Posts Tagged ‘Tits’

When I discovered A-Pix entertainment for the first time I didn’t know by then how blessed I am. While rummaging through a list of their titles I noticed quite few we have already watched (such as Jack Frost, Werewolf). With my eyes sparkling with glee at the assortment of nefarious titles in front of me, my gaze fell upon the one with Malcolm McDowell’s name on the cover and smile appeared on my sweaty visage. I present you my treasure of the day: The Surgeon!

The story begins in the 1950s in a sequence filmed in beautiful, crisp, black and white. A family has rushed their son to a doctor’s home, where the doctordecides that the boy is in need of emergency surgery, which he performs in a back room. The doctor doesn’t take necessary precautions and he botches the surgery and “accidentally” kills the boy. The boy’s brother is nearby and sees his brother dead on the cold, metal table. There’s also a bit of poeticimagery here involving an actual lollipop while the song “Lollipop” plays in the background, silly as that may be in the grand scheme of things.

That’s our prologue, and it quickly cuts to the present, where we see a beautiful physician Dr. Theresa McCann (played by Isabel Glasser) begin a very bad day as she arrives for work at a hospital. She runs late to a lecture by Dr. Stein (played by Malcolm McDowell), who is demonstrating an experimental technique on a baboon. The baboon goes nuts in the middle of the lecture then dies. We find out Dr. McCann has been protesting Dr. Stein’s experiments with hospital administration, but we soon learn that something much more sinister is going on.

It is funny because it is true

After this incident Dr. Theresa went to check out the patients with her medicine students. We notice there are a lot of black people among sick ones. There are young Whoopi Goldberg (though it is not actually she, this girl here is hot) and some old fat black lady. While Theresa and students were on entourage some mysterious doctor sneaked into one of the patient’s room and injected her some sort of toxin which made poor woman’s body melt down. And here is the clue for the viewers: He left a lollipop on the desk next to patient’s bed. Dr. Theresa couldn’t be there in time to save her so she went back to her officewhere she found a note left for her by one of her top students Dr. Hendricks (played by James Remar, known for his role of gay Rayden in awful Mortal Kombat: Annihilation). Even despite being a witness of horrible and painful death of the one of her patients Dr. Theresa smiled when she saw a drawing of bare ass in the note. See, even doctors are not immune so such kind of low-brow jokes.

A Valentine card

Theresa went to meeting hospital director Dr. Ed Mittlesnay (played by Charles Dance, best known for his role of Tywin Lannister in HBO’s Game of Thrones) who gave her suspension because of tempering with other doctor’s patient. Knowing that something odd is happening there Theresa and Dr. Hendricks sneak into hospital. There they find Dr. Stein’s corpse. There goes their top suspect. Malcolm McDowell surely looks like a murderer, especially with that deranged look of his. But if he isn’t the killer, then who it is? We found out that soon since killer got into the fight and ended up incapacitated by Dr. Hendricks.
Later we find out that he is Dr. Julian Matar (played by Sean Haberle). Apparently he got fired 3 years ago because he was conducting unauthorized procedures on patients. Back then, he ended up paralyzed after trying to escape by jumping through the window. And now he is back! Somehow.

 

Julian manages to escape this time again. And now he is heading to the hospital, dressed like a doctor, to take what he came for (whatever that might be). Remember fat black lady Milly (played by Mother Love) from the beginning? Well, she is our good doctor’s next target. Being cranky as she is she saw through
his mask and went out looking for the help. As it is custom in such kind of movies they searched the room but no one could be found. And of course head nurse wouldn’t believe her. But the moment Milly went back to bed Julian, who btw has much resemblance to Serbian actor Ivan Bosiljcic (though Ivan Bosiljcic is a pathetic looking guy), jumped down onto her from the ceiling. The rest of the scene is left out for our imagination.

