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Here we have another jewel from Iranian director Amir Shervan (Samurai Cop, Killing American Style). The story about revenge, family strings and cleaning up neighborhood. If you ever had a chance of watching any of abovementioned movies then you’ll know what to expect in this one.

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Young Rebels is about a crime boss Mr. Vincenzo (played by G. Alexander Vidrion), who deals drugs and hates everything and everyone (which is not a surprise at all since he is an old man). His son Joey (played by Robert Z’dar) is one of his enforcers. The Crime boss hates him too. With a reason, since Joey had managed to fuck up drug deal which can be seen in the opening scene. If you pay close attention you’ll notice that one of the goons attending this drug exchange was played by none other than legendary Eric Freeman. Anyway, they wanted to keep both drug and money and now they are left empty-handed. That is why they need a plan B (as in B movies). That’s when we get to the main story. Our hero of the film Charlie (played by John Greene) has a younger brother Ben (whose name is listed wrong on the IMDB and I can’t tell which non-photo, never-acted-again) who borrowed money from the boss and he owes big time. The only way he can get out of debt is if he has Charlie fly a helicopter to Mexico to transport two drug kingpins to the states. Charlie shrugs his shoulders and agrees despite the risk. Meanwhile, Mr Vincenzo solved a problem when his workers went on strike action by killing them all. Simple and efficient!

 

Of course, the deal goes sour with the two kingpins ending up dead. Now the crime syndicate is after the brothers. So Joey and his thugs make an ambush at Charlie’s girlfriend place. Ben rushes is and manages to warn Charlie, but both him and the girl end up dead. Some cowboy style showdown occurs, followed by funk music playing in the background, from which only Joey and few goons manage to come alive, while Charlie ends up hiding and wounded. His friends find him and now they are plotting a revenge against Mr Vincenzo since every single one of them had some quarell with the crime boss.

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And he got shot to his back moments ago

Meanwhile Joey spends some relaxing time with his stripper girlfriend (played by Delia Shepard) when he gets interrupted by one of his goons. His father wants to see him. Apparently they found a lead about Charlie’s whereabouts with a help of crooked Judd (played by Dale Cummings) who is a deputy to senile old Sheriff (played by Aldo Ray). They now bust some Mexican party, trying to extort any info about Charlie but their attack once again got repelled by Charlie, his friend Genza (played by Tadashi Yamashita) and others. So everyone have gone back to doing what they like. Charlie’s girlfriend’s corpse didn’t even gone cold properly and yet he is already onto her sister Liz (played by Christine Lunde). Meh no point living the past, I guess. And Joey went back to his girl so she can finish striptease in peace.

Hello ladies

Hello ladies

But Joey can’t catch a break. Charlie interrupts their little show. Joey then heroically uses his girlfriend as a living shield and manages to escape. Meanwhile Mr Vincenzo once again visits immigrants farm and kills Chico (played by David Kinder), in a chainsaw torture scene which manages to produce very little blood, after refusing to give him info about Charlie. Charlie arrives to the place just in time to be accused of Chico’s murder by crooked Deputy. Again, he manages SOMEHOW to escape and long car chasing scene occurs, in which Charlie managed not only to outsmart police but even to locate Joey after and execute him. It is worth mentioning that like for any other action scene in this movie sudden location changes are characteristic for this scene as well.

A perfect example of knighthood

A perfect example of knighthood

Mad with death of his son Mr Vincenzo goes after Charlie for revenge. Liz joins the fight too. With her help and help of his friends Charlie disposes of goons and crooked cops one by one in several ridicolous action scenes. Eventually, he corners Mr Vincenzo at some house and we get to see some fistfight with more sudden location changes and punches that don’t connect. Now, I have to point out shameless way in which Charlie came victourious out of this duel. Although Mr Vincenzo was kinda 30 years older than Charlie he beated a living crap out of our “hero”. Charlie was forced to reach out for less honorable measures. While Mr Vincenzo wasn’t looking Charlie kicked his butt (literally), pushing him away just enough to have a time to shoot him from his gun (somewhere near the end of that scene the producers suddenly realized they should have added some blood). Meh what can you expect from a man who sleeps with a sister of his girlfriend just couple of days after she was killed? Sheriff arrived just in time to conclude that he has absolutely no idea what is going on here. And that conlcudes this movie too.

Conclusion: First thing wrong about this movie is its title. There are no particularly young people in this movie, nor could they be said to be rebelling against anything. Sidetracked again! I have already mentioned confusing sudden location changes. This isn’t quite all. There’s some of the worst acting I can remember, primarily from Ben but also from Joselito Rescober, who you’ll remember as the ultra-camp waiter from “Samurai Cop”.  There’s the way that punches sound like a bomb going off and are so ludicrous that I can’t even imagine a late 80s no-budget action movie seriously going “yes, this is effect we’re going for”. But the most confusing were cuts from one scene to another with no particular order. Of course, this results in many continuity and plot holes (like the one when Ben’s fiancé turned out to be Charlie’s girlfriend couple of minutes later). Still, just like other Amir’s movies, this one is a hella lot of fun to watch.

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“Do you believe in Dracula Sir?” There is a moment in every persons life,when you sit down,take a deep breath,and retrace your steps. You challenge your decision making. You try to pin-point the moment when things took a certain turn. You know, all the dumb turns you took that led you to the situation you are in. Like watching “Werewolf”. I agreed to watch a movie done by an “Persian Ed Wood” Yes that is me. I am that person. We all make mistakes in this life, that’s how we grow,ok?

The movie opens with some fairly good Indian music. So now we know the background of the story. And now we now that the budget, if there ever was one, was spent on the music. Or they just stole it. Fight for your dreams man.Okay so now we are watching Jurassic park. Wait no, its still “Werewolf”,but we are on this excavation site where they are now about to find an artifact, or a damn werewolf itself.

