What we have here is now legendary low budget Sci Fi flick from the 1979, made in sole purpose to cash money from the enormous success of the Star Wars saga that was blowing people’s minds back in the late 70-ies. Ironically, that was the very tagline of this catastrophe of the movie that we are reviewing right now. Just to get this right, this crap will sure as hell “blow your mind”, but definitely not in the way director has envisioned it…

This could all be happening right now on this planet…  no, not really!

The movie starts of the with some typical 70-ies dude with a vampire mask and some mechanical crap on his arm (that should resemble a sort of laser, but in truth, resembles one of those gypsy toys you can buy at the fair), fighting two clay made aliens, who look kinda cute and produce sounds similar to those of sheeps  during  the mating. Anyways, aliens manage to kill rampaging surfer/vampire dude, and for reasons only known to them leave the mechanical crap on the very same spot the dude has perished. Off they go to space, and it’s up to some other unfortunate fellow to stumble upon the mechanical cr… I mean LASERBLAST!!!!

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_001573655

Up next, we meet our movie’s main protagonist/antagonist  Billy Duncan, played  by Kim Milford, fairly popular during the 70-ies for his roles in bad horror flicks and musicals. He finds out that his mother is leaving for “vacation” (most likely going somewhere to whore…), which leaves him all alone, and vulnerable to bulling from all possible sources, including two “redneck” cops (from California, apparently…), of whom one is avid pothead, two retarded dudes who resemble anything but bullies, and even his girlfriend’s father, who looks like a local homeless drunk that lost his mind decades ago. It should be noted that both Billy, and his girlfriend Kathy are both your typical Californian blondes and look like they have been high on LSD during the whole shooting of the movie and beyond. Small wonder, since both of the actors, (Kim Milford and Cheryl Smith) have passed away in young age from the complications caused by substance abuse. Damnable 70-ies….

Aside, from his girlfriend, who he seems to be in good relationship with, Billy seems to be hated and bullied by everyone else. After escaping from one of those “bullying” situations that are plaguing his life, Billy finds him self in  the middle of the desert, melancholic and depressed. And that’s when he finally stumbles upon… you guess it – LASERBLAST!!! For the next couple of incredibly long and boring minutes we watch Billy as he plays with his newfound toy, waiting for him to finally find out how to use it, or shoot it, if you will… Some 15-20 mins later (or at least it felt that long) he finally, accidentally of course, finds out how the thing works, prompting it to shoot – LASERBLASTS!!! Ok, I’ll stop with that now, I promise…

Nothing special is going on as movie progresses, and if you are still awake after all this time, you might find intriguing, that during the local pool party, Billy finds the two local bullies trying to rape his girlfriend, and starts defending her fiercely. He manages to fight them off, and just when he is about to use a stool or something as a weapon, Kathy sooths him down, and pleads him to leave the scene peacefully. I mean, it’s no big deal, they only tried to rape her, right?… WRONG! – according to Kathy, at least…

That night, Billy finally embraces his dark side, putting on LASERB… ok, mechanical crap, altogether with the vampire mask. Those two are going together, I guess… He then tries to kill the two bullies we mentioned in the last paragraph, but fails only destroying their car. The “sheep” aliens are alerted that someone has used their LAS… mechanical crap, and are ordered by their leader to go on Earth and investigate, AGAIN… Local police are also alerted and, as they are prompting an investigation, we meet the government official, Tony Craig, who is presented like a hero that’s going to solve all the troubles in the matter of minutes, but yet, he manages to do absolutely nothing till the end of the movie. Epic…

images

Man it feels good having a LASERBLAST!

Alien -laser-thingy-crap starts taking Billy’s mind and soul bit by bit, as he starts the murderous rampage, killing everyone that ever did something wrong to him, even the local doctor who examined the strange anomaly that started growing in his chest, and was suspicious about it. Billy finally completely flips, when his GF Kathy (after horrendous sex scene) puts some sort of light bulb on his chest transforming him into the very same laser shooting vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude* from the beginning. Now permanently, though… Kathy runs off screaming and Billy proceeds to destroy everything in his sight. After both redneck cops, bullies, some poor hippie and who knows who else are dead, Billy turns his attention to the city center.

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_003717630

* Vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude

Now I must warn you – if you are in any sort of  prohibited substance abuse, this would be a good time to use it. If you are not, don’t worry, after watching the next scene, you’ll feel like you’ve been on a week long crack binge. Now, I won’t go in a unnecessary details here, as I feel my mind might just blow up remembering this scene (hence the movie tagline), but it will suffice to say that for the next 15-20 minutes you will be watching  Billy in slow motion, destroying mostly cars, soc-realistics kiosks and posts with his laser-crap, all while ravaging around like a tiny, crack filled offspring of  a Hulk, Vampire and your average surfer. Oh, you will also be listening to exactly one, high pitched note from the keyboard during the whole scene. Joy, eh?...

Now then, if you are still sane, conscious and capable of continuing, we applaud you, and you shell be awarded not two, but three questions in our upcoming “Ask Milan” column (make them as perverse as you can, please…). You will also find out that movie is about to hit it’s climax, as Billy stumbles upon Kathy and the government official, (who hasn’t done anything so far). Just as he is about to blast them, the “sheep” aliens show up out of nowhere, one of them standing on the building, towering over everyone. How nobody managed to see them remains the mystery… Anyway, the one standing on the building model shoots another laser-crap-thingie (btw, that was one of the worst stop motion animations that I have ever saw…) managing to kill Billy, and destroy LASERBLAST!!! in the process. Last scene shows Kathy crying over Billy’s corpse. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the end of it.

Now, for the sake of your mind, go outside and take a long walk, all while taking deep breaths. You’ll need it in order to free your mind from this monstrosity who’s director never filmed anything else for the remainder of his life, and who’s two main actors ended up as homeless drug addicts.

It’s also worth noting that this picture managed to do something no other movie has managed to do – unite the world in one, solitary, firmly based opinion. No matter how crappy the film is, you will always find someone that really likes it. That’s not the case with LASERBLAST!!! Everyone who ever “graced “ their eyes upon this wretchedness, agrees that it is a single most crappy made piece of shit that has ever been produced in cinema. Take from that what you will…

Milhaus

Animated version of our protagonist

Conclusion: If a scale of 1-10 is used to rate all movies, every other movie ever made must get 10/10 in order to accommodate this movie (which gets 0/10) on the same scale.

Now, let us all sing along!

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