As it was tradition for the longest time (up until sometime in 2010s) the new Deathstalker movie has a Music Video!Chuck Cirino, the veteran composer who wrote the original (and the most memorable) theme for Deathstalker II is back with the new franchise composer Bear McCreary (Battlestar Galactica, Walking Dead OST), his brother vocalist Brandon McCreary, drummer Gene Hoglan (Death, Dark Angel, Testament, Metalocalypse), bassist Pete Griffin (Steve Vai), guitarist Omer Ben-Zvi and of course the movie’s co- producer Slash of Guns N’ Roses fame on lead guitar.
I knew the theme would kick-ass but a heavy rocked up version w/ vocals is an awesome surprise!
Song is also a part of the upcoming EP paired up with a Radio Version of the theme and also a songWalking Alone by the actress/ singer Nina Bergman, and it can be pre- ordered right here. For those in the US and Canada Deathstalker (2025) is playing in select theaters startingtoday and hopefully for us across the pond Europe release won’t be far behind.
In case the recent teaser posterwasn’t enough for you, Shout! Studios just put out the first trailer for the new Deathstalker and it doesn’t disappoint. For those of us missing the 80s cheeseBarbarian flicks in our lives this is a breath of fresh air.
In Deathstalker, the Kingdom of Abraxeon is under siege by the Dreadites, heralds of the long-dead sorcerer Nekromemnon. When Deathstalker recovers a cursed amulet from a corpse-strewn battlefield, he’s marked by dark magick and hunted by monstrous assassins. To survive, he must break the curse and face the rising evil. Death is just the beginning… of great adventure!
Also, notice the Albert Pyun‘s Sword and the Sorcerereaster egg at the end there- wasn’t expecting that one!
After the recent news that Shout! Studios bought the U.S. rights for the new Deathstalker movie staring Daniel Bernhardt just before it’s premiere on Locarno Festival (Switzerland) we finally have the release date for the movie too! North American release date is October 10 with Shout! handling U.S. and Raven Banner handling it’s native Canada.
Japanese and German- speaking territories rights were also sold at the Locarno Festival with more to follow.
With this and the long gestatingRed Sonja reboot (coming out today!!!) this is shaping up to be a fun year for Sword and Sorcery fans. (And that’s not even counting the comicbook side with the titular Deathstalker from Vault Comics, Titan’s Conan and Savage Sword of Conan and Dynamite’s Fire and Ice.)
After a successful Kickstarter campaign for the Deathstalkercomicbook (via Vault Comics/ Slash Presents) we could sense a possibility of a new Deathstalker moviein an air. If fact the comic was first sign of life for the Roger Corman- created property in more than 33 years!
And now it comes to pass– newDeathstalker movie is in pre- production and about to start filming very, very soon.
Hopefully the official poster will look exactly like this
Stalwart of the 90s Martial Arts cinema (Bloodsport II,True Vengence, Perfect Target) Bernhardt transitioned into more of a badass villain roles in ’00s starting with Matrix Reloaded all up to John Wick, Parker, Atomic Blond and most recently Extraction 2. In recent years he also branched out as a Action Choreographer working on such films as Creed 2, Nobody and again Extraction 2.
Filming is about to start in late April written and directed by Steven Kostanski (Psycho Goreman, The Void) and I sure hope someone saved those pigmen costumes, ’cause it wouldn’t be a Deathstalker movie without them! (Hopefully the OG DeathstalkerRick Hill can make an appearance too.)
Lacking in quips and memorable moments, we’ve arrived at the series’ blandest offering, but let’s see if we can unearth any goodness. Here we go: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell.
