Posts Tagged ‘Clowns’

After bombarding you with clown content we decided to round thing up with a nice little short that involves a computer hacker forced to face  three assassins including a killer clown  who come after him. Film is directed by Tyler Bohlman and stars the new bearded Martial Arts sensation (taking reigns from Bob Wall and Roy Horan) Eric Jacobus, known to you most likely as  Stryker form Mortal Kombat: Legacy series.

WARNING: SCENES OF EXTREME AND GORY VIOLENCE BELLOW!

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For reasons known only to them, MGM had decided to make another evil clowns flick, one year after their (in)famous Killer Klowns From Outer Space. But unlike the said movie, Clownhouse is neither fun nor watchable. Nor worth of remembering.

This cheap attempt of exploitation of people’s fear of clowns starts on one windy night, in front of “American dream” house. But wind is not the only present there. There is also a human doll hanging of the tree. Inside the house, in one of the rooms, 10 years old kid Casey (played by Nathan Forrest Winters) wakes up, walks to one of the windows, sees hanging doll followed by piece of paper with clown drawn onto it and wets his pants. But wait! It was just a dream.  Well, except wetting part. He did wet his bed. And not for the first time. It seems that such thing happens to him often since his nerdy looking brother  Geoffrey (played by Brian McHugh) already possesses a routine in disposing of the evidences. But not this morning! Their oldest brother Randy (played by Sam  Rockwell) storms in the room, thus discovering a nasty deed of Casey. As it always happens, the oldest brother is usually the biggest jerk and bully. Anyway, all three of them are about to go together to local circus that evening. Somewhere along the way they see several police cars with sirens on driving in  haste. Their remark “Trouble at a nuthouse…Where the crazy people live” accurately reflects their IQ and state of mind.

Yard decorationYard decoration.

Later that evening they visited a fat guy dressed like one-eyed woman fortune teller. (S)he predicts great danger for all of them, and especially for Casey.  Bad for her as well since they stormed out of her tent without paying for her services (not that kind of services). I bet she didn’t see that coming!!! So  much about her foretelling powers. Anyway, Casey was really shaken after that which resulted in his freaking out in front of entire town because Cheezo,  Bippo and Dippo clowns wanted to play with him. And similar thing had happened a year before. That kid sure hates clowns. And for some reason that was the  end of the show.

Now who would find this funnyNow, who would find this funny?

But Cheezo, Bippo and Dippo must be punished for their crime! Soon after the show, while they were doing some gay talk and heavy drinking, three escaped  mental patients had sneaked in, brutally slaughtered them (of course, good people from MGM didn’t bother to show us actual act of killing, despite the fact  this was supposed to be a horror movie), and stole their costumes. While wandering around dressed like clowns they had finally stumbled upon the house of our 3 stooges. And as you could take guess, they have been left completely alone in house, while their parents were somewhere on party. People among you that  were lucky enough to not watch this movie (oh how I envy them) are now probably guessing that, at this very point, the real horror is going to take a place.  That’s so naive of you to think that MGM would do such logical thing. In next half an hour or so, barely anything is happening. Evil clowns are walking  through the house completely unnoticed (with a short leave of absence to kill a store clerk), Randy being a jerk and bully as usual (also he dressed himself  as a clown so he could scare his younger brothers), Casey’s hallucinations, Geoffrey being a pathetic nerd and doing nothing.

This kid has some serious mental problemsThis kid has some serious mental problems!

Our boys have finally noticed that there are clowns in their house exactly one hour after the movie had started (don’t get your hopes up – this movie is not  going to be more interesting). First one to spot escaped mental patients was Randy. Too bad for him since he died a minute after that, while still dressed as a clown. Well, he got what he asked for. Can’t really say I am sorry, neither. Kid was demented jerk. Geoffrey and Casey find Randy’s corpse hanging in front of house. Casey freaks out as usual and Geoffrey is trying to calm him down. And what would be better way to chill out than dragging corpse of your brother  and putting it in closet (?!). Now it is time for revenge. Evil Bippo (played by Byron Weible) and evil Dippo (played by David C. Reinecker) are about to get their asses kicked by two 10 years old. One gets killed by Casey and the other one gets thrown out of a window. Now, I know people get adrenalin rush when  they are in danger but it is still hard for me to believe that two 10 years old kids could throw full grown 120 kg madman like that. Still, it had happened.  Eventually, evil Cheezo (played by Tree) gets an axe into his back while fighting with Casey. And that is the end of this horror.

