Posts Tagged ‘Fred Olen Ray’

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Movie starts as promised with a shot of seemingly badass biker on the road, testing his futuristic new bike. Turns out the mysterious biker is none other than legendary Re-Animator  mad scientist Jeffrey Combs!

This scene lasts way too long!

We cut to the local gym where Combs’s girlfriend Terry (Heather Thomas of Zapped) is working out furiously under the watchful eye of her friend and trainer She proceeds to get some “turbo oil” (from Oscar winning old actor Martin Landau! )for her super- scientist boyfriend but some redneck bikers lose their mind over here- I guess they don’t see blonde  aerobic babes all that often (strange ’cause it’s the 80’s). Anyway she shows her Martial Arts prowess and kicks their asses.

Combs seems happy to see her, and gets his oil. She insists they have to go to the Disco club. He reluctantly agrees but in turns forces her, blonde bimbo that she is-  to recite some physics.  That’s some really weird stuff there but it each their own.

I guess it’s something like this for Combs…

He relents and she drags him to the party with some kind of ridiculous hybrid Punk/ Disco band is playing. Unfortunately some crazed Mad Max extras suddenly show up and stab Combs to death. Man, he should have guessed- nothing good ever comes out of Disco music.

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It turns out her boyfriend was secretly working for the government. They hope she can take them to his project so secret that not even the secret service can find it. They follow her but they have no idea that the secret lab was actually in her apartment all along. As she enters message from Combs plays and he entrusts her to the secret of the super- bike the Cyclone,  it’s rockets and lasers included. Only person that can be trusted is mysterious man called Bob Jankings,  her mission is to find him and hand the bike over to him.

So basically her dead boyfriend is trying to get her to risk her own neck too. Being a blonde bimbo that she is- she accepts.

I don’t know why but she drove all night long, I would guess that something as powerful as Cyclone can get her to another city in in mere minutes, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately as they meet, Bob Jenkins, the dude who’s suppose to solve all this mess, gets shot, with a crossbow none the less!!!

 Cyclone is supposedly the cutting edge of the military technology but in reality it looks just like Chuck Norris’s bike in Delta Force.

She does the only thing she can think of, drives over to her gym teacher Carla (Ashley Ferrare). Unfortunately (again) it turns out villains were (again) one step ahead of her. They take Carla hostage and blackmail her into giving the secrets of Cyclone (there’s a ground-breaking power supply called Transformator that is needed to power the bike).

In a shocking twist it turns out one of the agents from the beginning was in fact behind the death of her boyfriend. Somehow it seem that secret service is way less benevolent that previously presumed. They offer her half a million dollars, their chief drives a hard bargain but she refuses. Mad Max character proceeds to torture her, strangely attaching electrical wires to her thighs of all places.

Then we have another double cross, it turns out Carla was on it too! So, I guess everyone in her live is some sort of a secret agent. Then, the only remaining agent not in the warehouse shows up, that’s the lady agent Martine Beswick (former Bond girl and the star of Hammer film’s Dr. Jackyll and Sister Hyde).  She seems to be the only one not on the payroll as she shoots up the place. She shows no mercy and even her old partner ends up on the floor riddled with bullets.

 

She freed herself and got to the bike and then it turns out Transformer was in her boobs all along! Too bad nobody though of checking there.  Agents then go straight after her but now we finally see the Cyclone in full power! She starts shooting lasers like there’s no tomorrow and all resistance proves futile. Seeing what people would do for revolutionary technology like that she destroys the Transformator and hitches a ride home– ’cause in the 80’s progress is always pure EVIL.

 

Verdict: Now despite the lack of budget and it’s ridiculous story-line I still prefer Cyclone to the whole overrated Fast and Furious franchise. This at least has some actual nice stunts work with real (not animated!) cars and some genuinely planed (and otherwise) funny bits. FF for the most part has none of it.

