Posts Tagged ‘Horror’

Neon Maniacs (1986)

Posted: 23/02/2015 in Trash movies
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If 80s bad movies would ever make a party one flick would be pushed away from the others and would spend entire party time sadly standing alone in a corner with dumb expression on its face. Very few of them would show a pity (or ignorance) and come approach to the guy in a corner, politely asking for his name. Answer would make them to shudder and turn their backs with expression of utter disgust. For Neon Maniacs is the name!!! Very rarely do you seriously come across a movie with no redeeming values whatsoever. Lovers of extreme cheesiness and bad B-movies rejoice! This is a truly cheesy, utterly bad film that you fans of z-level entertainment can totally immerse yourselves into!

This is what you get for watching this movieThis is what you get for watching this movie

San Francisco in sunrise. Golden Gate Bridge, to be more accurate. One fisherman under it is preparing to depart. No catch for him this morning, He collects his gear and takes a shortcut under the bridge. There he finds a bundle. What is inside? A trading cards with pictures monsters on it! It seems that he did catch something after all. A deadly catch for he got slayed a moment after while he was still looking at poorly designed cards! Muahahahhahaha

Lets play tapLet’s play tap

After intro credits, we see a bunch of drunken teenagers driving in a car and singing birthday song to their friend Natalie (played by Leilani Sarelle). Their stop – a local park where they are going to celebrate Natalie’s birthday. Somewhere in between they stumbled upon nice, but feeble-minded guy Steven (played by Alan Hayes in person), who thinks it is cute to name your pet after specie they belong to in animal kingdom (his dog is named Dog). Of course, good girl Natalie, who is also very nice (and equally feeble-minded) obviously have a crush on him. Sparkles between them can be seen even from the last row
in cinema (that is, if anyone went to watch this crap at all). Anyhow, Natalie’s Neanderthal friends used this opportunity to make a couple of jokes on account of Steven’s “creativity, shove him off and continue their way to before mentioned park. There, they celebrate birthday in orgies of alcohol, drugs, and low-rated, barely-shown teenage sex.

These 2 sisters are regular guests at every partyThese 2 sisters are regular guests at every party

But different kind of orgies is about to start soon. Orgies of blood, gore, organs and intestines (my personal favorite). You see, while Natalie’s slutty friend Lisa (played by Amber Austin) was trying to convince birthday girl into losing her virginity (yeah, right), other couples have already split and went to their secret places. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, bunch of hilarious, colorful monsters pop-up from wherever their lair is. First lucky couple to go are Sue (played by Katherine Heard) and Wally (played by none else but Jeff Tyler). Wally died after he left horny Sue on bench and went behind the trees to vomit and take a piss. Another slut bites the dust when some kind of mutant samurai had her decapitated while she was giving a blowjob to her boyfriend. He dies a moment after, still with expression of satisfaction on his face. What a way to die! Next ones are Lisa and Ray (played by James Atcheson), both trying to convince Natalie into having sex by having one right in front of her! Or at least they tried to, since they got interrupted by these strange creatures. Lisa attempted to escape but mutant samurai killed with picado dart shot from crossbow (?!), while one-eyed man-fish was hanging Ray onto nearest tree. As for the rest of Natalie’s friends, mutant war veteran, Neanderthal Chuck Norris , biker monster, crazy cartoonish surgeon and mutant Indian took care of them. Natalie SOMEHOW manages to escape. She goes straight to police. Of course, they don’t believe her so they let her go home. And what does she do same night when her 6 best friends were killed? Instead of mourning them, she takes a nice, long, relaxing floating in her swimming pool while having wet dreams about Neanderthal Chuck Norris. Who is the real monster here then?

Prehistoric Chuck Norris

Next day Natalie goes to school as if nothing had happened. There she meets a horror movie director wannabe Paula (played by Donna Locke). Inspired by recent events Paula wants to film some kind of “Lost” horror where vampire is drinking virgin blood on local graveyard in broad daylight! I believe that Joseph Mangine ,director of this movie, is not much more skilled than Paula. Anyway, Paula continues with her investigation about monsters and, one night, she finds out their hideout and that they are vulnerable to, hold your breath, WATER!!! Simple, plain water! Then why they are living under the bridge, I ask you? No
one bothered to explain. Also, Paula recorded a murder of the cop with her camera but she didn’t find it enough important to show it to police. Meanwhile, another group of mutants/monsters/dolls/cartoons/men with makeup killed bus driver during their encounter with Steven and Natalie. Those two lucky bastards had yet again escaped long arm of monster justice. Damn it! Next night they attacked Paula at her room but she managed to repel them with squirt gun!

Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver...mutantHail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver…mutant

Now it is time to take an action! Paula informs Natalie about monsters’ weakness and hideout. And what does Natalie do? She decides to go to the battle of the local loser bands show instead of trying to get people to help her and kill the creatures! One must ask himself what are her priorities? As you may have already guessed, one of the loser bands has Steven as their front man. You can’t have a loser band without such nincompoop. Anyway, monsters, all 12 of them, busted a party with machine guns (I know, I know….bear it with me. Soon it will be over), killing everyone in their way including wiping out loser bands. Though, Steven had managed to escape again, together with Paula and Natalie.

I bet you expected another arrow to the knee referenceI bet you expected another arrow to the knee reference

They finally decided to inform a police and do something about killing monsters. It didn’t take too long for such action. Only a couple of dozens corpses. They stormed in their lair armed to the teeth with various arsenal of squirt weapons. But no one was there. Monsters had escaped! Or did they? One detective was persistent in investigation after everyone else left, which had cost him a life. Let’s just say he got really hooked up (literally). Muahahahahha

Conclusion: Who are they? Where did they came from? Why they are killing? What is their origin? Why they are living under a bridge when they are vulnerable to water and they are not trolls? These are the questions no one even bothered to try to give an answer. The movie has some of the worst music ever committed to a motion picture. Ever seen one of those crappy ass wedding videos with that terrible synthesizer music on the background? Well that’s exactly what they used through out this whole movie! As for monsters themselves, we haven’t seen much of them either. They kept them mostly in shadows, probably due to low budget being insufficient for a proper make-up. But low budget can’t be excuse. For example, “Freaks” had been filmed with stolen camera and special effects done by a local butcher. And that movie is the masterpiece! As for end itself, it left a huge space (almost as big as space in plot holes) for a sequel. Until this day, no sequel has ever been made. And praise the Lord for that! One question for the end: What is your favorite Neon Maniac?

Death Spa aka Witch Bitch (1989)

Posted: 29/11/2013 in Trash movies
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When I first time heard of this movie it immediately reminded me on Aerobicide. Unfortunately, unlike the previously mentioned jewel of AIP production (Prior brothers), Death Spa is not as funny and interesting but only much worse. Though, truth to be told, there are a lot of dumb, retarded, gay jocks and empty-headed bimbos in Death Spa as well.

The movie starts with the lighting striking gym’s neon sign “Starbody Health Spa” (possibly the worst name ever), after which remaining working letters  create “Death Spa”. Oooh that can’t be good. Inside the gym hottie Laura (played by Brenda Bakke) is dancing and cleaning windows with her ass. She is alone  there. Or is she? One of the trainers there, Marvin (played by horror movies veteran Ken Foree) approached and informed her that closing time is near and  Laura is the only one left. So she decides to take quick relaxing in sauna. Now, I forgot to mention that the whole facility is top-notch and completely  controlled by computer. But computers make mistake too. Poor Laura is about to discover that when she, by mischief, gets locked inside sauna and things start to get really hot inside. It seems that computer has been putting a lot of poison gas inside. With her last atoms of strength Laura manages to break a small  window on sauna’s doors.

Let off some steam, LauraLet off some steam, Laura!

