Posts Tagged ‘Ted Prior’

The Immortalizer aka Dr. Divine (1990)

Posted: 30/10/2017 in Trash movies
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Now, The Immortalizer is one of those rare B-movies that actually has a great basic set– up with  tons  of potential (even thou it did exist before, at least since the The Atomic Brain) but movie makers (veteran Joel Bender, editor on Power Ranger: The Movie) never got to actually follow it trough. What we got instead was a mess of a movie that follows a crazed doctor and his endless brain- swithings procedures,  often  with a hilarious results– a film like that would feel more at home among the SF movies of the 50’s. It would have been interesting to see what would have someone like Carpenter, author with a clear vision  done on the same budget with the same basic idea, but that’s not to say we didn’t have tons of fun with what we got, ’cause we sure did.

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Who wouldn’t trust a man with a face like this?

The movie starts with a Dr. Divine (Ron Ray) with a crazed look in his eyes injecting the screaming blonde woman with green, florescent liquid (where have I seen this before). Remember this, ’cause it will be (semi) important later.

We now jump to a couple of high- school students (brothers Gregg and Darrell) having fun with their dates (movie and pizza).  They can’t really come to an agreement which one get to sleep with which of the ladies but unfortunately for them they don’t make it that far anyway- not by a long shot!  They should have known that going straight into a dark alley is never a good idea, especially if you’re in a horror movie!

Now you would expect some kind of criminal or a junkie to attack them but no- it’s actually a monster? Some sort of zombies jacked up on steroids!? Man, I would shit my pants too If I ever saw something like that. Even the regular living death can be enough trouble as it is ,not to mention these obviously performance enhanced ones! Now good for them, police actually hears them and shows up (well, just one  cop but still)- but to no avail! All four of them end up kidnapped- cop didn’t even get to be that lucky, zombies throw him onto a brick wall and henchmen then proceed to decapitate him with the wheels of their van (man, that’s a nasty way to go).

Darell wakes up in the private hospital with the rest of the gang still sedated. He hides in the corner hoping no one will notice him. That doesn’t really work out.  Then when he finally runs for it he manages to alert half of the patients. He finally manages to escape by  jumping out a window and for some reason he tries hiding in the car of one of the doctors. He ends up up in a scrap with that doctors and the security too but he makes it out and jogs straight for the Sheriff ‘s Office. He may be dumb as f*@k but Gregg is in great shape.

Unfortunately for him the Sheriff’s Office is completely empty (I’m sure there are regulations against just that) so he calls the Sheriff the only way he knows how- by throwing stones and activating the alarm!? Man, he’s dumb- for sure there’s an easier way to do this. Sheriff then arrives with a record timing. He concludes the only logical thing– that the boy is on drugs and forces Gregg to spend a night in a jails cell. Man, this is really not his night.

Finally the Sheriff arrives to the sheriff’s station? Did he have a more important place to be?

In the morning the Sheriff finally listens to him and he  takes him to Dr. Divine’s place where they deny everything. Desperate Gregg manages to dupe the Sheriff and he runs away again. He then proceeds to recruit the old lady from the Dr. Devine‘s neighborhood (I guess she always suspected something). And you shouldn’t underestimate that lady- the  amount on weaponry she has in her place is unbelievable! 

Now, we see Dr’s goons playing with the zombies and they are christening the newest one Quinnie. Not only is this hulk of a woman the same lady from the beginning she is actually played by a minor celebrity- Bodybuilder and American Gladitator: Zap–Raye Hollitt She is also interestingly a former wife of our WM alumni Ted Prior (Deadly Prey, The Final Sanction, Aerobicide).

Head Nurse is jealous and she desperately wants the body of the redhead that was promised to the rich,  irritating grandma. She even went as far as to “damage” her just so she can keep her. Bodies seem to be nothing but kid’s toys to these king of people.

In the end the rich old lady is beyond herself with joy (even though she got a blonde replacement and not original  redhead she wanted). Also we have to note that she kept her old woman’s voice even in this new body. How is that possible- I have no idea!

Now grandma infiltrates the compound but then the goons fuck things up by electrocuting zombies and the whole hell breaks loose.  Nurse uses opportunity to cheat on her husband with another Dr. this one. In the meantime the head nurse is cheating on her husband Dr.Divine with another doctor  who looks a bit like current president of USA Donald Trump.

Hilariously when Gregg finally catches Dr. Divine he is no longer he– you see he switch brains with the young Dr. and in this moment we really have no idea who’s who– and who has his original brain in the original body.

Fighting his way out of the house Gregg manages to save the redhead but Dr. meets his destiny via zombie and meatgrinder- nasty as it gets. But what happened to our  benevolent Dr. Divine you might ask? Well, three months later we see him (in his young man’s body and his old man’s voice) welcoming another client so I guess for his- it’s business as usual.

Verdict: Interesting thing to note, highly acclaimed Horror by Jordan Peelee Get Out uses the same “transfer of the brain” The Immortalizer set up, abelt with more of a social commentary and with a lot more attention to detail (it actually manages to sell its fantastical medical procedure to the viewers) and that showed just how great the idea really is- if you can make it work. But like they say- the devil is in the detail.

 

This movie in the nutshell

And despite all the parallels with the Gordon/ Yuzna franchise (glowing, green liquid we’re looking at you) the good Doctor aka Jeffrey Combs himself would have actually been perfect casting for this movie. His dead pen yet quirkie delivery would have elevated this kind of material into something a lot more meaningful. Unfortunately we are left with Ron Ray as a Doctor and he is fun but nothing more than that. But you never know what they’re going to remake next- so there might still be a chance.

 

 

Night Claws aka Apex Predator (2012)

Posted: 23/06/2016 in Trash movies
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Night-Claws-Header

I don’t know about you,but I’ve never found Bigfoot to be scary.Not many people do. David A. Prior set out to change that. Hence this cinematic masterpiece that exploded in our faces.And his too presumably.

What we’ve got here is a creature feature,horror pic, set in a cousy town of Morningside.We open with two teenagers getting it down,the girl looking pretty underwhelmed by the experience.This unfortunate affair (that will turn even more unfortunate) is taking place in a car,in the woods.There is only one way this could end.

