Worsemovies

Now, when you say MARVEL movie you are probably thinking of  mega successful Iron Man trilogy or even more successful The Avengers but the truth of the mater is- Marvel movies were laughing stock of ar movie industry for years. Between barely animated cartoons, horrible TV shows (Spider-man and Hulk I’m looking at you) and occasional low- budget disaster it took couple of decades and New Line Cinema’s Blade (featuring minor comicbook character) to turn the tide. After that FOX decided to put some money into making of X-Men and Spidey franchises and the rest is history.

And now we get to what interests us, the most obscure thing from the Dark Age of Marvel Movie Universe- The Fantastic Four! No, not FOX’s Fantastic Four from 2005 (although that’s kinda bad too) but original Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four from 1992. You never heard of it? Strange- because trailer was attached to your copy of Carnousaur (and don’t tell me you don’t have VHS/ DVD of Carnosaur please). Anyway, the only reason for this film’s existence is the fact that the company that owned movie rights to FF, had to make a movie of forfeit that rights. They didn’t really feel like spending a bunch of money of a comicbook/ SF flick but they still wanted to keep rights (’cause you never know)- so they decided to play it smart and hire Roger Corman to produce incredibly lo-fi version of film (without ever telling him that they don’t really plan on releasing it, like EVER).

So this came down in history as the only Corman film never released but the producer made a deal with MARVEL, they agreed to pay for the movie (securing it never sees a light of day), ended up with a profit of few million and everybody walked away happy. Except for Corman, who’s still pissed about it. Of course bootleg copy eventually find it’s way online and you can finally uncover the mystery of Fantastic Four right here on WM.

Movie starts with young Reed Richards and his best pal Victor Von Doom (who wouldn’t want a friend with a name like that) breaking into some science facility (by all accounts located on their campus) and using the passing of a comet for some kind of god awful experiment. Of course as things go awry and Doom gets electrocuted and seemingly dies. This shutters Reed by somehow he recovers in no time. Then we find out that he’s living in a boarding house with a mother of two young children Sue Johnny Storm (interesting).

We flash forward to the future- the 90’s (yes the 90’s)! Reed and his new pal Ben Grimm (hope nothing bad happens to this one) are finishing up work on some experimental, crystal powered space- craft. They need skills astronauts to accompany them but Reed being genius that he is decides to take his old friends the Storms for a ride! Now imagine this- strange man that lived in your place in his collage years comes out of nowhere one morning and offers to take your children (now teenagers) to space! Just because. Mother being stupid enough to give housing to this dangerous man accepts to help him potentially kill her children and all is set to go.

“FANTASTIC FOUR”

Reed being a cool cat that he is, dedicates the mission to his “dead” friend Doom and off they go. Spacecraft malfunctions because the Jewler (knock- off of  more famous FF villain Mole Man) steals their fuel- the crystal and replaces it with a cheap knock- off ( how appropriate). Not only do they crash land (which is strange because the ship clearly exploded to pieces)- they menage to get seriously irradiated by “cosmic rays”. Somehow they survive and soon they discover they’ve been mysteriously granted an amazing powers.

Now I see you, now I can’t!

They don’t really get to explore their new found powers because they end up captured by Victor’s man. They eventually get the hang of their powers enough to escape them and regroup back at their base- the baxter building! Only Ben Grimm decides to leave horrified with the fact that he became a rock monster (probably the only decently done FX job in the whole movie). Next we see the Thing staggering the streets, seemingly trying to score a hooker (not sure that could end well).

Thing and his new lady friend

Doom confronts the Jewler because he needs the crystal to finally capture the power of the comet (he still can’t get that behind him after all these years). It turns out he gave the jewel to blind artist Alicia Masters (who he also lovingly kidnapped to be his bride). Now Alicia is of course not impressed with Jewler and his horde of underground dwelling hobos- she likes Ben Grimm even thou he destroyed some of her artwork (or maybe even because of it). Doom, angry, seizes the diamond for himself and threatens to kill Alicia, and then out of nowhere Grimm comes barging in trying to stop him! …and the (I kid you not) HE REVERTS BACK TO HIS HUMAN FORM! You know, the form he can tragically never reclaim! It his one movie Corman and co destroy the whole concept of this truly compelling character and made him into the Hulk Lite (and as Coca Cola Light showed us- nothing Lite is ever good).

Doom is a Gangsta!

Anyway, he menages to Thing- out again couple minutes later but it’s already too late. Doom captures him, the girl and takes them with the famed crystal back to his home country of Latveria in Eastern  Europe. He must have had some superior means of transportation because they are in his castle in about a minute- already draining the Thing of his cosmic power. This already looks a lot like the original incident that nearly killed him- but some people never learn. The rest of a Fantastic Four decide is the right time and after they get themselves a nifty costumes they come to save their peer.They kinda fail, at least at first and get captured (and drained ofc). Mr. Fantastic finally uses his elongating powers to escape and bring fight to Doom. What’s fascinating is how Doom with all that might and resorses (coupled with scientific brilliance) still uses and old fashion gun- a luger pistol as his primary weapon. Then doom launches the rocket that could supposedly bring the end of the world as we now it but in scenes ripped directly form old Fleischer’s Superman cartoons from the ’40 Johnny Storm now Human Torch stops it.

Directly lifted from Superman: The Mad Scientist (1941)

In the final Doom decides to commit suicide just to further torture the  Mr.Fantastic, who doesn’t seem all that bothered and soon marries his sweetheart Sue and presumably lives
happily ever after.

Verdict: People complain that super-hero movies of today (notably Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy and Snyder’s Man of Steel) are too dark and grim, too serious but God damn imagine if comicbook movies reverted back into this- now that would be a true horror!

Trivia 1: The legend of this movie became so big that it finally got it’s own documentary DOOMED: The Untold Story of Roger Corman’s “The Fantastic Four”. You can see the trailer bellow.

Trivia 2: Depending on who you ask, our country Serbia is a neighbor/part of Latveria, the land on evil genius and monarch Victor Von Doom.You can see the proof straight out of Secret Avengers comicbook
(by Warren Ellis and Alex Maleev) right here.

ALL HAIL DOOM!