We spoke about the “Expendables of Horroraka Death House almost a year ago when principal photography was finished but now we finally have the first trailer (and the early release date too).

Death House staring genre luminaries like Kane Hodder, Gunnar Hensen, Barbara Crampton, Michael Berryman, Bill Moseley, Tony Todd, Wernon Wells, Sid Heig, and the talented Billy Oberst Jr. will be screened for the first time June 3rd at Scare-A-Con New England. So if you’re into that sort of thing (and you probably are if you’re a WM reader) you know the place to go.

Now enjoy!

We live in the age of revivals which means we’re getting all the things we miss from our childhood: from The X-Files all the way to Twin Peaks. Now, unfortunately sometimes we get things back that we didn’t even want in the first place– but that’s life.

If you remember in the 90’s we were treated with mystical story of Shaq’a Kung Fu badassery (partially true, he did train with Billy Blanks ). The game was met with universal disdain, people cited  horrible controls, stock characters, and  non- creative backgrounds and today it’s firmly in Top 10 of the Worse games of all times. But now, more than 20 years later after a stealthy IndieGogo campaign in ’15 a new improved version of Shaq Fu, Shaq Fu: Legend Reborn is finally coming out on Nintendo Switch !!! Shaq even did all the motion caption himself.

 

“I’ve got nothing better to do…”

Now with this maybe we can even see the revival of Shaq’s movie career too, I mean he did bless us with hits like Steel, Blue Chips and Kazaam. In the meantime here’s a cool trailer for the game:

 

 

The Prowler seems like one of those films that got lost and forgotten in the myriad of slashers released in the 80s. And not without a good reason. It makes very little sense, with plot holes as big as the one in the head of it’s director Joseph Zito (known for such blockbusters like Missing in Action, Invasion U.S.A., Red Scorpion, and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter). The only thing The Prowler benefits from is the work of gore makeup guru Tom Savini, who provided the sliced arteries, gaping wounds, and sanguine floods that mark the film’s half-dozen death pieces. Hey, enough for me!

The_Prowler

Oh God, even a tag line is lame!

The movie starts with Dear John letter written by a woman named Rosemary Chatham in which she informs her boyfriend who is fighting in WW2 that she is breaking up with him because she can’t wait for him any longer. Check this out, while her brave boyfriend is fighting overseas dirty Rosy was oiling some civilian’s mast. What an ungrateful slut! Serves her rig…oh wait, we don’t know that yet. Anyway, to celebrate her newfound freedom Rosemary (played by Joy Glaccum) is attending a graduation dance in the town of Avalon Bay with her new boyfriend Roy (played by Timothy Wahrer), on June 28, 1945. At one moment they decided to go out in order to make out. While there, electrical power goes off and they are attacked by a mysterious prowler in an army combat uniform (now who might that be), who impales them both with a pitchfork, leaving behind a rose. In a modern world no electrical power means death.

Reunited in cheat

Thirty-five years later, on June 28, 1980, Pam MacDonald (played by Vicky Dawson) is organizing the first graduation ball in 35 years with her friends Lisa (played by Cindy Weintraub), Sherry (played by Lisa Dunsheath) and Sherry’s love interest Carl (played by David Sederholm). That afternoon, while visiting her love interest Mark London (played by Christopher Goutman), who is the town’s deputy, she overhears a report of a prowler, who may be on the way to Avalon Bay. The Sheriff (played by Farley Granger), off to a cabin retreat leaves Mark in charge of keeping order in the town and at the dance while he is away. Seems to me that the Sheriff flees tow because he chickened out. Let the deputy take care of dangerous murderer. That night, while Sherry was preparing for the party, Carl “accidentally” stumbled upon her while she was under the shower. She didn’t take too long to get the hint so she invites him over to join her. Carl went to undress in haste but his sexual appetite was satiated when the prowler shoved a bayonet through his brain. Tough luck, lady boy. His place under Sherry’s shower will be taken  by the killer. And he did impale Sherry but with a pitchfork instead of good old traditional way. At least he left behind a rose. Bayonets for boys, pitchforks for girls… That’s how the world works these days.

