Posts Tagged ‘Aliens’

With a combination of a poor man’s Albert Pyun aka Philip J Roth and SyFy Channel production (more precisely reduction) values along with ex- marine/ kickboxing champ Gruner you know you’re completely screwed from the get go.

Gruner as always demonstrates some impressive moves and the whole fight choreography we see in the beginning of the movie has almost Hong Kong style action vibe. Unfortunately that is all we get in that department (couple more fight scenes are scattered through the movie but not nearly well done as this one). Anyway Gruner and Co. successfully complete another ultra top secret mission but they don’t realy get any time to celebrate. Mysterious object crushes somewhere on the Mexican border causing all communication to break down. The aria ends up completely sealed off with a cover story of disease and contamination. So what’s American government going to do- as always what they want to do! The fact that alien vessel crushed in Mexico not USA doesn’t bother them at all.

Psychopath looking long haired dude is in charge and he does the only logical thing to do- calls Gruner and Co aka The Interceptors. After briefing (that miraculously contains almost zero information ) his team is paired with two scientist (redhead and a obnoxious Mexican). Gruner tries to get them out of equation but at the end reluctantly agrees.

Next thing we see is small Mexican town that seems to be stuck in 19th century by all accounts. Evil drug cartel is in control and we can see guy looking Mexican giving orders and bunch of his man acting like animals.Evil boss does have his main bitch by his side but not even that makes him manly. Also they seem to kill some old man right on the street for no apparent reason. They really don’t care for the whole “ruling from the shadows” shtick. Interceptors soon arrive but quickly get themselves in trouble. In a scene lifted straight from The Predator one of Gruner’s main people, William Zabka (aka the evil blond kid from Karate Kid) gets chopped into pieces. Gruners starts questioning the scientist little bit after this strange occurrence.On the other hand his black, deadlocked friend gets extremely upset over the fact that Goodwin and Perez are seriously payed and he is getting next to nothing in comparison. The fact that one of his team ended up in pieces mere moments ago doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

Finally Gruner and co roll straight into the town- and first things first get into the bar. As expected ugly and dirty criminals start hitting on the little redhead scientist and they pay the ultimate price as Gruner unlishes his Kung Fu skills. Interestingly the there’s a Chinese dude in there somewhere who’s sole purpose seem to be to do cool moves but get beat afterwords (common occurrence in American films for some reason).Gruner and the redhead menage to get alive out of there but some tugs fallow them and just when you thing they are doomed alien shows up and helps them (?). Then he turns from his invisible mode into the “dead friend mode”- taking the face of not too long dead Zabka. Gruner sees trough his disguise and tries fighting him but hand to hand combat doesn’t seem to be the right strategy against the aliens for some reason.

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The fastest gunslinger in the known universe.

He survives somehow but is extremely confused by what happened and finally starts demanding some explanations. Pressed by Gruner and his slightly crazy black friend scientist finally talk. This is not the first case of alien attack. The first one was eventually solved by nucking it all to kingdom come and it seems likely that their mission could end up the same way. Oh, yeah, they also brought the ultimate energy weapon that can be used in killing aliens but they never really thought about letting the Interceptors now- and these are supposed to be extremely smart people again? Gruner than decides to lure the alien (?) by walking into the town again, this time seemingly without any back-up. Suddenly the shack behind him explodes and soon enough the alien transfers to visible mode. He empties the whole clip into the creature but the alien seems unfazed. Then for no reason whatsoever it transforms into Karate Kid Villain again and start taunting Gruner. Gruner tries to fight him and again fails miserably (this is becoming a habit of his). While he desperately fights for his life the remainder of the team (the black dude) + scientist arrive carrying the ultra-high tech plasma thingie. Then the Mexican drug lord decides to join the party and tests the creature reaction to shotgun blast- it proved to be no big deal unfortunately. Team and some local Mexicans scramble and menage to regroup. They finally decide that killing the creature is more important than killing echother but is it too late now?

