Posts Tagged ‘H.P. Lovecraft’

Let’s get one thing straight right now: In the following review not a single word is made up or events from the movie are altered in any way. Furthermore, I am almost sure that I will fail in attempts to describe madness of certain scenes. By that I mean that there aren’t many words which could give precise insight into such level of insanity, madness, sickness, twisted humor, and mind fuck this movie provides. So let’s get ready for mind aptitude test and close view of final chapter in Re-Animator saga – Beyond Re-Animator!!!

Beginning takes us 13 years before events in the movie had happened. On one stormy night young Howard (played by Tommy Dean Musset) is with his friend in small tent located in his yard, telling a ghost stories. They think they heard something so they rush into the house. Meanwhile, Howard’s sister Emily (played by Barbara Elorrietta) is in the kitchen drinking milk. Why is that detail important? Because it was first Brian Yuzna’s mistake (out of many others) who is both director and producer of this movie. You see, Emily is drinking from a milk carton with screw-on cap on it. In 1990., when this scene is set, such type of milk carton didn’t even exist. Only with folding spout. Ok, back to movie now. She also thinks she heard someone and leaves a kitchen in order to investigate. She is crossing the living room (where we can also notice reflection of cameraman in large wall mirror for the entire scene; Yuzna’s second mistake in only first 3 minutes of the movie) and gets surprised by her brother. Both of them were relieved. But not for long. Zombie (well, re-animated corpse, to be more precise) suddenly appears from nowhere. He tosses away Howard and nerdy looking kid, and focuses his attention directly to Emily. No, it is not what you think. Remember, living impaired don’t have sexual needs. Zombie kills Emily by smashing her head of the wall and then drinks her milk. How many more lives will be lost in milk feuds, I wonder? Anyway, before poor zombie managed to finish his milk police officers comes in and blow his head off. “Who called the police?”, I hear you asking. Well, police weren’t there because of Emily and Howard. No, they were there because of none other than Dr. Herbert West (played by legendary Jeffrey Combs of course). They are placing him under arrest after causing Miskatonic University Massacre. So he is still alive. No one have bothered to explain how the fuck did he manage to survive collapsing of entire house on him in previous movie (Bride of Re-Animator). Nevermind that now. Important thing is that he is alive and still re-animating. Young Howard finds special green mixture used for re-animating. Mad Dr. West probably lost it while he was taken into police car. Zoom onto West’s pride face on the backseat of police vehicle and that’s the moment when well-known intro credits start.

MilkA trophy!!!

13 years later Dr. West is still serving his sentence in jail. He looks almost the same but acts more creppy and insane (yeah, that’s possible). And the fact that he has been incarcerated for so long time doesn’t stop him from continuing with his re-animation experiments. But he is short of corpses so he is using a rats. And what he is doing with all those rats? He electrocutes them, of course and takes notes afterwards. Hm what he has been up to now? His experiment is interrupted by dumb-looking Sergeant Moncho (played by Lolo Herrero). He brought new work assignment papers to Dr. West (in that scene we can see boom mic inside Dr. West’s cell; another Yuzna’s goof). And he learned a new word. Dubious. Anyway, what that new work assignment might be? Apparently, brilliant young doctor (played by Jason Barry) has chose to work at prison clinic. His name is Howard Phillips (as in Howard Phillips Lovecraft). But why did he choose this workplace if he was so brilliant? Warden Brando (played by Simon Andreu) asked him the same question. Same as hot reporter Laura (played by Elsa Pataky) who happened to be there because of interview with horny, psychotic Brando who enjoys electrocuting people. Howard has given them some inconclusive answer. Doesn’t matter since we are going to find out soon his true motives. One of the prisoners called Moses (played by Nico Baixas) has suffered a heart attack  and has been transported to prison ambulance where Howard meets Dr. West. After a brief talk over the Moses’ corpse (yeah, not even 5 minutes at job and Howard already managed to lose patient) we find out that Howard is big fan of Dr. West and his work in the field of re-animating and he wants them to work together. As even the dumbest among our readers have already guessed, Dr. Howard is none other than young Howard who lost his sister Emily 13 years ago. He even kept DR. West’s re-agent he had found that night for all those years. And they are going to use it on late Moses corpse. So basically, we got ourselves here two mad doctors. Of course, poor Moses turned feral and attacked them. Still no progress in re-animating. But wait… Best is yet to come.

