Posts Tagged ‘Roger Corman’

Piranha II: The Spawning AKA Piranha II: Flying Killers (1982)

Posted: 24/01/2023 in Trash movies
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With the Avatar: The Way of Water in the news for hitting two billion dollars (and on the verge of unseating Avengers: Infinity War as the 5th highest grossing movie of all time) I think its about time we go all the way back to the beginning of James Cameron‘s illustrious directing career and no I’m not talking about the Terminator(1984).

You see Cameron originally began his career as a poster illustrator and the miniature model builder for non other than B-movie legend Roger Corman. He graduated to being an art director for Corman‘s probably most expensive movie at a time (still pretty modest by regular standards) Battle Beyond the Stars (1980) and more notably did special effects for John Carpenter’s Escape from New York (1981).

He continued working for Corman on movies like Galaxy of Terror but his first opportunity do direct opened up when the director for Piranha (another Corman production) sequel Piranha II: The Spawning (love the title) left the production after clashing with the producer Ovidio Assonitis. Cameron would then be upgraded from special effect director to regular director and the rest is history. Well, not quite yet- we’ll get back to you on that…

Cameron’s sketch via Icollector.com

So, the movie starts with we kid you not- an underwater sex scene. Young couple decided that it would be a good idea to do it close to a sunken US ship. As you can presume- it doesn’t end well. They get attacked by the mysterious creatures and soon there’s blood in the water.

Then we cut back to a black man called Gabbi and his son fishing using dynamite. Steve, the police officer catches them but let’s them go with a warning.

Diving instructor Anne‘s student is one of the victims, but her estranged husband Steve (Lance Henricksen) who’s a police officer refuses to let her see the body. So, naturally she decides to ignore him and break into a morgue? That’s not rational thinking, quite the opposite. Tyler Sherman, tourist who can’t stop hitting on her also tags along.

They actually manage to enter the morgue but the nurse catches them and throws them out. Unfortunately she not knowingly seals her own fate- turns out one of the piranhas was hiding inside the body!? I mean, who’s really prepared for that. It bursts from the corpse like a damn Alien and the nurse is toast.

I love how the piranha just escapes trough the window when it’s done!

Anne on the other side gets a bit more lucky. She finally accepts Tyler’s advances and has a one night stand with him. Unfortunately her estranged husband shows up, turns out she lost her credit card in the morgue/ scene of the crime.

She tries to warn him about her suspicions but he is too angry (with her having another man in her bed) to really listen.

Anne desperately tries to cancel all the diving lessons but that only gets her fired. Tyler finally confesses that he isn’t here just as tourist, he is actually a biochemist who was on the team that developed a genetically modified piranhas, capable of flying (although actual flying fish glide- not fly like the birds but that’s B-movie logic for you). He suspected the cylinder of the fish they lost is the reason for the killings and he is proven right.

Gabby’s son ends up being the victim of the piranhas too and he decides that the only way to stop them is with dynamite. Anne tries to dissuade him but there’s no changing his mind.

To make things worse the manager Raul insist annual fish fry must go on- with disastrous results.

Anne and Tyler decide that the only way to end this is of course- take all that Gabby’s dynamite (Gabby also unfortunately met his son’s fate) and blow up the ship wreckage and all the piranhas with it.

In the meantime Steve (in a police helicopter) keeps searching for their son with the who in a completely unrelated and unnecessary plot point ends up stranded with a young, hot daughter of a rich British boat owner Dumont. I mean he probably got a better deal than most of the folks in this movie.

Anne and Tyler manage to dive to the wreckage and plant the device but they end up attacked by piranhas and end u stuck in the boat with a timer on a bomb still running.Tyler doesn’t make it out and ends up eaten alive but Anne manages to reach the surface just in time. There she is helped by Steve who found the young couple so I guess- family reunited (if only Tyler didn’t have to die for that to happen)!

Verdict: this movie suffers (for better or worse) from the usual 80’s syndrome, so expect lots of crude sexual jokes, idiotic characters and nonsensical plot points that go absolutely nowhere. On the other hand they are moments where Cameron’s potential shines through, the scenes of underwater photography are masterfully done and it’s pretty incredible that we can still see some of those elements in his movies some 40 years later.

Virtually Identical!

Epilogue: After an apparent food poising in Rome and struck with a high fever, Cameron had a vivid nightmare about a chrome skeleton burning in a fire – the rest is history.

