Posts Tagged ‘LSD’

What we have here is now legendary low budget Sci Fi flick from the 1979, made in sole purpose to cash money from the enormous success of the Star Wars saga that was blowing people’s minds back in the late 70-ies. Ironically, that was the very tagline of this catastrophe of the movie that we are reviewing right now. Just to get this right, this crap will sure as hell “blow your mind”, but definitely not in the way director has envisioned it…

This could all be happening right now on this planet…  no, not really!

The movie starts of the with some typical 70-ies dude with a vampire mask and some mechanical crap on his arm (that should resemble a sort of laser, but in truth, resembles one of those gypsy toys you can buy at the fair), fighting two clay made aliens, who look kinda cute and produce sounds similar to those of sheeps  during  the mating. Anyways, aliens manage to kill rampaging surfer/vampire dude, and for reasons only known to them leave the mechanical crap on the very same spot the dude has perished. Off they go to space, and it’s up to some other unfortunate fellow to stumble upon the mechanical cr… I mean LASERBLAST!!!!

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_001573655

Up next, we meet our movie’s main protagonist/antagonist  Billy Duncan, played  by Kim Milford, fairly popular during the 70-ies for his roles in bad horror flicks and musicals. He finds out that his mother is leaving for “vacation” (most likely going somewhere to whore…), which leaves him all alone, and vulnerable to bulling from all possible sources, including two “redneck” cops (from California, apparently…), of whom one is avid pothead, two retarded dudes who resemble anything but bullies, and even his girlfriend’s father, who looks like a local homeless drunk that lost his mind decades ago. It should be noted that both Billy, and his girlfriend Kathy are both your typical Californian blondes and look like they have been high on LSD during the whole shooting of the movie and beyond. Small wonder, since both of the actors, (Kim Milford and Cheryl Smith) have passed away in young age from the complications caused by substance abuse. Damnable 70-ies….

Aside, from his girlfriend, who he seems to be in good relationship with, Billy seems to be hated and bullied by everyone else. After escaping from one of those “bullying” situations that are plaguing his life, Billy finds him self in  the middle of the desert, melancholic and depressed. And that’s when he finally stumbles upon… you guess it – LASERBLAST!!! For the next couple of incredibly long and boring minutes we watch Billy as he plays with his newfound toy, waiting for him to finally find out how to use it, or shoot it, if you will… Some 15-20 mins later (or at least it felt that long) he finally, accidentally of course, finds out how the thing works, prompting it to shoot – LASERBLASTS!!! Ok, I’ll stop with that now, I promise…

Nothing special is going on as movie progresses, and if you are still awake after all this time, you might find intriguing, that during the local pool party, Billy finds the two local bullies trying to rape his girlfriend, and starts defending her fiercely. He manages to fight them off, and just when he is about to use a stool or something as a weapon, Kathy sooths him down, and pleads him to leave the scene peacefully. I mean, it’s no big deal, they only tried to rape her, right?… WRONG! – according to Kathy, at least…

That night, Billy finally embraces his dark side, putting on LASERB… ok, mechanical crap, altogether with the vampire mask. Those two are going together, I guess… He then tries to kill the two bullies we mentioned in the last paragraph, but fails only destroying their car. The “sheep” aliens are alerted that someone has used their LAS… mechanical crap, and are ordered by their leader to go on Earth and investigate, AGAIN… Local police are also alerted and, as they are prompting an investigation, we meet the government official, Tony Craig, who is presented like a hero that’s going to solve all the troubles in the matter of minutes, but yet, he manages to do absolutely nothing till the end of the movie. Epic…

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Man it feels good having a LASERBLAST!

Alien -laser-thingy-crap starts taking Billy’s mind and soul bit by bit, as he starts the murderous rampage, killing everyone that ever did something wrong to him, even the local doctor who examined the strange anomaly that started growing in his chest, and was suspicious about it. Billy finally completely flips, when his GF Kathy (after horrendous sex scene) puts some sort of light bulb on his chest transforming him into the very same laser shooting vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude* from the beginning. Now permanently, though… Kathy runs off screaming and Billy proceeds to destroy everything in his sight. After both redneck cops, bullies, some poor hippie and who knows who else are dead, Billy turns his attention to the city center.

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_003717630

* Vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude

Now I must warn you – if you are in any sort of  prohibited substance abuse, this would be a good time to use it. If you are not, don’t worry, after watching the next scene, you’ll feel like you’ve been on a week long crack binge. Now, I won’t go in a unnecessary details here, as I feel my mind might just blow up remembering this scene (hence the movie tagline), but it will suffice to say that for the next 15-20 minutes you will be watching  Billy in slow motion, destroying mostly cars, soc-realistics kiosks and posts with his laser-crap, all while ravaging around like a tiny, crack filled offspring of  a Hulk, Vampire and your average surfer. Oh, you will also be listening to exactly one, high pitched note from the keyboard during the whole scene. Joy, eh?...