Who might have done it? Apart Marvin, two more persons have been there. Owner of the club Michael (played by William Bumiller) and David (played by Merrit  Butrick) who is main programmer and Michael’s brother-in-law. Well, an ex brother-in-law since his sister and Michael’s wife is dead. This mystery will try  to solve funny Lt. Fletcher (played by Frank McCarthy) and his associate, lovely Sgt. Stone (played by Rosalind Cash). Following morning both of them are at  the club, going past the above mentioned gay jocks and dumb bimbos, interrogating both Michael and David afterwards. Meanwhile, accidents are just waiting to happen. Apparently, someone has been messing with diving board. Actually, someone got loose bolts on diving board which almost killed some girl who was  trying to jump into the pool. All of this seems to puts a lot of pressure onto Michael’s shoulders since he dreams about wheelchairs in flame almost every  night. I must admit that that detail got my attention…for about 5 seconds! WTH burning wheelchairs from hell has to do with health spa??? I guess I am  going to get an answer on that question. Though, I believe that an answer is not going to make much sense. Anyway, back to spa now. I notice that enormous
number of homosexuals with muscles is attending gym. Well, I hardly find it surprising. It was truth back then same as now days. Michael really freaks out when he finds a bird nest in his office. He runs to David accusing him of that sick joke. Why sick, I wonder? Hm it seems that it has something to do with his late wife. More accidents… First, the tiles from walls at shower-room started hitting a lot of hot, naked chicks. But they were enough lucky to go without injuries which can’t be said for some dude who got torn apart by chest press device. Investigators are furrowing their brows and probably suspecting a water boy. Meanwhile, Michael went to pick up his blinded girlfriend Laura from hospital and take her on some home cooked meal.

Seducing a blind girl is like fishing in a barrel.

After another death (black chick gets impaled by one of the lockers in locker-room) Michael decides to hire a paranormal investigator. Great, now besides  mysterious murders we are also getting supernatural element in this movie. “Just throw it on a pile”, is what I guess director Michael Fischa had said. Now,  parapsychologist Dr. Lido Moray (played by Joseph Whipp) is a completely deranged and insane man. A total lunatic!!! And he has glowing stick which is  supposed to be some sort of ghost detector! And he uses it to demonstrate psychometri! HA! Ghostbusters, eat yourself!!!

This man scares meThis man scares me!

Later that evening, at the club, Linda gets a message from Michael in which he wants to meet with her in basement. He even had put a map of basement into  message. Happy about it she goes down to the basement searching for him. But Michael is at his home, dreaming about his dead wife calling him to spend  eternity with her. Nevertheless, Linda found something in the basement. Something evil! No, not a ghost. Just tube which showered her with an acid. Dr Moray  found her using his detector. And he had a close encounter with something unholy. I guess that is the dream of every parapsychologist. I can’t say if he died a happy man afterwards. What I can say is that he died a brutal, painful and humiliating death.

Bad medicine

Time for great finale! A Mardi Gras party inside the gym. And that is where plot is going to make sense (at least to director and producers). Finally, I say  since that is over an hour after movie had started and we got no idea what is actually happening there. It turns out that the spirit of Michael’s late wife  Catherine (played by Sharri Shattuck) has taken control over the main computer and, furthermore, control over David through computer. And all because  Catherine was jealous on girls in the club instead of Laura only (it seems that our Michael is a player). So, the complete chaos and bloodshed is about to  start. A lot of dead, mutilated people. First one to die is a dude in a computer room. Next one is bartender chick killed by blender (?!), followed by death
of horny Lt. Fletcher who’s neck has been impaled by talking frozen eel (yeah, I know). Well, its not that he had somehow contributed to this case  anyway. The whole place is falling apart with guests locked inside. Many more bizarre deaths and gore, including demise of legendary Ken Foree. Eventually,  possessed David burned himself to death by holding electrical installations with his\her bare hands. Yeah, ghost burned himself to death. Now you know it is  possible. Very ending of the movie is very cheesy, showing us burned ghost still alive (“Finally, everything is ok. Or, is it?”). God, I hope no one will  make sequel.

Some party to remember

Conclusion: I resent the fact Death Spa being compared to Aerobicide, even in bad elements. This movie makes Aerobicide looks like it has no place on this  blog (and believe me, it has; both of those movies have been reviewed by yours truly). Death Spa is nothing but a 80 minutes of goofy dialogs (though, you  can’t really expect any interesting and intelligent dialogs between gay jocks and sluts), dumb special effects, and screenplay which is in same time cheesy,  incoherent (elements of supernatural, sabotaging, and demon possession have been chucked in this shitty-taste stew) and inconclusive (I already have mentioned “Or is it?” ending of the movie). Also, shameless adding a legend of horror flicks (Ken Foree) to crew just to boost the sale and then giving him a small part (not that Foree’s bigger part could have saved this disaster) can’t go unnoticed and unpunished. If this was an attempt of ripping off Aerobicide then Death Spa is the perfect example of what happens when you try to rip-off another bad ’80s slasher. In other words – DON’T DO IT!!!