 

Without knowing that her roommate was killed Pam goes back to the dorm in order to change her clothes. But the prowler is there too. Pam started to run away and stumbles upon Mark. Instead of trying to help her Mark decides it would be safer if they run away together. Hm so much about the long arm of the law. Anyway, Pam finds the old photos of Rosemary in Major Chatham’s (played by Lawrence Tierney) house. It turns out Rosy was his daughter whose killer had never been found. She suspects it is the same killer. Well duh! In a light of new facts,  Mark heads with Pam to the dance to warn the chaperone Miss Allison (played by Donna Davis) about the possible danger. She interrupts the party by silencing the band which was signing about murder. Oh why always in slasher movies there is a band which sings about murders? Meanwhile Lisa, fed up with her boyfriend Paul (played by Bryan Englund) for getting drunk and sick, goes out to a nearby pool to cool off. Paul is arrested by Mark for public intoxication, meanwhile Lisa encounters the killer while swimming, who mercilessly slices her throat open. That’ll teach her to stop nagging about alcohol. Allison went out looking for Lisa and that’s where she met her maker since the killer stabbed her through the throat.

Night swimming and alcohol are winning combination

The local shopkeeper, Kingsley (played by John Seitz), complains to Mark he witnessed a disturbance in the cemetery, Mark and Pam go to investigate and discover an opened grave with Lisa’s body in it. They go to investigate Major Chatham’s house once more. And that’s where the prowler is waiting for them.  Mark is attacked and left for dead as the prowler then chases Pam through the house. Some strange guy named Otto (played by Bill Hugh Collins) appears and shoots the attacker. It seems that everything is OK now. Touchy scene between Otto and Pam looking at each other and smiling while romantic musing plays in the background was interrupted by the killer who recovers and shoots Otto dead before attacking Pam. HAHAHA what a fuck off! This scene made this movie almost worth of watching! Anyway, during the scuffle, Pam discovers the Prowler is none other than Sheriff Fraser himself (What a surprise, I never seen that coming, honestly)  and turns his gun against him, blowing his head clean off. Now he should stay dead. The next day, Mark returns with Pam to her dorm and she goes up alone. Discovering Sherry and Carl’s bodies in the shower, she screams as Carl seems to come to life and grab at her, only realizing that he is dead, and that him grabbing at her was a hallucination. I guess the message is that you can’t run away from the past.

 

Conclusion: As I stated at beginning of this review, this movie makes very little sense. I can understand killer’s motive for murdering his slutty girlfriend and her newfound boyfriend. But why he was killing other people 35 years later? Too many painful memories? Why did he continue his work after so much time? Why does he use pitchfork? He surely had some weapons left from the war. How comes that no one suspected him? And how he had gotten away with his first murders when it was so obvious who the culprit is? He might had deserted after receiving the letter but then he wouldn’t be able to rise to the rank of Sheriff. Very little has been explained here and these questions will probably remain without answer. The Prowler may not be one of the best films out there by any stretch, but if you want to see truly over the top, gory, overdone death scenes made by everyone’s favorite makeup madman, Uncle Tom, then give this one a watch. But only once!

In the late 80’s and the early 90’s many fine Kickboxers made the switch from the ring to an acting gig and there was always a steep learning curve there. For every Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren able to make a solid leap from Karate (or Full Contact Karate/ Kickboxing) almost straight to mainstream roles you had a fair share of people who needed years and years to get their acting chops up there, people like Jerry Trimble for example (these days an extremely capable actor- but originally someone able to do the talking only with his fists/ kicks).

“…  de la violence!” Who could resist?

 

Don “The Dragon” Wilson, a Kickboxer of a highest caliber is even below that comparison. His presence and acting capabilities seems completely at odds with his abilities in the ring. Where in the ring he was able to be relaxed and get his timing right in the movies he seems constantly tense, performing not only his lines but his specialty- kicks with such nervousness and stiffens that he looks incredibly lika  a Robocop trying to imitate Bruce Lee.

