Posts Tagged ‘Asylum’

 

Most first time directors begin their careers with a zombie film. Why? I don’t know, I guess it’s a cheap way to make a first feature film. Shot on 35mm foralmost no money by first time director Brett Leonard  (also known for Lawnmower Man) The Dead Pit is perfect example of this claim. It features some impressive make up and effects work, especially considering the budget. Michael Hinton created the film’s optical effects, while the prosthetic special effects were created by FX artist Ed Martinez. Other than that it is complete crap with unintentional black humor.

deadpit

 

At an overfilled and under-staffed mental hospital, Dr. Colin Ramzi (played by Danny Gochnauer) decides to use the excess patients for his own personal experiments into death and the unknown. His evil deeds are ended abruptly when his colleague, Dr. Gerald Swan (Jeremy Slate), puts a bullet in his head. Dr. Ramzi and the corpses of his experiments are then sealed up in a mass grave beneath the hospital and forgotten. Well, only for twenty years, until a mysterious Jane Doe (played by Cheryl Lawson) arrives at the hospital with no memory of who she is or where she came from. She complains about not losing her memory but rather someone got it stolen from her. Hm I think I know where this movie leads to. Anyway, apparently Jane Doe got so upset about her memories theft that she causes an earthquake and unrest at the, until then, peaceful underground mass grave. Result of this: we get to see Dr. Ramzi gets free from captivity, leading the army of loyal zombies. And also we get to see Jane’s tits in wet shirt.

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While Jane is wandering around freely wearing only underpants and tight shirt Dr. Ramzi continues his research. So that means he needs more bodies. You can guess what comes next. Meanwhile, Dr. Gerald hypnotizes Jane where he discovers her real name is Sarah and that mother tried to take her away from her father when she was only 3 years old. Hm I wonder why? Of course, all of this is followed by inconvenient flat acting. The following night good Dr. Ramzi is back. He kills one of the lunatics and one of the staff member, whose head he later uses to scare Jane and drive her insane.

 

Dr. Gerald hypnotizes Jane once more. She remembered crazy surgeon experimenting on her. Dr. Ramzi somehow takes control of her body and in his own voice threaten Dr. Gerald. Ok now we got The Exorcist element here. This movie keeps expanding in a way no one could possibly expect. Dr. Gerald gets so upset about this that he throws poor Jane out of office and then helps himself with his secret stash of whisky. On the other side of asylum, Jane and some Irish madman are making a plan for escaping. Of course, that plan is foiled by Dr. Ramzi and Jane ends up captured in the dead pit. Mad surgeon raises his army of the zombies from the pit and they all together start stealing brains from mental patients. Mad Irishman saves Jane from imprisonment and they return to fight Ramzi and his ever-growing army of zombies. Meanwhile, Dr. Gerald got drunk and slept through entire chaos in his office.

 

They discover that holy water kills zombies (I am no shitting you here) so with help of demented nun who happens to be in asylum as mental patient (how convenient) Jane and Irish dude devise a plan to bless entire nearby water tower and blow it up with handmade bomb. Sounds bulletproof to me enough. Meanwhile, Dr. Ramzi has haptured Dr. Gerald and performs brain extraction operation on him, despite Gerald’s plea “Don’t cut my brain please”. He shows that juicy brain to Jane during their next encounter spiced with silly one-liner “Dr. Swan wants to give you piece of his mind”. Classic! And yeah, we also find out he is Jane’s father. What a twist, would you say? Anyway, mad Irishman (*cough* pleonasm) took the opportunity of this family reunion to sacrifice himself (due to his stupidity of making the fuse too long) and blow up water tower which leads us to scene of mass melting zombies, including Dr. Ramzi, which is second to none even compared to famous scene from The incredible melting man.

 

Conclusion: Zombies, mad scientist, body possession, holy water, exorcism, tits, wide open heads, this movie has it all, you just name it. I haven’t seen such  concentration of madness since Beyond Re-animator (and believe me, that movie is so fucked up). As for the acting, it isn’t heinously bad, for the most part, but you’ll still wince from time to time. The zombies actually look fairly decent. With Brett Leonard, when you look at his earliest picture, all you can really see are hints of the mediocrity that would spell out his career. The Dead Pit isn’t a bad movie, it’s just very forgettable. At least, it provides some nice gore so it is worth watching.

Damn this movie is bad!!! Bad bad bad!!! It is too bad even for Asylum!!! I mean, I am well aware of the fact that they are famous for doing low-budget of  rip-offs of popular blockbusters, but geez… They should know their limits. You can’t just take the movie which is all about giant robots, special effects  and shallow story, and film it with budget of 300000$!