So the girl hears something.“Don’t worry,it must be a bear,or a wolf or something” he consoles her.That’s what every girl in the forest wants to hear.I know I would.”A bear,a wolf,Jack the reaper,nothing to worry about here”

They continue,but then some CGI glass is broken as he gets dragged outside of the car by our monster.Bad sex is punishable by death,death by Sasquatch.Take note. Every time you don’t satisfy a girl,a jock somewhere gets killed by a sasquatch. She is not about to let him go without a fight,so she grabs onto his legs,resulting in his feet getting ripped off.

Night Claws.mp4_000099680Foot-feet,get it?Big foot…feet..so funny

Outside of the car,he gets  molded.A bit too extreme.She tries to start the car,but that never works in any movies,especially bad ones.She doesn’t have her priorities straight (priorities,Prior,get it…hilarious) as she emerges from the car somehow dressed.And gets molded. This leads us to painfully long opening credits,consisting mostly of Ted Prior And Frank Stallone.Wait Stalone is in this?YAS. We are then greeted with body parts scattered around the forest on the warm day as cheerful cops are trying their best to look disgusted and shaken.We meet our fabulous sheriff.Fake it till you make it type,which seems to work for him,because somehow,he seems to be taken seriously by the townsfolk and his colleagues alike.

There is a lady cop on the scene too. He has an ex wife.They have the hots for each other.It would have been cute if there weren’t dead teenagers scattered about. How could this be?Who could have done this?WHAT could have done this? “Call Zooes,museums,universities” If I was a cop and had two dead kids on my hands,I would call a museum too.

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But who could be there hiding in the bushes? This hunter guy and his two merry assistants.One presumably Albanian.They are the ones hiding in the bushes.Surrounded by cops and loaded with weapons.You know,just bush diving.And they are here to hunt down the beast.They will stop at nothing,they fear nothing.Spoiler-they all die.

We need more cast.We need  more bodies.Oh good,we are introduced to our campers.Not so young young  campers.Not so enthusiastic,out of place campers lead by tough survivalist Sharon.Its a three day adventure no one but her wants to be on.We have two married couples,and we are informed that third one bailed out.Lucky bastards.We have a worried guy.He must die.And we have his plain wife.She must die.And then we have the man himself Ted Prior,but he is kind of an asshole,so he must die.And finally we have his blond dumb wife.She must die first.Sharon is here to survive.And she is down for this forest shit.I mean she eats it up.We just might see her fistfight the beast.Throw in an armbar (clawbar) in there too.

Night Claws.mp4_000606720We are so acting

Night Claws.mp4_000627440 Look we have a tamagotchi in the case of trouble

Now all this calls for sexy female scientist,dead set to take part in the hunt,and her nerdy gay assistant.Who must die. Blond busty scientist,Sarah, arrives in the Sheriff’s office,and lady cop, Roberta is not pleased.I mean really? Bitch please.Get your claws of mah man.We are used to scientists not having budgets or power, they are struggling to MAKE PEOPLE SEE,but not this one.She has ,like, a president on speed dial.And she knows just what killed these kids.How?Who the fuck knows. And if they don’t want military on their asses,they will let her tag along.

Where first?To the morgue! At the morgue they meet an acting gem,Dr-MR Hopper.He and sexy Sarah seem to see eye to eye.It was a beast,10 feet tall beast.No one or nothing else could have done that. A man?What a joke.A bear?No?Big foot?Seems feasible. And you know who knows all about this Bigfoot fellow?Towns drunk.

Night Claws.mp4_001706720This man knows stuff!

Sarah and her assistant friend go and see him,they buy him beer,the only currency he accepts.And he tells them the story about how Bigfoot tried to kill him.And that other time when Bigfoot wanted to fuck him.No biggie. And oh,there is more than one. He missed to tell them that aliens also tried to fuck him.Talking about bad karma.He probably gets catcalls from Goblins all the time. Back to our campers. Engage the night mode.

Night Claws.mp4_001949960Night Mode engaged!

Seriously,this movie has one of the worst night modes in cinematic history.You can see its clearly day and in some scenes you can see dark blob in down left corner of the screen.What is that? Didn’t clean the camera lens?Used dirty X ray to film this? What did you do?Tell me! Tell meeee!

So,the night falls and the beast is in full beast mode,as it kills Sharon in a” Surprise bitches mode.”Wait what,Sharon?Oh okay…maybe they want to show us these unexpirienced people fending for themselves in the forest. Then plain woman is dead.Then her husband.Wait,the order is all messed up here.Oh well,that’s…fresh. Our Charlie,who has mostly one line (Shut up Sandy) has a gun btw,and will not let anyone stand in his way.Not even his wife. Asshole. Something worth mentioning is that our beast has style when it comes to killing,i t likes to waltz in the scene as seen here,when it kills plains woman’s husband,or it likes to walk up to its victims from behind letting them do that “Its right behind me isn’t it” thing.

But hey,Charlie and his blond wife make it out of the night.Hunters are on their trail.And in the town,well,our sheriff faces yet another problem and is as cheerful about it as about everything else.He learns that Sharon took party of four “on one of her little survival trips”,and some trigger happy towns folk are gathering to do what they do best.Shoot things and avenge teenagers. We cant have that! And he actually manages to stop them from going in to the woods.I cant believe he accomplished something.One task down,one more to go.Go and find our happy campers.Who tags along?Scientist does.That can not go wrong.

Now we see our new group of town jocks,driving and drinking,going to have a little party in the forest.They have somehow managed to live in a tiny town,and not know that two of their friends have been mutilated the night before,and in that same forest may I add.Okay we were informed its summertime and there is pumpkin festival coming,its major,and the last thing the town needs is that kind of publicity (I would think the last thing a town needs is dead kids,or killer on the loose,but don’t ask me) but you would know,OKAY?I mean there was a mob gathering (infront of sheriffs office just so you know) to kill the beast,but you don’t know anything?

Night Claws.mp4_002745120 Local idiot

But oh goodie,they bump in to police road block and our merry sheriff,who has by now singled himself as my favorite character.Police is bloking the road,they are going to live..Sheriff will make sure that these kids with alcohol and attitude get home safely,and NOT proceed.Right?Wrong.Yep,they are going to die.Thanx sheriff. “There is something going on here,and i cant talk about it right now (because pumpkin festival is more important to this town then you kids) but its not safe for ether one of you to be outhere in the woods tonight.“That should do the trick.No?Well,he tried.

