As you might have noticed, Tubi has been ramping up their production of genre originals and just in time for this Halloween Season. And one of the more interesting titles is the fact that they actually remade an early Jamie Lee Curtis hit Terror Train (1980).
I mean- you can’t go wrong with clowns!
Made originally as a Canadian production with Curtis fresh off the heels of Halloween (1978) Terror Train was a who-dun-it with a masked slasher on the moving train. Twist was- it was a masked party and the slasher was constantly changing his disguise. And it even had a famed magician David Copperfield in it!
Even though the movie had it’s share of super- goofy moments it’s a fun concept to revisit, and I’m for one interested to see what the new director Philippe Gagnon do with it. Movie is written by Ian Carpenter and Aron Martin of the Shudder’s Slasher fame- so they definitely have the experience in the genre.
The new leading lady is Robyn Alomar (Utopia Falls) and movie also features Tim Rozon, Max Laferriere Romy Weltman, Corteon Moore and Kenny Wong. A very Candadian cast-as it should be. Now, without any further ado here’s the trailer and let’s see what others horrors does Terror on Tubi brings us this year!
PS Movie will be out on October 21st, for those who don’t want to wait ’till Halloween!
Even though I’ve been clamoring for a new Slasher renaissance for couple of years now this news took me by surprise. Logically after 2018’s Halloween made record bank I expected some other horror franchises to rise from their graves. That turned out to be a more of a crawl as new Nightmare on the Elm Street is supposedly on the way (but still far off), Friday the 13th was tied up with legal troubles ’till just few days ago and Child’s Play’s Chucky decided to make a jump from silver screen to TV (with actually a really cool SyFy series).
With all that in mind the last Slasher I expected to return was 1984’s funny, crazy and gory The Mutilator aka Fall Break that we gleefully dissected right here on WM. But life is sometimes stranger than fiction and none other than the original creator/ co-director Buddy Cooper is back to write and direct The Mutilator 2!
Back to MUTILATE some more !
Now, how they plant to bring the antagonist back when he was chopped up in two I have no idea but things like that haven’t stopped other franchises before (Jason Goes To Hell comes to mind). As far as cast is concerned Ruth Martinez and Bill Hitchock are back, along with Terry Kiser (Friday the 13th Part VII, From a Whisper to a Scream) and Damian Maffei (The Strangers: Prey at Night, Haunt).
Movie is in full pre-production mode and they are gearing up to shoot in early 2022. We can’t wait to see how it turns out- you can never get enough of 80’s style Slashers in my book.
And for those who missed it the first time around here’s our full review again , and you can see some of the best kills right here :
Charles Laughton directed once. Shame. So did Brando. Tragedy. Presumably Rospo Pallenberg, director of this tension-free 80s “whodunnit” slasher, realized that he and talent were but distant pen pals and laid down the megaphone. Praise be! As for the movie itself, it is cheesy 80s black comedy which fails at being either of those two things.
The film opens with a paperboy delivering newspapers. A paper is delivered to Paula Carson’s (played by cute girl from Stepfather, Jill Schoelen) house. Paula is approached by her father, Bill (played by Martin Mull), who is the district attorney, on his way to a hunting trip. He warns Paula to do her homework, not to allow boys in the house, and most importantly not to cut class (as it might prove deadly). Paula then puts the newspaper in the bin, showing its headline: “Boy who killed father released from Mental Asylum.” What a time to go hunting ducks! Anyway, Bill Carson drives to the swamps for his hunting trip. As he takes shots into the air, someone is hiding nearby and holding a bow and arrows. The person calls over to Bill and fires an arrow into him. Bill cries out and then falls down to the ground, presumably dead. But more of that later.
Hunter has become the hunted
Meanwhile, Dwight Ingalls (played by Brad Pitt) shows his lousy driving skills by almost causing two car accidents on his ride to school where he gets teased by friends for not knowing what is H20. Later, after gym class, Paula walks past a set of bow and arrows and notices a leaf hanging off one of the arrow.She picks the leaf off. Clue already? Anyway, later she meets with her friend Colleen (played by Brenda James) and her boyfriend Dwight at a hot dog stand. Dwight then goes to buy Paula a hot dog, but he is beaten by Brian (played by Donovan Leich) who hands her one and says, “You had that look.” Dwight and Brian then have man to man talk. It turns out they used to be friends until Brian went to mental institution. Could Brian be that creepy kid from newspapers? My hunch tells me he just might be.
Ars gratia artis
That evening Dwight tried to score at Paula’s place but she wouldn’t give him until he improves his grades. Really odd condition. But he is not the only one who wants to score. The principal Mr. Dante (played by Roddy McDowall) seems to be perv since he invited Paula to his office in order to give her a present, which he deliberately placed on the floor so he could see her underpants from his hiding place after Paula bents over. Really nice view. Oh yes, and meanwhile someone burned art teacher in school’s clay oven, but spooky janitor will clean up that. Never mind that, lets get back to the view:
What a view
Paula starts hanging around with Brian, despite Dwight’s disapproval. Wanting to expose Brian, Dwight sneaks into the school at night together with Paula, Colleen and Gary (played by , where they find school records. It turns out that Brian is cannibal and was treated with electroshocks. But they didn’t notice Brian who is following them and hiding behind a water dispenser. Seems Brian is not the only one who like hide and seek. Tomorrow, at school basketball game Gary was hiding under retractable stands and looking under skirts. Colleen joins him just to find out she and Gary are not alone. Killer is there too and he disposes off them quickly with a knife. More blood for spooky janitor to clean.