Yeah right
The movie starts with an evil barbarian horde pillaging a village because that’s how all these kinds of movies start. People die, a hero rises from the ashes and has to crush the evil. Like the other films, Deathstalker III introduces a new lead actor to the title role. This time it’s John Allen Nelson, a far less brutish leading man than initial lead Rick Hill. He spends the duration of the film’s 86 minutes trying out different accents, none of which work. After meeting the beautiful Princess Carissa (played by Carla Herd), Deathstalker is entrusted with a valuable jewel, one of three such items that will unlock a magical city, Erendor. Hm collecting three powers to unlock new power? Now, that sounds familiar. I guess lead actors are changing but the concept of these movies remains the same. Also there is some wizard named Nicias (played by Aaron Hernan) who is supposed to help them but disappears at the beginning of the movie the moment shit hits the fan.
The princess is nonetheless killed by a few of the unknowing soldiers and passes the stone and knowledge on to Deathstalker. But wait, he still has a chance to get a job done since later he meets the twin sister of Carissa (how convenient), the feisty Princess Elizena who was sent from the North to marry evil wizard Troxartas (played by Thom Christopher). Troxartas is also after the stones. Deathstalker escapes into the wilderness, where he finds shelter with a couple of nomad women (a mother, and a daughter Marinda who is played by Claudia Inchaurregui). Peculiar thing about these women is that they eat only potatoes and nothing else than potatoes. Plus they are disgusted by any idea of killing animals for a purpose of eating. You see, back in those days vegans were safely isolated deep in woods, far from any civilization. Anyway, Deathstalker develops a brief relationship with Marinda, who gives him a horse. The mother is outraged, so when Troxartas’ henchman Makut (played by Agustín Salvat) appears in pursuit of Deathstalker, she tips him off. Troxartas learns that Deathstalker is the one who is causing problems. The sorcerer resurrects the defeated dead in order to finally get vengeance upon Deathstalker.
One potato, two potatoes…
Deathstalker trails her back to Troxartas’ castle where he is supposed to marry her. Deathstalker is found out, however, and Troxartas gets the stone. The sorcerer finds that a third stone is needed to release the powers of the stones. Troxartas’ mistress Camisarde (played by Terri Treas) tortures Deathstalker to gain information, but he escapes to the woods. He runs into Marinda, and a group of the warriors who Troxartas has resurrected in order to conquer him. Deathstalker learns that the evil wizard keeps dead warriors’ souls in jars stored in the castle along with captured Nicias. Deathstalker promises that he will release their souls in return for helping him in the battle so Marinda departs for the north in order to recruit more people for the attack.
What do we have here?
When Elizena finds out that she will be killed whenever the third stone is found, she decides to help Deathstalker. The third stone is revealed to be hidden in the castle as well (Troxartas sure likes to keep all valuables in one place). When the reinforcements from the north attack the castle, Deathstalker releases the souls in the jars. The warriors from hell attack Troxartas and his allies. Tho I don’t know why are they called “the warriors from hell”. They look just like a regular people to me. Anyway, great swordfight (nah I am shitting you, it is pretty lame) commences between Deathstalker and Troxartas which ends with the evil wizard being impaled, exploded and eventually disintegrated (?!). Maybe he has returned back to Dimension X or something. The three stones are reunited and the ancient city of Erendor is revealed.
Conclusion: Lacking in action, memorable characters and a fun pace, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell is easily the worst entry in the series. The new Deathstalker has no charisma and the film lacks a strong villain. You just can’t take the bald man in tight pants to be evil wizard for serious. In the first two films, there was a large variety of foes including a pig man, zombies and trolls. Deathstalker 3 has the undead army, but they only show up at the end and their screen time is limited. The soundtrack is also unspectacular, with the main theme being recycled from several other Roger Corman produced films. Yes, this is too weak even by Corman’s standards. Even the cover shows an illustration no doubt intended for “Conan the Barbarian” book. This film is sad. Really sad.
In news that no one expected Slash of Guns N’ Roses ( and formerly Velvet Revolver, Slash’sSnakepit) is getting a comicbook label by Vault Comics – and his first project is something right in our wheelhouse.
