Desecration of H.P. Lovecraft’s lifework continues even in modern age. But this time it’s not wretched Brian Yuzna who had crippled this master of horror (but after watching this I wished it was him). Now, who could do even lousier job than Yuzna, you might wonder. Who else than Albert Pyun, master of making complete calamities out of movies. He had filmed Cool Air in 2006., but he had problems finding the distributors for entire 7 years! And now I can see why.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000276150Don’t be fooled by this! There are no visual effects here!

That something is terribly wrong here (besides the fact that Albert Pyun is director), we could notice on the very beginning, when we were tormented with intro that has been made in Powerpoint (badly if I might add), with at least 70% of the entire script written in it!!! Then, out of nowhere, we get 5 more minutes of monologue of Charlie Baxter (played by  Morgan Weisser), a struggling screenwriter who tries to find his inspiration isolated somewhere in the mountains above Malibu.  He finds accommodation in some mountain mansion. It is beginning of summer. What really pokes my eyes is too sunny and relaxed environment (yeah, even inside the mansion) that does not go along with this genre. Also, camera handling is amateurish at best, due to it’s constant shaking. Absence of slowing video in post-production (if there were any) makes me to  feel like I am watching some kind of documentary or reality show.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000082749Fascinating!

After renting the room, Charlie starts meeting the other residences of mansion. There we have suspiciousness landlady, her autistic daughter Estella (played by Jenny Dare Paulin),  mysterious doctor in a room above him (from where some sort of fluid is dripping into his room), and strange, old man residing across the hall. The young writer seems to be mostly interested in Estella. His intentions to score with retarded girl are well known to all of us. And even to her mother, the landlady. After one of Charlie’s attempts to get closer to Estella, her mother finally gets pissed off  and orders him to pack his things and leave the house in 24h. But, instead of listening to her and getting the hell out of there before she calls a police, Charlie gets a wave of inspiration caused by recent events and lodgers. So, he sits down and starts furiously writing his long ago started and never finished “Great American Screenplay”.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_001905904This screenplay will  surely end up reviewed by Worsemovies crew.

Now keep in mind that Charlie is obviously young, strong and completely healthy man. So, it was surprise to us when he suddenly suffers heart attack while writing his story. Unable to call for help, he staggers to staircase, followed up by annoying flashes of picture camera that has been used for making this movie.  There is no one around him and he collapses. But, suddenly the doors of the upper room opens and older, ugly woman appears.  Yeah, that’s the room with cool air in it and from where fluids are dripping. Now he could complain about it (if he wasn’t almost dead, that is). He passes out, but the Doctor takes him into treatment. And he awakes in a cold room as a cured man. That room belongs to Doctor Shockner (played by Crystal Green). There, he finds out about Doctor’s special medical condition that has forced her into life in coldness.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_002187476Hm, she is not that well preserved.

Now Charlie is back to his room. Since he will be very fragile for next several weeks, Doctor Shockner had managed to convince landlady to let him stay in the mansion. Estelle was really glad to hear this, so for next couple of weeks she has been serving him with love in her eyes. Poor child. But, things are changed. After a recovery, Charlie starts spending more and more time at Doctor Shockner’s room, listening to her insights about tissue and organs preserving, and also attending her needs (not that kind of needs!) of outside world. All of that until the day  air conditioner in doctor’s room got broken which caused her starting to melt down and falling apart (shown by the worst effects of evaporation ever). Things are even worse for her due the fact that it is summertime and it is really hot outside. After one of Doctor’s fingers fell off, Estella took it and buried in the ground hoping that something will grow out of it (?!). Anyhow, this turned out to be huge shakedown for Charlie, who closed himself into his room, suffering alone and occasionally writing his screenplay. Strange old man named Deltoid from across the hall visits  Charlie to give him a comfort. Deltoid (played by Morgan’s father Norbert Weisser; best known for his episode roles in The Thing and Schindler’s List) told Charlie a sob story of how he was worker in amusement park and how he killed his wife.  Also, he revealed to young writer that he is keeping his dead wife in freezer for a long time hoping that Doctor Shockner will eventually keep her promise and restore her back to life.  In the end, he cuts his own wrists ( no blood at all; I guess ketchup was waaaaaaaaaaaay over Pyun’s budget) , lays before his dead wife in freezer and dies!!!

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_003820983She is so hot that she is steaming!!!

After Doctor’s demise, Charlie decides that it is time for him to move away, leaving behind dead old man, unhappy retarded girl, her satisfied mother, and huge pile of Shockner’s remains. We get 10 more minutes of monologue and Powerpoint presentations. The end (?)

Conclusion: I am not even sure that this can be considered as a movie. Shaky amateurish camera, bad acting, reality show style filming, monologues that seems to be recorded after the filming was over and then added in post-production (if there were any), non-existence of any kind of visual effects…. All of these things make watching this movie to be unbearable experience.  The script has absolutely nothing to do with actual Lovecraft’s story, which shouldn’t be considered as surprise since we know that Pyun’s girlfriend Cynthia Cuman was in charge of adaptation. Another scary fact are occasions that led to making this movie. Apparently, Albert Pyun had decided to take a break while working on Infection (2005), so he used those 2 weeks of pause in order to make Cool Air. Now, I always salute every attempt of filmmaking without using CGI, but Pyun shouldn’t have completely ignored this technique. It seems that Albert Pyun’s failing at making movies is progressive, as the time passes. This is, without any doubt, the worst H.P. Lovecraft adaptation in extremely strong competition. The only light spot of this monstrous cinematography attempt is music made by Anthony Riparetti. That’s the only thing that goes along with this story and genre.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000534951Possible scriptwriter of Cool Air.

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