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Conclusion: I can’t believe that movie about escaped mental patients dressed like murdering clowns can be so boring. Unlike Killer Klowns From Outer Space,  MGM tried here to be more realistic and serious. The only serious thing here is how seriously they had failed. Even a base set up wasn’t completely correct.  Most of the time kids are as deranged as escaped mental patients (and that is not due to fear). I am not sure how Victor Salva (writer and director of this movie) imagines realistic horror. I guess he is few clowns short of a circus.

Trivia: Victor Salva was such a pervert that he went to jail guilty of child sex abuse before this movie was even released. On the other hand, that didn’t stop him from directing a commercial success Powder for Walt Disney’s studios  only 3 years after his release. See children, Disney is always on the side of evil. 

Someone really had nothing better to do than to try to show us that becoming a clown isn’t that easy and fun as it may look like. No, you need to pass  special training to become an idiot who scares more people than actually made laughing. Now, why anyone would be interested in hearing and watching about  clown career? Beats me. You should ask writers and directors of this movie David C. Valdez and Philip H.R. Gunn. But I doubt you would get any sane answer.

So, the beginning of the movie delivers us what is stated in it’s title. One of the clowns goes insane for some reason and starts slaughtering other clowns  in Klown Kamp , in many sick and twisted ways (including scalping one of them and mixing his brains with cornflakes). He manages to escape on foot thus  entering the legend, in what is now known as The Massacre at Bonzo ranch. Fast forward 15 years later. We see person who is obviously a killer watching  Unsolved Clown Murders on TV, laughing at attempts of capturing Edwin the Clown (yeah, that’s him). Show is over, and after brief commercials, old Bonzo  (played by Michael L. Miller) shows his fat ass on TV, announcing grand re-opening of Klown Kamp. That info makes Edwin (played Jared Herholtz) freaks out,  jumps out of his chair and throw a pie at screen. For a killer clown who got away, he sure looks nervous.
Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well                                                                 Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well?

 
The word about Klown Kamp reopening spreads quickly and wannabe clowns from all 4 parts of the country are already heading to Bonzo ranch. First group of  clowns is already near, on gas station. One of them is retard clown Lenny (no, that is not his act, he is just mentally challenged), but keeping in mind  behavior of rest of town population, I doubt that anyone would notice. On their way out, insane town drunk Crazy Ernie (played by Kevin R. Elder)  intercepts and serves them a story about death curse and mad killer, but he got wrong location. He was talking about death curse on Kamp Sparkling Lake, and  looked really dumb when one of the clowns had pointed him that they are heading to Bonzo ranch. I guess this was supposed to be comical relief, but it only  looked sad. Clowns started arriving to Bonzo ranch. Besides Lenny (played by Reuben Finkelstein), there are as well balloon-specialist clown Philbert (played  by Ross Kelly), magician clown Puff (played by Chris Payne) and Squirts (played by Sandor Gattyan) who does exactly what his artistic name states. He wears
nothing but a raincoat, masturbates all time and asks people if anyone would like to see his penis. Oh yeah, and he is German. But one of them will not reach  her destination. It is some hippie clown chick. She was walking to Bonzo ranch when she hitchhiked another clown driving Volkswagen Bug. After having the  largest joint I have ever seen, she noticed that there is a sunroof on VW Bug (?!), takes her top off, squeeze through sunroof and shows us her boobies. Now,  instead of scoring her, like any normal streight man would do, he pulls her back to the seat, goes off the road and starts driving in circle faster and  faster (it is just badly speeded up video) until her head blew up!!! Now, I’ll take this opportunity and make a request for Jamie and Oliver from Mythbusters  to check if this is possible, by any circumstances!!!

