Posts Tagged ‘Small American tits’

 

The Prowler seems like one of those films that got lost and forgotten in the myriad of slashers released in the 80s. And not without a good reason. It makes very little sense, with plot holes as big as the one in the head of it’s director Joseph Zito (known for such blockbusters like Missing in Action, Invasion U.S.A., Red Scorpion, and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter). The only thing The Prowler benefits from is the work of gore makeup guru Tom Savini, who provided the sliced arteries, gaping wounds, and sanguine floods that mark the film’s half-dozen death pieces. Hey, enough for me!

The_Prowler

Oh God, even a tag line is lame!

The movie starts with Dear John letter written by a woman named Rosemary Chatham in which she informs her boyfriend who is fighting in WW2 that she is breaking up with him because she can’t wait for him any longer. Check this out, while her brave boyfriend is fighting overseas dirty Rosy was oiling some civilian’s mast. What an ungrateful slut! Serves her rig…oh wait, we don’t know that yet. Anyway, to celebrate her newfound freedom Rosemary (played by Joy Glaccum) is attending a graduation dance in the town of Avalon Bay with her new boyfriend Roy (played by Timothy Wahrer), on June 28, 1945. At one moment they decided to go out in order to make out. While there, electrical power goes off and they are attacked by a mysterious prowler in an army combat uniform (now who might that be), who impales them both with a pitchfork, leaving behind a rose. In a modern world no electrical power means death.

Reunited in cheat

Thirty-five years later, on June 28, 1980, Pam MacDonald (played by Vicky Dawson) is organizing the first graduation ball in 35 years with her friends Lisa (played by Cindy Weintraub), Sherry (played by Lisa Dunsheath) and Sherry’s love interest Carl (played by David Sederholm). That afternoon, while visiting her love interest Mark London (played by Christopher Goutman), who is the town’s deputy, she overhears a report of a prowler, who may be on the way to Avalon Bay. The Sheriff (played by Farley Granger), off to a cabin retreat leaves Mark in charge of keeping order in the town and at the dance while he is away. Seems to me that the Sheriff flees tow because he chickened out. Let the deputy take care of dangerous murderer. That night, while Sherry was preparing for the party, Carl “accidentally” stumbled upon her while she was under the shower. She didn’t take too long to get the hint so she invites him over to join her. Carl went to undress in haste but his sexual appetite was satiated when the prowler shoved a bayonet through his brain. Tough luck, lady boy. His place under Sherry’s shower will be taken  by the killer. And he did impale Sherry but with a pitchfork instead of good old traditional way. At least he left behind a rose. Bayonets for boys, pitchforks for girls… That’s how the world works these days.

 

Without knowing that her roommate was killed Pam goes back to the dorm in order to change her clothes. But the prowler is there too. Pam started to run away and stumbles upon Mark. Instead of trying to help her Mark decides it would be safer if they run away together. Hm so much about the long arm of the law. Anyway, Pam finds the old photos of Rosemary in Major Chatham’s (played by Lawrence Tierney) house. It turns out Rosy was his daughter whose killer had never been found. She suspects it is the same killer. Well duh! In a light of new facts,  Mark heads with Pam to the dance to warn the chaperone Miss Allison (played by Donna Davis) about the possible danger. She interrupts the party by silencing the band which was signing about murder. Oh why always in slasher movies there is a band which sings about murders? Meanwhile Lisa, fed up with her boyfriend Paul (played by Bryan Englund) for getting drunk and sick, goes out to a nearby pool to cool off. Paul is arrested by Mark for public intoxication, meanwhile Lisa encounters the killer while swimming, who mercilessly slices her throat open. That’ll teach her to stop nagging about alcohol. Allison went out looking for Lisa and that’s where she met her maker since the killer stabbed her through the throat.

