Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Posted: 30/12/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,

Many of deranged people had tried to cash in birth of our Lord in many ways. But the most despicable of them all are Christmas movies, the worst Christmas tradition of all times. If you ever watched titles such as “Silent Night Deadly Night” (all parts), “Santa With Muscles”, Home Alone 3 and 4″, you’ll get the idea what i am talking about. But those movies are nothing in comparison with “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”, which is supreme and unquestionable ruler in the land of junk Christmas movies. Calling this movie a trash would represent an ultimate insult to every empty can, used product envelope and dirty diaper that has found it’s way to trash can. Also, calling this movie a Christmas movie would make Santa Claus to rage-vomit. So there you have it. I am stuck even with categorizing this nonsense. Nevertheless I’ll try to give my best in attempt to pass you experience I had while watching this.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

PLEASE GOD, NO!

Movie intro is nothing more than creepy song “Hurrah for Santa” which gives us hint of director’s insanity in the very start. The year is 196-who-cares. Existence of Santa Claus is widely acknowledged. Christmas eve is near so Santa Claus has to work like a hell if he wants to make enough toys for every child on this planet. Since his existence is no longer a secret, TV stations are announcing Santa’s visit. And we are going live to Santa’s workshop on the North Pole! There we see a lot of poor little elves working with no pause in fear of their evil master who had enslaved them. Of course, TV camera records only toys they had produced, not their misery. More workshop scenes….More unhappy elves…And here we come to grand finale – owner and soul proprietor of this cold factory of happiness. We see Santa Claus himself – an old, manically depressed drug addict, smoking the pipe which probably contains a highly suspicious ;substance. That is further proved when he is unable to remember the names of his raindeers, even calling one of them Nixon (?!). On the other hand even the Santa lives in fear of a real North Pole master- his wife! The diabolical Misses Clause is yelling instruction to everyone until she notices the camera and completely loses her shit. Santa uses the opportunity to disappear ( he’s probably sipping some Christmas punch a little early this year).

In the meantime on the planet Mars, two only two of Mars’s children (who happen to be kids of their leader) are watching TV, human TV! Thank God this was before the reality show era or we would be really in trouble. Noticing that the children are acting depressed their mom (and only female on Mars it seems) asks her husband to do something and cheer them up. He does the only logical thing- pays a visit to a 800 years old crazy man who advises him to find a Santa so the Mars children can experience the true childhood. His underling with awesome mustaches rejects his opinion but the leader is pleased and they are soon on the mission- find and capture the Santa Claus!

Don’t worry kids, nothing will ever be worse than this…

The crew which has been selected for this mission consists of leader Kimar, evil Martian with mustache named Voldar, imbecilic Martian named Dropo, and some other 2 random extraterrestrials. Despite the fact that their flying saucer has been seen by millions of people USA government still tries to cover up their visit to Earth. The fact that TV anchor somehow is getting news 5 secs after something happens doesn’t make their job easier. They even launched a counterattack which consists of 20 minutes of archive footage from WWII. We are skipping this part. We are back now to flying saucer. Interesting thing is that all instruments inside the ship are named in English language. This led us to believe that Martian and English languages are completely identical by astonishing coincidence. After they landed on Earth, they kidnapped couple of kids to help them find Santa. We are led to believe that one of the kids is female but all the evidences suggests otherwise (especially his/her unibrow). Kids pointed their way to North Pole. After landing there, Dropo secretly frees little brats after he previously was touching them. They tried to hide in cave but a man in a costume of polar bear scares them with gorilla movements and his lion roar. Eventually, two kids that are too retarded to be in orphanage, had been captured again

Meanwhile, in Santa’s workshop, Voldar storms in with his ultimate weapon – feeble minded robot named Tord,  After only 30 seconds spent alone with maniacally Santa, Tord confused himself with a toy and stopped functioning. In the background we see Misses Claus bulshitting something to her husband. Led by a motto “” If you want something to be done right, do it yourself”,  Voldar comes in, unholsters his paralyzing gun and shoots elves. Santa agrees to go to Mars just to get as far as he can from his wife. Voldar paralyzes misses Claus receiving Santa’s gratitude. They all aboard then to flying saucer. Amazing thing is that newspapers inform of Santa’s kidnapping a moment later.

After arriving to Mars, Santa gets new, improved workshop. After making a shitload of toys for a little Martian kids he gets informed that he will never be allowed to go back to Earth. Dropo starts cross-dressing as Santa (very disturbing) and gets kidnapped by Voldar who finally had enough of Christmas spirit. Also he tries to discredit Santa Clause by sabotaging his toy machine (instead of teddy bears it produces voodoo dolls). Voldar gets confused by false Santa, and then starts bitch slapping with Kimar.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

He defeats mighty Kimar, but falls a victim to little toy tanks, soap bubbles, and 4 little kids, after which he breaks down crying.  In the aftermath Dropo is pronounced the new Santa aka Santa of Mars and the original Santa heads back to Earth with kids because he is running out of time and needs to start delivering the presents ASAP. The last thing we see is an up close shoot of the moon, so it seems they run out of fuel and never made it back. It seems the Christmas will have to be canceled this year. The End.

Verdict:

HO- HO- HORRIBLE!

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