It’s none other thanDeathstalker, a series that has of course been a mainstay out our blog, especially the movies featuring the original actor Rick Hill ( althoughDeathstalker II has it’s moments). It originally began as a co- production between legendary B- movie producer Roger Corman and the Argentinian producer Hector Olivera. It ended up being such a success that they did full ten movies together- including another one of out favorites-Barbarian Queen featuring Deathstalker actress Lana Clarkson.
“I’m excited to be kicking off a new era of Deathstalker. From Tim Seeley, artist Jim Terry, writer-director-creature FX-wizard Steven Kostanski, and myself, our Deathstalker is a reimagining of that fine specimen of ’80s sword and sorcery. With fantasy, you get a little of everything: horror, magic, sex, thrills, blood, guts, swords, and weirdness. You know—all those things you can’t look away from. And that’s what we’re bringing. So—please—if you share my love of all things wicked, check it out!”- SLASH
Deathstalker and Slash have been admiring each other’s work since the 80s!
Cover by Jim Terry
Like the man said creative team on the book is lead by Steven Kostanski (Psycho Goreman), writer Tim Seeley (Hack/ Slash, Masters of the Multiverse) and the artist Jim Terry (The Crow: Skinning of the Wolfs, West on Sundown).
You can see more art exclusively on Fangoria and you can find a pre-save for the deluxe edition Kickstarter campaign here and you’ll be notified when it starts on the 10. 10. 2023.
With the Avatar: The Way of Water in the news for hitting two billion dollars (and on the verge of unseating Avengers: Infinity War as the 5th highest grossing movie of all time) I think its about time we go all the way back to the beginning of James Cameron‘s illustrious directing career and no I’m not talking about the Terminator(1984).
You see Cameron originally began his career as a poster illustrator and the miniature model builder for non other than B-movie legend Roger Corman. He graduated to being an art director for Corman‘s probably most expensive movie at a time (still pretty modest by regular standards) Battle Beyond the Stars (1980) and more notably did special effects for John Carpenter’s Escape from New York (1981).
He continued working for Corman on movies like Galaxy of Terror but his first opportunity do direct opened up when the director for Piranha (another Corman production) sequel Piranha II: The Spawning (love the title) left the production after clashing with the producer Ovidio Assonitis. Cameron would then be upgraded from special effect director to regular director and the rest is history. Well, not quite yet- we’ll get back to you on that…
Cameron’s sketch via Icollector.com
So, the movie starts with we kid you not- an underwater sex scene. Young couple decided that it would be a good idea to do it close to a sunken US ship. As you can presume- it doesn’t end well. They get attacked by the mysterious creatures and soon there’s blood in the water.
Then we cut back to a black man called Gabbi and his son fishing using dynamite. Steve, the police officer catches them but let’s them go with a warning.
Diving instructor Anne‘s student is one of the victims, but her estranged husband Steve (Lance Henricksen) who’s a police officer refuses to let her see the body. So, naturally she decides to ignore him and break into a morgue? That’s not rational thinking, quite the opposite. Tyler Sherman, tourist who can’t stop hitting on her also tags along.
They actually manage to enter the morgue but the nurse catches them and throws them out. Unfortunately she not knowingly seals her own fate- turns out one of the piranhas was hiding inside the body!? I mean, who’s really prepared for that. It bursts from the corpse like a damn Alien and the nurse is toast.
I love how the piranha just escapes trough the window when it’s done!
Anne on the other side gets a bit more lucky. She finally accepts Tyler’s advances and has a one night stand with him. Unfortunately her estranged husband shows up, turns out she lost her credit card in the morgue/ scene of the crime.
She tries to warn him about her suspicions but he is too angry (with her having another man in her bed) to really listen.
Anne desperately tries to cancel all the diving lessons but that only gets her fired. Tyler finally confesses that he isn’t here just as tourist, he is actually a biochemist who was on the team that developed a genetically modified piranhas, capable of flying (although actual flying fish glide- not fly like the birds but that’s B-movie logic for you). He suspected the cylinder of the fish they lost is the reason for the killings and he is proven right.