 

Now do you remember young Whoopi Goldberg? Thats right, she is the next victim. Her name is Lisa (played by Juliette Jeffers) and she ended up in the hospital with the broken leg after car accident. But broken leg doesn’t stop her from having a sex with her boyfriend in her own hospital bed while
surrounded with candles! What kind of hospital is this? Patients are being murdered every now and then while some other patients are turning their room into a brothel! Anyway, Lisa’s boyfriend needed refreshment after hard work so he went to the bathroom. And thats Julian’s time to strike. At first, it looked like boyfriend is going to overpower him but eventually Julian gave him enough injections to put him down for good. She moved onto Lisa, and not in a way her now late boyfriend did couple of minutes before. Julian poisoned her with gas and then injected her the same substance he gave to his first victim.
Meanwhile, Theresa and Hendricks were having some naked fun in the pool when they received a call from Lt. McEllwaine (played by Peter Boyle, who needs no special introduction). They arrived just in time to find Dr. Ed being killed by Julian. We learn that Julian is blaming Ed for loosing his license so he
stapled Ed’s mouth shut. Poetic justice. In the meantime, Julian is tasting his own medicine. What he is up to now?

 

The hospital is now under full police protection and they are using Dr. Theresa as a bait. Of course, that didn’t stop Julian from dispatching them all, one by one, and pinning Theresa to where it all started – the surgery table. He wanted Theresa to be the last ingredient for his cure – a substance that regenerates tissue even after you die. They had some sweet talk giving her enough time to shock him using a defibrillator. And that was the cue for the entire police force to bust in and shower Julian with rain of bullets while Theresa was still behind him! Yup they made a Swiss cheese out of poor Julian, who just needed to be loved. What a stupid ending!

 

Or is it? As you can see in the scene above, Julian has taken the advantage of their moment of carelessness to inject himself some more of his juice. He woke up in the mortuary and killed fat pathologist. And now he is going to finish what he had started. Surprisingly he manages to kill Dr. Hendricks while he was in bed with Theresa. Theresa then finished him in a more stupid way then a previous one. I am tired of bullshit and don’t want to waste any more words on this plot so you can check for yourself below.

 

Conclusion: Directed by Carl Schenkel, The Surgeon aka Exquisite Tenderness is a film with German roots (to add to the confusion, it is also known as The Beast in the White Smock and Infernal Torments in German, although it was filmed in English). I will try to watch this again because I still can’t believe a movie with Malcolm McDowell, James Remar, Peter Boyle and Charles Dance in it could be this bad but it’s bland and uninteresting despite their competent performances. Were all of them totally broke? That must be it right? I don’t know. Another thing that’s very noticeable about this movie is its above-average use of make-up effects. The blood and gore effects were done right and might even cause some viewers to cringe. AS for the plot itself, many films have explored the uses of the Pituitary region of the brain for its possible regenerative properties. Yeah this is very funny movie to watch but personally I would rather always recommend you this and this. To me Jeffrey Combs is the only true mad scientist.

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The last part of the famous Cannon Film’s Ninja trilogy (of completely unrelated films) is without the doubt the craziest and the must fun of them all.  Fact that we have an absolute miscast, a dancing star Lucinda Dickey (Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: The Electric Boogaloo) in the main role only makes it that much sweeter.

Ninja3

This movie starts with too seemingly unrelated scenes, a Ninja prepping his ancient and deadly weapons in the cave and some ritch guys playing golf without a care in the world. Turns out Ninja was payed to kill one of the rich golf playing pricks. Which one, who knows- he killed them all!

He’s maybe good at killing but strategy is certainly not his greatest strength.

Now, beside some fun moments in the fight I have to wonder why did someone trained in the art of deception decide to kill people in the broad daylight on the location where it’s almost impossible to for him to hide. I mean he even runs by foot being chased by cop cars and motorcycles. Stopping numerous cops, including two riding a helicopter he menages to escape barely alive by burying himself deep in the sand. Cops eventually give up on the pursue and he menages to get to a random girl fixing a phone line while listening to modern dance music on a boombox ( I guess she doesn’t have a cool Walkman like everyone else). He grabs her and after some scuffle she excepts an gift, Ninja To (sword) after which he finally drops the bucket.

Then we are treated to flashbacks of the Ninja’s battle that happened literally 3 minutes ago!!! Did they really want to beef up the  running time of this movie or what? She ends up interrogated in the police station and one of the younger officers Billy Secord , irritatingly insist on taking her out on a coffee. She continues to have flashbacks and runs away.But after playing some games on her… she decides that it’s noting some aerobics won’t fix.

