Worsemovies

 

I don’t know about you,but I’ve never found Bigfoot to be scary.Not many people do. David A. Prior set out to change that. Hence this cinematic masterpiece that exploded in our faces.And his too presumably.

What we’ve got here is a creature feature,horror pic, set in a cousy town of Morningside.We open with two teenagers getting it down,the girl looking pretty underwhelmed by the experience.This unfortunate affair (that will turn even more unfortunate) is taking place in a car,in the woods.There is only one way this could end.

So the girl hears something.“Don’t worry,it must be a bear,or a wolf or something” he consoles her.That’s what every girl in the forest wants to hear.I know I would.”A bear,a wolf,Jack the reaper,nothing to worry about here”

They continue,but then some CGI glass is broken as he gets dragged outside of the car by our monster.Bad sex is punishable by death,death by Sasquatch.Take note. Every time you don’t satisfy a girl,a jock somewhere gets killed by a sasquatch. She is not about to let him go without a fight,so she grabs onto his legs,resulting in his feet getting ripped off.

Foot-feet,get it?Big foot…feet..so funny

Outside of the car,he gets  molded.A bit too extreme.She tries to start the car,but that never works in any movies,especially bad ones.She doesn’t have her priorities straight (priorities,Prior,get it…hilarious) as she emerges from the car somehow dressed.And gets molded. This leads us to painfully long opening credits,consisting mostly of Ted Prior And Frank Stallone.Wait Stalone is in this?YAS. We are then greeted with body parts scattered around the forest on the warm day as cheerful cops are trying their best to look disgusted and shaken.We meet our fabulous sheriff.Fake it till you make it type,which seems to work for him,because somehow,he seems to be taken seriously by the townsfolk and his colleagues alike.

There is a lady cop on the scene too. He has an ex wife.They have the hots for each other.It would have been cute if there weren’t dead teenagers scattered about. How could this be?Who could have done this?WHAT could have done this? “Call Zooes,museums,universities” If I was a cop and had two dead kids on my hands,I would call a museum too.

But who could be there hiding in the bushes? This hunter guy and his two merry assistants.One presumably Albanian.They are the ones hiding in the bushes.Surrounded by cops and loaded with weapons.You know,just bush diving.And they are here to hunt down the beast.They will stop at nothing,they fear nothing.Spoiler-they all die.

We need more cast.We need  more bodies.Oh good,we are introduced to our campers.Not so young young  campers.Not so enthusiastic,out of place campers lead by tough survivalist Sharon.Its a three day adventure no one but her wants to be on.We have two married couples,and we are informed that third one bailed out.Lucky bastards.We have a worried guy.He must die.And we have his plain wife.She must die.And then we have the man himself Ted Prior,but he is kind of an asshole,so he must die.And finally we have his blond dumb wife.She must die first.Sharon is here to survive.And she is down for this forest shit.I mean she eats it up.We just might see her fistfight the beast.Throw in an armbar (clawbar) in there too.

We are so acting

Look we have a tamagotchi in the case of trouble

Now all this calls for sexy female scientist,dead set to take part in the hunt,and her nerdy gay assistant.Who must die. Blond busty scientist,Sarah, arrives in the Sheriff’s office,and lady cop, Roberta is not pleased.I mean really? Bitch please.Get your claws of mah man.We are used to scientists not having budgets or power, they are struggling to MAKE PEOPLE SEE,but not this one.She has ,like, a president on speed dial.And she knows just what killed these kids.How?Who the fuck knows. And if they don’t want military on their asses,they will let her tag along.

Where first?To the morgue! At the morgue they meet an acting gem,Dr-MR Hopper.He and sexy Sarah seem to see eye to eye.It was a beast,10 feet tall beast.No one or nothing else could have done that. A man?What a joke.A bear?No?Big foot?Seems feasible. And you know who knows all about this Bigfoot fellow?Towns drunk.

This man knows stuff!

