Posts Tagged ‘Big American tits’

This film is many in a line of trash horror films. When I first read the synopsis I laughed, six teenagers going on their summer vacation. Cliche? If you are a fan of rubbish horror films then you’ll love this. so, after watching this, In my perfect world, the name Buddy Cooper would be mentioned in the same breath as other ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ geniuses like Ed Wood and Herschell Gordon Lewis. And here is why:

Like many slashers, The Mutilator begins with a fever-dreamy prologue that finds an idyllic family scene: little Ed Jr.(played by director’s son Trace Cooper) has just polished off his father’s gun collection while his mother prepares a cake for the patriarch’s birthday. When Junior gets a curious with one of the shotguns, he ends up accidentally blowing his mom away, much to his father’s dismay. Not wanting to ruin birthday celebration Ed Sr. (played by Jack Chatham) sits down next to his dead wife and has a drink with her while looking at birthday message written by his son.

Birthday and funeral at same expense

Cut takes us some 10 years forward where now older Ed Jr. (played by Matt Mitler) is discussing with his college friends what to do during fall break. Seems that they have nothing in plan when suddenly Ed receives a call from his father. Ed Sr. wants him to close up their beach condo because of incoming winter.At first, Ed Jr. didn’t want to do that since his father treated him like retard for his whole life. Hm I wonder why? The only wrong thing he did is managing to shoot his own mother from a shotgun which had safety on. So what? Big deal! Anyway, friends saw an opportunity for having a wild 4-days beach party so they convinced Ed to take them with him. So they set on the road and opening credits appear followed by some cheesy cheerful ’80s song.

Fail break

When they finally arrived to the house they found a real mess. At first they thought that someone had broken in but Ed dismissed that with explanation that his dad sometimes comes there with his drinking buddies. House itself is full of junk – beer bottles, Ed Sr.’s hunting trophies (he hunted everything but people), knives, spears, hooks and even a mask of Mayan god Chaac (I checked it, it really exists but I still find that name funny). And a picture of dead guy Ed Sr. ran over with his boat. Why would anyone keep a picture from a accident scene of guy he accidentally killed is beyond me. Anyway, little do they know that someone is hiding in their garage. And that someone is none other than Ed Sr. who keeps dreaming about killing his own son in various ways. But first he needs to take care of his friends. So, the following night he decides to take an action. First he kills Linda (played by Frances Raines) and then,
using her underwear as a bait, he lured Mike (played by Morey Lampley) into his hideout where killer slashed him with motorboat. Mike is one real horny dumb moron.

She surely can’t sink with these balloons

The rest of the crew started searching for Mike and Linda on the beach but they got afraid of possibility of lighting striking them down (no, seriously) so they returned back to the condo to play Monopoly. Real party indeed. Meanwhile, Ed Sr. just seems to be warming up. Some cop (played by Ben Moore) came to the beach to check out things and Ed Sr. first impaled his face with lever and then decapitated him with an axe. The whole scene looked like head was made of plaster cast and the killer only needed to push it off the body. See for yourself:

 

The gang decided that Monopoly was too boring (oh tell me about that) so they decided to play another game. Rules are simple: Who gets to be “it” gets to stay in the house with the lights turned off while all other are drinking beer outside. That person needs to hide him or herself. Then the crew from the outside start searching for hidden person. Whoever finds gets to lay down next to the person who had been hiding. Procedure is repeated until only one person remains lurking outside around the house. Seems to me like a perfect game to get you killed. This whole thing is just Ed’s “master” plan to score Pam (played by Ruth Martinez) who is apparently still a virgin and constantly rejects young Ed’s attempts to deflower her. Anyway, poor Ralph (played by Bill Hitchcock), who is main clown in the group, was the first victim of this game. Ed Sr. impaled him with pitchforks and stuck him to the doors. Ha try to make a fun out of this one, smartass!

 

Ralph’s girlfriend Sue (played by Connie Rogers) went panicking so all remaining 3 of them started a search for him. Ed was so thrilled when he found piece of female underwear that he woke up the killer from his slumber. Poor man couldn’t even get a rest after so much hard work at killing department. And as it always happens in such cheesy slashers searching party got split up. Ed Sr. took this opportunity to kidnap Sue, take her to the garage, fish her pussy with the huge fishing hook and then finish her off with an axe. Wow what a overkill.

 

Ed Jr. and Pam eventually find bodies in garage where they confront the killer. Wussy Ed Jr. was so freaked out that Pam had to rescue him instead of vice versa. She stabs his father with a pocket knife and transports Ed Jr. to the cars. Of course, his father just rises from the dead and attacks them. During the struggle he clings onto the rear of the car so Pam takes the opportunity to drive into the wall and cuts him in half. Funny thing is that only in that moment Ed Jr. realized who the murderer is, as he proclaimed with the crying voice “It’s my daddy”. But even being cut in half couldn’t stop Ed Sr. from making another mess. While his upper half was laying on the ground, some cop approached him and Ed Sr. used his remaining strength to cut off cop’s leg with an axe and then die with sinister laughter on his face. I really don’t see how it is possible that half of body possesses such strength to cut off someone’s leg using only one arm. But hey, this is ’80s slasher. As for his son and Pam they ended up in the hospital. It remains unclear if Ed Jr. managed to score her eventually.