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“Trust me, I got this.”

The black dude arrives last to their little hideout but… he is no longer a black dude- he is the ALIEN happy to use a new desquise (after deposing an original of course). Gruner learned not to trust his eyes by this point so he starts shooting at a thing and then kicking and punching  him when he runs out of bullets. He fares a little better than before and but ends up in grappling range with a opponent of far superior strength and that spells trouble! But he suddenly escapes via uber- cool back-flip thus creating the opening for a redhead who finally fires that cursed space weapon and fries the damned thing! Finally the alien is dead! Or is it?

In the very last moments of the film creature pulls itself together from the pieces (ovbiasly it can do that) and possesses the crime boss (and it can do that too!) It menages to surprise the scientist and kills them both. Gruner menages to escape but than realizes it’s “NUKE THEM ALL AND LET GOD SORT THEM OUT” time. Long haired maniac finally lost his patience it seems.

So than, the only logical thing happens- Gruner casually out runs the blast of the nuclear explosion (that FINALLY, TRULY destroys the aliens ) and then protects himself by jumping into a well !!! Yes, a freaking well- I don’t know maybe it’s a magical one (if only all the poor people who died from nuclear explosions knew  this little trick for protection)??? Next thing we see are scenes of very minor destruction, Gruner of course unharmed getting out of the the well and… a Mexican lady that was with leader of the gang? He momentarily starts hitting the poor girl in the face as hard as he can and then finally realizes she is not the alien. Then he starts to apologize but the Mexican lady start kicking his ass all the way to Sunday and movie ends- raising far more questions than it answered, questions like- WTF JUST HAPPENED?!

Maybe we’ll see Gruner next as DC Comic’s The Flash?

Verdict: If Olivier Gruner had spent the same amount of time he spent learning martial arts on learning English language he wouldn’t have to act in a crap like this.

Trivia:  Interceptor Force had been the ScFy Channel’s highest-rated TV-movie ’till that point. A bit sad when you think about it.

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What we have here is now legendary low budget Sci Fi flick from the 1979, made in sole purpose to cash money from the enormous success of the Star Wars saga that was blowing people’s minds back in the late 70-ies. Ironically, that was the very tagline of this catastrophe of the movie that we are reviewing right now. Just to get this right, this crap will sure as hell “blow your mind”, but definitely not in the way director has envisioned it…

This could all be happening right now on this planet…  no, not really!

The movie starts of the with some typical 70-ies dude with a vampire mask and some mechanical crap on his arm (that should resemble a sort of laser, but in truth, resembles one of those gypsy toys you can buy at the fair), fighting two clay made aliens, who look kinda cute and produce sounds similar to those of sheeps  during  the mating. Anyways, aliens manage to kill rampaging surfer/vampire dude, and for reasons only known to them leave the mechanical crap on the very same spot the dude has perished. Off they go to space, and it’s up to some other unfortunate fellow to stumble upon the mechanical cr… I mean LASERBLAST!!!!

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_001573655

Up next, we meet our movie’s main protagonist/antagonist  Billy Duncan, played  by Kim Milford, fairly popular during the 70-ies for his roles in bad horror flicks and musicals. He finds out that his mother is leaving for “vacation” (most likely going somewhere to whore…), which leaves him all alone, and vulnerable to bulling from all possible sources, including two “redneck” cops (from California, apparently…), of whom one is avid pothead, two retarded dudes who resemble anything but bullies, and even his girlfriend’s father, who looks like a local homeless drunk that lost his mind decades ago. It should be noted that both Billy, and his girlfriend Kathy are both your typical Californian blondes and look like they have been high on LSD during the whole shooting of the movie and beyond. Small wonder, since both of the actors, (Kim Milford and Cheryl Smith) have passed away in young age from the complications caused by substance abuse. Damnable 70-ies….

