Posts Tagged ‘Oppai’

Bad hairdos, dire fashion sense and a pumping soundtrack from John Farnham, can only mean one thing; We are back to 80’s! (although WM crew never left 80’s). Time for some revenge – girl style (and I am not referring to any of “GF revenge” porn movies). We at Worsemovies are well aware of what our audience is aspiring for. So without further ado, in cooperation with Danny Steinmann (Friday the 13th: A New  Beginning), for all of you sickos out there who, for some reason, wanted to see Charles Bronson in a dress, we present you – Savage Streets.

 

Following her appearance in The Exorcist and its less than popular sequel, Linda Blair made a career out of exploitation flicks of which this is perhaps the most famously trashy. She plays Brenda, a typical LA girl who leads all-girl gang “The Satins”. Like any other ordinary girls they like to hang around the L.A streets while sipping fruity alcohol and gossiping. They have a run-in with a gang of thugs called “The Scars” who were hitting on them but unsuccessfully. Girls steal and trash their car, and that’s when entire problem begins.

Women driving a car! Run for your lives!

Gang swings by to school in order to get revenge on girls for stealing their car. They try to bully some guys but they end up kicked out of the school by Principal Underwood (played by John Vernon). So they have to lie in wait for another opportunity. It didn’t took too long. They waited for gym room to be emptied so they could drag Brenda’s deaf mute sister Heather (played by Linnea Quigley) to the shower room and gangbang her there. And since Heather can’t speak she couldn’t tell her sister who was behind that. Nor Brenda had any suspects despite the fact it was so obvious considering her recent activities. That evening she went to the bar to party and drink with her friends like nothing had happened. But the gang is there as well. Can you guess whats happening next? That’s right! A bar fight!

 

liAs if one fight wasn’t enough for her Brenda ran into another fight, this time with her slutty classmate over some guy. Nice chick fight, when we can see some nice tits. As a result of that Brenda gets  suspended from the school, after unsuccessfull Principal’s attempt to hit on her. This scholl knows no bounds, I can give them that.

 

Still, not everything is so black and sad. One of her friends Francine (played by Lisa Freeman; known for Back to the Future) is getting married soon. So, while Brenda and the rest of her girl gang are visiting Heather in the hospital, Francine and Maria (played by Luisa Leschin) are going to pick up Francine’s wedding dress. On her way home Francine gets intercepted by gang. They chase her with the car. I thought they just wanted to scare her. But for reasons only known to him, the leader of the gang Jake (played by Robert Dryer) threw Francine off a bridge with words “Here comes the bride”. In the middle of the day with full traffic going on behind him! And no one bothered to stop! Vince (played by Johnny Venocur) freaked out and ran away to the hospital, where he found Heather lying in deep sleep. He tries to apologize her, admitting everything. Right in that moment, Brenda came along and heard entire confession. Now she freaks out at Vince and he runs away. Brenda finally got some clue.

Later that evening she busts into Vince’s house with knife. There he tells her about Francine. Apparently, Brenda didn’t find out that her best friend is that for entire day! I guess she was too blinded by her anger and revenge even to check out how preparations for her friend’s wedding are going. Anyway, she spared Vince and starts preparing for taking revenge girl style (and no again, it is not what you think it is). Dressed like a commando and armed with a crossbow which she bought at the local store (just like that) she went to a warehouse where the gang is gathering and hunted down Fargo (played by Sal Landi) and Red (played by Scott Mayer). Meanwhile, Vince tries to flee town but Jake runs him down with his car. Wanting to celebrate another successful hit, Jake comes to a warehouse where he finds his dead buddies. Brenda was waiting there as well. After some fight she manages to kill Jake by setting him off on fire (or at least a doll that should represent a living man). Police arrives on the spot and not a single question was raised so Brenda is off the hook. Now she has enough time to attend her best friend’s funeral. She wasn’t interested that much in her wedding tho. And that’s how this movie ends

 

Conclusion: This is a perfect 80s exploitation film for all those who are cult film fans, it certainly won’t win any awards but good-golly this is a ham covered, rock n’ roll, crossbow firing good time. It tries to operate within just about every single exploitation subgenre that was active at the time simultaneously. And of course, there’s an amazing amount of tit shots in this one, even by the standards of the 80s. And apparently it’s a film that isn’t bothered about the fact that it’s set in a high school. “Savage Streets” isn’t even approaching a good film in any way and Blair’s performance could be one of the worst ever by a former Oscar nominee. But it is ridiculously entertaining at times and any film that features the line, “I wouldn’t fuck you if you had the last dick on Earth!” is one that I can’t help but defend.

