Archive for the ‘Trash movies’ Category

Now that Dark Horse Comics is again gearing up to co- produce and produce a fair amount of movie adaptation ( Jonas Akerland directed Polar is on Netflix as we speak with Hellboy reboot now in post- production) it’s as good time as any to look back at some of their early and lesser known adaptations.

     Hope they do an animated Usagi Yojimbo next!

That means we’ll skip the usual suspects like Time Cop featuring Jean Claude Van Damme (a personal favorite of mine) and even the Barbwire with Pamela Anderson. No, I’m talking about one that seemingly erased from everyone’s collective memory but at the time hailed as start of a potential franchise, Virus (1999) featuring Jamie Lee Curtis!

Now, what’s a Virus, you may ask? Well, you’re in for a treat.

 

Story starts with a Russian science vessel in the middle of the ocean having performing some kind of a reading from a newly launched satellite. Unfortunately things get tough when some kind of a solar storm ( real Fantastic Four kind-of-shit) hits the satellite and it somehow transmits a weird purple lightning all the way to the ship. That can’t be good.

(slika munje ili nesto)

We jump forward in time and we’re with a motley crew of sailors chasing a lost ship that has a nice bounty on it’s sail. Unfortunately a typhoon has another plans for them. Losing a bounty, the almost lose their lives too but by a shear coincidents they end up on a abandoned Russian high-tech ship (that promises an even greater bounty).

That makes Captain (Donald Sutherland) very, very happy. Considering he was ready to blow his head off just minutes ago that’s an improvement. Now, there’s a catch- they can’t claim the vessel unless there’s no survivors so they go out to investigate (having no idea a small spider- robot is watching them). As we always know, that never ends well.

 

In fact a bizarre accident almost cripples a Maori crew member Hiko and brave Foster (Jamie Lee Curtis) runs like hell to save him. Baker (William Boldwin) suspect there’s someone else on board, who’s guilty of sinking the tug. He turns out to be right when a gas- mask wearing Russian attacks them. After they detain “him” it turns out to be a cute redhead scientist from the beginning. So say goodbye to all those millions, right Captain?

Russian tries to run away but Curtis goes after her and cornered she tells her everything. She killed all electricity on the ship because machines were accessing everything and using the knowledge from the computers to hunt and destroy humans. And that was all before the times of the readily available Wi-fi Internet? (I somehow think that if they accesed the internet they would realize that we are all doomed and they would just leave us to self- destruct on our own).

In the meantime a couple of crew members are exploring the ship and they have a first real run- in with the machines but are still in denial of what’s really happening. They barely escape with their lives.

Do need feed the mechanical- spiders!

Now, on the other hand they find the ship’s original Captain Alexie, who’s been transformed into some kind of cybernetic monstrosity. Sutherland still refuses to believe in Aliens and tries to ignore everything. And then to make things even worse another storm hits as hard as the first one that got them here. To top it off a robotic skull attackes them at the same time!

(slika skull attack ili snimak)

They go down to the lower deck and they run into their colleague Sqeak, already transformed into a cyborg, with an even bigger robot right on his heels. Those that manage to escape try to make a contact with the Alien entity via the computer and explain themselves, but in a shocking twist it turns out they consider us a VIRUS, and we must be eradicated (can’t argue with that).

Captain Everton completely looses it and Curtis relieves him of his duties (by punching him square in the face). He seems confused and bewildered by that and being left behind decides to betray all of his crew. He types in that he is superior life- form and offers his services to his new Robot overlords.

Crew decides that the only course of actions is to stop the ship before they hit a British Coast and spread the robot plague. Their plan was to flood the part of the ship with fuel and blow everything up but before they can get going a (newly) Cyborg Sutherland shows up!

Cyborg Sutherland- gone too soon!