Shot of Bill Carson staggering through the swamp takes us to next to school day. Dwight made another incident at class, Brian tried to back him up so they are both sent to vice-principal Mrs. Knocht (played by Nancy Fish) by their math teacher Mr. Glynn (played by Eric Boles). Mrs. Knocht suspends Brian for foul language and ends photocopied to death later that day. Karma, some of us would say. Meanwhile, police sends search team to local woods hoping to find missing teenagers there. One of their dogs finds Bill Carson who starts yelling at dog to get some help. Dog wouldn’t listen to him. Poor Bill can’t catch a break.
Dwight isn’t on easy street either. Coach Harris wouldn’t let him to practice archery without gym gear. They got feud there and Coach tells him to come tomorrow for private class with his gear on. Later that evening Brian sneaks into Paula’s house where he shows copy of the Mrs. Knocht murder. On the pictureyou can see ring on killer’s hand. Paula recognizes Dwight’s ring. She and Brian agree to stop him. Tomorrow, after private class with Dwight, Coach Harris decides to let some steam off on a trampoline. Our killer takes opportunity to sneak up on him and place sharp American flag under trampoline. Poor Coach didn’t suspect anything so flag thrusts him right through his ass. You might say he gave his ass for America. YEEAAAAHH!
Meanwhile, Brian and Paula are back to school to stop Dwight. Spooky janitor Shultz (played by Robert Glaudini) scares them away with his broom, while accusing Brian to be a murderer. They each run in opposite directions. Paula finds missing lovebirds in the locker. Then Dwight comes by and she starts running again. She stumbles upon Mr. Glynn, tells him Dwight is the killer and then they both hide in the science room. Doors behind them lock and the only way to get out is by solving math problem killer has left on blackboard. Mr. Grynn solves the problem and opens door number 1. Then, for no apparent reason, Brian reveals himself as a killer by yelling “Wrong door!” and chopping Mr. Glynn with an axe. Why did he do that when everyone else were suspecting Dwight is beyond me. So, the killer is the one who was the most suspicious from the very start. Seems to me they pulled Gyles here. Anyway, Brian was just about to kill Paula when Dwight shows up. Dumb as he is, Dwight ends up with his head captured between clamps so Paula had to use her girly charms, seduce Brian and finish him off with a claw hammer. On their way back they almost hit Bill Carson with the car who somehow staggered back to civilization. He asks Paula is she is cutting classes and that’s where this nightmare ends. Pretty dumb movie.
Conclusion: The basic ideas were there along with a rudimentary plot twist, they just managed to forget to add anything interesting in-between. So boring in fact, the small instances of things going on in the background became the most interesting factors. All throughout its running time, Cutting Class is careful to give both Brian and Dwight equal cause to hate most of the people who eventually turn up dead, while simultaneously serving up the expected obvious red herrings in the form of Schultz the janitor and Principal Dante. Unfortunately, however, only one member of the cast ever seems actually capable of hating someone enough to kill them, and that’s Brian. Now, when normal people make a “whodunnit” movie, they throw in some clues here and there as well as a couple of red herrings. What they don’t do is have the killer be the one person they’ve been pointing big red arrows at the previous 70 minutes. But Cutting Class does exactly that. To ‘cut’ to the chase, Cutting Class kinda sucks… A lot. It’s boring and slow and there’s very little to keep you interested until the end. The chicks are cute, the boobs are minimal, and the characters are uninteresting. I really can’t find any reason to tell you to give a watch. So give it a pass.
This film is many in a line of trash horror films. When I first read the synopsis I laughed, six teenagers going on their summer vacation. Cliche? If you are a fan of rubbish horror films then you’ll love this. so, after watching this, In my perfect world, the name Buddy Cooper would be mentioned in the same breath as other ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ geniuses like Ed Wood and Herschell Gordon Lewis. And here is why:
Like many slashers, The Mutilator begins with a fever-dreamy prologue that finds an idyllic family scene: little Ed Jr.(played by director’s son Trace Cooper) has just polished off his father’s gun collection while his mother prepares a cake for the patriarch’s birthday. When Junior gets a curious with one of the shotguns, he ends up accidentally blowing his mom away, much to his father’s dismay. Not wanting to ruin birthday celebration Ed Sr. (played by Jack Chatham) sits down next to his dead wife and has a drink with her while looking at birthday message written by his son.
Birthday and funeral at same expense
Cut takes us some 10 years forward where now older Ed Jr. (played by Matt Mitler) is discussing with his college friends what to do during fall break. Seems that they have nothing in plan when suddenly Ed receives a call from his father. Ed Sr. wants him to close up their beach condo because of incoming winter.At first, Ed Jr. didn’t want to do that since his father treated him like retard for his whole life. Hm I wonder why? The only wrong thing he did is managing to shoot his own mother from a shotgun which had safety on. So what? Big deal! Anyway, friends saw an opportunity for having a wild 4-days beach party so they convinced Ed to take them with him. So they set on the road and opening credits appear followed by some cheesy cheerful ’80s song.
Fail break
When they finally arrived to the house they found a real mess. At first they thought that someone had broken in but Ed dismissed that with explanation that his dad sometimes comes there with his drinking buddies. House itself is full of junk – beer bottles, Ed Sr.’s hunting trophies (he hunted everything but people), knives, spears, hooks and even a mask of Mayan god Chaac (I checked it, it really exists but I still find that name funny). And a picture of dead guy Ed Sr. ran over with his boat. Why would anyone keep a picture from a accident scene of guy he accidentally killed is beyond me. Anyway, little do they know that someone is hiding in their garage. And that someone is none other than Ed Sr. who keeps dreaming about killing his own son in various ways. But first he needs to take care of his friends. So, the following night he decides to take an action.