Night swimming and alcohol are winning combination

The local shopkeeper, Kingsley (played by John Seitz), complains to Mark he witnessed a disturbance in the cemetery, Mark and Pam go to investigate and discover an opened grave with Lisa’s body in it. They go to investigate Major Chatham’s house once more. And that’s where the prowler is waiting for them.  Mark is attacked and left for dead as the prowler then chases Pam through the house. Some strange guy named Otto (played by Bill Hugh Collins) appears and shoots the attacker. It seems that everything is OK now. Touchy scene between Otto and Pam looking at each other and smiling while romantic musing plays in the background was interrupted by the killer who recovers and shoots Otto dead before attacking Pam. HAHAHA what a fuck off! This scene made this movie almost worth of watching! Anyway, during the scuffle, Pam discovers the Prowler is none other than Sheriff Fraser himself (What a surprise, I never seen that coming, honestly)  and turns his gun against him, blowing his head clean off. Now he should stay dead. The next day, Mark returns with Pam to her dorm and she goes up alone. Discovering Sherry and Carl’s bodies in the shower, she screams as Carl seems to come to life and grab at her, only realizing that he is dead, and that him grabbing at her was a hallucination. I guess the message is that you can’t run away from the past.

 

Conclusion: As I stated at beginning of this review, this movie makes very little sense. I can understand killer’s motive for murdering his slutty girlfriend and her newfound boyfriend. But why he was killing other people 35 years later? Too many painful memories? Why did he continue his work after so much time? Why does he use pitchfork? He surely had some weapons left from the war. How comes that no one suspected him? And how he had gotten away with his first murders when it was so obvious who the culprit is? He might had deserted after receiving the letter but then he wouldn’t be able to rise to the rank of Sheriff. Very little has been explained here and these questions will probably remain without answer. The Prowler may not be one of the best films out there by any stretch, but if you want to see truly over the top, gory, overdone death scenes made by everyone’s favorite makeup madman, Uncle Tom, then give this one a watch. But only once!

Ah one of the movies dedicated to the techboom era (apart of Weird Science) who glamour computers as a almighty machines capable of changing even a space-time continuum. Also, this one is from back in days when Charles Band still made great *cough* movies. Ok to be honest, Charles Band here had a help of pretty much everybody he is worked with that has some directing skills. But more about that later.

And many more to comeAnd many more to come

On the very start we see nerdy Paul Bradford (played by bulky Jeffrey Byron), a self-proclaimed Xerox machine A-class troubleshooter who is able to diagnose a malfunction with just plain looking at machine through his futuristic glasses (which looks the same as just any other nerdy thick glasses). Paul, like any other nerd, watches over his physique so he starts jogging after his work hours. Somewhere along the way he meets a flower girl and decides to buy a bouquet. The fact that his wallet is completely empty (not even a personal documents in it) doesn’t concern him because he has glasses! A couple of seconds looking into ATM machine is enough for hacking it and taking amount of money enough to buy a flowers. And for whom is that flowers? For his girlfriend Gwen (played by Leslie Wing) of course, because every nerd has a girlfriend fitness instructor. When Gwen comes home he asks her to marry him. Normally, that is not a reason for a girl to go mad like Gwen did but these are not an ordinary circumstances. The reason why she got pissed off is that that marriage proposal suggestion came from Paul’s experimental computer named Cal. Paul listens to and talks to his computer much more often than he should have. Anyway, Gwen and
Paul go to bed earlier that night and that’s mistake they shouldn’t have made. Because while they were asleep they got teleported to another dimension through Paul’s glasses! Just like that! A moments later Gwen gets captured and Paul finds himself running through the wilderness wearing a medieval clothes, Then a mysterious wizard appears in front of him and reveals that he is responsible for teleportation. Why? Because he believes that Paul is worthy opponent for him. Wizard introduces himself as Prince of Darkness Mestema (played by Richard Moll), who is impressed by “magic” of machines and holds Paul as a master of technology. He also places 7 challenges which Paul must pass in order to release Gwen from captivity. For that Mestema had granted Paul all time access to his computer, by placing chips onto Paul’s arm. So basically, it is a never-ending fight between magic and technology.