Curtis gets into a Ripley from Alien mode but still barely survives. Russian girl gets caught and ends up sacrificing herself by shooting the gas bottles. Baker (Baldwin) and Curtis are only ones left alive but remaining robot is still after them. Trough all the fire they find an ejecting seat and finally escape while the rest of the ship explodes in a giant hail of fire.

Verdict: This movie  had the bad luck to come out in ’99, the same year as The Matrix , movie that dealt with the evil machines much more elegantly.

But still, the highlight is unexplainable acting of Donald Suterland who isn’t doing the usual stuff like phoning it in or even overacting. No, his decisions are so off the wall that it will have you going “WTF?!” again and again and make you questing what the hell are you watching. And Cyborg Sutherland really deserves some kind of an award- I don’t think we’ll ever see anything like that again!

Trivia: Different than most of the movies on our blog, Virus actually had a fair bit of merchandising and tie- in content like a line of action figures, the Virus Collector Series and (Europe exclusive) Video Game -the Virus: It’s Aware for PlayStation 1.

 

 

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Well, Christmas is past, but there’s still snow on the ground, New Year is upon us and I say that it is still the perfect time for a little holiday fear, so snuggle up someplace warm with a mug of cocoa (tho i recommend some stronger drink for this movie), we are torrenting Jack Frost tonight. And no, this is not to be confused with equally as bad movie with Michael Keaton getting his soul trapped as a snowman. The movie I am writing about is for big boys.

Jack (played by Scott MacDonald) is to be executed at midnight, and is being transported via the “State Executional Transfer Vehicle”, as it proclaimed by large letters on the side. That’s right, apparently Death Row is outsourcing its executions. The van travels through the small town of Snowmonton, which, oddly enough, is the very town in which Frost was captured. It is also, oddly enough, the road on which a truck carrying a vat of experimental acid is traveling. The two vehicles collide, Jack escapes, and ODDLY ENOUGH, gets doused with the acid. Trouble is, this experimental acid binds his DNA to the surrounding snow, allowing Jack to be resurrected as a, yes, you guessed it, psycho snowman, thus making him capable of melting himself into water to creep wherever he likes.

Cheap labor

Like every other escaped lunatic, Jack wants to exact his revenge on the man who sent him to be executed. And that man would be Sam Tiler (played by Cristopher Alport), the local sheriff who caught him during a routine check. Sam still has nightmares since then. And they are about to get worse since someone has just iced some old man in brutal way. Sam starts to be paranoid and he calls Agent Manners (played by Stephen Mendel) to make sure that Jack frost is really dead. Agent seems to know something about that experimental acid. And now he sure it works. Meanwhile, Sam’s son Ryan (played by Zack Eginton) is decorating a snowman he found in front of his house. Yeah he wasn’t suspicious about how a six feet snowman has just materialized there. Anyway, local bully Billy (played by Nathanyael Grey) and his gang show up and tear down snowman because it is blocking a path for their ice skates. Snowman didn’t like to be pushed around so he pushed Billy on the ground right on the path of his friend’s ice skates, thus ending up decapitated. You could say he has been slain by slay.

 

Later that night Jack went to Billy’s house. I guess he to wanted reunite the family for Christmas. He kills Billy’s father Jake (played by Jack Lindine) by sticking axe handle deep down his throat (really painful way to die) and then moved onto Billy’s slightly demented mother Sally (played by Kelly Jean Peters). Despite the recent death of her son Sally still wanted to feel Christmas spirit and so she started decorating. She even expressed her wish to be an angel on top of Christmas tree. Jack not only granted her wish but he used her mutilated body as a centerpiece of Christmas tree. Ho ho ho

Axed!

The fact that her entire family had just been slaughtered doesn’t stop little slutty Jill (played by Shannon Elizabeth; best known for getting naked in “American Pie”) to do what she wants. And that would be fucking around (literally). So she sneaks out of the house to meet with her boyfriend Tommy (played by Darren Campbell) and then both of them sneak into, at that time, empty Sam’s house. Jack gave her what she wanted in the bathtub after previously dispatching Tommy by firing ice shards at him. And he gave her good. You might say he fucked her to death. Note that in this scene Jack is missing a carrot for his nose. What do you think where it ended up?

