Posts Tagged ‘Monsters’

If 80s bad movies would ever make a party one flick would be pushed away from the others and would spend entire party time sadly standing alone in a corner with dumb expression on its face. Very few of them would show a pity (or ignorance) and come approach to the guy in a corner, politely asking for his name. Answer would make them to shudder and turn their backs with expression of utter disgust. For Neon Maniacs is the name!!! Very rarely do you seriously come across a movie with no redeeming values whatsoever. Lovers of extreme cheesiness and bad B-movies rejoice! This is a truly cheesy, utterly bad film that you fans of z-level entertainment can totally immerse yourselves into!

This is what you get for watching this movieThis is what you get for watching this movie

San Francisco in sunrise. Golden Gate Bridge, to be more accurate. One fisherman under it is preparing to depart. No catch for him this morning, He collects his gear and takes a shortcut under the bridge. There he finds a bundle. What is inside? A trading cards with pictures monsters on it! It seems that he did catch something after all. A deadly catch for he got slayed a moment after while he was still looking at poorly designed cards! Muahahahhahaha

Lets play tapLet’s play tap

After intro credits, we see a bunch of drunken teenagers driving in a car and singing birthday song to their friend Natalie (played by Leilani Sarelle). Their stop – a local park where they are going to celebrate Natalie’s birthday. Somewhere in between they stumbled upon nice, but feeble-minded guy Steven (played by Alan Hayes in person), who thinks it is cute to name your pet after specie they belong to in animal kingdom (his dog is named Dog). Of course, good girl Natalie, who is also very nice (and equally feeble-minded) obviously have a crush on him. Sparkles between them can be seen even from the last row
in cinema (that is, if anyone went to watch this crap at all). Anyhow, Natalie’s Neanderthal friends used this opportunity to make a couple of jokes on account of Steven’s “creativity, shove him off and continue their way to before mentioned park. There, they celebrate birthday in orgies of alcohol, drugs, and low-rated, barely-shown teenage sex.

These 2 sisters are regular guests at every partyThese 2 sisters are regular guests at every party

But different kind of orgies is about to start soon. Orgies of blood, gore, organs and intestines (my personal favorite). You see, while Natalie’s slutty friend Lisa (played by Amber Austin) was trying to convince birthday girl into losing her virginity (yeah, right), other couples have already split and went to their secret places. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, bunch of hilarious, colorful monsters pop-up from wherever their lair is. First lucky couple to go are Sue (played by Katherine Heard) and Wally (played by none else but Jeff Tyler). Wally died after he left horny Sue on bench and went behind the trees to vomit and take a piss. Another slut bites the dust when some kind of mutant samurai had her decapitated while she was giving a blowjob to her boyfriend. He dies a moment after, still with expression of satisfaction on his face. What a way to die! Next ones are Lisa and Ray (played by James Atcheson), both trying to convince Natalie into having sex by having one right in front of her! Or at least they tried to, since they got interrupted by these strange creatures. Lisa attempted to escape but mutant samurai killed with picado dart shot from crossbow (?!), while one-eyed man-fish was hanging Ray onto nearest tree. As for the rest of Natalie’s friends, mutant war veteran, Neanderthal Chuck Norris , biker monster, crazy cartoonish surgeon and mutant Indian took care of them. Natalie SOMEHOW manages to escape. She goes straight to police. Of course, they don’t believe her so they let her go home. And what does she do same night when her 6 best friends were killed? Instead of mourning them, she takes a nice, long, relaxing floating in her swimming pool while having wet dreams about Neanderthal Chuck Norris. Who is the real monster here then?