She surely can’t sink with these balloons
First he kills Linda (played by Frances Raines) and then,using her underwear as a bait, he lured Mike (played by Morey Lampley) into his hideout where killer slashed him with motorboat. Mike is one real horny dumb moron.
The rest of the crew started searching for Mike and Linda on the beach but they got afraid of possibility of lighting striking them down (no, seriously) so they returned back to the condo to play Monopoly. Real party indeed. Meanwhile, Ed Sr. just seems to be warming up. Some cop (played by Ben Moore) came to the beach to check out things and Ed Sr. first impaled his face with lever and then decapitated him with an axe. The whole scene looked like head was made of plaster cast and the killer only needed to push it off the body. See for yourself:
The gang decided that Monopoly was too boring (oh tell me about that) so they decided to play another game. Rules are simple: Who gets to be “it” gets to stay in the house with the lights turned off while all other are drinking beer outside. That person needs to hide him or herself. Then the crew from the outside start searching for hidden person. Whoever finds gets to lay down next to the person who had been hiding. Procedure is repeated until only one person remains lurking outside around the house. Seems to me like a perfect game to get you killed. This whole thing is just Ed’s “master” plan to score Pam (played by Ruth Martinez) who is apparently still a virgin and constantly rejects young Ed’s attempts to deflower her. Anyway, poor Ralph (played by Bill Hitchcock), who is main clown in the group, was the first victim of this game. Ed Sr. impaled him with pitchforks and stuck him to the doors. Ha try to make a fun out of this one, smart-ass!
Ralph’s girlfriend Sue (played by Connie Rogers) went panicking so all remaining 3 of them started a search for him. Ed was so thrilled when he found piece of female underwear that he woke up the killer from his slumber. Poor man couldn’t even get a rest after so much hard work at killing department. And as it always happens in such cheesy slashers searching party got split up. Ed Sr. took this opportunity to kidnap Sue, take her to the garage, fish her pussy with the huge fishing hook and then finish her off with an axe. Wow what a overkill.
Ed Jr. and Pam eventually find bodies in garage where they confront the killer. Wussy Ed Jr. was so freaked out that Pam had to rescue him instead of vice versa. She stabs his father with a pocket knife and transports Ed Jr. to the cars. Of course, his father just rises from the dead and attacks them. During the struggle he clings onto the rear of the car so Pam takes the opportunity to drive into the wall and cuts him in half. Funny thing is that only in that moment Ed Jr. realized who the murderer is, as he proclaimed with the crying voice “It’s my daddy”. But even being cut in half couldn’t stop Ed Sr. from making another mess. While his upper half was laying on the ground, some cop approached him and Ed Sr. used his remaining strength to cut off cop’s leg with an axe and then die with sinister laughter on his face. I really don’t see how it is possible that half of body possesses such strength to cut off someone’s leg using only one arm. But hey, this is ’80s slasher. As for his son and Pam they ended up in the hospital. It remains unclear if Ed Jr. managed to score her eventually.
Conclusion: Buddy Cooper’s “The Mutilator” is just another almost decent slasher film. Of course the acting is completely awful and the film is extremely predictable and unoriginal, but the gore effects made by Mark Shostrom are excellent. There is a bloody decapitation, a pretty good pitch forking and death by motorboat. Acting is so bad it’s good. The characters begin to get on your nerves eventually with their pole up their backside style acting, and you begin to wish for them to get killed. Which eventually happens. I think what makes this one stand out from other slashers is how little it stands out from other slashers. It sticks to the very basics of the formula without much imagination or surprises. The tweaks that it does have are noticeable but so simple that I’m not sure if it’s lazy or brilliantly subtle. But I am a negative individual so I am going to lean toward the first one.
And for all of you who enjoy cheesy ’80s soundtrack here is a treat for you:
This movie is basically Halloween meets Rosemary’s Baby meets The Exorcist produced cheaply in Hong Kong in the 80’s- so you know you’re in for a treat right away. And I know what you’re thinking- a Chinese movie without Kung Fu!? I mean even their regular horror movies from Ronny Yu‘s Bride with White Hair to Painted Skin (one of my personal favorites) have at least some sweet punching and kicking action sequences. But don’t worry: creepy atmosphere, dated synth score and some brutal slasher action pretty much make up for it. Add to that an Asian exorcism (see Ninja 3: Domination) and you’ll sure to have some fun with it.
There’s something very wrong with that lady in the corner!
After some spacey and a cheese keyboard effects movie stars in full swing. A young girl Mei-hsun Fang catches a cab rushing to a date. She even looses an umbrella in the process. If she knew what’s awaiting her she would have just stayed in bed that day. It turns out the driver was none other than brought to an abandoned building is a notorious Killer and a Rapist!
She tries her best to run away but he catches her and in one of the rare truly disturbing scenes of the films pounds her head to the pavement until she looses consciousness. Then I guess he proceeds to rape her?
Despite everything Mei- hsun somehow menages to survive. And although she is shell- shocked to the core she succeeds in identifying the criminal that assaulted her. Notice the detective Don Wong, famously a newcomer from Chuck Norris‘sSlaughter in San Francisco is present. Chinese being Chinese dispose off the assassin/ rapist in the most brutal way possible via firing squad! Unfortunately Mei’s nightmares don’t end just yet, she is plagued by nightmares of his death and soon enough she starts suspecting she is pregnant.