5 Kickboxers who thought they could be actors too!

Posted: 29/04/2019 in Trash movies
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I remember one reviewer noticing that in the 90’s Roger Corman would seemingly blindly hand out  a contract to any Pro- Kickboxer who came knocking at his door. Now, honestly Corman was far from being the only one guilty of this. 80’s and 90’s had a surging VHS market and Action/ Martial Arts film were way more mainstream then these days so lots of Pro- fighters did have their 15 minutes of fame (or a 5- movie deal) and here’s some interesting examples for you:

05.  Curtis Bush (42- 10- 02 KB)

We purposely decided to lead with  the most obscure name off the list and that’s Curtis Bush. Bush was a lanky southpaw fighter with a background in Tang Soo Do (also Chuck Norris‘s first art). He amassed the pro record of 42 wins, 10 loses and 2 draws and also competed in Pro Boxing in parallel.

Beside being a four division champion he also had a burning desire to be in the movies. But, it seems that tall, mustachioed dudes just weren’t the flavor of the day.
He had a small part of a deranged poacher (killed by the star Michael McNamara) in Canadian action movie Dragon Hunt (1990). He also played parts of Foot Soldiers in the first two TMNT movies: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1991) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze (1991). He then tried his hand on the small screen with a TV adaptation of Patrick Swayze’s Roadhouse– that was canceled after only four episodes!

This has to be one of greatest covers to ever grace a VHS tape

But what really makes him worthy of this list is his passion project: The Dark Angel: Psycho Kickboxer! Made for just 10 000 dollars over the course of 5 years Psycho Kickboxer is a real treat for B-movie lovers like us. I mean who can say no to a seemingly deranged man in a Ninja costume running all over town and preventing random acts of violence (with even more violence). It’s painfully low budget and nonsensical but man- it’s a it’s so fun to watch.

Look at him go!

Now, you could say that his acting career went nowhere but he did have background roles as military personnel in couple of big movies in recent times (Battleship, Godzilla) and IMDB does show him as an Admiral in Godzilla vs. Kong (2020), so it seems Psycho finally got the last laugh.

04. Kathy Long (18-1 KB, 2-0 MMA)

Kung Fu San Soo and Aikido practitioner and a pioneer of female Kickboxing in America with an 18-1 record holding WKA, WMAC, ISKA and KICK titles.
She was even a commentator in the first ever UFC event (1993) – even thou she smartly decided not to comment too much– leaving the other absolute Martial Arts legend Bill “Superfoot” Wallace to keep embarrassing himself (famously mispronouncing UFC as Ultimate Fighting Challenge).

Her most significant contribution to the world of film was actually being a stunt/ fight double for Michelle Pfeiffer‘s Catwoman in ‘92‘s Batman Returns by Tim Burton.

Also in ’92 she also appeared as a villain in Rage and Honor featuring Cynthia Rothrock and (our personal favorite) Richard Norton and continued with couple of leads in movies such as post- apocalyptic Knights (1993) and The Stranger (1995). In ’97 she again showed up with Richard Norton in a fun Australian action movie called Under The Gun aka Iron Fist.

She even dabbled back into the competition pool (having come full circle) by having two MMA fights in 2009 and again in 2015. Second one was particularly impressive, wining a fight at 50 years old against an opponent roughly half her age! Definitely an accomplishment.

Even thou her dramatic acting chops where never even remotely sharp as her fighting chops I’m definitely not changing the channel when I see her on a TV.

03. Gary Daniels (31-04 AKB,  04- 01 KB)

Gary Daniels started as a British Taekwondo practitioner who was famously too brutal for the sport so he eventually transitioned to Amateur and then Pro Kickboxing (even capturing PKA and WKBA titles).  His most famous lead role is in Hokuto No Ken aka Fist of the Northstar that despite it’s budget constraints turned out to be a surprisingly faithful manga adaptation. Unfortunately it wasn’t widely distributed in the US and is today relegated to a Cult Classic status.

He would go on to be the star in countless Kickboxing movies on VHS either as a Hero or as a Villain but beside a Hong Kong stint or two (see Jackie Chan’s City Hunter) his big break wouldn’t happen for years and years…. Not until Stallone chose him to be an Eric Roberts‘s henchman in the first The Expendables (2010). Even in a star- crowded movie like that he did get to shine especially in an excellent two against one fight scene with Jet Li and Jason Statham.

He went on to share the screen with Eric Roberts and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin again in Hunt To Kill and was perfectly cast as a video game character Bryan Fury in not so perfect Tekken (2010). All of that positioned him to the upper levels of action B-movie market in the ’10s and he even returned to his native England for a pair of movies ike Skin Traffik (2015)– again with Roberts (Rourke and Hannah too) and I Am Vengeance (2018) where he went against the WWE superstar Stu Bennet aka Wade Barrett.