The Indians are digging, white folks are….supervising and being dicks, like its only appropriate. You know, ”just being white over here”. They find “something”,and what is the smartest thing to do when you find something? Well FIST FIGHT OF COURSE. This movie is sponsored, and brought to you by the word “Smart” The fight is fun to watch because its terrible. My favorite moment is when this Mexican Indian dude is dropped on his ass just to bounce back of it like a ball, back to his feet. |”Boing,I am back bitches,wanna some of this?” Yes we do,kindly proceed. But the fight comes to it untimely stoppage as some folks jump in,including Richar Lynch AKA Noel,who drove casually ,trough the desert, to brake it up, and we now discover that the Indianest looking Indian of the group is bleeding,and its not from the fist of doom,its from a cut. Yes,he cut himself on a werewolf. Werewolf skeleton,to be exact. And its bad.How bad? This bad

Charlie Sheen’s uncle Joe Esteves,(Joel) is one of the Indian workers,and he is freaking out,internally. He looks like a deranged Serbian politician. Its that bad. Its a motherfucking werewolf,and he knows it. But,he isn’t the only one who knows it.We now cut to the some kind of lab,where we have Natalie,(who isn’t aware she is in the movie and hence the acting is required),Noel and Yuri,all surrounding the skeleton.  Its “a skin walker”, “a shape-shifter”, “a lycantroph”… A hombre fucking lomo. Its a werewolf.  Or if you ask Natalie “A werewolf” Yep,that’s it,they know it by just looking at its sharp teethed cow scull and cute little feet.  “A WEWEWOLF?” (Honey,can you learn to pronounce the name of the fucking movie we are filming here?Its literally the name of the movie. And the movie is about the werewolf so if you could just….nah never mind,good enough)  “Fascinating.But Joel was so upset this morning,what do these creatures do?” Nataly honey…Let us take it from the start.ITS A FUCKING WEWEWOF,what do you think they do?  But the good thing is they know when a man is a werewolf, “he sleeps,like coyote,nose to his anus” Menwhile, Joel is getting more and more deranged,he now looks like an electrocuted chicken.)

Now,the boys at least know something. Natalie doesn’t even seem to know what a skeleton is, she is intelligent, and its a good thing she has that going for here, because you know, shes a scientist. “This doesn’t look like any conventional animal I have seen, what do you think it is?” Nataly, honey, ITS A FUCKING WEREWOLF get with the program woman! But then Noel comes up with “With a chance of sounding nuts, I think we have just stumbled on a remains of a lycantroph” A FUCKING WEWEWOF, you just said that, what is wrong with you people? Did they film one version of the sceene, then did another, than couldnt decide wich one they like batter, so they left them both in….oh PERSIAN ED WOOD…riiiiight. “A wewwof?” Yes Natalie,again,yes honey. Now,the Indian is in the hospital,and the doctors are pondering the situation. “I have never seen anything like this,hes face is constantly transforming…you should have some rest Dr,you look exhausted” “Yes,thank you for the advice little nurse,off I go to have some sleep” Looooong gaze at the transforming, air sniffing patient. “Yes,sleep”But at least Yuri dresses as the doctor,and sneaks in to the Indians room. He examines him,takes his blood, he is batter at this fake doctor thing, than the scientist thing. And leaves…presumably to sleep. And the transformation sequence begins.Our patient is screaming his wolf head off,no one hears it, cause its the hospital, not like you would notice a werewolf transformation in the freaking hospital.

The transformation is now complete. He runs down hospital hallways,dressed in hospital gown,here and there wrestling a guard,doing Macarena…doing whatever werewolves do. Natalie’s question now seems legit. “What do they do?” He’s howling like Celine Dion. Hes wearing hospital gown,give him heels,let him live a little. And his outside of the hospital,running loose,raging havoc or something. Joel and the third Indian worker are waiting for him in front of his house,where they expect him to come and sleep “nose to his anus”.They are armed,ready to shoot their friend.All ties are cut when you are a werewolf,man. YOU SLEEP NOSE TO ANUS. And the werewolf approaches, looking like a bear, and hides in the bushes,looking like a rabid chihuahua. Cant settle one one look there, Persian ED?

Now he’s a bear,now he’s a chihuahua , now he’s a bear,now he’s shot. And it’s the new day,and a new sheriff comes to town.Well not a sheriff,a writer. Handsome man named Paul. In a cab ride back to his old home,as he grew up in this town,the driver chats him up. This ain’t the same old town you left son. “Just last night,half man half animal got shot. Do you believe in Dracula Sir?” What does Dracula have to do with this? Leave him out! He is in fucking Transylvania being awesome. This is your “America’s got talent” wewewof. As Paul gets home, he is greeted by his housekeeper.

I want bearded shoot gun wielding houskeeper. He sings too. We cut to the party, Nataly is there, with Noel. Paul is there, looking like a Dracula,with his date-not-date,who’s acting skills are amusingly worse than Natalie’s. Paul and his date-not date get in a fight and “Good,you can walk home” thing happens. She walks away-to drive away, and he’s a free agent. It all happens just in time for him to rescue Natalie from drunk Yuri. Yuri might “have no class” but he has sass, and the idea of pouring some white powered shit (werewolf bones or?) in to museums night keepers glass. TO TRANSFORM HIM. Success! Something weird is happening, thinks the night keeper, maybe I should drive! Transformation happens in the car. Now we have a werewolf displaying another of many werewolfy talents as he is FUCKING DRIVING.  Yuri is following him. But then, the werewolf is like,yo, werewolves cant drive, throws his paws in the air (like he just don’ care) and BOOM, crashes. What was the point of this again, Yuri?

Back at the party, our Nataly is like “Yo, Paul,you saved my ass (from being grabbed) now let me show you the biggest discovery on this earth. Good thing that we know each other for like two minutes.” He tells her that he is a freelancer, that he has connections, that he can get the story out. Not sure that’s what you want Natalie. Wanna wait a little? No? Oh well. I love how the museum scenes are so loud, roars, screeches, some bone instruments playing ,hisses…and also, they play a sample of Tiranosaurus rex roar from the final T-rex scene in Jurassic park. Some museum this is! Yuri’s going around,casually touching stuff. When it comes to the werewolf bones, hes “Impressed, never seen anything like this” Well dude,I would be surprised if you have, ITS A FUCKING WEREWOLF. But then drunk jealous Yuri walks in and he is pissed. Let’s sort this out like gentleman,fighting using priceless werewolf scul yaaaas. Boom, Pol is hit with the said scull, bleeding like he was hit with a fucking sword. The injured one in this duel, Pol goes home where he proceeds to transform-not transform-transform. You have to give it to the actor,he really got in to it.

