The most interesting thing about it is that it was spanish-german co-production, and it was directed by Spanish vintage porn movies director Jess Franco. Topped with awful English dubbing over German language. What a treat! This Jess Franco’s take on an American Slasher ‘Bloody Moon’ is also known as The Bloody Moon Murders, and under its German title ‘Die Säge des Todes’, which translates to ‘The Saw of Death’. If you have seen the movie you will see that the German title probably has the most relevance to the content but more about that later.

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The story takes place in and around the strangely named International Youth-Club boarding School of Languages, a place for young girls to study Spanish while lusting over the local young men and discussing their sex lives in length with one another. I don’t know why would anyone go to German to learn Spanish language. They should go to Spain or at least to some of countries colonized by Spain. Anyway, they throw a big party as it is custom among all horny students of the world. We see a guy with badly glued scar on his face lurking around the school. Later we find out that his name is Miguel (played by Alexander Waechter). Miguel steals a Mickey Mouse mask from unsuspecting couple. Then he sneaks into the party and even manages to pick up some slut. When he was about to DO her Miguel removed the mask from his face. Girl started to scream and refuse him. Dumb bitch didn’t mind while he was wearing a fucking Mickey Mouse mask and she deserved her comeuppance. Disfigured Miguel murders a young woman (serves her righy) in a crime of passion and is sent away from his family for years. Miguel’s therapist recommends Manuela (played by Nadja Gerganoff), Miguel’s sister, that Miguel should be returned to a low-stress environment and should not be reminded of the horrible incident again. So Manuela and Miguel naturally return to their home, a manor somehow connected to a Spanish language school owned by the siblings’ aunt, who hates Manuela and has disinherited her. She died the same night after her hate speech. Someone torched her while she still was in bed.

 

We find out that Miguel and Manuela are in forbidden love relationship and they need to hide themselves from the eyes of public. Well this is the right places to blend in. School is full of horny sluts and guys desperate enough to do anything for them. Of course one guy sticks out – Antonio (played by Peter Exacoustos). He is self-centered local fucker who doesn’t notice any happening around him. But one girl played Angela (played by Olivia Pascal) finds his company boring and retreats from the party to her bungalow. Her friend Eva (played by Ann-Beate Engelke) came by to borrow a pullover because she is going to sea trip with some guys she ran into. It turned out that her visit came just in time because there was a murderer hiding at Angela’s place, waiting to nail her down (and not in a good way). Instead, he stabbed Eva right through the boob while she was dressing. Angela found a body and went outside screaming. She ran into Antonio who didn’t believe her a single word. He pinned everything to her imagination (now that was something we didn’t see coming). Angela’s  bungalow seems to be open all hours since everyone can walk in whenever they like. First her another slutty friend Inga (played by Jasmin Losensky) came by,  followed by their Spanish language teacher Alvaro (played by Christoph Moosbrugger) who is also having an affair with one of the students. What a love triangle.

 

The next day Angela hears life-threatening message coming out of tape for learning spanish language. Of course, no one believes her, not even Alvaro. On the other side of the camp, Miguel steals a snake and plants it on tree couple of moments before Angela passed by. Snake attacks her and she starts screaming again. Antonio, who works there as a gardener, came to the rescue by decapitating poor snake using a yard scissors. Angela freaks out completely and starts running around. She meets some friends who were on their way to surprise Inga while she is having sex. Little they knew that Inga was so desperate to fake  whole thing. Yeah, she got so carried into yelling dirty words and jumping all over the bed that she didn’t even notice Eva’s body nicely packed into her closet. Love is so blind.

 

Inga was so ashamed that she ran away and accepted a lift from mysterious guy in yellow car. She was so determined to have sex and so desperate for it that she even accepted being tied up to a huge stone-cube. Big mistake! That stone was a part of stonecutter mill. Murderer then activated mechanism for stone cutting. It seemed that Inga’s days are numbered as a huge saw was coming closer to her. One little boy, who was spying on her turned off mechanism in the last moment. Her relief was only brief since the boy had chickened out and ran away allowing the murderer to finish the job. The saw decapitated mannequin that was intended to represent Inga’s body. That’ll shut her mouth up for good. But wait, there is more! The best part of this movie! Not wanting to leave any witnesses alive the murderer chased little boy and ran over him by his car! Wow what a combo! Special power unlocked!

 

Now it is Angela’s turn to die. The murderer goes after her previously killing Laura (played by Corinna Drews) using a huge tongs. Angela finds her body hanging from the ceiling. She also finds Inga’s head in her bed and finally Eva’s corpse which was under everyone’s nose the whole movie. Seriously, killer had to literally place the body on the obvious spot for someone to find it. Anyway, the murderer was onto Angela in no time and it seemed that his job will be easy. In that moment Miguel, who was on his usual night lurking, runs in and surprises the killer just enough for Angela to run away again. Wow top suspect was not the culprit. We find out that Alvaro was the killer with a help of retarded bald gardener Paco. He overpowered Manuel and went chasing Angela, who ran away to Manuela. Manuela drugged her and left her sleeping upstairs. It turns out that she is in cahoots with Alvaro who is actually a hired killer. She wanted to get rid of everyone so she could inherit fortune and start a new life far away. Her plan was to blame Miguel for everything. She had always despised him. Miguel was eavesdropping this entire conversation and went to kill Manuela after she retired to her room. Manuela manages to stab through his rubber neck with a huge pencil. Meanwhile, Angela finds Countess’ (played by Maria Rubio) torched body and thats when Alvaro gets hold on her for the second time. But Manuela didn’t want to leave loose ends so she kills Alvaro too. She offers Angela a deal in which she let her live in exchange for her silence and placing the entire blame on Alvaro and Miguel. Angela gladly accepts the deal. Manuela then went upstairs to yell a little more on Miguel’s corpse. In that moment Miguel rises from the dead (I don’t see how this is even possible considering a huge pencil sticking out of his neck) and strangles Manuela. They both died holding their hands together and that would be the happy-end of this nonsense.