Gabby’s son ends up being the victim of the piranhas too and he decides that the only way to stop them is with dynamite. Anne tries to dissuade him but there’s no changing his mind.
To make things worse the manager Raul insist annual fish fry must go on- with disastrous results.
Anne and Tyler decide that the only way to end this is of course- take all that Gabby’s dynamite (Gabby also unfortunately met his son’s fate) and blow up the ship wreckage and all the piranhas with it.
In the meantime Steve (in a police helicopter) keeps searching for their son with the who in a completely unrelated and unnecessary plot point ends up stranded with a young, hot daughter of a rich British boat owner Dumont. I mean he probably got a better deal than most of the folks in this movie.
Anne and Tyler manage to dive to the wreckage and plant the device but they end up attacked by piranhas and end u stuck in the boat with a timer on a bomb still running.Tyler doesn’t make it out and ends up eaten alive but Anne manages to reach the surface just in time. There she is helped by Steve who found the young couple so I guess- family reunited (if only Tyler didn’t have to die for that to happen)!
Verdict: this movie suffers (for better or worse) from the usual 80’s syndrome, so expect lots of crude sexual jokes, idiotic characters and nonsensical plot points that go absolutely nowhere. On the other hand they are moments where Cameron’s potential shines through, the scenes of underwater photography are masterfully done and it’s pretty incredible that we can still see some of those elements in his movies some 40 years later.
Virtually Identical!
Epilogue: After an apparent food poising in Rome and struck with a high fever, Cameron had a vivid nightmare about a chrome skeleton burning in a fire – the rest is history.
JAMES CAMERON'S first sketch of THE TERMINATOR, which came to him in a fevor dream. He awoke and drew this. pic.twitter.com/ygRLImWAFg
I remember one reviewer noticing that in the 90’s Roger Corman would seemingly blindly hand out a contract to any Pro- Kickboxer who came knocking at his door. Now, honestly Corman was far from being the only one guilty of this. 80’s and 90’s had a surging VHS market and Action/ Martial Arts film were way more mainstream then these days so lots of Pro- fighters did have their 15 minutes of fame (or a 5- movie deal) and here’s some interesting examples for you:
05. Curtis Bush (42- 10- 02 KB)
We purposely decided to lead with the most obscure name off the list and that’s Curtis Bush. Bush was a lanky southpaw fighter with a background in Tang Soo Do (also Chuck Norris‘s first art). He amassed the pro record of 42 wins, 10 loses and 2 draws and also competed in Pro Boxing in parallel.
Beside being a four division champion he also had a burning desire to be in the movies. But, it seems that tall, mustachioed dudes just weren’t the flavor of the day.
He had a small part of a deranged poacher (killed by the star Michael McNamara) in Canadian action movie Dragon Hunt (1990). He also played parts of Foot Soldiers in the first two TMNT movies: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1991) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze (1991). He then tried his hand on the small screen with a TV adaptation of Patrick Swayze’s Roadhouse– that was canceled after only four episodes!
This has to be one of greatest covers to ever grace a VHS tape
But what really makes him worthy of this list is his passion project: The Dark Angel: Psycho Kickboxer! Made for just 10 000 dollars over the course of 5 years Psycho Kickboxer is a real treat for B-movie lovers like us. I mean who can say no to a seemingly deranged manin a Ninja costume running all over town and preventing random acts of violence (with even more violence). It’s painfully low budget and nonsensical but man- it’s a it’s so fun to watch.
Look at him go!
Now, you could say that his acting career went nowhere but he did have background roles as military personnel in couple of big movies in recent times (Battleship, Godzilla) and IMDB does show him as an Admiral in Godzilla vs. Kong (2020), so it seems Psycho finally got the last laugh.
04. Kathy Long (18-1 KB, 2-0 MMA)
Kung Fu San Soo and Aikido practitioner and a pioneer of female Kickboxingin America with an 18-1record holding WKA, WMAC, ISKA and KICK titles.