As an introduction of what is awaiting us in this motion picture, we see an offshore oil rig being attacked and completely wrecked by some sort of  dinosaur/sea monster hybrid (it’s appearance is probably a result of 7$ spent on CGI). A bit of panic followed by scenes switch to Mardi Gras on the streets,  where people are carelessly enjoying in celebration. It seems that director Jared Cohn couldn’t decide where to start, since another scene switch happens and  we are now at District 7 of Naval Base. They have received a word about another oil rig missing. Yeah, tones and tones of steel missing and they can’t find  it even with their ultra-modern radars. Old Admiral Hackley (played by Graham Greene), doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s going on. So he meets with  special commission consisted of extremely ugly NASA chick Dr Margaret Adams (played by Nicole Dickson), cute specialist Stone (played by Nicole Alexandra  Shipley) and Nick Fury look-a-like. They decide that the only way to discover what is happened to oil rigs, is to activate project Armada (now that’s something). Problem is, only one man is capable of piloting robots in the deep sea. His name is Ted Morris (played by washed-up Baywatch star David Chokachi), better known as Red and he is loose cannon. Well, it’s him or nothing.

KrakenKraken?

We are back to Mardi Gras again. Red and his girlfriend/coworker Tracey (played by Jackie Moore) are getting drunk and picking a fight with local scum. Now,  that’s romantic couple. During a fistfight they receive an order which states that they should be on deck in 10 minutes. A moment later they are in van where  their partner Treach (played by Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss) gives them briefing about mission. Even drunken jerks such as those two find it strange that entire  oil rig had just disappeared. Scene switches again, and all 3 of them are now piloting action figures on the bottom of the ocean. But they didn’t find just  oil rig. No, they encounter sea monster as well. But, we won’t see any fight here. It is because lame robots are overheating even on the bottom of the sea.  Despite the fact that they found who is responsible for sinking their oil rigs, Admiral Hackley gives the order not to pursue the monster. Of course, Red  disobeys him so Admiral is forced to shut them down. Just like that. Left without power on the ocean bottom. It is like putting a bait for monster. But, Red  still got the power since remote control didn’t work for his robot. He is heading to the coast. Fearing that entire world will find out about Project Armada  (probably because people would laugh at them), Admiral gives several instructions (all with the same face expression he had from his first appearance in movie) in order to cover up the existence of walking trash cans. But he failed miserably. Red reaches the coast and tries to warn people about dinosaur danger. He didn’t notice that monster is right behind him. During their fight on the beach, imbecilic Red had managed to kill more people than monster would be able to kill solo. Eventually, monster was killed, but only thanks to jet fighters, not because of Red’s combat skills.

Kraken Even monsters eat from a trash canEven monsters eat from a trash cans.

But their day is not over yet. They are now on the street, celebrating victory and inspecting damage and casualties that Red and his retardbot made. But  their happiness isn’t to last long, since Red gets arrested for disobeying direct orders. While heat is still on, some random guy approaches Treach and asks  him for help in finding his daughter Alexandra. According to her father’s description, Alexandre is 12 years old and almost 2 meters tall. Some advanced kids  they got there. Treach scouts building in flames with his gun unholstered and ready to shoot. No wonder poor Alexandra didn’t want to go with him since she  was probably afraid of getting shot by dumb soldier. Though, even if he fired, it would be because of fear due to fact that Alexandra is not just only tall for  her age, but extremely fat as well. She looks like Frankenstein’s daughter. Anyway, Treach somehow manages to convince her to go with him and carries her out on his back. We could actually hear his spine snapping in background!!!

Like in old timesLike in old times.

Red gets free from his prison cell under condition of being a date to Admiral Hackley on victory party. Now, am I the only one who thinks this is extremely  gay? Anyway, his partners are to accompany him to. Nothing worth of mentioning on actual party, except bad dancing and courting. But, monster attacks continue. New one has just hatched and it has a size exactly of it’s parents. They didn’t show us the actual hatch, probably because  they couldn’t find large enough egg. Red is locked again his cell (I guess he didn’t please the Admiral) and refuses to come out. So, jet fighters to the  rescue again. This time they did some heavy bombing (and unlike Red, they didn’t hit any civilian building) and monster is beaten again. But not killed. It  goes back to the water.
The fact that he didn’t do anything, doesn’t stop Red from celebrating in bar. But his celebration is ruined when he finds out that Treach and Tracey have  been putting horns on him from quite some time. What a cuckold! I am not sure if this was meant to be sub-plot since it wasn’t mentioned again until the end  of movie.

Squashed marineSquashed marine!

Armada pilots are now upgraded! They received special halos which are supposed to improve agility and power of their robots. So, now they can have a box match with the monsters. And knockout them.Monster came back for it’s final assault. Robots are now able to fly, despite the fact that they had been carried by helicopters on the beginning of movie.  The actual final fight is nothing more than Avengers rip-off, bad boxing, robot axes, archive footage, repeated sections from the beginning of movie, special  rocket that looks like condom filled with air and Red’s falling down from out of space without hurting himself! On the very end, Tracey and Red are together  again, and all 3 of them go together into the sunset while hugging each other (it seems that threesome is going to happen).