Now then, if you are still sane, conscious and capable of continuing, we applaud you, and you shell be awarded not two, but three questions in our upcoming “Ask Milan” column (make them as perverse as you can, please…). You will also find out that movie is about to hit it’s climax, as Billy stumbles upon Kathy and the government official, (who hasn’t done anything so far). Just as he is about to blast them, the “sheep” aliens show up out of nowhere, one of them standing on the building, towering over everyone. How nobody managed to see them remains the mystery… Anyway, the one standing on the building model shoots another laser-crap-thingie (btw, that was one of the worst stop motion animations that I have ever saw…) managing to kill Billy, and destroy LASERBLAST!!! in the process. Last scene shows Kathy crying over Billy’s corpse. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the end of it.

Now, for the sake of your mind, go outside and take a long walk, all while taking deep breaths. You’ll need it in order to free your mind from this monstrosity who’s director never filmed anything else for the remainder of his life, and who’s two main actors ended up as homeless drug addicts.

It’s also worth noting that this picture managed to do something no other movie has managed to do – unite the world in one, solitary, firmly based opinion. No matter how crappy the film is, you will always find someone that really likes it. That’s not the case with LASERBLAST!!! Everyone who ever “graced “ their eyes upon this wretchedness, agrees that it is a single most crappy made piece of shit that has ever been produced in cinema. Take from that what you will…

Milhaus

Animated version of our protagonist

Conclusion: If a scale of 1-10 is used to rate all movies, every other movie ever made must get 10/10 in order to accommodate this movie (which gets 0/10) on the same scale.

Now, let us all sing along!

ZARDOZ is an unexplainable film by the legendary director John Boorman (Hope and Glory, Excalibur). Yes, even though we’re talking about 70es no amounts of LSD can justify the existence of this movie! After retiring the famed agent 007 Sean Connery decided to broaden his specter as an actor- all fair and square. He stared his post-Bond career with a hard hitting police drama The Offense, and then his further artistic explorations led him to…  THIS?!

DAMN!

In the year of 2293, a post-apocalyptic Earth is inhabited mostly by the Brutals, who are ruled by the secret clan of  Eternals. Eternals use special class of Brutals, called the Exterminators, as their enforcers.The Exterminators worship their god Zardoz, a huge, flying, stone head.

Can’t argue with that.

Zed (Sean Connery), an Exterminator, apparently bored from constant raping and killing finds a way to hide within the Zardoz’s head. How he got that idea is beyond me. He shoots  and kills pilot of a giant head. It seems that Eternals are not really that eternal after all. The Zardoz head with Zed inside returns to a secret community of civilized beings called Vortex. Once in Vortex he is found and detained by two ladies (Consuella and May) using their psychic powers of course. After reading his mind Consuella advocates immediate execution of Zed, but May is fascinated citing first real contact with outside world in ages as a reason to keep him around for study. The fact that she just “saw” Zed raping a woman in Zardoz’s name doesn’t seem to be troubling her the slightest. Anyway after some time they let Zed roam free and (probably a foolish decision) show him around the Vortex. He finds that Eternals  giving their limitless life span grew bored and lost any kind of real purpose. Also men became totally impotent. He witnesses their retarded social rules that result in punishment of those who think outside the box, the punishment being artificial aging and senility that fallows it. They of course keep studying him, disgusted and fascinated by the fact that he is capable of erection different than their Vortex men…

The Great Mystery!

After extensive research May concludes that he is a second or third generation mutant and that he is mentally as well as physically superior than anyone in the Vortex and is therefore dangerous!

Zed is Da Man, deal with it!

After that Eternals gather and lead by Concuella vote to determine his fate. They give May 7 days to complete her studies before Zed is destroyed. Then they continue with their gayish hippie rituals.Next, May is hypnotizing Zed  and we are treated with number of flashback, learning  to read in the ruins of  the old world  and his realization of origin of the name Zardoz- Wizard of Oz*. So we finally know the origin of his plan! Strange but it’s an explanation.

Aha!

Unfortunately Concuella interrupts their session and decides to punish May by rapid aging! She is for some reason jealous of her cause she was held by Zeds strong and hairy arms? Maybe she does not despise brutes or sex as much as she lets on? Despite her efforts Zed escapes and causes the ruckus, succeeds in absorbing all the knowledge of  Eternals (from their artificial intelligence, The Tubernuckle) and even allows the hordes of Exterminators into the fabled city! Complete death and destruction fallows.

Concuella tries to kill him even though it’s too late to save the city but she stops and then Zed declares “you gave me  what no other gave me- love”Just like that- without any set up. Hell, she actively  tried to kill him many times- and just ’cause she is not capable to get her hands dirty it’s love? I think I need to update my definition of love ASAP! Anyway city is destroyed, most Eternals dead (including May and her friend Friend), and  minority that survived forced to join the regular “Brutals”.

Zed and Concuella as suddenly in the cave, together, rapidly aging in time- lapse until there is nothing left but  skeletons, then dust and an old revolver of Zed. The End.*

The End

Verdict- it took me approximately 48 hours  to start to function as a proper human being again after watching this film.  More side- effect will probably show themselves in time… Anyway, I  know the puling force of Sean Connery in red diapers and  knee-high leather boots is incredibly strong but maybe you should choose to save your sanity instead.

And kids- remember!