 

Conclusion: Buddy Cooper’s “The Mutilator” is just another almost decent slasher film. Of course the acting is completely awful and the film is extremely predictable and  unoriginal, but the gore effects made by Mark Shostrom are excellent. There is a bloody decapitation, a pretty good pitch forking and death by motorboat. Acting is so bad it’s good. The characters begin to get on your nerves eventually with their pole up their backside style acting, and you begin to wish for them to get killed. Which eventually happens. I think what makes this one stand out from other slashers is how little it stands out from other slashers. It sticks to the very basics of the formula without much imagination or surprises. The tweaks that it does have are noticeable but so simple that I’m not sure if it’s lazy or brilliantly subtle. But I am a negative individual so I am going to lean toward the first one.

And for all of you who enjoy cheesy ’80s soundtrack here is a treat for you:

 

Advertisements

 

The 1990s were not a good time for horror, especially considering the amount of classics that the 1980s produced, but that’s not to say that there were not any that stood out from the 90s. That 10 year period is really defined by two films: The Blair Witch Project and Scream. Sticking with the 1980’s whodunit  slasher formula is Zipperface, a gem that comes to us from 1992. Zipperface is something else, and I don’t mean that in a good way. What a pleasant surprise this was for all weirdos over there.

maxresdefault

Director Mansour Pourmand had obviously decided to start this movie with action packing. Not even opening credits. We see police pursuit dangerous criminal in Palm City, California. They pin him down to some house. More shooting occurs. Eventually, seeing there is no way out this, criminal decides to surrender. Just while he was standing in front of the house, preparing to raise his arms, a young and brave cop Lisa (played by Dona Adams) shoots the poor guy from behind his back. And she even gets promotion for this! Hell, give her Medal of Honor for such heroic act, I say! And while Lisa walks on rose petals somewhere a man in a leather S&M outfit is preparing for action! Not that kind of action! Behold!

zipperface

Well, it delivers what it promises

Two actresses who are working as whores (is there any difference) by night are visiting a mysterious client who likes to play master and slaves. They are introducing a new girl Janet (played by Kimberly Hamilton – Mansfield) to the routine. But in the last moment Janet decides to back off. Apparently she doesn’t like to be tied and whipped. You have already guessed that client is none else than a Zipperface (who is equally as mysterious). He gets pissed off and kills Janet with his whip. Being completely incompetent he lets other two dumb whores Natallie (played by Jillian Ross) and Sherry (played by Rikki Brando) escape him. Natalie hides at her friend Elizabeth (played by Laureen E. Clair), who is also a whore. Nice whores ring we got here. Anyway, police finds the body and case is handed over to Lisa (for whatever the reason it is). She is paired up with experience cop Harry (played by David Clover). Following the trail they visit photographer Michael Walker (played by Jonathan Mandell) who shoots all the types of S&M photos. Despite obviously being shaken by crime scene photos he somehow managed to hide his connection with the victim from two unsuspecting detectives. Then he starts hitting on Lisa and trying to talk her into taking one of his photo-sessions. Smooth move from possible suspect.

A job is a job

A job is a job

Natalie and Elizabeth are back to business. They are so dumb that they accepted bondage session after everything that has happened. Logically, Zipperface shows up and finishes the job. No luck for Natalie now. This has really disturbed office of the Mayor Angela Harris (played by Trisha Melynkov) who is, naturally, much more worried for her position at City Hall than for lives of some prostitutes. With her two lackeys Devon (played by Timothi D. Lechner) and Brewster (played by Bruce Brown) Angela wants to cover up these murders as much as possible. Meanwhile, Lisa is having photo-session at Michael’s studio followed by making out.

Off the record

Off the record

While searching Natalie’s apartment Lisa and Harry find out about Sherry. Trail leads them to the local church. What is interesting here is that church is full of hookers. Strangely looking reverend over there doesn’t seem to mind it at all. He calls them “foot soldiers”. As in footjob maybe? Anyway, he is acting very strange, almost as if he is hiding something. On his way back to the police station Harry meets Willy (played by Richard Vidan) who is mad and bitter because Lisa got promotion he thinks he had deserved. Hm maybe he is trying to set her up to look incompetent? There is sure a lot of pressure coming from City Hall. And they are all perverts there. Brewster is giving a foot massage to Angela, while Devon carries leather mask in his suitcase. Meanwhile, killer is still somewhere there, lurking and preparing for his next move. Obviously he has good insight into investigation since his next victim is the only remaining girl – Sherry. He killed her during rehearsal for some sexual kind of theater show, after knocking out her partner Alvin (played by Mike Ferraro).  When questioned by Harry and Lisa, Alvin stated that the killer is very tall, something like Devon. Devon didn’t like this comparing at all. I wonder why? Oh yeah, and later we find out that he likes to dress himself as a hooker.

 

Angela really wants to find a suspect who can be shown to public. So she pressures police to accuse Michael. They find out that Michael was engaged to Janet, the first victim. Finding about this and being faced to accusations of hiding the suspect, Lisa freaks out at Michael. He admits her everything and told her that he was hiding his past because of fear of losing her. Of course, she believed him. Not much use of it tho since Angela announced on TV that Michael is top suspect. As it happens, Lisa and Michael decide to conduct their own investigation so they visit the church once again. But Zipperface is way ahead of them. They find reverend dead in his chair, with his throat slit from ear to ear (not much use of prayers now… or before). Also, there is another prostitute there Lana (played by Denise Ezzel) who was supposed to meet certain John that night. Lisa decides to dress as hooker and go like that to the meeting place. Turned out to be an awful plan since she got captured, tied up and whipped by Zipperface.