 

Jack now confronts Sam, Agent Manners and scientist Stone (played by Rob LaBelle) at sheriff’s office. Somehow they manage to lock him inside and blow up entire station. But that couldn’t stop Jack so they came up with another plan. They made a set up for Jack and then forced him to church basement using several hair dryers. Once there they trapped him in hot furnace. Poor Jack was completely melt down. But that wouldn’t stop him. See, steam is also one of the states of watter. Jack deals with Agent Manners and Stone. It seems that nothing can stop him… Except for one thing – antifreeze. One of the townsfolk filled rear end of his pick up truck with antifreeze and all Sam had to is to push Jack into the pool. Finally one good idea. Jack got completely disintegrated so they poured his remains into canisters and buried them deep, thus leaving Jack to boil in his own rage.

 

Conclusion: The movie itself is chock full of pain. There’s no logic. The means to the movie aren’t really explained and are little better than magic, which would have been a better explanation than magic acid. But it knows what it is, and sets out to do its thing with dark humor, logic be damned. As for entertainment value this movie has a plenty. Most of the jokes that can be heard here are lowbrow but there are a few clever ones, mostly related to dark humor. The effects are simply horrendous and most of the snow doesn’t even convincingly look like snow. When I think about it this movie has much resemblance to Shocker, where another deranged killer is seeking his vengeance from beyond the grave.

 

“Rock’s chosen warriors will rule the apocalypse!”

Eddie “Ragman” Weinbauer is a pathetic highschooler obsessed with the controversial shock- rock star Sammi Curr (basically Marilyn Manson before Marilyn Manson). Almost as soon as we get to know him Eddie is stricken with grief. News reports that his idol Curr has suddenly died. His friend the radio DJ Nuke (Gene Simmons) gives him a copy of Curr’s last recording on acetate record. He plans to play that same album on Halloween’s eve, in midnight, so Eddie has a chance to hear it before anyone else.

Predictably he gets bullied at school, in fact this time they throw him in a female locker room naked. Cute girl… does get friendly with him afterwords so I guess it wasn’t all a loss.In fact she asks him to come to the pool party that same nigh. Predictably he gets thrown into that same pool by bullies and even thou the girl jump in to save him he is still pissed at everybody.

After that ordeal Eddie falls asleep listening to the Curr’s final record and dreams of him performing some kind of crazy satanic ceremony. He wakes up to the weird skipping of the record and tries to play it backwords expecting some king of hidden message. Well, he gets more than he bargained for!

He heeds the message and tomorrow in the cafeteria  stands up to bullies and as they chase him the number of strange accidents befall them.

Eddie continues playing the record back and now it’s becoming obvious that Curr is in fact speaking to him from beyond the grave. Bullies try to corner him again in tool shed but they almost get killed by the machines. Even the girl of one of those ends up in the hospital. His mother finally figures out his record collection is EVIL even thou he was collecting it for years.

I also love the fact that the girl doing her damnedest to hook up with him but he’s being too full of himself to even notice. Finally realizing Curr’s power is too strong  and he can’t control it Eddie tries to run away from him but Curr can’t be controlled.  Stereo starts working all by itself and after soda spills on the record and creates an electrical surge  that gives him energy to fully cross over to our world!

 

Notice the Preacher Ozzy in the background.

Afraid he tasked his dorky Jewish friend with destroying the tape. Unfortunately curiosity got the better of him and he played it- Curr shows up like Shocker from the TV.
Curr forces him to take the tape to the school dance. As you imagine nothing good comes out of it.  Curr shows up (from the amp?) and starts rocking the place. That includes disintegrating people with lighting coming out of his guitar. I am not shitting you!

