Posts Tagged ‘Skyscraper’

Next up, a magical journey to the past to save the future! No wait, that actually makes sense.

Continuing our long ( possibly never-ending?) quest of watch all the Barbarian films we encountered an oddity- yes, a time traveling barbarian movie! Generally not a lot of those exist (possibly because Sword and Sorcery and the City doesn’t really go together all that well ) Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal of Time being one of the only notable exemptions from that rule. Also, the movie is directed by B- movie writer Joseph John Barmettler (of Skyscraper fame), and the lead is none other than Deron McBee aka Malibu of American Gladiators (1989).

Our Barbarian King Doran (McBee) likes spending his time strolling the woods, fighting an occasional masked savage(yes, there are different levels of savagery) and scaring his woman with a masked he stole from said savage. So generally good times. He is also the last in long line of Kings (we use this term very broadly ’cause his kingdom is like 10-15 men) entrusted with a mystical amulet with inamaginable powers (including but not limited to space/ time manipulation).  The sacred amulet was originally gifted to his ancestor by a powerful Sorceress for non- disclosed reason.

Ill-advisedly he decides to leave on a hunting trip with his pal while all the barbarian woman engage in some skinny dipping in the river along with some nude gossiping too. Just at that time the evil wizard Mandrak (yes, not really an original name, is it?) decides to strike. Now, Mandrak attacks with his three or four men – he really should have invested in more henchman,  instead of his (limited) magic arsenal. I mean I can find more henchman right now and I have no delusions of world domination or wish to raid any barbarian villages.

Now the protective powers of the amulet are nowhere to be found because Madrak crusifies Lystra between the two trees and then rapes her repeatedly. Probably because he lost a hand in his raid against nude women! Dorin arrives (predictably) too late with Mandrak and his mini- horde all gone along with the amylet. Then he vows vengeance and begins his quest to find the mystical sorceress and right the wrong. Unfortunately at the first step of his “epic” journey he and his friend end up ambushed and his friend pays with his life. I wouldn’t want to be Dorin‘s friend given his recent track record.

Dorin ends up being captured by the savages who sacrifice people to the Lovecraftian deity but eventually Sorcerers show up pretty pissed that he lost her amulet. Now ,Sorceress has a bit of that passive/ aggressive thing going on ’cause she frees him in the end and gifts him with the magic sword from the stone (where have I seen this before?) to help him on his quest of recapturing the sacred amylet?

I wonder what kind of magic is she using for that hair?

And as we all now the only place where a mystical artifact can take you is the Los Angeles in the 90’s Magic simply works that way. Now we see a reporter named Penny who’s just trying to report on rising street violence (kinda like April O’Neil in TMNT), but she becomes a victim of the said violence  in no time. She gets viciously attacked even loosing her shirt in the process (as is mandatory in B-Movies). But our hero shows up just in time, and starts throwing gang members left and right (it seems people have gone soft during the centuries). Reporters deduce that he is from some Nordic country because yeah, in those countries people walk around half naked with swords like it’s the middle ages.

Ok, this dude is the exception.

Now, having a bit of a head start in our brave new world you would expect the Evil Wizard to be ruling L.A. by now. Ok, maybe not the whole city but surely he had taken control of numerous street gangs and made them into his own private army of terror! Nope, not really, he and his only remaining henchman (now sporting a punk rock haircut) are robing random people of the street and spending their money in a seedy bar (with a single hooker). That bar also has probably the ugliest bartender in all the history of cinema

Man this dude is ugly, I still can’t get my head around it

Fascinated by his size the reporter Penny (bearing uncanny resemblance to his dead wife) takes him home and shows him the wonders of modern technology, and also the wonders of modern sex (ok, it hasn’t really progressed that much). Now,  Mandrak’s sees his nemesis on the TV (throwing people around like a crazed WWE wrestler) a spark lights inside him finally lights up. Will his genius finally shine again?  In mere moments he develops a devious plan to defeat the foul Barbarian– to attack him first! To attack him first? Man, he sure is rusty in this plotting evil schemes thing. Well, at least he decides to even the odds by using FIREARMS! Yeah, pure genius. No way he can block the bullets with his magic sword (only he can).