His movies are cheese as hell, but Fred Olen Rey never fails to entertain and you have to give him credit for that.

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From the legendary Z-movie/Porn director (and occasional pro wrestler) Fred Olen Ray comes a story of a heroic gunslinger and hot cyborgs! Enter the CYBERZONE…

The movie starts with a typical SF crawl that explains the post- 8.9 earthquake life (used also in the setup of Escape from L.A.). After some random footage of stars we go back to Earth just in time to witness a rugged, good looking bounty hunter getting almost killed. And it’s freakin’ Mark Singer- Beastmaster himself! Anyway he survives all thanks to the hidden pistol and then he puts his victims head in the bag? He is cyborg so it’s all Ok.

He naturally proceeds to the local bar (with a mutant stripper no less). Also for some reason bartender looks like a pirate.  Then we meet our other protagonist/ antihero Hawk (Matteas Hues),who collaborating with a Predator (?) finds some illegally distributed Pleasure Droids.

PleasureDroidsThese are the droids you are looking for!

Jack Ford (Singer) gets a job offer that takes him to the fancy upper levels of the city. There he’s informed of the terrible theft of the Pleasure Droids from one of the Jupiter’s colonies. After some back and forth he is forced to except the company of Bethany, one of the firm’s leading technicians. She doesn’t seem too happy with the pairing but you just know she’ll worm up to him eventually.They head out to the layer of a fat face- painted criminal lord (something like a human Jabba the Hutt just more pathetic). Ford gives him the cyborg head (remember the beginning) and tries to get some information out of him. Unfortunately the fat one is collaborating with a thief and all Ford gets is killers, including Droid Hunter on his ass.

Ford continues the search and visits some whorehouses to do so. Also that’s an excuse for the cute technician to dress up as a whore herself. Just as they were on their way out they get attacked by Fatso’s men and there we witness the cyber martial- arts training of Bethany (eat you heart out Matrix) and street smarts of Ford. Now the twist- it turns out the killers were in fact from New Angeles (a religious ultra- conservative mecca controlled by seemingly benevolent founder Charles Humberstone). Ford ties to find a way to smuggle them in New Angeles but unexpectedly Droid Hunter shows up and almost kills him. Thankfully Bethany knew his weak spot of his days of bounty hunting would be numbered.

 

 

Strangely, Hues is just now porting the New Angeles underwater town with pleasure Droids masked as nuns. and one of them misteriosly missing- how the hell do you wind out in a situation like that? He gets into the verbal confrontation with Charles (in fact a Crime Kingpin) over the lost Droid but he has to settle for less money. Kiberzona.avi_002914840This man loves his job

That prompts Hawk/ Ford meeting in the same exact bar we already visited numerous time during the movie. Dissatisfied with his earning he strokes a deal with Ford to steel back the droids. That proves surprisingly easy because they masked the technician as the pleasure droid. Nobody saw threw their scheme until it was too late. Now being the gentlemen that he is Ford returns to save Beth too and Hawks being cool cat himself decides to help him. Pressed by superior numbers Hues heroically dies (shout out to the Western influences of this film).

Kiberzona.avi_004797240  “Just make sure I get my cut”

 Beth and Ford return to the company to pick up the check and Bethany decides to quit having found her wild side down in the slums. And just when you think it’s all over the last Droid shows up- to help down on his luck homeless person. I have to presume that her help was greatly appreciated.

BumI guess he finally found his faith…

Verdict: As always Ray dosn’t have much in the financing department to show us the scope of the world but he does good with what he has and (as always) when he rans out of ideas he uses the old trick of adding some half- naked ladies in the scene.And sometimes that even works (not in the case of a mutant stripper but in other cases). Anyway this movie is one of those “what you see is why you get” kind of deals. If you wanted to see Beastmaster shooting people, Matheas Hues being kinda emotionless and heavily mascular and cool, and some slutty droids too- you’ve came to the right place. Otherwise find another dystopian future to enjoy.