Posts Tagged ‘Jim Wynorski’

Vampirela was for the longest time my white whale something that for years and years seemed just about impossible to find.From the days of VHS tapes to the early  dial-up internet and primitive peer to pear sharing programs (remember WinMX) all the way up to the almighty Russian piracy sites. You could find a cover or a clip or a throwaway line about how bad it is but that was all. Now that technology has finally caught up with the elusive film (even here in Balkans) it is time for better or for the worst to watch the damned thing!

vampirella-rudy-nebresVampirella by one of my all- time favorite artist: Rudy Nebres

First we start with a bit of a history. Vampirella started her life as a comicbook character created by legendary Forrest J. Ackerman in 1969 for Warren’s Publishing company of Horror Magazines (Eerie and Creepy) fame.  Warren fell on some hard times and as we learned watching many B-movies, that’s noting a sexy girl can’t fix– especially if she’s also a vampire. Now, some really talented artist worked on Vampirella and fair share of the comic was a visual treat but even the original 70’s version didn’t have the most impressive writing. We’ll get back to that in a moment.

mv5bztyxzdyzmtmtndm4nc00owjjltkwy2mtmdnmzdrinjcwymixxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvynjexode1mdc-_v1_Strangely the actual costume in the movie doesn’t look anything like this.

We start our story, 30 centuries ago on a planet Drakulon ( actually footage from Not of This Earth, another Corman production) And yes that’s her actual origin story, since redconed because no one can make the idea of space vampires work. The ruler of the futuristic vampiric world (cheap Christopher Lee knock-off , strange because Christopher Lee himself wasn’t that expensive in the early 90’s) wearing plastic vampire teeth explains to his daughter how in the old days vampires would drain one another to drink (that actually doesn’t make any sense) and now they are technologically superior and they use Drakonic organic blood rivers and streams. There’s so much wrong with that idea that I can’t even begin to explain it.

Of course they cut straight to the person who disobeyed  the rule and drank from other vampires. He is also called Vlad just to make thing super clear. Just when they were about to execute him his compatriots break in and he kills the ruler. Desperate,  the princess Ella vows to avenge her father (thus becoming Vampirella, cleaver ha?) but renegades are already gone in their spaceship Gone to the little blue planet called… EARTH! (Yeah I guess you saw that coming, we did too.)

Couple of thousand years later we see some gang members torturing a poor ugly nerd. Mysterious female figure show up from the dark and saves him.






That boy is none other that Akerman (the above mentioned author of Ella) himself. He helps her to find the location of  one of the Vlad‘s minions Thraxx (now Dr. Traxx) using the magic of internet  and even gives her some clothes so she doesn’t receive too much attention when she goes out.

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_000819125Seriously, this is the best you’ve got- I’ve seen cosplayers with 10x better costumes!

In the meantime we see the operation of the P.U.R.G.E. organization strikeforce, offing some vampires in Mexico I believe. That’s mostly interesting just because they wear black garbage bags and sunglasses I guess to protect them from the sun, but mostly because they’re idiots.

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_000893625Garbage bag- never leave home without it!

And good ol’ condom-head  is still confused why no one thinks he’s dangerous dude! Vampirella tracks down Dr. Traxx and shows him her best Kung Fu moves (not too good). He apparently changed his ways but ends up impaled all the same. Ella manages to follow that up by the worst vampire transformation in the modern history of cinema (going back to the ’50s).



Impalement followed by a fantastic human to bat transformation, just incredible!

P.U.R.G.E.’s  are torturing one of the condom- heads, fetish looking even without his suit using holly water.He admits that Vlad is operating out of L.A. of all places. And that’s not all- the dude had 3000 years to conquer the freakin’ world and he wasted it all to  pursue a music career.Man, he really is something! Vampirella is also there to see him perform- she doesn’t seem all that impressed.

He shouldn’t leave his day job of world domination for this!

She surprises Vlad but Hellsings surprise them both. They lock them both up but Vlad easily escapes and kills the guards. Young Adam Van Helsing being the only one left teams up with Vampirella to take Vlad down once and for all. They also use the opportunity to exchange their origin stories and we get horrible flashback of  Ella stranded on Mars (which explains her being so late to get to Earth).

movpod-just-watch-it-mp4_002476750“I’m telling you , there’s a half- naked chick over there!”

Unfortunately Adam returns to his home for a bit and gets smacked in the head by couple of porno looking vampire blonds. Vampirella does the only responsible thing,organizes an exchange with P.U.R.G.E., condom- head vampire for young Van Helsing. It all goes wrong as those thing tend to go and both Vampirella and Adam end up captured. Then Vlad tries to make her drink Adam’s blood to finally turn her evil but that doesn’t really work out for him. She does drink his blood but with his blessing and then she turns her new found strength to defeat the Vlad’s empire. He was just inches away of completing his evil plan involving satellites and vampirization of the whole humanity.


