Archive for November, 2015

We are all well aware of the existence of plenty Karate Kid rip-offs. Some are awful and some are just plain bad. As for Showdown you choose to which group this movie belongs, especially when you keep in mind that Billy Blanks headlines in this hilariously cheesy Karate Kid rip off, together with Brion James and ’80s synthesizer music.

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Ken Marks (played by Kenn Scott) is the new student at his new school in Phoenix. There he meets the girl of his dreams named Julie (played by Christine Taylor). Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend, Tom (played by Ken McLeod), who is not only possessive of her but is also a brutal karate expert. Sounds familiar? Not yet? How about now? Tom beats up Ken for talking to his bitch. Ken decides to drop his career of school boxing bag and, logically, takes self-defense course at school janitor Billy (played by Billy Blanks). Now here is the twist: Tom is learning karate at Lee (played by Patrick Kilpatrick), a sensei whose brother was killed by a rookie cop named Billy. Since then, as a punishment for himself, Billy has taken the most degrading job known to human – a school janitor. Ha! Now we get personal motive for rumble rather than fighting over some high school bimbo. Both Billy and Lee have their owns ways treating their students. While Blanks exploits Ken to do his own job (like scrubbing a toilet and taking out the trash) instead of himself, Lee is a complete maniac who yells at Tom and beats him up for the tiniest mistakes.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3gakvw

But Billy didn’t quite quit his police career (once a cop-always a cop). Using his old partner who’s still on the force, the two work together to bring down a full-contact fighting circuit organized by Lee that pits teenagers against each other for money. In the meantime, Billy doesn’t know that Ken has accepted a challenge to face Tom in this same arena. Bah today’s teenagers don’t have any respect or trust.

treningInsert some inspiring words here

Since the biggest part of the movie displays training consisted of scrubbing, blocking and spinning back kick, occasionally interrupted with Billy’s fighting scenes, we’ll skip to the end. Big fight in a pit takes place where Ken with a lot of luck manages to beat Tom. Revolted by defeat of his student Lee bust into the ring and starts beating the crap out of both Ken and Tom. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Billy appears and sensei vs sensei mega-fight can begin. The fight is rather hilarious with a racist touch when Lee starts whipping Billy’s back with his belt. At that moment even an opposite team started rooting for their janitor. With such wind to his back, Billy easily makes the sudden twist, wins the fight and arrest Lee. Delighted with such development of the situation students offer to Billy to become their new sensei. He gladly accepts it, gets crowned in the utility room and Ken finally gets someone to polish his spear.

usro seIt’s coming out!

Conclusion: Apart of this movie being an obvious ripoff of Karate Kid, it also looks to me like Karate Kid meets the Airbud (both got janitor as a guru). For a high-school martial arts flick this movie doesn’t have a lot of fighting. Instead there are several training montages, with third training montage that was just too much. Billy Blanks steals the movie together with always insane Patrick Kilpatrick. Christine Taylor’s character, despite her weak efforts, just remains to look like typical lightheaded high-school Bimbo.”Showdown” plays out more than just a repeat of “The Karate Kid.” Gibbs’s script combines elements from several completely separate genres and places them in one movie, the two most noticeable being the cop movie and the bullied-teen movie. It also aims to poke fun at the high school movie genre, but doesn’t quite succeed at this either. There are plenty of lame sight gags, the usual bullies, cliches, and even Brion James drops in as the stereotypical hard-nosed principal.

Billy Blanks is more famous as a successful Martial Artist, Thai Bo founder and Fitness Guru but he is also most importantly (for us) the BAD MOVIE MAKING MACHINE! His inability to act (probably tied to his inability to read- he actually learned to read at 40 and depended on his then wife for most of his life) coupled with his over the top facial expressions  and badly used athleticism, most often spent on ridiculous kickboxing production that could only get green lighted in the ’90.

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Here Blanks is a humble Karate teacher working with at risks kids in the ghetto. Unfortunately his dojo gets targeted by Yakuza- like organization and their champion Takamura and he barely menages to fend them off. That’s also not the last of his worries because one of his oldest student is starting to spend time in dangerous neighborhoods all in hope of scoring with some random stupid girl. He tries to set him straight but unfortunately the kid is just too much of a dork to ever listen to him. He goes out searching for the slutty girlfriend but Takamura and his men find him first and decide to use “drive by shooting” style rather than Traditional martial art moves.