She was even a commentator in the first ever UFC event (1993) – even thou she smartly decided not to comment too much– leaving the other absolute Martial Arts legend Bill “Superfoot” Wallace to keep embarrassinghimself (famously mispronouncing UFC as Ultimate Fighting Challenge).
Her most significant contribution to the world of film was actually being a stunt/ fight double for Michelle Pfeiffer‘s Catwoman in ‘92‘s Batman Returns by Tim Burton.
Also in ’92 she also appeared as a villain in Rage and Honor featuring Cynthia Rothrock and (our personal favorite) Richard Norton and continued with couple of leads in movies such as post- apocalypticKnights (1993) and The Stranger (1995). In ’97 she again showed up with Richard Norton in a fun Australian action movie called Under The Gun aka Iron Fist.
She even dabbled back into the competition pool (having come full circle) by having two MMA fights in 2009 and again in 2015. Second one was particularly impressive, wining a fight at 50 years old against an opponent roughly half her age! Definitely an accomplishment.
Even thou her dramatic acting chops where never even remotely sharp as her fighting chops I’m definitely not changing the channel when I see her on a TV.
03. Gary Daniels (31-04 AKB, 04- 01 KB)
Gary Daniels started as a British Taekwondo practitioner who was famously too brutal for the sport so he eventually transitioned to Amateur and then Pro Kickboxing (even capturing PKA and WKBA titles). His most famous lead role is in Hokuto No Ken aka Fist of the Northstar that despite it’s budget constraints turned out to be a surprisingly faithful manga adaptation. Unfortunately it wasn’t widely distributed in the US and is today relegated to a Cult Classic status.
He would go on to be the star in countless Kickboxing movies on VHS either as a Hero or as a Villain but beside a Hong Kong stint or two (see Jackie Chan’s City Hunter) his big break wouldn’t happen for years and years…. Not until Stallone chose him to be an Eric Roberts‘s henchman in the first The Expendables (2010). Even in a star- crowded movie like that he did get to shine especially in an excellent two against one fight scene with Jet Li and Jason Statham.
He went on to share the screen with Eric Roberts and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin again in Hunt To Kill and was perfectly cast as a video game character Bryan Fury in not so perfect Tekken (2010). All of that positioned him to the upper levels of action B-movie market in the ’10s and he even returned to his native England for a pair of movies like Skin Traffik (2015)– again with Roberts (Rourke and Hannah too) and I Am Vengeance (2018) where he went against the WWE superstarStu Bennet aka Wade Barrett.
But still, being a legit badass (he traveled all the way to Thailand to have a pro Muay Thai match when he was almost 50) with a cool British accent you’d think the sky is the limit, and because of that I feel that he never really fulfilled his true potential.
02. Jerry Trimble (29-2-2 KB)
Trimble started his film career in the 80’s armed with an annoying high- pitched voice, long blond hair and all the sidekicks, hook kicks and spin-kicks you can possibly imagine.
Now, differently then some of the other folks in this list over the years he eventually developed actual acting chops (but he can still pull out those spin kicks from his arsenal if need be) confirmed- by the fact that he is still successfully working today in both film and TV.
Recommended viewing: any of his collaborations with the Filipino Action Maestro Cirio H. Santiago like One Man Army (1994) or Stranglehold (1994). And if you’re really into our kind of craziness he can be seen in Corman produced StarQuest II.
It’s also worth noting that he is adversary in early Jet Li film The Master (1992) where he is at his mighty mulleted ass- kicking best, then his career altering appearance in famed thriller Heat(1995) and of course going toe for toe with Austin 3:16 himself in “Stone Cold” Steve Austin VS Dolph Lundgren feature The Package.
For an American Kickboxer with golden pants- he sure went far.
Trivia:The Package(2013) was actually directed by Jesse V. Johnsonwho’s slowly but surely becoming a real force to be reckoned with in the action movie industry with films such as British comicbook– adaptation Accident Man(2018) and the Asian Expendables awesomeness that is Triple Threat (2019).