Go go power botsGo, go power bots!!!

Conclusion: I can’t say that this is the worst of Asylum since I haven’t watched all of their movies. But I can say that this is, by the far, the worst  Asylum movie I have ever watched. It is even worse than Transmorphers!!! Awful acting and special effect, plot with many holes… It’s not like the plot  should be something special in this sort of movie, but they shouldn’t have completely ignored it’s existence. Another question still remains: Is cleverly  named Atlantic Rim (Atlantic=Pacific) a rip off of popular Pacific Rim or just very bad episode of Power Rangers?

I am not quite sure whether this movie is another Asylum’s cheap attempt of cash in on the major blockbuster ( Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter ) or it’s director Richard Schenkman was trying to show us his point of view about how Abraham Lincoln REALLY died. Script is based (mostly) on historical facts, tho subjectively used during filmmaking. But judge by yourself.

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The movie starts showing us Lincoln’s childhood, while he was 9 years old. He is chopping wood outside, like many US presidents did while they were young. Suddenly, he hears a gunshot from his house. He runs in and there finds his father commits suicide, but still barely alive ( tho, the wounds are bit confusing).  With his last breath, Abe’s father asked his son to do something he couldn’t do by himself. So young Abe takes his scythe, and kills his zombified mother. So, it is wrong to kill your zombified wife, but it is ok to ask your 9 years old son to kill his zombified mother.

UntitledCome to mommy, son. She wants to nibble your ear.

Now, fast forward takes us to 1862. year, right in the middle of Civil War battle. Now adult Abe (played by Bill Oberst Jr), is occupied with war strategy. Their attempt to take strategically very important  fort has failed miserably. And things gets worse for Union. Rumors about undead soldiers attacking the living are spreading among Abe’s men. To put an end to it, he decides to assemble Secret Service consisted of his best 12 agents (every single of them is alcoholic). So, they set foot behind enemy lines, to Fort Pulaski (another strategically important fort).  There, they get trapped and that’s when shits hit the fan. A lot of zombies are attacking them. But, in that moment, Abe shows his remarkably skill with scythe, decapitating one by one zombie. And not with an ordinary scythe. Lincoln, specially for this situation, has made his own folding scythe! Now, that’s a deadly weapon. Anyway, after cleaning the trash, Abe and remaining of his agents, meet with terrified General Stonewall Jackson with fake beard (played by none other than Don McGraw) and handful of his men. Until that moment enemies are becoming allies. Also, African American racistly named Mr Brown ( played by Jason Hughley) seems to be the only one, besides Abe, to know what are zombies exactly. And he is Lincoln’s huge fan.

That’s how Lincoln does that!!!

It seems that in those times every well-equipped fort  had a brothel nearby. So, Lincoln and his men  bust in (probably to relax a bit after fight vs zombies). But, instead of Abe firing his “bullet” into prostitutes, he gets shot from basement. There they find 3 prostitutes holded up with 12 years old boy named Theodore Roosevelt (played by Canon Kuipers). We learn that one of those prostitutes is Mary Owens (played by Baby Norman) and that she and Abe had a thing while they were younger. Other prostitute is Mary’s daughter Sophia, (played by Hannah Bryan). They all go back and somewhere along the way they encounter more Confederate zombies. Everyone went into wild, killing spree. Even young Teddy Roosevelt, showing his skills with shovel. One of the prostitutes (the third one) gets bitten and Mr Brown shoots her without hesitation from the fort wall. I must not forget Sophia’s contribution to their fight. She is talented for undead killing, just like her father. They manage to come back to the fort and reunite there with Robert Chamberlin (played by Ronald Ogden) and Pat Garrett (played by Christopher Marrone).

1075205_10201732200566020_281960136_nDon’t mess up with this girl if you are zombie! Unless you got a money.

Knowing that infest will not be stopped by itself, Abe holds touching speech and announces that they are going to every single zombie they can find. Everyone supported this, except John Wilkinson (played by Jason Vail) who doesn’t approve slaughtering of “innocent” people. In light of that fact, he has been left in the fort to guard captured zombie general and take care of Mary Owens, who is feeling sick. Before his departure, Abe took an opportunity to express his love to sick prostitute on her deathbed.

Their goal: Cleaning the town. It shouldn’t be so hard, keeping in mind that zombies are quite lethargic and that they are sleeping on their watch. Abe and his group passed by, without being noticed by any of undead. There is not really much left over to say about this movie. Lincoln teaches young Teddy how to kill, more of his men got slaughtered, including Garrett and Chamberlin, Sophia stays alive and takes Teddy under her skirt, General Stonewall Jackson blowing himself in the air with a bunch of zombies by shooting in keg of powder… The final battle, where they are defending fort against army of zombies looks more like Steven Seagal’s “Under the siege”  movie, but not that much bad.

Hi Ho Silver Away!

