Long gestating “Expendables of Horror” aka Death House is wrapping up the last day of filming on the East coast today before moving production to LA.
Movie originally started life as a passion project of Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface) but he unfortunately didn’t live long enough to see the fruits of his labor.Harrison Smith (Head of Independent Genre Development for Carolco Pictures) is responsible for the rewrite and is also on director duties and we are happy to report things are moving smoothly and by all accounts we can expect the finished product in the late 2016/ early 2017.
Movie of course boasts a pretty impressive ensemble of genre luminaries like our favorite Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes), Kane Hodder (Friday 13th, Monster, Se7en), R. A. Mihailoff (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3), Dee Wallace (Cujo, The Howling), Bill Moseley (The Army of Darkness, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2), Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator,From Beyond), Sid Haig (House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects) and ultra- talented Bill Oberst Jr. (Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies) The only one missing is the legendary Robert Englund (Nightmare at Elm Street). Here’s the synopsis and some early production stills.
You can follow the production on the official facebook page- and the official instagram.
We are back to the good old ’80s slashers (personally my favorite genre). We just can’t say no to cheesiness, gore and a lots of tits. Especially when it is about two demented hot chicks having a party and one of them is the screams queen Linnea Quigley. Another interesting fact about this creatively titled movie is that it had been made when slasher craze was going out of style. So let’s see where this leads to.
The movie starts with a wordless, pointless 10-minutes intro which actually made me wonder if the filmmakers couldn’t afford sound equipment. During this intro we see a hot brunette oiling herself near the pool for entire five minutes, then leaving to the room to have sex with her boyfriend, just to be assaulted by teenage blonde girl after her boyfriend left and went to have a shower. And yeah, he was killed by blonde under a shower in another sex scene.
It turned out this scene was a memory flashback (just the first of many) of blonde girl. Her name is Dawn (played by Linnea Quigley) and she was committed to asylum for many years. Now she is having a conversation with her shrink about her releasing. There we find out that she was touched by her mobster father when she was a little girl, that she made a deal with Amy, who also ended up in nuthouse after her boyfriend was killed by Dawn, that whoever gets out first is going to throw a party when the other one comes out. Now, the shrink is obviously a pervert which helped Dawn to achieve her wish of becoming party organizer by blackmailing a not-so-good-doctor with a sex tape. Yup, doc actually didn’t have much care about professional ethic since he had Dawn molested during their hypnosis séances. Not much after, Amy (played by Karen Russell) had also managed to “convince” Dr. Randolph (played by Lyle Waggoner) to sign her release form. It occurs to me that Amy wasn’t quite the victim in gruesome crime Dawn had committed since she holds hatred for men as well and she is obviously a feminist (though, I have never seen anything even remotely to hot feminist chick). Oh, and Amy is daughter of mobster as well. Anyway, both Dawn and Amy have finally gotten out of nuthouse which means it is a party time!
Seriously, a feminist?
And what kind of girly party it would have been if there weren’t for a boys? Dawn and Amy had invited all of their ex-boyfriends. Now think about it. Two certified crackpots who hold a grudge towards men are throwing a party for themselves and inviting their ex-boyfriends? Call me paranoid but it seems to me that there is something more to it. Something sinister. Muahahahaha. Man, who would be dumb enough to attend such event? Well, I guess we are going to find out that soon. First ones to come were Cary, Kevin, Jeff, and Billy. They were all at some point in the past in relationship with either Amy or Dawn. Cary (played by Allen First) was first to reignite the flames of old love. He displayed a remarkable lack of any male dignity since he jumped immediately to shave Amy’s legs during which she dreamed about cutting his veins. At least it wasn’t without purpose. Yup, he managed to score and pass out of exhaustion after that act. Amy’s comment when she found Cary laying on the floor was “Shit, I think I fucked him to death”. Not many such modest girls these days.
He forgot to shave his wrists
Meanwhile, Dawn and Jeff (played by none other than Eric Freeman from Silent Night Deadly Night 2; although he was credited under a different name Damon Charles) are having their own exhibition in Jeff’s car. Dawn had no problem with fucking with him in convertible but backed out after Jeff (who is Richard Grieco wanna be) asked to perform the blowjob. We can see some nice pair of tits here as well. Back inside Billy (played by Richard Sebastian), after following a trail of Amy’s flirtatious look, ended up in the basement with his head smashed by sledgehammer in this hilarious scene:
He is got PHD – Pounded Head Down
Who could have done such a horrible thing? Was it Eric (played by Michael Jakobs Jr.) who was seen arriving at party moments before Billy’s head was flatted to the ground? I wouldn’t place my bet on him. He is just a pathetic overconfident singer of metal band with a retarded name “Chainsaws”. And he is also one of the Amy’s ex-boyfriends. Just like Cary (who btw went to recharge himself with a dose of good old speed), he hurried up to reignite the old flames. But we won’t be seeing any sex scene between them. What we will see is a sex between Dawn and her friend Bart (played by Rodger Burt) who died instantly after in a Alien related scene for which I have absolutely no explanation.