Prehistoric Chuck Norris

Next day Natalie goes to school as if nothing had happened. There she meets a horror movie director wannabe Paula (played by Donna Locke). Inspired by recent events Paula wants to film some kind of “Lost” horror where vampire is drinking virgin blood on local graveyard in broad daylight! I believe that Joseph Mangine ,director of this movie, is not much more skilled than Paula. Anyway, Paula continues with her investigation about monsters and, one night, she finds out their hideout and that they are vulnerable to, hold your breath, WATER!!! Simple, plain water! Then why they are living under the bridge, I ask you? No
one bothered to explain. Also, Paula recorded a murder of the cop with her camera but she didn’t find it enough important to show it to police. Meanwhile, another group of mutants/monsters/dolls/cartoons/men with makeup killed bus driver during their encounter with Steven and Natalie. Those two lucky bastards had yet again escaped long arm of monster justice. Damn it! Next night they attacked Paula at her room but she managed to repel them with squirt gun!

Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver...mutantHail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver…mutant

Now it is time to take an action! Paula informs Natalie about monsters’ weakness and hideout. And what does Natalie do? She decides to go to the battle of the local loser bands show instead of trying to get people to help her and kill the creatures! One must ask himself what are her priorities? As you may have already guessed, one of the loser bands has Steven as their front man. You can’t have a loser band without such nincompoop. Anyway, monsters, all 12 of them, busted a party with machine guns (I know, I know….bear it with me. Soon it will be over), killing everyone in their way including wiping out loser bands. Though, Steven had managed to escape again, together with Paula and Natalie.

I bet you expected another arrow to the knee referenceI bet you expected another arrow to the knee reference

They finally decided to inform a police and do something about killing monsters. It didn’t take too long for such action. Only a couple of dozens corpses. They stormed in their lair armed to the teeth with various arsenal of squirt weapons. But no one was there. Monsters had escaped! Or did they? One detective was persistent in investigation after everyone else left, which had cost him a life. Let’s just say he got really hooked up (literally). Muahahahahha

Conclusion: Who are they? Where did they came from? Why they are killing? What is their origin? Why they are living under a bridge when they are vulnerable to water and they are not trolls? These are the questions no one even bothered to try to give an answer. The movie has some of the worst music ever committed to a motion picture. Ever seen one of those crappy ass wedding videos with that terrible synthesizer music on the background? Well that’s exactly what they used through out this whole movie! As for monsters themselves, we haven’t seen much of them either. They kept them mostly in shadows, probably due to low budget being insufficient for a proper make-up. But low budget can’t be excuse. For example, “Freaks” had been filmed with stolen camera and special effects done by a local butcher. And that movie is the masterpiece! As for end itself, it left a huge space (almost as big as space in plot holes) for a sequel. Until this day, no sequel has ever been made. And praise the Lord for that! One question for the end: What is your favorite Neon Maniac?

Nothing is ever simple. Especially in the world of B- movie making. See Spookies for example. Movie started it’s life as Twisted Souls and was shot in the summer of 1984.Directing credits were sharedby  Brendan Faulkner and Thomas Doran. Now it gets weird. Some legal issues between the producers prevented final post production work from being completed and thus Twisted Souls died a slow death… Only to be RESURRECTED a year later when one of the producers hired Eugenie Joseph to direct more footage which combined with the original Twisted Souls footage became Spookies.

So the original storyline (teenagers take a wrong turn and arrive at the hunted mansion) was inter-weaved with a much older cast, crazed ancient magician trying to revive his bride and (like that’s not enought) bizzare scene of a boy looking for his birthday party (and finding DEATH instead), also- the mysterious Cat- Man that appears on and off throughout the movie seemingly serving to purpose at all.

So if you’re confused by some of the beats of the storyline, don’t worry- we are too.

Movie opens with idiotic looking boy is playing in the woods in the middle of the night for some reason. He then runs into a suspicious bearded fellow (probably a convicted rapist). After chatting for a bit the rapist leaves him be (boy is too ugly even for him) and mere seconds later gets mauled to death by the CAT-MAN! Then we cut to the Dr.Frankenstein like old man with computerized voice and German accent. He is a powerful magician Kroan looking at a (somehow) perfectly preserved corpse of his love and vows that he will bring her back to life after 75 years.