01. Don “The Dragon” Wilson (72-5-2KB)
To circle back to the start with Mr. Roger Corman, there’s one kickboxer in particular who made more movies with Corman than anyone else. His name is of course Don “The Dragon” Wilson. Coming from a Kung Fu Pai Lum Kung Fu and Goju-ryuKaratebackground he competed in Kickboxing on and off until 2002 (with his final exhibition match in 2011). He amassed an incredible list of titles: IKF, WKA, KICK, ISKA, STAR and the PKO and with wins over such opponents like Dennis Alexio, Oaktree Edwards and Dick Kimbe he is considered one of the greatest American Kickboxers of all time.
His acting career on the other hand was let’s say- slightly less impressive. He started transitioning to movies with a villain role in 1982 Hong Kong movie New York Chinatown aka Xue xi Tang Ren Jie (1988) and made his debut as a lead with Bloodfist– of course a Roger Corman production directed by Terence H. Winkless. And Bloodfist would continue to be his bread and butter as he filmed 8 parts to date!!! Another stand outs are Ring of Fire movies, featuring other famous Martial Artist like Billy Blanks, Michael Jai White and already mentioned Gary Daniels.
Now for us, we prefer the more obscure and odd moments of his filmography like his forays into SF with Virtual Combat (1995)and let us not forget his horror movie Night Walker(1996) (utilizing shaky cam to the max waybefore it was a fashionable thing to do) with Wilson breaking freaking vampire spines!
After all this time he’s still working and seems to be doing alright for himself but in retrospect he just never had the charisma and elegance of someone like Van Damme that could have pushed him to the real super- stardom. But he did challenge Van Damme to a Kickboxing match, so you got to give him that.
Some of you are too young to remember but in the early days there was nothing more disappointing then your favorite TV show (like Star Trek) starting on TV- just for you to find out it was a clip- show episode and you waited in vain. That kind of a thing would completely ruing your day.
Now, even thou that phenomenon was closely related to TV (live action). Now fair share of TV shows and Hanna Barbera cartoons too made a practice of doing that but in reality there was more than a few movies that implemented that same philosophy. Roger Corman was as guilty of that as much (or more than) anyone else. See Carnosaur/ Raptor for some examples.
When Frank Gallo approached him about directing a non-related sequel to the Starquest aka Terminal Voyage. I imagine he just waved his hand and said “you can use any of my old SF movies for clips and just keep it under budget”.
Movie starts right away with the clip show montage consisting of anything from Archival NASA footage to Corman’s Battle Beyond Stars all the while playing to 90’s dance beats. Can’t go wrong with that but we have no idea what’s going on.
Now, the film’s actual start has 8 people of all different creeds waking up in a mysterious compound. They are not sure where they are or what’s going on and the first thing they all witness a man in a security uniform being electrocuted by something that looks suspiciously like Hall 9000.
Things get a little heated up, a soldier (fan favorite Adam Baldwin) and ex- con Trent (played by a Kickboxing legend Jerry Trimble) almost come to blows. But then a Priest of undisclosed religion (always fantastic Robert Englund) shows up to greet them and clue them in on their situation. Turns out they are in Space.
Another video-montage played by a board computer (set to a soothing soundtrack) explains the crew that humanity has lost it’s way and heralded it’s own destruction. Then the techno music comes in and we are treated to a number of striping and sex scenes. Now, I know some strippers tend to be crazy but I’m pretty sure they are not to blame for the downfall of human civilization.
Then the video shifts to a doctor doing some crazy Re-Animator shit and it abruptly ends with the launch of Omega 4 Spaceship (it’s mission- to save human species). We also see the Alien narrating everything and the costume is funny as it gets (with mouth that can barely move at all). But, that’s Roger Corman/ New Horizons production for you.