 

So in the middle of his transfrom-not transform-transformation, Natalie shows up and he’s like, yup im fine,whass up? He is sorry for the damage to the bones, but Nataly is all like “Heeey,no biggie,its just wewewof bones, its not like we can’t fix them,or get ten other sets. Lets have sex!” Someone else wants to have sex, young couple in the jeep, but sometimes,a  werewolf interrupts you. Crawling one. The one that is suppose to be in the bed with Natalie.The girl starts screaming, jumps out of the car and runs, the guy..well,w ho cares right? Wewewof and the girl then fight in this shallow pond, for like ten hours,no one knows what this wewewof wants really. And then,we cut to him in bed, in pajamas, rolling around. Where is Nataly? When did you put your pajamas on? What are you doing? Are you okay? The girl he came to the party with,chooses to appear. There’s a scary shadow…claws….walk towards the shadow honey. Because ,word from our sponsors is SMART. They run around a little,she falls down the stairs to her safety and runs out of the house, never to call the cops or zoo,or marines. And boom its the next day and Paul is..a little worried. He calls Nataly to is aid because she’s SMART. “Come on Nataly what are you holding back?” Oh nothing Paul,its just that the inidan had turned in to beast and his friends had to shoot him,and now he is in the hospital, you can send him “feel batter” card huh? “Oh,I am sorry I got you in to this mess Paul. I am concerned about your well being” Nataly, you are too sweet.

Now, they go out to the bar, where Nataly is set to prove that she is batter at playing pool then scientist. Guess who shows up to play, its their best friend Yuri. Now its the right time for Paul to sit in the corner, and quietly.  transform,as Nataly has a partner for the next game. A guy walked straight outta Terminator 2 bikers set, and straight in to this scene, and why not, Nataly plays with him to. Paul is like, never mind me, ill just keep transforming. Good thing no one in this crowded place is noticing. They must have some weird drunks.To be honest, he does remind me of people after drinking more rakia than they should. He decides to take the rest of the transformation to the bathroom and Yuri decides its the time to take a piss, so heeey they meet.Yuri has the mix of feelings about this,because yeeey he has found himself a werewolf, but then, he is in tight confined space with one.They never bother to tell us why Yuri wants himself a pet werewolf, he just does. He decides to run, Paul gives him a head start as he is regaining his werewolf composure, and the chase ensues. Werewolf Paul takes his time to knock out few guys on his way, to kung-fu fight another guy, to jump on cars,…Meanwhile we get a little insight in Yuri’s thinking. It seems like he expects some kind of reward for bringing live werewolf. And he, being the expert, thinks Paul went back to his “nest”. Werewolves live in nests? “Now we must get back to him before the day break”Yes, why wait until he is back to his human form, lets hunt him now when he can kill us…or punch us with a few overhands. Nataly is still worried for Pauls “well being”. She cares not for any reward! “You and Noel are in it for fortune and fame? Well OVER MY DEAD BODY!” Oh Paul I am coming to save you.

And would you look at that,Yuri was right, Paul ran straight back to his nest, and his nest keeper is having a freak out. Kind of sings about it. They run around the house a little, wrestle a little, and werewolf Paul runs up the stairs. Nataly shows up soon enough,and finds his nest keeper with candles,praying. No he didn’t think of running away,or calling for help. “Miss Natally, I don’t think you should go up there, something horrible has happened, I was just praying for the police, I think we should call the cops” No, do not call the cops, nest keeping one, for I am the brave woman that can reason with the werewolf,for he is, after all, the love of my life. I have meet him like 2 hours ago,but I have a hunch. She climbs the stairs and Meat Loafs “I would do anything for love” video starts. Oh, the injured beast, broken and scared, oh don’t look at me, I am horrible. No beast I love you. You cant! But I do I don’t care what my father says, I am gonna marry you! She hears the car,and because there are no other cars in this town, she knows its Yuri. The werewolves throws themselves out of the window to escape, as clumsy as it is possible, and off he runs.And they all run. Yuri thinks its SMART to run after a FUCKING WEREWOLF, and Nataly is Nataly. So,right around the corner from where Paul lives, is the desert. Or they have been running for a while. Yuri, people usually run in the opposite direction from the werewolf. And you want to be a pain in the ass, so, this one is going to kill you by scratching your face a few times. Nataly arrives…. And cut to Paul’s home, Nataly is in his room, in the shadows, as he softly approaches. The light sets on her face, and we see that she’s now a werewolf too. They pose for the family portrait. What happened? Did you chose this Nataly, from your heart? I guess you did. Well good luck. I hope you have noticed that the full moon is out every night in this town. Please don’t kill Noel. Make some cute hairy wewewof babies. Be nice.

 

And there you are. I think that this is the worst rated movie on th IMDB and I think its just cruel. There are way worse movies than this one. You have many of them to choose from and read about on this blog. Its idiotic and poorly done. But there are some gems in it, like every cringy scene my personal favorite Nataly is in. Shes dumb, but she is a heroine. She can’t act and that’s why you cant get enough of her. She is also a producer on this one. She gets 10 points from me every time she says “WEWEWOF?” Now that she became one,maybe she will learn to pronounce it. Or not.

This film is many in a line of trash horror films. When I first read the synopsis I laughed, six teenagers going on their summer vacation. Cliche? If you are a fan of rubbish horror films then you’ll love this. so, after watching this, In my perfect world, the name Buddy Cooper would be mentioned in the same breath as other ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ geniuses like Ed Wood and Herschell Gordon Lewis. And here is why:

Like many slashers, The Mutilator begins with a fever-dreamy prologue that finds an idyllic family scene: little Ed Jr.(played by director’s son Trace Cooper) has just polished off his father’s gun collection while his mother prepares a cake for the patriarch’s birthday. When Junior gets a curious with one of the shotguns, he ends up accidentally blowing his mom away, much to his father’s dismay. Not wanting to ruin birthday celebration Ed Sr. (played by Jack Chatham) sits down next to his dead wife and has a drink with her while looking at birthday message written by his son.

Birthday and funeral at same expense

Cut takes us some 10 years forward where now older Ed Jr. (played by Matt Mitler) is discussing with his college friends what to do during fall break. Seems that they have nothing in plan when suddenly Ed receives a call from his father. Ed Sr. wants him to close up their beach condo because of incoming winter.At first, Ed Jr. didn’t want to do that since his father treated him like retard for his whole life. Hm I wonder why? The only wrong thing he did is managing to shoot his own mother from a shotgun which had safety on. So what? Big deal! Anyway, friends saw an opportunity for having a wild 4-days beach party so they convinced Ed to take them with him. So they set on the road and opening credits appear followed by some cheesy cheerful ’80s song.

