Posts Tagged ‘Insanity’

Gary Busey had his moments in bad action movies (mostly in the 80’s), but “Act of Piracy” is so boring, bad and predictable that I would be surprised if many  people remembered it. It was one of the last Busey’s attempts to play good, family guy before he switched to bad-guys roles. Seeing this movie, I am  surprised he hadn’t it come earlier.

Film starts on some yacht carelessly cruising the sea. It is the yacht of Ted Andrews (played by Gary Busey). Ted is obviously not enjoying the cruise. He is  trying to reach a certain Sandy by the phone. She hung up on him when she heard his voice. That really have pissed him off so, in the next scene, Ted storms  into Sandy’s house by breaking a front door. Busey style, hell yeah!!! It turns out that Sandy (played by Belinda Bauer) is his ex-wife. Her current  boyfriend Dennis (played by Dennis Casey Park) is also there, but he does nothing about Ted’s busting in (*cough* pussy). Apparently, Ted wants to get  married (seems to me that he just repeats a mistake he already did). He found a buyer for his “Barracuda” yacht. Actually, girl named Laura came to him and  asked if yacht is for sale. That is how he met his girlfriend. Laura said that she knows Australian billionaire who is interested in “Barracuda”. Buyer offers  good amount of money, cash payment on delivery, with money expenses for sailing around Sydney. So, Ted decides to take his children on cruise. Sandy refuses  his request, but only for a short time, since Ted threatened her with reporting Dennis to police for stealing and cheating on people. This caused a brief  hysterical seizure to Sandy.

This is not what you think it isThis is not what you think it is.

We are back to Barracuda now. Ted and his girlfriend Laura (played by Nancy Mulford) are standing on the deck. Laura seems to be a bit nervous about meeting  his family. Her fears were solid based since she got chewed out by Ted’s kids Tracy and Mark during dinner that evening. Ted’s Brother C.W. (played by  Douglas Bristow) and his wife Nadine (played by Nadine O’Brian) are also there. Also, we find out that Ted is Vietnam veteran and Navy Seal Instructor (you  can’t go wrong with putting ex-agents into a movie). Later that night, shits are starting to happen. One of crew members, Scotty, comes in Ted’s room and  informs him that there is some speedboat following them. Ted goes to ivestigate leaving Scoty and Laura alone in the room. Laura takes that opportunity and  shoots Scotty in the back with silencer gun. I bet you didn’t see that coming! Laura continues her killing spree. She enters the room where C.W. and Nadine  are sleeping and kills them in coldblooded manner. Next on her hit list are crew members and she kills them one by one, including dumbass dude who had easily  overpowered her, knocked her on the floor and then started running away, without even previously having her disarmed. Of course, result of such action is  bullet in his back. After cabins, now deck is next place to be cleaned up. But not in the old fashion women way. More crew members died there by Laura’s  hand, including Ted, who went overboard after getting shot. It seems that cleaning is done, so Laura helps gang from the speedboat to board in. Gang leader,  Jack Wilcox (played by Ray Sharkey; best known for his role in “Mummy”) is her real boyfriend. The yacht has been cleaned for him, and the only survivors  are kids, Mark and Tracy. After an argue they decided to keep them (but not in adoption way). And somewhere in the sea, Ted is floating on a segment of the  speedboat wreck, which Jack had detonated after getting aboard on Barracuda.

Ted is in the hospital now, pulling his connections in order to find the missing yacht and the kids. His ex-wife Sandy helps him as well. Despite Agent  Johnson’s opposing, both of them decide to put in air video in which Ted offers a reward for any information about missing yacht, And kids, I suppose.  Meanwhile, on the other side, Jack, Laura and rest of the gang are planning several terrorist attacks. Taking over Madagascar, for example…. But not before  they exploit a fight between Greece and Zimbabwe. So, next scene takes us to Harare, where Jack and Laura are having a meeting with one of their contacts.  That’s not so important, so I’ll do fast forward to only scene in the movie that is worth of mentioning. After the meeting was over, Jack and Laura went to  their hotel room, where Jack is giving her what she needs. She seems completely satisfied, so she goes onto balcony to smoke a cigarette, while Jack turns  the TV on. In that very moment, Ted’s video appears on the screen, including photos of yacht and kids. Now read carefully… Ted’s turns off the TV, goes to  the balcony, starts kissing and squeezing Laura, takes her in his arms, and drops her off the balcony to her death!!! And all of that with a romantic music  playing in background!!! What a way for breaking up!!!

When you use a product, you throw away an envelope!

Ted receives a call from a hotel manager in Harare. He travels there superfast and that’s where the chasing game really begins. And after identifying  Laura’s body, he gained another personal reason for vengeance. Yeah, right. Like missing his own kids is not reason enough. Soon, the first encounter with  gang members occurs, but Busey kills them all while driving Volkswagen’s Golf 1. Jack and the rest of the gang are now in Greece, and Ted follows them using  his contacts and other anonymous people who wanted to help. He locates the missing yacht but now he needs to infiltrate. And what would be better way to do  it than sending his ex-wife Sandy (with who, btw, he renewed the old flames and who is about to be an ex-ex-wife) to seduce Jack. Not a bad idea, since he  ditched off the balcony his last bitch. So, the story repeats. But, with one difference. It seems that Jack isn’t as stupid as he looks like. He discovers  that Laura is Ted’s wife, so he uses her to capture Ted as well. Ted got some problems with being tide up, but once when he got loose, nothing could stop him  from having his face used as a punching bag, killing singlehandedly entire gang, rescuing his children and wife, and going into the sunset to that damn  cruise he always wanted. The end.