Dr WestMad scientist in prison again!

While Moses has been locked in the box and beaten up by sick warden Brando, both of our mad doctors/scientists are conducting research. Dr. Howard provided everything Dr. West needs for his experiments. Dr. West believes he has found a way to restore rational behavior to re-animated people. But he doesn’t tell us how. Yet. On the other side, searching a way to cope with pressure, Dr. Howard managed to pick up horny Laura. During the first sex scene in Re-animator trilogy we can briefly see the reflection of a crewmember’s hand in a large mirror located above the bed in which Laura and Howard were making love.
Now, do you remember the rat Dr. West had electrocuted? Well it was the pet of another prisoner, some badass Mexican guy called Cabrera (played by Erneique Arce). Cabrera will have West’s ass if he doesn’t give him his rat back. Alive. Having no choice nor much time Dr. West decides to re-animate rat using his (in)famous re-agent. Of course, Dr. Howard, who is a bit gay for West, provided all ingredients necessary for making a shitloads of green liquid. As it always happens rat turns feral with supernatural strength. Now the second part – restoring RATional behavior. Here is how they are going to do it.
You see, when you die, last thing you see stays on the back of your retina, kind of like a photograph. According to Dr. West, he found a way to store that memory in small device called nano-plasma, in form of electric impulse (which he did earlier while electrocuting the rat). And not only that. It also tells the cells how to grow. So, he transferred impulse back to rat’s brain and voile!!! It was success. Or at least it seems like a success. Anyway, later that day, Dr. West was happy to give Cabrera his pet back. And Mexican was glad to get it.
On the other side of prison Laura takes another grand tour through building. She sneaks in Moses’ cell wanting to get interview with him. But warden Brando finds her and gets mad. Moses attacks him and bite his ear off, in that way earning himself getting beaten up with Brando’s cane. It seems that when you lose your ear your hormones go through the roof (someone call Jeffrey Combs to check up on this) since warden tried to force Laura to blowjob. Or maybe it is just because Brando is having really heavy mental issues. Anyway, Laura refused and tried to escape but warden was faster and strangled her. You guess what comes next.

Things are starting to get out of control in every sector of prison. West and Howard had re-animated Laura (and Howard calls her Elsa; another goof). Of course, she is still mindless since they lack nano-plasma. Warden discovers their secret lab. West uses an opportunity to knock him down, electrocute him and capture his nano-plasma impulse so he can transfer it back to Laura. But it didn’t turn out to be as ideal as they would think. It seems that Laura struggles between herself and warden’s attitude. Meanwhile, in prisoners part of building, Moses managed to escape his cell, beat down Sergeant Moncho, free Cabrera who sets free the rest of the prisoners. Cabrera also tried to rape Laura (she is got something savage in her, I can tell you that) but she easily repelled him with her superhuman strength. After that she joins the riot thus commencing a complete anarchy.

RatLunch time!

Wanting to conduct one last experiment Dr. West re-animates warden, leaving him tied to a table so prisoners could easily find him. But that came back to bite his ass since warden managed to knock him down and steal his bag full of re-agents. Even re-animated, warden continues to do his job. He beats up prisoners, kills Sergeant Moncho because he failed to fulfill his orders as a guard and then re-animates him. So, now warden has become the re-animator. Also, re-agent gives him a chance to fulfill his sick, twisted desires. How? He hangs prisoners all around. When they die of suffocation, he re-animates them so they suffering could be prolonged for infinite time. Man, this guy really hates crime.
WardenThis is gonna hurt.

We also got answer to the question what happens when you re-animate a living person. Though, no one actually asked it but it doesn’t hurt to know. Or it does? Anyway, while Brando was enjoying in suffering of hanged prisoners, one of the remaining living prisoners, a junky called Speedball (played by Santiago Segura) stole several re-agents and injected them into himself. He got really high, I can assure you. Meanwhile, Moses has cornered slutty looking nurse Vanessa, undressed her and started eating one of her tits. No, for real! That shows what disastrous effects prison may have on some men. But that’s not the end body parts feast in this movie. Get ready now! Remember warden’s failed attempt to force Laura to blowjob. Well, he found her again and this time he had more success in making his wish come true (thus negating my theory from the beginning of this review about how living impaired people don’t have sexual needs). You got to admire that man’s libido. But not for long since Laura bites off his dick and spits it. No, really! And it seems that dick has it’s own will.

