Posts Tagged ‘SF’

Unfortunately, we did have to wait a while (more than four years) but the third installation of Killgar and Hogstrong adventures is finally available on Newgrounds https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/724905

Harry Partridge already launched a Patrion in hope of finishing episodes 4 and 5. You can find that here:  https://www.patreon.com/harrypartridge

 

 

 

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To conclude our pretty sweet Post- Apocalyptic month we have a special treat for you. Preview for After The Harvest, a new gem of B movie film-making that we can all look forward to. And it features some legends of the Action and SF cinema like the Renegade himself Lorenzo Lamas, Martina Sirtis (Star Trek) and the main man Vernon Wells (Mad Max 2: Road Warrior, Commando)!

after-the-harvest-4  You all know what this means- we’re gonna see Wells ride the motorcycle again!

Enjoy the preview and tell us what you think!

For more information proceed to the official page right here.  http://www.aftertheharvestmovie.com

transmorphers_2007

Warning: The robots in this movie look nothing like the one on the cover!

First thing we notice as the movie starts is that the director is Leign Scott (I presume he is the Asylum version of Ridley Scott although as we will soon find out his shooting style is much more reminiscent of Edward J Wood.)

Do you really wish to continue after this intro?

Intro informs us of evil alien machines in plot that seems to borrow heavily from (surprisingly) Terminator and Matrix with a hint of the expected source of inspiration-
Michael Bay’s Transformers. Decimated humanity escapes underground and stays there for 300 (or 400, it constantly changes) years!!! It will be interesting to see how we evolved and muted in those conditions. And then I get my answer- humanity now consists of 70% woman population, all clad in heavy leather and fetish wear. They look like a deranged bunch of sex predators. On the other hand man look like a bunch of pathetic nerds, but they still do manly jobs as we see as they lead the troops to the surface to deal with a approaching treat. Team lead by Captain Blackthorn survives a complete disaster pretty much as we expected and never makes it back. One of the soldiers dies seemingly from bad techno music, ’cause we don’t see anything else around.

So, military officers decide to make a final, desperate gamble… they release The MITCHELL from his cryogenic prison. Now what’s the deal with the Mitchell dude, I guess we will find out. They unfreeze the dude and he ends up being just some random scrawny looking fellow with  a would be British accent.

Transmorphers.2007.PROPER.DVDRip.XviD-VoMiT.[FilmsBT.com][(029042)21-37-28]

Who needs John Connor when you’ve got… THIS dude!

He insists on bringing his bearded friend from prison too and soon they are assigned with a dangerous mission.Oh, yeah we also find out that love of his life Kadira decided to start playing for the other team and married Lady- General Van Ryberg. Guess the lack of real man down there had taken its toll. After some pathetic demonstration of hand to hand combat debriefing starts… and then it seemingly lasts forever. The only thing that breaks the horrible monotony is the ridiculous chick-fight that ensues between  pilots who supports Mithcell, lead by Xandria Lux and  sluts who likes chilling in a cave and not doing anything (pilots who dislike the sky, well, that’s first). At this point I start to wander are these women real actresses or somebody just sold us a porno without sex scenes, ’cause it looks mightily like just that.

I truly don’t know what’s worst here, “acting” of “fights”

Somewhere around the 40th minute of the film we  finally see the surface again, and that makes it better- but only slightly ’cause we are served with some pretty lame CGI straight from a get go and the acting looks incredibly like a bunch of 5 year olds playing war (with some keyboard sound effects added as a bonus).  After being overwhelmed one of the soldiers throws laser frisby  and starts completely wrecking things. The most laughs erupt at the sight of the giant mecha styled robot who has transform itself into a cannon so he can fire at human forces. The idea is nonsensical but the design work and animation are not that much better thou. Then Mitchell runs into the remaining members of the first team from the beginning of the movie, still lead by chubby blonde dude and they decide to join forces. They hold their line against the giant robots as long as they can and eventually menage to retreat.