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Ever wondered what it would be like if an entire company has been led by women only? I know I was. We probably get the same picture in our heads: cushions  and make up everywhere, bankruptcy after the first job, walls decorated with Hello Kitty gibberish, astronomical telephone bills, complete lack of infrastructure and any item that could be even considered as useful, starving employees dragging on the floor looking for a spot to die… That looks real pretty much. But this movie tries to show us funny side of women management. Not that funny I hoped it would be…

Limo serviceLimo service…

We get adult situation on the very start of the movie. Boss of carwash company Melissa (played by Kristi Ducati) is making out on the backseat of her limo.  It turns out that their business from the first movie has been a huge success and a purchase contract has been signed with an international corporation  Interglobal Industries. CEO of that company Sanders (played by Larry de Russy) promises to Melissa (while he is crossing his fingers behind his back – very  typical for heartless financial shark)  that she is going to have full control over Bikini Carwash Company. Also, 3 more hot chicks who are in charge of  company are there – Amy (played by Rikki Brando), Sunny (played by Suzanne Browne) and Rita (played by Neriah Napaul). We can tell from the first look at  them that entire company is consisted of dumb bimbos, who just want to have fun and who are making such remarks as “two million dollars are twice as much as one million dollars, right?”, etc. Suspecting nothing they decide to celebrate signing the contract by dancing naked and spilling alcohol on themselves.

Seems like waste of alcohol to me.

But their celebration is a short lived. It seems that Sanders is not such as good boss as they thought he is. During the board meeting, when Sanders freaks  out at his secretary because his glass of water was empty, Melissa did some eavesdropping and learned about his real plans. It turns out that Sanders is  interested only in carwash land which is worth more than Carwash Company itself. Of course, for mere two million dollars they are going to buy that land and
build condos on it. Melissa storms in yelling “How could you do this to me, Mr Sanders” at him with her irritating bimbo voice. Although she has been offered to stay as a boss of new project, Melissa resents the idea of her life work (and underwear for that matter) being torn down with bulldozers. Obviously  pissed off by her remark made to his open flier, Sanders adds that he doesn’t negotiate with bimbos. Aside how big jerk he is the guy got the point there.

When crysis is up girls do what they know best When crisis is up girls do what they know best!

Melissa tries to save things by attempting to seduce Sanders right in his office but he has seen through her. Although he agrees to sell back company to her  10 million dollars. But since she is tried to seduce him he offers to reduce the price for every part of Melissa’s lingerie that hits his carpet. While  stripping for Sanders, Melissa drops the same article of clothing twice. I don’t know if anyone other had noticed this goof. So we come to price of 4 million dollars. It would have been 2 million dollars but Melissa refused to screw him. I don’t know why… Many, many, many other girls parted their legs for much,  much, much less amount of money. So it comes to this: Sanders agrees to sell them company back if they come up with 4 million dollars until Friday. And  Melissa recorded this promise on a tape recorder, just in case it comes to a court of law. But lowering the price wasn’t the only result of Melissa’s  stripping. She also got herself and other girls fired. So, with Bikini Carwash Company out of business and only 4 days left until Friday they need to come up with a new plan for earning money. And don’t miss Sanders’ sinister laugh after Melissa leaves his office. It makes him to look more evil.

The oldest trick(s) in the bookThe oldest trick(s) in the book.

Melissa comes up with the plan of selling lingerie on TV where she and her girls will be models. But they need to takeover The Miracle Network for a week  which got national and satellite frequency in order for their plan to work. And how they are going to do that? With their powers of seduction and with help  of the only person in company who actually got some brains. That person is Melissa’s assistant Derek (played by Greg Raye), a nerdy looking man who’s glasses get fogged whenever he sees naked breasts. Derek always wanted to be TV producer so choosing him seems to make sense. Oh he is done his part of seduction too, when they came to one of TMN’s bosses who is a hot, nerdy looking woman. Interesting thing is that one cameraman looks like former Serbian minister of  police department Dragan Jocic. Hm, makes you think. So, taking over is complete and countdown until Friday may begin.