 

Movie starts with our hero (see Ring of Fire 1)  John Woo (Wilson) buying a ring for his pretty redhead girlfriend Julie (Maria Ford). She accepts the marriage proposal way to easy but they get interrupted- by a band of muscled up, biker looking thieves! Man, not a single boring day in the Don “Dragon” land. After killing an innocent man for no reason whatsoever the he good doctor Woo (yes, Wilson is a doctor in this series) jumps in to fight them with his bare hands! Police breaks in but Julie still ends up wounded, and we also get a bonus bizarre car chase (I mean the tire gets shot and the whole car goes up in flames)!

 

Now in the hospital Wilson and his retarded friends visit Jullie but he runs into the same goons trying to wheel out their compatriot in the freakin’ middle of the day (what are the odds)!  As always the fight ensues and Dragon accidentally manages to finish what he started by  accidentally shooting  the already crippled thug straight in his face!!! Doctor killing a patient- man this is dude is crazy!

Kalin (Ian Jacklin) gets arrested but quickly escapes and his second in command Predator (Evan Lurie) kidnaps Jullie. Then, what started as a by the numbers action thriller suddenly goes completely left field-in all improbably it turns into a Martial Arts remake of Mad Max series and Walter Hill’s The Warriors.

“You know that shit when they build new buildings on top of old ones? Well that shit still underneath is the Underground! Yes, the random street dude clues Wilson in and he finds the entrance to the Underground. It even has an ENTER TO DIE sign on the entrance, so this should be fun.

 

Also, somehow in the Underground there’s an agreement that guns are prohibited so the world devolved into crazy hand to hand fighting post- apocalyptic community. Not a bad idea when you thing about it. Going trough underground passageways Woo destroys everything in his path, led by a  guide- an old black Vietnam vet with a bum leg. Maybe they could have added a mystical powers too? He keeps  fighting different underground fractions one by one as he goes towards the center, the Trashcan Samurai (notice an old favorite Gerald Okamura), the Afro- Ninjas… he even fights the Skateboard Gang with Kali sticks and  flashlights!

 

Yes,  Dragon VS an evil skateboard gang! With the appropriate soundtrack,too…

His retarded (also Martial Arts friends) go after him, and mostly just kick the people already down from the Dragon beating.  Yet they manage to lose sight of what they came here for (like I said they are a bit retarded ) and end up in an underground hooker bar. Whore gang of course drugs them and deliver them straight to the villain. The only one who gets out is a small Chinese dude who gets into a fight with a disgusting bodybuilder chick.

“You are really sexy when you throw one of those spining kicks!” WORST. PICK- UP LINE. EVER.

Now Woo has to save the friends who came to save him. But don’t worry- no problem in the world that can’t be solved with some cagefighting! He goes against the Predator and deafeats him and you know what else happens- more explosions! The old veteran vet did his magic with rigging the armory. Sadly the final fight happens in the daylight so it looses some of the surreal, dream like quality other fight had. Also the main villain is just not very good.

 

Verdict: Even thou you can’t really call this a good movie it is a crazy good time, I mean it has explosions, over the top fighting,  90’s music and  (for no reason whatsoever) Road Warrior esthetics! But the truth is- this would work even better if it was an old school arcade fighting  game.

 

Imagine this- just with Don “Dragon” Wilson!

 

 

 

Everyone’s favorite burlesque dancer/ martial artist/ actress Tura Satana is finally getting a documentary of her own!

Tura laid a blueprint for every female action star that we have today with her role as villainous gang leader Varla in Russ Meyer‘s classic “Faster, Pussycat!Kill!Kill!” ( it’s truly rare to see such an ass- kicking performance even now) but that’s just a tip of the iceberg. In her youth she  was a prisoner of Japanese- American internment camp, later she was a victim of racially motivated gang rape and yet she rose up to become a martial artist/ avenging badass, super- popular dancer an then legendary B- movie actress with her turns in Meyer’s Faster,Pussycat!(1965) and Ted V. Michael’s The Astro- Zombies (1968) and The Doll Squad (1973).

