Posts Tagged ‘William Smith’

SevenThis is just awesome!

Movie interestingly starts with a man enjoying himself with his friends while watching some hula dancers. Then Hawaii war dancer replaces the Hula dancers and then… man gets stabed  with the spear!!! I never saw this coming! More murders follow as Karate Kid villain Martin Cove shoots a man from his car and a weird blond skateboarding dude with the mustaches shoots a man from point blank range with a crossbow. Ok, I have to admit from the get- go- this movie is something.


The infamous Skateboard Killer himself!

It turns out all of the murdered men were government agents so the only man capable enough to avenge them is contacted. Buff, mustached and always accompanied by naked girls, Drew Savano gets chosen by the computer (the wonder machine that could do anything those days) and after some back and forth he accepts. Next thing you know he is cruising the Islands and gathering up a crew like you’ve never seen!

First on the list is dangerous and beautiful Native American woman Alexa (Barbara Leigh, the original Vampirella model for horror/ comicbook fans) accompanied by her Blonde masseur lady for some reason. Next up- a Cowboy, an Olympian and one of the finest gunman on the world. Then we have a Racedriver, talkative black dude with a attitude. Next up it’s Professor, the groundbreaking scientist  up to no good. Then a terrible fat jazz musician/ part-time comedian who is in fact a skilled assassin. The last but not the least is the old and exerienced Kempo Karate expert Ed Parker (playing himself) who seems to be working in construction these days imploying his board breaking techniques to a more practical use. Also Parker is there as Savano’s ace in the hall because one of their most deadly adversaries is diabolical Mr. Lee, man who passionately loves fine art and deadly Martial Arts.


The founder of American Kempo Karate Ed Parker being supremely awesome.

We have a comical scene with Doctor trying to transport a blow-up doll in the Airport and after that our deadly group meets for a first and the only time before their mission is done. They all seem in good spirits and anxious to get things rolling.

Alexa seduces an old, experienced criminal boss while Cowboy and the Blond (masseur) lure in the goons and after trapping them in their car, douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. After that Cowboy sings some oldie country song and him and blond end up in bed soon afterwords. I‘m fascinated by their lack on conscience I know they are vicious criminals but burning alive is a terrible way to go.

Sevano' is what I call a good morning!

Parker sneaks into the building disguised as a cleaner and menages to get to the top floor where he challenges the evil Mr. Lee. Despite their life long study of Martial Arts they engage an mostly comical fistfight and after a clumsily performed throw by Parker- Lee menages to break the window glass with his head and falls off the building. Parker then confronts one of the goon who saw what just happened and breaks his neck. By the time another goon arrived (Ninja looking mustached dude) Parker grew visibly bored and decided to shoot him with a gun blurting out an immortal sentence “Hiyaaah,  my ass” All that time evil boss still kept falling (this must be the tallest building in the world)…

In the meantime Cowboy is on the roll, now taking care of the evil surfer dude. Unfortunately he gets double crossed by some Hawaiian  chick who way supposedly government agent. He seemingly dies (we are gonna spoil it for you right now, he’s not really dead). Indian girl gets her cover blown and gets raped (possibly, we’re not sure how successful was the old baster do to his advanced age) but it turns out she rigged him with the explosive so as she escapes and blows him up ’till Kingdom Comes. Black dude joins the party by paragliding while trowing bombs at the Japanese dude, I believe the accountant of the mafia.  Musician tries to bore evil Maderas and Karate Kid Villain with his stand- up comic routine and then shoots them but unfortunately loses his own life in the process.


The Ultimate Weapon of Destruction- Black Man on a Para-glider!

Savano uses the blow up doll as a way to lure main villain Kahuna into opening the window of his bulletproof limo and that plan actually works but they quickly realize what he’s trying to do and send their  skateboard killer to get him. Skateboard killer then dies in the most ingenious way possible.


Alexa then picks up Sevano using a helicopter and they chase the villain who tries desperately to escape by the boat. They seemingly succeed but because this is a movie full of twists and turns– it turns out it was an imposter. Nothing to worry about as they blow up the real one pretty fast to, using a bazooka that Professor brought none the less- all because Sevano’s clever deduction that the imposter was a right handed man and Kahuna was left handed.


…and yet, somewhere in Hawaii in this very moment the evil Mr. Lee is still falling from the building.

Verdict: This movie, cheap and ridiculous as it is indubitably great fun and it’s also notable for being the start of legendary B directors Andy Sidars’s career in movies (he was respected director  of sport events before that) and you also have pleasure of seeing him as he crystallizes the formula that made him famous, his patented “Bullets Bombs and Babes” style!

