Worsemovies

 

Age of the Hobbits is the closest I’ll ever get to Tolkien, since I refuse to read him and watch movie adaptations of his novels due to fact me being  constantly harassed and annoyed by “Lord of the Rings” freaks. I know this movie isn’t related to Tolkien’s “Hobbit” (as good people from Asylum claimed on  poster; they got sued by Warner Bros), but for me, it’ll serve its purpose. Especially since I am even less related to “Hobbit’ than Asylum folks.

Real?

Story of this movie takes the place in Flores Island, Indonesia 12000 years ago, but it is filmed in Cambodia 12000 years ago. We see several hobbits in  woods chitchatting and picking fruits. They call themselves Tree People. Hobbits are played by Cambodian midgets who had been later synchronized in  postproduction. Anyway, they were still chitchatting when they got attacked by Rockmen tribe. Rockmen are cave-man looking brain damaged savages with vampire  teeth (?), and some of them are riding the dragons (though it is not explained how did they managed to tame them). Despite the fact that they look like giant  iguanas (which is also tribe’s ground unit), dragons look pretty decent, especially when we keep in mind Asylum’s average low budget (still higher than  Albert Pyun’s though) and their general slacking when it comes to realness of movie characters. This is the case probably due to fact that Asylum folks had  exploited poor Cambodian midgets (with blessing of King of Cambodia), paying them almost nothing, so they can have extra budget for special effects. Now back
to attack. They kill some midgets and capture some other midgets using nets and dragons. But young Goben (played by Sum Korng) had managed to escape and warn  the village. Still, there isn’t enough time for village evacuation, so Rockmen killed and captured even more midgets, including Goben’s mother Suta (played  by Tom Eurt). But she left a trail by dropping magic medicine stones so Goben and his father Tak Tek (played by Srogn) could find her. Interesting fact is  that midgets are still casual chitchatting in air while they are being held by dragon’s claws.

I saw a dragon today!

In desperation Tak Tek, Goben and his sister Omi (played by Khom Lyly) decided to seek out the help of nearby giants tribe. Somewhere along the way they  stumble upon giant hunters who were fighting against some sort of giant rhino. Of course, giants are plain humans. Master hunter Amthar (played by Christopher  Judge; best known for his role in Stargate ) got seriously wounded and it seemed that he will drop the spoon, but Tak Tek saved his life by using a magic medical stone. So, in order to repay his  debt, Amthar agrees to help them to reach the mountain where Rockmen tribe resides. In order to do so, they need to ask for permission to pass from human  tribe chief. But Chief Korm (played by Antonis Greco), who is retarded version of Genghis Khan, wouldn’t let them pass. He doesn’t want to brake the peace  with Rockmen tribe. Still, after short negotiations he agrees to let them pass in exchange for midget’s device for throwing spear (it looks like an ordinary  stick with hole to me). But Korm,in his fear of Rockmen tribe, breaks his promise and binds Tak Tek, Goben and Omi, leaving them for Rockmen to find them in
the morning. Honorable as he is, Amthar sets midgets free the following night, thus betraying his tribe. Besides Amthar, who is still in debt to Tak Tek,  anorexic young woman warrior Laylan (played by Bai Ling) also joins their cause.

Long lost son of Genghis Khan.

Thanks to Amthar’s “wise” leadership, they got trapped and attacked by giant spider. Spider sprayed gallons and gallons of acid into Laylan’s face, but it  doesn’t seem that it has any effect stronger than blinding her for a couple of seconds. After some pretty lame fight Amthar manages to kill the giant spider  by impaling it onto his spear with one of more ridiculous combat moves in this movie. But, it’s not the end. No, because that even more gigantic spider  emerges from very tiny hole in ground. But it doesn’t want to fight. It just took less gigantic dead spider and pulled it under the ground. Seeing all this  Tak Tek just says “Amthar, let me lead”, in pathetic attempt of comic relief.

 

We find out that Rockmen will sacrifice midgets to their queen in midnight. Witch Queen (played by Rachana) sounds like demented version of Rita from Power  Rangers. Always hysterically yelling and bossing around. But her orders are always carried (for some reason), and preparations for midnight sacrifice are  already in progress. Our heroes are running out of time and there are too many obstacles. Obstacles like two giant lizards for example. But Amthar and his  mighty spear solved this problem too. Almost same scene of impaling as it was with spider. But this time, Amthar got bitten. Omi cures him, by removing a huge fang from his arm.

She really needs a king!

Meanwhile, while searching for plants needed for making tea that will help Amthar to recover faster, Laylan got ambushed by several Rockmen warriors. But she  showed us that see possess proficiency with wooden spears too, killing one by one, in more and more ridiculous ways. No matter what people from Asylum would  claim, driving a spear 10 inches away of your head can’t kill you.  Can’t even scratch you.  Look below for more info.

Proper spear handling.

Evening is falling and midnight is getting closer. Brave group had entered the Rockmen Tribe hideout. Tak Tek gets captured and prepared for sacrificing. He  lies in the middle of cave, surrounded by Rockmen warriors. Only seconds splits him away of death. Witch Queen is getting closer preparing to strike final  blow. But, in the last moment Amthat hits her with spear from a distance right in her eye. Tak Tek escapes outside where he rejoins the rest of the group.  All Rockmen warriors are there too, with giant lizards and dragons. Amthar and the company are overwhelmed. But in that moment, retarded Korm arrives with  warriors. He decided to do honorable thing. Eventually. It turned out that it was not smart move for him since he is slaughtered couple of moments later.  Bloody battle emerges between Rockmen and human tribes. We see more Laylan’s spear handling. At the end, only our brave group was standing atop of bunch of  corpses. Goben’s family is saved and Amthar becomes new Genghis Khan. Everyone is happy and ending credits pops up.

She used to be insane but then she took a spear into the eye.

Conclusion: I really can’t criticize acting skills of midgets since their voices are sybchronised and I can’t hear their acting. Speaking of which,  synchronization in this movie is as equally bad as New Zealand’s synchronization of Hong Kong kung-fu movies from ’70s. Bai Ling (who is supposed to be the  star of this movie) is gloriously over-the-top in her performance. Christopher  Judge is the only one who took his role seriously and who was putting an effort into  acting (I guess no one told him that this is not a real movie). Ending credits theme is for some reason singed in Serbian language. And I honestly hope that  Asylum paid some money to midgets, thus helping a bit their economy. If not, they should be hanged for shameful exploitation. And for film-making too.

Legal Note: No dragons were harmed in the production of this screenplay.

The king is not pleased!