Your leather smells so good

Your leather smells so good

Harry and Michael bust in and started a fight with Zipperface. During that fight poor killer got punched to his balls kinda 20 times. Being so much crippled (I know I would be) he was no much for Michael’s attack with machete. They had finally managed to unmask him. Guess who is the killer? Brewster, the Mayor’s lackey! What a twist! He offers a lousy explanation for his crimes. Apparently, he grew tired of being a doormat to ambitious bitch such is Angela so he decided to pursue his dream of being politician. I have to admit that killing people is an effective way to achieve this. Anyway, Angela arrives just in time to see her errand boy exposed. She freaks out at him, again not because of murders but because she is aware that her political career is over now. So she pulls a gun out of her purse and shoots Brewster in front of 20 cops. And no one even tried to stop her. Angela gets arrested, Michael gets off the hook(er), Lisa now continue screwing him, everybody is happy and the end.

 

Conclusion: If anything, Zipperface effortlessly sums up all that went wrong with the slasher genre towards the end of its rein. What started as a great stepping-stone for up and coming filmmakers and thespians had been reduced to a sewer of cinema faces by movies with flat direction, zero suspense or shocks and talentless mediocre actors. One of the biggest problems that I had with the film was the title character. He isn’t remotely scary or intimidating and is just sort of useless when it comes to being a horror film villain. He’s a portly, partially clumsy type of guy and he is nowhere in the same class as horror icons such as Jason, Freddy, Michael, or Leatherface (no matter how hard he tries to be). Same thing can be told for Dona Adams and her roll of detective. Writing was pretty bad too. And to make things more confusing it had be done by a woman – Barbara Bishop! Sounds like someone had hidden fantasies. Zipperface was just as bad as I thought it would be. It doesn’t really have that many (if any) redeeming qualities about it On the plus side, if you manage to keep the TV turned on until the end then you may be fairly surprised by the killer’s identity. To be honest though, I doubt that by that time you’ll even care.

It is holiday season and what could be better way to celebrate it than with bloodshed? New Year is just around the corner which means many of seasonal killers are waking up from their hibernation, hungry for blood and vengeance for any demented reason they might have. And who knows, maybe this night you are going to be lucky enough to be picked for dying in the most brutal ways your twisted mind can imagine.

new-year

This MGM/Cannon offspring starts with phone talk between two friends, Diane (played by Roz Kelly) and Yvonne (played by Alicia Dhanifu). Naturally, when two women are yacking on the phone, you can’t expect any constructive conversation. And as usual, they are badmouthing Diane’s husband Richard. To be honest, Yvonne tipped him off to his wife as she had seen him wasted in Palm Springs (I really can’t blame him considering how boring is his wife). Well that was her last gossip since couple of moments later, after hanging up the phone, she ended up brutally slaughtered. Serves her right for getting involved in men’s business she doesn’t understand.

put-a-sock-in-it-or-knifePut a sock in it…or knife!

Diane is punk rock star known as Blaze and New Year’s countdown starts with her hosting Hollywood Countdown show. she seems far too old and unattractive to be hosting this kind of show and given the way she dresses and acts she seem more like she would be more at home hosting games of bingo than a music show that seems to aimed at the punk rocker set. Also she has grown son Derek (played by Grant Cramer) who practically begs for her attention. Anyway, viewers can call her live and vote for the best song.  All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from an odd sounding stranger claiming his name is Evil, who announces on live television that he going to kill someone close to her at midnight. I guess he doesn’t like songs which are presented on voting list. And he is obviously a man of his word since he butchered a nurse while having sex with her (win-win situation). He calls back Diane to inform her about keeping her promise right on Eastern Central Time and announces  when the clock strikes twelve in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be punished ,then the killer signs off with a threat claiming that Diane will be the last Naughty Girl to be punished. Cops informed Diane about both nurse and Yvonne and now she is scared for her life.

hot-lineHomicide hot line

While his mother is going through a living hell Derek cuts her red stockings and puts it over his face while watching her show. I don’t see the point of this scene since we know that Derek is not the killer. Face of Evil had been shown to us in previous scenes but there are some similarities between him and Derek. Maybe the director Emmett Alston wanted to give us false lead. If that is the case he shouldn’t have shown us the real killer before it. Or maybe it is not false lead after all? Anyway, our real killer turns out to be master in disguise. He puts false mustaches on his face (and that’s all, he didn’t even change the haircut or color of the hair) and goes to some club where he picks some bimbo with promise he is going to take her to wild New Year party. His plan went
wrong when she suddenly took her roommate Lisa with herself. Needing a time to improvise Evil cruised through streets while bimbo was dribbling into his ear about  self-help meditations she has been practicing. In that moment even I felt the urge to strangle her with my bare hands. Evil had done the next best thing. He pulled over his car, sent Lisa to buy Champagne and killed bimbo by putting a plastic bag over her head. And then sliced her throat (better safe than sorry). But that was not the end of it. There is still nosy roommate needed to be disposed off. So Evil creates a trail of shoes which leads to nearby secluded dumpster. Of course, Lisa follows the trail and when she approached – big surprise peek a boo, I see you!

