Movie starts with the birth of Thor the Conqueror narrated by the wizard Etna. Unfortunately the moment his father raises the little Thor in the air the kid gets shot by an arrow?! Damn, that’s brutal.
Kid magically survives but the parents get killed in the ambush although the father did fight them off valiantly as long as he could. Merlin wannabe Etna runs away with the child, to raise his like his own (although his parenting skills might leave a lot to be desired).
Decades later Thor is a young man hunting in the forest when him and Etna are interrupted by the horsemen, cannibalistic horsemen at that. They also have slaves with them and Thor is shocked to see a female one. I guess Etna didn’t really let him hang out with other kids.
Wizard starts messing with them just for Thor to surprise attack them in the forest. Slave girl tries to run away but Thor frees her- just to take her into his cave. Etna instructs him to “…make her lay down and play with her” and if that isn’t enough continues with “female is stupid, have her way with her”. Man, this wizard really doesn’t like women!
the fact that he continues instructing him all the way is extra creepy
Then he proclaims that tomorrow is a holy day of Keesha and he must leave the cave on a quest to unearth the blade of his father and the seed of gold (whatever that is). But Etna will keep watching him all the way (probably because he is a raving maniac. Unfortunately the remaining horsemen find their cave and even thou Thor disposes of them quickly the poor slave girl is killed- man she had it rough.
Thor begins his journey and stumbles onto an abandoned village, covered in mist. There he is confronted with a kinda leper looking monster with an axe. He manages to defeat the monster (via impairment of course) but that night he is confronted with nightmares and that’s something he can’t just punch.
He continues to the territory of the Warrior Virgins. He immediately gets into fight with a three of them while Etna in his owl form watches on. After defeating them Thor “has his way with” the last warrior and then continues with her as his prisoner. In a twist of fate he is the one who ends up captured by a cannibalistic tribe and she is the one who has to set him free. Despite this he still orders her around but they do eventually get more close. And yes- Wizard Etna is again there when they get intimate, no privacy with that dude.
They finally reach a non- cannibalistic but still primitive village. Early exchange ends in a duel but Thor comes out on top. They do get to eat some of their roasted pork after the conflict so- all good. But then they enter the land of the unknown.
There Thor gets invited by the another village elder and he declares him the Chief of Chiefs even though this is the first time he laid his eyes on him. I guess Teesha prophecies are just that strong. Thor on the other hand calls them “feminine men”- this is just too funny. They want him to save them from ravagers, drought and the general lack of food. They also give him a virgin as it’s customary. He is surprised by the possibility of having two women but he warms up to the idea. (It’s barbarian times so I guess monogamy wasn’t invented yet?)
He finally uses the “seed of gold” to grow crops and feed the starving village. But just as one problem is solved another rears it’s head. Army prepares to attacks the village from the mountains. Thor tries to give some crash- course training to the villages but they just suck at fighting.
Leading the army is of course Newt who killed Thor’s parents. Ina suggests an ambush when then enter the seemingly quiet village and the plan almost works. But in the end they get overwhelmed but their numbers and Thor gets captured. Even worse they blind him- so this seems to be it for his destiny.
Newt in his stupidity lets Thor wonder the woods blind thinking he got his victory. He also yells about evil spirits and stuff like that. Thor finally ends up in a cave and the wizard shows up to summon- a snake? Ok, this doesn’t look good. But then Thor catches a snake and uses the snake venom* to cure his blindness and yes by the morning he can see again!
*disclaimer- don’t use snake venom to cure blindness.
Thor demands his father’s sword and the power of Teisha from Etna and he gifts him- the horse? What’s with these wizards? Now he was to catch the horse and learn to ride. Riding also leads him to the grave where he finally finds a sword- fully equipped (by Barbarian standards) he is now ready for revenge!
Newt’s men get freaked out when they see him riding a horse- they think it’s magic. But Thor’s completely misses him on his first charge and has to duel Newt on feet (so what’s the point?). Ina also decides to give birth that exact moment so he defeats Newt to find his firstborn baby crying. Etna starts narrating from the fire and the movie ends.
Verdict: If you like your Barbarian movies prepared- Italian style with some extra misogyny thrown in- then Thor the Conqueror is a film for you.
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