Damn this movie is bad!!! Bad bad bad!!! It is too bad even for Asylum!!! I mean, I am well aware of the fact that they are famous for doing low-budget of rip-offs of popular blockbusters, but geez… They should know their limits. You can’t just take the movie which is all about giant robots, special effects and shallow story, and film it with budget of 300000$!
As an introduction of what is awaiting us in this motion picture, we see an offshore oil rig being attacked and completely wrecked by some sort of dinosaur/sea monster hybrid (it’s appearance is probably a result of 7$ spent on CGI). A bit of panic followed by scenes switch to Mardi Gras on the streets, where people are carelessly enjoying in celebration. It seems that director Jared Cohn couldn’t decide where to start, since another scene switch happens and we are now at District 7 of Naval Base. They have received a word about another oil rig missing. Yeah, tones and tones of steel missing and they can’t find it even with their ultra-modern radars. Old Admiral Hackley (played by Graham Greene), doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s going on. So he meets with special commission consisted of extremely ugly NASA chick Dr Margaret Adams (played by Nicole Dickson), cute specialist Stone (played by Nicole Alexandra Shipley) and Nick Fury look-a-like. They decide that the only way to discover what is happened to oil rigs, is to activate project Armada (now that’s something). Problem is, only one man is capable of piloting robots in the deep sea. His name is Ted Morris (played by washed-up Baywatch star David Chokachi), better known as Red and he is loose cannon. Well, it’s him or nothing.
Kraken?
We are back to Mardi Gras again. Red and his girlfriend/coworker Tracey (played by Jackie Moore) are getting drunk and picking a fight with local scum. Now, that’s romantic couple. During a fistfight they receive an order which states that they should be on deck in 10 minutes. A moment later they are in van where their partner Treach (played by Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss) gives them briefing about mission. Even drunken jerks such as those two find it strange that entire oil rig had just disappeared. Scene switches again, and all 3 of them are now piloting action figures on the bottom of the ocean. But they didn’t find just oil rig. No, they encounter sea monster as well. But, we won’t see any fight here. It is because lame robots are overheating even on the bottom of the sea. Despite the fact that they found who is responsible for sinking their oil rigs, Admiral Hackley gives the order not to pursue the monster. Of course, Red disobeys him so Admiral is forced to shut them down. Just like that. Left without power on the ocean bottom. It is like putting a bait for monster. But, Red still got the power since remote control didn’t work for his robot. He is heading to the coast. Fearing that entire world will find out about Project Armada (probably because people would laugh at them), Admiral gives several instructions (all with the same face expression he had from his first appearance in movie) in order to cover up the existence of walking trash cans. But he failed miserably. Red reaches the coast and tries to warn people about dinosaur danger. He didn’t notice that monster is right behind him. During their fight on the beach, imbecilic Red had managed to kill more people than monster would be able to kill solo. Eventually, monster was killed, but only thanks to jet fighters, not because of Red’s combat skills.
Even monsters eat from a trash cans.
But their day is not over yet. They are now on the street, celebrating victory and inspecting damage and casualties that Red and his retardbot made. But their happiness isn’t to last long, since Red gets arrested for disobeying direct orders. While heat is still on, some random guy approaches Treach and asks him for help in finding his daughter Alexandra. According to her father’s description, Alexandre is 12 years old and almost 2 meters tall. Some advanced kids they got there. Treach scouts building in flames with his gun unholstered and ready to shoot. No wonder poor Alexandra didn’t want to go with him since she was probably afraid of getting shot by dumb soldier. Though, even if he fired, it would be because of fear due to fact that Alexandra is not just only tall for her age, but extremely fat as well. She looks like Frankenstein’s daughter. Anyway, Treach somehow manages to convince her to go with him and carries her out on his back. We could actually hear his spine snapping in background!!!
Like in old times.
Red gets free from his prison cell under condition of being a date to Admiral Hackley on victory party. Now, am I the only one who thinks this is extremely gay? Anyway, his partners are to accompany him to. Nothing worth of mentioning on actual party, except bad dancing and courting. But, monster attacks continue. New one has just hatched and it has a size exactly of it’s parents. They didn’t show us the actual hatch, probably because they couldn’t find large enough egg. Red is locked again his cell (I guess he didn’t please the Admiral) and refuses to come out. So, jet fighters to the rescue again. This time they did some heavy bombing (and unlike Red, they didn’t hit any civilian building) and monster is beaten again. But not killed. It goes back to the water.
The fact that he didn’t do anything, doesn’t stop Red from celebrating in bar. But his celebration is ruined when he finds out that Treach and Tracey have been putting horns on him from quite some time. What a cuckold! I am not sure if this was meant to be sub-plot since it wasn’t mentioned again until the end of movie.
Squashed marine!
Armada pilots are now upgraded! They received special halos which are supposed to improve agility and power of their robots. So, now they can have a box match with the monsters. And knockout them.Monster came back for it’s final assault. Robots are now able to fly, despite the fact that they had been carried by helicopters on the beginning of movie. The actual final fight is nothing more than Avengers rip-off, bad boxing, robot axes, archive footage, repeated sections from the beginning of movie, special rocket that looks like condom filled with air and Red’s falling down from out of space without hurting himself! On the very end, Tracey and Red are together again, and all 3 of them go together into the sunset while hugging each other (it seems that threesome is going to happen).
Go, go power bots!!!
Conclusion: I can’t say that this is the worst of Asylum since I haven’t watched all of their movies. But I can say that this is, by the far, the worst Asylum movie I have ever watched. It is even worse than Transmorphers!!! Awful acting and special effect, plot with many holes… It’s not like the plot should be something special in this sort of movie, but they shouldn’t have completely ignored it’s existence. Another question still remains: Is cleverly named Atlantic Rim (Atlantic=Pacific) a rip off of popular Pacific Rim or just very bad episode of Power Rangers?
Worsemovies 