Sarah and her assistant friend go and see him,they buy him beer,the only currency he accepts.And he tells them the story about how Bigfoot tried to kill him.And that other time when Bigfoot wanted to fuck him.No biggie. And oh,there is more than one. He missed to tell them that aliens also tried to fuck him.Talking about bad karma.He probably gets catcalls from Goblins all the time. Back to our campers. Engage the night mode.

Night Mode engaged!

Seriously,this movie has one of the worst night modes in cinematic history.You can see its clearly day and in some scenes you can see dark blob in down left corner of the screen.What is that? Didn’t clean the camera lens?Used dirty X ray to film this? What did you do?Tell me! Tell meeee!

So,the night falls and the beast is in full beast mode,as it kills Sharon in a” Surprise bitches mode.”Wait what,Sharon?Oh okay…maybe they want to show us these unexpirienced people fending for themselves in the forest. Then plain woman is dead.Then her husband.Wait,the order is all messed up here.Oh well,that’s…fresh. Our Charlie,who has mostly one line (Shut up Sandy) has a gun btw,and will not let anyone stand in his way.Not even his wife. Asshole. Something worth mentioning is that our beast has style when it comes to killing,i t likes to waltz in the scene as seen here,when it kills plains woman’s husband,or it likes to walk up to its victims from behind letting them do that “Its right behind me isn’t it” thing.

But hey,Charlie and his blond wife make it out of the night.Hunters are on their trail.And in the town,well,our sheriff faces yet another problem and is as cheerful about it as about everything else.He learns that Sharon took party of four “on one of her little survival trips”,and some trigger happy towns folk are gathering to do what they do best.Shoot things and avenge teenagers. We cant have that! And he actually manages to stop them from going in to the woods.I cant believe he accomplished something.One task down,one more to go.Go and find our happy campers.Who tags along?Scientist does.That can not go wrong.

Now we see our new group of town jocks,driving and drinking,going to have a little party in the forest.They have somehow managed to live in a tiny town,and not know that two of their friends have been mutilated the night before,and in that same forest may I add.Okay we were informed its summertime and there is pumpkin festival coming,its major,and the last thing the town needs is that kind of publicity (I would think the last thing a town needs is dead kids,or killer on the loose,but don’t ask me) but you would know,OKAY?I mean there was a mob gathering (infront of sheriffs office just so you know) to kill the beast,but you don’t know anything?

Local idiot

But oh goodie,they bump in to police road block and our merry sheriff,who has by now singled himself as my favorite character.Police is bloking the road,they are going to live..Sheriff will make sure that these kids with alcohol and attitude get home safely,and NOT proceed.Right?Wrong.Yep,they are going to die.Thanx sheriff. “There is something going on here,and i cant talk about it right now (because pumpkin festival is more important to this town then you kids) but its not safe for ether one of you to be outhere in the woods tonight.“That should do the trick.No?Well,he tried.

Hey wait,weren’t you supposed to be looking for those campers sheriff?

Ah that’s why you left and left the road open?Yes,yes I get it,proceed. Back to Charlie and his wife.Hunters finally caught up with them,and Charlie kills one,crushing his wind pipe with a mighty punch.Who are you Charlie?

 You wanna piece of me?

 

But he is kept alive by our remaining hunters,because they need-Live bait. To be continued. We have a carnage to get to. A forest party.Yes,they decide to make out,boys,girls,what else would you do in a movie? Surprisingly no boobs are seen,is this B movie I’m watching?I’m pleasantly surprised, I know I know…Most guys came to see these movies for the boobs,soft porn and abuse.You,yes you,I know who you are.