 

As it is his habit Evil ran over to the nearest phone booth to inform Diane about his most recent achievement. Lt. Clayton (played by Chris Wallace) now can only wait for new victims hoping for killer to make a wrong move. He also follows the schedule and announces that Evil will strike again at 11 pm. And boy, was he right. Now disguised as a priest, Evil went to the local drive in theater where he unexpectedly killed some unsuspecting biker who got in his way. Beware of hand of God for it shall slice you! But the biker was not alone. Soon motorcycle band stormed in the theater which made Evil started to panic. So he quickly hijacked the car of some teenage couple who were having fun on the backseat. It seemed that the poor girl was done for especially since her
boyfriend was chucked out of the car back in theater. But she was lucky enough to take opportunity to escape when Evil went outside to have a fight with two drunken idiots he almost had run over. Boy, was his face red! Oh, Oh and the movie that was giving in drive in cinema was 1963. horror classic “Blood Feast”. See the link?

60s-slashers-are-the-best-turn-on’60s slashers are the best turn on

Evil manages to sneak into Diane’s show by killing a police officer and taking his uniform. There we find out his true identity. It is Diane’s husband – Richard (played by Kip Niven). He got Diane right where he wanted her to be – in stuck elevator (which he had previously sabotaged; no porn pun intended). He explains to her that he knows about her cheating around. Derek has told him all about that. Derek also said that his mother tried to seduce him and cut his and his father’s allowance (?) So Richard got fed up of her and Yvonne. And the reason why he killed other women is that they are all the same manipulative, selfish, materialistic whores. Hm can’t argue with that. He left Diane hanging by elevator while police cornered him in good old-fashion rooftop chase. There he decides to end his life the only way appropriate for cheesy 80s slashers – ridiculous falling off the building while wearing some kind of comedian mask. And Diane somehow managed to survive. Looks like happy ending. Or is it? You see, Derek took his father’s mask, sneaked in ambulance van his mother was in, took out paramedics leaving him alone with his mother. The end?

 

Conclusion: Overall this one doesn’t have all that much going for it. One of the many problems here is the fact that this one comes off as a bland, boring thriller which just takes so much out of the film. Premise doesn’t really hold up that much. By using a series of utterly obnoxious story lines is where that tends to fall as the different story lines really don’t make any sense. The fact that the premise isn’t really all that spectacular enough is the prime motivator here which requires a lot of excess scenes along the way to hold itself up, some of which is found by it being dragged out indefinitely with a series of endless and utterly innocuous songs of local bands that really aren’t that great.  Kip Niven thinks he’s doing this big theatrical part, but he’s too nerdy to pull it off. His body is tiny, and teeny and yet he can kill women larger than he is. He happens to be in the area where his target victims are and it gets worse: according to the movie, he didn’t plan this. New Year’s Evil ends up being one of the most lifeless, dull films that the Cannon Group ever produced. Watch it at your own risk. The fact that you’re immune to higher-quality mediocre movies just means that you have a higher tolerance for bad movies now. Thank God a sequel wasn’t made.

Director Ed Hunt had had nice idea here. He had tried to explore (and exploit for that matter) one of the deepest fears of human kind – children. He probably knew that deep in our conscience we are terrified by even a slight possibility of something so pure and innocent can be evil. Unfortunately for him, at the end it was only idea with poor realization.

pomracenje

The beginning of this movie takes us back to June 9, 1970. Location: Maternity Ward in Meadowvale, California. We see an old doctor (played by Jose Ferrer) preparing to deliver babies of 3 women. He seems happy to do it despite the fact he is going to miss solar eclipse which started happening right in that moment. During that eclipse 3 babies were born; two boys and one girl. After that, fast forward to June 1, 1980. Two young people are expressing their love on the local cemetery. As a highlight of this romantic act guy takes the girl into open  grave where he intends to bone her. No such luck since he took 2 hits to his noodle with shovel when he stood up to check up some noise he was hearing. Girl wasn’t spared either as she ended up strangled with something that looks like a shoelace to me (though in the later scene Sherriff claimed it was a skipping rope). Guy went back on his feet and tried to save her but BAM… another hit of shovel finished him off. At least they died hugging each other and buried together. What will the real owner of the grave say when he finds intruders at his resting place?

 

Later that night the 10 years old boy Timmy (played by K.C. Martel) sneaks into his house through the window. His sister Joyce (played by Lori Lethin) notices him but she didn’t find anything suspicions about that or his excuse of going out to feed a dog. No surprise there though, since she is into some astrological mumbo jumbo. Anyway, the next day Sherriff came by to school asking questions about last night murder. Why did him come to interrogate a bunch of 10 years old kids about some gruesome murder is beyond my reach. Oh yes, he found the part of a skipping rope. Yup it makes sense, when you think about it. That item surely couldn’t have gotten there earlier than previous night. 3 of them in the class seemed to knew something about that. The very same 3 who asked the teacher if their entire class could be excused from homework since they are having birthdays next week. The teacher cooled off them with words “Just because you are all having the same birthday doesn’t mean you are special”. No argue with that. Kids took it seemingly pretty well and went home. There, the girl Debbie (played by Elizabeth Hoy) shows an outstanding talent for pimping since she charges a quarter to Steven (played by Andrew Freeman) and Curtis (played by Billy Jayne, who you might be remembering from “Charmed” TV series) for watching her slutty sister Beverly (played by Julie Brown) through a peephole while changing her clothes. This scene sends loud and clear message that even women are encouraging pimping and prostitution overall (which is not shocking at all when you think about it).