Fail break

When they finally arrived to the house they found a real mess. At first they thought that someone had broken in but Ed dismissed that with explanation that his dad sometimes comes there with his drinking buddies. House itself is full of junk – beer bottles, Ed Sr.’s hunting trophies (he hunted everything but people), knives, spears, hooks and even a mask of Mayan god Chaac (I checked it, it really exists but I still find that name funny). And a picture of dead guy Ed Sr. ran over with his boat. Why would anyone keep a picture from a accident scene of guy he accidentally killed is beyond me. Anyway, little do they know that someone is hiding in their garage. And that someone is none other than Ed Sr. who keeps dreaming about killing his own son in various ways. But first he needs to take care of his friends. So, the following night he decides to take an action. First he kills Linda (played by Frances Raines) and then,
using her underwear as a bait, he lured Mike (played by Morey Lampley) into his hideout where killer slashed him with motorboat. Mike is one real horny dumb moron.

She surely can’t sink with these balloons

The rest of the crew started searching for Mike and Linda on the beach but they got afraid of possibility of lighting striking them down (no, seriously) so they returned back to the condo to play Monopoly. Real party indeed. Meanwhile, Ed Sr. just seems to be warming up. Some cop (played by Ben Moore) came to the beach to check out things and Ed Sr. first impaled his face with lever and then decapitated him with an axe. The whole scene looked like head was made of plaster cast and the killer only needed to push it off the body. See for yourself:

 

The gang decided that Monopoly was too boring (oh tell me about that) so they decided to play another game. Rules are simple: Who gets to be “it” gets to stay in the house with the lights turned off while all other are drinking beer outside. That person needs to hide him or herself. Then the crew from the outside start searching for hidden person. Whoever finds gets to lay down next to the person who had been hiding. Procedure is repeated until only one person remains lurking outside around the house. Seems to me like a perfect game to get you killed. This whole thing is just Ed’s “master” plan to score Pam (played by Ruth Martinez) who is apparently still a virgin and constantly rejects young Ed’s attempts to deflower her. Anyway, poor Ralph (played by Bill Hitchcock), who is main clown in the group, was the first victim of this game. Ed Sr. impaled him with pitchforks and stuck him to the doors. Ha try to make a fun out of this one, smartass!

 

Ralph’s girlfriend Sue (played by Connie Rogers) went panicking so all remaining 3 of them started a search for him. Ed was so thrilled when he found piece of female underwear that he woke up the killer from his slumber. Poor man couldn’t even get a rest after so much hard work at killing department. And as it always happens in such cheesy slashers searching party got split up. Ed Sr. took this opportunity to kidnap Sue, take her to the garage, fish her pussy with the huge fishing hook and then finish her off with an axe. Wow what a overkill.

 

Ed Jr. and Pam eventually find bodies in garage where they confront the killer. Wussy Ed Jr. was so freaked out that Pam had to rescue him instead of vice versa. She stabs his father with a pocket knife and transports Ed Jr. to the cars. Of course, his father just rises from the dead and attacks them. During the struggle he clings onto the rear of the car so Pam takes the opportunity to drive into the wall and cuts him in half. Funny thing is that only in that moment Ed Jr. realized who the murderer is, as he proclaimed with the crying voice “It’s my daddy”. But even being cut in half couldn’t stop Ed Sr. from making another mess. While his upper half was laying on the ground, some cop approached him and Ed Sr. used his remaining strength to cut off cop’s leg with an axe and then die with sinister laughter on his face. I really don’t see how it is possible that half of body possesses such strength to cut off someone’s leg using only one arm. But hey, this is ’80s slasher. As for his son and Pam they ended up in the hospital. It remains unclear if Ed Jr. managed to score her eventually.

 

Conclusion: Buddy Cooper’s “The Mutilator” is just another almost decent slasher film. Of course the acting is completely awful and the film is extremely predictable and  unoriginal, but the gore effects made by Mark Shostrom are excellent. There is a bloody decapitation, a pretty good pitch forking and death by motorboat. Acting is so bad it’s good. The characters begin to get on your nerves eventually with their pole up their backside style acting, and you begin to wish for them to get killed. Which eventually happens. I think what makes this one stand out from other slashers is how little it stands out from other slashers. It sticks to the very basics of the formula without much imagination or surprises. The tweaks that it does have are noticeable but so simple that I’m not sure if it’s lazy or brilliantly subtle. But I am a negative individual so I am going to lean toward the first one.

And for all of you who enjoy cheesy ’80s soundtrack here is a treat for you:

 

 

The 1990s were not a good time for horror, especially considering the amount of classics that the 1980s produced, but that’s not to say that there were not any that stood out from the 90s. That 10 year period is really defined by two films: The Blair Witch Project and Scream. Sticking with the 1980’s whodunit  slasher formula is Zipperface, a gem that comes to us from 1992. Zipperface is something else, and I don’t mean that in a good way. What a pleasant surprise this was for all weirdos over there.

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Director Mansour Pourmand had obviously decided to start this movie with action packing. Not even opening credits. We see police pursuit dangerous criminal in Palm City, California. They pin him down to some house. More shooting occurs. Eventually, seeing there is no way out this, criminal decides to surrender. Just while he was standing in front of the house, preparing to raise his arms, a young and brave cop Lisa (played by Dona Adams) shoots the poor guy from behind his back. And she even gets promotion for this! Hell, give her Medal of Honor for such heroic act, I say! And while Lisa walks on rose petals somewhere a man in a leather S&M outfit is preparing for action! Not that kind of action! Behold!

zipperface

Well, it delivers what it promises

Two actresses who are working as whores (is there any difference) by night are visiting a mysterious client who likes to play master and slaves. They are introducing a new girl Janet (played by Kimberly Hamilton – Mansfield) to the routine. But in the last moment Janet decides to back off. Apparently she doesn’t like to be tied and whipped. You have already guessed that client is none else than a Zipperface (who is equally as mysterious). He gets pissed off and kills Janet with his whip. Being completely incompetent he lets other two dumb whores Natallie (played by Jillian Ross) and Sherry (played by Rikki Brando) escape him. Natalie hides at her friend Elizabeth (played by Laureen E. Clair), who is also a whore. Nice whores ring we got here. Anyway, police finds the body and case is handed over to Lisa (for whatever the reason it is). She is paired up with experience cop Harry (played by David Clover). Following the trail they visit photographer Michael Walker (played by Jonathan Mandell) who shoots all the types of S&M photos. Despite obviously being shaken by crime scene photos he somehow managed to hide his connection with the victim from two unsuspecting detectives. Then he starts hitting on Lisa and trying to talk her into taking one of his photo-sessions. Smooth move from possible suspect.