So Sasquatch joins the party,kills off some kids,others do not really notice.I mean its just 10 feet tall beast ripping your friends apart,and all you got is “what was that?(A bear,a wolf,Jack the Reaper)

And then blood…and more blood, yada.yada…but wait,one girl,she runs away!Run run you little teenager you!Run for your life! Who does she run in to?YES,sheriff and the crew!Though by now we know he is not much of a help. But he is as cheerful as always.And scientist has a suggestion “we should split up,we will cover more ground” Okay Sarah.Lets spit up,you are so smart.There is murderous beast nearby,but hey.And that is what they do.Good luck.

Now,back to our Charlie friend and his blond wife.They came up with a plan. Charlie being….being what….we don’t know,but being that,he menaged to get his left hand loose from the ties.Now she is supposed to distract the hunters (do whatever it takes). She opts for offering a blowjob and her suggestion is meet with enthusiasm from surviving thug hunter guy assistant.He leaves his shotgun by the tree Charlies is tied to,and well yes,he gets killed by it.

But did I mention Charlie is an asshole?He decides to leave his wife tied in the forest because she was enjoying herself to much when she offered blowjob to the hunter guy?As they agreed.And oh,it is cheaper to leave her to the Sasquatch then to divorce her.

Cosmic justice comes in the form of boss hunter who emerges from the trees shooting him.So what,are you telling me that SHE is the survivor here? Didn’t see that coming,Ill tell you that. Boom,what,Sasquatch appears...lets run around a little,and lets fire a shot, just so that our sheriff can scream LETS GO! Cause,you know,he heard it. Sarah emerges from the bushes alone and distraught.You know,the beast killed her assistant.

Hunter guy runs away finding a house or something,blond wife finds sheriff and his posse.Sheriff is confused but determined (love him)and wait, beacuse Charli is still alive he decides that some more splitting up is due,his troopers are supposed to call in the choper and he and Sarah are supposed to…I dont know,my head hurts. But they find the house cotage thing,and OH NO WHAT?Sarah?You are not the scientist,you are…something ellse?NO!

Sarah was hunting the hunter,not the Sasquatch.How cool is that?Hunting the hunter?And oh,she killed her assistant,for no particular reason.And now she is calling in.To who? And wait a minute,where is Frank Stallone?Is he a blond girl?Is he asasquatch? Its almost the end of the movie.Sheriff and hunter guy are fighting,or something,and Sarah saves the day (night,morning,what is this,I cant tell with this mode) but then she brakes the sheriffs neck .(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LIKED HIM). No biggie,just snap.Ohhhh she must be…..what?I don’t know.A soldier,an agent,paladin?

Hey,whatever happened to Charlie,his wife and the cops? Sasquatch that’s what.With that out of our way lets go once again to the cabin to end this shit. ENTER FRANK STALLONE

 

That’s who she called. After all these years…finally he found him,the bastard who killed his son.His son was a hero and he was killed by this coward.Our hunter guy was once frst in command in this war you know,and Stallone Jr. was under him. Junior refused to follow orders,cruel orders,so he was killed.This is revenge.

And Sarah,well she walks around the forest triumphantly,and she stumbles upon,not one,but a bunch of sasquach (sasquaches?)Oh no.Guess towns drunk was right.

So who does survive this.Stallone does.Thats nice.Roberta does,and the girl from the party.Not my picks but i do not complain.How could I,the movie is over, I’m fucking happy with anything as long as it ended.

Judging by the openning credits imagery ,thug war at the beginning,mulltiple bigfoots(bigfeet?),hunters,live bate and some shots,I could say(dare I say?) that Dog soldiers was an inspiration behind this one.Is it possible that Prior and Fabio saw Dog soldiers?

And I’m sorry but Fabio Soldiani sounds so fabulous.I imagine his hair blowing in the wind.I can forgive him this script with a name like that.That’s probably how how he gets his jobs.This script is shit,but his name is Fabio Soldani.I want to be friends with Fabio Soldani. (but then I want to be friends with Ted Prior and Frank Stallone.Guys if you ever need survivor girl,hit me up.As long as it is written by Fabio Soldani)

Can’t have Sasquatch without sass!