It seems gyms  bring out the worse in men, because more than a couple jacked up idiots are making advances to one of the aerobic chicks Lucy to the point of being ready to take her by force. And that’s not in a dark ally but in the broad daylight in front of dozen witnesses! I don’t know what they’re on but it’s not doing them any good. Thankfully, the evil ninja ghost kicks in and Christie transforms into a deadly ass- kicker. And after an impressive acrobatic routine Christie kicks the crap out of muscle-heads while people cheer (why not one of them even thought about helping a girl out- who knows?)

Irritating cop Billy finally menages to pick her up in his car. Now, remember boys if you are stalking a girl long enough she’s going to eventually give up! Or call the cops, thankfully Secord is a cop himself so he doesn’t have that problem. They get into a bit of a fight but shockingly she takes the dude home, and gets to undressing part really, really quick. I don’t think we can blame the evil ninja spirit for this behavior.After the sex scene we are treated to some light show and a flying sword which all indicates Ninja possession is becoming even stronger.FlyingSword

And it is- as she dresses up in the costume and goes after one of the cops who killed “him”. The old man is playing pool in his home (who has a pool table in his living room?) and doesn’t see it coming. I guess he never had an avenging Ninja problem before. Soon enough another police officer ends up dead (the one in a Jacuzzi with couple of girls) but she still can’t put the peaces to together and thinks it’s all a nightmare.

Dead Ninja is sorry he didn’t kill absolutely everybody and goes after the cops that eventually stopped him.

Also, my favorite Sho Kosugi arrives to the US via airplane. He’s interesting because he doesn’t have an eye but he did what any other badass would do, he made and eye-patch out of sword shielding and wears it proudly for all the world to see. You know you don’t want to mess with a person like that.

Ninja III The Domination (1984).mp4_001862318Man, he’s awesome!

Her boyfriend I guess (that was fast) Billy kinda figures out what is going on and brings her to a Japanese mystic a Japanese mystic (played by James Hung, a Chinese man). She gets tied up and he performs and Asian Exorcism (like the regular Exorcism only in Japanese). In spite it being very amusing for the audience Ninja is is not impressed and he refuses to leave her body.

“You fool! You cannot stop me. I am a NINJA!”

It turns out that an ancient law applies here (the one I actually never heard before) “only a ninja can destroy a ninja” So that’s where Sho Kosugi comes in. His fellow ninja cost him his Master and his eye and he will get his revenge. She gets back home and angry at herself decides to battle the possible loss of her body and should to an unclean and evil presence bydirty dancing! ’cause that’s how you solved problems in the 80’s Did any problems actually got solved in the 80’s? I seriously doubt it.

Now Ninja continues his devious plan by attending the funeral of the cop- just to use the gathering as an opportunity to kill the remaining cops. Man he is insatiable!  Thankfully things get sorted out-  an exorcism finally separates the demon Ninja and the girl and Ninja ends up in a duel with Kosugi in an old temple in the most awesome Kung Fu moment of the whole movie. 

Slightly less epic battle ensues on the hill and seemingly indestructible Ninja  finally meets his demise by the only way possible, a freakin’ knife to the brain! You can’t go back from that… well except if you’re some kind of zombie ninja, but being that we experienced a demon ninja here I guess everything is possible. Cannon never picked up from here (making another unrelated Ninja sequel) but truthfully there is still no way to top this movie, is it?

Ninja III The Domination (1984).mp4_005302005This is the end, my Ninja friend, the end…

Verdict: It can be said that this movie is Cannon Films in a nutshell.

I mean it has dancing, aerobics, synth score, Asian Martial Arts, over the top acting and the ridiculous plot all rolled up in one! If you meet a person who knows nothing of Cannon Studios opus this would be more than a fine example (even more so than their more popular franchises like American Ninja, Missing in Action or endless string of Death Wish sequels).

Trivia: And ’cause it’s always fun to hear it from the people who were there in Cannon’s golden days (including Lucinda Dickey) here’s a clip from the documentary Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films.