A job is a job

A job is a job

Natalie and Elizabeth are back to business. They are so dumb that they accepted bondage session after everything that has happened. Logically, Zipperface shows up and finishes the job. No luck for Natalie now. This has really disturbed office of the Mayor Angela Harris (played by Trisha Melynkov) who is, naturally, much more worried for her position at City Hall than for lives of some prostitutes. With her two lackeys Devon (played by Timothi D. Lechner) and Brewster (played by Bruce Brown) Angela wants to cover up these murders as much as possible. Meanwhile, Lisa is having photo-session at Michael’s studio followed by making out.

Off the record

Off the record

While searching Natalie’s apartment Lisa and Harry find out about Sherry. Trail leads them to the local church. What is interesting here is that church is full of hookers. Strangely looking reverend over there doesn’t seem to mind it at all. He calls them “foot soldiers”. As in footjob maybe? Anyway, he is acting very strange, almost as if he is hiding something. On his way back to the police station Harry meets Willy (played by Richard Vidan) who is mad and bitter because Lisa got promotion he thinks he had deserved. Hm maybe he is trying to set her up to look incompetent? There is sure a lot of pressure coming from City Hall. And they are all perverts there. Brewster is giving a foot massage to Angela, while Devon carries leather mask in his suitcase. Meanwhile, killer is still somewhere there, lurking and preparing for his next move. Obviously he has good insight into investigation since his next victim is the only remaining girl – Sherry. He killed her during rehearsal for some sexual kind of theater show, after knocking out her partner Alvin (played by Mike Ferraro).  When questioned by Harry and Lisa, Alvin stated that the killer is very tall, something like Devon. Devon didn’t like this comparing at all. I wonder why? Oh yeah, and later we find out that he likes to dress himself as a hooker.

 

Angela really wants to find a suspect who can be shown to public. So she pressures police to accuse Michael. They find out that Michael was engaged to Janet, the first victim. Finding about this and being faced to accusations of hiding the suspect, Lisa freaks out at Michael. He admits her everything and told her that he was hiding his past because of fear of losing her. Of course, she believed him. Not much use of it tho since Angela announced on TV that Michael is top suspect. As it happens, Lisa and Michael decide to conduct their own investigation so they visit the church once again. But Zipperface is way ahead of them. They find reverend dead in his chair, with his throat slit from ear to ear (not much use of prayers now… or before). Also, there is another prostitute there Lana (played by Denise Ezzel) who was supposed to meet certain John that night. Lisa decides to dress as hooker and go like that to the meeting place. Turned out to be an awful plan since she got captured, tied up and whipped by Zipperface.

Your leather smells so good

Your leather smells so good

Harry and Michael bust in and started a fight with Zipperface. During that fight poor killer got punched to his balls kinda 20 times. Being so much crippled (I know I would be) he was no much for Michael’s attack with machete. They had finally managed to unmask him. Guess who is the killer? Brewster, the Mayor’s lackey! What a twist! He offers a lousy explanation for his crimes. Apparently, he grew tired of being a doormat to ambitious bitch such is Angela so he decided to pursue his dream of being politician. I have to admit that killing people is an effective way to achieve this. Anyway, Angela arrives just in time to see her errand boy exposed. She freaks out at him, again not because of murders but because she is aware that her political career is over now. So she pulls a gun out of her purse and shoots Brewster in front of 20 cops. And no one even tried to stop her. Angela gets arrested, Michael gets off the hook(er), Lisa now continue screwing him, everybody is happy and the end.

 

Conclusion: If anything, Zipperface effortlessly sums up all that went wrong with the slasher genre towards the end of its rein. What started as a great stepping-stone for up and coming filmmakers and thespians had been reduced to a sewer of cinema faces by movies with flat direction, zero suspense or shocks and talentless mediocre actors. One of the biggest problems that I had with the film was the title character. He isn’t remotely scary or intimidating and is just sort of useless when it comes to being a horror film villain. He’s a portly, partially clumsy type of guy and he is nowhere in the same class as horror icons such as Jason, Freddy, Michael, or Leatherface (no matter how hard he tries to be). Same thing can be told for Dona Adams and her roll of detective. Writing was pretty bad too. And to make things more confusing it had be done by a woman – Barbara Bishop! Sounds like someone had hidden fantasies. Zipperface was just as bad as I thought it would be. It doesn’t really have that many (if any) redeeming qualities about it On the plus side, if you manage to keep the TV turned on until the end then you may be fairly surprised by the killer’s identity. To be honest though, I doubt that by that time you’ll even care.

It is holiday season and what could be better way to celebrate it than with bloodshed? New Year is just around the corner which means many of seasonal killers are waking up from their hibernation, hungry for blood and vengeance for any demented reason they might have. And who knows, maybe this night you are going to be lucky enough to be picked for dying in the most brutal ways your twisted mind can imagine.

new-year

This MGM/Cannon offspring starts with phone talk between two friends, Diane (played by Roz Kelly) and Yvonne (played by Alicia Dhanifu). Naturally, when two women are yacking on the phone, you can’t expect any constructive conversation. And as usual, they are badmouthing Diane’s husband Richard. To be honest, Yvonne tipped him off to his wife as she had seen him wasted in Palm Springs (I really can’t blame him considering how boring is his wife). Well that was her last gossip since couple of moments later, after hanging up the phone, she ended up brutally slaughtered. Serves her right for getting involved in men’s business she doesn’t understand.

put-a-sock-in-it-or-knifePut a sock in it…or knife!