MagicMagic

Before he could get what’s going on Paul got teleported (see the picture above) to his first task. He wakes up in wilderness and finds that funny looking dwarves have stolen his strap-on arm computer. He follows them to some cave entrance when he finds his machine left by dwarves. Suspecting nothing he takes and turns his back to go away. But it was a trap! A huge stone giant who was sitting above cave entrance come to life by ridiculous, cheesy stop motion. Giant starts chasing Paul through the jungle. After couple of minutes Paul got bored of playing hide and seek with giant so he destroys him by plain shooting
laser beam to red crystal located above giant’s eyes. First challenge completed.

Much worse stop-motion than Harry Hausen was doing in 1950s

Paul is back to original another dimension. There he engaged into verbal fight with Mestema eventually accepting his game (though it is not he has any other choice). Puff (by which I am referring to more of poor animation and effects) and he is teleported to his second task. Now he is in cave where he meets the caretaker of the dead. Dead people here look more like retarded horned orcs (a reason more why you should try to stay alive as long as possible). Anyway, Paul easily finishes with this challenge with a help of more cheesy stop motion, animation and laser beams. Ok back to Mestema.

This is who awaits you when you dieThis is who awaits you when you die

Time for intermission after second round, Location: Mestema’s dimension. Also it is first time where we have displayed powers of both technology and magic in one scene. To cut the story short below you can enjoy this masterpiece of animation:

After a short discussion with Mestema about musical tastes Paul gets puffed to his third challenge. Now he finds himself at performance of death metal band named Wasp. They also got Gwen tied up on a stage and, like any other metal band, they want to sacrifice her during their performance. Ha what a showmen they are! Cannibal Corpse eat yourself! Of course, Paul doesn’t like the idea of his girlfriend being butchered in public so he disintegrates them using a high frequency sound (!?).

This is how  you  can fight vs death metal musicThis is how you can fight vs death metal music

The 4th challenge takes place in some sort of vex museum. Every criminal in the world is there. Genghis Khan, Jack the Ripper, werewolf, Einstein… It starts snowing in that room and, like you could guess, every figure comes to life. Logically, Gwen has been taken by Jack the Ripper (no surprise there – she is dressed like a slut). Paul had some problems fighting with Genghis Khan but he slipped away and destroyed entire gang by throwing a crystal Albert Einstein held in hand. Makes sense, since old Albert is clearly a criminal mastermind.

Not fair! They didn't have electro shocks back in Genghis Khan daysNot fair! They didn’t have electro shocks back in Genghis Khan days

After this Mestema’s belief in victory got shaken a bit. So he offers Paul a freedom and piles of gold in exchange for letting Gwen to stay in his dimension. Paul was dumb enough to reject this offer without thinking about it (I would take the gold and walk away). With such self-confidence boost (which came from his own stupidity) Paul had managed to beat the rest of the challenges consisted of escaping the police after being accused of series of murders of women, wrestling a demon and fighting with nomads tribes in Mad Max vehicles on a post apocalyptic warfare. He even managed to beat Mestema in 1vs1 fight by throwing him to volcano despite the fact that the Prince of Darkness is much larger than him and possesses dark powers. Paul and Gwen get teleported back to their own dimension just in time for their wedding so we get a happy end worth every judging.

And for all you nerds out there  these are a kind a chicks you are entitled onAnd for all you nerds out there  these are a kind of chicks you are entitled on

Conclusion: Yup, nothing can stand in a way of technological progress. Not even a demonic wizard with strange and mysterious powers. That would be a message this movie sends to it’s viewers. Plot is so imaginative that it took 7 directors and even more writers to build it. That’s probably the reason why it gets incoherent from time to time. On account of acting I can’t be too harsh since we were actually able to see occasional decent acting. Unlike the costumes though. Those probably were stolen from some kid’s Halloween house party and from other movie sets. If you love excessive doses of 1980s cheese then this is the movie for you because that’s what will you get while watching this. 70 minutes of cheap, cheesy fun, bad special effects and poor attempts of stop-motion. Just don’t expect any Dungeons & Dragons involving here.