I guess she learned in asylum how to tie a knot
Now the killing spree is starting. Next victim is poor Cary who just wanted to have some late night snack. But instead of food, someone had his throat stuffed with a broken bottle of Champaign. From behind. Hm at least he doesn’t need to worry about dangers of drugs using anymore.
Jeff and Kevin (played by Stephen Steward) have found Cary’s body. Forgetting their roles of tough guys they started to panic and make a wild assumptions about being targeted by mob hitmans. They even assumed that the murderer had already cut phone lines without even trying to call a cops. Instead they went to one of the cars in which they found a gun. Just when it seemed that lady luck has finally smiled upon them Jeff somehow had transformed himself into the mannequin a moment before the murderer had blown his head in another ridiculous scene.
Masks started to fall off
Kevin decides to team up with Eric (not Freeman) and Amy in order to stop the killer. Well, it is not that he had much of a choice. They finally started suspecting who might be the killer. The Final confrontation took a place where it all had begun – in the basement. Two bulked up guys with guns barely managed to overpower tiny girl with the help of Amy who previously splashed the killer with gasoline. The ending then is written by itself. Or is it? Kevin approached the steaming corpse and removed a mask from it’s head. Scorched face of Dawn appears, she opens her eyes and starts choking Kevin. And that’s the ending that leaves a plenty of room for a sequel. Which luckily never happened.
If you see this girl run for your life!
Conclusion: From the movie in which the killer was the most suspicious person from the beginning and half of it’s crew used fake names (even the director David DeCoetau used strange alias Ellen Cabot) you can’t expect much of a quality. Dialogues are hilarious. Plot attempts to be deceiving with frequent flashbacks like it wasn’t so damn clear who is the murderer. I can’t help the feeling that the hidden message here is some feminist crap about girls power and all men being a pigs (which I am proud of). That’s probably the reason why director took a girly name as his alias. More likely the message is that pussy is the MURDER WEAPON. But it is not everything that bad. Yes, the movie is a complete piece of trash, we could all agree on that. But it is also very entertaining flick, consisted of all slasher elements such as nudity, sex, gore and cheesiness. Worth watching.
We’re continuing Marco Di Gregorio month with this little gem of Rambo inspired mayhem!
Returning home after a long time away (some military mission?) young Navajo warrior Thunder (Mark Gregory) visits The Old One (his great-unkle or something) and learns about about of the breaking of the treaty between their tribe and the Americans. Their sacred burial ground (they insist on calling it a cemetery) on Crow’s Hill is being desecrated by the illegal construction of the highway. Thunder enraged picks a fight with the workers and naturally that pisses off quite a few people in the town.
Gathering some sense Thunder takes the high road and follows the attack up by trying the legal path of stooping construction. He busts the hundred and some years old treaty from it’s dodgy frame and insist an audience with the Sheriff. Sheriff, and old B-movie veteran Bo Svenson (Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill, Heartbreak Ridge) wants nothing more than to make Thunder disappear and make his life easier.
Thunder continues his crusade by trying to talk to the president of the bank financing the operation but deputy arrests him and exports him out of the town. Also he threatens Thunder’s life if he ever comes back. Now, after policeman leaves rednecks spot him and start chasing him down while spiting out the most racist things they can think of.
Hilarious part is that the worst of the rednecks is Antonio Sabato who’s obviously Italian as one can get.After being tortured and left for dead Thunder vows vengeance on all of the town. He returns just to be attacked by police momentarily (it seems police isn’t interested in anything BUT molesting local Native population. One policeman sounds especially gay with dialogue like “I didn’t give you permission to bend over- yet” and “you’ll be queer by the time I’m done with you”. But unexpectedly Thunder fights back and his one man mission against the police (and other various racists) starts.
After a crazy car chase random journalist Sherman appears and tries to get to the bottom of all the craziness. Chase continues by foot (and contains a hilarious jump down the canyon) until they finally lose him. He even finds a time to save the deputy who’s not an asshole like the rest of the force.
Journalist seeks out The Old One (who sounds like alcoholic Yoda). Following the case he visits the burial ground with the old Indian. Unfortunately deputies are gather there to lay a trap for Thunder and the old one ends up burned to death!!! The scene is both incredibly tragic and hilarious at the same time.
Thunder surprises them during the night and hunt continues. All the dogs, horses and helicopters don’t really help the police when Thunder menages to get a hold of the full military arsenal. Nothing like a Native replacing bow and arrow with a bazooka.
