Posts Tagged ‘Adriana Stastny’

“Do you believe in Dracula Sir?” There is a moment in every persons life,when you sit down,take a deep breath,and retrace your steps. You challenge your decision making. You try to pin-point the moment when things took a certain turn. You know, all the dumb turns you took that led you to the situation you are in. Like watching “Werewolf”. I agreed to watch a movie done by an “Persian Ed Wood” Yes that is me. I am that person. We all make mistakes in this life, that’s how we grow,ok?

The movie opens with some fairly good Indian music. So now we know the background of the story. And now we now that the budget, if there ever was one, was spent on the music. Or they just stole it. Fight for your dreams man.Okay so now we are watching Jurassic park. Wait no, its still “Werewolf”,but we are on this excavation site where they are now about to find an artifact, or a damn werewolf itself.

The Indians are digging, white folks are….supervising and being dicks, like its only appropriate. You know, ”just being white over here”. They find “something”,and what is the smartest thing to do when you find something? Well FIST FIGHT OF COURSE. This movie is sponsored, and brought to you by the word “Smart” The fight is fun to watch because its terrible. My favorite moment is when this Mexican Indian dude is dropped on his ass just to bounce back of it like a ball, back to his feet. |”Boing,I am back bitches,wanna some of this?” Yes we do,kindly proceed. But the fight comes to it untimely stoppage as some folks jump in,including Richar Lynch AKA Noel,who drove casually ,trough the desert, to brake it up, and we now discover that the Indianest looking Indian of the group is bleeding,and its not from the fist of doom,its from a cut. Yes,he cut himself on a werewolf. Werewolf skeleton,to be exact. And its bad.How bad? This bad

Charlie Sheen’s uncle Joe Esteves,(Joel) is one of the Indian workers,and he is freaking out,internally. He looks like a deranged Serbian politician. Its that bad. Its a motherfucking werewolf,and he knows it. But,he isn’t the only one who knows it.We now cut to the some kind of lab,where we have Natalie,(who isn’t aware she is in the movie and hence the acting is required),Noel and Yuri,all surrounding the skeleton.  Its “a skin walker”, “a shape-shifter”, “a lycantroph”… A hombre fucking lomo. Its a werewolf.  Or if you ask Natalie “A werewolf” Yep,that’s it,they know it by just looking at its sharp teethed cow scull and cute little feet.  “A WEWEWOLF?” (Honey,can you learn to pronounce the name of the fucking movie we are filming here?Its literally the name of the movie. And the movie is about the werewolf so if you could just….nah never mind,good enough)  “Fascinating.But Joel was so upset this morning,what do these creatures do?” Nataly honey…Let us take it from the start.ITS A FUCKING WEWEWOF,what do you think they do?  But the good thing is they know when a man is a werewolf, “he sleeps,like coyote,nose to his anus” Menwhile, Joel is getting more and more deranged,he now looks like an electrocuted chicken.)

Now,the boys at least know something. Natalie doesn’t even seem to know what a skeleton is, she is intelligent, and its a good thing she has that going for here, because you know, shes a scientist. “This doesn’t look like any conventional animal I have seen, what do you think it is?” Nataly, honey, ITS A FUCKING WEREWOLF get with the program woman! But then Noel comes up with “With a chance of sounding nuts, I think we have just stumbled on a remains of a lycantroph” A FUCKING WEWEWOF, you just said that, what is wrong with you people? Did they film one version of the sceene, then did another, than couldnt decide wich one they like batter, so they left them both in….oh PERSIAN ED WOOD…riiiiight. “A wewwof?” Yes Natalie,again,yes honey. Now,the Indian is in the hospital,and the doctors are pondering the situation. “I have never seen anything like this,hes face is constantly transforming…you should have some rest Dr,you look exhausted” “Yes,thank you for the advice little nurse,off I go to have some sleep” Looooong gaze at the transforming, air sniffing patient. “Yes,sleep”But at least Yuri dresses as the doctor,and sneaks in to the Indians room. He examines him,takes his blood, he is batter at this fake doctor thing, than the scientist thing. And leaves…presumably to sleep. And the transformation sequence begins.Our patient is screaming his wolf head off,no one hears it, cause its the hospital, not like you would notice a werewolf transformation in the freaking hospital.