He threatens the goon as seeks the location of Mandrak’s and manages to kill him before he speaks. Thankfully cameraman dude shows up, and somehow they figure out Mandrak’s locations. That location is shockingly just a random warehouse (I guess that’s the only thing crew had available) and the otherwise pathetic finish out to be hell of a lot of a fun because of a simple thing- a hand! You see Dorin was wearing Mandrak’s severed hand on his belt for like a whole hour of the movie and now we know why- to pimp slap the Wizard with his own hand!!! He might act like an idiot in every other scene but here he is comical genius.

Now, after finally defeating the Wizard, reclaiming the amulet and finding the love of his life against all odds, across  the whole space and time what does our hero do? He activates the power of the amulet and strolls back home, walking down the railway too- he is just that stupid. Penny continues her best April O’Neil impersonation by narrating about Dorin’s heroic deeds on camera. And that is all.

Verdict I absolutely understand all the budget constraints (first part of the movie is mostly just forest + a smoke machine) and some thing you can chalk off to 80’s clichess but other things- not so much. For example in the case of Conan the Barbarian Arnold was never given too many lines and that coupled with his incredible physique sold him as formidable and even menacing. On the other hand when you have McBee with his California blonde hair and horse-like teeth (actually quite useful in another role *see Trivia) just blabbing along like a schoolgirl, all of that muscle can’t save him from looking ridiculous. Now, to his credit MbBee sticked to acting even to this day and he actually got a LOT better (see his guest spot on Veronica Mars, episode You Think You Know Somebody if you want proof.)

Trivia: Daron McBee (as if American Gladiators and Time Barbarians weren’t enough) went on to star  in another movie worthy of the WM Crew list. Yes,he appeared in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation as Montaro. Dont’ tell me you’ve forgoten all about this- I mean he is really hard to miss!

“Without your weapons, you are no match for Motaro.”

At certain point in the 90es Anna Nicole Smith, a former model and Playboy’s Playmate decided to further her scope and get into acting. All fine and dandy ,she’s not the first one and most surely won’t be the last one.But there just one little thing. She couldn’t act for the life of her. She couldn’t evens speak English properly and had all the tone and diction of the spoiled 4 year old trailer trash brat. She almost routinely drifted off somewhere in the middle of the sentence if we presume that she knew where she was/ and what she was doing at the first place. It is very rare that I found Schwarzennegers’ heavy Austrian drawl superior when compared to the acting of someone obviously born in the USA but this is most certainly one of these times! Another unexplained and oddly impressive things about the movie is the fact that she decided to do a hard- core Action Flick! Now, I’m all for women taking names and kicking ass but the only parts Anna could have played convincingly were does of voluptuous blonds in some teenage flicks or a romantic comedies. Action movie’s a very different beast and despite her not so small and fragile frame she was everything but the action hero in the making.

Die Hard… with Hooters!

So, we have a sexy helicopter pilot Carrie Wink (Anna Nicole ofc) that offers heli- taxi transport to rich clients. She is happily married to a LAPD detective Gordon and we are often treated to flash back scenes of their domestic life, so we can deduce that their marriage consisted solely of marathon sex with the  occasional break to shoot some cans with heavy weaponry- good for them!

Typical day at Wink residence

Her client is mysterious Mr. Fairfax- in fact a ruthless South African criminal mastermind with a thing for Shakespeare. His final objective- to … four interlocking electronic devices that can seemingly magicly change the balance of power in the world (how it is not explained, ovbiasly it has something to do with satellites). She dispatches Fairfax and his associates all around not even fathoming his true intentions (those being world domination of course! Well this is one rare cases where “stupid blond” stereotype actually makes perfect sense.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_000979228…and typical manicure for a pilot

