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After the surprise success of John Carpenter’s Halloween ( made with a meager budget of $300,000) in 1978 many people tried to copy the same formula with the same desired effect. Some actually succeeded even spawning their own franchises (ala Friday The 13th ) but for every successful Slasher you’d have a dozen of stinkers. and Offerings (1989)– well, Offerings has the distinct pleasure of being the bottom of the barrel even among these. Yes, it’s just that bad.

Now, being honest the original concept showed some promise. Johnny is a kid that lives with his horrible and abusive mother (I’m guessing the dad ran away as fast and far as he could a long time ago).

streamtheofferings1Not only is she a horrible person, but her sense for interior decoration leaves a lot to be desired too.

 

He is shy and not really popular among the other kids (quite the contrary) but at least he gets to hang out with a cute blonde girl from his neighborhood called Gretchen. Unfortunately she couldn’t save him from the horrible prank that involved kids forcing him to walk down the age of the well- and ultimately falling down. Now, these kids are A- grade assholes and it’s a miracle he didn’t die right then and there. He only ended up brain damaged and  later comatosed for a prolonged period of time.

snimak

The story picks up  full 10 years later and you’d guess it- Johhny is back from the coma (and a nervous breakdown we’re lead to believe) and he’s ready for revenge. A special kind of revenge that consists of killing teenagers that wronged him and then sending their body parts to the Grechen, the blond kid he had a crush on before the prank (or lets call it what it really is- the murder attempt). Now, that kind of animalistic behavior in leaving trophies like a cat does to his owner might have actually worked and made this movie into something special but the director decides to “play it safe” and just keep copying  Halloween to a T.

I just don’t think Gretchen appreciated all of his hard work…

 

As you guessed it, that doesn’t really work out for the best. The characters are either clunky or unintentionally hilarious (master of overacting, the Sheriff’s  deputy who deserved way more time) and kills lack both the atmosphere and the goriness, and if there’s one thing you don’t want from a Slasher film that’s for it to be tame. The only truly disgusting thing is the fact that Johnny managed to serve the gang (including his loved one Gretchen) a Pizza with let’s say a sausage of human origin!!!  Sheriff suspected something but even after confirming it with a DNA analysis he just didn’t mention it to anyone and we never got to see the reactions to the accidental cannibalism.

offerings-movie-image“Somebody’s here to kill us…”

The fat, incompetent Sheriff did manage to do one thing and that’s he eventually managed to find all the missing aka dead people crammed into the well but on the other hand- while he was exhuming the bodies Johnny was busy hunting the girls (yeah and killing the goofy deputy sheriff who’s the only cool character in the whole movie). After dispatching the annoying girlfriend he chases down Gretchen (I guess to present her some other body part) who menages to get ahold of the deputie’s gun and empties the whole clip on Johnny.

Now in true slasher style Johhny just gets up and starts walking slowly towards her but the fat Sheriff finally appears and defeats Johnny with- a BIGGER gun! Yes, they had absolutely zero ideas at this point. Johnny lifts up his head one more time, uttering the word “Loooove” and then finally drops dead. I’ve never seen a movie villain do something so pathetic in my whole life.

This is so stupid it almost makes it all worthwhile

Verdict: So, this movie is basically just like Halloween but without any of the creepy atmosphere, innovative kills and with it’s Michael Myers being replaced by a fat, retarded emo kid. I would say without the same legendary music but that wouldn’t necessarily be true because they changed one tone and used a freakin’ Halloween theme by Carpenter in the whole damn movie!

Goofs: There’s also a little thing of crazy inconsistency when we find out that Johnny wasn’t in the coma this whole time but after being brain damaged he crawled out of the well (The Ring’s Sadako style) and killed his mother even thou he is just a kid, and that’s when the white coats finally got him.

Now, the acting on the other hand is a sight to behold. Teenagers  sound like a bizarre mix of California Stoners, Valley Girls and Southern Hillbillies which I didn’t even think it was possible till’ I saw this movie. And truth be told Offerings ended up being so goddamn terrible movie that I find this ridiculous Eastern European dance video way superior Halloween rip- off than this movie!

 

Trivia: Tobby Sexton, who played Jake in the movie went on to play a teenage version of Freddy Krueger (you know the scene where Alice Cooper plays his father) in Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare and unfortunately not much else.

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Comments
  1. hoveprinting says:

    I’ve always tried to sound like a mix of Californian stoner, valley girl and Southern hillbilly. It’s the only way to talk, man. Hyuk.

    Liked by 1 person

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