But still, being a legit badass (he traveled all the way to Thailand to have a pro Muay Thai match when he was almost 50) with a cool British accent you’d think the sky is the limit, and because of that I feel that he never really fulfilled his true potential.

02. Jerry Trimble (29-2-2 KB)

Trimble started his film career in the 80’s armed with an annoying high- pitched voice, long blond hair and all the sidekicks, hook kicks and spin-kicks you can possibly imagine.

Now, differently then some of the other folks in this list over the years he eventually developed actual acting chops (but he can still pull out those spin kicks from his arsenal if need be) confirmed- by the fact that he is still successfully working today in both film and TV.

Recommended viewing: any of his collaborations with the Filipino Action Maestro Cirio H. Santiago like One Man Army (1994) or Stranglehold (1994). And if you’re really into our kind of craziness he can be seen in Corman produced StarQuest II.

It’s also worth noting that he is adversary in early Jet Li film The Master (1992) where he is at his mighty mulleted ass- kicking best, then his career altering appearance in famed thriller Heat (1995) and of course going toe for toe with Austin 3:16 himself in “Stone Cold” Steve Austin VS Dolph Lundgren feature The Package.

For an American Kickboxer with golden pants- he sure went far.

Trivia: The Package (2013) was actually directed by Jesse V. Johnson who’s slowly but surely becoming a real force to be reckoned with in the action movie industry with films such as British comicbook– adaptation Accident Man (2018) and the Asian Expendables awesomeness that is Triple Threat (2019).

 

01.  Don “The Dragon” Wilson  (72-5-2 KB)

To circle back to the start with Mr. Roger Corman, there’s one kickboxer in particular who made more movies with Corman than anyone else. His name is of course Don “The Dragon” Wilson. Coming from a Kung Fu Pai Lum Kung Fu and Goju-ryu Karate background he competed in Kickboxing on and off until 2002 (with his final exhibition match in 2011).  He amassed an incredible list of titles: IKF, WKA, KICK, ISKA, STAR and the PKO and with wins over such opponents like Dennis Alexio, Oaktree Edwards and Dick Kimbe he is considered one of the greatest American Kickboxers of all time.

His acting career on the other hand was let’s say- slightly less impressive. He started transitioning to movies with a villain role in 1982 Hong Kong movie New York Chinatown aka Xue xi Tang Ren Jie (1988) and made his debut as a lead with Bloodfist– of course a Roger Corman production directed by Terence H. Winkless. And Bloodfist would continue to be his bread and butter as he filmed 8 parts to date!!! Another stand outs are Ring of Fire movies, featuring other famous Martial Artist like Billy Blanks, Michael Jai White and already mentioned Gary Daniels.

Now for us, we prefer the more obscure and odd moments of his filmography like his forays into SF with Virtual Combat (1995) and let us not forget his horror movie Night Walker(1996) (utilizing shaky cam to the max way before it was a fashionable thing to do) with Wilson breaking freaking vampire spines!

After all this time he’s still working and seems to be doing alright for himself but in retrospect he just never had the charisma and elegance of someone like Van Damme that could have pushed him to the real super- stardom. But he did challenge Van Damme to a Kickboxing match, so you got to give him that.

 

 

Starquest II aka Galactic Odyssey aka Mind Breakers (1996)

Posted: 20/08/2018 in Trash movies
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Some of you are too young to remember but in the early days there was nothing more disappointing then your favorite TV show (like Star Trek) starting on TV- just for you to find out it was a clip- show episode and you waited in vain. That kind of a thing would completely ruing your day.


Now, even thou that phenomenon was closely related to TV (live action). Now fair share of TV shows and Hanna Barbera cartoons too made a practice of doing that but in reality there was more than a few movies that implemented that same philosophy. Roger Corman was as guilty of that as much (or more than) anyone else. See Carnosaur/ Raptor for some examples.

 

When Frank Gallo approached him about directing a non-related sequel to the Starquest aka Terminal Voyage. I imagine he just waved his hand and said “you can use any of my old SF movies for clips and just keep it under budget”.

Movie starts right away with the clip show montage consisting of anything from Archival NASA footage to Corman’s Battle Beyond Stars all the while playing to 90’s dance beats. Can’t go wrong with that but we have no idea what’s going on.

Now, the film’s actual start has 8 people of all different creeds waking up in a mysterious compound. They are not sure where they are or what’s going on and the first thing they all witness a man in a security uniform being electrocuted by something that looks suspiciously like Hall 9000.

Things get a little heated up, a soldier (fan favorite Adam Baldwin) and ex- con Trent (played by a Kickboxing legend Jerry Trimble) almost come to blows. But then a Priest of undisclosed religion (always fantastic Robert Englund) shows up to greet them and clue them in on their situation. Turns out they are in Space.