Aside, from his girlfriend, who he seems to be in good relationship with, Billy seems to be hated and bullied by everyone else. After escaping from one of those “bullying” situations that are plaguing his life, Billy finds him self in  the middle of the desert, melancholic and depressed. And that’s when he finally stumbles upon… you guess it – LASERBLAST!!! For the next couple of incredibly long and boring minutes we watch Billy as he plays with his newfound toy, waiting for him to finally find out how to use it, or shoot it, if you will… Some 15-20 mins later (or at least it felt that long) he finally, accidentally of course, finds out how the thing works, prompting it to shoot – LASERBLASTS!!! Ok, I’ll stop with that now, I promise…

Nothing special is going on as movie progresses, and if you are still awake after all this time, you might find intriguing, that during the local pool party, Billy finds the two local bullies trying to rape his girlfriend, and starts defending her fiercely. He manages to fight them off, and just when he is about to use a stool or something as a weapon, Kathy sooths him down, and pleads him to leave the scene peacefully. I mean, it’s no big deal, they only tried to rape her, right?… WRONG! – according to Kathy, at least…

That night, Billy finally embraces his dark side, putting on LASERB… ok, mechanical crap, altogether with the vampire mask. Those two are going together, I guess… He then tries to kill the two bullies we mentioned in the last paragraph, but fails only destroying their car. The “sheep” aliens are alerted that someone has used their LAS… mechanical crap, and are ordered by their leader to go on Earth and investigate, AGAIN… Local police are also alerted and, as they are prompting an investigation, we meet the government official, Tony Craig, who is presented like a hero that’s going to solve all the troubles in the matter of minutes, but yet, he manages to do absolutely nothing till the end of the movie. Epic…

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Man it feels good having a LASERBLAST!

Alien -laser-thingy-crap starts taking Billy’s mind and soul bit by bit, as he starts the murderous rampage, killing everyone that ever did something wrong to him, even the local doctor who examined the strange anomaly that started growing in his chest, and was suspicious about it. Billy finally completely flips, when his GF Kathy (after horrendous sex scene) puts some sort of light bulb on his chest transforming him into the very same laser shooting vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude* from the beginning. Now permanently, though… Kathy runs off screaming and Billy proceeds to destroy everything in his sight. After both redneck cops, bullies, some poor hippie and who knows who else are dead, Billy turns his attention to the city center.

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_003717630

* Vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude

Now I must warn you – if you are in any sort of  prohibited substance abuse, this would be a good time to use it. If you are not, don’t worry, after watching the next scene, you’ll feel like you’ve been on a week long crack binge. Now, I won’t go in a unnecessary details here, as I feel my mind might just blow up remembering this scene (hence the movie tagline), but it will suffice to say that for the next 15-20 minutes you will be watching  Billy in slow motion, destroying mostly cars, soc-realistics kiosks and posts with his laser-crap, all while ravaging around like a tiny, crack filled offspring of  a Hulk, Vampire and your average surfer. Oh, you will also be listening to exactly one, high pitched note from the keyboard during the whole scene. Joy, eh?...

Now then, if you are still sane, conscious and capable of continuing, we applaud you, and you shell be awarded not two, but three questions in our upcoming “Ask Milan” column (make them as perverse as you can, please…). You will also find out that movie is about to hit it’s climax, as Billy stumbles upon Kathy and the government official, (who hasn’t done anything so far). Just as he is about to blast them, the “sheep” aliens show up out of nowhere, one of them standing on the building, towering over everyone. How nobody managed to see them remains the mystery… Anyway, the one standing on the building model shoots another laser-crap-thingie (btw, that was one of the worst stop motion animations that I have ever saw…) managing to kill Billy, and destroy LASERBLAST!!! in the process. Last scene shows Kathy crying over Billy’s corpse. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the end of it.

Now, for the sake of your mind, go outside and take a long walk, all while taking deep breaths. You’ll need it in order to free your mind from this monstrosity who’s director never filmed anything else for the remainder of his life, and who’s two main actors ended up as homeless drug addicts.

