Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998)

Posted: 09/09/2014 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,

For a months this movie was waiting to be reviewed mostly because it is so awful that none of us wanted to write about it. And partly because of insufficient mental strength (‘cough’ wussiness) of the rest of Worsemovies crew. Then recently I have decided that world has to be warned and reminded about this poor excuse for cinematography attempt so it would never happen again! Ladies and gentlemen (Who am I kidding? Just gentlemen) I have this nauseous duty to present you the worst “Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.” screen version ever!

In a movie put together by blind people, the one-eyed man will be like a God. Or so you would think. Such expectation falls in water when you see that one-eyed man is none other than David Hasselhoff. Now, apart of being white and having a brown hair, David doesn’t look like Nick Fury at all. Nor acts like him. He doesn’t look grizzled, he doesn’t look tough, he certainly doesn’t look smart, he sometimes wears an eyepatch on the wrong eye and I really doubt that real Nick Fury would spend most of his on-duty time being half-drunk (tho, credits for this probably go to David Hasselhoff himself and his cheerful personality). He is over the top all the way and so much that you have no other choice than to sit back, watch and laugh your ass out. Or to turn off the TV if you are not cliches fan.

Yeah that's the guyYeah, that’s the guy

The cliches keep coming when the evil Nazi terrorist organization Hydra attacks a S.H.I.E.L.D. base, under the leadership of Andrea Von Strucker aka Lady Viper (played by Sandra Hess) and her dimwitted younger brother Werner (played by Scott Heindl),
and makes off with the body of their father Baron von Strucker (played by Campbell Lane), the man responsible for Nick losing his left eye. Oh and they had killed Nick’s good friend Clay Quantermain (played by Adrian Hughes) in process. That’s a solid
reason for Nick to came back from retirement, don’t you think? The plan is that he, his ex-girlfriend Contessa Valentina (played by Lisa Rinna), agent Pierce (played by Neil Roberts) and mind-reading agent Kate Naville (played by Tracy Waterhouse) go to meeting with Interpol agent Gayle Runsador (who I had pinpointed to be a traitor the moment I saw him) in a secret safe-house in Berlin? Surprised? The director of agency General Pincer played by Tom McBeath) wants to have Kate read the mind of former Nazi scientist Dr. Zola (played by Peter Hayworth) and see just what he and his cohorts are up to. As it later turns out, this whole scheme to get Zola to open up his mind and talk, was a plot hatched by Hydra in order to locate and rescue him from S.H.I.E.L.D. And yeah, I was right. Agent Runsador is none other than the evil and murderous Viper. Surprised now? He even had managed to infect Nick with South American Yellow Dart Frog venom that will end his miserable life in 48 hours. So now it’s a race against time while Nick and his happy bunch try to find out just where Hydra is planing to unleash this deadly virus called “Death Head” (really creative name). To make things worse agency’s top scientist Gabriel Jones (played by Ron Canada) comes up with a possible antidote that can save Nick’s life. Why worse you might wonder? Well this antidote has to be developed and drawn from the blood of the person who put Nick into this condition in the first place, the only person on the Earth immune from it – Viper. Wow what a twist! No one ever would see that coming! Anyway, that’s the point from which Nick starts showing his true face. You see, Nick knows that he doesn’t have long to live so why should he care about anyone else, like those working with him? It is much easier not to think about consequences of his actions. If he succeeds  then great. If not, well, at least he will pull many other lives down with him. So drunk-looking Nick starts screwing up everything that he touches and almost getting his fellow S.H.I.E.L.D agents killed due to his mindless self-serving and suicidal behavior. Despite his inept and clumsy actions Nick manages to prevent Hydra from destroying downtown Manhattan with a battery or “Death Head” virus loaded rockets. And he does that by getting the code to abort their mission with the help of mind reading agent Neville (Kate seems to be the only capable agent here) from none other than the evil Viper, who was previously captured, and also getting a sample of her blood to save his life (which turns to be much more important than saving entire civilization). The ending has Viper again escaping from Nick (meh who cares, as long as he is alive) together with her frozen stiff and dead father, now alive and well, with her threatening both the world and audience that we haven’t seen last of them. We might consider ourselves lucky that David Hasselhoff for sure will not be in shape to star in the next movie if ever comes to it.

 

Conclusion: In the 1990’s Marvel Comics was in something of a financial strain, and to help themselves out, they would lease the movie and television rights to their characters to whoever had cash on hand right at that moment. This resulted in some tough times for the film adventures of the Marvel characters; Captain America and Punisher got direct to video adventures, the Fantastic Four film never saw the light of day (until couple of months ago), and Nick Fury and Generation X (X-Men spin off) were optioned for series by FOX. But this just can’t be an excuse for this half-ass job. I would bet that people in charge of this haven’t read about S.H.I.E.L.D. at all. True, script writer David Goyer (Blade trilogy, Dark Knight trilogy, Man of Steel) did read this and he even wrote some comics but he keeps spirit of S.H.I.E.L.D. based on ’60s. The CGI looks pretty terrible, even for 1998, and the physical sets aren’t much better. The action scenes are actually pretty standard for a b-movie: not completely terrible, but not very good either. The film’s version of Hydra is a contradiction of itself, seemingly important events are totally forgotten about, and there are great gaps in logic. For example, S.H.I.E.L.D. can keep their HQ hovering in the sky, yet they keep Von Strucker’s body in a relatively undefended base on the ground. There are many other gaps like this one but I have had my share of writing down them. If you want to see them by yourself then you will have to watch this movie which I strongly don’t recommend!

The actor worthy of Nick Fury’s personality

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