Posts Tagged ‘Jurassic Park’

In 1993 Roger Corman produced a cash in off Jurassic Park, the infamous Carnosaur (see the previous post). As you might have guessed it was the worst imaginable rip off of the said film- with it’s sole original ideal ( terrible one at that)- combining dinosaurs with their small and simple descendants- chickens! Either way the above mentioned movie had couple of equally terrible sequels and then the franchise finally died never to return again. Or is it? In 2001 the B movie guru decided that the time was right  or another dinosaur flick so he just took the footage of his old Carnosaur film (and couple of it’s sequels) spliced it with a soft core porno scene and added Eric Roberts  (thankfully not in the porno scene).

First we have death of teenagers directly lifted from from Carosaurs. Being drunk and horny teenagers fall easy prey to the dinosaur who makes quick work of them. What is the meaning of this? We’ll find out soon enough. Sheriff , Eric Roberts is on the case, along with ugly blond chick, wildlife reserve Marshall or something. Roberts advises his young daughter (also a secretary) not to mess with the deputies and next thing you know we get something like 20 minutes of  sex out of nowhere.Young couple (including Robert’s innocent daughter of course) finally gets interrupted by a dinosaur roar! When the dude goes to check  on the situation he gets mauled by a stop motion toy dinosaur which then attacks the sexy secretary. Secretary escapes in the last possible moment but the car ends up  under the bridge.

Marathon sex scene …including 4 times repeated booby licking scene

Roberts finds his porno daughter  but she is  in the state of shock and is almost comatosed (I guess we won’t see her humping other deputies any time soon). He goes to pick up the ugly blond chick- and doesn’t seem too concerned with his daughter’s condition. Meanwhile  an Evil scientist/boss sends his fledgling in the laser room (???) where he gets eaten alive by the mysterious T-Rex Aplha. Roberts investigates the evil Eunice Corporation (manufacturers of chickens by day, cloning super smart dinosaurs by night* Ironically smart dinos is the idea that was later re-used in the second part of much more successful franchise of Jurassic Park.

            Alpha T-Rex enjoys clubbing in his free time

After learning that doctors name is Dr Hyde (hell yeah!) Roberts begins to suspects something.   Ugly blond chick wakes up the porno daughter with a recording of a dinosaur roar (that she has in her possession for some reason. She explains what happened in a funny whiny voice and the doctor finds her delusional. Then blond chick gets all worked up and tries to get on top of Roberts but he decides that he would rather break into the evil corporation headquarter than plow her. But we still get to see her in her lingerie.

Black deputy decides to do some work without his fearless leather Roberts and as with any supporting character of African descent he gets ripped apart by an evil creature. He gets to wound the dino in the process so giving the circumstances we can call it a small victory. Also he is 10 years younger in that scene which suggests another borrowed scene from Carnosaur.

Ugly blond chick examines the deputy’s corpse and finds a dinosaur tooth. After that Roberts is determent more than ever to bring down the Eunice Corporation. Roberts  serves Hyde a warrant and he of course denies everything  and talks some donkey poo about us being genetically  related to cats! Blondie accuses him of cloning dinosaur a he pulls a gun at her… and Roberts being a gentleman surrenders. Hyde captures them instead of just offing them right there.  Military decides to stop him, because they first started the project and don’t want to be involved in a scandal. They call Delta Command (unfortunately without Chuck Norris).


In the meantime the Robert’s got a ace up his sleeve. He put lady deputy/secretary in charge of shutting down the power in Eustice in the case they don’t come back in couple of hours. in the meantime Marines land of the premises all gang ho mood and  then you know the shit hit the fan. Without the electricity the cool lasers that keep dinosaurs at bay disappear and the army of super- smart dinos start destroying everything in their path, mostly marines.Commander smartly decides to simplify the mission and blow everything up.


Military chick tries to get a helicopter in the air but strangely there is a dinosaur on the back seat!!! Helicopter of course drops down and explodes but succeeds to kill one of the evil scientist in the process. Sheriff teams up with the Delthas and they work together to get past dinos before it’s too late. Also two of the soldiers go all genocidal on the dinosaur eggs and get the big mommy T- Rex on their feet- to make thing even worse. Evil Dr. Hyde seemingly escapes just to be decapitated by a mommy T- Rex- who experience the similar fate when Roberts jumps in to save the day with a bulldozer). Facility finally blows up, soldiers go away and Robert takes the ugly blond chick home for some gradituos sex we presume …and all is good with the world. Or is it?

Just keep hammering away and soon enough you’ll be extinct too!

In 1993, just one year after the legendary Jurassic Park world famous B- Movies maestro Roger Corman had an answer for it. Adaptation of  John Brosnan’s Carosaur (although the final product shared only the title with the book and almost nothing else). Brosnan was first approached to write the screenplay by Roger Corman’s wife Julie, who formalized the deal at Brosnan’s drinking club, and drew the contract on a bar napkin to seal the deal! You know you’re getting something legendary with a start like that!