And like shooting up the place wasn’t enough Thunder steals a construction bulldozer and starts wrecking everything including a Police Station!!! In the end he gets surrounded by the police and end seem near but a good guy deputy decides to help him (’cause his grandfather is Navajo) and smuggles him out of town. Thunder is now free, ready to fight another day! Cue in the Western music…
Verdict:Director De Angelis misses a chance to tackle a serious ( and still relevant) theme of treatment of the Native American population in USA and clings to the old Western tropes like his life depends on it.But truthfully what can you expect from the Italian directors who spent most of their lives copying American Westerns. What we’re left with is almost beat for beat copy of the Rambo (a big hit film only a year earlier) just cheesier and way more nonsensical than the original. Also the poor dubbing doesn’t help at all.
But hell, it obviously worked like a charm ’cause this movie was followed by a sequel Thunder II (1987) and even a Thunder III (1988).
This movie is a trashy end of time action flick that was mainly produced to cash in on the success of two prior post-apocalyptic cult movies, Walter Hill’s “The Warriors” (1979) and John Carpenter’s “Escape From New York”(1981). Of course, when Italians want to rip off something who would else they call than the legendary Enzo Castellari. I believe you have already got the picture.
As you can see, in the very distant future (unbelievably 8 years from the year the movie was made) The Bronx is entirely in hands of criminal gangs. The authorities have decided to give up the Bronx and declared this territory to be no man’s land, where people have to kill each other in order to stay alive. So it was no surprise to us when we saw young girl Ann (played by Stefania Girolami) running in fear on the beginning. while running through a tunnel she gets intercepted by homosexual evil roller ball gang. Just when it seemed that she is done for (they certainly didn’t want to rape her) a group of bikers creatively named “The Riders” show out of nowhere and help damsel in distress. A tall, wide breasted, homosexual guy named Trash (played by Mark Gregory)
learned from her that she is from Manhattan and that she is running away of some evil people lurking there, But more of that later.
No women in this picture
When they came back to their compound The Riders found one of their brother Chris laying dead on the docks. Trash then went to a major player in Bronx, called The Ogre (played by none other than Fred Williamson). The Ogre explained to Trash that The Riders should not have trespassed to his area and that actually he did him a favor since Chris was wearing a tracking gizmo used by Manhattan Corporation. As the following scene had shown, apparently The Ogre was right. Manhattan police were actually monitoring them. When they lost the signal from their late informer they decided to bring up heavy artillery. They sent their best agent Hammer (played by Vic Morrow, who was really badly dubbed in post-production) to clean up the Bronx. And boy, he started cleaning the moment he walked in. Dressed as a postman, he walked in some building and killed with the shotgun two bikers who were making out (no, one of them was a girl. It isn’t what you think it is). Then, Hammer had planted a ring of the rival gang Tigers next to their bodies in order to provoke a gang war in Bronx. Of course, dumb bikers immediately fell on that trick and started raging for a war. Well, almost everybody except Trash. He was suspicious about whole situation. And he didn’t want to risk a war especially now when he already got hooked up with Ann.
This ring has to be thrown into flaming garbage can
Hammer is under a pressure to find Ann so he recruits a local neutral mercenary Hot Dog (played by Christopher Conelly) to help him with that task. Hammer explains to him that the girl is very important since she is going to be the next president of Manhattan Corporation. He also asked from Hot Dog to set up him a meeting with Ice (played by Larry Dolgin), better known to Hot Dog as Fagface. Ice is the member of The Rider, with ambition of become a head of the gang in future. You can now see where this situation leads to. Meanwhile, on the other part of Bronx. Trash and Ann are having open conversation. She explains to him that soon she will turn 18 (which means that Trash has slept with underage girl) and she is going to inherit Manhattan Corporation which
controls a majority of world’s weapon production, and she doesn’t want to take part in it. A real noble decision. On their way back Ann got captured by Zombies (a roller ball gang).
Not a lesbian scene
After learning of Corporation’s plan and losing the girl, Trash decides to go to The Ogre in order to reunite all gangs in Bronx. Of course, that would mean going deeply into no man’s territory through compounds of all the other gangs. After couple of rough beatings and persuasion The Ogre decides to accept an offer. Meanwhile Ice, who sold himself for a handful of silver, immediately runs over like a good puppy to Hammer to inform him about Trash’ plans and new whereabouts of Ann. Hammer sends him to Golan (played by Robert Spafford), the leader of the Zombies with an offer which includes giving the girl back to Hammer in exchange for wiping out The Ogre and The Riders. Trash and The Ogre are also heading to Golan. While on they way there Trash stumbled upon Hawk (played by Nick Alexander) who went to warn Trash about Ice’s betrayal, but was captured by Scavengers somewhere along the road. With his dying breath Hawk
still manages to inform Trash in one of the gayest scenes ever seen in B movies production.
