From the legendary Z-movie/Porn director (and occasional pro wrestler) Fred Olen Ray comes a story of a heroic gunslinger and hot cyborgs! Enter the CYBERZONE…
The movie starts with a typical SF crawl that explains the post- 8.9 earthquake life (used also in the setup of Escape from L.A.). After some random footage of stars we go back to Earth just in time to witness a rugged, good looking bounty hunter getting almost killed. And it’s freakin’ Mark Singer- Beastmaster himself! Anyway he survives all thanks to the hidden pistol and then he puts his victims head in the bag? He is cyborg so it’s all Ok.
He naturally proceeds to the local bar (with a mutant stripper no less). Also for some reason bartender looks like a pirate. Then we meet our other protagonist/ antihero Hawk (Matteas Hues),who collaborating with a Predator (?) finds some illegally distributed Pleasure Droids.
These are the droids you are looking for!
Jack Ford (Singer) gets a job offer that takes him to the fancy upper levels of the city. There he’s informed of the terrible theft of the Pleasure Droids from one of the Jupiter’s colonies. After some back and forth he is forced to except the company of Bethany, one of the firm’s leading technicians. She doesn’t seem too happy with the pairing but you just know she’ll worm up to him eventually.They head out to the layer of a fat face- painted criminal lord (something like a human Jabba the Hutt just more pathetic). Ford gives him the cyborg head (remember the beginning) and tries to get some information out of him. Unfortunately the fat one is collaborating with a thief and all Ford gets is killers, including Droid Hunter on his ass.
Ford continues the search and visits some whorehouses to do so. Also that’s an excuse for the cute technician to dress up as a whore herself. Just as they were on their way out they get attacked by Fatso’s men and there we witness the cyber martial- arts training of Bethany (eat you heart out Matrix) and street smarts of Ford. Now the twist- it turns out the killers were in fact from New Angeles (a religious ultra- conservative mecca controlled by seemingly benevolent founder Charles Humberstone). Ford ties to find a way to smuggle them in New Angeles but unexpectedly Droid Hunter shows up and almost kills him. Thankfully Bethany knew his weak spot of his days of bounty hunting would be numbered.
Strangely, Hues is just now porting the New Angeles underwater town with pleasure Droids masked as nuns. and one of them misteriosly missing- how the hell do you wind out in a situation like that? He gets into the verbal confrontation with Charles (in fact a Crime Kingpin) over the lost Droid but he has to settle for less money. This man loves his job
That prompts Hawk/ Ford meeting in the same exact bar we already visited numerous time during the movie. Dissatisfied with his earning he strokes a deal with Ford to steel back the droids. That proves surprisingly easy because they masked the technician as the pleasure droid. Nobody saw threw their scheme until it was too late. Now being the gentlemen that he is Ford returns to save Beth too and Hawks being cool cat himself decides to help him. Pressed by superior numbers Hues heroically dies (shout out to the Western influences of this film).
“Just make sure I get my cut”
Beth and Ford return to the company to pick up the check and Bethany decides to quit having found her wild side down in the slums. And just when you think it’s all over the last Droid shows up- to help down on his luck homeless person. I have to presume that her help was greatly appreciated.
I guess he finally found his faith…
Verdict: As always Ray dosn’t have much in the financing department to show us the scope of the world but he does good with what he has and (as always) when he rans out of ideas he uses the old trick of adding some half- naked ladies in the scene.And sometimes that even works (not in the case of a mutant stripper but in other cases). Anyway this movie is one of those “what you see is why you get” kind of deals. If you wanted to see Beastmaster shooting people, Matheas Hues being kinda emotionless and heavily mascular and cool, and some slutty droids too- you’ve came to the right place. Otherwise find another dystopian future to enjoy.
People are talking about violence in schools problem since schools had been invented. Violence in schools, by my account, is as old as education itself. Over the years a lot of suggestions for solving this problem have been made. Many procedures have been implemented. And they all failed. School violence still exists and it will exist long after we are gone. But the crappiest attempt to subdue the violence has been made in this movie. To answer the violence with more violence!
On the beginning of this supposedly a sequel to the “class of 1884” we get an explanation about how far violence in school have gone until the year 1999. High school gangs are taking control over schools. Gang controlled areas are known as free fire zones. In the middle of one of these zones, in Seattle, Kennedy High is located. It is an area without law, where police do not enter and where only thing that rules is anarchy. Department of Educational Defense (created for the purpose of this movie) has decided to re-open the schools and control the gangs. With the help of Megatech (robot making guys) they send 3 new teachers to Kennedy High and it’s principal Dr Miles Longford (played by Malcolm McDowell). Well, not the teachers actually but 3 cyborgs programmed in history, chemistry, mathematics and physical education. Of course, they also come equipped with special hardware to deal with armed to the teeth gangs. To me this looks like a combination of Dolf Lundgren’s “Detention” and bad cyborgs movies. Or, to be more accurate, it looks like if someone tried to build a school and starts education system in “Mad Max”.
