This movie is a heavy crap, there is no doubt about that. But, thanks to couple of redeeming values and elements, it is a watchable crap. Sure, it doesn’t qualifies as “so bad it’s good’ flick and most of the time it isn’t even enjoyable, but still… Plot is bizarre and unusual, and that’s one of the things which are making this movie fun to watch.
As introduction into story we see 3 girls performing some kind of blood sisters ceremony in the forest. They also mention their idol anti-Christmas virgin, whatever it may be. One of them gets cut on her hand and the ceremony is interrupted. Or so it may seem. Blood has been spilled and something started emerging from the smoking ground. But our girls have already left the scene so they didn’t see what king of mess they have made. One of them, Kirsten (played by Julie Austin) went straight home just to get slapped by her German grandfather (played by Borah Silver) in wheelchairs for taking his book and going into forest. He is worried, which means he knows something. But what?
It’s alive!
Kirsten’s entire family seems a bit of the edge, with her psychotic young mother (played by Deanna Lund) who drowns cats in toilet seat, and her kid brother who enjoys watching his sister taking a shower and then talking about her big tits (which are not that big at all). It is not much better situation at her workplace either. She tried to release a pressure while sitting in the knee of mall Santa but that old scum not only refused to give Kirsten a present but he demanded oral as well in front of everybody (I guess Santa has his own wishes just like everyone else). Of course, the only oral he has gotten is oral sacking from his boss. Feeling rejected, perverted Santa goes to the locker room in order to sniff some cocaine. With such behavior he crossed the line (hehe cocaine – line, get it?) and ended up butchered by someone. Or something!
Children, there won’t be any Christmas this year
While police, like a bunch of morons they are, are probably suspecting some unsatisfied kid to be the killer, a new face shows up. His name is Mike McGavin (played by Dan Haggerty) and he is washed up deadbeat ex-detective. He came to the mall in search for a job. Could he crack the case? Being not discouraged by fate of the previous Santa (or out of despair) he gladly accepts job offer for a place of the new mall Santa. All hail! Santa can’t die. Only people who play him can. Anyway, chain smoking Mike finds a strange symbol on the murder scene which awakes detective in him. Tho he seems conflicted about that while saying “I am not a detective. I am Santa”. But despite everything he decides to investigate it further. Later that night, Kirsten sneaked into the mall with
her slutty friends so they could try out lingerie in peace. Mike, who now lives in the murder scene after being evicted from camp trailer (man that’s one solid rock bottom) catches them red-handed. But that’s not all the trouble they faced. While they were negotiating (Mike sneaked in there as well) a couple of guys who look like time traveling agents of Gestapo assaulted them with no explanation. And to make things worse the Elf (which more looks like a ghoul apart of pointy ears) has decided to crash into this late night party. Complete chaos emerges where no one knows who is chasing who to kill. Result: slutty friends are mutilated, while Gestapo, Kirsten and Mike managed to escape.
Outfit fit for a bimbo
After visiting Kirsten’s home and seeing the same strange symbol under the Christmas Tree, Mike decides to investigate deeper the meaning of that symbol. So he visits Dr. Fitzgerald, a mad scientist, who starts babbling about elves being a fallen angels who tempered with women and stated that Nazis are just a bunch of crackpots. He sends Mike to Professor O’Conner who can give him more information about the subjects. Then Mike storms into professors’ house right in the middle of family diner. There professor explains him that there are two schools of thought about elves. Both theories sound out of this world and both of them include Nazis. Bottom line of this is that an elf is going to mate with perfect human virgin on a Christmas Eve thus creating a master race that will rule the world. Anyway, I am not going to write down entire explanation since I am feeling last traces of my sanity are dripping away just when thinking about it. If you are interested in detailed theory check out video below:
Meanwhile, Kirsten and her mother are having an argue back at home. Kirsten wanted to know why her mother is resenting everyone, especially her. After throwing a death of her into her mother’s face Kirsten learns about that her grandfather is also her father! Now how about that for a twist? Kirsten storms out to the study where she confronts her (grand)father. He admits that he had done that in order to control inbreeding so they could make the perfect genetic line (the origin of her little brother remains unknown to us). One thing is still not clear to me: How the hell did they manage to preserve an unconventionally handsome girl to stay a virgin for almost 20 years? Sounds as much possible as an existence of elves.
As for Kirsten’s mother, after taking the burden off her chests, she decides to have one nice relaxing bath. Just in the moment when she started forgetting about her problems (yeah, inbreed is a trivial matter) the elf shows up and fries her by throwing a radio into the bathtub. Now I am not sure that this is possible at all, and even if it were, then who the fuck would place a radio right above the bathtub where it can easily trip over and kill you? What about if the earthquake occurs? Had she been thinking about the earthquake?
Mike is back and he has brought some Nazis with him as well. Remember Gestapo fellows? Well they were monitoring and following him to the Kirsten’s home. He managed to create diversion and buy himself some enough time to confront grandfather. There he learns all about inbreed in their family. There was some gibberish about anti-Christ but I couldn’t understand a word because of grandfather’s strong German accent. Ashamed of what he did he showed them how to kill an elf using a dagger made of special crystal called Elfstone. So, special crystal of elves is used to kill elves. Makes sense like anything else so far. Just in that moment Gestapo people storm into the house and another chaos emerges. This time they end up dead, together with grandfather while Kirsten yet again has managed to escape. So has the elf. He catches her on the same spot she had summoned him at the beginning of the movie which marks the start of the mating season. He really took his time which shows us that even an elves like foreplay. But creating of the master race got interrupted by strike of the crystal knife after which poor monster lost his boner, exploded and dematerialized. Still, last scene shows us a fetus which, as usual, leaves a room for a sequel. Either that, or Nazis were successful in conducting their evil master plan. So we are doomed.
Conclusion: One of the notable things about “Elves” is a lack of any kind of explanation whatsoever. Characters come and go without explanation. Acting defies explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Despite the movie title there is only one elf in it. And boy he is laughable, cheesy and plastic. The dialogue seems forced and…what else? Needs an explanation. The plot itself is bizarre and based on accounting that elves do exist. The only problem with it is that elves fucking DO NOT exist! I guess the director Jeffrey Mandel planned Dan Haggerty to be the selling point. But you just can’t expect that one half-famous actor saves the movie in which Nazis are sending one plastic elf that scoots around and can’t close his mouth to impregnate virgin on Christmas Eve. There, I said it!
Worsemovies 