It’s also worth noting that this picture managed to do something no other movie has managed to do – unite the world in one, solitary, firmly based opinion. No matter how crappy the film is, you will always find someone that really likes it. That’s not the case with LASERBLAST!!! Everyone who ever “graced “ their eyes upon this wretchedness, agrees that it is a single most crappy made piece of shit that has ever been produced in cinema. Take from that what you will…

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Animated version of our protagonist

Conclusion: If a scale of 1-10 is used to rate all movies, every other movie ever made must get 10/10 in order to accommodate this movie (which gets 0/10) on the same scale.

Now, let us all sing along!

The main selling point of this film is Robert Z’Dar, star of a cult feature The Maniac Cop (and it’s two sequels) but for some reason he stars here as Japanese (!!!) Yakuza enforcer Yamashita. On the contrary the lead here is stone faced, one- time Stallone’s bodyguard of the name Matt Hannon. He was so dedicated to this film, his first (and last) feature that he decided to cut off his long hair during the filming of the movie and was forced to wear ridiculous female wig for more than half of the filming!

samurai cop

There’s something terribly wrong with this picture!

Movie starts with Frank Washington, epitome of 80es black police-man who gets a new partner from San Diego
incredible Joe “Samurai” Marshall, long haired California dude, supposedly fantastic martial artist and even better cop. He joins Frank to take down L.A. based Yakuza organization with incredibly retarded name- Katana Gang. Also more that 2/3 of gangsters are not even Japanese (although Z’Darr pretends to be one). After … chase scene and Marshall yelling “s-shot them” Frank succeeds and the van explodes (two times). The driver escapes, unfortunately in flames but Marshall and Frank pull out the security blanket (?) and fire extinguisher and save his life.

Also after completing their mission Marshall points to the female cop piloting a helicopter and says “see you tonight” With a trick of rushed editing it’s already tonight and we are treated with soft- soft- soft core sex scene of Marshall and a blond cop lady. Strangely none of the two feels any need to remove their pants during the whole scene which unfortunately seems to last ages.

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Cop Lady, proficient in riding a helicopter… and Matt Hannon!

Meanwhile in the headquarters of the Katana Gang the mullet wearing boss (of crime) Mr. Fujiyama is giving orders. Like any true Japanese traditionalist he wants the head of the driver- so he can place in on top of his piano? Z’Darr, I mean Yamashita doesn’t question that strange request because he is the true Samurai*

Samurai_with_sword

   *interesting because the status of samurai was abolished in Japan with the Meiji reforms in the late 19th century

Here we can see the effect “Samurai” Marshall has on ladies

Yamashita succeeds in his mission aided by his hot red- headed partner (porn actress Krista Lane- Deep Troath II). In fact she gets him in hospital acting as a janitor (dressed as a nurse) pushing the cloth- cover cart which hides Yamashita inside of it. He demonstrates his knowledge of sword veilding by using probably the sharpest blade ever made as butcher knife! They almost escape without a trace but an idiot cop finally notices that their witness is missing and he sounds the alarm. That complicates things a bit but Yamashita just destroys everyone on his path and they run away.

Samurai and Frank feel the anger of their boss (see bellow) but black partner cheers him up by kissing his bold head. He chase them away but smiles when he’s finally alone. Some old cop got a tip on the location of the gang leader so he informs “The Samurai” He surprises Mr. Fuyita and his underlings in a restaurant delivering a heartfelt speech.*

“…a heartfelt speech”

Also he hits on blond “all- American” girl, the owner of the restaurant because that’s just something that he does. After that Dynamic Duo of Frank and Marshall is faced with tons of goons, none of them match for their skill. Marshall shows his martial art knowledge by swinging a sword wildly with imbecilic face expression. Also he cut off an arm of one of the assailants and the said assailant died from bleeding 10 seconds afterwords. Yamashita is outraged by incompetence of his henchmen so he does what any real samurai would do- takes out an uzi and starts shooting like there’s  no tomorrow. Cops survive the bullets somehow but the criminals don’t. After that Yamashita runs away and detectives go too. They don’t try to do reasonable thing like try to arrest him for attacking the officers- NO! That’s not how they do business- they just pretend they have no evidence to book him (lots of bullet holes in their car and a bunch of dead criminals can be ignored it seems).

