Worsemovies

Sharknado poster with appropriate Twitter quotes. Thumbs up for Will Wheaton!

The film starts with a dubious transaction between the captain called Santiago and an obviously a Yakuza enforcer. After proclaiming that sharks should be afraid of men and not vice versa the ship gets shaken by a storm. Captain insists of keeping the course and going through the storm and then something amazing happens. Sharks start jumping aboard and start literally eating people in one bite!!! The Captain survives a bit longer, as sharks decide to prolong his agony by eating him bit by bit while FLYING around him- now that’s the spirit!

Next thing you know the screen goes red and… Baywatch intro starts! Ok, not exactly Baywatch (as it has way less in the hot babes department) but still extremely close. And, ok- no Mitch Buchannon here but we have Ian Ziering- the blond, curly dude from Beverly Hills 90210! Here he is a middle aged ,experienced surfer, also a owner of a small bar by the beach. Also he’s desperately trying  to get into pans of certain  Asian surfer chick, probably to prove he’s still “in prime of his life”. Unfortunately we didn’t get to find out how game he is because Asian chick gets brutally murdered by a shark appearing out of nowhere. Then the shark goes on the rampage and gets as fare as it can go, killing unsuspecting people even in the shallow waters.

All that commotion doesn’t seem to present any problem for the old alcoholic George who grabs the butt of the skimpy dressed waitress. She lashes out on him, pouring a drink on his head but just a moment later changes her tune and gets him another drink. He must tip well or something. Next thing you know the storm blows away the window of the bar and you guessed it blows some sharks in. Brave waitress kills a shark with a pool stick, arms herself with a shotgun (that they keep behind the counter) and joins the owner Fin, hes New Zeland friend and the old pervert George. George even brings his bar stool with him presumably because that’s the most precious thing in his life. They kill couple of sharks in the imaginative ways including blowing up the shark that’s holding a gas tank in it’s teeth and then they get in the car and head out to Fin’s ex- wife. Waitress Nova seems extremely disappointed that he has an ex- wife.

They try to take the high road and head towards the Beverlie Hills (nice touch) but even the streets are infested with sharks! They get to his ex’s house but the tragically loose George in the way. He was of course swallowed by a giant wave… and then swallowed by a giant shark. Not the best way to go you’ll agree. Fin opens the door and then we see he’s ex, none other than washed up whore Tara Reid! I can’t believe he actually came back for this!!! Not only is she upleasent and irritating her new douchy boyfriend joins in on the fun too. Thankfully he gets mauled by a shark mere moments later.

Our motley crew then menages to eliminate the dangerous beast with a help of a large cabinet (used to pin shark down) and one trusty shotgun! After water goes all ruby red New Zealanders merrily proclaims “Looks like it’s that time of the month”.*

Finally convinced Fin’s ex and his spoiled teenage daughter join them in trying to get the fuck away from the ocean as they can.They bump into a school-bus stuck in the water and Fin decides to put on his best Bruce Willis face and saves the day. They surprisingly menage to do just that but storm starts again and a bus driver experienced the unfortunate fate of roof falling on top of him. At least he wasn’t eaten alive, right? They get back on their way but soon they figure out that the car is leaking and they menage to just barely escape as it explodes! Desperate they go into the local stores for some supplies but New Zealander finds a badass armored Jeep that the storm brought and soon they are back on track. Despite police blocks almost everywhere the somehow find the way to Van Nuys Airport and there they finds Fin’s overly enthusiastic son- the pilot and some of his friends. They arm up with cool things like C4 explosive and chainsaws and decide to strike back against the enemies- tornado and sharks by blowing tornado up!!! THIS IS  ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC! THEY ARE GOING TO ACTUALLY BLOW UP THE TORNADO! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Also we find out the waitresses origin story- her family was killed by sharks!  This just gets better and better!

Now that’s a parenting!

Then they go out and heroically face the tornado. Kiwi rigged the bomb in jeep just in case and the waitress joins Fin’s son Matt in the helicopter. They slowly approach the first tornado and drop the bomb into it! Bellow Fin is putting sharks down with his guns like he wants to claim a prize. New Zealander unfortunately dies, and one of other kids too- pretty epically I might add, first he looses his arm via one shark and then gets squished to death by another.

Death from above!

After blowing up the of tornadoes they fail and waitress gets eaten alive!!! Son barely menages to get to the ground in one piece.. Now it’s all up to Fin! He drives jeep straight into the tornado and even menages to jump out of the car before the explosion.Then as if that wasn’t enough he start destroying the sharks and literally jumps into the mouth of one with a chainsaw just to butcher it from the inside and come out with the prize- Nova the waitress, still breathing! Fin then naturally reconciles with his ex wife and they enjoy the beautiful sunset with ground filled with dead sharks as fare as eye can see.

Verdict: It is our firm belief that The Asylum decided to ignore the very founding stone of their existence and that they actual spent more than a million dollars filming this, and shows- it really does! Script writer Thunder Levin knows he is working with a completely ridiculous premiss but he actually takes time to establish all of the main players and even offers a somewhat reasonable (if extremely far fetched) explanation for this peculiar disaster and constructs some over the top fin scenes that will definitely not leave you indifferent . Anyway without any trace of doubt I can proclaim this is the best Asylum movie and the very best original SyFy Channel product, that doesn’t really means much but still it’s an achievement.

Next time, be prepared!