Living punching bag.

Conclusion: This movie is so uninteresting, boring and predictable that during it’s watching I came several time in temptation of turning it off and making  up the ending of movie for review purposes. I really doubt that anyone would notice it. Everything from the stunts, production, sound, soundtrack, picture is cheap and pointless. Apart of slutty Laura being chucked out of hotel balcony, none other thing in this movie is worth of mentioning. I strongly recommend  that you should stay away of this movie as far as possible!!!

Many of deranged people had tried to cash in birth of our Lord in many ways. But the most despicable of them all are Christmas movies, the worst Christmas tradition of all times. If you ever watched titles such as “Silent Night Deadly Night” (all parts), “Santa With Muscles”, Home Alone 3 and 4″, you’ll get the idea what i am talking about. But those movies are nothing in comparison with “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”, which is supreme and unquestionable ruler in the land of junk Christmas movies. Calling this movie a trash would represent an ultimate insult to every empty can, used product envelope and dirty diaper that has found it’s way to trash can. Also, calling this movie a Christmas movie would make Santa Claus to rage-vomit. So there you have it. I am stuck even with categorizing this nonsense. Nevertheless I’ll try to give my best in attempt to pass you experience I had while watching this.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)


Movie intro is nothing more than creepy song “Hurrah for Santa” which gives us hint of director’s insanity in the very start. The year is 196-who-cares. Existence of Santa Claus is widely acknowledged. Christmas eve is near so Santa Claus has to work like a hell if he wants to make enough toys for every child on this planet. Since his existence is no longer a secret, TV stations are announcing Santa’s visit. And we are going live to Santa’s workshop on the North Pole! There we see a lot of poor little elves working with no pause in fear of their evil master who had enslaved them. Of course, TV camera records only toys they had produced, not their misery. More workshop scenes….More unhappy elves…And here we come to grand finale – owner and soul proprietor of this cold factory of happiness. We see Santa Claus himself – an old, manically depressed drug addict, smoking the pipe which probably contains a highly suspicious ;substance. That is further proved when he is unable to remember the names of his raindeers, even calling one of them Nixon (?!). On the other hand even the Santa lives in fear of a real North Pole master- his wife! The diabolical Misses Clause is yelling instruction to everyone until she notices the camera and completely loses her shit. Santa uses the opportunity to disappear ( he’s probably sipping some Christmas punch a little early this year).

In the meantime on the planet Mars, two only two of Mars’s children (who happen to be kids of their leader) are watching TV, human TV! Thank God this was before the reality show era or we would be really in trouble. Noticing that the children are acting depressed their mom (and only female on Mars it seems) asks her husband to do something and cheer them up. He does the only logical thing- pays a visit to a 800 years old crazy man who advises him to find a Santa so the Mars children can experience the true childhood. His underling with awesome mustaches rejects his opinion but the leader is pleased and they are soon on the mission- find and capture the Santa Claus!

Don’t worry kids, nothing will ever be worse than this…

The crew which has been selected for this mission consists of leader Kimar, evil Martian with mustache named Voldar, imbecilic Martian named Dropo, and some other 2 random extraterrestrials. Despite the fact that their flying saucer has been seen by millions of people USA government still tries to cover up their visit to Earth. The fact that TV anchor somehow is getting news 5 secs after something happens doesn’t make their job easier. They even launched a counterattack which consists of 20 minutes of archive footage from WWII. We are skipping this part. We are back now to flying saucer. Interesting thing is that all instruments inside the ship are named in English language. This led us to believe that Martian and English languages are completely identical by astonishing coincidence. After they landed on Earth, they kidnapped couple of kids to help them find Santa. We are led to believe that one of the kids is female but all the evidences suggests otherwise (especially his/her unibrow). Kids pointed their way to North Pole. After landing there, Dropo secretly frees little brats after he previously was touching them. They tried to hide in cave but a man in a costume of polar bear scares them with gorilla movements and his lion roar. Eventually, two kids that are too retarded to be in orphanage, had been captured again

Meanwhile, in Santa’s workshop, Voldar storms in with his ultimate weapon – feeble minded robot named Tord,  After only 30 seconds spent alone with maniacally Santa, Tord confused himself with a toy and stopped functioning. In the background we see Misses Claus bulshitting something to her husband. Led by a motto “” If you want something to be done right, do it yourself”,  Voldar comes in, unholsters his paralyzing gun and shoots elves. Santa agrees to go to Mars just to get as far as he can from his wife. Voldar paralyzes misses Claus receiving Santa’s gratitude. They all aboard then to flying saucer. Amazing thing is that newspapers inform of Santa’s kidnapping a moment later.

After arriving to Mars, Santa gets new, improved workshop. After making a shitload of toys for a little Martian kids he gets informed that he will never be allowed to go back to Earth. Dropo starts cross-dressing as Santa (very disturbing) and gets kidnapped by Voldar who finally had enough of Christmas spirit. Also he tries to discredit Santa Clause by sabotaging his toy machine (instead of teddy bears it produces voodoo dolls). Voldar gets confused by false Santa, and then starts bitch slapping with Kimar.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

He defeats mighty Kimar, but falls a victim to little toy tanks, soap bubbles, and 4 little kids, after which he breaks down crying.  In the aftermath Dropo is pronounced the new Santa aka Santa of Mars and the original Santa heads back to Earth with kids because he is running out of time and needs to start delivering the presents ASAP. The last thing we see is an up close shoot of the moon, so it seems they run out of fuel and never made it back. It seems the Christmas will have to be canceled this year. The End.