Everyone’s favorite burlesque dancer/ martial artist/ actress Tura Satana is finally getting a documentary of her own!

Tura laid a blueprint for every female action star that we have today with her role as villainous gang leader Varla in Russ Meyer‘s classic “Faster, Pussycat!Kill!Kill!” ( it’s truly rare to see such an ass- kicking performance even now) but that’s just a tip of the iceberg. In her youth she  was a prisoner of Japanese- American internment camp, later she was a victim of racially motivated gang rape and yet she rose up to become a martial artist/ avenging badass, super- popular dancer an then legendary B- movie actress with her turns in Meyer’s Faster,Pussycat!(1965) and Ted V. Michael’s The Astro- Zombies (1968) and The Doll Squad (1973).

Even thou she survived further hardships like a  horrible car crash in the 80’s and had numerous operations to repair her back she never lost her will to live life to the fullest. Later in her life she worked as a nurse and a police dispatcher but in 2000’s she did return to acting appearing in the The Astro-Zombies sequel Mark of the Astro Zombies (2004) , women- in- prison film Suger Boxx and she also reprized the role of Varla in Rob Zombie‘s underrated animated movie The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009).

Cody Garret started working on the project before Tura’s death in 2011 and you can easily see that it was a passion project for her and the rest of the crew. The list of the people interviewed for the documentary is seriously impressive with everyone from Dita Von Tease , John Watters (Pink Flamingos)  and Ted V. Michaels (Astro Zombies) to  Kitten Natividad (Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens) and Shannon Lee ( Bruce Lee Enterprises) gladly taking part. Movie is also narrated by the Asian- American comedian Margaret Cho.

Now is your chance to contribute before the Kickstarter campaign ends in less than 48 hours. If you’re interested go to: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/148661830/tura-the-tura-satana-documentary

There are plenty of movies which drop a spotlight onto evil things and beings that kill people (Killer Clowns for example). Most of them are using various phobias as a base for a script. Inspired by that someone in Netherlands (Dick Maas to be more precisely) came up with an idea of making horror for claustrophobic people. So, here it is folks, the killer elevator movie! The movie about diabolical elevator!

As it goes, we see 2 drunk middle-aged couples having fun and deciding to go into the rooms. Between 3 elevators all 4 of them choose the middle one. Then the lighting strikes and causes power failure. After power came back, the elevator gets stuck and air valve goes bad. It is interesting too see different reactions of the people trapped within it. As one couple clearly starts suffocating the other couple grabs each other and starts having sex for no reason (we get some nice boobs shot here) until they pass out unconscious eventually. Luckily for them, the staff of hotel finds them before they died.

MILF stuck in elevator

Felix Adelaar (played by Huub Stapel) is a workaholic technician from the elevator company Deta Liften. He had been called by hotel management to look into a problem with elevator. But for now he couldn’t find anything suspicious. So he goes back home to his wife Saskia (played by Josine van Dalsum) and their children. Later that day we see elderly blind man (played by Onno Molenkamp) signing some sort of contract with hotel manager. What is bizarre here is that his mother is still alive and blind man rushes to give her a call. As he came near the elevator, it opened it’s door leaving just a shaft for poor blind man to step into carelessly (he should have learned how to use his cane until now). It would seem that blind man struggles not to fall to shaft. But no. He just wanted to get hold onto his cap which had fallen off his head. After he grabbed it, blind man willingly falls into his death. This scene has no sense at all! One thing is certain tho: His mother is going to outlive him for sure. And you might say blind man wanted to take his favorite cap with him to a better place.