Blanks arrives just in time to see it happening. And reacts as always- hilariously!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3ensb3

Blanks I’m not sure anyone hears you. YOU should be the one calling ambulance.

Completely out of his mind he gets beaten to a pulp but mysterious Martial Artist Matsumoto aka Mako finds him. As a former teacher for the dreaded clan he offers to train him to defeat James Lew (Takamura) and gets revenge for his student. Like any true Martial Art master in the 90’s Mako teaches him with a string of bizarre or downright stupid tasks like running with a mouth full of water or practicing his blocks while buried in sand.

The director managed to rip off both Rocky III and IV in one training montage!

Finally Blanks is all ready for some revenging. Unfortunately his incompetence again shines thru as Takamura’s men menage to steal Matsumoto’s granddaughter right before his eyes. Having no other choice he goes as planed and enters the corrupt fighting ring. And man does he look ridiculous doing so. He is so muscled up and oiled up that he looks like he will explode any minute now. Also his exaggerated “horse stance” doesn’t do him any favors either. And as much as I LOVE James Lew as a villain (he is only second to Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa in the film villainy) having a bad guy that’s much smaller then a hero is rarely a good strategy.

Now,after killing both Takamura and his boss  Hastishita and he finally returns to his ghetto dojo to find- his student alive and well after all. So- the kid actually survived and the whole ordeal was about nothing. Great work Billy, for real! He introduces Matsumoto to his students and I think we can expect him exploiting the kids for some other death tournament in no time.

Verdict: Now lets rewind- he didn’t even check if his freaking student had any pulse, he just ran to get some revenge and left him there to die,  and you know what- he managed to fail at that too. If the kid had really died blood would have been on his hands, not just Takamura’s- and all because he is a goddamn idiot!

We are all aware of huge gap between upper and lower class in all spheres of human society. And anyone, who has at least a peanut sized brain, understands that things will never change no matter what we do. Still, there are numerous movies trying to display this obvious injustice, and most of them are pretty good. But when Brian Yuzna tries to do the same it ends up as shocking, disturbing surreal movie rich with slimy incest and disgusting transformation of snobs and their inbreeds.

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The plot revolves around Billy Warlock (played by Bill Whitney) not understanding his rich, uptight family. They mix with other upper class members, while Billy is more down to earth (but still, his girlfriend is also a member of upper class). He doesn’t seem to fit in with their lifestyle or with anything they do. So he feels like a misfit; nothing unusual for a depressive American teenager. Especially in Billy’s case since he was adopted. And when an acquaintance, his sister’s ex-boyfriend David Blanchard (played by Tim Bartell), plays him a recording of the sister’s debutante party (in which welcoming to society followed by Jenny’s (played by Patrice Jennings) fornicating with mom and dad can be heard), Billy begins to suspect something strange is happening around him. Of course, he can’t prove anything. Oh why no one does believe deranged teenager about conspiracy? Anyway, Billy decides to go to family friend psychiatrist Dr Cleveland (played by Ben Slack) and asks for help. He hands him over incriminating tape, which mysteriously changed it’s content the very next day. Billy was about to drop everything. It never happened, because after David dies in a car accident he decides to investigate his family and find a scary truth. Also giving Bill something to think about in the “my family is a highly organized collection of freaks” department was when he spotted her back boobies through a blurry shower door.

 

Bill attends a party hosted by his classmate Ferguson (played by Ben Meyerson), who confirms him that the first audio tape was the real one. And what Bill did with that info? Nothing! He picks up Clarissa (played by Devin DeVasquez), one of the sluts on the party,  and went her home to heat her oven. There he notice something is wrong with her body as well. Ah poor guy. It is hard today to find a girl with every of her limbs and body parts placed correctly.