Now that’s management!

Selling isn’t going as good as they hoped. Melissa realizes that they are not as tempting on TV as they are in real life. To me it seems that it has  something to do with the fact that they look like retarded orangutans while they are dancing in underwear in their commercials. What is the solution then?  Simple. Sex sells. Melissa decides to strike right at couples who need some fire in their relationship/marriage. Of course, according to them, lack of fire  is caused by not enough sexy lingerie. So, Melissa goes for back up… One of her employees, hot blonde Cindy (played by Melissa Barrick) is the perfect  person for dirty commercials.

The only reasonable way to assure business success.

BOOM!!! Sales is through the roof suddenly!!! Every couple wants (at least male part) special lingerie that will get dousers back to their trousers. Sanders starts to be worried so decides to get himself a spy. Which one of Melissa’s girls will have that honor? Of course dumbest (and probably the hottest) one  among them – Sunny. He managed to get her to his side by appealing to her vanity. Also, he chucked in a diamond ring and brand new house in offer. It worked, of course. You can’t go wrong with materialistic things when you need to win over a girl. Even if you need her just to betray her friends. Hell, betraying a  friends is a small price for having expensive ring on her hand and place where she can mate. So, in the next day Sunny was busy with writing down all rules  that girls have broken in their commercials and sending them to Sanders. Just in time when Marshall (played by Garro Ellis) from the FCA (Federal  Communications Administration) arrived to check what is going on National TV. You can see his reaction below.

This man dislikes smut!

As you have already guessed Amy (who is lawyer of Bikini Carwash Company) seduced Marshall and he gave them some bonus time. The rest is just cliché fill  up. Melissa discovers that Sunny betrayed her (and forgave her for that matter), girls engage more hardcore features in their commercials while screwing on  and off camera, managing to earn more than 4 million dollars until Friday which board, consisted of old men, was happy to return to them, Sanders gets fired, etc… Happy end, more bimbos screwing around and breaking “Emergency condoms” glass every fucking 2.5 minutes.

Even a nerd can score…

Conclusion: This is a cute story about bunch of sluts who try to save their half-ass company so that they wouldn’t need to do some actual work. I don’t even  want to comment acting since there is none in this SMUUUUUUUT! garbage. It would be much better movie if there weren’t shameful jingles done by A.Z.R.O. group inserted whenever screenwriters had a blackout. In short, first part was much better. It got some meaning after all. This is just SMUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!

At certain point in the 90es Anna Nicole Smith, a former model and Playboy’s Playmate decided to further her scope and get into acting. All fine and dandy ,she’s not the first one and most surely won’t be the last one.But there just one little thing. She couldn’t act for the life of her. She couldn’t evens speak English properly and had all the tone and diction of the spoiled 4 year old trailer trash brat. She almost routinely drifted off somewhere in the middle of the sentence if we presume that she knew where she was/ and what she was doing at the first place. It is very rare that I found Schwarzennegers’ heavy Austrian drawl superior when compared to the acting of someone obviously born in the USA but this is most certainly one of these times! Another unexplained and oddly impressive things about the movie is the fact that she decided to do a hard- core Action Flick! Now, I’m all for women taking names and kicking ass but the only parts Anna could have played convincingly were does of voluptuous blonds in some teenage flicks or a romantic comedies. Action movie’s a very different beast and despite her not so small and fragile frame she was everything but the action hero in the making.

Die Hard… with Hooters!

So, we have a sexy helicopter pilot Carrie Wink (Anna Nicole ofc) that offers heli- taxi transport to rich clients. She is happily married to a LAPD detective Gordon and we are often treated to flash back scenes of their domestic life, so we can deduce that their marriage consisted solely of marathon sex with the  occasional break to shoot some cans with heavy weaponry- good for them!