 

But that wasn’t the only victim of the evil elevator that night. One of the security people dared to poke his head through elevator doors to take a peek into the shaft. You might guess what happens next. If your guess was “decapitation” you were damn right. Here is your reward! Only for your sick  twisted amusement:

 

Time to call Felix again. He rushes back to the hotel despite Saskia’s constant nagging. She doesn’t have any apparent reason for that. She is just a bitch. Anyway, Felix is back and he meets Mieke de Boer (Willeke van Ammelrooy), a rather horny journalist for De Nieuwe Revu, a local tabloid that Felix remarks he often finds in his friends’ cat litter. Mieke smells something fishy here (although that might be Felix). When inspections reveal no apparent problems with the electrical system, Felix becomes obsessed with the continuing malfunctions of the elevator. Now comes the comedy aspect of this movie: Felix is obviously imagined as “maverick cop who plays by their own set of rules”. The exchanges with his boss (who wants the elevator-caused incidents covered up to
avoid souring an upcoming corporate merger with another elevator-manufacturing company) are  hilariously reminiscent of heroic rogue cops arguing with their desk-bound superiors in countless movies. he even tells our dogged repairman “I’m pulling you off that route!” in the spirit of the line “I’m pulling you off the case!” in cop movies. Of course, Felix continues investigation on his own time. The elevator-manufacturers conspiracy shall be uncovered! He might be onto something since When he paid yet another visit to the building, he noticed outside a van for Rising Sun, a manufacturer of microprocessors for automation. Felix and Mieke, after collection newspaper article archives about Rising Sun, try to meet up with the company’s CEO, but the CEO begins to act
nervous and answers abruptly. He visits previous lift repairman who went insane and ended up in a nuthouse (?). No luck there. Next, Mieke takes Felix to meet up with her former university professor who specializes in electronics. The professor explains microprocessors’ sensitivity to external factors, such as electric fields, magnetic fields, and radioactivity, which undermine the proper functionality and tells about a computer built years ago which had suddenly begun to self-program and went out of control. A complete rubbish if you ask me.

Microchips are watching us

Meanwhile, THE LIFT continues with it’s pranks. It tried to lure the little girl into it’s shaft. The girl was alone since her mother was having a sex with the owner of hoel back in his office. The girl screams thus luring her mother out. Fortunately, only the girl’s doll had been smashed. Her mother gave her a strong slap instead of trying to calm down her poor daughter! (That’s what you get when you interrupt your mom’s sex life) Anyway, the lift’s hunger must be satiated! It killed cleaning guy who was tap-dancing too close to shaft. Serves him right!

Spring cleaning

The next morning, Felix is summoned to the elevator factory by his boss who angrily suspends him for his unauthorized visit to Rising Sun. That evening, the owners of Deta Liften and Rising Sun have a meeting inside a car, and reveal that the elevator’s controller, made out of organic material, is going rogue by killing people in which makes them nervous. It turns out that Rising Sun’s CEO put an experimental control chip in the elevator, one which can reproduce even! (This is signified by it dripping gelatin) What a fucking dumb explanation! Soon enough, Felix’s wife leaves with their children and, feeling that he doesn’t have anything left in his life, decides to solve the elevator conspiracy. Gaining inside the building during the night, he climbs into the shaft and starts beating on the chip with a wrench; it responds by trying to smash him. Slutty Mieke comes to the rescue, dragging the wounded man out of harm’s way. What happens next should leave you scratching your head, or whatever body part it causes to itch. Rising’s Sun CEO shows up with a semiautomatic pistol, unloads an entire clip into the control panel, then turns around and enigmatically states, “It was very sick.” But the lift will have it’s final word! It shoots one of the broken cables out to drag CEO inside the shaft and hangs him. The monster has killed it’s creator! As for Felix and Mieke, they decided to take the stairs while the elevator’s heartbeat can be heard in a background. And I doubt Felix has seen his wife and children ever more. Good for him!

 

Conclusion: Dick Maas tried to make urban thriller in one environment we can’t avoid. Instead he ended up with something between cheap B-horror movie and black comedy. Maybe I missed something but I can hardly be blamed. I do not speak Dutch and English translation seems to have been written by people who have never heard human beings actually conversing, Since this film was imported from abroad you get the old-school bad movie fun of the dubbed-in dialogue never coming close to matching the lip movements of the actors speaking the lines. The dead-pan demeanor of our hero Felix, whose straight-faced reactions to all this absurdity help make the film so damned laughable. The plot itself is as absurd as it is. How can a microchip multiple itself by just dripping goo? And why it has to be evil? Is the hidden message here that all intelligent beings are evil? This is what you get when you combine new elevator with the evil of Stephen King’s Christine. Personally, I believe all of this havoc could have been avoided by placing plain “Lift out of order” sign.