The transformation is now complete. He runs down hospital hallways,dressed in hospital gown,here and there wrestling a guard,doing Macarena…doing whatever werewolves do. Natalie’s question now seems legit. “What do they do?” He’s howling like Celine Dion. Hes wearing hospital gown,give him heels,let him live a little. And his outside of the hospital,running loose,raging havoc or something. Joel and the third Indian worker are waiting for him in front of his house,where they expect him to come and sleep “nose to his anus”.They are armed,ready to shoot their friend.All ties are cut when you are a werewolf,man. YOU SLEEP NOSE TO ANUS. And the werewolf approaches, looking like a bear, and hides in the bushes,looking like a rabid chihuahua. Cant settle one one look there, Persian ED?

Now he’s a bear,now he’s a chihuahua , now he’s a bear,now he’s shot. And it’s the new day,and a new sheriff comes to town.Well not a sheriff,a writer. Handsome man named Paul. In a cab ride back to his old home,as he grew up in this town,the driver chats him up. This ain’t the same old town you left son. “Just last night,half man half animal got shot. Do you believe in Dracula Sir?” What does Dracula have to do with this? Leave him out! He is in fucking Transylvania being awesome. This is your “America’s got talent” wewewof. As Paul gets home, he is greeted by his housekeeper.

I want bearded shoot gun wielding houskeeper. He sings too. We cut to the party, Nataly is there, with Noel. Paul is there, looking like a Dracula,with his date-not-date,who’s acting skills are amusingly worse than Natalie’s. Paul and his date-not date get in a fight and “Good,you can walk home” thing happens. She walks away-to drive away, and he’s a free agent. It all happens just in time for him to rescue Natalie from drunk Yuri. Yuri might “have no class” but he has sass, and the idea of pouring some white powered shit (werewolf bones or?) in to museums night keepers glass. TO TRANSFORM HIM. Success! Something weird is happening, thinks the night keeper, maybe I should drive! Transformation happens in the car. Now we have a werewolf displaying another of many werewolfy talents as he is FUCKING DRIVING.  Yuri is following him. But then, the werewolf is like,yo, werewolves cant drive, throws his paws in the air (like he just don’ care) and BOOM, crashes. What was the point of this again, Yuri?

Back at the party, our Nataly is like “Yo, Paul,you saved my ass (from being grabbed) now let me show you the biggest discovery on this earth. Good thing that we know each other for like two minutes.” He tells her that he is a freelancer, that he has connections, that he can get the story out. Not sure that’s what you want Natalie. Wanna wait a little? No? Oh well. I love how the museum scenes are so loud, roars, screeches, some bone instruments playing ,hisses…and also, they play a sample of Tiranosaurus rex roar from the final T-rex scene in Jurassic park. Some museum this is! Yuri’s going around,casually touching stuff. When it comes to the werewolf bones, hes “Impressed, never seen anything like this” Well dude,I would be surprised if you have, ITS A FUCKING WEREWOLF. But then drunk jealous Yuri walks in and he is pissed. Let’s sort this out like gentleman,fighting using priceless werewolf scul yaaaas. Boom, Pol is hit with the said scull, bleeding like he was hit with a fucking sword. The injured one in this duel, Pol goes home where he proceeds to transform-not transform-transform. You have to give it to the actor,he really got in to it.

 

So in the middle of his transfrom-not transform-transformation, Natalie shows up and he’s like, yup im fine,whass up? He is sorry for the damage to the bones, but Nataly is all like “Heeey,no biggie,its just wewewof bones, its not like we can’t fix them,or get ten other sets. Lets have sex!” Someone else wants to have sex, young couple in the jeep, but sometimes,a  werewolf interrupts you. Crawling one. The one that is suppose to be in the bed with Natalie.The girl starts screaming, jumps out of the car and runs, the guy..well,w ho cares right? Wewewof and the girl then fight in this shallow pond, for like ten hours,no one knows what this wewewof wants really. And then,we cut to him in bed, in pajamas, rolling around. Where is Nataly? When did you put your pajamas on? What are you doing? Are you okay? The girl he came to the party with,chooses to appear. There’s a scary shadow…claws….walk towards the shadow honey. Because ,word from our sponsors is SMART. They run around a little,she falls down the stairs to her safety and runs out of the house, never to call the cops or zoo,or marines. And boom its the next day and Paul is..a little worried. He calls Nataly to is aid because she’s SMART. “Come on Nataly what are you holding back?” Oh nothing Paul,its just that the inidan had turned in to beast and his friends had to shoot him,and now he is in the hospital, you can send him “feel batter” card huh? “Oh,I am sorry I got you in to this mess Paul. I am concerned about your well being” Nataly, you are too sweet.