But, that is not the end. 3 years after the battle against the unliving was over, we notice Abe is hiding something. He comes to isolated barn more often. What is he keeping inside? Oh you already guessed well. He keeps there Marry Owens, still infected by zombification disease, feeding her with his own blood. At least until Dr. Malinoff (played by director Richard Schenkman ) finds the cure. Eventually, she attacks and wounds Abe and he is forced to blow her brain. Now, the grand finale! Lincolns gives a letter to Dr. Malinoff with order to deliver it as soon as possible. Receiver of this letter is none other than John Wilkes Booth. In that letter, Abe Lincoln orders his own assassination from Booth. So that is what really happened!!! History books are gonna be rewritten after this movie.

1085355_10201732199926004_1832706784_nWherever are zombies, sick prostitutes and bastards, I will be there! For I am Lincoln! 

Conclusion: Clearly, someone (and we know who)  has took a few looks into Abraham Lincoln’s biography, watched few episodes of Walking Dead and then decided to make this movie. It is full of historically inaccurate facts (one of them is that Stonewall Jackson had died before set up of this movie but he still gets his role here). Effects are mostly CGI and that’s the shame, since it would be so nicer if they had actually use fake blood. Zombies are static, passive and lethargic. There is a big number of zombies here, but their only purpose is to keep Abe and the rest of the company in constant danger. But, besides fun and laugh, the reason why I recommend watching this movie is absolutely outstanding performance by Bill Oberst Jr, who brilliantly has managed to deliver us Lincoln’s patience, noble, soft speech. He is doing fantastic job and no wonder we will see him in a lot of movies in 2014.

In this Asylum’s rip-off of Sherlock Holmes, Jurassic Park  and Ironman,  Sherlock Holmes is actually trying to solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper.  And he did it. It is dinosaur! Confused? Me too. But let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Sherlock_Holmes_(2010)

The first thing that caught my eye is amateurish shaking cam (and believe me, that is one of rare things that can instantly piss me off). It looks like BBC documentary, with much less of a budget of course. In the opening scene, we see aged Dr Watson watching London in flames from his window. That  made him remember when he saw such scene for the first time, so he calls his young nursemaid and decides to tell her about that story, which she is gonna record. Attention everyone! Old man is talking!

sprinter-sherlh.avi_000353019Kraken on a theater stage.

His story begins in 1882. , on English Channel. Scene is supposed to represent large ship and sea, but thanks to “vision” of director Rachel Goldenberg it is just an ordinary theater stage with fail green screen and blue nylon for a water effect. There is a panic aboard. Pirates? No, guess again. It is some sort of big, black sea monster, that I believe it is meant to be Kraken. And that’s it. I wonder if Holmes is gonna solve the mystery of Kraken? Anyway, scene shifts and now we are in autopsy room where Dr Watson (played by Gareth David-Lloyd) is doing his thing. We notice that he is over 6 feet tall and looks like a butcher. Now Holmes (played by Ben Syder) enters the room. Something is strange about him. His hat? No. I know! He is rather short, despite the fact that Arthur Conan Doyle describes him as “rather over 6 feet tall”. But wait, there is more! He should be calm and focused, right? Maybe, but not in a book Goldenberg had read (perhaps Asylum have their own book version of Holmes; I’ll check it up later). Here, Holmes rushes around and talks like cockney male prostitute.  After a short looking at corpse, he gives gay and incoherent deduction about cause of death. Still, it seems to be enough for Watson, so they depart together in order to visit the sole survivor from the boat and meet there with Inspector Lestrade (played by William Huw).

sprinter-sherlh.avi_000405446There are at least 2 things wrong with this picture…

After hearing sailor’s heartbreaking story about what had happened on the sea, Holmes comes to deduction that lost cargo is nothing but a royal gold, which was on it’s way to Her Majesty treasury. I suppose that legends about sea monsters having a gold in their stomach aren’t so false, aren’t they? Interesting thing is that Holmes is only one to believe sailor’s story, while Watson and Lestrade didn’t miss any opportunity to express their mistrust and opinions about sanity of the poor sob.  And all of that despite the fact that he is the only eyewitness!!! Poor sailor should feel lucky that he didn’t end up in mental institution! Or he would be, at least, if he hadn’t died right after telling his story. And Watson is still yelling at him! Anyway, all three of them are off to the cliffs near Channel border in order to try to reach a shipwreck.  Watson almost died while attempting to get down using a rope, in a scene for which purpose I fail to see.

1060451_10201617259332561_1678171045_nOne of rare superior acting performances in this movie…

Next scenes takes us to Whitechapel brothel. when we can see underage guy “hiring” old, seasoned, washed up prostitute, probably hoping that she is gonna deflower him. Everything is done in complete discretion (they even got code names – John and Miss Pinchcock).  So they go to dark alley in order to conclude the contract. But moment before kid got consuming his merchandise, dinosaur shows up from nowhere and eats him, leaving prostitute in relatively good condition (apart of her age).

