Posts Tagged ‘(Chuck Norris)’

Code of Silence (1985)

Posted: 21/03/2013 in Trash movies
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There are many people who claim that this is, by far, the best Chuck Norris movie. I have to admit that I am having problems imagining that a  Chuck Norris movie can be considered  as anything else but a complete disaster. But again, what do I know? Trailer for Code of Silence even shows our hero with gun!!! This could be interesting! So let’s check it.

Graveyard in broad daylight… Two men are there. One is sitting (Cragie), the other one is standing (Nick). Cragie (played by Ralph Foody) is drinking and suggesting Nick (played by Joseph Guzaldo) to piss on someone’s grave. Obviously, they are vandals. WRONG!!! They are undercover agents (?!) On the other side of block, their leader Eddie Cusack (Chuck Norris) is waiting in the trash truck with his fellow agent. They plan to interrupt drug shipment. After busting in drug lair, shooting and some ridiculous rooftops chasing, the dealers have been dealt with (with some casualties on both sides, including hilarious mullet dude). Also, one of the officers got shot and informer is dead. But that’s not everything. While scouting nearby building Cragie managed to shoot and kill 10 years old kid. Of course, after seeing what he did, Cragie planted gun in cold hand of already dead kid. Not a fully successful mission, don’t you think? And I forgot to mention that some bandits had managed to escape.

Shortly after the big action, two arrested gang members are questioned in police station about whereabouts of their escaped comrades. Interesting thing is that interrogators are using new method – 1 good cop and 2 bad cops. But villains remained silent, even after being intimidated with name of Luis Comacho (Henry Silva) who appears to be the big bad boss of crime. Sounds familiar? In the same time Cragie has been suspended until hearing for killing kid and his partner is transferred to work with Chuck Norris. Sounds like a promotion to me.

Pedja - fazon

THIS…IS…NOT…FUNNY!!!

Meanwhile, there is someone’s birthday in the house on the other side of town. We see a woman who has a face similar to the one you get when you draw eyes and mouth on balloon. She is carrying a cake. Her name is Diana (played by Molly Hagan) and she is the daughter of Tony Luna (Mike Genovese), another detective working on the case. And the cake is meant for her mother Molly. But, Tony gets a phone call and announces that he needs to depart. This has been followed by phrases like “Your job is more important to you than your own family” and similar women crap. If you guessed that balloon-face girl had said all of this than you guessed it right. Tony is afraid that if Victor Comacho get’s out they are all will be dead.

After seeing his comrades dead Luis Comacho gets pissed off and threatens Eddie with the Columbian neck-tie. Chuck Norris doesn’t seem to be touched by this token of gratitude, while being surrounded by Luis’ gang members, including Comacho’s right hand who’s look resembles to Serbia’s politician Vuk Draskovic.
Next scene takes us to introduction of new member of police force. No, it is not some badass, experienced detective. It is a robot cop named Prowler, the ultimate weapon in fight against crime, at least judging to words of it’s representative, who is played by no one else than John Mahoney.

Chuck Norris using a weapon less deadly than himself

Chuck Norris using a weapon less deadly than himself

Now pardon me for absence of spoilers which can be found in most of my reviews, but writing about this movie is such an agony so I’ll do a fast forward. Next one hour is consisted of artists using drugs in middle of exhibition, Eddie Cusack being known as “Stainless Steel” on the street, villain being killed by the boat after the most ridiculous chasing and even more ridiculous jumping into river (you got to see this), kidnapping of balloon-face girl who’s face gets larger and larger from scene to scene, Chuck Norris being hit in the head with snooker ball and then beaten up (that can happen too), and Chuck Norris’ testimony against Cragie which brakes CODE OF SILENCE among cops…

Fully pumped up baloon face

Fully pumped up balloon face

Also, I have to mention his driving skills that caused the death of one high rated gang member, uncle Felix (don’t know his exact roll here due to severe memory damages caused by watching this movie).

This man is going to die

This man is going to die!!!

All of above mentioned nonsense has been just introduction in the final stand off – Eddie Cusack vs Luis Comacho. Greatly outnumbered by Luis’ forces, Eddie was cornered and certain death was approaching him with the light speed. But he got a backup!!! It was Prowler, who swiped the entire gang, including Luis,  with it’s rocket missiles and thus saving Eddie’s bad acting ass.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xydocz_yyyyyy-yyyyyyyy-code-of-silence-1985-dvdrip-avc-mvo-eng_shortfilms

Conclusion: Despite many people claims that this is the best Chuck Norris movie, WE claim that this is even worse than The Octagon and Invasion USA, which makes this the worst Chuck Norris movie (in pretty strong competition) and one of the worst movies of all times (even worse than Godfather 3)!!!