GolotinjaPeep hole is for peeping

Any suspense about who is killer (if there were any) was cleared out 20 minutes after movie started when Debbie and her companions killed Debbie’s father Sherriff James (played by Bert Kramer) with a baseball bat in broad daylight in front of his very own house! No time like a present, I would say. Explanation was that he died by walking onto skateboard on stairs. Why no one tried to explain bruises from baseball bat? Also, that is a moment when every logic of film-making went downhill and over the cliff, falling into humiliating death. The following scene proves my words because it shows James’ funeral which took place the very same day when he was murdered. If you look closer, you can spot young Michael Dudikoff among mourners who plays Beverly’s boyfriend Willard.

Spot a ninjaSpot a ninja

Timmy saw them standing around Sherriff’s corpse which makes him the next target. Under the excuse of play-date (man this word sounds so pathetic). Curtis lures Timmy into the junkyard where he locks him up inside old fridge. After a bit of struggling Timmy manages to escape such death box (or cold grave if you will have it). He runs home and tells everything to Joyce but she wouldn’t believe him (well duh), including his confession about peeping through peephole at Debbie’s home the night of the murder. Meanwhile, Debbie and her gang are making a scrapbook of death. Another entry is going to be made. Yup, they are planning to kill their teacher Miss Davis (played by Susan Strasberg). So they steal late Sherriff’s revolver later that night. The very day next Curtis walks into teacher’s house and shoots her in cold blood. Of course, this happens in the middle of the day as well. I guess classmate are going to be excused from homework after all and none is wiser. Well, almost none. Joyce, who is teacher’s assistant, finds her dead and runs away to her home. There she finds a note from Timmy stuck onto front door in which he states that he went playing at the junkyard. But he promised he wouldn’t go there anymore! At this point it is clear even to the dumbest among you dear readers of this review that this was just a set up. And you are right! The moment Joyce had arrived at the junkyard, Steven and Curtis (dressed as a members of Ku Klux Klan for some reason) started chasing her in some old car in attempt to run over her dumb ass. As it always happens, Joyce manages to save herself by climbing onto big pile of junk, leaving two boys to crash into it. Police came up quickly but Steven and Curtis had already escaped. So still no one suspects them.

 

Seems that explanation for their evil behavior lies in astrology. Joyce explained to Timmy that because they were born during the eclipse they lack conscience. How’s that, you might ask? Simple. Saturn was blocked during the eclipse and, like we all know, Saturn controls emotions. It is a scientific fact. It’s not the children to blame for. It is those damn planets moving around in their stupid orbits. As confirmation of Joyce’s words, Curtis shoots another young couple who were trying to have sex at the back of their van. In front of his house! Fit penalty for public display. Of course, no one has been woke up by gunshots from this mighty revolver so another funeral takes the place. They sure like funerals.

No public sex, kids might be watchingNo public sex, kids might be watching

It is a party time! All 3 of them are celebrating their birthdays together. One of the guests was a bit shaken by recent deaths but otherwise it is very cheerful there. Cakes are ready, looking delicious…But with one secret ingredient! Ant poison! Or it would have been if Joyce haven’t had bumped onto Curtis while he was trying to spice up the cake. She made a scene, but no one would believe her. She better have kept her mouth shut. She stopped mass poisoning. Let’s all bid Joyce a warm welcome to the hit list. But first things first. Beverly had found Debbie’s scrapbook of death. Instead to take that evidence to the police (though she did show it to her mother, who just ignored it), or at least become a bit worried about her little sister’s mental health, dumb slut burned the only evidence in fireplace. Well, not the only one. Beverly is now the only one who can link them to murders. Of course, Debbie wouldn’t miss the opportunity to remove this threat so she took care of her older sister by using a bow and arrow through peephole. Though, after this move, the only thing Debbie can do is to hang “Out of business” sign.

 

Now the mystery starts to unfold. Picture of Joyce is the first entry in new scrapbook of death thus making her to be officially on the blacklist. All cards are on the table. Debbie, Steven and Curtis are openly trying to kill Joyce and Timmy wherever and whenever they can. After some chasing and gunning scenes, Steven is subdued when a bowl of water is thrown in his face, while Curtis simply runs out of bullets and gets beaten up. Only Debbie uses her brain to escape , and her mother (head still firmly inserted into her own backside) sneaks her away and flees town with her. The movie’s ending reveals that mom and daughter remain at large under different identity and that Debbie has claimed another victim, thus setting the stage for a sequel, which fortunately never
happened.

Conclusion: As I have it understood, message of this movie is following: Anyone, who has been born the same day as anyone else, is evil. And that’s not the biggest problem here. Bigger problems are executioners, who are undoubtedly the least imposing genre villains ever presented. One them possess the inhuman ability to fire a handgun that weights as much as he does. The clumsy staging of the murders is signaled from the opening scene (graveyard lovers), and blatantly lifted music from “Friday the 13th” just adds it’s contribution to negative score, save for the few sequences of nudity. Also, if you are going to put “Blood” in the title, you should probably put some in the movie too. Only a single arrow to the eye gag even registers a blip on the gore meter. Still, I find this atrocious movie worth watching because, deep inside me, I am just one bloodthirsty kid as well.

This movie is a heavy crap, there is no doubt about that. But, thanks to couple of redeeming values and elements, it is a watchable crap. Sure, it doesn’t qualifies as “so bad it’s good’ flick and most of the time it isn’t even enjoyable, but still… Plot is bizarre and unusual, and that’s one of the things which are making this movie fun to watch.