Another video-montage played by a board computer (set to a soothing soundtrack) explains the crew that humanity has lost it’s way and heralded it’s own destruction. Then the techno music comes in and we are treated to a number of striping and sex scenes. Now, I know some strippers tend to be crazy but I’m pretty sure they are not to blame for the downfall of human civilization.

 

Then the video shifts to a doctor doing some crazy Re-Animator shit and it abruptly ends with the launch of Omega 4 Spaceship (it’s mission- to save human species). We also see the Alien narrating everything and the costume is funny as it gets (with mouth that can barely move at all). But, that’s Roger Corman/ New Horizons production for you.

Trent and the military personnel get into an argument again but suddenly the ship starts shaking- they are attack by a Reptilian race of aliens (and if conspiracy theories thought us anything,those are the mean ones). Suddenly a cyborg pilot emerges from his sleep and he does his job admirably!

Space fight scene
Star Trek- eat your heart out.

Once his done he returns to his chamber. Trent doesn’t like him one bit and can’t wait to star a fight. In the meantime the bold dude and the black chick are plotting behind Father’s back. It seems they knew about the alien attack and they are not pleased with the result.

Lee (Baldwin) and Susan start discussing their fear that the Earth was destroyed– and that’s the reason they are here. They segued directly into the first sex scene of the movie
(I guess they decided it’s time to start repopulating). The funniest thing is Baldwin has constant Alien Abduction flashbacks– and he can still keep it up! That’s admirable.

fotka

It turns out the death of the first man wasn’t an accident, ’cause they find the blond soldier woman choked to death too. Trent tries to pressure a bold dude to show him how the ship’s computer works but he activates the cyborg the Protector. Trent gets into a brawl with the cyborg and almost dies but the bold dude ends up dying it the end. “Hall” electrocutes his remains too. Englund seems displeased with the development of the situation.

Suspecting everyone and anyone the rest of the crew capture Trent (using his stripper girlfriend as the bait). Black girl seduces another soldier (what she’s up to) and then stripper starts stripping so this becomes one big soft- core “spectacle” in space.

Baldwin uncovers that he was injected with an alien DNA. Black girl finally shows her true colors and starts killing, but not before getting a lap dance herself. Man, this girl is
having a busy night. Hope they tip her well (whatever currency works in space). She and Englund get into an argument which fraction really cares for human- Trent solves the conflict by shooting them up both. Unfortunately he dies himself trying to finish the girl off.

After they are left alone Alien flight attendant video shows up again and we have some more psychedelic imagery (not really the 2001 Space Odyssey level but still).

Verdict: As far as clip show movies go– this one makes no sense but is definitely a good fun- and the cast is surprisingly solid.

And as much as I’m an Adam Baldwin fan (Firefly, Chuck, The Last Ship) my favorite parts of the movie are Jerry Trimble scenes- he finally gets to do some acting in this one in addition to his kickboxing arsenal and he comes across like one of those disturbed gang members from Death Wish III. And also his on- screen girlfriend/ stripper Jeannie Millar is a real sight to behold. I was really disappointed to find she didn’t make that much movies  (except couple Black Scorpion ones for Corman, again) before her untimely death.

Vampirella (1996)

Posted: 27/02/2017 in Trash movies
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Vampirela was for the longest time my white whale something that for years and years seemed just about impossible to find.From the days of VHS tapes to the early  dial-up internet and primitive peer to pear sharing programs (remember WinMX) all the way up to the almighty Russian piracy sites. You could find a cover or a clip or a throwaway line about how bad it is but that was all. Now that technology has finally caught up with the elusive film (even here in Balkans) it is time for better or for the worst to watch the damned thing!

vampirella-rudy-nebresVampirella by one of my all- time favorite artist: Rudy Nebres

First we start with a bit of a history. Vampirella started her life as a comicbook character created by legendary Forrest J. Ackerman in 1969 for Warren’s Publishing company of Horror Magazines (Eerie and Creepy) fame.  Warren fell on some hard times and as we learned watching many B-movies, that’s noting a sexy girl can’t fix– especially if she’s also a vampire. Now, some really talented artist worked on Vampirella and fair share of the comic was a visual treat but even the original 70’s version didn’t have the most impressive writing. We’ll get back to that in a moment.

mv5bztyxzdyzmtmtndm4nc00owjjltkwy2mtmdnmzdrinjcwymixxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvynjexode1mdc-_v1_Strangely the actual costume in the movie doesn’t look anything like this.