As we all know every holiday deserves a Horror franchise or two- and most actually have them- from Halloween to the April 1. Now, finally there’s a proper one for Easter too and by the looks of it it’s going to be the best rabbit- based Horror since Night of the Lepus (ok, that one didn’t set the standard very high). It’ called The Beaster Bunny and you can read the synopsis and see the trailer too!

“A 50-foot man-eating Easter bunny is on the loose and the townsfolk don’t stand a hop in hell. As the bloodthirsty, floppy-eared killer leaves a trail of dismembered corpses, the town’s only chance of survival rests with a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher. God help them!”

 

 

Next up, a magical journey to the past to save the future! No wait, that actually makes sense.

Continuing our long ( possibly never-ending?) quest of watch all the Barbarian films we encountered an oddity- yes, a time traveling barbarian movie! Generally not a lot of those exist (possibly because Sword and Sorcery and the City doesn’t really go together all that well ) Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal of Time being one of the only notable exemptions from that rule. Also, the movie is directed by B- movie writer Joseph John Barmettler (of Skyscraper fame), and the lead is none other than Deron McBee aka Malibu of American Gladiators (1989).

Our Barbarian King Doran (McBee) likes spending his time strolling the woods, fighting an occasional masked savage(yes, there are different levels of savagery) and scaring his woman with a masked he stole from said savage. So generally good times. He is also the last in long line of Kings (we use this term very broadly ’cause his kingdom is like 10-15 men) entrusted with a mystical amulet with inamaginable powers (including but not limited to space/ time manipulation).  The sacred amulet was originally gifted to his ancestor by a powerful Sorceress for non- disclosed reason.

Ill-advisedly he decides to leave on a hunting trip with his pal while all the barbarian woman engage in some skinny dipping in the river along with some nude gossiping too. Just at that time the evil wizard Mandrak (yes, not really an original name, is it?) decides to strike. Now, Mandrak attacks with his three or four men – he really should have invested in more henchman,  instead of his (limited) magic arsenal. I mean I can find more henchman right now and I have no delusions of world domination or wish to raid any barbarian villages.

Now the protective powers of the amulet are nowhere to be found because Madrak crusifies Lystra between the two trees and then rapes her repeatedly. Probably because he lost a hand in his raid against nude women! Dorin arrives (predictably) too late with Mandrak and his mini- horde all gone along with the amylet. Then he vows vengeance and begins his quest to find the mystical sorceress and right the wrong. Unfortunately at the first step of his “epic” journey he and his friend end up ambushed and his friend pays with his life. I wouldn’t want to be Dorin‘s friend given his recent track record.

Dorin ends up being captured by the savages who sacrifice people to the Lovecraftian deity but eventually Sorcerers show up pretty pissed that he lost her amulet. Now ,Sorceress has a bit of that passive/ aggressive thing going on ’cause she frees him in the end and gifts him with the magic sword from the stone (where have I seen this before?) to help him on his quest of recapturing the sacred amylet?

I wonder what kind of magic is she using for that hair?

And as we all now the only place where a mystical artifact can take you is the Los Angeles in the 90’s Magic simply works that way. Now we see a reporter named Penny who’s just trying to report on rising street violence (kinda like April O’Neil in TMNT), but she becomes a victim of the said violence  in no time. She gets viciously attacked even loosing her shirt in the process (as is mandatory in B-Movies). But our hero shows up just in time, and starts throwing gang members left and right (it seems people have gone soft during the centuries). Reporters deduce that he is from some Nordic country because yeah, in those countries people walk around half naked with swords like it’s the middle ages.

Ok, this dude is the exception.