 

The next day, after returning home and finding his parents and sister all dressed in lingerie (family coat of arms), Bill goes to Blanchard’s funeral. There he and his friend Milo (played by Evan Richards)  discover that Blanchard’s corpse is not quite real. But he is not alone in conspiracy. His friend Martin (played by Brian Bremer) approaches and says he must speak with him. They both agree to a secret meeting. On the meeting place Bill discovers Petrie with his throat slit from ear to ear. Oh well, it seems that this bird won’t sing. Or it will? Because the next day at school, Petrie shows up, alive and well. When Bill arrives at home, he confronts his family again (now dressed up regularly), but with Dr. Cleveland’s help, they drug Bill. Bill awakens in a hospital bed and thinks he hears Blanchard crying out. Or it is just his conscience? Nah he doesn’t have any problems with that. He leaves the hospital and finds his Jeep waiting for him. Milo tries to warn him, but he drives back to his house. Damn that was bad decision.

buttheadA hypocrite

And now the great finale! Back home again, Bill finds a large, formal party. There he finds out that his family and their high-society friends are a completely different species than him (well duh). Blanchard is there as well. So the party can get finally started. The wealthy party guests strip to their underwear and begin literally feed on the poor (just like in real life), physically deforming and melding with each other as they suck the nutrients out of Blanchard’s body. Their intention is to do to the same to Bill. Ferguson has obviously taken Bill’s insult (he called him a butthead earlier in the movie) to the heart since he turned himself upside down! Yup, Ferguson actually pulls his head out through his buttocks and says  “Well son, I guess you’re right, I am a butthead. Ha ha ha ha ha”. Billy decides that he had enough of this and, with Milo and Clarissa’s help—who is also of this alternate species, but has fallen in love with Bill, SOMEHOW manages to escape (no one actually have tried to stop him). Since this scene is too much disturbing for me to describe, here you can watch the entire party:

Conclusion: This movie would have been even watchable if there wasn’t last scene (which lasts about 20 minutes). Also, acting is bad and plot is a cliche, even for a 1989. I mean, there are plenty of movies judging class struggle. Of course, no one else would accept doing such sick special effects than Screaming Mad George. He even seems to be proud of his work on butthead. As for Brian Yuzna, this was his debut, and it was pretty decent despite everything (for a debut of course). And as we all know his career went rapidly downhill from there. In short, in spite of opinions of shallow majority, I dare to say that king is naked and declare this film to be a complete garbage, from this day on to eternity. Therefore, my final verdict is:

 

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x75vncc

Just when you thought he’s done with Cyborgs constant fixation on our blog Albert Pyun is back with new SF epic called STAR WARFARE RANGERS and the CYBORG WITCH of ENDOR.

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Both movie and graphic novel are to be released in May of 2016 and the plot is as it follows:

The 7th Empress (ELLIE CHURCH) of the Imperial Empire is faced with a rebellion by the edge of the universe races who believe in mysticism and dark forces. The rebels are led by a powerful Aym Mystic named Kindo-Ker (GLENN MAYNARD) who believes he was awakened (reincarnated) to destroy the Imperial Empire and bring life to the darker sides of mysticism. The Empress assembles an elite team of soldiers, the Star Warfare Rangers, on the planet of Endor. The special ops team is led by Captain “Starkiller” Merin (BRAD THORNTON) and the team includes Lt. Li-Lin Lucas (MAYLING NG), CWO Kelli Kurtz (KATI SALOWSKY), CWO Lani McCallum (JAX SCOTT), Corporal Robin Watts (ASHLEY CAMPBELL) and two Sniper Specialist, Sgt. Lobo Katz (PAUL GUNN) and Corporal Willard McQuarrie (TRAVIS KRAUSS). The Rangers are to find and rescue a teen age Cyborg (CAT CAKMIS), who the Empress believes can stop the rebellion. Kindo-Ker is assisted by an creature assassin named Maanu-agu (FULVIA SANTONI) and a warrior mutated by the dark forces of Hell, Anak-Mindo (NATHAN FERRIER). The film opens a 100 years after the events in the film and we are led into the story by the 8th Empress of the imperial Empire (TOMMIE VEGAS).
Obviously inspired by the likes of Power Rangers and Star Wars  WARFARE RANGERS is promising to be a bit of a return to form for Pyun who mostly dabbled in the micro- budgeted artsie flicks last couple of years. It also features Brad Thornton (Kikcboxer 4, The Sensei), Ellie Church, Nathan Ferrier  and the interesting new talent Tommie Vegas who already collaborated with Pyun on The Interrogation of Cheryl Cooper short film last year. And all of that for a hardcore 200000$ budget!

You can also see the first trailer right here:

via https://www.facebook.com/Star-Warfare-Rangers-and-the-Cyborg-Witch-of-Endor-134893146869501/?fref=ts