We start our story, 30 centuries ago on a planet Drakulon ( actually footage from Not of This Earth, another Corman production) And yes that’s her actual origin story, since redconed because no one can make the idea of space vampires work. The ruler of the futuristic vampiric world (cheap Christopher Lee knock-off , strange because Christopher Lee himself wasn’t that expensive in the early 90’s) wearing plastic vampire teeth explains to his daughter how in the old days vampires would drain one another to drink (that actually doesn’t make any sense) and now they are technologically superior and they use Drakonic organic blood rivers and streams. There’s so much wrong with that idea that I can’t even begin to explain it.

Of course they cut straight to the person who disobeyed  the rule and drank from other vampires. He is also called Vlad just to make thing super clear. Just when they were about to execute him his compatriots break in and he kills the ruler. Desperate,  the princess Ella vows to avenge her father (thus becoming Vampirella, cleaver ha?) but renegades are already gone in their spaceship Gone to the little blue planet called… EARTH! (Yeah I guess you saw that coming, we did too.)

Couple of thousand years later we see some gang members torturing a poor ugly nerd. Mysterious female figure show up from the dark and saves him.

 

 

 

 

 

That boy is none other that Akerman (the above mentioned author of Ella) himself. He helps her to find the location of  one of the Vlad‘s minions Thraxx (now Dr. Traxx) using the magic of internet  and even gives her some clothes so she doesn’t receive too much attention when she goes out.

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_000819125Seriously, this is the best you’ve got- I’ve seen cosplayers with 10x better costumes!

In the meantime we see the operation of the P.U.R.G.E. organization strikeforce, offing some vampires in Mexico I believe. That’s mostly interesting just because they wear black garbage bags and sunglasses I guess to protect them from the sun, but mostly because they’re idiots.

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_000893625Garbage bag- never leave home without it!

And good ol’ condom-head  is still confused why no one thinks he’s dangerous dude! Vampirella tracks down Dr. Traxx and shows him her best Kung Fu moves (not too good). He apparently changed his ways but ends up impaled all the same. Ella manages to follow that up by the worst vampire transformation in the modern history of cinema (going back to the ’50s).

 

 

Impalement followed by a fantastic human to bat transformation, just incredible!

P.U.R.G.E.’s  are torturing one of the condom- heads, fetish looking even without his suit using holly water.He admits that Vlad is operating out of L.A. of all places. And that’s not all- the dude had 3000 years to conquer the freakin’ world and he wasted it all to  pursue a music career.Man, he really is something! Vampirella is also there to see him perform- she doesn’t seem all that impressed.

He shouldn’t leave his day job of world domination for this!

She surprises Vlad but Hellsings surprise them both. They lock them both up but Vlad easily escapes and kills the guards. Young Adam Van Helsing being the only one left teams up with Vampirella to take Vlad down once and for all. They also use the opportunity to exchange their origin stories and we get horrible flashback of  Ella stranded on Mars (which explains her being so late to get to Earth).

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_002476750“I’m telling you , there’s a half- naked chick over there!”

Unfortunately Adam returns to his home for a bit and gets smacked in the head by couple of porno looking vampire blonds. Vampirella does the only responsible thing,organizes an exchange with P.U.R.G.E., condom- head vampire for young Van Helsing. It all goes wrong as those thing tend to go and both Vampirella and Adam end up captured. Then Vlad tries to make her drink Adam’s blood to finally turn her evil but that doesn’t really work out for him. She does drink his blood but with his blessing and then she turns her new found strength to defeat the Vlad’s empire. He was just inches away of completing his evil plan involving satellites and vampirization of the whole humanity.

 

After the credits roll a sequel was promised  with a ultra- goth name of Death’s Dark Avenger. We’re still waiting for that one, even thou it will probably never happen but with Corman prodaction you just never know. In the meantime you can enjoy this song.

 

 

Verdict: Vampirella movie actually had some potential, even as a B movie but for that to work you would have to go all in with the Hard R and do not skimp on nudity and gore. Even Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat, Licence to Kill) was not a bad choice, even though she definitely needed to gain a few pounds so she can fill the iconic skimpy suit properly. Unfortunately Wynorski and Corman decided to go straight for camp, and managed to extract all the worst parts of a comic and  the effects well, they look like Corman hand drew them on film himself! That is even a real possibility given how historically cheap he could be.

One of the redeeming values of this movie is of course Roger Daltrey (of The Who fame) who’s performance is so over the top that you have no choice but be entertained by it.

 

 

 

Worse News: DOOMED! The Untold Story of Roger Corman’s The Fantastic Four has a release date!