Now, having a bit of a head start in our brave new world you would expect the Evil Wizard to be ruling L.A. by now. Ok, maybe not the whole city but surely he had taken control of numerous street gangs and made them into his own private army of terror! Nope, not really, he and his only remaining henchman (now sporting a punk rock haircut) are robing random people of the street and spending their money in a seedy bar (with a single hooker). That bar also has probably the ugliest bartender in all the history of cinema

Man this dude is ugly, I still can’t get my head around it

Fascinated by his size the reporter Penny (bearing uncanny resemblance to his dead wife) takes him home and shows him the wonders of modern technology, and also the wonders of modern sex (ok, it hasn’t really progressed that much). Now,  Mandrak’s sees his nemesis on the TV (throwing people around like a crazed WWE wrestler) a spark lights inside him finally lights up. Will his genius finally shine again?  In mere moments he develops a devious plan to defeat the foul Barbarian– to attack him first! To attack him first? Man, he sure is rusty in this plotting evil schemes thing. Well, at least he decides to even the odds by using FIREARMS! Yeah, pure genius. No way he can block the bullets with his magic sword (only he can).

He threatens the goon as seeks the location of Mandrak’s and manages to kill him before he speaks. Thankfully cameraman dude shows up, and somehow they figure out Mandrak’s locations. That location is shockingly just a random warehouse (I guess that’s the only thing crew had available) and the otherwise pathetic finish out to be hell of a lot of a fun because of a simple thing- a hand! You see Dorin was wearing Mandrak’s severed hand on his belt for like a whole hour of the movie and now we know why- to pimp slap the Wizard with his own hand!!! He might act like an idiot in every other scene but here he is comical genius.

Now, after finally defeating the Wizard, reclaiming the amulet and finding the love of his life against all odds, across  the whole space and time what does our hero do? He activates the power of the amulet and strolls back home, walking down the railway too- he is just that stupid. Penny continues her best April O’Neil impersonation by narrating about Dorin’s heroic deeds on camera. And that is all.


Verdict I absolutely understand all the budget constraints (first part of the movie is mostly just forest + a smoke machine) and some thing you can chalk off to 80’s clichess but other things- not so much. For example in the case of Conan the Barbarian Arnold was never given too many lines and that coupled with his incredible physique sold him as formidable and even menacing. On the other hand when you have McBee with his California blonde hair and horse-like teeth (actually quite useful in another role *see Trivia) just blabbing along like a schoolgirl, all of that muscle can’t save him from looking ridiculous. Now, to his credit MbBee sticked to acting even to this day and he actually got a LOT better (see his guest spot on Veronica Mars, episode You Think You Know Somebody if you want proof.)

Trivia: Daron McBee (as if American Gladiators and Time Barbarians weren’t enough) went on to star  in another movie worthy of the WM Crew list. Yes,he appeared in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation as Montaro. Dont’ tell me you’ve forgoten all about this- I mean he is really hard to miss!

“Without your weapons, you are no match for Motaro.”

In the music world you had Chinese Democracy by Guns ‘N Roses- a passion project of W. Axl Rose who trough the numerous band turmoils and line-up changes worked diligently on the project for more than a decade. When against all the odds  record finally came out in late 2008 the cost of recording was estimated at more than 13 000 000 dollars making it the single most expensive Rock album ever produced.

Similarly (but unfortunately also more tragically) in the world of film the eccentric Andrew Getty (an heir of the Getty oil fortune) worked on a single movie since his 30’s ’till his untimely death in 2015. The movie was based on his childhood nightmares and it meant so much to him that he would redo the scenes and over again until he got them just right. He even went so far as to recast most of the original actors, sometimes multiple times with exception of the boy and the actor playing the mirror demon, the under- appreciated but always brilliant Michael Berryman (Hills Have Eyes, The Guyver, Weird Scinence, The Barbarians) The lead was played by Fred Kohler who says that he has the stranger relationship with the film anyone can have.He famously started working on the movie straight out of college and is now 41 in time of the final release.

The production would start and stop for large chunks of time from 2002 to 2015 as Getty would work on new and different camera rigs, complicated animatronics and build extensive sets on his property. It is estimated that he spent 4 to 6 millions of his own money on the film which crippled him financially even though he came from such a historically rich family.

He was so obsessed we would stop eating proper meals for days opting to just eat cereals while editing. In a bizarre set of circumstances he died just as he was finally in the coloring stages of the film. He was found by his ex- girlfriend (who he filed restraining order just days before). The cause of death was proclaimed to from the ulcer- related bleeding. The movie’s producer Michael Luceri took it upon himself to finish the movie so Getty’s efforts don’t end up being in vain and it’s now after festival premiere in Fantasporto Film Festival in February finally coming out on VOD and DVD.