Typical day at Wink residence

Her client is mysterious Mr. Fairfax- in fact a ruthless South African criminal mastermind with a thing for Shakespeare. His final objective- to … four interlocking electronic devices that can seemingly magicly change the balance of power in the world (how it is not explained, ovbiasly it has something to do with satellites). She dispatches Fairfax and his associates all around not even fathoming his true intentions (those being world domination of course! Well this is one rare cases where “stupid blond” stereotype actually makes perfect sense.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_000979228…and typical manicure for a pilot

Fairfaxe’s long haired goons give their best and succeed in aquairing second to last piece but they naturally make a mess of it. Croatian kickboxing champ Cikatic and Lara Croft wannabe chick come to their rescue and they succeed in getting away with the device.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_004884087Croatian Kickboxing sensation Branko Cikatic, enjoys strangling black people in his down time

This movie can be easily categorized as  RPG Porn counting the sheer number of scenes of A Rocket Propelled Grenade launching  despite the facts that those RPG’s are not re-loadable, and shouldn’t be able to fire more than once.*

Finally Ann drops off Fairfax at the top of the Zitex building, the 86-floor skyscraper in downtown L.A. His terrorist friends take over the security system of the building and slowly but surely liquidate the security guards. Now it’s time for heroic Mr. Wink to jump into the action (not knowing his woman is at the top of the same building I guess). Some moments later his partner is killed and he heart-brokenly declares  “he was more to me than a partner” not long afterwords (?) Fairfax has a meeting with Criston who was supposed to sell him the part No.4 but he decides to kill him instead (I guess he’s cheep). Criston menages to escape, albeit for the moment but it was enough for his to give the device to the confused Carrie Wink who realizes something is wrong when Criston dies. Blessed with enough common sense to run for her life Wink jumps into the washer’ rig. Goons start shooting like crazy but are such horrible shots that she menages to survive unscatered. Then she does even riskier thing and attaches herself with one of the  steel winch cables and goes down the side of the building. That of course leaves her in even more vulnerable position but thank God those gunman are such idiots. After being confused by her constant swinging around- Spiderman style they lose her when she finally menages to crash through one of the giant windows and get into one of the offices. She then in the moment of unusual clarity for her character stashes away the case, unfortunately in one of the trash cans (not really the best idea in the world but considering who we’re talking about- good enough)..

 

What chance does the terrorist organization has against a woman like this? I mean, really!

They kill boy’s mother thinking it’s Wink (because all blonds look the same?) but the boy doesn’t seem to mind. He just wants to ride his bike. Then she teams up with idiotic security guard who probably managed to survive all this because no one in the right mind would consider him a treat. She gives him some lessons in her distinctive southern twang and snatches the gun from him. Unfortunately the goons track her down and she ends up in the gunfight with the long haired German looking muscle bound villain. Both of them shoot randomly at everything and anything but each-other but she comes out on top with a little help from the cowardly security guy. Making her way through the chain of offices she finds the small blond boy on a toy bike and convinces him to hide. Just in time ’cause the other goons are right after them.

In the meantime her husbands Gordon finds a way to infiltrate the building but succeeds in doing nothing when inside- except having a prolonged hide and seek with the Whoopi Goldberg looking dude*

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_003922710

Whoopi Goldberg before the sex change operation

Wink confuses the tech terrorist (the one operating the security cameras) by lighting fire in the waste paper bin causing fire alarm and disabling some of the monitors. Just when it seems she knows what she’s doing she ends up captured. She tries to reason with them and exchange the lives of the hostages for the suitcase but she is unfortunately just not that good with words. She gives away the location of the case and all she gets is one of the guards (the one wearing tight leather pants) trying to nail her in the ass. I know, life is not fair. But Wink is nothing if not resourceful, and she manages to find a paper knife… and procides to stab the goon in groins, shoot him with his own gun with the force of blast pushing him through the window and into his unavoidable death by being squished by lethal combination of velocity and pavement.

Don’t fuck with Anna Nicole… unless she wants you to!

Seeing that the shit hit the fan Fairfax offs the remaining goons and heads out to the copter. He exchanges the blond kid for the blond chick aka Anna Nicole but her silly husband shows up all gung-ho and tries to free her.
Being the evil mastermind that he is Fairfax takes the girl and shoots the cop and just when it seems that he will get away with everything- Wink busts out (no pun intended) some Kung Fu moves and kick his ass to kingdom come!!!, why she haven’t used them in any of the critic situations in the last hour and a half beats me. Anyway,  Wink hugs the little blond boy telling him everything is  all right while we see ambulance taking the body of his dead mother in the background. The End

Infierno de cristal (8)

I guess her brains and beauty will somehow get her out of this?