Elves

As introduction into story we see 3 girls performing some kind of blood sisters ceremony in the forest. They also mention their idol anti-Christmas virgin, whatever it may be. One of them gets cut on her hand and the ceremony is interrupted. Or so it may seem. Blood has been spilled and something started emerging from the smoking ground. But our girls have already left the scene so they didn’t see what king of mess they have made. One of them, Kirsten (played by Julie Austin) went straight home just to get slapped by her German grandfather (played by Borah Silver) in wheelchairs for taking his book and going into forest. He is worried, which means he knows something. But what?

It's aliveIt’s alive!

Kirsten’s entire family seems a bit of the edge, with her psychotic young mother (played by Deanna Lund) who drowns cats in toilet seat, and her kid brother who enjoys watching his sister taking a shower and then talking about her big tits (which are not that big at all). It is not much better situation at her workplace either. She tried to release a pressure while sitting in the knee of mall Santa but that old scum not only refused to give Kirsten a present but he demanded oral as well in front of everybody (I guess Santa has his own wishes just like everyone else). Of course, the only oral he has gotten is oral sacking from his boss. Feeling rejected, perverted Santa goes to the locker room in order to sniff some cocaine. With such behavior he crossed the line (hehe cocaine – line, get it?) and ended up butchered by someone. Or something!

Children, there won't be any Christmas this yearChildren, there won’t be any Christmas this year

While police, like a bunch of morons they are, are probably suspecting some unsatisfied kid to be the killer, a new face shows up. His name is Mike McGavin (played by Dan Haggerty) and he is washed up deadbeat ex-detective. He came to the mall in search for a job. Could he crack the case? Being not discouraged by fate of the previous Santa (or out of despair) he gladly accepts job offer for a place of the new mall Santa. All hail! Santa can’t die. Only people who play him can. Anyway, chain smoking Mike finds a strange symbol on the murder scene which awakes detective in him. Tho he seems conflicted about that while saying “I am not a detective. I am Santa”. But despite everything he decides to investigate it further. Later that night, Kirsten sneaked into the mall with
her slutty friends so they could try out lingerie in peace. Mike, who now lives in the murder scene after being evicted from camp trailer (man that’s one solid rock bottom) catches them red-handed. But that’s not all the trouble they faced. While they were negotiating (Mike sneaked in there as well) a couple of guys who look like time traveling agents of Gestapo assaulted them with no explanation. And to make things worse the Elf (which more looks like a ghoul apart of pointy ears) has decided to crash into this late night party. Complete chaos emerges where no one knows who is chasing who to kill. Result: slutty friends are mutilated, while Gestapo, Kirsten and Mike managed to escape.

Outfit fit for a bimboOutfit fit for a bimbo

After visiting Kirsten’s home and seeing the same strange symbol under the Christmas Tree, Mike decides to investigate deeper the meaning of that symbol. So he visits Dr. Fitzgerald, a mad scientist, who starts babbling about elves being a fallen angels who tempered with women and stated that Nazis are just a bunch of crackpots. He sends Mike to Professor O’Conner who can give him more information about the subjects. Then Mike storms into professors’ house right in the middle of family diner. There professor explains him that there are two schools of thought about elves. Both theories sound out of this world and both of them include Nazis. Bottom line of this is that an elf is going to mate with perfect human virgin on a Christmas Eve thus creating a master race that will rule the world. Anyway, I am not going to write down entire explanation since I am feeling last traces of my sanity are dripping away just when thinking about it. If you are interested in detailed theory check out video below:

Meanwhile, Kirsten and her mother are having an argue back at home. Kirsten wanted to know why her mother is resenting everyone, especially her. After throwing a death of her into her mother’s face Kirsten learns about that her grandfather is also her father! Now how about that for a twist? Kirsten storms out to the study where she confronts her (grand)father. He admits that he had done that in order to control inbreeding so they could make the perfect genetic line (the origin of her little brother remains unknown to us). One thing is still not clear to me: How the hell did they manage to preserve an unconventionally handsome girl to stay a virgin for almost 20 years? Sounds as much possible as an existence of elves.

As for Kirsten’s mother, after taking the burden off her chests, she decides to have one nice relaxing bath. Just in the moment when she started forgetting about her problems (yeah, inbreed is a trivial matter) the elf shows up and fries her by throwing a radio into the bathtub. Now I am not sure that this is possible at all, and even if it were, then who the fuck would place a radio right above the bathtub where it can easily trip over and kill you? What about if the earthquake occurs? Had she been thinking about the earthquake?

Mike is back and he has brought some Nazis with him as well. Remember Gestapo fellows? Well they were monitoring and following him to the Kirsten’s home. He managed to create diversion and buy himself some enough time to confront grandfather. There he learns all about inbreed in their family. There was some gibberish about anti-Christ but I couldn’t understand a word because of grandfather’s strong German accent. Ashamed of what he did he showed them how to kill an elf using a dagger made of special crystal called Elfstone. So, special crystal of elves is used to kill elves. Makes sense like anything else so far. Just in that moment Gestapo people storm into the house and another chaos emerges. This time they end up dead, together with grandfather while Kirsten yet again has managed to escape. So has the elf. He catches her on the same spot she had summoned him at the beginning of the movie which marks the start of the mating season. He really took his time which shows us that even an elves like foreplay. But creating of the master race got interrupted by strike of the crystal knife after which poor monster lost his boner, exploded and dematerialized. Still, last scene shows us a fetus which, as usual, leaves a room for a sequel. Either that, or Nazis were successful in conducting their evil master plan. So we are doomed.