After the credits roll a sequel was promised  with a ultra- goth name of Death’s Dark Avenger. We’re still waiting for that one, even thou it will probably never happen but with Corman prodaction you just never know. In the meantime you can enjoy this song.



Verdict: Vampirella movie actually had some potential, even as a B movie but for that to work you would have to go all in with the Hard R and do not skimp on nudity and gore. Even Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat, Licence to Kill) was not a bad choice, even though she definitely needed to gain a few pounds so she can fill the iconic skimpy suit properly. Unfortunately Wynorski and Corman decided to go straight for camp, and managed to extract all the worst parts of a comic and  the effects well, they look like Corman hand drew them on film himself! That is even a real possibility given how historically cheap he could be.

One of the redeeming values of this movie is of course Roger Daltrey (of The Who fame) who’s performance is so over the top that you have no choice but be entertained by it.




Now, this one was on my mind for so long it may very well be one of the reasons why the whole WM page started. It’s one of those magical movies where nothing makes sense whatsoever, and you’re left wondering about many things including of course “why did I watch this in the first place?”.


Movie starts with a flashback: Carpatia- Vassaria. And you can right away notice that there’s no direct contact with the monster like in those monster movies from the 50’s where they used super primitive stop- motion. Speaking of it- even stop motion beats these TV quality CGI effects. But it’s extremely entertaining seeing Romanian women carrying crossbows, probably not historically accurate but still awesome! Of course the beast gets subdued aka sealed in a tomb via the magic of priest’s blood on the arrow. Never knew that was a thing- need to check with our local priest?

We flash foreword to today, Romania– first with a kidnapping rescue operation lead by CIA agents Sandra Hess (Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD) and has been (great)  Michael Pare (Streets  of Fire, The Philadelphia Experiment ). Operation goes awry as one of the suspect misterously desapears from the top of the building just to be found spiked on a top of a Church.

Now, the next thing  we notice is a pair of Catholic Priests, old one and his future replacement arguing in a freakin’ Orthodox Christian Church! Why? I have no idea. I mean if you only had this church available why not make local priests Orthodox? Black robe and a (long) beard and you’re pretty much done. I mean if you’re making a movie with religious overtones (no mater how low-fi the movie is) you could have done your due diligence.


Our heroes, Michael Pare and his agent Scully- Sandra  join the scene soon enough seeing that their suspect is impaled on the said church. Also same of the local archeologist that work on the church mysteriously disappear too. Sparks start flying between Pare and a young chief archeologist  Dr. Christina Durant as the bodies starts piling up. The actress Kate Orsini looks incredibly like Maggie from The Walking Dead just with eyes too far apart.mary-tyler-less

Bodies like random woman taking semi- professional photos in Zoo. Somehow the place gets empty and night comes and she’s still taking pictures (presumably some 12 hours later ’cause it was obviously around noon when she started). Strangely trend of sudden (and illogical) day/ night shift continues later on too. Anyway, what’s wrong with this woman? We never get to find out because the Gargoyle shows up and just like that we have another victim.

Their logical suspect is a local vampire sect that turns out to be a Dance Vampire Sect! I kid you not. Never heard of something like that but man was I missing out! Their leader Lex (Tim Abell) performs the ritual with half- naked vampire chicks and then when you expect the grand finale dance music kick in and party gets going.

Now I  must say- this dude is my hero! He is dangerous gangsta yet he also owns a dance club and in his free time he does these vampiric performances with hot chicks. And it seems the writers and director like him too because he doesn’t get to die like the rest of them and instead just looses his mind.

As the investigation gets weirder and weirder Pare and Orsini  head out to the “abandoned” monastery  to find clues in the old fresco- paintings. Old man shows up and finally explains them the curse of the Gargoyle. Also, I think he mixed up Dragons and Gargoyles but what are you gonna do- there’s not much mythology about gargoyles out there. Also Gargoyle decides to interrupt them while there’s still time and it all evolves into a super hilarious chase scene that again reminds us how cheap and ridiculous CGI is in this movie.

The finale of the movie is a sight to behold as two priests get into a fistfight  while the army of gargoyles is hatching! Also with the evil priest kidnaps pretty Dr. Durant too.  CIA agents backed up with a SWAT team breaks in and start shooting at everything and anything. Strangely, time of day rapidly changes from noon when they get into the Gargoyle cave (in the back of Church of all places) to the middle of the night as they come out 2 minutes later- to the early morning couple moments after that.