Now we have a Mexican standoff of the gangs. First blood was drawn by The Ogre who killed Golan in duel. Ice tried to escape but was intercepted by Hot Dog, who suddenly repent for his betrayal. Ice wouldn’t have that so he kills Hot Dog using a spike on his boot. But Ice got to taste his own medicine a few moments later when Trash throws him on spike, Then they rescued a girl and went back to The Ogre’s place for a big celebration. Looks like happy ending. Or is it?
While The Ogre, Trash and Ann were celebrating, Hammer conducted a rescuing mission. Dressed as SS officer he sends in heavy cavalry (literally) while laughing like a maniac. Everything ended up in orgies of blood and fire. First to go was The Ogre. And what a way to go! First, he got several bullets inside him. Having no regards for serious wounds he is having, he went then to his throne to light a last cigarette. But it wasn’t the only thing that was lighted since the moment he sat one of the cavaliers burned him with a flame thrower. The King (of Bronx) is dead! But the rescuing mission wasn’t going as Hammer has planed. Instead of rescuing Ann his soldiers killed her which made Trash go berserk, kill Hammer using a harpoon (which is standard weapon of bikers
apparently) and ride out alone into freedom.
Conclusion: First of many wrong things in this movie: the title. It is named The Bronx Warriors despite the fact that most of very obviously was filmed in Brooklyn and Roosevelt Island. Then, for a post apocalyptic flick we can see strangely many pedestrians and cars running in the background. the movie had such potential as a screenplay written by the amazing Dardano Sachetti, but in the hands of Castellari, this turkey doesn’t even come out cooked. It’s got awful acting, baaaaaaaaaaad dubbing, not to mention writing which is horrible at least half of the time (if any character has to speak for more one line it hurts). Also, I can’t believe Italians would just dub out Vic Morrow’s voice with some cheap imitation because this one of the last movies he made before he died (he died in 1982). I mean come on! The guy was practically stealing this movie (with a bit help of Fred Williamson). He deserved his own voice in it! This is waaaaay too grose even for an Italian rip-off and Castellari. End yeah, beside flicks I have mentioned in prologue, this movie also got obviously stolen main character from “Rambo” with a bit of “Clockwork Orange” influence. For shame!
To mention first: This movie doesn’t have anything to do with Jersey Maneater from 1916 (which will be clear to you once when you see the poster), despite the fact that the premiere was shortly after Shark Week has ended. It isn’t even an indie so-bad-it-is-funny flick. No, this movie is about cosmic and human justice putting an miserable end to the most despicable sort of people on the God’s green Earth – guidos.
But it doesn’t seem like that from the beginning. In the intro we can see some sort of mob execution style in the woods. Then it turns to horror beheading and disemboweling of mobsters while some chick tied to the tree is watching the whole show. After a zoom to sawed off body parts killer turns his attention to screaming tied up girl. Then a title of this movie pops up, followed by Beethoven’s symphony in the background (?).
Heads up!
After the intro we are switched to classic New Jersey day. A bunch of ugly sluts are at stereotypical Hispanic gay Rikardo. And of course, he is their hairstylist. One of them is wearing a word shaped necklace with a word “SINGLE”, which just screams “Please kill me, I don’t deserve tp live”. But more of that later. Right now Dina (necklace girl, played by Angelica Boccela) and Teresa (played by Danielle Dallacco) are preparing for girly weekend on the Shore. Another tramp Gigi (played by Christina Scaclione) joins them and they are ready to go. But just before they went to the journey Gigi had a fight with her ex-boyfriend Michael (his real name is not important), a guido who can barely speak out a coherent words. He swears upon something, could be revenge, but we
weren’t able to understand what he is actually saying. Anyway, 3 of them went to the Shore just to find out there that the house they’ve previously booked has been taken by 3 other Latino sluts. So all 6 of them (3 more really ugly bimbos joined) are forced to take another house, deeper in the woods. After settling down there all of them (except Gigi, who went to a meeting with Michael) went to a shore to have a good time. There they met 5 obnoxious fist-pumping guidos who prove them their muscularity by crashing a sandcastle some kid had built and beating up a mimic man who was trying to perform. Real heroes, right. Of course, tramps fell for that. And why wouldn’t they with such IQ? Their level of intelligence was determined earlier when, after learning that a price of tickets for the Devil Tour is a 7.5$ dollars each, Joanne (played by Nicole Rutigllano) said, and I quote “Screw it, we get discount. 50$ for all 6 of us.” Do the math. Meanwhile, Gigi had another fight in the woods with Michael after she ended up with her throat slit from ear to ear.
Seriously, who wouldn’t start a killing spree after seeing this?