Trent and the military personnel get into an argument again but suddenly the ship starts shaking- they are attack by a Reptilian race of aliens (and if conspiracy theories thought us anything,those are the mean ones). Suddenly a cyborg pilot emerges from his sleep and he does his job admirably!
Space fight scene Star Trek- eat your heart out.
Once his done he returns to his chamber. Trent doesn’t like him one bit and can’t wait to star a fight. In the meantime the bold dude and the black chick are plotting behind Father’s back. It seems they knew about the alien attack and they are not pleased with the result.
Lee (Baldwin) and Susan start discussing their fear that the Earth was destroyed– and that’s the reason they are here. They segued directly into the first sex scene of the movie (I guess they decided it’s time to start repopulating). The funniest thing is Baldwin has constant Alien Abduction flashbacks– and he can still keep it up! That’s admirable.
fotka
It turns out the death of the first man wasn’t an accident, ’cause they find the blond soldier woman choked to death too. Trent tries to pressure a bold dude to show him how the ship’s computer works but he activates the cyborg the Protector. Trent gets into a brawl with the cyborg and almost dies but the bold dude ends up dying it the end. “Hall” electrocutes his remains too. Englund seems displeased with the development of the situation.
Suspecting everyone and anyone the rest of the crew capture Trent (using his stripper girlfriend as the bait). Black girl seduces another soldier (what she’s up to) and then stripper starts stripping so this becomes one big soft- core “spectacle” in space.
Baldwin uncovers that he was injected with an alien DNA. Black girl finally shows her true colors and starts killing, but not before getting a lap dance herself. Man, this girl is having a busy night. Hope they tip her well (whatever currency works in space). She and Englund get into an argument which fraction really cares for human- Trent solves the conflict by shooting them up both. Unfortunately he dies himself trying to finish the girl off.
After they are left alone Alien flight attendant video shows up again and we have some more psychedelic imagery (not really the 2001 Space Odyssey level but still).
Verdict: As far as clip show movies go– this one makes no sense but is definitely a good fun- and the cast is surprisingly solid.
And as much as I’m an Adam Baldwin fan (Firefly, Chuck, The Last Ship) my favorite parts of the movie are Jerry Trimble scenes- he finally gets to do some acting in this one in addition to his kickboxing arsenal and he comes across like one of those disturbed gang members from Death Wish III. And also his on- screen girlfriend/ stripper Jeannie Millar is a real sight to behold. I was really disappointed to find she didn’t make that much movies (except couple Black Scorpion ones for Corman, again) before her untimely death.
Vampirela was for the longest time my white whale something that for years and years seemed just about impossible to find.From the days of VHS tapes to the early dial-up internet and primitive peer to pear sharing programs (remember WinMX) all the way up to the almighty Russian piracy sites. You could find a cover or a clip or a throwaway line about how bad it is but that was all. Now that technology has finally caught up with the elusive film (even here in Balkans) it is time for better or for the worst to watch the damned thing!
Vampirella by one of my all- time favorite artist: Rudy Nebres
First we start with a bit of a history. Vampirella started her life as a comicbook character created by legendary Forrest J. Ackerman in 1969 for Warren’s Publishing company of Horror Magazines (Eerie and Creepy) fame. Warren fell on some hard times and as we learned watching many B-movies, that’s noting asexy girl can’t fix– especially if she’s also a vampire. Now, some really talented artist worked on Vampirella and fair share of the comic was a visual treat but even the original 70’s version didn’t have the most impressive writing. We’ll get back to that in a moment.
Strangely the actual costume in the movie doesn’t look anything like this.
We start our story, 30 centuries ago on a planet Drakulon ( actually footage from Not of This Earth, another Corman production) And yes that’s her actual origin story, since redconed because no one can make the idea of space vampires work. The ruler of the futuristic vampiric world (cheap Christopher Lee knock-off , strange because Christopher Lee himself wasn’t that expensive in the early 90’s) wearing plastic vampire teeth explains to his daughter how in the old days vampires would drain one another to drink (that actually doesn’t make any sense) and now they are technologically superior and they use Drakonic organic blood rivers and streams. There’s so much wrong with that idea that I can’t even begin to explain it.