Then the camera abruptly cuts to couple of “teenagers” consisting of Italian wannabe badass, his whore girlfriend and the funny-guy. I sincerely hope to see them all dead in a mater of seconds but I’m just not that lucky. Billy is extremely happy to find some presents waiting for him in his home but he founds out that not all surprises are good surprises….

At least Billy’s agonies are over now.

At that point teenaged and some strange grown up couples arrive at the mansion all at the same time. Despite obvious dislike for one another two groups bond over some old school Ouija board, unfortunately that doesn’t turn out to be best way to have fun either. They ask some questions that they don’t want answered like “will we leave this house alive” and soon enough the woman with 80’s hairdo turns into some kind of magically powered zombie creature that goes after the rest of them (that zombie was the original evil mastermind in the first incarnation of the film as Magician didn’t exist). Next thing you know about a million zombies come out of their graves and surround the mansion and things start looking surprisingly grim for our marry little group.

Spookies 1986.mp4_001523600This look is actually an improvement for her!

Also the wizard Kreon menages to bring back his bride to life (just like that).I thought we needed ton of human sacrifices and stuff… it seems not. Anyway to his surprise him bride finally awake after 70 years- want’s only to be left alone and go back to being dead. Evil scientist aka Magician doesn’t seem pleased with that at all. Couples scatter and Italian dude and his ugly girlfriend decide to make out in this dire situation in some creepy- ass cellar. It goes well as any making out business in Horror movies because they get interrupted by some FARTING MUMMIES!!! No, we did not make this up. They also menage to kill them by pouring a really old wine over them- true story.

Classy European lady is abusing her husband just to find him dead. If that wasn’t enough she also gets attacked by a small goblin-like creature all the while Cat- Man enjoys the show watching it vicariously. Anyway the surviving members do manage to meet up again but it all ends up in an all out brawl  between the Italian and the elderly businessman. I would call that the most ridiculous thing in this movie but man there’s just too many candidates.

The unhappy bride menages to escape raging Kroan. Some more zombies emerge (man, this mansion sure has a nice graveyard section) and unfunny comic relief somehow ends up fallowing the mysterious Chinese lady… unfortunately it turns out that she is in fact mysterious Chinese Spider Lady. She brutally murders them while the rest of the group faces the Grim Reaper (!!!) that they awoken with their fighting. They do menage to save themselves and defeat the reaper by throwing him off the room and he detonates like a small atom bomb.

05That’s what you get for following a Chinese Spider Lady!

Next up the surviving members face a octopus- like creature with (horribly animated) electric tentacles and that would be the end of them if not for the Bride who finally kills Kroan by stabbing him in the forehead.That still doesn’t stop the zombie force and they keep chasing her all through the woods with a synthesizer beat that sounds like a straight lift from Michael Jackson’s Thriller. She finally sees the car at the end of the woods and desperately rushes inside. The driver menages to get past (or thru) all the zombies and she is finally free! only NOT- because the driver is in fact the mysterious Cat- Man!!! She screams. The End

In the mist of all the poor editing and spliced footage that doesn’t really work together this movie is envisioned as a Horror Comedy with a great emphasis on monster effects. Unfortunately effects are often quite pathetic , comical moments are nothing short of sad and horror bits are the real comedy here.

So, to sum it up for you nicely, the only truly good thing about this movie is a badass poster by legendary comicbook artist and illustrator Richard Corben- if movie was even half as captivating as his work we would really have something on our hands, unfortunately that is not the case.


PS If you got this far and you’re still not convinced that this is NOT a movie for you- well you can might as well give it a shot, there’s full movie over here.


No matter what this cover claims, Mark Hammil is NOT Guyver!

This movie starts unassumingly enough with a Japanese scientist facing a vicious gang lead by none other by the legendary Michael Berryman. Scientist does the only logical think he can do in this situation, ru… TURNS INTO A FREAKIN’ GILLMAN!? That doesn’t really help him much ’cause it seems that every single member of the gang has a “turn into a monster” switch. The poor dude never had a chance.