Trivia: This film contains the origin of the infamous “shooting the swordsman” gag, later popularized by Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark. So, the next time when you see it, just remember- Ed  Parker did it first!

In one of the most intriguing AIP (Action Internacional Pictures), Prior produced film The Final Sanction after heavy nuclear exchange Russia and USA decide to settle their differences the old fashion way, by locking two soldiers (each representing their respective country) in mortal combat. Fun and interesting premise that does shine despite many bloopers and shoestring budget.

The movie starts as expected with a mish- mash of military archive footage (and one of the NASA’s rocket launching for a good measure) and we are see that the Cold War has gotten a lot hotter.Then camera pulls back to the meeting in some kind of church in  Geneva. After reaching an agreement we are transported to prison facilities where the braves and boldest of the Americans fights with a big fat man… and gets beaten for the most part before jumping on his back in effort to perform some gay- ass version of Rear Naked Choke. Fight ends soon enough via some cowboy style uppercuts and finishing headbutt. The victor is of course Ted Prior himself ( Deadly Prey, Aerobicide).

He doesn’t get to enjoy his victory much as the guards grab him and take him to get “procedure” done. He panics but it’s already too late. We learn that he is incarcerated for the murder of his commanding officer and his fellow soldiers. In the meantime we have the ultimate Russian war machine (nope, not Dolph Lundgren even better) Sergei played by the almighty Chin himself- Robert Z’Dar getting ready for his crucial mission. He is practicing by throwing mini- spades on targets, I’m not sure what’s the point of this but it’s hilarious! Later he ends up in some kind of Virtual Reality on maximum level so they can test his dedication to Mother Russia to the limit. And yes, he also kills his psychologist because his lieutenant said so.

Spade Power!

On the other side PrIor aka Sargent Botanick wakes up to find a woman speaking in southern twang right in his head- yes, the procedure implanted the chip right in his brain so he can be reagulary updated with information and kept in check. He nearly goes insane but after they bring  him  some cheeseburgers and fries agrees to fight to his county. He also gets a presidential pardon but that’s not important as the food. His old “friend” Ross shows up to threaten him, incredibly jealous because he didn’t get the job. They have an extremely homosexual war of words in which Botanick replies to his “fuck you” with “anytime”. Ah, the soldiers these days… Anyway he starts getting into the groove realy fast and starts calling his commander officer dragonlady (it makes no sense really to call a southern lady that way but it’s funny so I support it).

Soldiers get ready, Rambo style with loud synthesizer music in the background and we’re set to go. The conflict of the two worlds most powerful nations  will be solved in… battle arena “Zulu” in Virginia- I expected something more neutral but what the hell! Botanick starts making his old school traps in the forest (see Deadly Prey) but falls prey to the Russian’s surprise attack- combination of mini- spade and then machine gun with explosive rounds. He somehow survives the ordeal but looses Sergei’s signal (it seems Russians have a few more aces up their sleeves. Dragonlady tries desperately to locate the Russian but finds she’s already too late. Sergei jumps from the tree and for some reason drops his gun to finish Prior with a spade with fantastically passionate line “This is konec” (soon to become my favorite one- liner). But Botanick’s traps finally prove handy and an explosion saves his life.

Botanic spends the night in the forsaken facility all the while hitting on the dragonlady and also reveals to her that he was framed for the murders. Tender scene is stopped just in time, with gunfire. They keep shooting and chasing one another some time and Russian finally gets close somewhere around the morning, close like in- with a mini- spade of course! I’m thinking of getting one after watching this movie. Prior again defies certain death but ends up wounded and unable to run. He still finds a time to rig the whole place (and even put a little smiley face on the floor)  but Russian comes back like a goddamn soviet terminator.

Russian general tries to get in touch with Sergei to update his orders but he decides to ignore him, irritated by being almost burn alive. Next thing you know Botanic is startled from the back by Ross, the same dude that was so jealous of him. Turns out he was jealous of him for a mighty long time ’cause he set him up and got him thrown in the jail 5 years ago. And just when his death seems inevitable Sergei puts a spade through his back. So it’s finally time, Botanic and Sergei one on one without weapons each one refusing to block the other’s punches. Russian seems to be made  of stone (especialy he’s balls) but American doesn’t know the meaning of the word GIVE UP. After beating the hell out of each other they make peace.

...and then it turns out that they would both die no mater what courtesy of a back deal made by their respective governments. They escape final explosion of the movie and then find their respective generals together reaching an agreement. They expose them, arrest them and then finally Prior gets a date with the dragonlady and Sergei gets diplomatic immunity. They ask him what kind of women he likes, so they can arrange a double date and  Z’Dar joyfully proclaims “SERGEI LIKE ALL GIRLS” and credits roll.…and they all lived happily ever after!