Eddie and his girl realize that the only way to stop them is to prevent the radio station from playing his record at midnight.  He tries to stop them with his electricity and Ragman ends up in water with his car but in the end the only remaining tape is destroy and with it his power.

Verdict: Movie is pure 80s cheese so if you’re into that kind of a stuff, you came to the right place. And soundtrack/ music from Fastway ( featuring “Fast” Eddie Clarke of Motorhead) complements that atmosphere rather well.

Trivia: And I would be remiss it I didn’t point out beautiful irony of having Ozzy Osbourne cameoing as a TV-evangelist/ moral crusader and he does a damn good job! Not something you would expect from the Prince of Darkness.

Some of you are too young to remember but in the early days there was nothing more disappointing then your favorite TV show (like Star Trek) starting on TV- just for you to find out it was a clip- show episode and you waited in vain. That kind of a thing would completely ruing your day.


Now, even thou that phenomenon was closely related to TV (live action). Now fair share of TV shows and Hanna Barbera cartoons too made a practice of doing that but in reality there was more than a few movies that implemented that same philosophy. Roger Corman was as guilty of that as much (or more than) anyone else. See Carnosaur/ Raptor for some examples.

 

When Frank Gallo approached him about directing a non-related sequel to the Starquest aka Terminal Voyage. I imagine he just waved his hand and said “you can use any of my old SF movies for clips and just keep it under budget”.

Movie starts right away with the clip show montage consisting of anything from Archival NASA footage to Corman’s Battle Beyond Stars all the while playing to 90’s dance beats. Can’t go wrong with that but we have no idea what’s going on.

Now, the film’s actual start has 8 people of all different creeds waking up in a mysterious compound. They are not sure where they are or what’s going on and the first thing they all witness a man in a security uniform being electrocuted by something that looks suspiciously like Hall 9000.

Things get a little heated up, a soldier (fan favorite Adam Baldwin) and ex- con Trent (played by a Kickboxing legend Jerry Trimble) almost come to blows. But then a Priest of undisclosed religion (always fantastic Robert Englund) shows up to greet them and clue them in on their situation. Turns out they are in Space.

Another video-montage played by a board computer (set to a soothing soundtrack) explains the crew that humanity has lost it’s way and heralded it’s own destruction. Then the techno music comes in and we are treated to a number of striping and sex scenes. Now, I know some strippers tend to be crazy but I’m pretty sure they are not to blame for the downfall of human civilization.

 

Then the video shifts to a doctor doing some crazy Re-Animator shit and it abruptly ends with the launch of Omega 4 Spaceship (it’s mission- to save human species). We also see the Alien narrating everything and the costume is funny as it gets (with mouth that can barely move at all). But, that’s Roger Corman/ New Horizons production for you.

Trent and the military personnel get into an argument again but suddenly the ship starts shaking- they are attack by a Reptilian race of aliens (and if conspiracy theories thought us anything,those are the mean ones). Suddenly a cyborg pilot emerges from his sleep and he does his job admirably!

Space fight scene
Star Trek- eat your heart out.

Once his done he returns to his chamber. Trent doesn’t like him one bit and can’t wait to star a fight. In the meantime the bold dude and the black chick are plotting behind Father’s back. It seems they knew about the alien attack and they are not pleased with the result.

Lee (Baldwin) and Susan start discussing their fear that the Earth was destroyed– and that’s the reason they are here. They segued directly into the first sex scene of the movie
(I guess they decided it’s time to start repopulating). The funniest thing is Baldwin has constant Alien Abduction flashbacks– and he can still keep it up! That’s admirable.

fotka

It turns out the death of the first man wasn’t an accident, ’cause they find the blond soldier woman choked to death too. Trent tries to pressure a bold dude to show him how the ship’s computer works but he activates the cyborg the Protector. Trent gets into a brawl with the cyborg and almost dies but the bold dude ends up dying it the end. “Hall” electrocutes his remains too. Englund seems displeased with the development of the situation.