Later that evening, after being kicked out from a club for starting a fight, girls invite their new friends to their place. There they are welcomed by the unexpected guest. No, it is not who you think it is. It is Valeries’s (played by Ashley Mitchell) tall, fat and large cousin Rosemarie (played by Leonarda Bosch), who managed to eat almost entire food supply while she was waiting for them. To kick the party rolling they watch DVD copy of Fat Camp Massacre, staring Shawn C Phillips (who may be known to you for his role in Haunted High). But not everyone find that movie interesting. Gino (played by Brett Azar) and second fattest chick around went upstairs to have some fun. While fatty went to refresh herself under a shower, Gino ignores sex invitation and goes to
tan himself (he really should feel lucky that, as a guido, he actually gets to sleep with anyone). Big mistake! Killer came, tied him up with chains and roasted him in tanning bed. Then our hero (yeah we were rooting for killer) moves forward to showers when he had a hard job of slicing fatty. A lot of fat before knife could reach an organs.
Best movie ever!
While fatty and Gino are having their inner organs removed, near the pool party is reaching it’s peak. Tony, Vinnie and Freddy are making plans how to ditch fat Rosemarie. Meanwhile, slutty dumb Joanne and Joey (played by John Michael Hastie) have already took business upstairs. Another big mistake! Killer took a sabre and impaled both of them while they were on pile. No more lovemaking for these birds.
Freddy (played by Chris Lazarro) took the bullet for entire gang and drove away with Rosemarie just in order to ditch her couple of miles away into her natural habitat – farm. When he came back he got pissed because all the girls were already taken. So he decides to take a stroll to cool down a bit. And indeed he did. Killer captured and tied Freddy in a nearby barn and made him watch mutilating of hanged Vinnie (played by Brenton Duplessie). Then it was a Freddy’s turn. Rightful punishment for his irritating laughter is slaughter. Same fate happened to Valerie and Tony (played by Giovanni Roselli) who came after Freddy. Well almost the same. You see, killer had Tony’s hands sawed off but Tony managed to escape just to get shot in the head by nervous policeman. Talking about irony.
When corpses started to pile up, 15 minutes before movie ending, Dina and Teresa finally figured out that something is wrong so they decided to call a police. That didn’t stop murderer to spill Dina’s guts out with the huge knife just a seconds after he revealed his true identity to them. It turned out that it is their old neighbor Edgar (played by Bigfoot). Teresa asked him why he is doing this on which he replied: It is a Jersey thing. Sounds reasonable to me! After a short fight Teresa managed to inflame Edgar’s head with a some sort of bug spray (?). In spite of every logic, she then headed to lake when she tried to escape in small boat. But wait, here is the twist! Edgar had a twin brother Troy who shows up out of nowhere and started to pull boat with screaming Teresa in it. Just when it seemed that Troy will finish his brother’s work, Teresa’s mobster uncle Vito (played by Dominic Lucci) also shows up out of nowhere and puts bullet into Troy’s head in execution manner. On the very end, Ron Jeremy buys the house and shoots the killer who jumped out of the lake. And yeah, Rosemarie still lives with cows on a farm.
There won’t be any reunion
Conclusion: This movie started with the intro which didn’t seem to have anything to do with the rest of the movie. It made it seem as though there was going to be another direction for the film to take. Director Paul Tarnopol (in cooperation with JWow production) firstly tried to make Godfather movie (but it turned out to be more of Analyze This sort), then switched to Friday the 13 flick, with a bunch of untalented and unattractive New Jersey girls. Also, when the only (famous) actor is porn star Ron Jeremy, who is also the best actor here, you get an idea of how bad movie this is. AS for the characters they were poorly written, extremely undeveloped, obnoxious as hell (though this might have been done on purpose), and not to mention awful acting. I sincerely hope that their characters fate happened to all of the ‘actors’ in real life (the best opportunity for it would be in Jersey Shore reality). At least in the movie they’ve got what they deserved.
In a lot of ways Expendables successfully rekindled people’s love for old- school action flicks and we are seeing a bigger and bigger tidal waves of EX inspired films like Asylum’s female mercenaries riff Mercenaries and recent Mark Dacascos’s directing debut Showdown in Manila (with Casper Van Dien , Matthias Hues, Cary Tagawa and Olivier Gruner) but the newest one is perhaps the most intriguing.
Dacascos and company, coming soon!
Coming straight from the slums of Wakaliwood, famed no- budget action director Isaac Nabwana is presenting his grandest opus to date. Combining all the the action stars of Uganda (not that many I know) into one place Operation Kakogoliro aka Ugandan Expendables promises all the kicks, punches, gunshots and explosions we can handle.
Also, IGG is trying to seriously step up production values so he made a Kickstarter and Patreon page for Ramon Film Production. Campaign is of course a success and we can expect too more additional movies too- Tebaatusasula: EBOLA (the sequel to the original Wakaliwood hit) and Eaten Alive In Uganda ( their foray into Canibal genre).
Ah one of the movies dedicated to the techboom era (apart of Weird Science) who glamour computers as a almighty machines capable of changing even a space-time continuum. Also, this one is from back in days when Charles Band still made great *cough* movies. Ok to be honest, Charles Band here had a help of pretty much everybody he is worked with that has some directing skills. But more about that later.