Hey wait,weren’t you supposed to be looking for those campers sheriff?

Ah that’s why you left and left the road open?Yes,yes I get it,proceed. Back to Charlie and his wife.Hunters finally caught up with them,and Charlie kills one,crushing his wind pipe with a mighty punch.Who are you Charlie?

Night Claws.mp4_002950520 You wanna piece of me?

 

But he is kept alive by our remaining hunters,because they need-Live bait. To be continued. We have a carnage to get to. A forest party.Yes,they decide to make out,boys,girls,what else would you do in a movie? Surprisingly no boobs are seen,is this B movie I’m watching?I’m pleasantly surprised, I know I know…Most guys came to see these movies for the boobs,soft porn and abuse.You,yes you,I know who you are.

So Sasquatch joins the party,kills off some kids,others do not really notice.I mean its just 10 feet tall beast ripping your friends apart,and all you got is “what was that?(A bear,a wolf,Jack the Reaper)

And then blood…and more blood, yada.yada…but wait,one girl,she runs away!Run run you little teenager you!Run for your life! Who does she run in to?YES,sheriff and the crew!Though by now we know he is not much of a help. But he is as cheerful as always.And scientist has a suggestion “we should split up,we will cover more ground” Okay Sarah.Lets spit up,you are so smart.There is murderous beast nearby,but hey.And that is what they do.Good luck.

Now,back to our Charlie friend and his blond wife.They came up with a plan. Charlie being….being what….we don’t know,but being that,he menaged to get his left hand loose from the ties.Now she is supposed to distract the hunters (do whatever it takes). She opts for offering a blowjob and her suggestion is meet with enthusiasm from surviving thug hunter guy assistant.He leaves his shotgun by the tree Charlies is tied to,and well yes,he gets killed by it.

But did I mention Charlie is an asshole?He decides to leave his wife tied in the forest because she was enjoying herself to much when she offered blowjob to the hunter guy?As they agreed.And oh,it is cheaper to leave her to the Sasquatch then to divorce her.

Cosmic justice comes in the form of boss hunter who emerges from the trees shooting him.So what,are you telling me that SHE is the survivor here? Didn’t see that coming,Ill tell you that. Boom,what,Sasquatch appears...lets run around a little,and lets fire a shot, just so that our sheriff can scream LETS GO! Cause,you know,he heard it. Sarah emerges from the bushes alone and distraught.You know,the beast killed her assistant.

Hunter guy runs away finding a house or something,blond wife finds sheriff and his posse.Sheriff is confused but determined (love him)and wait, beacuse Charli is still alive he decides that some more splitting up is due,his troopers are supposed to call in the choper and he and Sarah are supposed to…I dont know,my head hurts. But they find the house cotage thing,and OH NO WHAT?Sarah?You are not the scientist,you are…something ellse?NO!

Sarah was hunting the hunter,not the Sasquatch.How cool is that?Hunting the hunter?And oh,she killed her assistant,for no particular reason.And now she is calling in.To who? And wait a minute,where is Frank Stallone?Is he a blond girl?Is he asasquatch? Its almost the end of the movie.Sheriff and hunter guy are fighting,or something,and Sarah saves the day (night,morning,what is this,I cant tell with this mode) but then she brakes the sheriffs neck .(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LIKED HIM). No biggie,just snap.Ohhhh she must be…..what?I don’t know.A soldier,an agent,paladin?

Hey,whatever happened to Charlie,his wife and the cops? Sasquatch that’s what.With that out of our way lets go once again to the cabin to end this shit. ENTER FRANK STALLONE

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That’s who she called. After all these years…finally he found him,the bastard who killed his son.His son was a hero and he was killed by this coward.Our hunter guy was once frst in command in this war you know,and Stallone Jr. was under him. Junior refused to follow orders,cruel orders,so he was killed.This is revenge.

And Sarah,well she walks around the forest triumphantly,and she stumbles upon,not one,but a bunch of sasquach (sasquaches?)Oh no.Guess towns drunk was right.

Night-Claws-14

So who does survive this.Stallone does.Thats nice.Roberta does,and the girl from the party.Not my picks but i do not complain.How could I,the movie is over, I’m fucking happy with anything as long as it ended.

Judging by the openning credits imagery ,thug war at the beginning,mulltiple bigfoots(bigfeet?),hunters,live bate and some shots,I could say(dare I say?) that Dog soldiers was an inspiration behind this one.Is it possible that Prior and Fabio saw Dog soldiers?

And I’m sorry but Fabio Soldiani sounds so fabulous.I imagine his hair blowing in the wind.I can forgive him this script with a name like that.That’s probably how how he gets his jobs.This script is shit,but his name is Fabio Soldani.I want to be friends with Fabio Soldani. (but then I want to be friends with Ted Prior and Frank Stallone.Guys if you ever need survivor girl,hit me up.As long as it is written by Fabio Soldani)

sherrie-rose-on-set-of-night-claws-large-pictureCan’t have Sasquatch without sass!

Worse News: Relentless Justice Trailer!

Posted: 27/02/2014 in Worse News
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Deadliest Prey (2013) is still red hot but David A Prior is at it AGAIN! It turns out he made two films back to back, first being the fables Deadly Prey sequel and the next one being possibly even more intriguing Relentless Justice. Yes, the title evokes a “Seagal’s revenge thriller” (practically a genre of it’s own at this point) and that is not too far from the truth, but the revenging is done here by a lovely lady Leilani Sarelle (Basic Instinct). The rest of the cast is also more than impressive, having veterans like Eric Roberts (Runaway Train, The Dark Knight and everything in between), epitome of awesomeness Mr. Wernon Wells (Commando, Mad Max: The Road Warrior),  Sherrie Rose (Tales from the Crypt, Unlawful Entry), Lisa Lanloia, Tara Kleinpeter and of course Ted Prior (Priors always come in twos).

465721_446676465360564_1563110891_oTurn away, nothing to see here!