No money return!

Ok, now to famous Baker Street. Holmes and Watson, still a bit shaken after events on the cliff, are having a breakfast. They also have had a debate about recent events, when their look gazed upon newspaper headlines about Whitechapel murder. Holmes decides to investigate it, and both of them  find themselves in the surprisingly empty central park for that time of day.  There they find dinosaur footprints… While they are still confused ( I guess not many dinosaurs lives in London), the real dino manifests in front of them. Using his powers of deduction, Holmes decides that is best for them to flee. Surely, it is decision worthy of  the world’s greatest detective.

1060682_10201617259252559_223882196_n-Is it a bird? A plane? -No, Watson. It is a hole in the ground.

Watson meets young and strangely ugly lady, named Anesidora Ivory (played by Elizabeth Arends). Actually, she approached him while he was at his surgery, asking for a  morphium for her uncle who is apparently in constant pains. Watson, obviously charmed by young but ugly lady, complies to her will and wastes no time in taking the opportunity to schedule a date with her in Opera. And all that in presence of her sick uncle (played by Dominic Keating), who is sitting in wheelchairs next to them! Obviously, working with gay Holmes has made Watson a bit desperate.  But, this date isn’t meant to be. Holmes reaches Watson by telephone (10 years before real telephone device was used for the first time), and demands to meet him at Whitechapel pump house. There, he found a clue which proves that dinosaur and Kraken are actually human-made. And what’s the clue? An ordinary scrap of rubber. Surely, it couldn’t have fell off of someone’s boot. Must be the mechanical monster.

1058696_10201617259132556_804346961_nPush your uncle somewhere aside, where he can’t bother us, and then lets get busy!

Inspector Lestrade joins Holmes and Watson, and they all together start investigation in London’s industrial district. First they visit a copper warehouse, followed by visit to rubber factory. There they got attacked by dinosaur, who immolated the proprietor of the factory. After getting his life saved by Watson, Holmes finds something in the proprietor’s pocket. It is a rock (yeah, people tend to carry rocks in their pockets all the time), which is, as Holmes had later explained, common for area around Hellsmouth, the very place where Holmes had spent his childhood. So, that’s their next destination. Next morning, wishing to thank Watson for saving his life, Holmes said incredibly gay line: “You did very good job…last night.”

1057164_10201617259052554_956460236_nGood dino, you wouldn’t scorch old Sherlock Holmes, would you?

After arriving to Hellsmouth, Holmes takes Watson and Lestrade across the walls into some abandoned castle. There, in one of huge chambers, they find static mechanical dino, tentacles of Kraken, and, in the center of the room, steam-punk version of Ironman suit (that looks more like The Tin Man from Wizard of Oz), which clumsy, oversized Watson manages to activate by accident. Suits sends Watson to bite the dust with only one blow and then attacks Holmes. After quite hilarious fighting scene the suits decides to show it’s true face.  It is the face of morphine-addicted uncle, to be more exact.  And his niece Anesidora is also there. What a twist.

Now, the story begins to unwrap. Uncle explains that he controls robots with his brain and with help of “neuro-regeneration” . As you may already have guessed, he needed the gold from shipwreck in order to fund his projects (and some rubber too).  But wait, it’s not that simple. Why he is doing that? Who is he anyway? I’ll tell you. Hold your breath now. The Uncle is no one else but Thorpe Holmes, Sherlock’s (or Robert’s as it has been revealed as a Sherlock’s real name in this scene) brother, who once was a great detective. He became paralyzed after his former partner shot him in the back. And who is his former partner. None other than Inspector Lestrade. Thorpe has become evil and cynical, due to clumsiness of incompetent inspector. His goal: To blow up the Buckingham Palace in the air. But wait, there is more to it! Anesidora is also mechanical and she is programmed to explode after entering the Buckingham Palace. After revealing his plans, Thorpe arms and sends mechanical woman into the train, having her previously  to shoot Holmes (apparently killing him), puts Watson into some sort of death-machine, and then eventually takes the control of the giant mechanical dragon. But, it isn’t everything lost. Sherlock has been saved from the shooting by tobacco tin in his pocket (yet another “original” idea). He saves Dr Watson, and sends him to stop Anesidora, while he manages hot air balloon with helicopter propeller upgrade which he had found nearby. Meanwhile, Anesidora is already near the Buckingham Palace, shooting down 12 years old guards. Watson arrives just in time to stop her, while Sherlock (Robert) and Thorpe are fighting in the air. Of course, after some desperate fight, our heroes win, Lestrade takes the credits for stopping evil Thorpe, old Watson finishes his story and dies afterwards.

1061638_10201617258652544_1585692481_nSteam-punk air fight.