And many more to come
On the very start we see nerdy Paul Bradford (played by bulky Jeffrey Byron), a self-proclaimed Xerox machine A-class troubleshooter who is able to diagnose a malfunction with just plain looking at machine through his futuristic glasses (which looks the same as just any other nerdy thick glasses). Paul, like any other nerd, watches over his physique so he starts jogging after his work hours. Somewhere along the way he meets a flower girl and decides to buy a bouquet. The fact that his wallet is completely empty (not even a personal documents in it) doesn’t concern him because he has glasses! A couple of seconds looking into ATM machine is enough for hacking it and taking amount of money enough to buy a flowers. And for whom is that flowers? For his girlfriend Gwen (played by Leslie Wing) of course, because every nerd has a girlfriend fitness instructor. When Gwen comes home he asks her to marry him. Normally, that is not a reason for a girl to go mad like Gwen did but these are not an ordinary circumstances. The reason why she got pissed off is that that marriage proposal suggestion came from Paul’s experimental computer named Cal. Paul listens to and talks to his computer much more often than he should have. Anyway, Gwen and
Paul go to bed earlier that night and that’s mistake they shouldn’t have made. Because while they were asleep they got teleported to another dimension through Paul’s glasses! Just like that! A moments later Gwen gets captured and Paul finds himself running through the wilderness wearing a medieval clothes, Then a mysterious wizard appears in front of him and reveals that he is responsible for teleportation. Why? Because he believes that Paul is worthy opponent for him. Wizard introduces himself as Prince of Darkness Mestema (played by Richard Moll), who is impressed by “magic” of machines and holds Paul as a master of technology. He also places 7 challenges which Paul must pass in order to release Gwen from captivity. For that Mestema had granted Paul all time access to his computer, by placing chips onto Paul’s arm. So basically, it is a never-ending fight between magic and technology.
Magic
Before he could get what’s going on Paul got teleported (see the picture above) to his first task. He wakes up in wilderness and finds that funny looking dwarves have stolen his strap-on arm computer. He follows them to some cave entrance when he finds his machine left by dwarves. Suspecting nothing he takes and turns his back to go away. But it was a trap! A huge stone giant who was sitting above cave entrance come to life by ridiculous, cheesy stop motion. Giant starts chasing Paul through the jungle. After couple of minutes Paul got bored of playing hide and seek with giant so he destroys him by plain shooting
laser beam to red crystal located above giant’s eyes. First challenge completed.
Much worse stop-motion than Harry Hausen was doing in 1950s
Paul is back to original another dimension. There he engaged into verbal fight with Mestema eventually accepting his game (though it is not he has any other choice). Puff (by which I am referring to more of poor animation and effects) and he is teleported to his second task. Now he is in cave where he meets the caretaker of the dead. Dead people here look more like retarded horned orcs (a reason more why you should try to stay alive as long as possible). Anyway, Paul easily finishes with this challenge with a help of more cheesy stop motion, animation and laser beams. Ok back to Mestema.
This is who awaits you when you die
Time for intermission after second round, Location: Mestema’s dimension. Also it is first time where we have displayed powers of both technology and magic in one scene. To cut the story short below you can enjoy this masterpiece of animation:
After a short discussion with Mestema about musical tastes Paul gets puffed to his third challenge. Now he finds himself at performance of death metal band named Wasp. They also got Gwen tied up on a stage and, like any other metal band, they want to sacrifice her during their performance. Ha what a showmen they are! Cannibal Corpse eat yourself! Of course, Paul doesn’t like the idea of his girlfriend being butchered in public so he disintegrates them using a high frequency sound (!?).
This is how you can fight vs death metal music
The 4th challenge takes place in some sort of vex museum. Every criminal in the world is there. Genghis Khan, Jack the Ripper, werewolf, Einstein… It starts snowing in that room and, like you could guess, every figure comes to life. Logically, Gwen has been taken by Jack the Ripper (no surprise there – she is dressed like a slut). Paul had some problems fighting with Genghis Khan but he slipped away and destroyed entire gang by throwing a crystal Albert Einstein held in hand. Makes sense, since old Albert is clearly a criminal mastermind.
Not fair! They didn’t have electro shocks back in Genghis Khan days
After this Mestema’s belief in victory got shaken a bit. So he offers Paul a freedom and piles of gold in exchange for letting Gwen to stay in his dimension. Paul was dumb enough to reject this offer without thinking about it (I would take the gold and walk away). With such self-confidence boost (which came from his own stupidity) Paul had managed to beat the rest of the challenges consisted of escaping the police after being accused of series of murders of women, wrestling a demon and fighting with nomads tribes in Mad Max vehicles on a post apocalyptic warfare. He even managed to beat Mestema in 1vs1 fight by throwing him to volcano despite the fact that the Prince of Darkness is much larger than him and possesses dark powers. Paul and Gwen get teleported back to their own dimension just in time for their wedding so we get a happy end worth every judging.