 

Conclusion: One of the notable things about “Elves” is a lack of any kind of explanation whatsoever. Characters come and go without explanation. Acting defies explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Despite the movie title there is only one elf in it. And boy he is laughable, cheesy and plastic. The dialogue seems forced and…what else? Needs an explanation. The plot itself is bizarre and based on accounting that elves do exist. The only problem with it is that elves fucking DO NOT exist! I guess the director Jeffrey Mandel planned Dan Haggerty to be the selling point. But you just can’t expect that one half-famous actor saves the movie in which Nazis are sending one plastic elf that scoots around and can’t close his mouth to impregnate virgin on Christmas Eve. There, I said it!

This movie is a stuff of legends, with it’s unlikely journey from a complete  obscurity to the incredible worldwide wide success- and it took just 25 years to do it! You see, the story starts with the young but ambitious Young Kun Kim (김영군), who emigrated from Korea to United States and managed to make a  life for himself becoming a well known and well respected  Taekwondo instructor. At some point during a radio show somebody suggested that a good way to promote his school would be to produce and star in an action movie (it was the 80’s so this logic kinda makes sense).

miamiconnection_poster-final__small

Kim happily accepted the challenge and decided to film in his local area of Florida using mostly a crew of his friends and colleagues (with no real experience in film business of course). Now, what they lacked in expertise they sure made up with their sheer enthusiasm and unique vision. How unique, well listen to this…

Biker by day, Ninjas by night!

Enter the ninjas, on motorbikes, stealing cocaine from the local gangsters! Just to sell it themselves. You sure won’t find this anywhere else.  Then we cut to the local club that presents “the new dimension in rock’n’roll” synth rock band Dragon Sound. But there is more to the  band than what meets the eye, they are Martial Art training orphan highschoolers (even thou some of them are obviously pushing 40). Unfortunately one of the tugs, evil biker ninjas spots his sister Jane singing with the band. He gets extremely jealous for some reason and starts a fight with her boyfriend John, a dumb, tall bass player. That doesn’t stop them from performing again that same night, including a prophetic song “Against the Ninja”.

That seems to be the last straw because bikers/ninjas follow them that night after the show and ambush them. Outnumbered Dragon Sound unleash and show the fact that they are Martial Art masters! Then we get to the fantastic subplot of Maurice Smith looking for his long lost father. After supporting their best friend Dragon Sound gets to other important business like partying on the beach and working out. They also take time to plot a world tour spanning all of their homelands (so from Korea to Ireland to Israel- what a tour).

Miami Connection.mp4_002184200This scene goes on for way too long!

The band helps out a local Korean restaurant owner- who had some problems with the tugs (don’t we all)  but then they get officially challenged by the Ninja Bikers. Jane tries to plead with her brother but to no avail- he’s just too evil (but I knew that already- just look at that beard).  I also get the feeling that the next scene, presenting the full biker gang was filmed entirely on the local Biker gathering, less than 2% of guys and gals look like they are acting.

Miami Connection.mp4_003207680

The showdown finally becomes imminent when the gang kidnaps the Dragon Sound mastermind/ guitar player Tom. That was the last drop and the peaceful Martial Artist/Musician/ Students finally transform into deadly killing machines. Under the cover of night they organize a raid on the gang (you can say they out-ninjad the ninjas).

 

Even thou they killed Jane’s brother everyone seems pretty happy now. But no one is happier than the Jim who finally found HIS FATHER!  After seeing Maurice Smith’s performance here I sure know why people used word gay for someone who’s really, really happy.

Unfortunately the luck doesn’t last and on their way to pick up Jim’s father they are ambushed by Ninjas on the motorbikes. Their leader wearing a White Ninja outfit proves especially cruel and difficult.

After barely surviving the wound Jim finally reunites with his father’s who’s strangely the same age as he is (but with his hair whited out) and all is finally well in Miami. We are left with this inspiring message from YK Kim to top it off- and it’s literally cherry on the cake of whole experience. Remember this kids…

Miami Connection.mp4_004839840Unfortunately the only way to eliminate the violence is with more violence!

Verdict: Unintentional comedy mixed with genuine and innocent emotions of the “actors”, crazy Martial Arts choreography and violence and Musical elements to top it off guaranties that there will never be another movie quite like this one.

I can understand why no distributor wanted to touch this movie back in the day but man, it would have been a shame if programmer at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema didn’t find the reels of Miami Connection on Ebay. World would have been a much duller place without Miami Connection in it. And now that the movie is bona fide hit isn’t it a time for that world tour they talked about so much. I mean the guys (and a girl) can still play, so what’s stopping them? It would make a great TV mini series, that’s for sure.

We are back to the good old ’80s slashers (personally my favorite genre). We just can’t say no to cheesiness, gore and a lots of tits. Especially when it is about two demented hot chicks having a party and one of them is the screams queen Linnea Quigley. Another interesting fact about this creatively titled movie is that it had been made when slasher  craze was going out of style. So let’s see where this leads to.

Murder-Weapon-1989

The movie starts with a wordless, pointless 10-minutes intro which actually made me wonder if the filmmakers couldn’t afford sound equipment. During this intro we see a hot brunette oiling herself near the pool for entire five minutes, then leaving to the room to have sex with her boyfriend, just to be assaulted by teenage blonde girl after her boyfriend left and went to have a shower. And yeah, he was killed by blonde under a shower in another sex scene.