Little while later the detective is on the case, we know he’s the detective ’cause he is Max aka Mark Hamill with MUSTACHES! Although that makes him look a bit more like an old pervert when I think about it. He finds the daughter of the scientist in a local Martial Arts club and that’s where we meet our hero! Yes, the main character of this film is not by any means an SF/ Geek Culture legend like Hamill, nope! It’s an irritating blond highschooler called Sean who’s just this moment getting  his ass kicked five ways to Sunday by a long haired dude who strangely wears a combination of Aikido hakama and Metallica shirt (it seems some things have changed sense the last time I went into the Aikido dojo).

The girl Mizky (Vivian Wu) takes the news surprisingly well, but I believe that’s just because of the actress’s inability to display any kind of convincing emotional reaction. Hamill takes her to the murder scene hoping the girl would provide any kind of clue and Sean fallows them. Maybe he’s jealous or something? Anyway trying to eavesdrop he stumbles onto a strange metal object and decides to keep it. A bit later he decides to pay Mizky Segawa a visit ’cause she promised him a date- despite the fact that her father just died hours ago!!! Now this Sean is either an asshole or a moron… or quite possibly both! I already said that he is a terrible lead character, right?

Disappointed he heads back and he’s luck doesn’t’ get any better. He gets ambushed  by a street gang. And their leader is no one other than Aikido- Metalhead dude. He decides to continue what he started in the dojo, with a bit of backup this time. Son tries to defend himself but he’s martial arts are so pathetic that he almost gets killed but than something extraordinary happens… the alien bio- armor Guyver activates and merges with him and despite a bit dodgy effects suit is pretty cool. He of course completely destroys criminals but stays on the street dumbfounded trying to realize what the hell just happened.

Are all gangs really this retarded?

In the meantime the evil director of Kronos Corporation (David Gale who you may remember from such films as the Re-animator and Bride of the Reanimator)  is giving Berryman  a lesson for his failure to deliver the Guyver which he calls the most powerful weapon in the universe. It turns out that Lisker (Berryman) brought him a suitcase that contained no Guyver (but it did have a broken toaster in it). Having no other clues he orders him to find Sagava’s daughter and bring her to him. Also he displays his supreme evil by smashing a previously mentioned toaster!

We all know it’s all toasters fault!

Hamill is connecting the dots back to Kronos Corp. but other policeman (being stupid or corrupt) are trying to stop him. He disobeys and continues his investigation. Sean who can at this point only be described as a stalker again visits the girl again and after seeing she is completely heartbroken asks the immortal question “May is something wrong? Man, are you dense, retarded or something? You fallowed her to the murder scene last night, don’t you remember!? Of course he uses the opportunity to try to get in her pants. Unfortunately a neighbor comes barging in and he runs away seeing his opportunity for sex is gone. He returns a bit later with some food hoping for another chance with Mizky but founds Berryman and the his band of merry Zoanoids kidnapping her. Also Berryman shows that he is the hit with the ladies He offers a trip to Brazil to the muscled up lady with crazy hair and she practically jumps all over him. Sean doesn’t know what to do but then Max appears out of  nowhere and spoils everything for the mutant team. Seeing they are getting away the already pathetic rapper dude transforms into a freakin’ JAR- JAR BINKS ON STEROIDS!

Hamill asks the girl what is happening and she screams “They want the Guyver” And the Guyver is right beside her without her even knowing it- what an incredible series of coincidences! All of the goons go all Moster Squad-y and that’s the moment when you finally realize how much they dropped the ball with the monster costumes. I mean, this movie is almost exclusively based on monsters a and this is what we get? Rejects from a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers show? That’s kinda’ tragic.

You Don’t Mess with the Zoanoids!