Suspecting everyone and anyone the rest of the crew capture Trent (using his stripper girlfriend as the bait). Black girl seduces another soldier (what she’s up to) and then stripper starts stripping so this becomes one big soft- core “spectacle” in space.

Baldwin uncovers that he was injected with an alien DNA. Black girl finally shows her true colors and starts killing, but not before getting a lap dance herself. Man, this girl is
having a busy night. Hope they tip her well (whatever currency works in space). She and Englund get into an argument which fraction really cares for human- Trent solves the conflict by shooting them up both. Unfortunately he dies himself trying to finish the girl off.

After they are left alone Alien flight attendant video shows up again and we have some more psychedelic imagery (not really the 2001 Space Odyssey level but still).

Verdict: As far as clip show movies gothis one makes no sense but is definitely a good fun- and the cast is surprisingly solid.

And as much as I’m an Adam Baldwin fan (Firefly, Chuck, The Last Ship) my favorite parts of the movie are Jerry Trimble scenes- he finally gets to do some acting in this one in addition to his kickboxing arsenal and he comes across like one of those disturbed gang members from Death Wish III. And also his on- screen girlfriend/ stripper Jeannie Millar is a real sight to behold. I was really disappointed to find she didn’t make that much movies  (except couple Black Scorpion ones for Corman, again) before her untimely death.

Bad hairdos, dire fashion sense and a pumping soundtrack from John Farnham, can only mean one thing; We are back to 80’s! (although WM crew never left 80’s). Time for some revenge – girl style (and I am not referring to any of “GF revenge” porn movies). We at Worsemovies are well aware of what our audience is aspiring for. So without further ado, in cooperation with Danny Steinmann (Friday the 13th: A New  Beginning), for all of you sickos out there who, for some reason, wanted to see Charles Bronson in a dress, we present you – Savage Streets.

 

Following her appearance in The Exorcist and its less than popular sequel, Linda Blair made a career out of exploitation flicks of which this is perhaps the most famously trashy. She plays Brenda, a typical LA girl who leads all-girl gang “The Satins”. Like any other ordinary girls they like to hang around the L.A streets while sipping fruity alcohol and gossiping. They have a run-in with a gang of thugs called “The Scars” who were hitting on them but unsuccessfully. Girls steal and trash their car, and that’s when entire problem begins.

Women driving a car! Run for your lives!

Gang swings by to school in order to get revenge on girls for stealing their car. They try to bully some guys but they end up kicked out of the school by Principal Underwood (played by John Vernon). So they have to lie in wait for another opportunity. It didn’t took too long. They waited for gym room to be emptied so they could drag Brenda’s deaf mute sister Heather (played by Linnea Quigley) to the shower room and gangbang her there. And since Heather can’t speak she couldn’t tell her sister who was behind that. Nor Brenda had any suspects despite the fact it was so obvious considering her recent activities. That evening she went to the bar to party and drink with her friends like nothing had happened. But the gang is there as well. Can you guess whats happening next? That’s right! A bar fight!

 

liAs if one fight wasn’t enough for her Brenda ran into another fight, this time with her slutty classmate over some guy. Nice chick fight, when we can see some nice tits. As a result of that Brenda gets  suspended from the school, after unsuccessfull Principal’s attempt to hit on her. This scholl knows no bounds, I can give them that.

 

Still, not everything is so black and sad. One of her friends Francine (played by Lisa Freeman; known for Back to the Future) is getting married soon. So, while Brenda and the rest of her girl gang are visiting Heather in the hospital, Francine and Maria (played by Luisa Leschin) are going to pick up Francine’s wedding dress. On her way home Francine gets intercepted by gang. They chase her with the car. I thought they just wanted to scare her. But for reasons only known to him, the leader of the gang Jake (played by Robert Dryer) threw Francine off a bridge with words “Here comes the bride”. In the middle of the day with full traffic going on behind him! And no one bothered to stop! Vince (played by Johnny Venocur) freaked out and ran away to the hospital, where he found Heather lying in deep sleep. He tries to apologize her, admitting everything. Right in that moment, Brenda came along and heard entire confession. Now she freaks out at Vince and he runs away. Brenda finally got some clue.