For all those who had the nerves to read this review through end, here is the treat I had promised you earlier:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xydolc_bird-crap-falling-off-the-sky

Bird crap falling off the sky!

Invasion USA (1985)

Posted: 17/12/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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Feeling of pure horror got a hold of me before movie even started, when I saw that this monstrosity is product of sinful , blasphemous, unholy union between Cannon and MGM. Like a convict to a death penalty who awaits his own execution I trembled in fever while awaiting the appearance of Chuck Norris. Of course, this kind of movie can’t exist without Aron Norris’s “colorful” script. Equation is simple here: Cannon+MGM+Norris Bros.Inc = Mental Torture. Lethal injection never seemed this tempting.

Cannon MGM logo USA

If you see this, run as far as you can, you might still have a chance!

The story is quite simple: Evil Soviet terrorists had launched full attack on USA. Mission – Conquering entire country! Start of their invasion looked like famous “Day D”; army of terrorists in a shitload of boats. After landing in middle of night, they enter hundreds of trucks. It came to our attention that no one of the authorities had raised an issue about unusual number of ice cream trucks parked at beach in the dead of the night. Soviets showed here extremely high level of patience since they conquering had consisted of destroying one house at a time using a rocket launchers. God have mercy on America. Meanwhile, in swamp of New Orleans, ex-government executioner Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris) passes his time with wrestling vs alligators.

Something like this…

He lives in nearby shack with some old Indian. Tools of repression (government’s men) found Matt there and literally begged him to return to his duty and save the USA. With the least possible emotions manifesting Chuck Norris had refused this offer. In that moment, it seemed that nothing can stop evil Soviets. Ok now, back to conquerors side. Rostov , main man in entire operation seems to got Matthunterphobia. Terrified by nightmare in which Chuck Norris rapes, kills and rapes him again, he decides to put an end to it by hunting Hunter in the stinky swamp. Epilogue of that attack was one burned shack (by rocket launcher ofc) and one dead Indian (not played by Armand Assante). After death of his longtime friend, Chuck Norris had engaged attempt to show at least some emotions… and he failed miserably. Without burying corpse of his friend, Chuck goes to bar (which was owned by the now dead Indian). After drinking himself to death he decides to avenge old man. Rostov doesn’t know what he had started. Well, he brought this on himself. Chuck wasn’t really interested in doing old US of A’s dirty work anymore. That’s what happens when you give too much credits to your dreams.

Next, the evil Soviets attack a shopping mall where all people are doing their Christmas shopping. During the attack, Hunter comes crashing in his pick-up and starts obliterating everything in his path in a style that would make Terminator jealous.  Next, Hunter tracks down the whole group that attacked the mall. He obliterates them too! Finally figuring out that something is terribly wrong, guard troops are called up and martial law is declared. Hunter of course continues to go after the terrorists, stopping their plans to bomb a church and a school bus with students and in the process, kills Rostov’s right hand man.

Chuck Norris and his pickup visit the mall, showing everyone what the Real Black Friday is!

In the sudden twist of fate, the FBI agents arrest arrest Hunter for the killing of the terrorists (?) and he is taken to the command center, where he goads Rostov (on national television none the less ) to come and kill him if he dares. Rostov then orders all the Soviets to assault the center. However, they find no one inside the center and the National Guard surrounds them… the arrest of Hunter was a trap all along! With the battle raging outside, Hunter comes face-to-face with emesis Rostov and finally kills him in a brutal fashion*. The terror crisis ends suddenly as it came to be… all thanks to one man.

Poor Rostov, if only he was smart enough to leave Chuck be  Soviets would have ruled USA and the world would be a better place!

Verdict:

The Pinnacle of Manliness

Slaughter in San Francisco aka Yellow Faced Tiger (1974)

Posted: 16/10/2012 in Trash movies
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As conventional wisdom tells us a Chuck Norris film will always be unwatchable mess and must be avoided at all costs. On the other hand there are couple exceptions to that rule, obvious ones being The Way of the Dragon (that has one of the best one on one fight sequences in the history of cinema, legendary Chuck Norris vs Bruce Lee duel in Colosseum) and Expendables 2 (which uses Norris cameo to the fullest extend even poking fun at “Chuck Norris Facts” phenomena). Then there is the other kind of movies- the hilariously bad ones, and as you can guess we will concentrate on the later- one of those being  the “Slaughter in San Francisco” aka Yellow Faced Tiger aka Karate Cop aka Karate Cop vs Chuck Norris (no,  we haven’t made up any of those!).