The Plot: Former Australian Intelligence operative Victoria Dev Ries (Leilani Sarelle), lives a quiet life in suburban America where as a single mother she raises her only daughter and trains fighters in her own M.M.A. gym. But when her daughter (Mimi Michaels) goes on a camping trip and fails to return, she is forced to go back into action. It would seem that a handful of people, including the Mayor and his girlfriend (Vernon G. Wells & Lisa Langlois) and Sheriff (David Campbell) along with a handful of others have a rather strange hobby. They like to hunt people for fun. And they are rather good at it, but when it comes down to hunting Victoria, they need help and so they bring in another former Intelligence operative, Joe Mangine (Mark Rolston) to balance the scales for them. But this may not be enough because for Victoria the only justice she knows is Relentless Justice.

460558_446673925360818_514048331_oShe made a promise to kill him last… she lied!

Enjoy the trailer and we’ll update you on the release date as soon as we find out. Good to see Prior Bros. firing on all cylinders!

For more information like he official Relentless Justice page on facebook- https://www.facebook.com/pages/Relentless-Justice/378610885500456

Deadliest Prey (2013)

Posted: 20/02/2014 in Trash movies
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One of the main reasons our blog/website exists is David A Prior’s Deadly Prey. That’s one of those rare movies that pushed us from being aficionados to professionally reviewing movies. So it’s only natural that we would celebrate the day we got long gestating sequel (shot almost 30 years after the part 1) in our mail.And now among the first (our fantastic colleagues from Action Elite were little faster) you can read everything about the Deadliest Prey.

Movie starts with Colonel Hogan, ruthless ex- military officer walking up in sweat. He dreamt of Mike Danton, again. Obviously he’s been doing that for the better part of 25 years. Guard informs him he’s got to get his shit together ’cause he’s getting out in 30 minutes. He is then picked up by a hot redhead, ovbiasly a fan.

In the meantime little blond boy wakes up his father, ’cause it’s time to throw the thrash… then we find out that he’s father is none other than unstoppable Mike Danton! Denton doesn’t seem too thrilled by his chore but he asks for coffee and does it anyway. Unfortunately it turns out that the years haven’t made him invulnerable to his one lone weakness- taking out the thrash sneak attack! And before you know it Denton is stunned and packed like a sack of potatoes. Movie cuts to the unlikely trio of hackers gets bored with their video game life and surfing the net find the mysterious stream of man hunting. And we can all guess who’s the man being hunted can’t we? Denton stands face to face with his old nemesis- and game is all set to go. Denton takes a minute to promise swift death to all but Hogan (who he promise a slow, painful one) and as Hogan screams “now you run, son of a bitch” the hunt is finally on!

Hogan is also seemingly  in cahoots with shady internet businessmen- so he earns money from the manhunt stream and also hunts Denton (theoretically) killing two birds with one stone. Denton starts disposing the mercenaries one at the time… and instructed by his previous experience decides to steal a pair of pants, and some nice boots too!

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_000797379“I’m not doing this shit barefoot again”

And when Denton get’s into a groove you better watch out. Armed mostly with a just a pocket size knife he starts casing mayhem on (surprisingly young and agile) group of would be mercenaries. Hogan doesn’t seem to bothered with this (I guess he plans on having a stream on for some hours) and also suddenly realizes he hasn’t gotten laid in almost 30 years. So he grabs his second in command redhead military chick (played by Tara Kleinpeter) and goes inspecting the troops (haven’t heard that one before).

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_001175591“I don’t want to be disturbed for the next 15 minutes or so”

Surprisingly, Ted Prior looks good as an older, more chiseled Denton. Gone is the look of surf- boy bodybuilder replaced with a more “no bullshit” Clint Eastwood attitude. He dismantles everything they send after him leaving just one survivor with a message to Hogan. Hogan receives the message right away (it seems he didn’t last the full 15 minutes) but doesn’t seem too thrilled. In fact he rewards his soldier by shooting him point blank. And then things get really interesting- Fritz Matthews  is back as Thorton’s twin brother  ( by pure happstinance because someone from his church pointed towards something David wrote about him on his blog and decided to hit him up after 25 years ) and he’s not happy about Denton cutting his brothers arm and then beating him ’till death with it.

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_002059182

In the meantime Danton is making friends, it turns out his old war buddy Kaplan is one of the mercenaries (sound familiar?). After a little bit of fist fighting Kaplan decides that he can’t go on with it- and offers to help Danton out. Denton seemingly disappears from Hogan’s eyes aka cameras but that just pisses him off and he decides to lead a hunting party himself (backed by Thorton ofc). He also shoots a couple of internet entrepreneurs that helped him set everything up- just because. After an introverted moment or a two in which he thinks about his family Denton returns to doing what he does best- wrecking everything on his sight. But he didn’t count on Lt. Thorton (part 2) and soon it finds himself captured and gagged.

Hogan interrogates him for a bit- and describes all the torturing he means to deliver and I must say David Campbell has grown more manic with time. Redhead Sophia then takes her turn seemingly jealous of the all attention Hogan is giving him. As soon as she’s gone, Kaplan shows up and frees Danton and they make daring escape… BY BLOWING SHIT UP!

Unfortunately Kaplan dies and it seems that Denton will meet the same fate… when the deadly trio of ridiculous hackers picks him up (’cause they managed to tracked down the source of the feed). Now, Danton can finally reunite with his family and everything will be OK. Unfortunately family is not home! Being a strategical genius Lt. Hogan send his mercenaries to kidnap his wife just in case and Denton is met with deadly Sophie finally ready to deliver on her treats. Denton does what he generally does with women he doesn’t like- he back fists her and shoots her all kinds of dead.

Then it’s time to suit up and go into one last battle. He armors himself for the special occasion .And even his daisy dukes make a special appearance.

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_003539494

He starts off with some old school traps and continues with stealth slicing and dicing. After the first trap- bomb goes off he ditches the stealth mode and adopts more straight forward Rambo approach.The last bargaining chip Hogan’s got is Danton’s wife. Unfortunately for him that doesn’t last for long. Hogan finally looses it and orders Thorton to off the woman. So it seems they’ll be two for two in Denton’s wife killing business. But not- someone shot Thorton in the shoulder and that’s a wild card- Denton Jr. who sneaked out on hacker bunch and decided to help out his dad.