Of course they cut straight to the person who disobeyed the rule and drank from other vampires. He is also called Vlad just to make thing super clear. Just when they were about to execute him his compatriots break in and he kills the ruler. Desperate, the princess Ella vows to avenge her father (thus becoming Vampirella, cleaver ha?) but renegades are already gone in their spaceship Gone to the little blue planet called… EARTH! (Yeah I guess you saw that coming, we did too.)
Couple of thousand years later we see some gang members torturing a poor ugly nerd. Mysterious female figure show up from the dark and saves him.
That boy is none other that Akerman (the above mentioned author of Ella) himself. He helps her to find the location of one of the Vlad‘s minions Thraxx (now Dr. Traxx) using the magic of internet and even gives her some clothes so she doesn’t receive too much attention when she goes out.
Seriously, this is the best you’ve got- I’ve seen cosplayers with 10x better costumes!
In the meantime we see the operation of the P.U.R.G.E. organization strikeforce, offing some vampires in Mexico I believe. That’s mostly interesting just because they wear black garbage bags and sunglasses I guess to protect them from the sun, but mostly because they’re idiots.
Garbage bag- never leave home without it!
And good ol’ condom-head is still confused why no one thinks he’s dangerous dude! Vampirella tracks down Dr. Traxx and shows him her best Kung Fu moves (not too good). He apparently changed his ways but ends up impaled all the same.Ella manages to follow that up by the worst vampire transformation in the modern history of cinema (going back to the ’50s).
Impalement followed by a fantastic human to bat transformation, just incredible!
P.U.R.G.E.’s are torturing one of the condom- heads, fetish looking even without his suit using holly water.He admits that Vlad is operating out of L.A. of all places. And that’s not all- the dude had 3000 years to conquer the freakin’ world and he wasted it all to pursue a music career.Man, he really is something! Vampirella is also there to see him perform- she doesn’t seem all that impressed.
He shouldn’t leave his day job of world domination for this!
She surprises Vlad but Hellsings surprise them both. They lock them both up but Vlad easily escapes and kills the guards. Young Adam Van Helsing being the only one left teams up with Vampirella to take Vlad down once and for all. They also use the opportunity to exchange their origin stories and we get horrible flashback of Ella stranded on Mars (which explains her being so late to get to Earth).
“I’m telling you , there’s a half- naked chick over there!”
Unfortunately Adam returns to his home for a bit and gets smacked in the head by couple of porno looking vampire blonds. Vampirella does the only responsible thing,organizes an exchange with P.U.R.G.E., condom- head vampire for young Van Helsing. It all goes wrong as those thing tend to go and both Vampirella and Adam end up captured. Then Vlad tries to make her drink Adam’s blood to finally turn her evil but that doesn’t really work out for him. She does drink his blood but with his blessing and then she turns her new found strength to defeat the Vlad’s empire. He was just inches away of completing his evil plan involving satellites and vampirization of the whole humanity.
After the credits roll a sequel was promised with a ultra- goth name of Death’s Dark Avenger. We’re still waiting for that one, even thou it will probably never happen but with Corman prodaction you just never know. In the meantime you can enjoy this song.
Verdict:Vampirella movie actually had some potential, even as a B movie but for that to work you would have to go all in with the Hard R and do not skimp on nudity and gore. Even Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat, Licence to Kill) was not a bad choice, even though she definitely needed to gain a few pounds so she can fill the iconic skimpy suit properly. Unfortunately Wynorski and Corman decided to go straight for camp, and managed to extract all the worst parts of a comic and the effects well, they look like Corman hand drew them on film himself! That is even a real possibility given how historically cheap he could be.
One of the redeeming values of this movie is of course Roger Daltrey (of The Who fame) who’s performance is so over the top that you have no choice but be entertained by it.
Worsemovies 