 

Conclusion: The script here looks like it has been written by Tommy Wiseau himself. Even without mentioning bad dubbing the script is awful as it is. Many dialog are incoherent and completely out of place. I fail to see connection between the events in this movie and the Moon. Apart of few shoots of full moon (it wasn’t even bloody) there is not a word about it’s influence. Someone might say that some people turn crazy during a full moon but that is not the case here as motive is pure greed. One point I have to make about the acting is the over zealous dubbing into English made a lot of the characters come off as either obnoxious, or in Angela’s case hysterical. while there has been some obvious attempts to Americanise this film it plays out in parts more like an Italian Giallo. However, as a fan of bad ’80s slashers I find this movie enjoyable, gory and worth watching.

The last film of the Ator trilogy (things  get a bit complicated so it can also be considered a third of the quatrology) Ator: The Iron Warrior is what I would consider the most mind boggling of the bunch. While first two films: Ator The Fighting Eagle and Ator: Blade Master  were relatively straight Italo-Sword and Sorcery films (made by Joe D’Amato  just in time to cash in on the whole Conan The Barbarian craze of the 80’s).

D’Amato being a true cinema exploitator in heart  gave up on the further sequels when he found out there will be no Conan 3. So, the third Ator was instead directed by Alfonso Brescia (under the pen name Al Bradley) who changed the direction of the franchise into a more art house and psychedelic territory- sometimes to it’s own detriment.

 

 

Film begins with young Ator playing with his twin brother Trogar (this of course completely contradicts the story of him being adopted as a baby). Trogar ends up kidnapped by an evil redhead witch Phaedra. Now, next thing we know Phaedra ends up imprisoned for her crimes (I’m guessing not just the kidnapping because they sentence her to 18 years).  Also sorcerers hold her in a hula-hoop shape prison while they announce their verdict. I guess magic hula- hoop is the only way to contain a powerful witch (you learn something new every day).

This looks suspiciously like a 80’s synth- pop video!

Now, from the exchange between Phaedra and the good witch Deeva (black lady with a giant hair, previously seen in The New Barbarians) we learn that one of the twins was prophesied to protect the future of newborn princess Janna (so Sleeping Beauty kind of a deal?)  Anyway, 18 years later Phaedra returns without an ability to kill but with a mysterious warrior dressed in red and black with a metallic skull mask to do her biding. Who could that be? I wonder…

Once released Phaedra‘s fist order of business is to destroy the life of the young princes (Savina Gersak, a famous Yugoslav actress at a time) as much as she can. I also noticed that princess has one eyebrow colored in red– I guess that was the style at a time? She starts by making a scene in the court and the princess even treats her kindly! That doesn’t really stop her thou. Iron Warrior makes an epic entrance and starts destroying everything and everyone on his way. Princess somehow manages to run away but the King ends up speared six ways ’till Sunday.

 

 

Ator ( now with a darker and braided hair and wearing something that looks like a medieval version of a Mad Max costume) aimlessly wandering the lands  finds Princess Janna and saves her form the evil dwarf- like creatures  and confronts the mysterious Iron Warrior for the first time. Fight ends in a draw.  He decides to help Janna defeat Pheodra and regain her rightful place in the kingdom. Phaedra keeps performing her tricks like placing an impostor claiming to be Janna’s father, the deceased King or trapping them in a haunted castle.

I especially like the part when he throws a spear at him, and he catches it and throws it back…

Eventually Ator and Janna manage to find sorceress Deeva in her cave and she sends them to an island that has risen from the waves. There they must locate a gold chest, but Phaedra tricks Deeva, imprisons her and  then takes her place. Two of them don’t really figure out the switcheroo, at least not in time.  When Ator finally figures out that something is terribly wrong he goes on offensive and kills almost the whole army of the Kingdom. Witch just keeps pranking him and after his mighty sword proves ineffectual he decides to switch things up and sticks a torch in her mouth!? Didn’t see that one coming!

Take that you evil witch!

Now, when it seems that he finally saved the day Ator frees Princess Janna (yes, she has a habit of being captured all the time ), and she hugs him but then she does that evil stare into the camera, like she is possessed or something. That kind of faux- horror ending just seems out of place in a story like this.

She’s evil, EVIL!

Verdict: Now what Brescia does manage to achieve is the strange dreamlike atmosphere that is omnipresent in the whole movie . And it’s usage of strange angles and  frequent use of  slowmotion are somewhat ahead of time. Unfortunately, bizarre editing will often leave you scratching your head wandering what the hell just happened so any moments of actual excitement are few and far between.

Aftermath: D’Amato was by all accounts displeased how Ator 3 turned out and he publicly said that he doesn’t consider it a part of the series. So he personally took back reigns with the Ator 4 aka Son of Ator aka  Quest for the Mighty Sword and that movie is fascinating story all by itself. Noted for the absence of series lead Milles O’Keefe (replaced by his “son”, burly Eric Allan Kramer) but also for it’s usage of a Hobgoblin costume taken directly from the set of the infamous Troll 2! If fact that prompted the movie to be released as Troll 3 in Germany making it unlikely sequel of two different franchises! You don’t see that happening every day.

This will show everybody!

Thanks and acknowledgments: This is dedicated to our German friend who keeps reading and supporting (especially our Sword and Sorcery posts), people like you make it all worthwhile.