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_004220549Chip of the old block

Then the original Denton jumps in and let’s just say some are end up flying in the process. Just before a final showdown between Denton and Hogan the trio of hackers shows up… and they die. Denton proves harder to kill- one of his ultimate traps finally pays of a Hogan ends up disemboweled. The End.

Verdict: Even though this movie is even more low budget affair than the original Priors actually managed to improve on the original in some ways. The copied   the structure of the original completely – tweaked it just enough so it flows more natural. Also the fact is Ted Prior is no longer muscle bound hot-head but actually a capable actor and that changes things up. Now don’t get me wrong- Prior can be as corny as it gets when he needs to be but now he’s got that Eastwood ironic detachment that makes things even more hilarious. Also- David Campbell is hitting an all time high, in this movie- this is one of my favorite madman ever caught on screen. But most of all  this movie has an incredible “blast from the past” vibe to it and it brings back all the B-movie all out action trashiness that seems incredibly fresh in today’s PG-13 ultra- budget centered industry. Anyway, the years haven’t hurt Priors at all. Now I just hope to see Prior Bros. fallow this up with a couple more trademark action romps that they’re known for (and a nice slasher in old school Sledgehammer/ Aerobicide style wouldn’t hurt too).

Trivia: David A Prior when asked about a possible Deadly Prey 3, gave free rains to his nephew to make a Deadly Prey: Next Generation as soon as he’s 18. I wouldn’t be surprised if that actually happens, the kid has the making of the action star.

Note #01 (Un)fortunately we don’t have any recent nude photos of Ted Prior.

Note #02 WM Crew would also like to thank PRIOR BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT for providing us with DVD for review in such short notice. Class acts all the way.

Worse News: Deadliest Prey Trailer!

Posted: 19/09/2013 in Worse News
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We have something awesome for you, you guesed it, the new Deadliest Prey trailer– straight from the Prior Bros.

…and when you’re done with that something even better. You can now officially pre-order the movie right here and if you pre-order before November 1 you get your DVD signed by Mike Denton himself, Mr. Ted Prior! Don’t miss the chance of the lifetime!.

http://www.deadliestprey.com/ordering.php

The Final Sanction (1990)

Posted: 27/08/2013 in Trash movies
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In one of the most intriguing AIP (Action Internacional Pictures), Prior produced film The Final Sanction after heavy nuclear exchange Russia and USA decide to settle their differences the old fashion way, by locking two soldiers (each representing their respective country) in mortal combat. Fun and interesting premise that does shine despite many bloopers and shoestring budget.

The movie starts as expected with a mish- mash of military archive footage (and one of the NASA’s rocket launching for a good measure) and we are see that the Cold War has gotten a lot hotter.Then camera pulls back to the meeting in some kind of church in  Geneva. After reaching an agreement we are transported to prison facilities where the braves and boldest of the Americans fights with a big fat man… and gets beaten for the most part before jumping on his back in effort to perform some gay- ass version of Rear Naked Choke. Fight ends soon enough via some cowboy style uppercuts and finishing headbutt. The victor is of course Ted Prior himself ( Deadly Prey, Aerobicide).

He doesn’t get to enjoy his victory much as the guards grab him and take him to get “procedure” done. He panics but it’s already too late. We learn that he is incarcerated for the murder of his commanding officer and his fellow soldiers. In the meantime we have the ultimate Russian war machine (nope, not Dolph Lundgren even better) Sergei played by the almighty Chin himself- Robert Z’Dar getting ready for his crucial mission. He is practicing by throwing mini- spades on targets, I’m not sure what’s the point of this but it’s hilarious! Later he ends up in some kind of Virtual Reality on maximum level so they can test his dedication to Mother Russia to the limit. And yes, he also kills his psychologist because his lieutenant said so.

Spade Power!

On the other side PrIor aka Sargent Botanick wakes up to find a woman speaking in southern twang right in his head- yes, the procedure implanted the chip right in his brain so he can be reagulary updated with information and kept in check. He nearly goes insane but after they bring  him  some cheeseburgers and fries agrees to fight to his county. He also gets a presidential pardon but that’s not important as the food. His old “friend” Ross shows up to threaten him, incredibly jealous because he didn’t get the job. They have an extremely homosexual war of words in which Botanick replies to his “fuck you” with “anytime”. Ah, the soldiers these days… Anyway he starts getting into the groove realy fast and starts calling his commander officer dragonlady (it makes no sense really to call a southern lady that way but it’s funny so I support it).

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Soldiers get ready, Rambo style with loud synthesizer music in the background and we’re set to go. The conflict of the two worlds most powerful nations  will be solved in… battle arena “Zulu” in Virginia- I expected something more neutral but what the hell! Botanick starts making his old school traps in the forest (see Deadly Prey) but falls prey to the Russian’s surprise attack- combination of mini- spade and then machine gun with explosive rounds. He somehow survives the ordeal but looses Sergei’s signal (it seems Russians have a few more aces up their sleeves. Dragonlady tries desperately to locate the Russian but finds she’s already too late. Sergei jumps from the tree and for some reason drops his gun to finish Prior with a spade with fantastically passionate line “This is konec” (soon to become my favorite one- liner). But Botanick’s traps finally prove handy and an explosion saves his life.

Botanic spends the night in the forsaken facility all the while hitting on the dragonlady and also reveals to her that he was framed for the murders. Tender scene is stopped just in time, with gunfire. They keep shooting and chasing one another some time and Russian finally gets close somewhere around the morning, close like in- with a mini- spade of course! I’m thinking of getting one after watching this movie. Prior again defies certain death but ends up wounded and unable to run. He still finds a time to rig the whole place (and even put a little smiley face on the floor)  but Russian comes back like a goddamn soviet terminator.

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Russian general tries to get in touch with Sergei to update his orders but he decides to ignore him, irritated by being almost burn alive. Next thing you know Botanic is startled from the back by Ross, the same dude that was so jealous of him. Turns out he was jealous of him for a mighty long time ’cause he set him up and got him thrown in the jail 5 years ago. And just when his death seems inevitable Sergei puts a spade through his back. So it’s finally time, Botanic and Sergei one on one without weapons each one refusing to block the other’s punches. Russian seems to be made  of stone (especialy he’s balls) but American doesn’t know the meaning of the word GIVE UP. After beating the hell out of each other they make peace.

