Worsemovies

What do you do when you’re faced with a stumbling franchise with it’s main star and only draw (Jean Claude Van Damme in this case) long, long gone?Hell, the only thing you really can do- bring Albert Pyun into the fold.(see under Albert Pyun). So what does Pyun offer that can potentially revitalize these films you might ask. Well that one’s easy: ton of idiotic bikers, (almost a midget) teenage Taekwondo chick, villain who wears make up in a desperate attempt to look Asian, a ninja pervert, couple of confused BJJ experts who’re not sure how they got there and some soft- core pornography. Hellyeah!

The cool dude and the kid are not impressed!

In the begining we see the fabled third Slone brother, David Slone (Sasha Mitchell)- character who’s even existence defies the logic of the series (it’s absolutely clear from the first one that there are only two Sloan brothers. He is jailed although we are not informed of his exact crime but soon enough  gets a letter with an invitation to the greatest martial arts tournament of all times (if we exclude Bloodsport)! Invitation is kinda informal aka consists of his mortal enemy Tang Po who rubbing his nose with the fact that he has his wife as a hostage!

Somewhere around 15 minutes of his freedom and he already menages to get into a fight with some predictably dirty looking bikers. After an unimpressive victory where he threw some super- slow knees from Thai clinch he gets an offer  to go to Mexico and join the tournament… that he already had an invitation for? Hmmm… doesn’t matter!

He hitches a ride to Mexico. Naturally he walks into a biker bar and after witnessing extremely rude and extremely small teenage girl eating a beer bottle in the face he starts destroying the bar with his predictably slow kicks and knees. Interestingly Mitchell was once upon a time a fit and good looking model capable of holding his own but by this point he became a fat slob going thru the motions, casually trying to fake mastery in the art that he practiced for full two weeks  before the shooting. Little girl is surprisingly incredibly angry at him for saving her ass and it turns out that she is also here for the tournament.

Soon afterwards they are welcomed to the Tang Po’s hacienda (what’s Thai champion doing in Mexico again?).

They witness the psychopathic musketeer looking fellow annihilating the dude’s face and then they fight for qualification, fight… each other!!! Little girls lasts about 5 seconds.

Fair fight!

Tang Po is presented as successful record producer (?) and businessmen and he soon starts an all out, Hitler-like speech (strangely with a strong Mexican accent) to all the tournament participants,over the feast of course. Now we run into the first (really BIG) problem with this movie. Even thou original Tang Po actor Michel Qissi was hardly of Thai origin (in fact he was of Moroccan descent) he had  vaguely East Asian features needed to portray a Muay Thai wrecking machine convincingly. On the other hand Kamel Krifa, Tang Po actor in this movie was as white as they get and was even original star- Van Damme’s dubble for years. So let us analyze this for a second… you have a dude resembling original Slone Van Damme and instead of doing the logical thing-  casting him in the main role you go for the 10th alternative option and force the dude into wearing a bold cap and hilarious make up so he can a resemble an Asian!? Damn! You have to ask yourself- was there even one sane person on this set?

Oh, and one more thing- he doesn’t even slightly resemble Asian person after all that trouble- NOPE! He looks like a washed up drag queen- not really a look you should go for if you are trying to present yourself as a feared martial artist!

A Muay Thai Killing Machine?

Then the night comes and with the night many peculiar things happen. Sloan becomes a ninja (???) and starts prowling around the hacienda. Logic would tell us that he is trying to find his captive wife but something stops him. No, not the armed guards- he finds one of the tournament fighters having a threesome with two oiled up blond babes and decides to stay and watch. Next thing you know it’s morning so he must have spent all night scouting the local perversions- shame on him!

Early in the morning the tournament continues and now we see why genders and categories exist in Martial Art competitions- Musketeer-like dude is doing his patented “face into concrete” move repeatedly on a woman in black kimono. First time you see it it’s kinda funny but after the seventh blow it’s nothing else but seriously disturbing. I’d like to think that even the evil martial art dudes chose to avoid crippling girls and women if they have a choice. Then we have an absolute devastation  of a black dude in Kempo kimono (as every other person of African descent in this film). Then as he’s laying on the floor without any signs of life,  his neck obviously broken someone is yelling “get up coffee” in the background. Idiotic and racist but funny as hell.

At certain point participants final realize that none of them will be left alive as the winner and that the whole grand tournament is  a scam to (somehow) smuggle shipments of cocaine into the country. Lead by an extremely chilled dude (friend of Sloan, played by Brad Thornton) and a diminutive blond (that’s still around the tournament even thou she lost- something like Mirko Crocop on the last K-1 tournament) remaining martial artist raise against the Tang Po’s mercenaries with uzi’s using… Martial Art of course! ’cause, why not! You only live once.

Tang Po finally recognizes Sloan- maybe he tricked him by wearing the sunglasses (the old Superman/ Clark Kent trick). Doesn’t matter, Sloan bring the fight to the deadly Muay Thai machine himself and they end up battling it out (another bunch of lousy knee strikes) on the Swedish table!!! That’s just one step above fighting in the water as far as I’m concerned. Anyway Sloan escapes being hit by a bamboo stick (don’t know how that got there) and serves a plate of high-kicks to Po wrecking  him completely in the process. The main henchman tries to escape with his wife but the Slone grabs a kitchen knife from the said table and the rest is history.

Reunited with his wife (that’ll probably have to go trough the lifetime of psycho-therapy to face the fact that she was tortured and raped for about a year) he leaves the property of Tang Po never to return- unless someone decides to make another crappy sequel.

 Sorry, but this man just gets funnier every time you see him!

Trivia: Sequel in fact did get made but thankfully it featured a real martial artist( Mark Dacascos) and 0(zero) Sasha Mitchell which makes it almost an Oscar caliber film in comparison.