Now, my favorite scene in the club where Mei’s fiance takes her to cheer her up.Despite his best efforts the establishment ends up being less than respectable– coupled with the super-skinny and super–slutty female singer that screams “I’m a dragon, you’re a worm…” Seemingly unrelated scene is perhaps foreshadowing something yet to come? Nope, it turns out it’s there just for the hell of it!
She really has a way with words, does she?
Soon enough she is in the doctor’s office and she get a conformation of her pregnancy. She asks about a possibility of terminating the pregnancy but something (or someone) doesn’t want this to happen! Nurse looses her mind, seemingly possessed by evil spirits and the craziness erupts with the doctor flying out of the office window pushed by some invisible force!
Crushed by the massacre in the hospital she then tries desperately to abort by falling down the stairs. That could have proved fatal in more ways than one but they both manage to survive. The only thing she succeeds in is having a baby a month prematurely! So yeah, she fails completely. Also, the doctors accept the fact that she slipped and fell way to easily but I guess they don’t have time for suicidal looneys like her in a busy Hong Kong.
Mei-hsun’s husband, the nanny and her slutty friend (everybody’s got one) all believe that the little boy is cute as it gets but the baby is in fact supernatural… and when no one is around it uses opportunities to troll and torture his mother (PS you can even hear straight lift of The Exorcist music at this point). After a while despite the best efforts by the director Richard Chen her paralyzing fear of her own child becomes increasingly amusing to the audience.
I mean when she ignores the child she ends up looking like a bitch and when she tries to bite the bullet and take care of him, he completely destroys her mentally. Poor lady can’t catch a break!
She’s having a fight with her newborn child… and she’s loosing.
Now, the time has come, she finally has to face her demonic baby. Her nanny overhears her and informs her of a temple where she can exorcise her child, if she believes in that sort of stuff. There’s a temple specialized for child exorcism? Man, those Chinese leave nothing to chance– and who knows, maybe we’re not exorcising kids often enough here in Europe. In the meantime her muchmore carefree friend decided to dump her old reliant boyfriend and get engaged with a musician. As we know those things never really work out.
I love the way Abbot exorcises the demon with a sword in his hand!
Now free from the child the evil spirit of the Slasher returns to his original form (I don’t know how that works but it does), and of course sets out to complete his revenge. He starts from the poor nanny, the only death I kinda feel sorry about. Also Mei-hsun’s slutty friend drops by in the worst possible time, and to top it off she starts taking her clothes off– literally signing her death sentence. Slasherheeds her call and cuts one of her arteries, but instead of letting her bleed out he strangles her and crushes her head!Man, that’s brutal! Bodycount keeps rising as a friend’s boring suitor gets there too, just to be brutallyimpaled on the knife.
It’s too late to take your top now- you’re already dead!
The Slasher than gets to Mei-hsun, but she somehow manages to grab the child and escape. He keeps chasing her but she succeeds in staying alive long enough for her husband and the police officer Don Wong to arrive and they finally destroy the monster with the combination of holly wine and lots of bullets too (better safe than sorry).
Verdict: This movie actually has some super- interesting themes for horror like fear of the pregnancy and post- natal depression and I can help by to wonder how it would look if those themes were actually seriously explored. Instead, we get a lot of cheaply recycled scenes from the more established Horror franchises, sometimes even pretty badly stitched together but it still doesn’t fail to entertain so you have to at least give ’em that.
Director Ed Hunt had had nice idea here. He had tried to explore (and exploit for that matter) one of the deepest fears of human kind – children. He probably knew that deep in our conscience we are terrified by even a slight possibility of something so pure and innocent can be evil. Unfortunately for him, at the end it was only idea with poor realization.
The beginning of this movie takes us back to June 9, 1970. Location: Maternity Ward in Meadowvale, California. We see an old doctor (played by Jose Ferrer) preparing to deliver babies of 3 women. He seems happy to do it despite the fact he is going to miss solar eclipse which started happening right in that moment. During that eclipse 3 babies were born; two boys and one girl. After that, fast forward to June 1, 1980. Two young people are expressing their love on the local cemetery. As a highlight of this romantic act guy takes the girl into open grave where he intends to bone her. No such luck since he took 2 hits to his noodle with shovel when he stood up to check up some noise he was hearing. Girl wasn’t spared either as she ended up strangled with something that looks like a shoelace to me (though in the later scene Sherriff claimed it was a skipping rope). Guy went back on his feet and tried to save her but BAM… another hit of shovel finished him off. At least they died hugging each other and buried together. What will the real owner of the grave say when he finds intruders at his resting place?
Later that night the 10 years old boy Timmy (played by K.C. Martel) sneaks into his house through the window. His sister Joyce (played by Lori Lethin) notices him but she didn’t find anything suspicions about that or his excuse of going out to feed a dog. No surprise there though, since she is into some astrological mumbo jumbo. Anyway, the next day Sherriff came by to school asking questions about last night murder. Why did him come to interrogate a bunch of 10 years old kids about some gruesome murder is beyond my reach. Oh yes, he found the part of a skipping rope. Yup it makes sense, when you think about it. That item surely couldn’t have gotten there earlier than previous night. 3 of them in the class seemed to knew something about that. The very same 3 who asked the teacher if their entire class could be excused from homework since they are having birthdays next week. The teacher cooled off them with words “Just because you are all having the same birthday doesn’t mean you are special”. No argue with that. Kids took it seemingly pretty well and went home. There, the girl Debbie (played by Elizabeth Hoy) shows an outstanding talent for pimping since she charges a quarter to Steven (played by Andrew Freeman) and Curtis (played by Billy Jayne, who you might be remembering from “Charmed” TV series) for watching her slutty sister Beverly (played by Julie Brown) through a peephole while changing her clothes. This scene sends loud and clear message that even women are encouraging pimping and prostitution overall (which is not shocking at all when you think about it).