Dynamic Duo succeeds in finding the locations of only non- mullet wearing villain aka Elvis Fu (see Day of the Warrior by Andy Sidaris) and after a mismatched Kung Fu fight which little man truly tries to make entertaining (even thou he is pared with incompetent loser like Marshall) he ends up dead and they get nowhere.

Why they keep trying to figure out where is the mysterious headquarter of Katana Gang they decide to take the first step. They start torturing and killing police officers who work with “Samurai” trying to get a location of his house. Because the movie is set in 80es they probably should have just dialed information or maybe find an adressbook- everybody was listed in those days. Maybe there’s something in BUSHIDO that forbids them address-books, who knows? They kill the old cop and his wife, then they start torturing whore cop aka blond who drives helicopter (who mysteriously gained something like 20 pounds since we last saw her). The black cop is also on the target list but he somehow survives.

At the same time Marshall is seducing the “all- American” girl by preparing her a fried chicken (which he caught himself, I mean stole from his neighbor), then taking her to a beach which mysteriously morphed into a pool just a few seconds later. Finally he gets into her pants and then does nothing but kiss her while slow jazz music goes on and on in the background…

When mafia finally reaches his house he is prepared. He start offing the one at a time and after his incredible partner joins him (he needs a sidekicks in the background to  make funny faces while he is doing all the work or he feels sad) Yamashita yells “you can never run away from me” but 5 seconds later they did just that. Next thing you know Dynamic Duo are in office of police chief and he advices them to kill everyone and then give up on the whole cop thing and they take it to heart. After somehow realizing the location that they were they were not able to find the whole movie they head for final confrontation with Mr. Fujiama and his evil samurai Yamashita!

Unfortunately Fujiama is one step in fron of them- he now has Marshall’s girl and he’s holding her at gunpoint. After stand off he menages to shoot not the girl but the black partner… thankfully he has the west so he quickly recovers and guns him down. He then raves about being the smartest person alive ’cause he remembered to wear a west. After some default kissing and hugging “Samurai” and his black partner start gunning down the rest of the henchmen including the only freakin’ person who could knew how to swing a sword.

Then inevitable happens… and  we are treated with the most amazing thing ever, the duel of samurais!!! They stare at echother and suddenly they are transported from the backyard in some kind of desert where we can enjoy western- like cool framing as they approach one another. Then the fighting starts. First thing you notice is that there is aposlutely nothing samurai about this fight- neither of one bothered to take couple kendo lessons and make it at lest little bit believable- they just swing wildly then both lose they swords and start fist fighting- then Z’Dar ends up blind from the eye- chops, then he regains his vision and they somehow end up with swords in their hands- again! Oh, man- terrible editing FTW! Marshall finally stop him by catching his arm and then elbowing his back about million times- and for some reason that seems to hurt him very much. Then he does this strange thing with his neck and it snaps like a twig.
And then Z’Dar is in the dirt and his neck seems fine. After declaring ” You lost… you lost face” Hannon tries to chop of his head but his partner (who was there just watching the whole time) yells “no, you’re a cop” and he has change of heart. Disgraced Yamashita kills himself with a knife, but Marshall lets him do that and forbids Frank from interfering. We see a zoom of Yamashita’s bloodied up face, some Sega music and the movie ends and we are left wondering what the hell did we just saw.

“Let’s see how good you are with the sword samurai supercop!”

Verdict: If some alien civilization received the signals from Earth (including some movies) and then one of the aliens tried to explain concept of “Movies” to another one, and then that one decided to make a film of his own- without actually seeing how they look like- he would probably wind up with the end result not unlike Samurai Cop!

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Probable look of a writer/director of this film