Klown Kamp Massacre (2010)

Posted: 10/09/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , ,

Someone really had nothing better to do than to try to show us that becoming a clown isn’t that easy and fun as it may look like. No, you need to pass  special training to become an idiot who scares more people than actually made laughing. Now, why anyone would be interested in hearing and watching about  clown career? Beats me. You should ask writers and directors of this movie David C. Valdez and Philip H.R. Gunn. But I doubt you would get any sane answer.

So, the beginning of the movie delivers us what is stated in it’s title. One of the clowns goes insane for some reason and starts slaughtering other clowns  in Klown Kamp , in many sick and twisted ways (including scalping one of them and mixing his brains with cornflakes). He manages to escape on foot thus  entering the legend, in what is now known as The Massacre at Bonzo ranch. Fast forward 15 years later. We see person who is obviously a killer watching  Unsolved Clown Murders on TV, laughing at attempts of capturing Edwin the Clown (yeah, that’s him). Show is over, and after brief commercials, old Bonzo  (played by Michael L. Miller) shows his fat ass on TV, announcing grand re-opening of Klown Kamp. That info makes Edwin (played Jared Herholtz) freaks out,  jumps out of his chair and throw a pie at screen. For a killer clown who got away, he sure looks nervous.
Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well                                                                 Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well?

The word about Klown Kamp reopening spreads quickly and wannabe clowns from all 4 parts of the country are already heading to Bonzo ranch. First group of  clowns is already near, on gas station. One of them is retard clown Lenny (no, that is not his act, he is just mentally challenged), but keeping in mind  behavior of rest of town population, I doubt that anyone would notice. On their way out, insane town drunk Crazy Ernie (played by Kevin R. Elder)  intercepts and serves them a story about death curse and mad killer, but he got wrong location. He was talking about death curse on Kamp Sparkling Lake, and  looked really dumb when one of the clowns had pointed him that they are heading to Bonzo ranch. I guess this was supposed to be comical relief, but it only  looked sad. Clowns started arriving to Bonzo ranch. Besides Lenny (played by Reuben Finkelstein), there are as well balloon-specialist clown Philbert (played  by Ross Kelly), magician clown Puff (played by Chris Payne) and Squirts (played by Sandor Gattyan) who does exactly what his artistic name states. He wears
nothing but a raincoat, masturbates all time and asks people if anyone would like to see his penis. Oh yeah, and he is German. But one of them will not reach  her destination. It is some hippie clown chick. She was walking to Bonzo ranch when she hitchhiked another clown driving Volkswagen Bug. After having the  largest joint I have ever seen, she noticed that there is a sunroof on VW Bug (?!), takes her top off, squeeze through sunroof and shows us her boobies. Now,  instead of scoring her, like any normal streight man would do, he pulls her back to the seat, goes off the road and starts driving in circle faster and  faster (it is just badly speeded up video) until her head blew up!!! Now, I’ll take this opportunity and make a request for Jamie and Oliver from Mythbusters  to check if this is possible, by any circumstances!!!

Head blowing speed.

All clowns have arrived and now it is time for their training to start. Their instructor clown Sgt. Funnybone (played by Miguel Martinez) is conducting  military way of training. Even clowns needs to be disciplined. One of them is hot Valerie (played by Ashley Bryce), who is Bonzo’s granddaughter. Yeah, she  is a clown too. Valerie gets flashbacks from her childhood, when her father was harassing her. Just to mention. Meanwhile, clown servant Tex (played by Chad  Brummeit) is in the back shack, doing the hay baling. As you could guess, Edwin shows up and puts Tex into baling machine. Result of that is one bloody hay  bale. Ok, moving on. Following night, clowns are having bonfire outside telling scary stories. Gangsta clown Buzter Pie (played by Isaac Kappy) tells them  about death curse on this camp and why this place has been shut down for 15 years. Apparently, young boy Edwin wanted to pursue his lifelong dream of  becoming a clown (yeah, you’ll read “clown” word many more times in this review). For his final exam he needed to make other clowns laugh. He prepared a  special joke for that evening. He would succeed if there wasn’t one reckless clown who got a call on his cell phone right in the moment when Edwin was doing  his act. That broke the atmosphere, no one laughed at his performance and that made him berserk. He took revenge on entire camp, slicing and dicing each and  one of them. There you have it people. If someone doesn’t laugh to your jokes, you have full right to slaughter him.

Now who is being naive                                                              Now who is being naive?

Next morning, it is pie tossing training. As usual, Valerie and Philbert are late. Philbert really puts an effort in order to Valerie allows him to fill her  circus tent. He took the blame, and as for punishment Sgt. Funnybone ordered him and Puff to transport barrel of Grandma Bonzo’s Super-seltzer through the  woods. Buzter is there as well, for some reason. Meanwhile, on the other side of woods Crazy Ernie comes to warn them about death curse (again), but he  failed due the fact that he was eaten by a bear. There goes one true hero. Anyway, Sgt. Funnybone went into the woods, looking for delayed super-seltzer  delivery. It turns out that it wasn’t clever idea since Edwin smashed a pie into his face, followed by knife to make sure pie is going to stay on Sergeant’s  face. And that’s how Sgt. Faunnybones’s reign of terror ended.

Dishonorable dischargeDishonorable discharge!

Clowns are throwing a party the very same night (probably to celebrate reduced competition). Also, they smuggled some alcohol and prostitutes. Before party  even started, old Bonzo got himself hung by Edwin. Valerie started showing her hotspots for Philbert but it all went cold when she found him with  prostitutes. Squirts was watching sex between clowns when his throat got slit by Edwin. Instead of saying last, wise words, Squirts cummed on his own face,  thus dying with smile. Since this movie is only consisted of brutal kills, I won’t make any more spoilers. I’ll give you a hint of what you should  expect….Seltzer filled with acid, decapitated man living normally, Valerie reveals her murder of her father (blaming it on Latino dude), and many more sick  murders…Now, for grand finale, Edwin placed every victim from camp as his audience in re-creation of his final exam evening… Only Valerie is left alive,  and she is meant to help him perform his act. Pay attention now. It turns out that everything was a set up by old Bonzo, for his new reality show named “You  have been clowned!!!” The worst twist ending ever!!!


Conclusion: If you thought this is parody of some more famous movie, you got it all wrong. This is pure insanity and dementia. Scenes are so awful that it  seems directors were filming them once per a month and then assembling them in a movie maker. Not to mention that entire Earth is devoted to clowns. I  struggled to understand director’s message, I really was, but couldn’t make any sense of it eventually. Also, a bunch of sick murders doesn’t make a good  horror movie. But what would you expect from Troma? And for the end, here is the message from “I can’t believe it is not a Hollywood” productio: You guys  should change a name to “I can’t believe that this is considered a movie”

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