After beating the living crap out of Hammil they concentrate on the girl and Sean and finally unleashes his power. Well, not really first he fails even at that but than after getting Hulk mad he proclaims “I am the Guyver” and truly becomes one. Bio-armored Warrior vs Monster- OK, that’s something that will finally make this movies watchable, right? WRONG! Jar- Jar start rapping like a 5 year old white kid challenging Guyver to fight and at that point all I want to do is turn off this film and never speak of it again. For some strange reason we decide to soldier on and when fighting finally starts it’s half- way decent. Some fancy karate moves , some of those Aikido take downs that he failed to learn in the beginning, some unnecessary and poorly placed acrobatics but all in all fun scenes. But then when they finally have something going for them they make the scene last way too long and in the end you root for the bad guys when they finally overwhelm the Guyver and… KILL HIM? Hellyeah!

vlcsnap-2013-03-29-00h52m47s185And that’s all she wrote. At least he can hope, right?

I guess this is the end? Nope... Misky wakes up in the chambers of Cronos Corp. and the evil  and the old man, director of the Kronos Corp is touching her. This is disturbing. He then shows her a few things, mostly Zoanoids, genetically altered human beings in tubes. She seems too stupid to understand any of that.


She’s a keeper, that one!

He envisions Zoanoids ruling the world, Zoltoid in the white house and such (Obama anyone?). He demands information on Guyver and then starts touching her once again. She tries to run but he takes her to Dr. East who is strangely the same person as Dr. West (from Re-Animator). She spots Hammil in one of those tubes and starts crying.They try to blackmail her in revealing the secret to activating Guyver right there but she kicks the old pervert in the nuts, grabs the Guyver (in it’s portable form ofc) and starts running away. Some comical scenes ensue and one of the mosters swalows the Guyver. Evil director is loosing his mind again but Guyver comes out… now fully grown and regenerated- he freakin’ regenerated the whole human being! How that human being fit into the stomach of that monster we will never know…  Two of them set free Max (Hammil) and then we have some Road Runner/ Wile E Coyote runing scenes spliced with a bit more Guyver on Monsters action. Guyver finally defeats the whole Ziltoid gang but Hammil ends up turning into one himself. Just think about it, you get Star Wars alumni for your SF/ Action flick, you give him supporting rule and then you turn him into a freakin’ talking bug.., that dies immediately after transformation.

No, you are not stoned, Mark Hammil did in fact turn into a giant bug!

Their mourning is interrupted by the evil director aka  ZOALORD and after demanding Guyver armor one more time he decides to take it himself… BY TURNING INTO A GIANT RED DINOSAUR/ SPIDER HYBRID! Now this confrontation could theoretically be exciting but it mostly happens off camera because of the budget limits and it ends as B- Movies always end, with a really big explosion (those at least are not expensive. Minsky and Sean look at one another, he takes off the Guyver armor and in the process ends up butt naked. Japanese girl seems overjoyed by that*. They walk into the “sunset” but then we see two shadowy figures in the background. Those turn out to be the corrupt cop (from the beginning) and Jar- Jar Binks Rapper (why, oh why is this man still alive?). Cop decides to give a little jab to Jar- Jar and he seems exhilarated by that fact- possibly ’cause he’ll have opportunity to spill a bit more of his lame rhymes while torturing somebody. Than the move thankfully ends. Whoa, this was a hard one- I can honestly say that we barely made it.


Happy ending?

Verdict: First problem of this movie I already pointed out and that’s sub- par costumes. But just as big the problem is the main character. You should root for the hero but this  guy, this guy you want to see dead, possibly by decapitation. Good news-  of course that actually happens during this movie (unfortunately it doesn’t stay that way). This is what happens when American’s try their hand in adaptation of manga/anime 20 years before the effects for doing so were available!

Live action Guyver with it’s bloody and crazy fights scenes could have been a cool flick but this just looks like a adaptation of Power Rangers with just one Ranger and fifth of the budget! Better waste your time on the original manga/ anime, it’s leaps and bounds above this monstrosity.

Trivia: Director of this movie Steve Wang actually did end up working on Power Rangers: The Movie 4 years later.  Producers hired him due to being the only American experienced in making this type of movies but after he started suggesting various ways to “make film better” they quickly changed their minds and fired him.