 

To mention first: This movie doesn’t have anything to do with Jersey Maneater from 1916 (which will be clear to you once when you see the poster), despite the fact that the premiere was shortly after Shark Week has ended. It isn’t even an indie so-bad-it-is-funny flick. No, this movie is about cosmic and human justice putting an miserable end to the most despicable sort of people on the God’s green Earth – guidos.

majmuni

But it doesn’t seem like that from the beginning. In the intro we can see some sort of mob execution style in the woods. Then it turns to horror beheading and disemboweling of mobsters while some chick tied to the tree is watching the whole show. After a zoom to sawed off body parts killer turns his attention to screaming tied up girl. Then a title of this movie pops up, followed by Beethoven’s symphony in the background (?).

Heads upHeads up!

After the intro we are switched to classic New Jersey day. A bunch of ugly sluts are at stereotypical Hispanic gay Rikardo. And of course, he is their hairstylist. One of them is wearing a word shaped necklace with a word “SINGLE”, which just screams “Please kill me, I don’t deserve tp live”. But more of that later. Right now Dina (necklace girl, played by Angelica Boccela) and Teresa (played by Danielle Dallacco) are preparing for girly weekend on the Shore. Another tramp Gigi (played by Christina Scaclione) joins them and they are ready to go. But just before they went to the journey Gigi had a fight with her ex-boyfriend Michael (his real name is not important), a guido who can barely speak out a coherent words. He swears upon something, could be revenge, but we
weren’t able to understand what he is actually saying. Anyway, 3 of them went to the Shore just to find out there that the house they’ve previously booked has been taken by 3 other Latino sluts. So all 6 of them (3 more really ugly bimbos joined) are forced to take another house, deeper in the woods. After settling down there all of them (except Gigi, who went to a meeting with Michael) went to a shore to have a good time. There they met 5 obnoxious fist-pumping guidos who prove them their muscularity by crashing a sandcastle some kid had built and beating up a mimic man who was trying to perform. Real heroes, right. Of course, tramps fell for that. And why wouldn’t they with such IQ? Their level of intelligence was determined earlier when, after learning that a price of tickets for the Devil Tour is a 7.5$ dollars each, Joanne (played by Nicole Rutigllano) said, and I quote “Screw it, we get discount. 50$ for all 6 of us.” Do the math. Meanwhile, Gigi had another fight in the woods with Michael after she ended up with her throat slit from ear to ear.

Seriously, who wouldn't start a killing rampage after seeing thisSeriously, who wouldn’t start a killing spree after seeing this?

Later that evening, after being kicked out from a club for starting a fight, girls invite their new friends to their place. There they are welcomed by the unexpected guest. No, it is not who you think it is. It is Valeries’s (played by Ashley Mitchell) tall, fat and large cousin Rosemarie (played by Leonarda Bosch), who managed to eat almost entire food supply while she was waiting for them. To kick the party rolling they watch DVD copy of Fat Camp Massacre, staring Shawn C Phillips (who may be known to you for his role in Haunted High). But not everyone find that movie interesting. Gino (played by Brett Azar) and second fattest chick around went upstairs to have some fun. While fatty went to refresh herself under a shower, Gino ignores sex invitation and goes to
tan himself (he really should feel lucky that, as a guido, he actually gets to sleep with anyone). Big mistake! Killer came, tied him up with chains and roasted him in tanning bed. Then our hero (yeah we were rooting for killer) moves forward to showers when he had a hard job of slicing fatty. A lot of fat before knife could reach an organs.

Best movie everBest movie ever!

While fatty and Gino are having their inner organs removed, near the pool party is reaching it’s peak. Tony, Vinnie and Freddy are making plans how to ditch fat Rosemarie. Meanwhile, slutty dumb Joanne and Joey (played by John Michael Hastie) have already took business upstairs. Another big mistake! Killer took a sabre and impaled both of them while they were on pile. No more lovemaking for these birds.

