Almighty Thor (2011)

Posted: 17/06/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,

We already knew that this movie is extremely rushed low budget piece courtesy of Asylum but they still managed to surprise us.  Movie starts with Loki chanting some supposedly evil things a laughing. Coincidentally Loki is played by none other than Richard Grieco, once upon a time a Teen Idol, now definitely not a teen, and idol even less than that. He magically transports to Valhalla much to detriment of Odin’s soldiers who tries to stop him. They fail. In the meantime Odin (very cave- man looking wrestler Kevin Nash)and he’s two sons, tough Baldir and imbecilic Thor climb a sacred mountain to consult “The Weavers of Fate”. Weavers don’t seem to like him as they suggest he gives the Hammer of Invincibility to Loki and give up even before the battle has started. They predict the imminent destruction of all realms including Asgard, Earth and… the other realms (hmmm… someone was to bored to look it up in Wikipedia it seems). Odin is angry but Thor seeing the prophets of doom declares “I don’t believe in faith” with extremely dumb look on his face and then they all leave.

Don’t know about acting but Kevin Nash’s Odin would kicks Anthony Hopkins ass 3 ways till Sunday!

Loki is working hard on conquering Asgard, that’s rather small, consisting of a forest a small castle surround by a trench filled with water. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of army so he sends his giant coyote/ dinosaurs hybrids that he calls Gamrs for some reason to wreck havoc and find him the fabled Hammer. Odin and sons get into a fight with Gamrs and Thor almost dies. Odins enters the duel with Loki and destroys his skinny ass but Loki succeeds in tricking him into stabbing his own son (don’t worry, it’s Berendal not Thor) and then finishes him. Of course the old man still had enough reason in him to teleport the hammer and spoil the devious one’s plans.

Thor wakes up just in time to witness a complete tragedy of his family. Odin sends him to get the Hammer with his dying breath. After declaring revenge his father tells him (in the kindest way possible) that he is an idiot and that he should use his head for once in his life. Thor fails to do even that. He faces Loki and gets beaten into pulp. Of course because of inability of two actors and non- existence of choreographer fight is filmed in combination of time lapses and slow motion scenes.Not even that can mask the stupidity of their confrontation (and this whole movies is based  around scenes of their confrontations). Just when it looks like “our” hero is ready to join his family in Valhalla kinda old Latino chick saves him by hitting Loki with a big stick. Not being immune to such primitive weapon Loki is left stunned and a lovely couple runs away to safety. Loki sends his Dino-Coyotes after them but they are already gone…

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Loki, the god of awkward facial expressions!

Latino lady that seems completely out of place here presents herself as Jarnsaxa (hmmm… don’t remember that one from those Myths & Legends book I loved as a kid) and states that she is a servant of Odin. Where was she when he master was brutally killed seems irrelevant. Thor insists of getting after Loki again despite getting a beating of his life just minutes ago. Jarnasaxa then beats him  with a stick and he finally shuts up (it took him long enough). They use a magical portal to transport to a “Sacred Place” that suspiciously looks like the other end of the same forest. After two minutes  there Ja’x proclaims that his training is done (shall we see some bonus scenes of 80es training montage in a special edition DVD in the future?) Anyway, Loki finds them easily and they transport again… this time IN OUR WORLD!

Two or them are in L.A. and Thor is momentarily presented with an opportunity to beat up someone. Stereotypical black gang member is trying to steal some money from a lady and he almost kills him enthusiastic with the fact that there’s someone weaker than his in this world. Jarnsaxa presents Thor with her secret stash of weapons in Earth Realm and Thor goes head over heals over an Uzi gun. Seeing the destructive power of the said gun he proclaims he’s love for all humans! What a strange course of events.

Then they found a way to teleport themselves further, to the mystical Tree of Life, and this is the point where things get extremely confusing. Jax’ promises Thor to go with him every step of the way but then leaves him alone at the first corner. Tree ends up being guarded by a cyborg looking knight and is for some reason on a junkyard!!! Didn’t they leave the Eart realm like 5 minutes ago? Then being victorious (two in a row, personal record) he speaks with a tree of life, which answers in his fathers voice. He claims the Hammer and promises to save the world from destruction. Now here’s the biggest problem here, Loki needs the Hammer to end all worlds and he can’t reach it the way things are… Not knowing how to find the Tree of Life (if he can even guess that’s the place Odin placed the Hammer) all the realms are completely safe. It’s Thor who by removing the Hammer gives Loki opportunity to trick him (and that’s kinda what he does for a living), claim the Hammer and destroy the world. So if Ragnarok does come, it will be all on Thor, that imbecilic self- obsessed brat not able to thing straight JUST ONCE for a life of him!

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Hammer, the cause and the solution to all life problems!

Now Ja’x pleads him to continue his training, and face Loki when he gathers an army (not that bad of an idea) but he insists to face him now, ALONE. Loki easily blinds him some powder and  almost takes a Hammer but Jax’ appears out of nowhere (again) and cut offs his arm. Then they run away (again) and Thor (I kid you not) cries like a little baby. Also I’m fascinated by the fact that all of these fights happen in some back alleys and in front of the car repairs and things like that. I think if they tried to film in a populated area they would all be arrested for the lack of  permits. Anyway after being almost hypnotized by Loki’s magic he decides to fight him again! This dude is an imbecile… and a loser too. I mean you have to figure out you’re not very good at this at this point. Then surprisingly he supposedly kills Locky and takes his magic staff with him. After they enter the magically protected sanctuary Locki appears from his stick and Thor gasps in horror. Jarnsaxa saves  him for like a millionth time and they escape. Next with have two of them walking the empty streets… and Loki doing the same. When I think about it almost half of this movie consists of people  walking empty back streets.

You can always notice the extremely evil person because evil people walk a lot…If you live by the Uzi  you will die by the Uzi!

They fail to use the gateway and Loki and Thor face of in the most ridiculous scene here, I’m not gonna spoil it for you but it has an Uzi in it. Thor eventually escapes and in one of the most ridiculous scenes in this ridiculous movie treats the bullet wound with a magic potion.

If you live by the Uzi  you will die by the Uzi!

He eventually comes back for Ja’x but ends up tricked AGAIN and  captured, crucified on top of a building. Loki start tearing up the city using his dinosaurs and all 10 people who seem to live there run in panic. Thor scream like a little girl as he throws him in the realm of dead (or the poor green screen realm as we like to call it). Earth musters little bit of defense but Loki shoots down those helicopters constantly yelling “Ragnarok” like an anime  battle cry or something.

Ragnarok

Yeah, something like that!

Then he finally reaches The Tree of Life, defeats the cyborg knight (who’s still there for some reason) and the End of the World starts- only it looks surprisingly like a ton of archive footage speeded up and played in reverse. Thor forges a new better Hammer (made of metal!) and escapes the realm of Hel and then we have another duel at hand. This time, seeing that the movie is (thankfully) ending Thor is victorious and menages to destroy the old Hammer (remember the lesson here kids, metal is better than stone if you want to hurt someone). To complete the circle he than visits the “The Weavers of Fate” and destroys all their work to prove the point that our destiny is our own. What an inspiration!

Verdict: If this was a non- profit fan film it would be considered an extremely bad one. Considering the fact that you are actually expected to pay for this garbage I believe this should be labeled not as a film but  as a crime against humanity, ’cause it really is just that.

Moguchiy.Tor.2011.L2.HDTVRip-AVC.mkv_004096550 Cody Deal! What an actor!

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