...and then it turns out that they would both die no mater what courtesy of a back deal made by their respective governments. They escape final explosion of the movie and then find their respective generals together reaching an agreement. They expose them, arrest them and then finally Prior gets a date with the dragonlady and Sergei gets diplomatic immunity. They ask him what kind of women he likes, so they can arrange a double date and  Z’Dar joyfully proclaims “SERGEI LIKE ALL GIRLS” and credits roll.

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004704400…and they all lived happily ever after!

Verdict: Even though I would call Aerobicide AIP’s  most successful film (creatively as well as financially) it was mostly a horror flick and from their long list of hard core
(and more often than not ridiculous) action movies this one sticks out like a sore thumb ( but in the good way)! Definitely worth a watch!

Worse News: Deadliest Prey ends production!

Posted: 21/02/2013 in Worse News
Tags: , , , ,
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After some delays in production and an unsuccessful attempt of gathering finances for the project via Kickstarter fabled sequel to the most ridiculous Rambo rip-off ever is finally nearing completion (see under Deadly Prey). Skeptical at first after numerous pleas from the producer Fabio Soldani director of the original (and many other B- Action/Horror/ SF movies) David A Prior finally decided to give it a go one more time- with his brother and partner in crime Ted Prior also back, reprising his role of blond, mullet wearing, indestructible Vietnam vet Mike Denton!  Also back for the ride are  as incredibly evil Lt. Hogan and Fritz Matthews as Thorton (last seen without a hand and a scalp with the help of our favorite super- soldier Denton). We also have some additions to the franchize, most notably stunning brunet Tara Kleinpeter as deadly mercenary Sophia. Here are some pics to tickle your imagination until first (and probably the last) trailer comes around!

Mike Denton, never did like being captured by woman. Man on the other hand…

With a brand new arm, shooting better than ever!

Denton, back at doing what he does best.

Will this finally be the end of sadistic Lt. Hogan? Well if disemboweling doesn’t get him there’s always old age…

Verdict: It took him 25 years but Danton will finally have his revenge! And we’ll be there to see it (and review it), hell-yeah!

Aerobicide aka Killer Workout (1987)

Posted: 23/11/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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Film starts with music from Halloween mixed up with a dance beat. Very disturbing. We see one hot chick preparing for getting a color in solarium. She puts her clothes off, lays inside the device and starts working her tan. Suddenly, device gets closed like a clam trapping her inside! Big fire starts inside the chamber (?!) and solarium becomes a crematorium!!! Result of that is one really HOT chick!!! Next scene is instantly switching us to the “Rhonda’s workout”. That’s the name of the place where accident had happened. Actually, it was “Second Sun” tanning salon and fried chick named Valerie was it’s owner. Rhonda turned out to be her twin sister (that’s a surprise) who took over a place 5 years later in order to make fitness salon.
A lot of good looking girls (and one fat guy) are inside doing something that looks like erotic aerobic (or some retarded MTV video for that matter). But the main girl (Jaimy) is late. She is fitness instructor. We see her leaving her car in a hurry on a parking lot. In haste she drops her purse, having spilled enough condoms for entire army which clearly shows us that she is a slut. She went straight to Rhonda passing by some big-muscles-small-brain guy (Tom) who was trying to hit on her. Rhonda was really pissed off by the fact that she had to hold Jaimy’s class instead of doing her business books.

Moment after, we are under showers where handsome black chick (Rachael) is washing herself. But someone is sneaking around. Who could it be? Horny Tom who is hitting on every girl that passes by? Who knows? One thing is for sure – she is going to die!!! The very same moment she turned her face away from the wall she got stroked by very large safety pin!!! Yeah, you heard it well – SAFETY PIN!!! Killer must be the surgeon or something since he managed to hit same neck vein with every fucking swing of safety pin. Rachael bleeds to death and that’s the end of her workout. Couple of minutes later Jaimy is coming to locker room. She hears knocking in one of the lockers. She opens it and false severed arm pops out. Someone tried to make a prank. Angered Jaimy shot a locker doors hard. Now nearby locker gets opened and inside it there is one big black naked corpse. Yeah, that’s the girl from the showers. Jaimy starts screaming and that’s the end of the first chapter.

The murder weapon

Now it’s a time to meet Lt. Morgan, clumsy detective who works on this case. Morgan is sniffing around locker room while paramedics are putting corpse in big white plastic bag (I thought that black one is more traditional, but never-mind that now). It seems that he had found some clue. On the way out he falls on false severed arm prank too. Lt Morgan enters Rhonda’s office to ask her and Jaimy couple of questions. During that time he presented us his sick sense of humor by making a remark that Rachael ain’t pretty no more.

If you see this arm then you are about to discover a corpse

Despite the murder gym is still full of girls who are working out like nothing had ever happened. Jaimy is with them this time . She isn’t late today but that doesn’t matter to Rhonda who gives her a lesson during the class. What a bitch!!! But Rhonda is not without her worries too. She finds another big-muscles-small-brain guy sniffing around her office. That guy is no one else than Ted Prior (Chuck) himself!!! He was sent by Rhonda’s senior partner from San Diego to make sure everything is fine. Rhonda doesn’t look too happy about that. Now back to Chuck. Leaving Rhonda to cool off he went to take out the trash while wearing a tight shorts (Trash dumping in tight pants seems to be some kind of Ted Prior’s trademark) and almost got run over by third big-muscles-no-brain dude named Jimmy. After brief conversation and Jimmy’s warnings to stay away from Rhonda they decided to engage a pretty gay fight. Two guys with big muscles slapping each other like two school-girls is something both funny and disgusting in same time, especially when more mutated disco runs in background. Entire fight was watched by Debbie, a really hot chick who decided to bring the winner home with her. Winner happened to be Chuck and he enjoyed plowing her in the later scene.

Gay Fight!