Later that evening she busts into Vince’s house with knife. There he tells her about Francine. Apparently, Brenda didn’t find out that her best friend is that for entire day! I guess she was too blinded by her anger and revenge even to check out how preparations for her friend’s wedding are going. Anyway, she spared Vince and starts preparing for taking revenge girl style (and no again, it is not what you think it is). Dressed like a commando and armed with a crossbow which she bought at the local store (just like that) she went to a warehouse where the gang is gathering and hunted down Fargo (played by Sal Landi) and Red (played by Scott Mayer). Meanwhile, Vince tries to flee town but Jake runs him down with his car. Wanting to celebrate another successful hit, Jake comes to a warehouse where he finds his dead buddies. Brenda was waiting there as well. After some fight she manages to kill Jake by setting him off on fire (or at least a doll that should represent a living man). Police arrives on the spot and not a single question was raised so Brenda is off the hook. Now she has enough time to attend her best friend’s funeral. She wasn’t interested that much in her wedding tho. And that’s how this movie ends

 

Conclusion: This is a perfect 80s exploitation film for all those who are cult film fans, it certainly won’t win any awards but good-golly this is a ham covered, rock n’ roll, crossbow firing good time. It tries to operate within just about every single exploitation subgenre that was active at the time simultaneously. And of course, there’s an amazing amount of tit shots in this one, even by the standards of the 80s. And apparently it’s a film that isn’t bothered about the fact that it’s set in a high school. “Savage Streets” isn’t even approaching a good film in any way and Blair’s performance could be one of the worst ever by a former Oscar nominee. But it is ridiculously entertaining at times and any film that features the line, “I wouldn’t fuck you if you had the last dick on Earth!” is one that I can’t help but defend.

Gary Daniels was always a personal favorite of mine even since I fist saw him in an unexpectedly cool live action adaptation of a manga- Fist of the North Star.  But even thou he did everything from the slew of 90’s Kickboxing movies to the  Hong Kong appearances ( City Hunter w/ Jackie Chan) to his high profile Expendables (2010) role (he got to fight Statham and Jet Li at the same time!) he did make a few bizarre little movies along the way. And of course being who we are, we’re gonna cover some of those.

‘Punishment starts predictably enough with a story of Kickboxing champion doing some king of possibly illegal Martial Arts presentation in a seedy looking bar. He gets picked up by cops, after beating them up for good measure.

http://www.myvideo.ge/v/1517514

Then we have a scene in which the police Chief (David Caradine) shows him a history of project K.I.C.K. (in a scene suspiciously reminiscent of the Enter The Dragon exposition). It’s all about Kwan Lee, Taiwan chemist who in the 60’s invented some kind of growth hormone that makes people immune to pain. Coincidentally Daniel’s old Sensei from Japan Tadashi Yamashita (The Octagon, American Ninja, Seven) is running the drug operation right now.

  Here we can see Tadashita killing a watermelon, while not killing Gary Daniels- and we’re all grateful for that

He doesn’t want anything to do with cops but they convince him that exposure to the drug can result in genetic mutations and he panics because he has baby on the way. He rushes to visit his wife at a hospital  he ends up fighting a bunch of goons in his way, with one of the cops seemingly dying in the process but that’s how it goes).

Seeing that his wife is not doing that bad he shifts the focus on his upcoming title Kickboxing match. So, we get the fist (but not last) training montage of the movie.

 

Fight goes his way but after he won they accuse him of having metal in his gloves and then try to arrest him? No due process here!  Things are getting crazier by the minute. Daniels easily frees himself and kicks cop’s asses and gets away. Just like that.