Diane is punk rock star known as Blaze and New Year’s countdown starts with her hosting Hollywood Countdown show. she seems far too old and unattractive to be hosting this kind of show and given the way she dresses and acts she seem more like she would be more at home hosting games of bingo than a music show that seems to aimed at the punk rocker set. Also she has grown son Derek (played by Grant Cramer) who practically begs for her attention. Anyway, viewers can call her live and vote for the best song.  All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from an odd sounding stranger claiming his name is Evil, who announces on live television that he going to kill someone close to her at midnight. I guess he doesn’t like songs which are presented on voting list. And he is obviously a man of his word since he butchered a nurse while having sex with her (win-win situation). He calls back Diane to inform her about keeping her promise right on Eastern Central Time and announces  when the clock strikes twelve in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be punished ,then the killer signs off with a threat claiming that Diane will be the last Naughty Girl to be punished. Cops informed Diane about both nurse and Yvonne and now she is scared for her life.

hot-lineHomicide hot line

While his mother is going through a living hell Derek cuts her red stockings and puts it over his face while watching her show. I don’t see the point of this scene since we know that Derek is not the killer. Face of Evil had been shown to us in previous scenes but there are some similarities between him and Derek. Maybe the director Emmett Alston wanted to give us false lead. If that is the case he shouldn’t have shown us the real killer before it. Or maybe it is not false lead after all? Anyway, our real killer turns out to be master in disguise. He puts false mustaches on his face (and that’s all, he didn’t even change the haircut or color of the hair) and goes to some club where he picks some bimbo with promise he is going to take her to wild New Year party. His plan went
wrong when she suddenly took her roommate Lisa with herself. Needing a time to improvise Evil cruised through streets while bimbo was dribbling into his ear about  self-help meditations she has been practicing. In that moment even I felt the urge to strangle her with my bare hands. Evil had done the next best thing. He pulled over his car, sent Lisa to buy Champagne and killed bimbo by putting a plastic bag over her head. And then sliced her throat (better safe than sorry). But that was not the end of it. There is still nosy roommate needed to be disposed off. So Evil creates a trail of shoes which leads to nearby secluded dumpster. Of course, Lisa follows the trail and when she approached – big surprise peek a boo, I see you!

 

As it is his habit Evil ran over to the nearest phone booth to inform Diane about his most recent achievement. Lt. Clayton (played by Chris Wallace) now can only wait for new victims hoping for killer to make a wrong move. He also follows the schedule and announces that Evil will strike again at 11 pm. And boy, was he right. Now disguised as a priest, Evil went to the local drive in theater where he unexpectedly killed some unsuspecting biker who got in his way. Beware of hand of God for it shall slice you! But the biker was not alone. Soon motorcycle band stormed in the theater which made Evil started to panic. So he quickly hijacked the car of some teenage couple who were having fun on the backseat. It seemed that the poor girl was done for especially since her
boyfriend was chucked out of the car back in theater. But she was lucky enough to take opportunity to escape when Evil went outside to have a fight with two drunken idiots he almost had run over. Boy, was his face red! Oh, Oh and the movie that was giving in drive in cinema was 1963. horror classic “Blood Feast”. See the link?

60s-slashers-are-the-best-turn-on’60s slashers are the best turn on

Evil manages to sneak into Diane’s show by killing a police officer and taking his uniform. There we find out his true identity. It is Diane’s husband – Richard (played by Kip Niven). He got Diane right where he wanted her to be – in stuck elevator (which he had previously sabotaged; no porn pun intended). He explains to her that he knows about her cheating around. Derek has told him all about that. Derek also said that his mother tried to seduce him and cut his and his father’s allowance (?) So Richard got fed up of her and Yvonne. And the reason why he killed other women is that they are all the same manipulative, selfish, materialistic whores. Hm can’t argue with that. He left Diane hanging by elevator while police cornered him in good old-fashion rooftop chase. There he decides to end his life the only way appropriate for cheesy 80s slashers – ridiculous falling off the building while wearing some kind of comedian mask. And Diane somehow managed to survive. Looks like happy ending. Or is it? You see, Derek took his father’s mask, sneaked in ambulance van his mother was in, took out paramedics leaving him alone with his mother. The end?

 

Conclusion: Overall this one doesn’t have all that much going for it. One of the many problems here is the fact that this one comes off as a bland, boring thriller which just takes so much out of the film. Premise doesn’t really hold up that much. By using a series of utterly obnoxious story lines is where that tends to fall as the different story lines really don’t make any sense. The fact that the premise isn’t really all that spectacular enough is the prime motivator here which requires a lot of excess scenes along the way to hold itself up, some of which is found by it being dragged out indefinitely with a series of endless and utterly innocuous songs of local bands that really aren’t that great.  Kip Niven thinks he’s doing this big theatrical part, but he’s too nerdy to pull it off. His body is tiny, and teeny and yet he can kill women larger than he is. He happens to be in the area where his target victims are and it gets worse: according to the movie, he didn’t plan this. New Year’s Evil ends up being one of the most lifeless, dull films that the Cannon Group ever produced. Watch it at your own risk. The fact that you’re immune to higher-quality mediocre movies just means that you have a higher tolerance for bad movies now. Thank God a sequel wasn’t made.

Director Ed Hunt had had nice idea here. He had tried to explore (and exploit for that matter) one of the deepest fears of human kind – children. He probably knew that deep in our conscience we are terrified by even a slight possibility of something so pure and innocent can be evil. Unfortunately for him, at the end it was only idea with poor realization.

pomracenje

The beginning of this movie takes us back to June 9, 1970. Location: Maternity Ward in Meadowvale, California. We see an old doctor (played by Jose Ferrer) preparing to deliver babies of 3 women. He seems happy to do it despite the fact he is going to miss solar eclipse which started happening right in that moment. During that eclipse 3 babies were born; two boys and one girl. After that, fast forward to June 1, 1980. Two young people are expressing their love on the local cemetery. As a highlight of this romantic act guy takes the girl into open  grave where he intends to bone her. No such luck since he took 2 hits to his noodle with shovel when he stood up to check up some noise he was hearing. Girl wasn’t spared either as she ended up strangled with something that looks like a shoelace to me (though in the later scene Sherriff claimed it was a skipping rope). Guy went back on his feet and tried to save her but BAM… another hit of shovel finished him off. At least they died hugging each other and buried together. What will the real owner of the grave say when he finds intruders at his resting place?