Verdict: Even though I would call Aerobicide AIP’s  most successful film (creatively as well as financially) it was mostly a horror flick and from their long list of hard core
(and more often than not ridiculous) action movies this one sticks out like a sore thumb ( but in the good way)! Definitely worth a watch!

Other people fight bad guys with their guns, their muscles or their martial arts, Gary Busey? Gary Busey completely destroys them with his pure insanity!

Movie starts like any 80es cop thriller with a gentle sounds of saxophone fallowed by some menacing orchestral music. Token black partner gets upsett by other cop and we find out two important things, he’s partner is Busey, called  Frank McBain (now that’s where you find that name Matt Groening, I got you there!) and he is (you guessed it) Bulletproof. How? We don’t know!

Anyway they ran into big drug operation lead by Montotoya aka legendary Danny Trejo. He stops them by… being insane of course! He shouts at them from an overhead rafter without even thinking of pulling the gun. He also uses the fascinating catchphrase “BUTTHORN” They get scared for a moment and then attempt to blow him up till kingdom come. That doesn’t work for some reason, and when he finally reaches for the gun he start dropping them like stool pigeons. He then procides to chase after the remaining criminals desperately trying to escape in the ices cream truck. It all end with a big explosion and imminent death, and soon enough another saxophone melody to signify the job well done.

Next thing you know Busey is heroicly pulling a bullet out of his shoulder in his bathroom while a naked lady with a french accent waits for him in his bathtub. Yes, he’s that cool.In the meantime military is conducting a top secret operation that seemingly consists of being captured (with a freakin’ super- tank called Thunderblast) by revolutionaries in Mexico. Now, these are not your typicall Mexican revolutionaries, don’t get me wrong- they are a motley crew of Mexican Freedom Fighters, Russian Comunnists and Arab Therorist proving that we can all get along (as long as we hate America with all our hearts)!

After sex with french lady Busey is haunted by memories of killing his partner in friendly fire on the mission and breaking up with a love of his life soon afterwords.Strangely the love of his lifei s the same blond chick that just ended up being captured in Mexico.

I think Collonel likes her too!

He is woken from his flashback ridden dreams by FBI agent Blackburn wanting to recruet him once again, ’cause they need him- now more than ever. He initialy refuses their offer but after being irritated by one of the agents (and beating up the said agent) he decides to head out to Mexico and save Devon and the General.We get a few more flashback, most notably of Busey playing the sax on the beach while Devon walks beside him and the action starts!

OMG, it’s Saxman all over again!

McBain jumps out of the plane like it was nothing, beats up a few goons and heads towards the base in their jeep.Unfortunately his infiltration skills seem a bit rusty ’cause he is captured in about 5 minutes time. Then we have a wonderful interplay between Col. Kartiff and McBain in which of course McBain calls him butthorn and treatens to blow everyone up. Seeing that crazy man’s glow in Busey’s eyes I tend to believe he could to just that. He still ends up crusified on a giant wheel and it seems that he is Bulletproof no more… but fear not, they let Devon talk to him and she uses the opportunity to throw some dynamite sticks and after explosion Busey rolls to safety still strapped to a giant wheel!!! Who comes out with this stuff? Really?

“You spin me right round, baby right round like a record baby!”

Busey then oranises an ambush and after cheerfully proclaiming “Buenos Dias” stert killing everyone in the close vicinity and finaly frees his lady. She is of course greatful but as a bloodthirsty soldier that she is- she also felt the need to do get some killing done before the make out. Hell, she even hit McBain a few times before they inevitably kissed.
After that they finally enter the fabled tank and head out to stop the evil General now jouined by even more evil Russian General (William Smith after being an evil biker in the 70es exchanged that mantle for that of evil Soviet Commander). Terrorist decide to burn alive the old church still containing an American general (that came with Devon) and bunch of civilians but super- tank approaches and a complete mayhem ensues. Evil Russian menages to snap the girl at the end but McBain know no fear and after realizing he is the same dude that made him shoot his own partner 5 years ago he executes him, I believe by a shot straight throw the red comunist star on his cap! I think he finaly got rid of the communist problem for USA that day (even thou generally speaking that problem was always more fabrication than a fact).


“BANG, you’re dead!”

Verdict: it’s more than 80es action film, it’s an 80es film on steroids and even for something like that script is so godawful that I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they had no script ready and had to improvise the whole damn thing. Busey is kinda terrible at being an action hero (he was just born to be a crazed villain) but he’s performance is still fun enough that it keeps you interested- opposite of everything else in this movie! Anyway it’s a crazy film, at some points extremely fun one, but to tell you the truth I still like the Simpsons version better.