Fighting in the ring…            

… and then fighting the cops for a good measure .

A blond lady- detective contacts him when he gets home but before they can come to an agreement another batch of goons attack them. Man, this is becoming a regular occurrence! Daniels goes after one of them while the lady manages to burn his whole house down, even thou she defeated the remaining attacker. “People are so strange these days” as the wise man Tommy once said.

Crazy and homeless Daniels searches for answers the only way he knows how- with his fists! That’s right kids, all your problems can be solved with violence. Fighting everyone and anyone we gets a lead that leads him to the (shockingly!) abandoned warehouse but he gets overwhelmed by the sheer number of attackers and ends up captured. Yamashita shows up to torture him for a bit but the detective saves him before everything goes up in flames (of the archive footage).

After that he goes to his Martial Art Master (not the drug dealing one) to get his body back in balance or something. Also it turns out that the X-Ray of his unborn child is actually a toy made in Hong Kong. And he never suspected anything!? WTF?!

Now, he’s off to do some revenging- now more than ever! Straight into the ice factory (another Bruce Lee no I guess, Big Boss this time). Among the goons we get one really pleasent suprise, a young Scott Shaw (of Vampire Bikers from Hell, The Rollerblade Seven fame).  He even gets to die via kick activated domino effect (dominoes being the blocks of ice, not really large enough to seriously injure a human being).

He gets to Yamashita but then it turns out his wife was a traitor too (even thou I don’t know why). The only problem is you can’t really tell what was his endgame. Even after decades living in the US his English is so broken that I can’t figure out his explenation for the life of me.

Good thing the cop and the reinforcments (very animated Gerald Okamura) arrive and the tide finally turns. Daniels even got to throw Yamashita off the building. Now, after siting in his office Caradine finally decides that’s it’s his time to act and steals the truck with drugs- but he ends up exploding on the bridge (another archive footage)- so maybe he should have tough twice about that.

Okamura smacking his head is an excellent bonus!

Verdict: this film has of the most nonsensical plots I’ve even encountered (I had to go over it 3 times just to get a vague idea of what’s going on) but it does have  more fights than a Mortal Kombat walktrough so that’s surely saying something.  So, if you leave your brain at the door (and forgive some repetitive choreography and terrible camera) you are bound to have fun with this one.

Trivia: Tadashi Yamashita was always a well  respected as a Karate/ Kobudo practitioner (even thou I’m always a bit skeptical when someone proclaims he is a 10 dan Black Belt in anything) and he is notable for milking both Bruce Lee craze (as Bronson Lee in Soul of Bruce Lee and Bronson Lee, Champion) and Ninja craze (The Octagon, American Ninja and The Shinobi Ninja). And as far as his technique is concerned, you can judge for yourself:

 

Ah the glory days of the early 80’s slasher film. It really does feel like these films were popping up left and right and who can really blame the studios for gambling on them, Halloween and Friday the 13th paved the way and the cash cow was going to be milked until it ran dry. Enter J.S. Cardone’s 1982 example…..The Slayer.

Fans of the slasher/body count genre already know what they are getting into as Cardone lays down the plot. Kay (played by Sarah Kendall; best known for her role in Karate Kid 2) is a surreal artist, who has been haunted by nightmares, her brother Eric (played by Frederick Flynn) believes a vacation with their
two friends would be an ideal way for his sister to ease up and start relaxing so that the nightmares in which she is being chased by monster will stop. Eric’s wife Brooke (played by Carol Kottenbrook) doesn’t like the idea of spending a week alone with unstable Kay and her husband David (played by Alan McRae). I was surprised to notice how much Brooke looked ravaged after only 4 years in marriage. Also, you should check sinister music that played in background when Eric cut himself during a shaving. Maybe the director tries to tell us something?