 

Later that night the 10 years old boy Timmy (played by K.C. Martel) sneaks into his house through the window. His sister Joyce (played by Lori Lethin) notices him but she didn’t find anything suspicions about that or his excuse of going out to feed a dog. No surprise there though, since she is into some astrological mumbo jumbo. Anyway, the next day Sherriff came by to school asking questions about last night murder. Why did him come to interrogate a bunch of 10 years old kids about some gruesome murder is beyond my reach. Oh yes, he found the part of a skipping rope. Yup it makes sense, when you think about it. That item surely couldn’t have gotten there earlier than previous night. 3 of them in the class seemed to knew something about that. The very same 3 who asked the teacher if their entire class could be excused from homework since they are having birthdays next week. The teacher cooled off them with words “Just because you are all having the same birthday doesn’t mean you are special”. No argue with that. Kids took it seemingly pretty well and went home. There, the girl Debbie (played by Elizabeth Hoy) shows an outstanding talent for pimping since she charges a quarter to Steven (played by Andrew Freeman) and Curtis (played by Billy Jayne, who you might be remembering from “Charmed” TV series) for watching her slutty sister Beverly (played by Julie Brown) through a peephole while changing her clothes. This scene sends loud and clear message that even women are encouraging pimping and prostitution overall (which is not shocking at all when you think about it).

GolotinjaPeep hole is for peeping

Any suspense about who is killer (if there were any) was cleared out 20 minutes after movie started when Debbie and her companions killed Debbie’s father Sherriff James (played by Bert Kramer) with a baseball bat in broad daylight in front of his very own house! No time like a present, I would say. Explanation was that he died by walking onto skateboard on stairs. Why no one tried to explain bruises from baseball bat? Also, that is a moment when every logic of film-making went downhill and over the cliff, falling into humiliating death. The following scene proves my words because it shows James’ funeral which took place the very same day when he was murdered. If you look closer, you can spot young Michael Dudikoff among mourners who plays Beverly’s boyfriend Willard.

Spot a ninjaSpot a ninja

Timmy saw them standing around Sherriff’s corpse which makes him the next target. Under the excuse of play-date (man this word sounds so pathetic). Curtis lures Timmy into the junkyard where he locks him up inside old fridge. After a bit of struggling Timmy manages to escape such death box (or cold grave if you will have it). He runs home and tells everything to Joyce but she wouldn’t believe him (well duh), including his confession about peeping through peephole at Debbie’s home the night of the murder. Meanwhile, Debbie and her gang are making a scrapbook of death. Another entry is going to be made. Yup, they are planning to kill their teacher Miss Davis (played by Susan Strasberg). So they steal late Sherriff’s revolver later that night. The very day next Curtis walks into teacher’s house and shoots her in cold blood. Of course, this happens in the middle of the day as well. I guess classmate are going to be excused from homework after all and none is wiser. Well, almost none. Joyce, who is teacher’s assistant, finds her dead and runs away to her home. There she finds a note from Timmy stuck onto front door in which he states that he went playing at the junkyard. But he promised he wouldn’t go there anymore! At this point it is clear even to the dumbest among you dear readers of this review that this was just a set up. And you are right! The moment Joyce had arrived at the junkyard, Steven and Curtis (dressed as a members of Ku Klux Klan for some reason) started chasing her in some old car in attempt to run over her dumb ass. As it always happens, Joyce manages to save herself by climbing onto big pile of junk, leaving two boys to crash into it. Police came up quickly but Steven and Curtis had already escaped. So still no one suspects them.

 

Seems that explanation for their evil behavior lies in astrology. Joyce explained to Timmy that because they were born during the eclipse they lack conscience. How’s that, you might ask? Simple. Saturn was blocked during the eclipse and, like we all know, Saturn controls emotions. It is a scientific fact. It’s not the children to blame for. It is those damn planets moving around in their stupid orbits. As confirmation of Joyce’s words, Curtis shoots another young couple who were trying to have sex at the back of their van. In front of his house! Fit penalty for public display. Of course, no one has been woke up by gunshots from this mighty revolver so another funeral takes the place. They sure like funerals.

No public sex, kids might be watchingNo public sex, kids might be watching

It is a party time! All 3 of them are celebrating their birthdays together. One of the guests was a bit shaken by recent deaths but otherwise it is very cheerful there. Cakes are ready, looking delicious…But with one secret ingredient! Ant poison! Or it would have been if Joyce haven’t had bumped onto Curtis while he was trying to spice up the cake. She made a scene, but no one would believe her. She better have kept her mouth shut. She stopped mass poisoning. Let’s all bid Joyce a warm welcome to the hit list. But first things first. Beverly had found Debbie’s scrapbook of death. Instead to take that evidence to the police (though she did show it to her mother, who just ignored it), or at least become a bit worried about her little sister’s mental health, dumb slut burned the only evidence in fireplace. Well, not the only one. Beverly is now the only one who can link them to murders. Of course, Debbie wouldn’t miss the opportunity to remove this threat so she took care of her older sister by using a bow and arrow through peephole. Though, after this move, the only thing Debbie can do is to hang “Out of business” sign.

 

Now the mystery starts to unfold. Picture of Joyce is the first entry in new scrapbook of death thus making her to be officially on the blacklist. All cards are on the table. Debbie, Steven and Curtis are openly trying to kill Joyce and Timmy wherever and whenever they can. After some chasing and gunning scenes, Steven is subdued when a bowl of water is thrown in his face, while Curtis simply runs out of bullets and gets beaten up. Only Debbie uses her brain to escape , and her mother (head still firmly inserted into her own backside) sneaks her away and flees town with her. The movie’s ending reveals that mom and daughter remain at large under different identity and that Debbie has claimed another victim, thus setting the stage for a sequel, which fortunately never
happened.

Conclusion: As I have it understood, message of this movie is following: Anyone, who has been born the same day as anyone else, is evil. And that’s not the biggest problem here. Bigger problems are executioners, who are undoubtedly the least imposing genre villains ever presented. One them possess the inhuman ability to fire a handgun that weights as much as he does. The clumsy staging of the murders is signaled from the opening scene (graveyard lovers), and blatantly lifted music from “Friday the 13th” just adds it’s contribution to negative score, save for the few sequences of nudity. Also, if you are going to put “Blood” in the title, you should probably put some in the movie too. Only a single arrow to the eye gag even registers a blip on the gore meter. Still, I find this atrocious movie worth watching because, deep inside me, I am just one bloodthirsty kid as well.

This movie is a heavy crap, there is no doubt about that. But, thanks to couple of redeeming values and elements, it is a watchable crap. Sure, it doesn’t qualifies as “so bad it’s good’ flick and most of the time it isn’t even enjoyable, but still… Plot is bizarre and unusual, and that’s one of the things which are making this movie fun to watch.