Posted: 18/08/2016 in Trash movies, Worse News
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We already talked about Corman’s never (officially) released Fantastic Four movie  at great length couple years ago. In this article we also mentioned at that time work-in-progress documentary from the writer/ director Marty Langford shining a light on this fascinating subject.

MV5BMjAyMDA1MDYxN15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTIwNzI2OTE@._V1_SY1000_SX675_AL_… and this is a story of that movie!

If you don’t know the story- German producer Bernd Eichinger tried to get the right for a Fantastic Four movie in the early 1980’s and finally succeeded in 1986. He bought the right for non- glamorous price of quarter a million (remember those were the Dark Ages of Marvel adaptations). Now, unfortunately the rights were about to expire on December 31, 1992 and the movie didn’t even start the production.

Eichinger desperately asked for an extension from Marvel but he got none. So he did the only thing he could– he called B-Movie Grandmaster Roger Corman! Corman being Corman agreed to fast forward the movie and film it for just one million. And  after all that effort the movie was never to be released with Stan Lee claiming it was never meant to be released at all (and it exists solely to extend the rights) with Eichinger and Corman claiming they seriously planned to have it released in the cinemas.

Whatever the truth may be Fantastic Four(1994) will not be released but the documentary Doomed! The Untold Story of Roger Corman’s The Fantastic Four has a firm release date as of now! We can enjoy the crazy story of the FF on VOD in October 11, 2016 before it hits the DVD on December 20, 2016. Sing and rejoice!

W̶o̶r̶s̶e̶ ̶N̶e̶w̶s̶ Corman News: Death Race 2050!!!

Posted: 23/02/2016 in Worse News
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deathrace_article

The fact that many of his much younger coworkers started dying in last one year or so, didn’t prevent Roger Corman  from continuing to make  cult movies (more cult than movies truth to be told). Unexpectedly the most prolific B- Movie producer of all times  decided to remake a remake of his own film, legendary Death Race 2000 (Stallone, David Carradine), now Death Race 2050!

The filming is underway right this moment in Peru staring surprisingly potent cast of Mannu Benett (Chronicles of Shanara, Arrow, Spartacus), Malcom McDowell (Clockwork Orange, Halloween, Class of 1999) and Yancy Butler (Kick-Ass, Hard Target, Witchblade).

Deathrace

“This is an amazing opportunity for me and millions of Death Race 2000 fans to experience the intensity, thrills and dark humor of the original, fueled by a terrific young cast, spectacular vehicles and side-splitting action, literally” said Corman.

death-race-720x916

New York Comic-Con limited edition poster via IGN

Worse News: (Not So) Fantastic Four (2015)!

Posted: 10/08/2015 in Trash movies, Worse News
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This weekend after a great deal of drama, turmoil,  re-shoots  and rumors of director being removed from the final editing process new adaptation of Fantastic Four finally hit the big screen. As expected the reviews, one worse than the next started pouring in and after a while even the director Josh Trank decided to wash his hands of it and point the finger elsewhere.  Box-office expectations went from 50 to 40 to 30 million (and F4 didn’t even menage to get that- it earned 26.2 mill. in the end).

FF Tweet

As it often happens in this internet age in a less then a few hours new F4 became the most universally hated super- hero movie since 1997’s Batman & Robin (and that’s really saying something). Now as we lament another horrible attempt of adapting relatively straightforward SF/ Adventure comicbook let us remember  another Fantastic Four adaptation, the one that never got to the big screen…

FF

Setting some new records for comicbook adaptations!

Yes, we’re talking about  Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four! And yes, Corman’s F4 is by the numbers, cheap B Movie adaptation but it still menages to keep most of the elements that make Fantastic Four, well- fantastic! Hell, with a bit more on the budget side and a tighter script it could have been one of better super- hero flicks of it’s day.

The same can’t be said for Trank’s F4, nothing could have saved that mess. Fox should have been smart and pulled the plug on it before it was too late. But, what’s done is done. Hopefully rights finally revert back to Marvel, they did pretty damn good when that happened with Daredevil.

Worse News: Sharktopus VS Whalewolf aka The mysterious connection between Serbian royalty and B Movies!

Posted: 06/07/2015 in Trash movies, Worse News
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We’ll begin this news bulletin by schooling you in Serbian royal history. Why would you EVER need that? Hold on tight, you’ll find out in just a second.

Princess Elizabeth Karadjordjevic is the only daughter of Prince Paul of Yugoslavia ( he served as a regent for his cousin King Peter II of Yugoslavia) and Princess Olga of Greece/Denmark. Her first marriage was with  an American clothing manufacturer Howard Oxenberg and they have two daughters from the relationship- older being Catherine Oxenberg (Kатарина Оксенберг).