Peep hole is for peeping
Any suspense about who is killer (if there were any) was cleared out 20 minutes after movie started when Debbie and her companions killed Debbie’s father Sherriff James (played by Bert Kramer) with a baseball bat in broad daylight in front of his very own house! No time like a present, I would say. Explanation was that he died by walking onto skateboard on stairs. Why no one tried to explain bruises from baseball bat? Also, that is a moment when every logic of film-making went downhill and over the cliff, falling into humiliating death. The following scene proves my words because it shows James’ funeral which took place the very same day when he was murdered. If you look closer, you can spot young Michael Dudikoff among mourners who plays Beverly’s boyfriend Willard.
Spot a ninja
Timmy saw them standing around Sherriff’s corpse which makes him the next target. Under the excuse of play-date (man this word sounds so pathetic). Curtis lures Timmy into the junkyard where he locks him up inside old fridge. After a bit of struggling Timmy manages to escape such death box (or cold grave if you will have it). He runs home and tells everything to Joyce but she wouldn’t believe him (well duh), including his confession about peeping through peephole at Debbie’s home the night of the murder. Meanwhile, Debbie and her gang are making a scrapbook of death. Another entry is going to be made. Yup, they are planning to kill their teacher Miss Davis (played by Susan Strasberg). So they steal late Sherriff’s revolver later that night. The very day next Curtis walks into teacher’s house and shoots her in cold blood. Of course, this happens in the middle of the day as well. I guess classmate are going to be excused from homework after all and none is wiser. Well, almost none. Joyce, who is teacher’s assistant, finds her dead and runs away to her home. There she finds a note from Timmy stuck onto front door in which he states that he went playing at the junkyard. But he promised he wouldn’t go there anymore! At this point it is clear even to the dumbest among you dear readers of this review that this was just a set up. And you are right! The moment Joyce had arrived at the junkyard, Steven and Curtis (dressed as a members of Ku Klux Klan for some reason) started chasing her in some old car in attempt to run over her dumb ass. As it always happens, Joyce manages to save herself by climbing onto big pile of junk, leaving two boys to crash into it. Police came up quickly but Steven and Curtis had already escaped. So still no one suspects them.
Seems that explanation for their evil behavior lies in astrology. Joyce explained to Timmy that because they were born during the eclipse they lack conscience. How’s that, you might ask? Simple. Saturn was blocked during the eclipse and, like we all know, Saturn controls emotions. It is a scientific fact. It’s not the children to blame for. It is those damn planets moving around in their stupid orbits. As confirmation of Joyce’s words, Curtis shoots another young couple who were trying to have sex at the back of their van. In front of his house! Fit penalty for public display. Of course, no one has been woke up by gunshots from this mighty revolver so another funeral takes the place. They sure like funerals.
No public sex, kids might be watching
It is a party time! All 3 of them are celebrating their birthdays together. One of the guests was a bit shaken by recent deaths but otherwise it is very cheerful there. Cakes are ready, looking delicious…But with one secret ingredient! Ant poison! Or it would have been if Joyce haven’t had bumped onto Curtis while he was trying to spice up the cake. She made a scene, but no one would believe her. She better have kept her mouth shut. She stopped mass poisoning. Let’s all bid Joyce a warm welcome to the hit list. But first things first. Beverly had found Debbie’s scrapbook of death. Instead to take that evidence to the police (though she did show it to her mother, who just ignored it), or at least become a bit worried about her little sister’s mental health, dumb slut burned the only evidence in fireplace. Well, not the only one. Beverly is now the only one who can link them to murders. Of course, Debbie wouldn’t miss the opportunity to remove this threat so she took care of her older sister by using a bow and arrow through peephole. Though, after this move, the only thing Debbie can do is to hang “Out of business” sign.
Now the mystery starts to unfold. Picture of Joyce is the first entry in new scrapbook of death thus making her to be officially on the blacklist. All cards are on the table. Debbie, Steven and Curtis are openly trying to kill Joyce and Timmy wherever and whenever they can. After some chasing and gunning scenes, Steven is subdued when a bowl of water is thrown in his face, while Curtis simply runs out of bullets and gets beaten up. Only Debbie uses her brain to escape , and her mother (head still firmly inserted into her own backside) sneaks her away and flees town with her. The movie’s ending reveals that mom and daughter remain at large under different identity and that Debbie has claimed another victim, thus setting the stage for a sequel, which fortunately never
happened.
Conclusion: As I have it understood, message of this movie is following: Anyone, who has been born the same day as anyone else, is evil. And that’s not the biggest problem here. Bigger problems are executioners, who are undoubtedly the least imposing genre villains ever presented. One them possess the inhuman ability to fire a handgun that weights as much as he does. The clumsy staging of the murders is signaled from the opening scene (graveyard lovers), and blatantly lifted music from “Friday the 13th” just adds it’s contribution to negative score, save for the few sequences of nudity. Also, if you are going to put “Blood” in the title, you should probably put some in the movie too. Only a single arrow to the eye gag even registers a blip on the gore meter. Still, I find this atrocious movie worth watching because, deep inside me, I am just one bloodthirsty kid as well.