The fact is, Lo Wei, a famed Chinese director (Big Boss, Fist of Fury) wanted to film this movie with Bruce Lee  who kept refusing until he unfortunately died. So instead of a real thing they picked up a kinda look- alike and labeled him  a “Next Action Sensation”. To the best of my knowledge Don Wong (aka Wong Tao) didn’t make another movie (as a lead) in his life.

*all scenes featuring Chuck Norris are covered it this trailer

Young police officer Wong and his black partner John arrest to men for attempt of rape of a young girl, of course using their martial arts expertise (who needs guns anyway). Little while later in the police station young girl, named Sylvia denies all charges and explains “it was all fun”. Confusing start and it just gets weirder. One of the would be rapists kidnaps John in broad daylight just to take him to the beach where he is confronted with numerous adversaries. Let the Kung Fu begin! Johns wife calls Wong and our hippie Bruce Lee– wannabe is momentarily on the way. He makes it in time but unfortunately kills one of the assailants and is almost immediately kicked off the force by his Captain Newman and even incarcerated for a year (?) , obviously if you’re Chinese self- defense doesn’t exist as an excuse.

https://youtu.be/lDt7j9CkddA

Next thing we know Wong is now a free man and works as a waiter in a Chinese Restaurant. Unexpectedly a Big Bad Boss of Crime (during the whole movie it is never revealed what kind of crime… it’s just crime)  Chuck Norris aka Chuck Slaughter as he’s known here drops by with his goons obviously hungry for some Chinese…  Then after some usual “lets torture the waiter” routine he blatantly offers a job in his empire of crime to Wong. Wong is dumbfounded and he naturally refuses, and of course something like that can only end in tears. Soon enough Chuck threatens to kill Wong, obviously not able to cope with rejection too good.

 

After being obliterated by alcohol with Wong one evening his now ex-partner John head home in predictably slow pace and somewhere in the way witnesses some men running away from a bank robbery. He pursues the robbers and soon confronts them. They seem confused, and seem content to fight with him bare- handed until one of them suddenly remembers he’s got a gun. What proceeds is the worst scene of shooting in a cinematic history.There is no recoil, gun is obviously a toy and a black dude’s reaction is telling me that a mosquito accidentally bit him at the same moment we hear the gunshot. Chinese man doesn’t shoot again, he decides to forget their original plan (escape as far as you can) and decides to pursue John. They eventually catch him in some random backyard and beat him till death (with bare hand of course).

slaughter6

Next morning the body is found and Newman being a racist that he is throws Mr. Chu and his wive to jail, their only crime being that 01. The murder took place on their property 02. they are Chinese. Wongs swears a vengeance and then randomly beats a lot of people until he finally finds out the horrible truth- Captain Newman is working for Chuck Slaughter!!!! (Que in the dramatic music) Wong kills Newman in the ferocious and somewhat ridiculous fight and then tries to warn Chu’s lawyer but alas it is already too late.

In all that confusion Chu’s only daughter Sylvia (probably the same girl that was not- raped in the beginning- never explained) menages to run of with Slaughter Jr. aka Chuck Norris’s not so evil brother. Well, Chuck “plays the parts he plays- for real” as the trailer said and tries to force his brothers girl to have sex with him. She narrowly escapes, menages to contacts Wong and he bravely marches into Slaughter residence and confronts Big Bad Boss of Crime himself. Why did he have to wait so much to do that -beats me!

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Chow demonstrates his strength and determination by offing some goons and then breaking a shovel- part by part and then Chuck and Chow fight in a obviously non- choreographed or rushedly choreographed scene (typical for Hong Kong movies at the time) and in the middle of  usual punching/kicking combinations they succeed to end up in the fountain, completely wet and already funny fight becomes completely hilarious! Finally Chow beats Chuck and tries to finish him but fashionably late police force stops him (he probably still has them on the payroll) and the movie abruptly ends.

Can new action sensation Don Wong beat the Big Bad Boss of  Crime, Chuck Norris?

Also, there is an important part of this movie that deserves the whole section just for itself  and that’s the incredible and tragic destiny of Mr. Chu.