Faced with imminent defeat Mitchell calls for another attack but gets into fight (of words) with a General Van Ryberg  because he left her “wife” on the surface. Interesting how they just keep insisting on that marriage but that same wife seems ready and willing to hop back into Mitchell’s bed any moment. In the meantime the scientist, Dr. Alextzavich uncovers the terrible truth- the alien robots are in fact – THE ALIENS!!!

Transmorphers.2007.PROPER.DVDRip.XviD-VoMiT.[FilmsBT.com][(079568)22-35-37]

Just like a Kinder Surprise!

 Special breed that he calls Transmorphers (for no reason- they don’t transform or morph) are in fact meat on the inside aka some sort of cybernetic organism. The fact that they haven’t  figured it out in 400 years shows that humanity is ovbiasly useless and doomed from the start. Also, another thing- this fact doesn’t really change anything ’cause there’s really no difference in fighting a mostly robot cyborg and regular robot per se. Also, one more revelation occurs, Mitchell is also a robot!!!! He is the first android made by the good Dock in hope of saving humanity-and he never had a clue! Not even when he found out cryo- sleep doesn’t work on him? Maybe a fact that he never had to eat? No? Somebody here has no knowledge of a dramatic structure, and severely lacks common sense, don’t you agree?

Mitchell incredibly quickly reconciles with his true nature and instead of deciding that he was used and he needs to kill some humans and then joins his true brothers  (that would truly be a twist)  he decides to sacrifice his main power cell (battery, whatever) and in doing so sacrifice himself in one final attempt do defeat machines. Another childish battle ensues with the addition of poorly animated aeroplanes this time. In fact the aerial battle looks incredibly like arcade video games from the early 90s.  Mithchell with Kadira, Doctor and his Android (lover?) flying on hower- bikes find a way into the Machine’s main tower (that is incredibly easy to locate). He then procides to kill some of the robo- guards and use his power cell to disrupt their main tower and in … turn off the machines. Of course we also had a touching scene between a Karina Nadir and himself in which they professed their eternal love to each other but that didn’t stop her from returning to her superior officer and lesbian lover mere moments later. Then we finally see sky clearing (like in Lion King or something like that) and we have our victory. Than we are presented with the criminally weak CGI attempt of fireworks and an ugly blond with her mouth wide open staring at the sky and then thankfully it is all over!* This was really a test, I tell you.

Transmorphers.2007.PROPER.DVDRip.XviD-VoMiT.[FilmsBT.com].avi_004925884

Damn, she’s ugly!

Verdict: the ultimate battle between a man and a machine ends up being anything but ultimate and by the end of the movie you’ll just pray that somebody destroys both humans and machines ASAP so we can all get on with our lives and never speak of this movie again.

 

We already talked about this one when we reviewed the original Nemesis film waaaaaay back but we finally have some concrete news… and they are not really promising. Or they are really promising if you want it reviewed on this page in the foreseeable future.

Anyway it seems that Albert Pyun failed to bring some of the old “stars” of his two franchises, namely Van Damme and Olivier Grunner.  He also failed to bring ‘roided female MMA star Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos and (I must admit an interesting choice that makes a lot of sense) Van Damme’s daughter Bianca Bree (aka Bianca Van Varenberg aka Bianca Van Damme) . It seems that all the weight is planted firmly on the shoulders of a newcomer and a lead actress a 16 year old Joei Fulco and in the MMA fighters crossover department we’re left with Kim Couture, 3rd rate fighter famous mostly for being an ex- wife of 5 time UFC Champion Randy “The Natural” Couture. The rest of the cast are Pyun regulars like Michael Pare (he’s really fallen on hard times did he?), Kevin Sorbo (the less said about his career- the better) and Sasha Mitchell.

Pyun predicts that Fulco will end up being a great star and for his (and everybody’s ) sake I hope he’s right ’cause without a charismatic lead this cheap, lo- fi SF action flick could easily end up being a complete train-wreck. Just behold insecure camera work and sub- par CGI bellow (coupled with a strange, STRANGE soundtrack choice).

Info via  http://www.dreadcentral.com

ZARDOZ is an unexplainable film by the legendary director John Boorman (Hope and Glory, Excalibur). Yes, even though we’re talking about 70es no amounts of LSD can justify the existence of this movie! After retiring the famed agent 007 Sean Connery decided to broaden his specter as an actor- all fair and square. He stared his post-Bond career with a hard hitting police drama The Offense, and then his further artistic explorations led him to…  THIS?!