Conclusion: I don’t know where to begin describing what is wrong here. Amateurish camera, casting that couldn’t possibly be worse, awful  acting, incoherent script and dialogues and illogical story with as many holes as this movie’s budget…. Also, bad characterisation of book characters, both physical and mental. Here, Watson is clearly the stronger person than Holmes. Relation and mutual respect between two of them have been completely left out. It is  like they secretly resent each other and both are competitive minded. It seems that no one from Asylum had bothered to read a book about adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Also, there is often a presence of constant drama build-up with zero payoff (like in the scene when Watson climbs down the cliff on the rope and then nothing happens).  But, despite the all above mentioned errors, this is the best goddamn screen adaptation of Sherlock Holmes I have ever watched!!!

 

Age of the Hobbits is the closest I’ll ever get to Tolkien, since I refuse to read him and watch movie adaptations of his novels due to fact me being  constantly harassed and annoyed by “Lord of the Rings” freaks. I know this movie isn’t related to Tolkien’s “Hobbit” (as good people from Asylum claimed on  poster; they got sued by Warner Bros), but for me, it’ll serve its purpose. Especially since I am even less related to “Hobbit’ than Asylum folks.

g-ent-121211-age-of-the-hobbitsReal?

Story of this movie takes the place in Flores Island, Indonesia 12000 years ago, but it is filmed in Cambodia 12000 years ago. We see several hobbits in  woods chitchatting and picking fruits. They call themselves Tree People. Hobbits are played by Cambodian midgets who had been later synchronized in  postproduction. Anyway, they were still chitchatting when they got attacked by Rockmen tribe. Rockmen are cave-man looking brain damaged savages with vampire  teeth (?), and some of them are riding the dragons (though it is not explained how did they managed to tame them). Despite the fact that they look like giant  iguanas (which is also tribe’s ground unit), dragons look pretty decent, especially when we keep in mind Asylum’s average low budget (still higher than  Albert Pyun’s though) and their general slacking when it comes to realness of movie characters. This is the case probably due to fact that Asylum folks had  exploited poor Cambodian midgets (with blessing of King of Cambodia), paying them almost nothing, so they can have extra budget for special effects. Now back
to attack. They kill some midgets and capture some other midgets using nets and dragons. But young Goben (played by Sum Korng) had managed to escape and warn  the village. Still, there isn’t enough time for village evacuation, so Rockmen killed and captured even more midgets, including Goben’s mother Suta (played  by Tom Eurt). But she left a trail by dropping magic medicine stones so Goben and his father Tak Tek (played by Srogn) could find her. Interesting fact is  that midgets are still casual chitchatting in air while they are being held by dragon’s claws.

I saw a dragon todayI saw a dragon today!

In desperation Tak Tek, Goben and his sister Omi (played by Khom Lyly) decided to seek out the help of nearby giants tribe. Somewhere along the way they  stumble upon giant hunters who were fighting against some sort of giant rhino. Of course, giants are plain humans. Master hunter Amthar (played by Christopher  Judge; best known for his role in Stargate ) got seriously wounded and it seemed that he will drop the spoon, but Tak Tek saved his life by using a magic medical stone. So, in order to repay his  debt, Amthar agrees to help them to reach the mountain where Rockmen tribe resides. In order to do so, they need to ask for permission to pass from human  tribe chief. But Chief Korm (played by Antonis Greco), who is retarded version of Genghis Khan, wouldn’t let them pass. He doesn’t want to brake the peace  with Rockmen tribe. Still, after short negotiations he agrees to let them pass in exchange for midget’s device for throwing spear (it looks like an ordinary  stick with hole to me). But Korm,in his fear of Rockmen tribe, breaks his promise and binds Tak Tek, Goben and Omi, leaving them for Rockmen to find them in
the morning. Honorable as he is, Amthar sets midgets free the following night, thus betraying his tribe. Besides Amthar, who is still in debt to Tak Tek,  anorexic young woman warrior Laylan (played by Bai Ling) also joins their cause.

RetardLong lost son of Genghis Khan.

Thanks to Amthar’s “wise” leadership, they got trapped and attacked by giant spider. Spider sprayed gallons and gallons of acid into Laylan’s face, but it  doesn’t seem that it has any effect stronger than blinding her for a couple of seconds. After some pretty lame fight Amthar manages to kill the giant spider  by impaling it onto his spear with one of more ridiculous combat moves in this movie. But, it’s not the end. No, because that even more gigantic spider  emerges from very tiny hole in ground. But it doesn’t want to fight. It just took less gigantic dead spider and pulled it under the ground. Seeing all this  Tak Tek just says “Amthar, let me lead”, in pathetic attempt of comic relief.

 

We find out that Rockmen will sacrifice midgets to their queen in midnight. Witch Queen (played by Rachana) sounds like demented version of Rita from Power  Rangers. Always hysterically yelling and bossing around. But her orders are always carried (for some reason), and preparations for midnight sacrifice are  already in progress. Our heroes are running out of time and there are too many obstacles. Obstacles like two giant lizards for example. But Amthar and his  mighty spear solved this problem too. Almost same scene of impaling as it was with spider. But this time, Amthar got bitten. Omi cures him, by removing a huge fang from his arm.