A

A walking nightmare

So two boring couples arrive to the island where they are going to spend unforgettable vacation. MUAHAHAHAHAHA They are being greeted by evil looking Marsh (played by Michael Holmes; best known for his role in Deadly Prey). Marsh also warned them about upcoming storm in the most odd way. Not paying attention to this warning two couple settle out for the beach with hope to catch some sun. Meanwhile, somewhere near them a fisherman gets killed by oar. I thought this island was deserted? Or they just want us to think so?

 

Later that night Kay and David had an argue. David was assaulting Kay because she is having nightmares. Like it is her fault. Kay went to bed while David had decided to take a walk around the house. He hears something at the attic. When he went to check out what that sound was the attic doors trapped his head, leaving poor David to hang from the ceiling. Seriously, how the fuck is something like that even possible? And yet he managed to die here. You really have to be a grade A moron in order to die this humiliating death. Of course, no one has noticed anything.

 

The next morning Kay wakes up in her bed next to her husband. She starts kissing him not suspecting anything and like no argue took place recently. Then the blood starts flowing out of his eyes and Kay becomes suspicious. She removes the cover only to find out that David’s body is missing. There is only just a head. She starts screaming and then wakes up, this time for real. There is no David in her bed. So everything was just a wonderful dream. Or was it? Anyway, Kay runs out of the house screaming and raising alarm. Eric and Brooke starts searching for David around the island. Kay’s dream came true when she found decapitated body of her husband hanging from the ceiling in some ruined house which Kay used to draw before. Coincidence?

Later that night, after putting Kay to sleep, Eric goes searching for possible culprit. He went to the boathouse. I don’t know what he had expected to find there. And he found nothing. So he takes a walk down the peer where he finds a fishing pole. While he was inspecting it a fishing hook flies out from
somewhere and ties up around Eric’s neck. Then the killer (whoever that might be) pulls his away into the sea. Well, Eric was talking from the start he might do some fishing on this vacation. Actually it is all he was talking about. How ironic.

 

Brooke starts searching for her husband moments after he got killed. Talking about marital connection here. And she goes where? That’s right! To the boathouse. Right where killer wanted her to be. She tried to escape but the killer pitch forked her from behind right through her tits. I guess her marital problems are now over and she might finally rest in peace. And that leaves us just with Kay.

 

The next morning Kay starts searching for her brother and his wife. She heads to the beach where she finds Eric’s bloated body on the shore and Brooke’s corpse already infested with small crabs. She starts panicking and barricading herself in the house while some cheerful ’70s music is playing in the
background. Nevertheless the killer still finds his way in. The struggle and chasing around begins until Kay had finally managed to shot the Slayer (played by Carl Kraines) from the flair gun. While killer was laying on the ground with his smoking body Kay took that opportunity to escape out. But when she opened the door a monster from her dreams was lurking on the other side. It materialized itself right out of nowhere. “What happened then”, I hear you asking. Nothing! Kay woke up once more. And yes, she was in her bed but as an 8 eight years old girl far away from the cursed island. It is  Christmas morning and her parents wants her to go and open up her presents under the tree. And her dad has a special present for her – a black kitten. Just the one Kay used to see in her dreams. Maybe it wasn’t all just a wonderful dream? What a unbelievable stupid ending!

I don’t like this present!

Conclusion: The Slayer only manages to scrape its way in to the slasher genre with its heels dragging across the floor. Like Dead Pit, Hard Cover and Small Town Massacre J.S. Cardone’s video nasty includes many of the prominent trappings, but tries to incorporate something slightly different. The majority of the runtime is pretty standard stuff as a silhouetted killer hacks off cast members one by one, but when the maniac is revealed to be a supernatural monster, Cardone stretches the realms of the category beyond tradition. The level of performance from the cast is really bad, especially the lack of emotion from lead, Sarah Kendall. Even when her brother and husband have been slaughtered she fails to look anything other than totally flat. But this even wouldn’t be so much bad slasher if there wasn’t for that idiotic ending. Sometimes it is better to finish a movie with cliché. After all, we were all expecting it.