And for all you nerds out there these are a kind of chicks you are entitled on
Conclusion: Yup, nothing can stand in a way of technological progress. Not even a demonic wizard with strange and mysterious powers. That would be a message this movie sends to it’s viewers. Plot is so imaginative that it took 7 directors and even more writers to build it. That’s probably the reason why it gets incoherent from time to time. On account of acting I can’t be too harsh since we were actually able to see occasional decent acting. Unlike the costumes though. Those probably were stolen from some kid’s Halloween house party and from other movie sets. If you love excessive doses of 1980s cheese then this is the movie for you because that’s what will you get while watching this. 70 minutes of cheap, cheesy fun, bad special effects and poor attempts of stop-motion. Just don’t expect any Dungeons & Dragons involving here.
Hong Kong cinematography is without a doubt most famous for one thing and that’s action flicks- be it their period peaces or their contemporary action thrillers. On the other hand there is a whole genre that generally gets glossed over by a Western audience and that’s their Horror movies.
This movie was made by an major HK production (Shaw Brothers) but there is nothing commercial or ordinary about it. And you might find yourself mistaken by the name- ’cause this movie does have it’s share of Kickboxing but that is secondary to the bat-shit crazy and psychedelic sequences of mystical battles between Buddhist disciples and an Evil Shaman(s).
The movie starts right out the gate with a fierce kickboxing fight between the Thai champion Ba Bo (Bolo Yeung) and Chinese Chan Wai. Bolo loses the fight but proceeds to punch after the bell and with his inhuman power menages to send the Chinese fighter to the E.R (with a broken neck).
+ for having Bolo show some Martial Arts instead of just being just a strongman as he is regularly cast
Hung Chen’s brother promises to get revenge and arranges a trip to Thailand. But not before some brutal sex with his girlfriend! I guess we all have different ways of coping with stress. Then all of the sudden a mystical symbol appears in the air and this all takes a serious left turn.
Thai people (being really mean by nature) welcome Bolo with great pride and give him championship belt for ignoring the rules and crippling his opponent. They sure don’t like Chinese people over there.Hung Chen find the meaning of the symbol in the local (Thai) Buddhist temple. It turns out the Abbot of the temple expected him.The twist- Abbot is already dead, he was killed by an evil black magician Mai Gussu just when he was about to achieve immortality (man that’s a bummer!)
But it tuns out Abbot’s spiritual powers are so strong he can communicate beyond the grave so Hung Chen finally learns why he is was summoned to the temple. Strangely it turns out he and Abbot are spiritually linked because they were twins in the past life. Also Chen Hung cannon live without him so as soon as Abbot’s body decomposes Chen will also die.
He gets angry and refuses to except his fate but eventually comes to terms with the situation. The only solution for his predicament is to become a monk and use his spiritual powers to defeat Mai Gussu.
Magical battle that ensues puts to shame Gandalf vs Saruman from Lord of the Rings. I mean, just look at this madness!
After seemingly defeating the evil Abbot Qung Zhao is now free to seek immortality and Chen is free to return to Hong Kong. Even though he “saw thru vanity of this world” first thing he does is have sex in the shower with his girl who doesn’t seem too pleased that he disappeared for Thailand for apparently two months. She even threatens to castrate him at one point- man, those Chinese girls really don’t mess around.
Unfortunately back in Thailand other evil wizards gather and a demon woman gets born from the belly of the giant crocodile. I’m sure this has some cultural significance that I just can’t get.
Chen finally fights Bolo and menages to win in a back and forth match. Then he goes blind. He goes back to the temple in Thailand to seek help and they promise to organize another duel (strange how little do they actually help here). Chen unfortunately doesn’t tell Monks that he broke the vow of chastity and that cost him the victory and potentially dooms both him and his spiritual brother (man, why is it so hard achieving immortality over there). Though telling the truth they do give him the mystical essence that can be only acquired from the 1000 year old fungus found in the giant stone head of Buddha (we are not making this up).
After fucking things up his only hope is to find a sacred relic in Nepal. Unfortunately the witch shows up to spoil his plan and also summons a bunch of evil stop motion alligators to help her. Fortunately when all seems lost the Chinese Santa shows up and the witch blows up and Chen can finally have his life back.
Beware of Chinese Santa!!!
Verdict: This movie consists of Buddhism and Witchcraft presented via kaleidoscopic, psychedelic FX and cheesy but weird practical effect mixed with a dose of kickboxing and also nudity- and the result is in equal parts captivating and bizarre. All in all this is a movie everyone should watch at least once ’cause there’s just nothing quite like it.