We are all aware of huge gap between upper and lower class in all spheres of human society. And anyone, who has at least a peanut sized brain, understands that things will never change no matter what we do. Still, there are numerous movies trying to display this obvious injustice, and most of them are pretty good. But when Brian Yuzna tries to do the same it ends up as shocking, disturbing surreal movie rich with slimy incest and disgusting transformation of snobs and their inbreeds.

plavusa

The plot revolves around Billy Warlock (played by Bill Whitney) not understanding his rich, uptight family. They mix with other upper class members, while Billy is more down to earth (but still, his girlfriend is also a member of upper class). He doesn’t seem to fit in with their lifestyle or with anything they do. So he feels like a misfit; nothing unusual for a depressive American teenager. Especially in Billy’s case since he was adopted. And when an acquaintance, his sister’s ex-boyfriend David Blanchard (played by Tim Bartell), plays him a recording of the sister’s debutante party (in which welcoming to society followed by Jenny’s (played by Patrice Jennings) fornicating with mom and dad can be heard), Billy begins to suspect something strange is happening around him. Of course, he can’t prove anything. Oh why no one does believe deranged teenager about conspiracy? Anyway, Billy decides to go to family friend psychiatrist Dr Cleveland (played by Ben Slack) and asks for help. He hands him over incriminating tape, which mysteriously changed it’s content the very next day. Billy was about to drop everything. It never happened, because after David dies in a car accident he decides to investigate his family and find a scary truth. Also giving Bill something to think about in the “my family is a highly organized collection of freaks” department was when he spotted her back boobies through a blurry shower door.

 

Bill attends a party hosted by his classmate Ferguson (played by Ben Meyerson), who confirms him that the first audio tape was the real one. And what Bill did with that info? Nothing! He picks up Clarissa (played by Devin DeVasquez), one of the sluts on the party,  and went her home to heat her oven. There he notice something is wrong with her body as well. Ah poor guy. It is hard today to find a girl with every of her limbs and body parts placed correctly.

 

The next day, after returning home and finding his parents and sister all dressed in lingerie (family coat of arms), Bill goes to Blanchard’s funeral. There he and his friend Milo (played by Evan Richards)  discover that Blanchard’s corpse is not quite real. But he is not alone in conspiracy. His friend Martin (played by Brian Bremer) approaches and says he must speak with him. They both agree to a secret meeting. On the meeting place Bill discovers Petrie with his throat slit from ear to ear. Oh well, it seems that this bird won’t sing. Or it will? Because the next day at school, Petrie shows up, alive and well. When Bill arrives at home, he confronts his family again (now dressed up regularly), but with Dr. Cleveland’s help, they drug Bill. Bill awakens in a hospital bed and thinks he hears Blanchard crying out. Or it is just his conscience? Nah he doesn’t have any problems with that. He leaves the hospital and finds his Jeep waiting for him. Milo tries to warn him, but he drives back to his house. Damn that was bad decision.

buttheadA hypocrite

And now the great finale! Back home again, Bill finds a large, formal party. There he finds out that his family and their high-society friends are a completely different species than him (well duh). Blanchard is there as well. So the party can get finally started. The wealthy party guests strip to their underwear and begin literally feed on the poor (just like in real life), physically deforming and melding with each other as they suck the nutrients out of Blanchard’s body. Their intention is to do to the same to Bill. Ferguson has obviously taken Bill’s insult (he called him a butthead earlier in the movie) to the heart since he turned himself upside down! Yup, Ferguson actually pulls his head out through his buttocks and says  “Well son, I guess you’re right, I am a butthead. Ha ha ha ha ha”. Billy decides that he had enough of this and, with Milo and Clarissa’s help—who is also of this alternate species, but has fallen in love with Bill, SOMEHOW manages to escape (no one actually have tried to stop him). Since this scene is too much disturbing for me to describe, here you can watch the entire party:

Conclusion: This movie would have been even watchable if there wasn’t last scene (which lasts about 20 minutes). Also, acting is bad and plot is a cliche, even for a 1989. I mean, there are plenty of movies judging class struggle. Of course, no one else would accept doing such sick special effects than Screaming Mad George. He even seems to be proud of his work on butthead. As for Brian Yuzna, this was his debut, and it was pretty decent despite everything (for a debut of course). And as we all know his career went rapidly downhill from there. In short, in spite of opinions of shallow majority, I dare to say that king is naked and declare this film to be a complete garbage, from this day on to eternity.