See, from a dawn of time man wanted to solve the mystery of dinosaurs. The problem is that they are extincted and bones give you only a limited pool of information. So, why not clone them? Ok, I can dig that.  But cloning them using a chickens is absolutely idiotic!!!  And that’s just what the evil corporation EUNICE (we know it’s evil since they got ‘infinite’ sign under their logo) does! Their employees drive around the trucks full of chicken. But those aren’t an ordinary chickens. No, those are MAD chickens!!! Something is clearly bothering them. Not surprising when we learn that the chairman of EUNICE is some insane old woman (interestingly the mother of the Laura Dern, the Jurassic Park actress) . During the unloading  of trucks one  mutated chicken brakes loose and starts the rampage. By breaking loose I mean on exiting it’s eggshell and attacking truck driver in orgies of blood. I believe we got the answer on question that had been troubling scientists for centuries – what is more lethal: the chicken or egg?

Escaped hatchling disappears into the desert. Local cowboy, who happens to be black (?!) finds the body of disemboweled truck driver. While investigation stands still, mutated chicken strikes again!!! This time victims are 3 drunk and horny teenagers. They were on their picnic in the desert (I guess infinite sight of sand and nothingness really turns them on). They made a quick stop on some sand hill in order to start another orgies (regular orgies this time, not in blood). While some guy and his girlfriend had their share of hot sun in the car, the third one went out to take a piss and finish his last beer (and i mean really LAST). He throws away empty beer bottle and starts emptying his hose. It turns out that the mutated chicken has been really pissed off by such negligence towards nature environment since it attacked our boy and bit off his wang. Let this be a lesson to you kids – always recycle or you could end up dickless. Mutated chicken is still hungry after previous sausage feast so it decided it’s time for main course. Yes, that’s right. Our lovers will have honor to satisfy our friend’s hunger. As it always happens to be, they got attacked on a highlight of their “socializing”. More orgies of blood, guts and some boobs. On it’s way home our pet sweetens the meal with an extra- two cops.

      ” Hello, I am  John Carl Buechler and this is  my friend, the Carosaur…”

We are back to EUNICE  quarters. It seems that chickens production is nothing else than a cover. A bad cover if I might add. Apparently EUNICE is secret government company who are also the leaders in biological research. We see secret room with a lasers and one full grown dinosaur who’s size rapidly changes from scene to scene. Dino-disco as we call it. Insane old woman apparently knows about this case even more than a her bosses from government. In the meantime police had found a bodies of teenagers and their colleagues. Blood and guts everywhere, disemboweled bodies, torned off body parts – and their main suspect is bobcat!!! How original!!! They might as well close the case.

The Prime Suspect!

Now back to killing. Despite the recent murders, a couple of hippies tied up themselves in a desert as part of their protest against nature pollution and EUNICE experiments. Of course, mutated chicken , which is now full grown dinosaur, didn’t  want to offend hippies by rejecting such an open invitation for another feast and attacks them in the worst stop motion attempt of all times!!! Those hippies will never learn.
Something is rotten in this town. We are now in cowboy’s house, when he tries to prepare his breakfast. One egg after another – all bad eggs. But not an ordinary bad eggs….these one are green and their stench is poisonous. One even had a dino- hatchling inside. One of insane woman coworkers (our main hero, btw) comes to investigate this. After series of tests he came to conclusion that he doesn’t know a shit about this so he decides to confront his boss. She told him that she developed a special virus which makes women to give a birth to dinosaurs (as can be seen in following scenes)!!!

Giving birth to a dinosaur, not an easy task!

Why then testing it on a chickens, you may ask. Beats a hell out of me if I know!!! Anyway, she claims that humans have destroyed nature order and that she just tries to restore a balance to nature. How can this be true? Dinosaurs are gone long before humans even existed. A smart person shouldn’t be this dumb. She meets her end after giving a birth after she previously infected herself. Well, that’s a dedicated scientist.
But it seems that her plan works. Women from all over the town are giving a birth to hatchlings after which they die. How did they become infected remains a mystery to me. By eating a bad eggs, perhaps? Hm, never mind that. In this moment, town has been occupated by US army, who have come to kill a chicken. Says enough about US army skills, don’t you agree?
Outside, cowboy is fighting an escaped hatchling. He got deadly wounded but manages, with his last strength, to shoot a dino in the head with his shotgun. A bloody end for the both of them. But this is not end of troubles for good people in this small town. Not by far. Remember a laser room? A genuine dinosaur (something like T-rex) had escaped by breaching a thick steel wall with it’s head (?!). Our main hero had come just in time for the final battle. He sits in a bulldozer toy. In following 10 minutes we observe a fight between bulldozer toy and dinosaur toy.

The Eternal struggle between a Dinosaur and a Bulldozer!

The winner is scientist since he managed to impale dino with buldozer forks for a several times, ending it’s existence with the most ridiculous catchphrase of all times “I hate wildlife”. He got rewarded for all of his troubles. He was firstly riddled with bullets and then torched! No good goes unpunished it seems!
Verdict:  The Government decided to destroy all evidence of the dinosaur invasion, if only they  destroyed this movie too this world would have been a happier place.