They also have the next case before the movie ends- in Russia! Unfortunately we never got to see it, but I’ll chose to imagine it superior and more grand than the first one, something like Del Toro’s Blade II!

Verdicts: Veteran genre director Jim Wynorski (under the alias of Jay Andrews) had many highs and lows in his career and you can honestly say that this one manages to simultaneously be both. It’s like a car crash, it’s really, really horrible but you just can’t look away!

WARNING! If we didn’t discourage you from watching this film, and you still want to see it- please find a proper DVD. Some horrid person on the internet found a way to make the movie even worse by splicing the footage with Vinnie Pooh cartoons- stay away from that god awful Youtube version if you value your sanity even one bit! 


The movie stays with a very ditzy blonde trying to buy some (Lemurian?) jewelry from the ancient Chinese man Unfortunately they get interrupted by a strange group of ninjas. Cops show up in a record time but unfortunately they don’t train them for the power of Ninjutsu. On the other hand Ninjas seem to be incredibly stationary and even though the kill of some of the cops they end up shot more than a few times. Next we cut to a badass biker cop Angel who dispatches a group of kidnappers- in a school none the less. She also saves a colleague, a mustached agent who’s obviously great with the ladies ’cause they end up in bed in 5 minutes flat.

6-20-2015 5-19-02 PMDo you surrender?

Unfortunately their bliss is interrupted by the call from the hospital. It turns our her brother Rob is on his death’s bed. He was one of the cops who tried to stop Ninjas in the beginning. She vows to gets her revenge on the ninjas and their master who turns out to be a mysterious Doctor Sin Do, supposedly in league with an evil wizard called (I love this name) Lee Chuck. She chooses her team to infiltrate the island (an obvious reference to Enter The Dragon) and it’s none other than two deadly and beautiful woman.

Her first choice is a Native American warrior for justice called Whitestar (played by non- other but Raven De La Croix, legendary Russ Meyer diva)

2273338,e3WeiYYAlv5ws2FKMHjMXZ52z1nJvV3Gml4MUhmmvozleZbNMo2Twcx4w705Be_M5SVRZfbygdPtjjX03_rQcg==Looks kinda like young Cher, only better…

. Her second choice is equally intriguing- a convict (that Angel caught herself) called Melanie who obviously enjoys some mud-wresting. Now we have the team rivaling The Charie’s Angels, don’t we?


All three of them survive rigorous tests and are finally granted entrance to the island. Once there they expect them to prepare and then compete in a deadly martial arts tournaments.

The Lost Empire (1984) Watch Movies Online Free.mp4_002576680All procedures must be preformed topless!

They try to uncover the plot by breaking in during the night time but they barely escape. In fact they leave some poor kidnapped girl to her destiny not to blow their cover (man these girls are cold). In the meantime mustached man finds the jewels Ninjas we’re after the whole time. Unfortunately he decides to break into the island- the hard way and fails epically. Sin Du is enchanted and invites Whitestar for a dinner- that turns out into a quite bizarre ritual (with lights, ropes and a snake too).

He leaves her for death and concentrates on Angel, trying to make her kill her beloved… and gloating at the same time, finally holding his magical jewles. Unfortunately for him two of them turn agains him and lead more of candidates against his army and the awesome battle ensues. Whitestar also menages to free herself and kick some ass. It turns out that Sin Do is non other than Lee CHuck… and Lee Chuck is none other than… a Skeleton!!!
slika skeletora

When all seems lost for him Sin Do unleashes the weapon of ultimate destruction- A GIANT METALLIC PENIS!


Penis starts destroying everything in it’s path but the only girl who dies is the poor girl they kept kidnapped. It turns out Whitestar can drive a helicopter so our heroes menage to escape just in time as evil island explodes to kingdom come.

Now that’s a finale!!!


Verdict: Jim Wynorski is (straight outta gate) almost a perfect fusion of Andy Sidaris and Russ Meyer, featuring as many incredibly cheese action scenes with as much voluptuous beauties he can fit in the frame. Basically he is doing what every B-movie filmmaker should do, not overthinking things but giving us a fun ride for all the money.

Trivia #01 This movie came to be because Henry Plitt, the owner of Plitt Theatres (also a decorated war hero) wanted to make a low budget SF picture as a tax loss. He never shared that information with young Wynorski who gave it it’s all.  It all worked out for the best ’cause Wynorski continued on his path and has recently filmed his 100th movie.

Trivia #02 The last henchman dispatched in the finale is none other than Blackie Dammett also known by his birth name John Michael Kiedis, the father of Anthony Kiedis, the frontman of the Red Hot Chilly Peppers! You weren’t expecting that, did you?