Meanwhile, at Rhonda’s workout is a real party. Still not bothered by recent murders, chicks are working out and having fun. Jimmy watches them with while they are sweating and rocking even more sexual poses. Eventually, the ugliest one of them approaches and starts flirting with him. Of course, Jimmy rejects her in a very cool way, leaving her on edge of crying out loud (I am sure she has a name but I didn’t bother remembering it). Later that night, we are in her apartment. Maybe Jimmy changed his mind so we are about to see some action? But no, large safety pin strikes again!!! Only one poke was enough for ugly chick to die with the most ridiculous expression on her face. On the other side, Lt. Morgan was bashing her door (I absolutely have no idea how detective deduced that ugly chick is going to be the next victim). During that bashing, killer escaped through the window on the second floor without even a scratch!!! After getting job done, killer went back to his hideout to wash his safety pin like any other sane person would do. If you think that’s the end of the  night you are wrong. DEADLY WRONG!!! Probably finding that death is funny thing, two chicks and some random guy (all 3 members of Rhonda’s workout) sprayed front glass of the gym with words “Aerobicide” and “Death Spa”. Killer must have been pissed off by such vandalism (most probably because he hates crime) and decided to teach them some manners. First one to die was Curtis (the random guy) and he got slaughtered while he was going home with clean large safety pin. Blood was everywhere. For next two victims the killer had decided to upgrade his weapon. Now he is using a knife!!! First girl got her throat slitted while she was standing alone in dark alley, for no apparent reason. Second girl (and 3rd member of vandals) discovered Curtis’s body, started screaming and even reached her car. Like it always happens in such cases car wouldn’t start and killer got her too.

Vandalism is punishable by death!

Following day we see full gym of chicks cheerfully dancing while paramedics are taking off more corpses in background. At male side of gym we see another random guy lifting weights. He gets knocked out by pipe he was lifting. While he lays knocked out killer came in and killed him with one of weights. Couple of minutes later his body has been discovered by his friend who got his brain impaled with killer’s trusty old large safety pin. Death is imminent!!! And all this massacre in broad daylight, with full gym and Ted Prior washing locker room just a couple of meters away!!! And no one noticed anything. At least until the moment when Jaimy came in and started screaming. Chuck heard screams and entered the room with haste. There he found two bodies and Tom (who appeared from nowhere) standing over them. For no apparent reason Ted Prior started with beating Tom!!! Couple of moments later cop had arrived with Lt Morgan leading them. Tom is now in locker room. Suddenly, Jaimy approaches him and soon after we get sex scene. But no ordinary sex scene!!! You see, while Jaimy was on top of him, Tom saw another Tom approaching from behind her and slitting her throat. Then Tom the Killer raised Tom the Plower in order to slaughter him too. A second before that happened Tom got awaken by Lt Morgan. They had brief conversation and detective goes out. 5 seconds after we see close scene of safety pin killing rather large Tom after only one hit???!!! That got to be very special safety pin. Someone called for paramedics again and more bodies had been put into white plastic bags. They are quite busy these days. Girls still aren’t bothered by massive death toll of their fellow gym members nor by often presence of paramedics and their plastic bags.

… and they never seem to stop

After dozen of kills Chuck finally starts to suspect something. Later that night he tries to sneak into Rhonda’s house. There he encounters her trusty watchdog Jimmy and we got ourselves another gay fight. Only this time they use weapons. Jimmy got himself a nice rakes and guess which weapon Ted Prior used? That’s right, a trash can!!! That thing marked his acting career. Hilarious fight ended up with Chuck diving into pool located in the Rhonda’s backyard. Next scene takes us to Rhonda’s house, where we can see beaten up Chuck on couch, Rhonda, Jimmy and Lt. Morgan who had just come by for no reason at all. It turns out that Chuck was sent by Rhonda’s partner to spy on her. In the light of new facts, detective orders Chuck to leave  town and return to San Diego. Same night, but we are back to Rhonda’s workout. Some blond was walking through crime scene in the middle of night like many sane people would do. Suddenly she discovers body of Jaimy, hanging on a rope with her neck slitted. Why would anyone bothered to hang a person who’s neck was previously slitted or vice versa is beyond me. Anyway, a young cop came by and discovered now both Jamiy’s and blonde’s bodies. They haven’t even shown us how blond had died!!!

Paramedics now don’t even bother to leave a place. They just put corpses into bags and throw them onto pile, while waiting for more victims to come. Chicks are now dancing with the “Working out till you die – Aerobicide” song. Right song for right moment it seems. Chuck decided that he had it enough and starts going back to San Diego by foot!!! But Jimmy runs him over with a car and that’s the end of Ted Prior!!! We are thrilled by that fact!!!
Now we are near closing scene. We clearly see detective’s hand ringing the bell of some house. In house there is one bald head with burned up skin in front of mirror. That person takes the wig and puts it onto head. The ring is heard again and person shows us face. It’s Rhonda!!! What a turnover, isn’t it? Lt. Morgan finally realized everything despite the lack of evidences or clues. It turned out that Rhonda and Valerie are same persons. Valerie got her name legally changed. That still doesn’t mean she is killer but Lt. Morgan doesn’t have problems with that. He decides to arrest her despite the fact that he got nothing, He only assumed that Valerie was killing girls because she were jealous on their good looks and bodies. And the fact they can have sex with men unlike her. Detective puts her handcuffs. While taking her to car he got a call in which he has been informed that Jimmy had killed Chuck. He immediately frees Rhonda. After some chasing on construction Jimmy manages to kill detective using only one uppercut and one kick to face.
During one of his night walks through gym, Jimmy enters the locker room and sees Rhonda completely naked, as well as her burned up head, tits and back. The moment she noticed him, she takes revolver from one of the lockers and shoots him. Now she got rid of all possible links to her.
But she only thinks that. Lt. Morgan is still alive!!! Tough old dog!!! We see them next day in a forest. It seems that he forced Rhonda to come with him. He has shovel with him too. After telling her sad story about how his father (also a cop) had died he announced that he know that she is a real killer and that she has to be punished for her crimes. But moment of Morgan’s lack of concentration Rhonda used to hit him with a shovel. Now he is definitely dead!!!
Rhonda regained back her customers after murders were over (not that customers have ever left). All the murders have been pined up (hm “pined up”…that’s a funny word) to unlucky Jimmy. As new girls comes and fill her gym, she looks at her safety pin with a devilish smile.

Verdict: If you think that we are done with Prior brothers then you are badly mistaken. This is just the beginning. Experience we had while watching this movie taught us that there aren’t many things which are more funny than when someone, who probably have never seen real movie, fails even at making a lo-fi slasher. But I’ll admit one thing to David A Prior: for ’80-es he had managed to find several quite hot and good looking chicks. As we all know, ’80-es chicks were disaster at best.