Head blowing speed.

All clowns have arrived and now it is time for their training to start. Their instructor clown Sgt. Funnybone (played by Miguel Martinez) is conducting  military way of training. Even clowns needs to be disciplined. One of them is hot Valerie (played by Ashley Bryce), who is Bonzo’s granddaughter. Yeah, she  is a clown too. Valerie gets flashbacks from her childhood, when her father was harassing her. Just to mention. Meanwhile, clown servant Tex (played by Chad  Brummeit) is in the back shack, doing the hay baling. As you could guess, Edwin shows up and puts Tex into baling machine. Result of that is one bloody hay  bale. Ok, moving on. Following night, clowns are having bonfire outside telling scary stories. Gangsta clown Buzter Pie (played by Isaac Kappy) tells them  about death curse on this camp and why this place has been shut down for 15 years. Apparently, young boy Edwin wanted to pursue his lifelong dream of  becoming a clown (yeah, you’ll read “clown” word many more times in this review). For his final exam he needed to make other clowns laugh. He prepared a  special joke for that evening. He would succeed if there wasn’t one reckless clown who got a call on his cell phone right in the moment when Edwin was doing  his act. That broke the atmosphere, no one laughed at his performance and that made him berserk. He took revenge on entire camp, slicing and dicing each and  one of them. There you have it people. If someone doesn’t laugh to your jokes, you have full right to slaughter him.

Now who is being naive                                                              Now who is being naive?

Next morning, it is pie tossing training. As usual, Valerie and Philbert are late. Philbert really puts an effort in order to Valerie allows him to fill her  circus tent. He took the blame, and as for punishment Sgt. Funnybone ordered him and Puff to transport barrel of Grandma Bonzo’s Super-seltzer through the  woods. Buzter is there as well, for some reason. Meanwhile, on the other side of woods Crazy Ernie comes to warn them about death curse (again), but he  failed due the fact that he was eaten by a bear. There goes one true hero. Anyway, Sgt. Funnybone went into the woods, looking for delayed super-seltzer  delivery. It turns out that it wasn’t clever idea since Edwin smashed a pie into his face, followed by knife to make sure pie is going to stay on Sergeant’s  face. And that’s how Sgt. Faunnybones’s reign of terror ended.

Dishonorable dischargeDishonorable discharge!

Clowns are throwing a party the very same night (probably to celebrate reduced competition). Also, they smuggled some alcohol and prostitutes. Before party  even started, old Bonzo got himself hung by Edwin. Valerie started showing her hotspots for Philbert but it all went cold when she found him with  prostitutes. Squirts was watching sex between clowns when his throat got slit by Edwin. Instead of saying last, wise words, Squirts cummed on his own face,  thus dying with smile. Since this movie is only consisted of brutal kills, I won’t make any more spoilers. I’ll give you a hint of what you should  expect….Seltzer filled with acid, decapitated man living normally, Valerie reveals her murder of her father (blaming it on Latino dude), and many more sick  murders…Now, for grand finale, Edwin placed every victim from camp as his audience in re-creation of his final exam evening… Only Valerie is left alive,  and she is meant to help him perform his act. Pay attention now. It turns out that everything was a set up by old Bonzo, for his new reality show named “You  have been clowned!!!” The worst twist ending ever!!!

Cum-shot

Conclusion: If you thought this is parody of some more famous movie, you got it all wrong. This is pure insanity and dementia. Scenes are so awful that it  seems directors were filming them once per a month and then assembling them in a movie maker. Not to mention that entire Earth is devoted to clowns. I  struggled to understand director’s message, I really was, but couldn’t make any sense of it eventually. Also, a bunch of sick murders doesn’t make a good  horror movie. But what would you expect from Troma? And for the end, here is the message from “I can’t believe it is not a Hollywood” productio: You guys  should change a name to “I can’t believe that this is considered a movie”