Even thou she survived further hardships like a  horrible car crash in the 80’s and had numerous operations to repair her back she never lost her will to live life to the fullest. Later in her life she worked as a nurse and a police dispatcher but in 2000’s she did return to acting appearing in the The Astro-Zombies sequel Mark of the Astro Zombies (2004) , women- in- prison film Suger Boxx and she also reprized the role of Varla in Rob Zombie‘s underrated animated movie The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009).

Cody Garret started working on the project before Tura’s death in 2011 and you can easily see that it was a passion project for her and the rest of the crew. The list of the people interviewed for the documentary is seriously impressive with everyone from Dita Von Tease , John Watters (Pink Flamingos)  and Ted V. Michaels (Astro Zombies) to  Kitten Natividad (Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens) and Shannon Lee ( Bruce Lee Enterprises) gladly taking part. Movie is also narrated by the Asian- American comedian Margaret Cho.

Now is your chance to contribute before the Kickstarter campaign ends in less than 48 hours. If you’re interested go to: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/148661830/tura-the-tura-satana-documentary

There are plenty of movies which drop a spotlight onto evil things and beings that kill people (Killer Clowns for example). Most of them are using various phobias as a base for a script. Inspired by that someone in Netherlands (Dick Maas to be more precisely) came up with an idea of making horror for claustrophobic people. So, here it is folks, the killer elevator movie! The movie about diabolical elevator!

As it goes, we see 2 drunk middle-aged couples having fun and deciding to go into the rooms. Between 3 elevators all 4 of them choose the middle one. Then the lighting strikes and causes power failure. After power came back, the elevator gets stuck and air valve goes bad. It is interesting too see different reactions of the people trapped within it. As one couple clearly starts suffocating the other couple grabs each other and starts having sex for no reason (we get some nice boobs shot here) until they pass out unconscious eventually. Luckily for them, the staff of hotel finds them before they died.

MILF stuck in elevator

Felix Adelaar (played by Huub Stapel) is a workaholic technician from the elevator company Deta Liften. He had been called by hotel management to look into a problem with elevator. But for now he couldn’t find anything suspicious. So he goes back home to his wife Saskia (played by Josine van Dalsum) and their children. Later that day we see elderly blind man (played by Onno Molenkamp) signing some sort of contract with hotel manager. What is bizarre here is that his mother is still alive and blind man rushes to give her a call. As he came near the elevator, it opened it’s door leaving just a shaft for poor blind man to step into carelessly (he should have learned how to use his cane until now). It would seem that blind man struggles not to fall to shaft. But no. He just wanted to get hold onto his cap which had fallen off his head. After he grabbed it, blind man willingly falls into his death. This scene has no sense at all! One thing is certain tho: His mother is going to outlive him for sure. And you might say blind man wanted to take his favorite cap with him to a better place.

 

But that wasn’t the only victim of the evil elevator that night. One of the security people dared to poke his head through elevator doors to take a peek into the shaft. You might guess what happens next. If your guess was “decapitation” you were damn right. Here is your reward! Only for your sick  twisted amusement:

 

Time to call Felix again. He rushes back to the hotel despite Saskia’s constant nagging. She doesn’t have any apparent reason for that. She is just a bitch. Anyway, Felix is back and he meets Mieke de Boer (Willeke van Ammelrooy), a rather horny journalist for De Nieuwe Revu, a local tabloid that Felix remarks he often finds in his friends’ cat litter. Mieke smells something fishy here (although that might be Felix). When inspections reveal no apparent problems with the electrical system, Felix becomes obsessed with the continuing malfunctions of the elevator. Now comes the comedy aspect of this movie: Felix is obviously imagined as “maverick cop who plays by their own set of rules”. The exchanges with his boss (who wants the elevator-caused incidents covered up to
avoid souring an upcoming corporate merger with another elevator-manufacturing company) are  hilariously reminiscent of heroic rogue cops arguing with their desk-bound superiors in countless movies. he even tells our dogged repairman “I’m pulling you off that route!” in the spirit of the line “I’m pulling you off the case!” in cop movies. Of course, Felix continues investigation on his own time. The elevator-manufacturers conspiracy shall be uncovered! He might be onto something since When he paid yet another visit to the building, he noticed outside a van for Rising Sun, a manufacturer of microprocessors for automation. Felix and Mieke, after collection newspaper article archives about Rising Sun, try to meet up with the company’s CEO, but the CEO begins to act
nervous and answers abruptly. He visits previous lift repairman who went insane and ended up in a nuthouse (?). No luck there. Next, Mieke takes Felix to meet up with her former university professor who specializes in electronics. The professor explains microprocessors’ sensitivity to external factors, such as electric fields, magnetic fields, and radioactivity, which undermine the proper functionality and tells about a computer built years ago which had suddenly begun to self-program and went out of control. A complete rubbish if you ask me.