Fairfaxe’s long haired goons give their best and succeed in aquairing second to last piece but they naturally make a mess of it. Croatian kickboxing champ Cikatic and Lara Croft wannabe chick come to their rescue and they succeed in getting away with the device.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_004884087Croatian Kickboxing sensation Branko Cikatic, enjoys strangling black people in his down time

This movie can be easily categorized as  RPG Porn counting the sheer number of scenes of A Rocket Propelled Grenade launching  despite the facts that those RPG’s are not re-loadable, and shouldn’t be able to fire more than once.*

Finally Ann drops off Fairfax at the top of the Zitex building, the 86-floor skyscraper in downtown L.A. His terrorist friends take over the security system of the building and slowly but surely liquidate the security guards. Now it’s time for heroic Mr. Wink to jump into the action (not knowing his woman is at the top of the same building I guess). Some moments later his partner is killed and he heart-brokenly declares  “he was more to me than a partner” not long afterwords (?) Fairfax has a meeting with Criston who was supposed to sell him the part No.4 but he decides to kill him instead (I guess he’s cheep). Criston menages to escape, albeit for the moment but it was enough for his to give the device to the confused Carrie Wink who realizes something is wrong when Criston dies. Blessed with enough common sense to run for her life Wink jumps into the washer’ rig. Goons start shooting like crazy but are such horrible shots that she menages to survive unscatered. Then she does even riskier thing and attaches herself with one of the  steel winch cables and goes down the side of the building. That of course leaves her in even more vulnerable position but thank God those gunman are such idiots. After being confused by her constant swinging around- Spiderman style they lose her when she finally menages to crash through one of the giant windows and get into one of the offices. She then in the moment of unusual clarity for her character stashes away the case, unfortunately in one of the trash cans (not really the best idea in the world but considering who we’re talking about- good enough)..


What chance does the terrorist organization has against a woman like this? I mean, really!

They kill boy’s mother thinking it’s Wink (because all blonds look the same?) but the boy doesn’t seem to mind. He just wants to ride his bike. Then she teams up with idiotic security guard who probably managed to survive all this because no one in the right mind would consider him a treat. She gives him some lessons in her distinctive southern twang and snatches the gun from him. Unfortunately the goons track her down and she ends up in the gunfight with the long haired German looking muscle bound villain. Both of them shoot randomly at everything and anything but each-other but she comes out on top with a little help from the cowardly security guy. Making her way through the chain of offices she finds the small blond boy on a toy bike and convinces him to hide. Just in time ’cause the other goons are right after them.

In the meantime her husbands Gordon finds a way to infiltrate the building but succeeds in doing nothing when inside- except having a prolonged hide and seek with the Whoopi Goldberg looking dude*


Whoopi Goldberg before the sex change operation

Wink confuses the tech terrorist (the one operating the security cameras) by lighting fire in the waste paper bin causing fire alarm and disabling some of the monitors. Just when it seems she knows what she’s doing she ends up captured. She tries to reason with them and exchange the lives of the hostages for the suitcase but she is unfortunately just not that good with words. She gives away the location of the case and all she gets is one of the guards (the one wearing tight leather pants) trying to nail her in the ass. I know, life is not fair. But Wink is nothing if not resourceful, and she manages to find a paper knife… and procides to stab the goon in groins, shoot him with his own gun with the force of blast pushing him through the window and into his unavoidable death by being squished by lethal combination of velocity and pavement.

Don’t fuck with Anna Nicole… unless she wants you to!

Seeing that the shit hit the fan Fairfax offs the remaining goons and heads out to the copter. He exchanges the blond kid for the blond chick aka Anna Nicole but her silly husband shows up all gung-ho and tries to free her.
Being the evil mastermind that he is Fairfax takes the girl and shoots the cop and just when it seems that he will get away with everything- Wink busts out (no pun intended) some Kung Fu moves and kick his ass to kingdom come!!!, why she haven’t used them in any of the critic situations in the last hour and a half beats me. Anyway,  Wink hugs the little blond boy telling him everything is  all right while we see ambulance taking the body of his dead mother in the background. The End

Infierno de cristal (8)

I guess her brains and beauty will somehow get her out of this?