She really need a kingShe really needs a king!

Meanwhile, while searching for plants needed for making tea that will help Amthar to recover faster, Laylan got ambushed by several Rockmen warriors. But she  showed us that see possess proficiency with wooden spears too, killing one by one, in more and more ridiculous ways. No matter what people from Asylum would  claim, driving a spear 10 inches away of your head can’t kill you.  Can’t even scratch you.  Look below for more info.

Spear handlingProper spear handling.

Evening is falling and midnight is getting closer. Brave group had entered the Rockmen Tribe hideout. Tak Tek gets captured and prepared for sacrificing. He  lies in the middle of cave, surrounded by Rockmen warriors. Only seconds splits him away of death. Witch Queen is getting closer preparing to strike final  blow. But, in the last moment Amthat hits her with spear from a distance right in her eye. Tak Tek escapes outside where he rejoins the rest of the group.  All Rockmen warriors are there too, with giant lizards and dragons. Amthar and the company are overwhelmed. But in that moment, retarded Korm arrives with  warriors. He decided to do honorable thing. Eventually. It turned out that it was not smart move for him since he is slaughtered couple of moments later.  Bloody battle emerges between Rockmen and human tribes. We see more Laylan’s spear handling. At the end, only our brave group was standing atop of bunch of  corpses. Goben’s family is saved and Amthar becomes new Genghis Khan. Everyone is happy and ending credits pops up.

She used to be insane but then she took a spear into the eye.

Conclusion: I really can’t criticize acting skills of midgets since their voices are sybchronised and I can’t hear their acting. Speaking of which,  synchronization in this movie is as equally bad as New Zealand’s synchronization of Hong Kong kung-fu movies from ’70s. Bai Ling (who is supposed to be the  star of this movie) is gloriously over-the-top in her performance. Christopher  Judge is the only one who took his role seriously and who was putting an effort into  acting (I guess no one told him that this is not a real movie). Ending credits theme is for some reason singed in Serbian language. And I honestly hope that  Asylum paid some money to midgets, thus helping a bit their economy. If not, they should be hanged for shameful exploitation. And for film-making too.

Legal Note: No dragons were harmed in the production of this screenplay.

Kings_Birthday__NORODOM_SIHAMONI_The king is not pleased!

We already knew that this movie is extremely rushed low budget piece courtesy of Asylum but they still managed to surprise us.  Movie starts with Loki chanting some supposedly evil things a laughing. Coincidentally Loki is played by none other than Richard Grieco, once upon a time a Teen Idol, now definitely not a teen, and idol even less than that. He magically transports to Valhalla much to detriment of Odin’s soldiers who tries to stop him. They fail. In the meantime Odin (very cave- man looking wrestler Kevin Nash)and he’s two sons, tough Baldir and imbecilic Thor climb a sacred mountain to consult “The Weavers of Fate”. Weavers don’t seem to like him as they suggest he gives the Hammer of Invincibility to Loki and give up even before the battle has started. They predict the imminent destruction of all realms including Asgard, Earth and… the other realms (hmmm… someone was to bored to look it up in Wikipedia it seems). Odin is angry but Thor seeing the prophets of doom declares “I don’t believe in faith” with extremely dumb look on his face and then they all leave.

Don’t know about acting but Kevin Nash’s Odin would kicks Anthony Hopkins ass 3 ways till Sunday!

Loki is working hard on conquering Asgard, that’s rather small, consisting of a forest a small castle surround by a trench filled with water. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of army so he sends his giant coyote/ dinosaurs hybrids that he calls Gamrs for some reason to wreck havoc and find him the fabled Hammer. Odin and sons get into a fight with Gamrs and Thor almost dies. Odins enters the duel with Loki and destroys his skinny ass but Loki succeeds in tricking him into stabbing his own son (don’t worry, it’s Berendal not Thor) and then finishes him. Of course the old man still had enough reason in him to teleport the hammer and spoil the devious one’s plans.

Thor wakes up just in time to witness a complete tragedy of his family. Odin sends him to get the Hammer with his dying breath. After declaring revenge his father tells him (in the kindest way possible) that he is an idiot and that he should use his head for once in his life. Thor fails to do even that. He faces Loki and gets beaten into pulp. Of course because of inability of two actors and non- existence of choreographer fight is filmed in combination of time lapses and slow motion scenes.Not even that can mask the stupidity of their confrontation (and this whole movies is based  around scenes of their confrontations). Just when it looks like “our” hero is ready to join his family in Valhalla kinda old Latino chick saves him by hitting Loki with a big stick. Not being immune to such primitive weapon Loki is left stunned and a lovely couple runs away to safety. Loki sends his Dino-Coyotes after them but they are already gone…

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Loki, the god of awkward facial expressions!