. . .

Deadly Prey (1987)

Posted: 03/11/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
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In the old days when you wanted to see Rambo (1982) you had to go to your local video-store, and if they didn’t have Rambo VHS then you had to settle for the popular Italian rip-off Navajo Thunder (1983), and if you’re really out of luck and somebody already rented Navajo Thunder, well then you’re only choice was The Deadly Prey. This is what happens when you ignore the common sense and take home a 10th rate copy of a film you originally wanted.

       …HE STILL IS

Movie starts with Colonel Hogan, ruthless ex- military officer trains a large group of  would be mercenaries by having them hunt down and kill random people they abduct from the streets of L.A.? In need of new victims they kidnap the blond bodybuilder dude who’s taking out the trash in front of his own house (for some reason) wearing nothing but pair of Daisy Dukes . They easily overcome him and take him to their exercise camp…

Then, whole Hell breaks loose. Ridiculous blond dude is none other than Mike Danton, super- soldier who served in Vietnam.  They let him run, but when they star hunting him he suddenly appears out of nowhere* and kills them one at a time, sometimes using a primitive weapon (tree branch or a rock) and sometimes using nothing but his bare hands.

Hogan’s first in command Thorton (and the most dangerous mercenary- signaled  by a black bodybuilding shirt and aviator glasses) gets frustrated with his men’s performance and kills one of them as a result, then another one. As the movie continues you start to wander are Denton and Thorton competing in number of kills or what?

In the meantime Danton’s idiotic, also blond wife is devastated and instead of calling police like any sane ( or even insane) person on the face of the planet would do she calls her daddy, crazy ex- cop first ( played by a veteran Cameron Mitchell, the only at least little bit capable actor in this- I dare not say- movie). She barely gives any information to her father even though she partially saw  license plates of the kidnappers.

*Let’s just take couple of minutes off and enjoy the killing…

After offing something  like a dozen mercenaries in such creative ways as crashing them with a tree, killing them with a sharp stick, appearing Ala Jason Voorhees from the lake and impaling them on the knife (all the while experiencing some kind of unholy ecstasy ) he  is finally stopped by only capable man in the group Thorton (beware the glasses) and Mike Dentons kryptonite is revealed!!! As it was often in the 80es his only weakness is leg kicks to the head, he just has no defense against their pure awesomeness… and soon enough is THE END OF A STORY for Denton… or is ti?

THE END OF A STORY?

Denton of course finds a way to escape. That includes slapping a female soldier unconscious, in fact a female soldier is the main squeeze for evil Colonel Hogan (but not enough to satisfy his appetites as we’ll find out later). After that he’s making glorious escape, BY THROWING A BOMB IN ONE SOLDIER’S PANTS- curiously after explosion nothing remains – no blood, meat or bone, just his boots, in perfect mint collection state!!! He also destroys a tank right after that, even though it was not on his way.
Then he disappears again…

Faced with no choice, Hogan and co decide to raise up the stakes. They kidnap Denton’s idiotic wife and instead of  using her as a leverage to flush out Denton right away Hogan decides to RAPE HER FIRST!!! WTF? I knew the dude is a messed up war veteran and a mercenary but an all around maniac like that- didn’t  see this one coming!

Anyway her father somehow finds a way into the camp and starts causing a ruckus (even killing a main financier of the operation while lecturing him on social justice and his hard life as a cop) but they capture him and take him to his daughter just in time for the epic dialogue that consists of  flat “What did they do to you hunnie” and uncontrollable childish – I lost my favorite doll- tone response “They raped me Daddy”. I had to take a minute  after this scene not being able to process what I witnessed right away.  After that they even shoot the father!!!

Denton than breaks into armory I guess (?) and has a little confrontation with the lady mercenary. That confrontation ended up being their last. Updated on his wife’s presence he armors up and backed by his old friend from ‘Nam Cooper (who abruptly decided to switch sides, seeing what he did to other mercenaries) starts rescue mission that consists mostly of destroying everything on his way.

Do not engage in dialogue with Mike Denton, he might bitch-slap you into unconsciousness
 and shoot you couple of  times!

So buddies Denton and Cooper free the poor, poor wife, Denton sadistically blows up a dude a the calls it “his calling card” with a smile from ear to ear. Those two seem more like a couple than Danton and his wife but who am I to judge. They hide the girl and start going all gun- ho on the last couple surviving mercenaries. Unfortunately while they were busy playing Thorton (again proving to be superior to every other villain in this movie) captures Jaimy aka Mrs. Denton.
Things soon get wild as the Hogan ends up wounded, Cooper dead… and Thorton decides to off the girl just for the heck of it. Danton looses his shit, throws the gun away and starts slashing with a machete! Thorton misses five time straight from point blank range (?), looses an arm- do to machete and then gets K.O.-ed with that same arm by Danton! Damn!*

Then Danton start acting so crazy that Nick Cage would be afraid of him… He scalps Thorton (while concentration on the sky?) screams like a wounded animal and goes after Hogan. He quickly finds him, the dude is old and wounded- and then yells “Take of your shirt”. At this point I was ready to believe that he wanted to return a favor for raping his wife but he has another idea… he lets him run and prepares to come after him- and closes the circle of completely unnecessary violence with that.

Danton takes revenge for his wife’s death by cutting dude’s arm off with the machete
and then knocks  him out with that same arm?! Damn!

Verdict: What is truly fascinating about this movie is it’s unique ability to completely bypass regular action movie or any kind of movie dramatic structure. There is no three- acts which offer setup, the confrontation and the resolution.Instead they just throw us head first into the ActII (and we have no idea what is going on), after half an hour they make a brief interlude (which explains some things but mostly leaves you confused) , then it’s Act II- Part II with more senseless violence followed by itsy- tiny Interlude  and then Grand Finale that lives you wandering what the hell just happened.  I never experienced anything like this and probably won’t ever again- except if I decide to re-watch the damn thing- and there’s not much chance of that EVER happening.

I think we all learned a valuable lesson here. JUST WATCH RAMBO.

NOT FOR FAINT-HEARTED

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