“The sadistic tale of a lonely, mentally handicapped boy who befriends his reflection in an antique mirror.
This demonic creature orders him to go on a murderous rampage to kill the people he loves most.”


If you know the name of Charles Band, you know what to expect when you see his name in the credits as the executive producer.  His studio, known as Empire Pictures ( which would later change to Full Moon Entertainment) made quite a few low budget schlock horror films in the 1980s, including such notable ones as Troll and Dungeonmaster.  The stories were anemic, but the special effects were good for such cheap productions, making them adequate fodder for video rentals and late night cable staples for the horror-loving junkies (such as we). This time we are taking a stab into his, several years too late, a “New Wave” horror film.

The premise of the film revolves around a contest put on by music station R-TV (Rock Television), whereby seven lucky winners are taken up to an old Italian castle in order to compete for a chance to win a million dollars, while also rubbing shoulders with stuck-up, alcoholic rock superstar, Cassandra Castle (played by Bunty Bailey). The only rules are that they can’t leave the castle for any reason or they will be disqualified, and they are discouraged from damaging anything on the property. For this momentous undertaking, R-TV sends their most popular VJ Rex (played by Richard Blade), but only one camera. At this point the movie seems to be nothing more than one long 80s music video. To add to this claim, contestants are consisted of 5 blonde girls, one ugly guy and one gay looking Italian. And they are all too anxious to start their search for the hidden check.

You rang?

The owner of this castle is certain person with appropriate name of Senor Diablo. Obviously evil servant welcomes contestants to the castle and takes them to a tour in which they can see a statue that will clearly come alive. Also someone is watching them through crystal ball. Anyway, they are accommodated each in their own room. Italian guy Tony (played by Marcello Modungo) starts hitting on everything that has two legs and tits. The ugly fat guy Harlan (played by Michael Zorek) started eating the moment after he unpacked his stuff. Myrna (played by Martha Demson) has brought rifle with herself (she is safari lunatic). Tom (played by Harold P Pruett) and Jackie (played by Gail O’Graidy) are making plans to search together for the check (naturally, they are brother and sister), while Teri (played by KIm Ulrich) just dances in front of sinister looking painting.

Now this is the art

Although the contest officially starts tomorrow all of the contestants decided to bend the rules and start their search for the check the very same night. All but Harlan who came down just because he got night munchies. Boy, he likes food. Yvette (played by Traci Linn), on the other hand, is much more hungry for a money. She seduces Rex into giving her a clue of where the check should be (she doesn’t know it is hidden between Cassandra’s tits). Slutty approach always gives some results. Hey, everything is allowed while cameras are off. And they will stay off since camera crew never got to castle. I don’t want to spoil your fun so check below for what happened to them.

 

Following the clue she got from Rex (the check is hidden somewhere on the first floor), Yvette started her search. But she has no clue about what is actually going on. She takes a break and sits on some antique chair. Which devours her! Meanwhile, always drunk Cassandra stumbles into basement where she finds a big pile of skeletons. Which also came alive. Everything in this castle is something. But, unlike Yvette, she lived to talk about that. Of course that no one would believe her. She is such an alcoholic that when Rex angrily spilled her liquor she started licking the floor.

 

The game has officially started. Everybody is looking everywhere. That’s good excuse for Tony to enter the rooms where girls are. He found the check but got distracted by Cassandra’s nudity. She took that opportunity to hide it once again while evil servant was kicking Tony’s ass out of the room. But the check has it’s own ways. It is controlled by Senor Diablo through a crystal ball. And Tony must pay for his rude behavior. The check flies out onto the top of the castle while Tony is pursuing it without paying much attention where he steps. How this scene ended I think all of you can presume.