Latino lady that seems completely out of place here presents herself as Jarnsaxa (hmmm… don’t remember that one from those Myths & Legends book I loved as a kid) and states that she is a servant of Odin. Where was she when he master was brutally killed seems irrelevant. Thor insists of getting after Loki again despite getting a beating of his life just minutes ago. Jarnasaxa then beats him  with a stick and he finally shuts up (it took him long enough). They use a magical portal to transport to a “Sacred Place” that suspiciously looks like the other end of the same forest. After two minutes  there Ja’x proclaims that his training is done (shall we see some bonus scenes of 80es training montage in a special edition DVD in the future?) Anyway, Loki finds them easily and they transport again… this time IN OUR WORLD!

Two or them are in L.A. and Thor is momentarily presented with an opportunity to beat up someone. Stereotypical black gang member is trying to steal some money from a lady and he almost kills him enthusiastic with the fact that there’s someone weaker than his in this world. Jarnsaxa presents Thor with her secret stash of weapons in Earth Realm and Thor goes head over heals over an Uzi gun. Seeing the destructive power of the said gun he proclaims he’s love for all humans! What a strange course of events.

Then they found a way to teleport themselves further, to the mystical Tree of Life, and this is the point where things get extremely confusing. Jax’ promises Thor to go with him every step of the way but then leaves him alone at the first corner. Tree ends up being guarded by a cyborg looking knight and is for some reason on a junkyard!!! Didn’t they leave the Eart realm like 5 minutes ago? Then being victorious (two in a row, personal record) he speaks with a tree of life, which answers in his fathers voice. He claims the Hammer and promises to save the world from destruction. Now here’s the biggest problem here, Loki needs the Hammer to end all worlds and he can’t reach it the way things are… Not knowing how to find the Tree of Life (if he can even guess that’s the place Odin placed the Hammer) all the realms are completely safe. It’s Thor who by removing the Hammer gives Loki opportunity to trick him (and that’s kinda what he does for a living), claim the Hammer and destroy the world. So if Ragnarok does come, it will be all on Thor, that imbecilic self- obsessed brat not able to thing straight JUST ONCE for a life of him!

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Hammer, the cause and the solution to all life problems!

Now Ja’x pleads him to continue his training, and face Loki when he gathers an army (not that bad of an idea) but he insists to face him now, ALONE. Loki easily blinds him some powder and  almost takes a Hammer but Jax’ appears out of nowhere (again) and cut offs his arm. Then they run away (again) and Thor (I kid you not) cries like a little baby. Also I’m fascinated by the fact that all of these fights happen in some back alleys and in front of the car repairs and things like that. I think if they tried to film in a populated area they would all be arrested for the lack of  permits. Anyway after being almost hypnotized by Loki’s magic he decides to fight him again! This dude is an imbecile… and a loser too. I mean you have to figure out you’re not very good at this at this point. Then surprisingly he supposedly kills Locky and takes his magic staff with him. After they enter the magically protected sanctuary Locki appears from his stick and Thor gasps in horror. Jarnsaxa saves  him for like a millionth time and they escape. Next with have two of them walking the empty streets… and Loki doing the same. When I think about it almost half of this movie consists of people  walking empty back streets.

You can always notice the extremely evil person because evil people walk a lot…If you live by the Uzi  you will die by the Uzi!

They fail to use the gateway and Loki and Thor face of in the most ridiculous scene here, I’m not gonna spoil it for you but it has an Uzi in it. Thor eventually escapes and in one of the most ridiculous scenes in this ridiculous movie treats the bullet wound with a magic potion.

If you live by the Uzi  you will die by the Uzi!

He eventually comes back for Ja’x but ends up tricked AGAIN and  captured, crucified on top of a building. Loki start tearing up the city using his dinosaurs and all 10 people who seem to live there run in panic. Thor scream like a little girl as he throws him in the realm of dead (or the poor green screen realm as we like to call it). Earth musters little bit of defense but Loki shoots down those helicopters constantly yelling “Ragnarok” like an anime  battle cry or something.

Ragnarok

Yeah, something like that!

Then he finally reaches The Tree of Life, defeats the cyborg knight (who’s still there for some reason) and the End of the World starts- only it looks surprisingly like a ton of archive footage speeded up and played in reverse. Thor forges a new better Hammer (made of metal!) and escapes the realm of Hel and then we have another duel at hand. This time, seeing that the movie is (thankfully) ending Thor is victorious and menages to destroy the old Hammer (remember the lesson here kids, metal is better than stone if you want to hurt someone). To complete the circle he than visits the “The Weavers of Fate” and destroys all their work to prove the point that our destiny is our own. What an inspiration!

Verdict: If this was a non- profit fan film it would be considered an extremely bad one. Considering the fact that you are actually expected to pay for this garbage I believe this should be labeled not as a film but  as a crime against humanity, ’cause it really is just that.

Moguchiy.Tor.2011.L2.HDTVRip-AVC.mkv_004096550 Cody Deal! What an actor!