Freddy (played by Chris Lazarro) took the bullet for entire gang and drove away with Rosemarie just in order to ditch her couple of miles away into her natural habitat – farm. When he came back he got pissed because all the girls were already taken. So he decides to take a stroll to cool down a bit. And indeed he did. Killer captured and tied Freddy in a nearby barn and made him watch mutilating of hanged Vinnie (played by Brenton Duplessie). Then it was a Freddy’s turn. Rightful punishment for his irritating laughter is slaughter. Same fate happened to Valerie and Tony (played by Giovanni Roselli) who came after Freddy. Well almost the same. You see, killer had Tony’s hands sawed off but Tony managed to escape just to get shot in the head by nervous policeman. Talking about irony.

When corpses started to pile up, 15 minutes before movie ending, Dina and Teresa finally figured out that something is wrong so they decided to call a police. That didn’t stop murderer to spill Dina’s guts out with the huge knife just a seconds after he revealed his true identity to them. It turned out that it is their old neighbor Edgar (played by Bigfoot). Teresa asked him why he is doing this on which he replied: It is a Jersey thing. Sounds reasonable to me! After a short fight Teresa managed to inflame Edgar’s head with a some sort of bug spray (?). In spite of every logic, she then headed to lake when she tried to escape in small boat. But wait, here is the twist! Edgar had a twin brother Troy who shows up out of nowhere and started to pull boat with screaming Teresa in it. Just when it seemed that Troy will finish his brother’s work, Teresa’s mobster uncle Vito (played by Dominic Lucci) also shows up out of nowhere and puts bullet into Troy’s head in execution manner. On the very end, Ron Jeremy buys the house and shoots the killer who jumped out of the lake. And yeah, Rosemarie still lives with cows on a farm.

There won't be any reunionThere won’t be any reunion

Conclusion: This movie started with the intro which didn’t seem to have anything to do with the rest of the movie. It made it seem as though there was going to be another direction for the film to take. Director Paul Tarnopol (in cooperation with JWow production) firstly tried to make Godfather movie (but it turned out to be more of Analyze This sort), then switched to Friday the 13 flick, with a bunch of untalented and unattractive New Jersey girls. Also, when the only (famous) actor is porn star Ron Jeremy, who is also the best actor here, you get an idea of how bad movie this is. AS for the characters they were poorly written, extremely undeveloped, obnoxious as hell (though this might have been done on purpose), and not to mention awful acting. I sincerely hope
that their characters fate happened to all of the ‘actors’ in real life (the best opportunity for it would be in Jersey Shore reality). At least in the movie they’ve got what they deserved.

Eric Freeman 5

If you know anything about us, WM Club started with couple of guys challenging each other to watch some of the most ridiculous, cheese movies they can think of. One of the first movies we watched- and the first to grace our blog was the absolutely terrific Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

Remember this?

Now, the mystique around this movie kept expanding ’cause at the time no one could tell what happened to the main actor, striking Eric Freeman who after couple stint on TV disappeared for something like two decades. Next we fallowed the story with a surprise return of Eric Freeman (only second to the resurrection of Samurai Cop) taking his rightful place in the fandom. But now something even more awesome happened, Freeman himself took it upon himself to close the circle and write the final, real chapter of the story of Ricky Caldwell.

Scott Pearlman (the director working on a documentary on Freeman) read the script and said Eric put a lot of care into it creating a very logical and satisfying way for Ricky to return and evolve, it’s not a slasher film per se which may turn hardcore fans off but it truly respects the character and takes him in a different direction while paying homage to what came before. If I had to describe it its like a blend of North By North West and the Fugitive fused with Death Wish and set in the Silent Night, Deadly Night universe. It’s also hyper violent, which is a must have of course.”

So, if everything works out, and I have every reason to think it will, Garbage Day will be  upon us again… and that alone is reason enough to celebrate!

“This story was written as a natural progression of the character Ricky Caldwell from 1987’s Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. That movie came to a climax with a bloody carnage-laden rampage and the death of Mother Superior and Ricky Caldwell being shot. Twenty five years have elapsed and Caldwell is a patient at Waverly Psychiatric Hospital. He is seemingly normal, but things quickly go awry when a body is found in Caldwell’s room. This script can be a sequel to SNDN 2 or as a standalone movie with no tie-in whatsoever. Obviously, there is a monetary advantage of having a huge built-in fan base from the cult hit movie.”