Tactical Education Unit
In order this experiment to work they will need some Guinea pigs. So they have released the most troubling students from jail. I wonder what makes them so sure that students will go back to school? Anyway, one of them is Cody Culp (played by Bradley Gregg, whom you might remember from the “Nightmare on Elm Street 3”). Cody wants to go straight despite objections of his friend and his younger brother Angel (played by Joshua Miller; “River’s Edge” and “Near Dark”). Well, at least they claim he is “brother” since I spent almost entire movie working out if he was really a boy! Cody arrives in school after making through free fire zone just to be there in time for chemistry class. The new chemistry teacher Ms. Connors (played by legendary Pam Grier) shows that there will be no fucking around with new members of school stuff by kicking asses of two students. Same goes with history teacher Mr. Hardin (played by John P. Ryan; “Runaway Train”), who gave a new meaning to corporal punishment term (and gave the reason why it should remain banned).
That something is wrong with robots we see when teachers started with killing undisciplined students (well thats a bit harsh). First, Mr. Hardin bashed the head of some unlucky stoner into his own locker. Then, gym teacher Mr. Bryles (played by Patrick Kilpatrick) started beating the hell out of Cody and then broke a neck of Cody’s friend Mohawk who came to the rescue. Need I to say that Mohawk was also stoned as a hell while he was attacking with gun? Anyway, creator of robots Dr. Bob Forrest (played by Stacy Keach; “The Ninth Configuration”) doesn’t find this not to be unusual and he shows no sympathy for students while he justifies actions of his creations. Not that he could do something about it since cyborgs have openly disliked the idea of being terminated.
Not the Jeffrey Combs but almost as mad as him
After teachers have killed Cody’s brother Angel (at which point I am still not sure if he is a boy, and I guess you might say he took that secret to grave) things go in an obvious and predictable direction from then on. With principal’s daughter Christie (played by Traci Lin; “Fright Night 2”) on his side Cody re-unites two gangs to wage a war against teachers. Somewhere along the way we learn that cyborgs used to work for military and that they went back on their original program hence the killing rampage they went on (shameless rip-off of “Westworld”). That’s what you get when you buy a second hand cyborgs from the US army. Mr. Hardin is even more psychotic, Pam Grier is even bigger bitch while Mr. Bryles is just plain strongman.
It seems that teenage gangs were quite well-armed those days since they had automatic weapons and bazookas (?) No one bothered to explain where they did get them. Not that at that point we were keen to search for any logic in this silly and plain stupid sci-fi horror. War is taking place on post-apocalyptic battleground around the school. Don’t miss more senseless killing, explosions and bad rip-offs. Be sure to notice Pam Grier showing us her mechanical tits a moments before she is blown up by an axe. Enjoy the art of brain drilling performed by Mr. Hardin just before his head got shredded by uzi. Street war is the time when you can show your creativity in sadism.
So the war seems to be over. Aren’t you forgetting someone? That’s right, a toughest guy has been left for the end. Mr. Bryles turned out to be quite persistent in performing discipline measures. The fight between him and Cody and Christie, despite the fact they ripped off “Terminator 2, is awfully staged with stop-motion so terrible that it makes “Nemesis” looks like an Oscar winner in special effects category. Yeah, and it ended with explosion of Mr. Bryles’ head. There is nothing more I can add here. Just plain nonsense.
Conclusion: This movie teaches us that we shouldn’t go to school unless it is the only choice. I am sure that director Mark Lester wanted to send a different message but he did everything wrong. You know, if a cast includes Malcolm McDowell, and if he is not a villain, he is not effective. The acting is bad even with a decent cast like this (I will never understand what made them to sign up for such rubbish), the soundtrack is poor (aside from the “Nine Inch Nails” track), and the plot is so unbelievably non-existent that you get the idea that the whole movie is just a cheap excuse to shoot people and blow things up. If free fire zones were out of reach even for police than what makes students go to school? A friendship? A desire for education? Ha! Obvious attempt of ripping off and mixing ‘The Warriors’, ‘Westworld’ and ‘Robocop’. And it even had failed at that! It is only good for metallers who want to recall the 1980’s battle between the glams (Blackhearts) and the goths (Razerheades).
After a shocking revelation that Matt Hannon the actor behind the Joe Marshall aka Samurai Cop is still alive (link) we finally have the official confirmation of the sequel Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance! Not only that but there’s also a chance to participate in the making of the film with Kickstarter campaign that just started. Matt Hannon (Joe Marshall) and Mark Frazer (Frank Washington) alongside Melissa Moore (Peggy) and Gerald Okamura (Okamura) reprise their roles from the original and we also get some fun addition in the form of former James Bond George Lazenby, playmate and adult actress Lexy Belle and Mindy Robinson from Pain & Gain and V/H/S/2 .
