Posts Tagged ‘Small Indonesian Tits’

Once primed to be the female equivalent of Bruce Lee or Jean-Claude van Damme, Cynthia now seems more like the female Chuck Norris–the legs are powerful but the charisma muscles are weak. When you pair up that with Billy Drago who plays a role of demented villain you get a hilarious fighting movie. And who would thought of such thing? Good people from Imperial Entertainment, of course.

Susan Morgan (played by Cynthia Rothrock) has a happy life: she has a career as a successful female boxer, and her husband Sonny (played by George Rudy) is a soccer star who plays for Jakarta. Enough with fairy tales now! The action in this movie begins immediately, with Diego (played by Billy Drago) and his gang stealing a valuable bag of diamonds from the “Mob”. They are all wearing silver hockey masks and Diego has one of those Hi-Man haircuts. It is almost immediately notable that Diego is one evil, psychotic son of a bitch. “Mob” is Italian (no surprise there) who is delivering his role so hilariously that we had to re-watch it several times. Sadly, his role was too short since Diego and his gang killed him with paintball guns (seriously, see for yourself below) before leaving his place with diamonds.

 

On their way back they hid diamonds in one of Sonny’s suitcases in order to avoid being detected at airport. Then they followed Susan and Sonny right to their home in Jakarta. There they raped Susan and tortured Sonny in order to tell them where are diamonds now. Sonny apparently doesn’t know anything about diamonds so they broke his leg thus ending his soccer career too early. Then they made him watch Diego raping his wife again. Now I don’t understand who would want to have any intercourse with Cynthia Rothrock, let alone rape her twice. Anyway, Diego would rape her if there wasn’t for their maid Sari (played by Bella Esperance) who came with a shotgun and scared off the intruders. But diamonds remain uncovered. Later in movie Sonny admits to Susan that he hid diamond because he thought it was gift from Gods. He wanted to feed his people with them. And he hid them in the most impossible place of them all – a drawer in his work desk! Who would have thought of looking there?

Who would DO such a nasty thing

Diego and his gang don’t want to leave empty handed so they come back to Sonny’s house finding him sleeping with gun in his wheelchair. More torturing occurs resulting in death of soccer player (officially, it was suicide). After his funeral Susan decides to take justice into her own hands. She dresses up as
prostitute and kills one of Diego’s informers in some back alley. The next morning Captain Anton  played by Adisoerya Abdi) informs Susan that he had arrested a possible suspect and that he needs her to confirm his identity. It was Diego all right. But Susan didn’t confirm that. Probably because she wanted to kill him herself. What a devilish plan.

No, it’s just wrong

Diego keeps calling Susan and coming into her house whenever he wants. Susan changes her appearance again and takes down one of his gang members. How? Well, she lured him into the lift and started strangling him with a belt. Not minding being strangled the thug still continues grabbing her ass. At least he died with boner. The next night Diego decides to pay her a visit. He and his right hand Reb (played by Sam Jones; best known for his role of Flash Gordon) broke into her house playing games with her. Thinking that Diego is sitting in her late husband’s wheelchair Susan shoots it with a shotgun just to discover that in her late husband’s wheelchair was indeed her late husband. Yup Diego dug out his corpse and placed it on it’s throne. Ha villains strike back!

No use, it’s still Cynthia

Morons from police only now remembered to offer Susan a protection. No use of it now. Susan decides to return the favor. She kidnaps Reb who manages to escape from the car. More martial arts commence resulting in Reb ending up being squashed by enormous container. He laughs his manic laugh right up until he becomes a pancake. Only at that time did Diego notice that Reb took too long in toilet. Meh probably constipation.

 

Now the twist! Remember Sari? Well it turns out that she is in cahoots with Diego who promised to take her to South America after all is over. What a dumb slut. Sari lures Susan into an abandoned building where Diego was waiting for them. Susan manages to kick the gun off Sari’s hands. This enraged Diego who tried to run over Susan but ended up running over Sari instead. Hm no need to point out a poetic justice here.

 

Now the final showdown. At a steel mill as it was the custom in ’90s movies. A lot of deranged fight takes place here with a lots of turnovers. Diego tried to rape her once more but she stabbed his dick with a knife. Eventually, Susan kicks Diego in stomach who explodes after that for no apparent reason (as if it could be any). After revenge was complete Susan decides to leave Indonesia for good and focus on her kickboxing career. And Sonny did eventually achieve his plan. Some poor Indonesian kid found diamonds while tending his grave. He served the greater purpose.

 

Conclusion: Needlessly nasty, LADY DRAGON 2 does little to elevate Rothrock to full Kung Fu Queendom. Clearly her best career interests are not served by appearing in poorly shot, ineptly written vehicles that employ standard “Go Get ’em, Girl” plot lines. Not only are the revenge elements tiresome, but the film’s main selling point–Rothrock’s martial arts exhibitions–are listlessly choreographed and dully directed. Without exciting action sequences that pack a wallop, a martial arts movie has no point. Here the stuntmen seem to be standing still awaiting Lady Dragon’s every kick. The only thing worth watching in this movie is disturbed role of Billy Drago as a main villain. But even him failed to convince me at moments. But nevertheless he plays the character really well and you just love to hate him. Other than him only Sam Jones was decent in his role of deviant, evil, sadistic sidekick.