When I first time heard of this movie it immediately reminded me on Aerobicide. Unfortunately, unlike the previously mentioned jewel of AIP production (Prior brothers), Death Spa is not as funny and interesting but only much worse. Though, truth to be told, there are a lot of dumb, retarded, gay jocks and empty-headed bimbos in Death Spa as well.
The movie starts with the lighting striking gym’s neon sign “Starbody Health Spa” (possibly the worst name ever), after which remaining working letters create “Death Spa”. Oooh that can’t be good. Inside the gym hottie Laura (played by Brenda Bakke) is dancing and cleaning windows with her ass. She is alone there. Or is she? One of the trainers there, Marvin (played by horror movies veteran Ken Foree) approached and informed her that closing time is near and Laura is the only one left. So she decides to take quick relaxing in sauna. Now, I forgot to mention that the whole facility is top-notch and completely controlled by computer. But computers make mistake too. Poor Laura is about to discover that when she, by mischief, gets locked inside sauna and things start to get really hot inside. It seems that computer has been putting a lot of poison gas inside. With her last atoms of strength Laura manages to break a small window on sauna’s doors.
Let off some steam, Laura!
Who might have done it? Apart Marvin, two more persons have been there. Owner of the club Michael (played by William Bumiller) and David (played by Merrit Butrick) who is main programmer and Michael’s brother-in-law. Well, an ex brother-in-law since his sister and Michael’s wife is dead. This mystery will try to solve funny Lt. Fletcher (played by Frank McCarthy) and his associate, lovely Sgt. Stone (played by Rosalind Cash). Following morning both of them are at the club, going past the above mentioned gay jocks and dumb bimbos, interrogating both Michael and David afterwards. Meanwhile, accidents are just waiting to happen. Apparently, someone has been messing with diving board. Actually, someone got loose bolts on diving board which almost killed some girl who was trying to jump into the pool. All of this seems to puts a lot of pressure onto Michael’s shoulders since he dreams about wheelchairs in flame almost every night. I must admit that that detail got my attention…for about 5 seconds! WTH burning wheelchairs from hell has to do with health spa??? I guess I am going to get an answer on that question. Though, I believe that an answer is not going to make much sense. Anyway, back to spa now. I notice that enormous
number of homosexuals with muscles is attending gym. Well, I hardly find it surprising. It was truth back then same as now days. Michael really freaks out when he finds a bird nest in his office. He runs to David accusing him of that sick joke. Why sick, I wonder? Hm it seems that it has something to do with his late wife. More accidents… First, the tiles from walls at shower-room started hitting a lot of hot, naked chicks. But they were enough lucky to go without injuries which can’t be said for some dude who got torn apart by chest press device. Investigators are furrowing their brows and probably suspecting a water boy. Meanwhile, Michael went to pick up his blinded girlfriend Laura from hospital and take her on some home cooked meal.
Seducing a blind girl is like fishing in a barrel.
After another death (black chick gets impaled by one of the lockers in locker-room) Michael decides to hire a paranormal investigator. Great, now besides mysterious murders we are also getting supernatural element in this movie. “Just throw it on a pile”, is what I guess director Michael Fischa had said. Now, parapsychologist Dr. Lido Moray (played by Joseph Whipp) is a completely deranged and insane man. A total lunatic!!! And he has glowing stick which is supposed to be some sort of ghost detector! And he uses it to demonstrate psychometri! HA! Ghostbusters, eat yourself!!!
This man scares me!
Later that evening, at the club, Linda gets a message from Michael in which he wants to meet with her in basement. He even had put a map of basement into message. Happy about it she goes down to the basement searching for him. But Michael is at his home, dreaming about his dead wife calling him to spend eternity with her. Nevertheless, Linda found something in the basement. Something evil! No, not a ghost. Just tube which showered her with an acid. Dr Moray found her using his detector. And he had a close encounter with something unholy. I guess that is the dream of every parapsychologist. I can’t say if he died a happy man afterwards. What I can say is that he died a brutal, painful and humiliating death.
Bad medicine
Time for great finale! A Mardi Gras party inside the gym. And that is where plot is going to make sense (at least to director and producers). Finally, I say since that is over an hour after movie had started and we got no idea what is actually happening there. It turns out that the spirit of Michael’s late wife Catherine (played by Sharri Shattuck) has taken control over the main computer and, furthermore, control over David through computer. And all because Catherine was jealous on girls in the club instead of Laura only (it seems that our Michael is a player). So, the complete chaos and bloodshed is about to start. A lot of dead, mutilated people. First one to die is a dude in a computer room. Next one is bartender chick killed by blender (?!), followed by death
of horny Lt. Fletcher who’s neck has been impaled by talking frozen eel (yeah, I know). Well, its not that he had somehow contributed to this case anyway. The whole place is falling apart with guests locked inside. Many more bizarre deaths and gore, including demise of legendary Ken Foree. Eventually, possessed David burned himself to death by holding electrical installations with his\her bare hands. Yeah, ghost burned himself to death. Now you know it is possible. Very ending of the movie is very cheesy, showing us burned ghost still alive (“Finally, everything is ok. Or, is it?”). God, I hope no one will make sequel.