While everyone is discussing their ideal cast for female Expendables flick (something along the lines of Sigourney Weaver and Milla Jovovich) Asylum film decided to go one step beyond that. Yes, they are (almost ingeniously) ripping of a movie that hasn’t been made yet (and it won’t come out ’till 2015 at best). And I mean who needs Jolie or Jovovich when you can get Cyntia Rothrock, Vivica A. Fox (now a Asylum regular) and Brigitte Nielsen. Right?
Anyway movie looks well enough for (extremely low budget) standards of Asylum and there’s nothing wrong in checking this out while we wait for the real thing.If nothing else you have to respect the sheer audacity of those Asylum guys.
Cast of course spans several decades of female B movie stars and is rounded up by (famed stuntwoman) Zoe Bell, ex- Terminator chick and Uwe Boll’s favorite Kristanna Loken and Korean-American TV star Nicole Bilderback. Movie will be officially released August 8, and for any additional information you can visit http://www.theasylum.cc/product.php?id=257
Yeah, I bet you thought I would leave this movie alone. How can I? It has to be pinpointed as an example of how to ruin great original movie with watered down sequel. Though I have to admit that I am writing this review in top secrecy, without even letting know the rest of the Worsemovies crew. I just can’t risk spreading that info since bunch of zombie-like fans of this movie would probably annoy me with their “Why so bad? This movie good. Me smash you” ‘arguments’. But unlike my usual reviews this one will go without detailed analyzing of every scene. Partly because the most of you probably know this movie too well and partly because it really sickens me to write about it.
Somebody call P.E.T.A!
As some of you might recall Conan the Barbarian was quite a success. Director John Milius had done a pretty good job and had a vision of trilogy ending with aged Conan ruling over kingdom. Nice idea. But people from Universal studio didn’t share his views. They were seeing Arnold as a new teenage role-model and they did not like combination of violence, sex, and gore. So what did they do? They dumped Milius and brought more family-friendly action director Richard Fleischer (“20000 Leagues Under the Sea”,”The Narrow Margin”) instead. “And what is wrong with that? He is not an inexperienced director.”, some of you might say. I’ll tell you what is wrong. Everything! Do you want a list? You got it! First, he tossed away original scripts done by comic book writers Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway. I guess the script about half-naked barbarian who fights monsters and meets a lot of half-naked women wasn’t PG enough. Second, Conan gets involved in much more dialogues. And lets face it, dialogues are not what Arnold is good at. Next thing… While Milius had Arnold lose weight and practice swordsmanship so he could look like a real warrior, Fleischer did the opposite thing. Wanting to recreate the giant on the covers of the paperback Conan novels, he demanded from Arnold to bulk up as much as he can. Poor Arnold’s organism probably went into the state of shock during the time between two movies (this might be how the rumors about Arnold’s triple bypass came out in the first place). But Conan didn’t get a lot of muscles only. No, he got feelings as well. Conan now jokes and cares about other people feelings. Fleischer attempted to show us how it would be in one of the most disgusting scenes of the movie, in which Conan completely smashed (after barely one bottle of wine) tries to show how to handle a sword to one of his companions. And his companions… Don’t get me start about them. Arnie gets an idiot side-kick Malak (played by Tracey Walter) to provide comic relief. Then there is Zula (played by Grace Jones) who is some kind of demented amazon warrior. The only thing Zula does in this movie is glaring and hissing like snake at people. And the only person other than Arnold from the first movie is Mako, who plays a role of inexperienced wizard Akiro. There are others as well but more about them soon.
The plot is simple. Evil Queen Taramis (played by “queen” of sequels Sarah Douglas; Superman 2, Puppetmaster 3, Beastmaster 2) promises to revive Conan’s true love Valeria. In return he has to lead virgin Princess Jehnna (played by Olivia D’Abo -complete miscast) and her bodyguard Bombaata (played by now retired basketball player Wilt Chamberlain) on a quest to steal a magic crystal. Of course, Jehnna is the only one who can handle it. With that crystal they will be able to recover a horn that will bring deity Dagoth to life and give a huge power to Taramis. Conan agrees without much of thinking and journey begins. On that journey they face the usual array of monsters, soldiers, evil wizards, ilusions, etc… Conan is confident. He knows what he is doing. What Conan doesn’t know almost until the end is that Taramis ordered Bombaata to kill him as soon as horn is recovered. And Jehnna is going to be sacrificed to Dagoth. That’s why she needed to stay a virgin (and she did thanks to PG). As it always happen, our heroes manage to overcome every obstacle. Unlike the fight between Conan and Toth-Amon (played by Pat Roach) in a hall of mirrors, which is is well-staged, the final battle between Conan and Dagoth is ridiculous, silly garbage.