Elves

As introduction into story we see 3 girls performing some kind of blood sisters ceremony in the forest. They also mention their idol anti-Christmas virgin, whatever it may be. One of them gets cut on her hand and the ceremony is interrupted. Or so it may seem. Blood has been spilled and something started emerging from the smoking ground. But our girls have already left the scene so they didn’t see what king of mess they have made. One of them, Kirsten (played by Julie Austin) went straight home just to get slapped by her German grandfather (played by Borah Silver) in wheelchairs for taking his book and going into forest. He is worried, which means he knows something. But what?

It's aliveIt’s alive!

Kirsten’s entire family seems a bit of the edge, with her psychotic young mother (played by Deanna Lund) who drowns cats in toilet seat, and her kid brother who enjoys watching his sister taking a shower and then talking about her big tits (which are not that big at all). It is not much better situation at her workplace either. She tried to release a pressure while sitting in the knee of mall Santa but that old scum not only refused to give Kirsten a present but he demanded oral as well in front of everybody (I guess Santa has his own wishes just like everyone else). Of course, the only oral he has gotten is oral sacking from his boss. Feeling rejected, perverted Santa goes to the locker room in order to sniff some cocaine. With such behavior he crossed the line (hehe cocaine – line, get it?) and ended up butchered by someone. Or something!

Children, there won't be any Christmas this yearChildren, there won’t be any Christmas this year

While police, like a bunch of morons they are, are probably suspecting some unsatisfied kid to be the killer, a new face shows up. His name is Mike McGavin (played by Dan Haggerty) and he is washed up deadbeat ex-detective. He came to the mall in search for a job. Could he crack the case? Being not discouraged by fate of the previous Santa (or out of despair) he gladly accepts job offer for a place of the new mall Santa. All hail! Santa can’t die. Only people who play him can. Anyway, chain smoking Mike finds a strange symbol on the murder scene which awakes detective in him. Tho he seems conflicted about that while saying “I am not a detective. I am Santa”. But despite everything he decides to investigate it further. Later that night, Kirsten sneaked into the mall with
her slutty friends so they could try out lingerie in peace. Mike, who now lives in the murder scene after being evicted from camp trailer (man that’s one solid rock bottom) catches them red-handed. But that’s not all the trouble they faced. While they were negotiating (Mike sneaked in there as well) a couple of guys who look like time traveling agents of Gestapo assaulted them with no explanation. And to make things worse the Elf (which more looks like a ghoul apart of pointy ears) has decided to crash into this late night party. Complete chaos emerges where no one knows who is chasing who to kill. Result: slutty friends are mutilated, while Gestapo, Kirsten and Mike managed to escape.

Outfit fit for a bimboOutfit fit for a bimbo

After visiting Kirsten’s home and seeing the same strange symbol under the Christmas Tree, Mike decides to investigate deeper the meaning of that symbol. So he visits Dr. Fitzgerald, a mad scientist, who starts babbling about elves being a fallen angels who tempered with women and stated that Nazis are just a bunch of crackpots. He sends Mike to Professor O’Conner who can give him more information about the subjects. Then Mike storms into professors’ house right in the middle of family diner. There professor explains him that there are two schools of thought about elves. Both theories sound out of this world and both of them include Nazis. Bottom line of this is that an elf is going to mate with perfect human virgin on a Christmas Eve thus creating a master race that will rule the world. Anyway, I am not going to write down entire explanation since I am feeling last traces of my sanity are dripping away just when thinking about it. If you are interested in detailed theory check out video below:

Meanwhile, Kirsten and her mother are having an argue back at home. Kirsten wanted to know why her mother is resenting everyone, especially her. After throwing a death of her into her mother’s face Kirsten learns about that her grandfather is also her father! Now how about that for a twist? Kirsten storms out to the study where she confronts her (grand)father. He admits that he had done that in order to control inbreeding so they could make the perfect genetic line (the origin of her little brother remains unknown to us). One thing is still not clear to me: How the hell did they manage to preserve an unconventionally handsome girl to stay a virgin for almost 20 years? Sounds as much possible as an existence of elves.

As for Kirsten’s mother, after taking the burden off her chests, she decides to have one nice relaxing bath. Just in the moment when she started forgetting about her problems (yeah, inbreed is a trivial matter) the elf shows up and fries her by throwing a radio into the bathtub. Now I am not sure that this is possible at all, and even if it were, then who the fuck would place a radio right above the bathtub where it can easily trip over and kill you? What about if the earthquake occurs? Had she been thinking about the earthquake?

Mike is back and he has brought some Nazis with him as well. Remember Gestapo fellows? Well they were monitoring and following him to the Kirsten’s home. He managed to create diversion and buy himself some enough time to confront grandfather. There he learns all about inbreed in their family. There was some gibberish about anti-Christ but I couldn’t understand a word because of grandfather’s strong German accent. Ashamed of what he did he showed them how to kill an elf using a dagger made of special crystal called Elfstone. So, special crystal of elves is used to kill elves. Makes sense like anything else so far. Just in that moment Gestapo people storm into the house and another chaos emerges. This time they end up dead, together with grandfather while Kirsten yet again has managed to escape. So has the elf. He catches her on the same spot she had summoned him at the beginning of the movie which marks the start of the mating season. He really took his time which shows us that even an elves like foreplay. But creating of the master race got interrupted by strike of the crystal knife after which poor monster lost his boner, exploded and dematerialized. Still, last scene shows us a fetus which, as usual, leaves a room for a sequel. Either that, or Nazis were successful in conducting their evil master plan. So we are doomed.

 

Conclusion: One of the notable things about “Elves” is a lack of any kind of explanation whatsoever. Characters come and go without explanation. Acting defies explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Despite the movie title there is only one elf in it. And boy he is laughable, cheesy and plastic. The dialogue seems forced and…what else? Needs an explanation. The plot itself is bizarre and based on accounting that elves do exist. The only problem with it is that elves fucking DO NOT exist! I guess the director Jeffrey Mandel planned Dan Haggerty to be the selling point. But you just can’t expect that one half-famous actor saves the movie in which Nazis are sending one plastic elf that scoots around and can’t close his mouth to impregnate virgin on Christmas Eve. There, I said it!