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Before Indonesian cinematography went to extremely hilarious, entertaining and over-the-top action movies (like The Stabilizer) they had bizarre, pointless and bizarre attempts of horror making. Combined with a low budget and non-existence of actors you get lame, unwatchable motion picture. Mystics in Bali is the perfect example of this. Based on an old Indonesian folklore tale (which ground base is almost as weak as screenplay) this movie was condemned to utter failure from the very first scenario pitch (under the condition that actually there were any, instead of some drunk and highly drugged dude took the camera and went to a nearest bush at night).

MysticsMystics…in Bali

The plot is very simple. A young girl Catherine (played by established actress Ilona Agathe Bastian), with interests in occult, wants to learn witchcraft for a book research, so she comes at her boyfriend Mahendra (played by Yos Santo) to the small Indonesian island called Bali. There her boyfriend, who is the native (what a lucky coincidence), used his tribal connections and managed to find a genuine, old, crusty evil witch. As a dark arts training fee witch (played by Sofia W.D.) demands jewels and several jars of blood from Cathy. Cathy pays the price easily (we don’t know whose this blood is or how she had obtained it; maybe Mahendra had some in his stocks in basement). Witch drinks that blood using her tentacles. In return, witch does a tattoo on Catherine’s leg. Now the training can start.

First lesson is scheduled for the next evening. Cathy, like any other good student of occultism, shows on time. Meanwhile, tattoo on her leg has expanded (Mahendra was very glad to have it inspected closely). Anyway, Cathy’s lesson are consisted of learning how to laugh like a real witch, followed by some sort of tribal dancing with a witch. But that’s not everything. Tomorrow Cathy told Mahendra that she is almost a master of liyah spell. After only one night and one lesson! Cool, where can I sign up? So now Cathy can change her shape into everything she wants. And of all interesting shapes she and the witch had chosen a shape of two pigs! Ok first time is always trivial. Second and final lesson will be held next evening at midnight!

How to laugh like a witch

Like always (one previous time, that is) Cathy shows on time. Witch assures her that she is going to become her disciple after in black arts after only one more thing is done. And that thing is to borrow Cathy’s head! No, for real! Witch casts some spell, throwing Cathy in deep state of meditation and detaching her head from her body! Altogether  with spinal cord. Head flies away, breaks into some house and using a vampire teeth, sucks out a baby from pregnant woman who was lying in bed. Now that’s bizarre! Of course, head goes back to witch where she uncovers her real plan. Her name is Leak Queen and as you could guess it, she needs fresh blood to regain, in her words, TOTAL POWER and her youth. Quite typical for a woman to try to satisfy her vanity. Of course, Cathy remains under a Leak’s control and remembers nothing of her evil deeds. As you can see, you can find clichés even in Indonesian culture.

I know you think of porn while watching this

Worried with what he has heard from Cathy, Mahendra asks his uncle Machesse (played by W.D. Mochtar) for a help. Machesse doesn’t take that very seriously, at least not until a second murder of wild flying head. Then he is forced to call for an elder mystics council meeting, where they discuss current situation with drinking, smoking, stating the obvious things and nodding to each other after those statements. On that meaning we learn that witch has to take 3 lives of newborn babies in order to achieve her goal. As for Cathy, she started to suspect something is wrong after her head returned to her body with a blood on it’s lips. Tremendous power of deduction indeed! Still, she doesn’t want to denounce herself of a power and when witch (now looking much younger) visits her at home, asking for more fresh blood, Cathy doesn’t even put an effort in attempt to refuse her. Her only argument was that she is going to do it tomorrow with following explanation “It is late now. Where to find fresh blood at this hour?”. Hm, the girl has the point. But of course, witch can’t wait so Cathy’s head flies out again in search for third victim. This time it has been ambushed by angry peasants armed with torches and pitchforks. Machesse saw whose head is this and warned Mahendra that it is too late for Cathy. He also tried to prevent head to reattach to body by sticking Chinese sticks into Cathy’s still body, but there was no use of it (no shit).

UntitledNirvana

Angry with foiling her plans witch attacks and kills Machesse, in a supernatural low-budget fight, which can be best described as “kindergarten kid draws a lightings on a film role”. Seriously, compared to this, a drawn lighting from the original “Childs play” is an Oscar wining material in special effects department. Anyway, Machesse’s death is not the end of everything and triumph of evil. His brother (oh come on) who is even greater mystic (COME ON) shows himself out of nowhere and engages in wizard fight with a witch who has transformed into some sort of kabuki monster. That means more bad effects during which one member of Worsemovies crew got an epileptic seizure. Second uncle triumphs eventually, as it was expected. Oh yeah, and Mahendra managed to kill Cathy using a dagger his uncle gave him (though we haven’t seen when such thing occurred). End of the movie and complete silence of disbelief in room broken only by sounds of body trembling on the floor.

Rick Baker eat yourself!

Conclusion: Hint for director H. Tjut Djalil: Never try to make a movie based on special effects if you have no budget. Better not to show any flashy stuff than to try it this way and embarrass yourself along with the entire crew. Not that I would say actors in this movie know for shame, regarding their acting. Instead of pissing away entire film budget (2$) onto special effects that cause temporary blindness and malfunction of brain waves, they should have invested it into getting at least one actor who knows how humans behave when they are in fear. Though I would recommend watching this Mystics in Bali. It is a good laugh after all.