 276599_mdf41425_fCatherine with her mother, Princess Elizabeth Karadjordjevic

Catherine started her career in acting with a TV movie about Charles and Diana and continued with TV show like mega popular Dynasty and short lived action spectacle that is Acapulco H.E.A.T. But in the end the most important thing that came out of her acting career was meting her future husband Casper Van Dien ( Starship Troopers and almost nothing else worth mentioning).

51hR0R9F27L        Still popular in Germany!

Naturally they collaborated on numerous projects including “I Married A Princess”. Now, they finally made the ultimate (B) movie together, third film in the SyFy series- Roger Corman produced Sharktopus VS Whalewolf!!! The premiere date is July 19, so mark it on your calendar.

 

 

So while you enjoy the historical showdown between the Sharktopuss and his new arch nemesis the Whalewolf pay attention to the Nazi looking scientist Dr. Reinhardt and remember- she is our royalty and yes, we apologize.

Equalizer 2000 (1987)

Posted: 20/11/2014 in Trash movies
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equalizer-2000

In the post- apocalyptic future all that is left of human race now lives in a desert wasteland of North Alaska?! Yeah, that’s right. A new form of government has risen from the ashes of the old world,  The Ownership (and it looks kinda like a deadly combination of the American capitalism with German Nazism) rules the land with the iron hand  controlling all that is left of the natural resources- quickly depleting supplies of Oil. That of course prompts the creation of various rebel factions and it all results in a seemingly never ending war. During one of the battles father of muscle bound silent type Slade (Richard Norton) is shot. Slade disobeys a directer order from his commander Colonel Lawton desperately trying to help him but in spite of all his toughness and Martial Art prowess he ends up knocked out and captured. It turns out Lawton was just waiting for something like that to happen. Jealous of Slade he uses the opportunity to pronounce him a traitor and a wanted enemy of the Ownership.

Norton menages to escape using his superior fighting skills but ends up mixed up in another fight when he helps the mysterious and rebellious beauty Karen (Caorinne Wahl). He ends up wounded and she drives him to her village.There they stop the bleeding and effectively save his life.As Slade recovers he plots his revenge. He fixes the legendary Equalizer 2000, gun made of many more guns and by default the manliest thing ever.

Equalizer-2000-1What a gun, what a man!

Lawton eventually founds out where Slade is (with a little help from the future Terminator alumni Richard Patrick). Norton decides to hold his own while village gets evacuated and Equalizer enables him to do just that. Karen insist of helping him and the two of them start wreaking havoc on the army of The Ownership. After sustaining significant loses Lawton decides that he wants that gun. Easier said than done thou.

Equalizer 2000.avi_002706937Dynamic Duo!

After the short detour that consists of fight with Deke’s (Robert Patrick) men and a romantic evening with Karen Slade gathers up all the different rebel factions and takes the fight to the The Ownership themselves striking their fortress with all their might. Lawton uses the opportunity to kill his superior and take all the power for himself but as we learned power is nothing without the Equalizer.

Notice how the tribal rebels with bows and arrows can actually shoot better than those with guns.

After a hard and devastating fight Slade finally kills Lawton and people are finally free. Unfortunately his lady died in the process. Little bit shaken he goes back to his cool muscle car and rides away, presumably into some new and cool adventures.

Verdict: This movie is an all out balls to the wall action! It makes little to no sense but if there’s one thing you’ve got to admit- those Filipino exploitation directors (and Cirio H. Santiago a long time Roger Corman associate is  a true veteran of that genre with over a 100 movies under his belt) sure knew how to film crazy ass car chases and explosion and that’s practically all there is to Equalizer.

Trivia: Now the real fun part is the mere fact that the main actor, Aussie Richard Norton actually managed to get a role in a new Mad Max movie (Fury Road) as a fight choreographer and one of the villains!!!I’m pretty sure it’s more due to his incredible Martial Arts knowledge  ( he is an Okinawan weapons expert, one of the founders of Zen Do Kai Karate style and is also popular as a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and self- defense expert) and not due to George Miller’s being a fan of Equalizer but no mater how you look at it, it’s one hell of a Aussie Cinderella story.

 

34zex35 Richard on the set of Mad Max: Fury Road, nothing has changed

 

 

 

Deathstalker IV: Match of the Titans (1991)

Posted: 31/07/2014 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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Deathstalker IV: Match of the Titans is the final entry in the longest running Corman’s barbarian series. It also has the honor of being the only “official” sequel of Deathstalker being the only that acknowledges the first part ever happened.It also has the same lead actor (he was extremely unsuccessfully switched with John Terlesky and John Allen Nelson for parts 2 and 3) and we even witness a bit of his mystic sword power in the end.