Microchips are watching us

Meanwhile, THE LIFT continues with it’s pranks. It tried to lure the little girl into it’s shaft. The girl was alone since her mother was having a sex with the owner of hoel back in his office. The girl screams thus luring her mother out. Fortunately, only the girl’s doll had been smashed. Her mother gave her a strong slap instead of trying to calm down her poor daughter! (That’s what you get when you interrupt your mom’s sex life) Anyway, the lift’s hunger must be satiated! It killed cleaning guy who was tap-dancing too close to shaft. Serves him right!

Spring cleaning

The next morning, Felix is summoned to the elevator factory by his boss who angrily suspends him for his unauthorized visit to Rising Sun. That evening, the owners of Deta Liften and Rising Sun have a meeting inside a car, and reveal that the elevator’s controller, made out of organic material, is going rogue by killing people in which makes them nervous. It turns out that Rising Sun’s CEO put an experimental control chip in the elevator, one which can reproduce even! (This is signified by it dripping gelatin) What a fucking dumb explanation! Soon enough, Felix’s wife leaves with their children and, feeling that he doesn’t have anything left in his life, decides to solve the elevator conspiracy. Gaining inside the building during the night, he climbs into the shaft and starts beating on the chip with a wrench; it responds by trying to smash him. Slutty Mieke comes to the rescue, dragging the wounded man out of harm’s way. What happens next should leave you scratching your head, or whatever body part it causes to itch. Rising’s Sun CEO shows up with a semiautomatic pistol, unloads an entire clip into the control panel, then turns around and enigmatically states, “It was very sick.” But the lift will have it’s final word! It shoots one of the broken cables out to drag CEO inside the shaft and hangs him. The monster has killed it’s creator! As for Felix and Mieke, they decided to take the stairs while the elevator’s heartbeat can be heard in a background. And I doubt Felix has seen his wife and children ever more. Good for him!

 

Conclusion: Dick Maas tried to make urban thriller in one environment we can’t avoid. Instead he ended up with something between cheap B-horror movie and black comedy. Maybe I missed something but I can hardly be blamed. I do not speak Dutch and English translation seems to have been written by people who have never heard human beings actually conversing, Since this film was imported from abroad you get the old-school bad movie fun of the dubbed-in dialogue never coming close to matching the lip movements of the actors speaking the lines. The dead-pan demeanor of our hero Felix, whose straight-faced reactions to all this absurdity help make the film so damned laughable. The plot itself is as absurd as it is. How can a microchip multiple itself by just dripping goo? And why it has to be evil? Is the hidden message here that all intelligent beings are evil? This is what you get when you combine new elevator with the evil of Stephen King’s Christine. Personally, I believe all of this havoc could have been avoided by placing plain “Lift out of order” sign.


As we all know every holiday deserves a Horror franchise or two- and most actually have them- from Halloween to the April 1. Now, finally there’s a proper one for Easter too and by the looks of it it’s going to be the best rabbit- based Horror since Night of the Lepus (ok, that one didn’t set the standard very high). It’ called The Beaster Bunny and you can read the synopsis and see the trailer too!

“A 50-foot man-eating Easter bunny is on the loose and the townsfolk don’t stand a hop in hell. As the bloodthirsty, floppy-eared killer leaves a trail of dismembered corpses, the town’s only chance of survival rests with a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher. God help them!”