Now, they go out to the bar, where Nataly is set to prove that she is batter at playing pool then scientist. Guess who shows up to play, its their best friend Yuri. Now its the right time for Paul to sit in the corner, and quietly.  transform,as Nataly has a partner for the next game. A guy walked straight outta Terminator 2 bikers set, and straight in to this scene, and why not, Nataly plays with him to. Paul is like, never mind me, ill just keep transforming. Good thing no one in this crowded place is noticing. They must have some weird drunks.To be honest, he does remind me of people after drinking more rakia than they should. He decides to take the rest of the transformation to the bathroom and Yuri decides its the time to take a piss, so heeey they meet.Yuri has the mix of feelings about this,because yeeey he has found himself a werewolf, but then, he is in tight confined space with one.They never bother to tell us why Yuri wants himself a pet werewolf, he just does. He decides to run, Paul gives him a head start as he is regaining his werewolf composure, and the chase ensues. Werewolf Paul takes his time to knock out few guys on his way, to kung-fu fight another guy, to jump on cars,…Meanwhile we get a little insight in Yuri’s thinking. It seems like he expects some kind of reward for bringing live werewolf. And he, being the expert, thinks Paul went back to his “nest”. Werewolves live in nests? “Now we must get back to him before the day break”Yes, why wait until he is back to his human form, lets hunt him now when he can kill us…or punch us with a few overhands. Nataly is still worried for Pauls “well being”. She cares not for any reward! “You and Noel are in it for fortune and fame? Well OVER MY DEAD BODY!” Oh Paul I am coming to save you.

And would you look at that,Yuri was right, Paul ran straight back to his nest, and his nest keeper is having a freak out. Kind of sings about it. They run around the house a little, wrestle a little, and werewolf Paul runs up the stairs. Nataly shows up soon enough,and finds his nest keeper with candles,praying. No he didn’t think of running away,or calling for help. “Miss Natally, I don’t think you should go up there, something horrible has happened, I was just praying for the police, I think we should call the cops” No, do not call the cops, nest keeping one, for I am the brave woman that can reason with the werewolf,for he is, after all, the love of my life. I have meet him like 2 hours ago,but I have a hunch. She climbs the stairs and Meat Loafs “I would do anything for love” video starts. Oh, the injured beast, broken and scared, oh don’t look at me, I am horrible. No beast I love you. You cant! But I do I don’t care what my father says, I am gonna marry you! She hears the car,and because there are no other cars in this town, she knows its Yuri. The werewolves throws themselves out of the window to escape, as clumsy as it is possible, and off he runs.And they all run. Yuri thinks its SMART to run after a FUCKING WEREWOLF, and Nataly is Nataly. So,right around the corner from where Paul lives, is the desert. Or they have been running for a while. Yuri, people usually run in the opposite direction from the werewolf. And you want to be a pain in the ass, so, this one is going to kill you by scratching your face a few times. Nataly arrives…. And cut to Paul’s home, Nataly is in his room, in the shadows, as he softly approaches. The light sets on her face, and we see that she’s now a werewolf too. They pose for the family portrait. What happened? Did you chose this Nataly, from your heart? I guess you did. Well good luck. I hope you have noticed that the full moon is out every night in this town. Please don’t kill Noel. Make some cute hairy wewewof babies. Be nice.

 

And there you are. I think that this is the worst rated movie on th IMDB and I think its just cruel. There are way worse movies than this one. You have many of them to choose from and read about on this blog. Its idiotic and poorly done. But there are some gems in it, like every cringy scene my personal favorite Nataly is in. Shes dumb, but she is a heroine. She can’t act and that’s why you cant get enough of her. She is also a producer on this one. She gets 10 points from me every time she says “WEWEWOF?” Now that she became one,maybe she will learn to pronounce it. Or not.

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