You see,  Mr. Chu is very old man whose suffering starts right after Chuck Norris’s thugs tossed away a dead body into his backyard. Mr. Chu found a body and called a police. Corrupted cop came in and started interrogation. It looked like the old Mr. Chu was gonna get away (he didn’t do anything anyway, for that matter) but suddenly, without any solid explanation, he went to the backroom with his wife. Following her advice (this was the biggest mistake; never follow woman’s advice) he tried to bribe a cop (?!) with 1000 dollars despite the fact that he is completely innocent. That’s when real hell broke lose. Cop became suspicious and gave him several slaps. After full contact argue with his host, cop placed him under arrest. After coming to jail Mr. Chu had been constantly beaten, insulted, beaten, tortured, beaten, brutally interrogated, discriminated, beaten, deprived of any human rights and beaten some more. One of more ridiculous (and hilarious) moments in the film is scene where Mr. Chu is taken to his cell. When he asked for a phone call cop yelled to him “You are making trouble here!” following with many many many brutal hits into the old man’s belly. With expression of complete confusion on his face Mr Chu threatened with court. With pure hatred  in his eyes cop replied with a stone called face “You won’t live enough to see a court”. We failed to see exact reason for such hate towards poor old man who even tried to bribe a cop despite a fact that he didn’t have to. Movie ends before revealing the final destiny of Mr. Chu so we  can only presume that he is still in jail cell being tortured over and over again…

       Various examples of suffering of poor Mr. Chu

Verdict: this movie is extremely hard to find but it’s absolutely worth the effort! Chuck Norris should have been a deranged villain in every movie he ever made!

The Octagon (1980)

Posted: 27/08/2012 in Trash movies
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You find that ninjas are cool? That’s OK. You find that Chuck Norris is cool? That’s OK too. But what happens when you put those 2 things together? I’ll tell you what… You get complete garbage which sends the studio which made it into bankruptcy! Tho I have no doubts that American Cinema was already hanging by a thin thread.

In this movie Chuck Norris is a ninja sent by ninja to destroy a band of terrorist ninjas. Sounds fun and simple, right? Well there are a couple of things that make watching this monstrosity a good bit harder. First, echo monologues inside Chuck’s head. Every fucking 3 minutes we are getting his echo saying “Ninjas, Ninjas”. You would think that he finally got  insane after couple of those monologues. But no, that’s just the way Chuck thinks…

Second, his Japanese brother Sakura. Yes, you heard well, Japanese!!!  How the hell he’s got a Japanese brother it was never explained. Nor I think it would be possible to explain without questioning the honesty of his mother (and we’re smart enough not to go there). Oh yes, did I mention that his brother is a leader of international band of terrorist ninjas against whom Chuck is  fighting in this movie? I didn’t? Oh well, some families are just weirder than others.

Chuck is also a bit of a ladies man in this movie. The fact that one of the ladies gets brutally killed and he doesn’t really mind, and finds himself a next one ( a raven haired agent chick) in a mater of minutes would be impressive if it wasn’t so damn awkward and nonsensical. But that’s Chuck for you- he can do anything, I mean ANYTHING but act!

  “We can all guess who’s that man, can’t we?”

One more thing… Legendary Lee Van Cleef (of  The Good, the Bad, the Ugly fame) was also in this movie. It remains a mystery to me how he managed to remain a true professional and play it completely seriously until the end of filming of this brain-raper! My hat is off to him.

Verdict: If you have a strange need to see some ninjas throwing it down with the Chuck watch this clip, Norris and Richard Norton (in his first film role) make the final fight entertaining enough to watch. Everything else- AVOID AT ALL COST IF YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SANITY!

Tribute To Cannon Films (1967-1993)

Posted: 26/08/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
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Around the late 70s Cannon Inc. had hit serious financial difficulties, and naturally previous owners sold Cannon as fast as they could. Cousins Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus bought Canon for whooping price of 500,000 dollars! The two cousins than  forged a “magnificent” business model which consisted of buying bottom-barrel scripts that lingered (seemingly for all times) in development hell and putting them rapidly into  production. Of course they paired an (at best) third rate script with a second rate director, ridiculous budget and a STAR, by that I mean: ( INCREDIBLY old) Charles Bronson/ Chuck Norris and/or Michael Dudikoff.

At certain point (at the time of filming of Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren) they had about 84 movies in development- to put things into perspective the most films any other studio had in production was Warner Brothers and they had 6 movies!!!  They also held the rights for Spiderman movie until the late 80s but the movie was never produced (and we can all agree it was for the best).

 By the beginning of the 90s their “perfect” system FINALLY came crashing down and they called it a day with a Albert Pyun’s Cyborg (staring young Van Damme) made on the sets of failed Masters sequel. MGM of course came to offer an assistance and a merger of studios ensued but MGM couldn’t really help themselves let alone anybody else.

*In late 2011 it was revealed that Australian director Mark Hartley is working on a documentary about Cannon Films called Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films.”

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