Meanwhile, Dr. West has his own problems too. Half of Cabrera’s body jumps down from the ceiling and attacks him. Thanks to Yuzna’s “brilliant” production we can see the shadow of actor’s legs on the left wall. Great fight commenced. Half of the man overpowers West easily. Eventually, mad doctor triumphs by throwing poor half-man far, far away. Is that really a way to win a fight against handicapped man?

Progressive madness as we are coming near to an end. Dr. West finds Speedball and tries to get his re-agents back. Speedball really seems to did overdose since he exploded. But he is still alive. Without a complete front skin that is. Dr. West used an opportunity to retrieve re-agents and Speedball’s eye. I don’t need to tell you what does he intend to do with it.
Dr. Howard fights his battle with much stronger Laura. It was almost certain that he is going end up dead but eventually he managed to cut off her head. So that settles everything, right? Wrong! Aren’t you forgetting someone? Warden is still alive. But now he has become a crab. Or at least he moves that way. Dr. West engages in fight with him for one more, last time. And even that is not a fair fight. Cabrera’s half of body flies into the room (I only don’t know how). Dr. West, who is really pissed off in this moment, strikes it back in manner of professional basebal player using the warden’s cane as a bat. Now it is time to finish job. He electrocutes warden one more time, this time on electric chair, cracking out one more one-liner: “This experiment is over”. HA! Who says that scientists can’t be action heroes! Entire fight was spectated by warden’s dick and rat.

AudienceAudience

By the time S.W.A.T. team arrived Dr. Howard has already lost his mind. Dr. West used Howard’s new founded insanity to steal his ID card, leave a prison by introducing himself as Dr. Howard Phillips, leaving a poor, young doctor to laugh loudly together with Laura’s decapitated head. So, this time Herbert West is alive for sure at the end of movie.

Happy endHappy end?

Conclusion: I don’t know what I could possibly have to add here. Such madness can’t be seen even in most of Troma films. This looks like someone had Ed Wood re-animated. Apart of Jeffrey Combs, who plays Dr. West as best as he can, overall acting is tragic. Same goes for production. I don’t remember a movie who got so many goofs. Even budget was higher than in previous two parts when put together this sequel is the worst in franchise. It is simple – Yuzna shouldn’t be allowed to direct. Special effects and make up done by Screaming Mad George are decent but got lost in sea of bad production, repeating plot, severed dicks, flying torsos and eaten tits… But, despite all above mentioned, Re-Animator trilogy is far superior than Lord of the Rings trilogy, Indiana Jones trilogy and original Star Wars trilogy combined!!! And, I am going to repeat conclusion from my review of Bride of Re-Animator… When I die I still don’t want to be RE-ANIMATED!!!

P.S. For all of you wrestling fans out there here is a little treat for you:

Desecration of H.P. Lovecraft’s lifework continues even in modern age. But this time it’s not wretched Brian Yuzna who had crippled this master of horror (but after watching this I wished it was him). Now, who could do even lousier job than Yuzna, you might wonder. Who else than Albert Pyun, master of making complete calamities out of movies. He had filmed Cool Air in 2006., but he had problems finding the distributors for entire 7 years! And now I can see why.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000276150Don’t be fooled by this! There are no visual effects here!

That something is terribly wrong here (besides the fact that Albert Pyun is director), we could notice on the very beginning, when we were tormented with intro that has been made in Powerpoint (badly if I might add), with at least 70% of the entire script written in it!!! Then, out of nowhere, we get 5 more minutes of monologue of Charlie Baxter (played by  Morgan Weisser), a struggling screenwriter who tries to find his inspiration isolated somewhere in the mountains above Malibu.  He finds accommodation in some mountain mansion. It is beginning of summer. What really pokes my eyes is too sunny and relaxed environment (yeah, even inside the mansion) that does not go along with this genre. Also, camera handling is amateurish at best, due to it’s constant shaking. Absence of slowing video in post-production (if there were any) makes me to  feel like I am watching some kind of documentary or reality show.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000082749Fascinating!