It turned out this scene was a memory flashback (just the first of many) of blonde girl. Her name is Dawn (played by Linnea Quigley) and she was committed to asylum for many years. Now she is having a conversation with her shrink about her releasing. There we find out that she was touched by her mobster father when she was a little girl, that she made a deal with Amy, who also ended up in nuthouse after her boyfriend was killed by Dawn, that whoever gets out first is going to throw a party when the other one comes out. Now, the shrink is obviously a pervert which helped Dawn to achieve her wish of becoming party organizer by blackmailing a not-so-good-doctor with a sex tape. Yup, doc actually didn’t have much care about professional ethic  since he had Dawn molested during their hypnosis séances. Not much after, Amy (played by Karen Russell) had also managed to “convince” Dr. Randolph (played by Lyle Waggoner) to sign her release form. It occurs to me that Amy wasn’t quite the victim in gruesome crime Dawn had committed since she holds hatred for men as well and she is obviously a feminist (though, I have never seen anything even remotely to hot feminist chick). Oh, and Amy is daughter of mobster as well. Anyway, both Dawn and Amy have finally gotten out of nuthouse which means it is a party time!

Seriously, a feministSeriously, a feminist?

And what kind of girly party it would have been if there weren’t for a boys? Dawn and Amy had invited all of their ex-boyfriends. Now think about it. Two certified crackpots who hold a grudge towards men are throwing a party for themselves and inviting their ex-boyfriends? Call me paranoid but it seems to me that there is something more to it. Something sinister. Muahahahaha. Man, who would be dumb enough to attend such event? Well, I guess we are going to find out that soon. First ones to come were Cary, Kevin, Jeff, and Billy. They were all at some point in the past in relationship with either Amy or Dawn. Cary (played by Allen First) was first to reignite the flames of old love. He displayed a remarkable lack of any male dignity since he jumped immediately to shave Amy’s legs during which she dreamed about cutting his veins. At least it wasn’t without purpose. Yup, he managed to score and pass out of exhaustion after that act. Amy’s comment when she found Cary laying on the floor was “Shit, I think I fucked him to death”. Not many such modest girls these days.

He forgot to shave his wrists

Meanwhile, Dawn and Jeff (played by none other than Eric Freeman from Silent Night Deadly Night 2; although he was credited under a different name Damon Charles) are having their own exhibition in Jeff’s car. Dawn had no problem with fucking with him in convertible but backed out after Jeff (who is Richard Grieco wanna be) asked to perform the blowjob. We can see some nice pair of tits here as well. Back inside Billy (played by Richard Sebastian), after following a trail of Amy’s flirtatious look, ended up in the basement with his head smashed by sledgehammer in this hilarious scene:

He is got PHD – Pounded Head Down

Who could have done such a horrible thing? Was it Eric (played by Michael Jakobs Jr.) who was seen arriving at party moments before Billy’s head was flatted to the ground? I wouldn’t place my bet on him. He is just a pathetic overconfident singer of metal band with a retarded name “Chainsaws”. And he is also one of the Amy’s ex-boyfriends. Just like Cary (who btw went to recharge himself with a dose of good old speed), he hurried up to reignite the old flames. But we won’t be seeing any sex scene between them. What we will see is a sex between Dawn and her friend Bart (played by Rodger Burt) who died instantly after in a Alien related scene for which I have absolutely no explanation.

I guess she learned in asylum how to tie a knotI guess she learned in asylum how to tie a knot

Now the killing spree is starting. Next victim is poor Cary who just wanted to have some late night snack. But instead of food, someone had his throat stuffed with a broken bottle of Champaign. From behind. Hm at least he doesn’t need to worry about dangers of drugs using anymore.

narkoman

Jeff and Kevin (played by Stephen Steward) have found Cary’s body. Forgetting their roles of tough guys they started to panic and make a wild assumptions about being targeted by mob hitmans. They even assumed that the murderer had already cut phone lines without even trying to call a cops. Instead they went to one of the cars in which they found a gun. Just when it seemed that lady luck has finally smiled upon them Jeff somehow had transformed himself into the mannequin a moment before the murderer had blown his head in another ridiculous scene.

Masks started to fall off

Kevin decides to team up with Eric (not Freeman) and Amy in order to stop the killer. Well, it is not that he had much of a choice. They finally started suspecting who might be the killer. The Final confrontation took a place where it all had begun – in the basement. Two bulked up guys with guns barely managed to overpower tiny girl with the help of Amy who previously splashed the killer with gasoline. The ending then is written by itself. Or is it? Kevin approached the steaming corpse and removed a mask from it’s head. Scorched face of Dawn appears, she opens her eyes and starts choking Kevin. And that’s the ending that leaves a plenty of room for a sequel. Which luckily never happened.

If you see this girl run for your lifeIf you see this girl run for your life!

Conclusion: From the movie in which the killer was the most suspicious person from the beginning and half of it’s crew used fake names (even the director David DeCoetau used strange alias Ellen Cabot) you can’t expect much of a quality. Dialogues are hilarious. Plot attempts to be deceiving with frequent flashbacks like it wasn’t so damn clear who is the murderer. I can’t help the feeling that the hidden message here is some feminist crap about girls power and all men being a pigs (which I am proud of). That’s probably the reason why director took a girly name as his alias. More likely the message is that pussy is the  MURDER WEAPON. But it is not everything that bad. Yes, the movie is a complete piece of trash, we could all agree on that. But it is also very entertaining flick, consisted of all slasher elements such as nudity, sex, gore and cheesiness. Worth watching.