DAMN!

In the year of 2293, a post-apocalyptic Earth is inhabited mostly by the Brutals, who are ruled by the secret clan of  Eternals. Eternals use special class of Brutals, called the Exterminators, as their enforcers.The Exterminators worship their god Zardoz, a huge, flying, stone head.

Can’t argue with that.

Zed (Sean Connery), an Exterminator, apparently bored from constant raping and killing finds a way to hide within the Zardoz’s head. How he got that idea is beyond me. He shoots  and kills pilot of a giant head. It seems that Eternals are not really that eternal after all. The Zardoz head with Zed inside returns to a secret community of civilized beings called Vortex. Once in Vortex he is found and detained by two ladies (Consuella and May) using their psychic powers of course. After reading his mind Consuella advocates immediate execution of Zed, but May is fascinated citing first real contact with outside world in ages as a reason to keep him around for study. The fact that she just “saw” Zed raping a woman in Zardoz’s name doesn’t seem to be troubling her the slightest. Anyway after some time they let Zed roam free and (probably a foolish decision) show him around the Vortex. He finds that Eternals  giving their limitless life span grew bored and lost any kind of real purpose. Also men became totally impotent. He witnesses their retarded social rules that result in punishment of those who think outside the box, the punishment being artificial aging and senility that fallows it. They of course keep studying him, disgusted and fascinated by the fact that he is capable of erection different than their Vortex men…

The Great Mystery!

After extensive research May concludes that he is a second or third generation mutant and that he is mentally as well as physically superior than anyone in the Vortex and is therefore dangerous!

Zed is Da Man, deal with it!

After that Eternals gather and lead by Concuella vote to determine his fate. They give May 7 days to complete her studies before Zed is destroyed. Then they continue with their gayish hippie rituals.Next, May is hypnotizing Zed  and we are treated with number of flashback, learning  to read in the ruins of  the old world  and his realization of origin of the name Zardoz- Wizard of Oz*. So we finally know the origin of his plan! Strange but it’s an explanation.

Aha!

Unfortunately Concuella interrupts their session and decides to punish May by rapid aging! She is for some reason jealous of her cause she was held by Zeds strong and hairy arms? Maybe she does not despise brutes or sex as much as she lets on? Despite her efforts Zed escapes and causes the ruckus, succeeds in absorbing all the knowledge of  Eternals (from their artificial intelligence, The Tubernuckle) and even allows the hordes of Exterminators into the fabled city! Complete death and destruction fallows.

Concuella tries to kill him even though it’s too late to save the city but she stops and then Zed declares “you gave me  what no other gave me- love”Just like that- without any set up. Hell, she actively  tried to kill him many times- and just ’cause she is not capable to get her hands dirty it’s love? I think I need to update my definition of love ASAP! Anyway city is destroyed, most Eternals dead (including May and her friend Friend), and  minority that survived forced to join the regular “Brutals”.

Zed and Concuella as suddenly in the cave, together, rapidly aging in time- lapse until there is nothing left but  skeletons, then dust and an old revolver of Zed. The End.*

The End

Verdict- it took me approximately 48 hours  to start to function as a proper human being again after watching this film.  More side- effect will probably show themselves in time… Anyway, I  know the puling force of Sean Connery in red diapers and  knee-high leather boots is incredibly strong but maybe you should choose to save your sanity instead.

And kids- remember!

A.P.E.X. (1994)

Posted: 19/08/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , ,

This is the movie about evil time-traveling robot. Enough said.

"We recently mentioned on the official Youtube blog that we were enabling auto-captioning for all Youtube videos. This new technology takes advantage of Google’s speech-to-text algorithms to add captions to videos with spoken English content."

We recently mentioned on the official Youtube blog that we were enabling auto-captioning for all Youtube videos. This new technology takes advantage of Google’s speech-to-text algorithms to add captions to videos with spoken English content.”

Viewing experience of an 90s cyborg flick made drastically better with the clever usage of Youtube’s caption options.