After renting the room, Charlie starts meeting the other residences of mansion. There we have suspiciousness landlady, her autistic daughter Estella (played by Jenny Dare Paulin),  mysterious doctor in a room above him (from where some sort of fluid is dripping into his room), and strange, old man residing across the hall. The young writer seems to be mostly interested in Estella. His intentions to score with retarded girl are well known to all of us. And even to her mother, the landlady. After one of Charlie’s attempts to get closer to Estella, her mother finally gets pissed off  and orders him to pack his things and leave the house in 24h. But, instead of listening to her and getting the hell out of there before she calls a police, Charlie gets a wave of inspiration caused by recent events and lodgers. So, he sits down and starts furiously writing his long ago started and never finished “Great American Screenplay”.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_001905904This screenplay will  surely end up reviewed by Worsemovies crew.

Now keep in mind that Charlie is obviously young, strong and completely healthy man. So, it was surprise to us when he suddenly suffers heart attack while writing his story. Unable to call for help, he staggers to staircase, followed up by annoying flashes of picture camera that has been used for making this movie.  There is no one around him and he collapses. But, suddenly the doors of the upper room opens and older, ugly woman appears.  Yeah, that’s the room with cool air in it and from where fluids are dripping. Now he could complain about it (if he wasn’t almost dead, that is). He passes out, but the Doctor takes him into treatment. And he awakes in a cold room as a cured man. That room belongs to Doctor Shockner (played by Crystal Green). There, he finds out about Doctor’s special medical condition that has forced her into life in coldness.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_002187476Hm, she is not that well preserved.

Now Charlie is back to his room. Since he will be very fragile for next several weeks, Doctor Shockner had managed to convince landlady to let him stay in the mansion. Estelle was really glad to hear this, so for next couple of weeks she has been serving him with love in her eyes. Poor child. But, things are changed. After a recovery, Charlie starts spending more and more time at Doctor Shockner’s room, listening to her insights about tissue and organs preserving, and also attending her needs (not that kind of needs!) of outside world. All of that until the day  air conditioner in doctor’s room got broken which caused her starting to melt down and falling apart (shown by the worst effects of evaporation ever). Things are even worse for her due the fact that it is summertime and it is really hot outside. After one of Doctor’s fingers fell off, Estella took it and buried in the ground hoping that something will grow out of it (?!). Anyhow, this turned out to be huge shakedown for Charlie, who closed himself into his room, suffering alone and occasionally writing his screenplay. Strange old man named Deltoid from across the hall visits  Charlie to give him a comfort. Deltoid (played by Morgan’s father Norbert Weisser; best known for his episode roles in The Thing and Schindler’s List) told Charlie a sob story of how he was worker in amusement park and how he killed his wife.  Also, he revealed to young writer that he is keeping his dead wife in freezer for a long time hoping that Doctor Shockner will eventually keep her promise and restore her back to life.  In the end, he cuts his own wrists ( no blood at all; I guess ketchup was waaaaaaaaaaaay over Pyun’s budget) , lays before his dead wife in freezer and dies!!!

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_003820983She is so hot that she is steaming!!!

After Doctor’s demise, Charlie decides that it is time for him to move away, leaving behind dead old man, unhappy retarded girl, her satisfied mother, and huge pile of Shockner’s remains. We get 10 more minutes of monologue and Powerpoint presentations. The end (?)

Conclusion: I am not even sure that this can be considered as a movie. Shaky amateurish camera, bad acting, reality show style filming, monologues that seems to be recorded after the filming was over and then added in post-production (if there were any), non-existence of any kind of visual effects…. All of these things make watching this movie to be unbearable experience.  The script has absolutely nothing to do with actual Lovecraft’s story, which shouldn’t be considered as surprise since we know that Pyun’s girlfriend Cynthia Cuman was in charge of adaptation. Another scary fact are occasions that led to making this movie. Apparently, Albert Pyun had decided to take a break while working on Infection (2005), so he used those 2 weeks of pause in order to make Cool Air. Now, I always salute every attempt of filmmaking without using CGI, but Pyun shouldn’t have completely ignored this technique. It seems that Albert Pyun’s failing at making movies is progressive, as the time passes. This is, without any doubt, the worst H.P. Lovecraft adaptation in extremely strong competition. The only light spot of this monstrous cinematography attempt is music made by Anthony Riparetti. That’s the only thing that goes along with this story and genre.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000534951Possible scriptwriter of Cool Air.