 

While everybody is running around like insane Harlan takes this opportunity to do what he likes the most – to eat. He orders and gets entire pig for himself. Soon after he is convinced into validity of old saying “You are what you eat”. That’s right, my friends. With just one swift move of the hand above crystal ball Harlan was turned into a pig! I would say that he doesn’t look much different now in his new form. Teri sees him and runs away into her room where she gets devoured by creature from the picture. I believe it was Satyr. Anyway, she wasn’t the only one who ended her search in her own room. Camera girl Jamie (played by always charming Dale Wyatt) was strangled by electric snake her camera produced! She ain’t so pretty no more. Nor is Myrna, who became prey instead of hunter. At least she killed that fat guy who had turned into a pig.

 

The only remaining girl Jackie stumbles upon a secret Senor Diablo’s (played by Adam Ant) hideout. There he explains to her that he is a demon and that all those who had fallen to his vicious spell casting are down in hell. Meanwhile, Tom had finally managed to score something. And that person is Cassandra. Let’s see…drunk, scared, washed-up rock star, with low self-esteem. Easy target. She decides to burn the check in a fireplace but instead the check scorched her (?). So she appears at Senor Diablo. It turns out that Cassandra had traded her soul in exchange for becoming rock star. Also, she was bound to bring to Senor Diablo more fresh souls. Wanting to save her brother Tom, Jackie offers her souls in exchange for Tom’s safety and million dollars. A lot of dumb, unconvincing dialogs occur followed by awful acting. Eventually, Cassandra takes the gun and shoots crystal ball, thus forcing Diablo to reveal his true form. Every contestant is alive again and walks into the room. It seems that Cassandra has made a new contract, and Senor Diablo is now new VJ, Cyril St. Michael. What a stupid ending.

 

Conclusion: Spellcaster’s attractive cast, impressive effects and make-up, and relatively light delivery are about the only aspects of the film that make it watchable schlock for those who enjoy cheesy, b-movie horror. The plot of the film isn’t very well thought out at all.  It’s not quite clear how people could win the contest, but even if it were explained, the chance that a brother and sister could both win out of (presumably) millions of entries is ridiculous to believe. It’s amazing how many ideas were squandered in the making of this film.  For a movie centering around an MTV-like international music channel, it boasts almost no music whatsoever. I stayed through the closing credits and counted two generic-sounding songs used in the film, both sung by artists I’ve never heard of. They say you can’t have too much of a good thing, but apparently, Charles Band can’t get too much of a bad thing.  He would repeat the movie’s basic premise again in 1990 in Meridian (two American students go to Italy when one inherits a castle, and strange things occur), and in 1995 with Castle Freak (an American couple and their daughter inherit a castle in Italy, where strange things occur).  There may be others, but with hundreds of movies to his name, I don’t have the diligence to do the research.  It shouldn’t come as a surprise to learn that Band owns the castle in question.  A man’s home is his castle and his castle, his movie set.

Vampirela was for the longest time my white whale something that for years and years seemed just about impossible to find.From the days of VHS tapes to the early  dial-up internet and primitive peer to pear sharing programs (remember WinMX) all the way up to the almighty Russian piracy sites. You could find a cover or a clip or a throwaway line about how bad it is but that was all. Now that technology has finally caught up with the elusive film (even here in Balkans) it is time for better or for the worst to watch the damned thing!

vampirella-rudy-nebresVampirella by one of my all- time favorite artist: Rudy Nebres

First we start with a bit of a history. Vampirella started her life as a comicbook character created by legendary Forrest J. Ackerman in 1969 for Warren’s Publishing company of Horror Magazines (Eerie and Creepy) fame.  Warren fell on some hard times and as we learned watching many B-movies, that’s noting a sexy girl can’t fix– especially if she’s also a vampire. Now, some really talented artist worked on Vampirella and fair share of the comic was a visual treat but even the original 70’s version didn’t have the most impressive writing. We’ll get back to that in a moment.

mv5bztyxzdyzmtmtndm4nc00owjjltkwy2mtmdnmzdrinjcwymixxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvynjexode1mdc-_v1_Strangely the actual costume in the movie doesn’t look anything like this.