Some party to remember
Conclusion: I resent the fact Death Spa being compared to Aerobicide, even in bad elements. This movie makes Aerobicide looks like it has no place on this blog (and believe me, it has; both of those movies have been reviewed by yours truly). Death Spa is nothing but a 80 minutes of goofy dialogs (though, you can’t really expect any interesting and intelligent dialogs between gay jocks and sluts), dumb special effects, and screenplay which is in same time cheesy, incoherent (elements of supernatural, sabotaging, and demon possession have been chucked in this shitty-taste stew) and inconclusive (I already have mentioned “Or is it?” ending of the movie). Also, shameless adding a legend of horror flicks (Ken Foree) to crew just to boost the sale and then giving him a small part (not that Foree’s bigger part could have saved this disaster) can’t go unnoticed and unpunished. If this was an attempt of ripping off Aerobicide then Death Spa is the perfect example of what happens when you try to rip-off another bad ’80s slasher. In other words – DON’T DO IT!!!
Film starts with music from Halloween mixed up with a dance beat. Very disturbing. We see one hot chick preparing for getting a color in solarium. She puts her clothes off, lays inside the device and starts working her tan. Suddenly, device gets closed like a clam trapping her inside! Big fire starts inside the chamber (?!) and solarium becomes a crematorium!!! Result of that is one really HOT chick!!! Next scene is instantly switching us to the “Rhonda’s workout”. That’s the name of the place where accident had happened. Actually, it was “Second Sun” tanning salon and fried chick named Valerie was it’s owner. Rhonda turned out to be her twin sister (that’s a surprise) who took over a place 5 years later in order to make fitness salon.
A lot of good looking girls (and one fat guy) are inside doing something that looks like erotic aerobic (or some retarded MTV video for that matter). But the main girl (Jaimy) is late. She is fitness instructor. We see her leaving her car in a hurry on a parking lot. In haste she drops her purse, having spilled enough condoms for entire army which clearly shows us that she is a slut. She went straight to Rhonda passing by some big-muscles-small-brain guy (Tom) who was trying to hit on her. Rhonda was really pissed off by the fact that she had to hold Jaimy’s class instead of doing her business books.
Moment after, we are under showers where handsome black chick (Rachael) is washing herself. But someone is sneaking around. Who could it be? Horny Tom who is hitting on every girl that passes by? Who knows? One thing is for sure – she is going to die!!!The very same moment she turned her face away from the wall she got stroked by very large safety pin!!! Yeah, you heard it well – SAFETY PIN!!!Killer must be the surgeon or something since he managed to hit same neck vein with every fucking swing of safety pin. Rachael bleeds to death and that’s the end of her workout. Couple of minutes later Jaimy is coming to locker room. She hears knocking in one of the lockers. She opens it and false severed arm pops out. Someone tried to make a prank. Angered Jaimy shot a locker doors hard. Now nearby locker gets opened and inside it there is one big black naked corpse. Yeah, that’s the girl from the showers. Jaimy starts screaming and that’s the end of the first chapter.
The murder weapon
Now it’s a time to meet Lt. Morgan, clumsy detective who works on this case. Morgan is sniffing around locker room while paramedics are putting corpse in big white plastic bag (I thought that black one is more traditional, but never-mind that now). It seems that he had found some clue. On the way out he falls on false severed arm prank too. Lt Morgan enters Rhonda’s office to ask her and Jaimy couple of questions. During that time he presented us his sick sense of humor by making a remark that Rachael ain’t pretty no more.
If you see this arm then you are about to discover a corpse
Despite the murder gym is still full of girls who are working out like nothing had ever happened. Jaimy is with them this time . She isn’t late today but that doesn’t matter to Rhonda who gives her a lesson during the class. What a bitch!!! But Rhonda is not without her worries too. She finds another big-muscles-small-brain guy sniffing around her office. That guy is no one else than Ted Prior (Chuck) himself!!! He was sent by Rhonda’s senior partner from San Diego to make sure everything is fine. Rhonda doesn’t look too happy about that. Now back to Chuck. Leaving Rhonda to cool off he went to take out the trash while wearing a tight shorts (Trash dumping in tight pants seems to be some kind of Ted Prior’s trademark) and almost got run over by third big-muscles-no-brain dude named Jimmy. After brief conversation and Jimmy’s warnings to stay away from Rhonda they decided to engage a pretty gay fight. Two guys with big muscles slapping each other like two school-girls is something both funny and disgusting in same time, especially when more mutated disco runs in background. Entire fight was watched by Debbie, a really hot chick who decided to bring the winner home with her. Winner happened to be Chuck and he enjoyed plowing her in the later scene.
Gay Fight!
Meanwhile, at Rhonda’s workout is a real party. Still not bothered by recent murders, chicks are working out and having fun. Jimmy watches them with while they are sweating and rocking even more sexual poses. Eventually, the ugliest one of them approaches and starts flirting with him. Of course, Jimmy rejects her in a very cool way, leaving her on edge of crying out loud (I am sure she has a name but I didn’t bother remembering it). Later that night, we are in her apartment. Maybe Jimmy changed his mind so we are about to see some action? But no, large safety pin strikes again!!! Only one poke was enough for ugly chick to die with the most ridiculous expression on her face. On the other side, Lt. Morgan was bashing her door (I absolutely have no idea how detective deduced that ugly chick is going to be the next victim). During that bashing, killer escaped through the window on the second floor without even a scratch!!! After getting job done, killer went back to his hideout to wash his safety pin like any other sane person would do. If you think that’s the end of the night you are wrong. DEADLY WRONG!!! Probably finding that death is funny thing, two chicks and some random guy (all 3 members of Rhonda’s workout) sprayed front glass of the gym with words “Aerobicide” and “Death Spa”. Killer must have been pissed off by such vandalism (most probably because he hates crime) and decided to teach them some manners. First one to die was Curtis (the random guy) and he got slaughtered while he was going home with clean large safety pin. Blood was everywhere. For next two victims the killer had decided to upgrade his weapon. Now he is using a knife!!! First girl got her throat slitted while she was standing alone in dark alley, for no apparent reason. Second girl (and 3rd member of vandals) discovered Curtis’s body, started screaming and even reached her car. Like it always happens in such cases car wouldn’t start and killer got her too.