Martial Arts legend Bruce Lee unfortunately didn’t live to see his ultimate triumph of Enter The Dragon (he died weeks before the premiere). After his popularity exploded all over the world (not just Hong Kong) people were hooked and were left desiring a product (cool Bruce Lee movies)- but having no one to deliver it.
Well, a great number of people saw this as an opportunity for a quick cash grab and soon Brucexploitation was born! Cheaply patch together movies full of horrible look-a-likes (not really) all sporting the names that are so close yet so far away. Names like Bruce Le, Bruce Li, Dragon Lee (who looks like Bruce on steroids), Bruce Ly, Bruce Thai, Bronson Lee (aka Tadashi Yamashita later also a staple in Ninja movies like American Ninja and Octagon).
Now enjoy our Top 5 choices!
05.Bruce Lee in New Guinea
In this mind-boggling flick Bruce Li manages to father a child to a princess of the Snake Island. Also he fights a wizard. When a Kung Fu movie steals the show with nudity and not action you know there’s something seriously wrong with it.
04.Enter The Game of Death
Like the title says Enter The Game of Death is a combination of Enter The Dragon and Game of Death– with a hint of Fist of Fury. It stars Bruce Le who’s generally one of the worst imitators and it has him fighting evil Japanese people again and again and refusing to visit the fabled pagoda for way too long. Lone bright spot is (again) Bolo Yueng as the leader of the first Japanese gang (even thou heis Chinese). It’s nice seeing him rock a cool Katana sword for a bit.
03.Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave aka Visitor of America
This is actually a Korean film that had nothing to do with Bruce Lee until the US Distributor decided to add this awesome intro with the imitator jumping fiercely from the grave. The rest of the movie deals with Wong Han a Korean man trying to discover the truth behind the death of his brother.
02. The Dragon Lives Again AKA Deadly Hands of Kung Fu
This movie starts with the announcement “this film is dedicated to millions who love Bruce Lee” but that doesn’t even start to describe what you’re in for. It shockingly starts after the death of Bruce Lee- who’s soul ends up in Hell. There he meets some fun people like Kwai Chang Caine (from Kung Fu series), Fang Kang (One Armed Swordsman) and also a cartoon character Popeye too? He opens a Martial Arts Dojo with Popaye but attracts a vicious mafia (consisting of Dracula, James Bond, Zatoichi and Man with No Name– not played by Clint Eastwood but rather a local Chinese actor).
Bruce Lee uncovers a conspiracy of Mafia to overthrow The King of Hell (shockingly using a soft- core porn star Emanuelle !!!) He menages to defeat the Mafia ans save the King who grants him back his life. It is definitely the most out there of all Brucexploitation and I wholeheartedly recommend it!
01.Clones of Bruce Lee aka Death Penalty on Three Robots
This is the undisputed winner considering the ridiculousness of the plot ( Profesor Lucas clones Bruce Lee into three adult clones that are then sent to battle crime including a gold smuggler and an evil scientist), presence of the actual Bruce Lee movies luminaries like Jon T. Benn- the Italian mob boss from The Way of the Dragon as crazy scientist (again seen in recent films like Fearless and also Man with the Iron Fists by RZA) and the legendary evil henchmen Bolo Yueng. It also a kind of The Expendables or The Avengers of the Brucexploitation genre because it teams ups all the prominent Bruce Lee imitators like Bruce Le, Bruce Lai, Bruce Thai and Dragon Lee in one place.
Hell, it even has the random FBI agent that looks just like Bruce Lee! If you want a Lee overdose this is the film for you.
To top it off we need to mention the excellent parody of the Brucexploitation genre “Finishing the Game”directed by Justin Lin of Fast and Furious fame. It’s a comedy but man- it’s one of those “it’s funny ’cause it’s true” type of deals.
Jackey Neyman Jones (Debbie) confirmed that the shooting of Manos Returns has officially commenced and they already shot the first scenes with (her real life father)The Master himself- Tom Neyman!
Jackey recently reconnected with her heritage by writing a book Growing up with Manos: The Hands of Fate and following it up by making cool Manos Returns t shirts and art cards that resulted in enough funds to start up the the production of Manos Returns film. As far as we can hear they will also fallowed it up by a Kickstarter campaign early in 2016 (so keep your eyes open)!
Jackie acts as a producer (and we hope an actor too) and is accompanied by a veteran B-movie crew consisting of writer/ editor Steve Folly, director Tonija Atomic, DP Joe Sherlock (Skullface Astronaut) with Racher Jackson (Manos Hands of Felt fame) acting as a manager.
Hopefully we’ll see the return of as many of original actors as possible (unfortunately John Reynolds aka Torgo committed suicide shortly before the original movie premiered in 1966).
If all goes according to plan we will see Manos Returns just in time for the 50th anniversary of the original. Now, that would really be something!
Dacascos and company, coming soon!
Worsemovies 