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Films starts with a nice mix of Deathstalker 1 and Sorceress footage to set the tone and then we cut back to lion-man (man with lion heads) chasing a beautiful woman. Of course they don’t get far as the Deathstalker apears. Now armed with a bow and arrow, cocky as always he starts killing them off one at a time. It also helps that his adversaries have the intelligence of an animal.He takes her off to her village where he hopes to find his friend Adelar.

Unfortunately it turns out Adelar left and that’s very bad because he has Deathstalker’s sword (of justice). You see- in the recent battle they accidentally ended up with each others swords (cue in the more Corman archive footage).Deathstalker gets on his way towards the Kana’s castle while we enjoy a bit more archive footage (this time we can place it as pillaging of the village from Barbarian Queen). Even stranger he runs into a medieval bodybuilder (80’s hair and all) and his earnest trainer- small mustached man. Also bodybuilder insist on running while other people ride horses, I don’t think that ended up working out for him…

Deathstalker 4 Match of Titans (1990).avi_002144978With those muscles and mullet no one can possibly defeat him!

They run into some marauders attack the two girls and decide to help out. Unfortunately the warrior woman dies but at least Deathstalker menages to save her pretty blond sister.A lion man appears and menages to bury Deathstalker and Blond in a cave with assurance “you’ll never get out of here”. Strangely after a change of clothes- girl assumes her sisters warrior attire, they walk out of the cave without even trying. There’s something strange going on there. Also this is the first time I’ve ever witnessed Deathstalker being able to control himself confronted with a nude female body.

Deathstalker 4 Match of Titans (1990).avi_000803436And everything worked out just fine…

They finally reach the castle to find premises are filled with all kinds of scum you can imagine- killers and muggers, barbarians and beast people and even a tribe of amazon- like lesbian warriors. Deathstalker also engages in an American Gladiator style test of strength just ’cause he can. Unfortunately Adelar is nowhere to be found. Kana shows up and announces the beginning of their new tournament. ‘Stalker starts making up with the blond with queen Kana calls for him so he switches his priorities.But they get into a bit of a fight and queen commands him to leave and then calls for a man “the bigger, the better… and drunk” in a comedic highlight of this  film.

The blonde, Dionara menages to really piss off a leader of Amazons and they get into full blown chick fight. Duels continue with a new mish mash of archived sequel including my favorite- a barbarian Roberto Benigni betting brutally killed.

She sure knows what she’s doing…

 

Of course the bodybuilder and Deathstalker eventually get to fight one another and we find out (like people keep finding out to this day), bodybuilding is not the best “Martial Art”

Like I said…

 

Deathstalker suspecting something is wrong (with his friend still missing and all) decides to sneak around a bit and finds all kinds of interesting stuff like amazon orgies, raging pigmen and also some strange dealings of the Queen Kora (including poisinging men with her wine and doing strange stuff to them).

 Deathstalker 4 Match of Titans (1990).avi_002428228Queen enjoys watching porn in her free time, who knew?

Deathstalker and Dionara decide that the only way to trick queen is to send her an only person who’s not a drinker in the castle- a bodybuilder! Deathstalker also uses opportunity to teach him a lesson he might need- lesson in “ravaging” women. Strangely their plan works and he occupies the queen long enough for them to sneak in. They finally figure out her plan to make an invincible army using her magic wine to transform mighty warriors into stone obeying her every command. She almost gets to Deathstalker too but Dionara saves her using her amulet. He then proceeds to expose her evil plan an massive (for B- movie budget) battle ensues. Fight between her Russian sounding bodyguard, famed as the greatest warrior (yet so old he can barely move) and Deathstalker is
a special treat.

 

Then we finally see that the Kora had Deathstalker’s sword all along. She tries to stop him with he magic but he burns her a bit and she sudenly dies- turning into stone herself (I have no idea how that works). Movie ends with a kiss between Dionara and Deathstalker (D&D right there) but Deathstalker runs away on his horse as soon as he has the chance.

Deathstalker 4 Match of Titans (1990).avi_004530163Maybe a kiss could wake her up?

Verdict: Judging by the standards of Roger Corman production (cutting corners with ton of previously used footage ) Deathstalker IV is a solid entry featuring fun (if not particularly well done)action scenes, more than a few (intentional and unintentional) comedic moments and a fair dose of gratitude nudity needed for a watchable Barbarian flick.

Trivia: Maria Ford aka Dionara is Quentin Tarantino’s favorite B- movie actress. Who would have known.

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