We start our story, 30 centuries ago on a planet Drakulon ( actually footage from Not of This Earth, another Corman production) And yes that’s her actual origin story, since redconed because no one can make the idea of space vampires work. The ruler of the futuristic vampiric world (cheap Christopher Lee knock-off , strange because Christopher Lee himself wasn’t that expensive in the early 90’s) wearing plastic vampire teeth explains to his daughter how in the old days vampires would drain one another to drink (that actually doesn’t make any sense) and now they are technologically superior and they use Drakonic organic blood rivers and streams. There’s so much wrong with that idea that I can’t even begin to explain it.

Of course they cut straight to the person who disobeyed  the rule and drank from other vampires. He is also called Vlad just to make thing super clear. Just when they were about to execute him his compatriots break in and he kills the ruler. Desperate,  the princess Ella vows to avenge her father (thus becoming Vampirella, cleaver ha?) but renegades are already gone in their spaceship Gone to the little blue planet called… EARTH! (Yeah I guess you saw that coming, we did too.)

Couple of thousand years later we see some gang members torturing a poor ugly nerd. Mysterious female figure show up from the dark and saves him.

That boy is none other that Akerman (the above mentioned author of Ella) himself. He helps her to find the location of  one of the Vlad‘s minions Thraxx (now Dr. Traxx) using the magic of internet  and even gives her some clothes so she doesn’t receive too much attention when she goes out.

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_000819125Seriously, this is the best you’ve got- I’ve seen cosplayers with 10x better costumes!

In the meantime we see the operation of the P.U.R.G.E. organization strikeforce, offing some vampires in Mexico I believe. That’s mostly interesting just because they wear black garbage bags and sunglasses I guess to protect them from the sun, but mostly because they’re idiots.

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_000893625Garbage bag- never leave home without it!

And good ol’ condom-head  is still confused why no one thinks he’s dangerous dude! Vampirella tracks down Dr. Traxx and shows him her best Kung Fu moves (not too good). He apparently changed his ways but ends up impaled all the same. Ella manages to follow that up by the worst vampire transformation in the modern history of cinema (going back to the ’50s).

Impalement followed by a fantastic human to bat transformation, just incredible!

P.U.R.G.E.’s  are torturing one of the condom- heads, fetish looking even without his suit using holly water.He admits that Vlad is operating out of L.A. of all places. And that’s not all- the dude had 3000 years to conquer the freakin’ world and he wasted it all to o pursue a music career.Man, he really is something! Vampirella is also there to see him perform- she doesn’t seem all that impressed.

He shouldn’t leave his day job of world domination for this!

She surprises Vlad but Hellsings surprise them both. They lock them both up but Vlad easily escapes and kills the guards. Young Adam Van Helsing being the only one left teams up with Vampirella to take Vlad down once and for all. They also use the opportunity to exchange their origin stories and we get horrible flashback of  Ella stranded on Mars (which explains her being so late to get to Earth).

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_002476750“I’m telling you , there’s a half- naked chick over there!”

Unfortunately Adam returns to his home for a bit and gets smacked in the head by couple of porno looking vampire blonds. Vampirella does the only responsible thing,organizes an exchange with P.U.R.G.E., condom- head vampire for young Van Helsing. It all goes wrong as those thing tend to go and both Vampirella and Adam end up captured. Then Vlad tries to make her drink Adam’s blood to finally turn her evil but that doesn’t really work out for him. She does drink his blood but with his blessing and then she turns her new found strength to defeat the Vlad’s empire. He was just inches away of completing his evil plan involving satellites and vampirization of the whole humanity.

 

After the credits roll a sequel was promised  with a ultra- goth name of Death’s Dark Avenger. We’re still waiting for that one, even thou it will probably never happen but with Corman prodaction you just never know. In the meantime you can enjoy this song.

 

Verdict: Vampirella movie actually had some potential, even as a B movie but for that to work you would have to go all in with the Hard R and do not skimp on nudity and gore. Even Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat, Licence to Kill) was not a bad choice, even though she definitely needed to gain a few pounds so she can fill the iconic skimpy suit properly. Unfortunately Wynorski and Corman decided to go straight for camp, and managed to extract all the worst parts of a comic and  the effects well, they look like Corman hand drew them on film himself! That is even a real possibility given how historically cheap he could be.

One of the redeeming values of this movie is of course Roger Daltrey (of The Who fame) who’s performance is so over the top that you have no choice but be entertained by it.