Conclusion: Is “Conan the Destroyer” watchable? Yes, for someone who knows absolutely nothing about Conan, I suppose it can be a silly sword-and-sorcery popcorn flick. For real fans of Conan this is nothing more than shameful attempt of cashing-in the success of original flick combined with general lousiness we get from the most of the sequels. The basic would even be OK if there wasn’t for retarded companions. Toning has been done drastically and without subtlety. While the fight between Conan and Toth-Amon (Pat Roach), in a hall of mirrors, is well-staged and exciting, much of the rest of the film seems flat, silly, childish and with bad humor. There aren’t many movies in this genre that are worse than “Conan the Destroyer”. Barbarian brothers? Maybe. Hawk the Slayer? For sure.
P.S. In order to show you that half-ass job was done even at production part of this movie here is a complete list of technical errors, or shortly, goofs:
-Telegraph poles visible in the opening scene -When Conan hits one of the Taramis’ guards’ rope nets with his sword it makes two swords clashing sound -When Malak asks “Why are they trying to kill us?”, Conan answers, and the same line of dialogue can be faintly heard playing again -During the fight with Man Ape it cuts to a shot of his friends behind one of the panes, and Malak says “That’s exactly what I would have done, exactly.” His lips don’t match the words at all -Just after Akiro reads the legend on the wall of the crypt regarding the woman-child with a certain mark we can see a pink star shaped mark on the swell of Jehnna’s left breast. However, earlier in the movie, when Jehnna first awakens in the castle of Toth-Amon this same area of her chest is perfectly visible but the mark is not there -When Zula is fighting Bombaata, she leaps from the saddle and throws herself on him, knocking his head-circlet off from the impact of collision. In the very next shot, Bombaata’s circlet is back on his head as he struggles with Zula. -During the opening sequences between the sword fight with Togra and Conan. You can see Togra wearing a long cape in the long shot. When they do a closeup of Togra drawing his sword, he’s not wearing the cape anymore, but when they charge at each other on horseback Togra is wearing his cape again. When the swords clash in the closeup, the cape is once again missing for the rest of the fight -Shortly before Akiro is rescued from the cannibals and joins the party there is a scene where Akiro can be seen on the last horse riding through the forest despite not having joined the party yet -When the smoke dragon carries the girl to the crystal castle she is bare foot, but when the wizard lays her down she is wearing boots -In the first shot of Conan kneeling on the ground with his sword, the shadow around him changes between shots -When Queen Taramis first speaks to Conan, the amount of blood on Conan’s sword keeps changing between shots -During the opening fight sequence Conan drops the net over Valeria’s stone altar. But a few shots later, the altar is bare and the net is nowhere to be seen -In the scene where Malak locks the stone gate by pushing the lever to the left, when the rest of the party enters the room, the lever is to the right (unlocked) again -In the first forest scene, just before they rescue Akiro, the first two camera shots shows Conan wearing a top and a cape-like fur. The next shot and on, Conan is fully topless -As the ice palace is collapsing and Conan is starting to row the boat with his companions with him, he is wearing just a loincloth, but while still rowing the boat in the middle of the lake, he is fully clothed -During the start of the fight against the temple guards, Conan throws his dagger into one of the guards. Later on when they reunite with their horses, the dagger is back in its place -In the ravine just after they get the Horn, Conan’s dagger is visible, despite being lost in a previous scene -Man Ape firstly claw-swipes and then scratches the left side of Conan’s head. Those claw and scratch marks on his face and left side of his head are visible -During the fight between Conan and Man Ape, Conan gets four bloody scratches on his arms, but there was no showing of Man Ape scratching his arms -When the ice palace is falling apart and the party is just rowing away inside still, you can see a moving crew member in the rock formation above the water. Also, in the same sequence, in the frontal shot from the back of the boat, the skull is on top of the rudder and a spike points down, in the rear shot of the party the skull is on bottom and the spike points up -During the first battle, when Conan hits the second horseman with his sword, as the man falls from his horse there is a shadow of the cameraman on the ground -While Malak falls from the waterfall there is a harness attached to his back -During his battle with Man Ape, the blue make-up used on the monster can be seen rubbing off on Conan’s body in various scenes for short periods -When Jehnna is bestowing Conan’s companions with rewards, there is no sign of damage to the room -When Malak throws his knife at Dagoth as Dagoth is trying to break Conan’s arms, a black wire can be seen on Dagoth’s arm
-When Conan repeatedly swings his sword through Man Ape, certain shadows and areas of Conan’s body and hair are invisible (allowing you to see through him) for brief periods
These are the droids you are looking for!
This man loves his job
“Just make sure I get my cut”
I guess he finally found his faith…
Worsemovies 