Vandalism is punishable by death!
Following day we see full gym of chicks cheerfully dancing while paramedics are taking off more corpses in background. At male side of gym we see another random guy lifting weights. He gets knocked out by pipe he was lifting. While he lays knocked out killer came in and killed him with one of weights.Couple of minutes later his body has been discovered by his friend who got his brain impaled with killer’s trusty old large safety pin.Death is imminent!!! And all this massacre in broad daylight, with full gym and Ted Prior washing locker room just a couple of meters away!!! And no one noticed anything. At least until the moment when Jaimy came in and started screaming. Chuck heard screams and entered the room with haste. There he found two bodies and Tom (who appeared from nowhere) standing over them. For no apparent reason Ted Prior started with beating Tom!!! Couple of moments later cop had arrived with Lt Morgan leading them. Tom is now in locker room. Suddenly, Jaimy approaches him and soon after we get sex scene. But no ordinary sex scene!!! You see, while Jaimy was on top of him, Tom saw another Tom approaching from behind her and slitting her throat. Then Tom the Killer raised Tom the Plower in order to slaughter him too. A second before that happened Tom got awaken by Lt Morgan. They had brief conversation and detective goes out. 5 seconds after we see close scene of safety pin killing rather large Tom after only one hit???!!! That got to be very special safety pin. Someone called for paramedics again and more bodies had been put into white plastic bags. They are quite busy these days. Girls still aren’t bothered by massive death toll of their fellow gym members nor by often presence of paramedics and their plastic bags.
… and they never seem to stop
After dozen of kills Chuck finally starts to suspect something. Later that night he tries to sneak into Rhonda’s house. There he encounters her trusty watchdog Jimmy and we got ourselves another gay fight. Only this time they use weapons. Jimmy got himself a nice rakes and guess which weapon Ted Prior used? That’s right, a trash can!!!That thing marked his acting career. Hilarious fight ended up with Chuck diving into pool located in the Rhonda’s backyard. Next scene takes us to Rhonda’s house, where we can see beaten up Chuck on couch, Rhonda, Jimmy and Lt. Morgan who had just come by for no reason at all. It turns out that Chuck was sent by Rhonda’s partner to spy on her. In the light of new facts, detective orders Chuck to leave town and return to San Diego. Same night, but we are back to Rhonda’s workout. Some blond was walking through crime scene in the middle of night like many sane people would do. Suddenly she discovers body of Jaimy, hanging on a rope with her neck slitted. Why would anyone bothered to hang a person who’s neck was previously slitted or vice versa is beyond me. Anyway, a young cop came by and discovered now both Jamiy’s and blonde’s bodies. They haven’t even shown us how blond had died!!!
Paramedics now don’t even bother to leave a place. They just put corpses into bags and throw them onto pile, while waiting for more victims to come. Chicks are now dancing with the “Working out till you die – Aerobicide” song. Right song for right moment it seems. Chuck decided that he had it enough and starts going back to San Diego by foot!!! But Jimmy runs him over with a car and that’s the end of Ted Prior!!! We are thrilled by that fact!!!
Now we are near closing scene. We clearly see detective’s hand ringing the bell of some house. In house there is one bald head with burned up skin in front of mirror. That person takes the wig and puts it onto head. The ring is heard again and person shows us face. It’s Rhonda!!! What a turnover, isn’t it? Lt. Morgan finally realized everything despite the lack of evidences or clues. It turned out that Rhonda and Valerie are same persons. Valerie got her name legally changed. That still doesn’t mean she is killer but Lt. Morgan doesn’t have problems with that. He decides to arrest her despite the fact that he got nothing, He only assumed that Valerie was killing girls because she were jealous on their good looks and bodies. And the fact they can have sex with men unlike her. Detective puts her handcuffs. While taking her to car he got a call in which he has been informed that Jimmy had killed Chuck. He immediately frees Rhonda. After some chasing on construction Jimmy manages to kill detective using only one uppercut and one kick to face.
During one of his night walks through gym, Jimmy enters the locker room and sees Rhonda completely naked, as well as her burned up head, tits and back. The moment she noticed him, she takes revolver from one of the lockers and shoots him. Now she got rid of all possible links to her.
But she only thinks that. Lt. Morgan is still alive!!! Tough old dog!!! We see them next day in a forest. It seems that he forced Rhonda to come with him. He has shovel with him too. After telling her sad story about how his father (also a cop) had died he announced that he know that she is a real killer and that she has to be punished for her crimes. But moment of Morgan’s lack of concentration Rhonda used to hit him with a shovel. Now he is definitely dead!!!
Rhonda regained back her customers after murders were over (not that customers have ever left). All the murders have been pined up (hm “pined up”…that’s a funny word) to unlucky Jimmy. As new girls comes and fill her gym, she looks at her safety pin with a devilish smile.
Verdict: If you think that we are done with Prior brothers then you are badly mistaken. This is just the beginning. Experience we had while watching this movie taught us that there aren’t many things which are more funny than when someone, who probably have never seen real movie, fails even at making a lo-fi slasher.But I’ll admit one thing to David A Prior: for ’80-es he had managed to find several quite hot and good looking chicks. As we all know, ’80-es chicks were disaster at best.
Worsemovies 