Month after the beginning ofproduction Raven Banner is launching sales at Cannes and we now have an official photo of Daniel Bernhardt as the titular Deathstalker– and he’s just as badass as I expected.
The Kingdom of Abraxeon is under siege from The Dreadites, a mysterious horde of warriors, whose sudden appearance are rumored to foretell the return of Nekromemnon, an ancient sorcerer long thought dead. Such times of chaos are times of fortune for men like Deathstalker who, having broken ties with all guilds and banners, now ekes an existence from the spoils recovered in the wake of Dreadite attacks.
Our story begins when Deathstalker (Bernhardt) unknowingly recovers an enchanted amulet from a corpse-ridden battlefield, and finds himself cursed by an arcane magick. Now pursued by a monstrous clan of assassins at the behest of the Dreadite scourge, Deathstalker is forced into a perilous quest to reverse the curse and rid the realm of evil.
It will no doubt be great to see Bernhardt back as a lead actor again after almost exclusively playing villains since Matrix Reloaded (2003).
And while you’re waiting forthe Deathstalker movie, first issue of Slash presents Deathstalker comicbook (by Vault Comics) is now out, and yeah- even Bernhardt himself is reading it!
Lacking in quips and memorable moments, we’ve arrived at the series’ blandest offering, but let’s see if we can unearth any goodness. Here we go: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell.
Yeah right
The movie starts with an evil barbarian horde pillaging a village because that’s how all these kinds of movies start. People die, a hero rises from the ashes and has to crush the evil. Like the other films, Deathstalker III introduces a new lead actor to the title role. This time it’s John Allen Nelson, a far less brutish leading man than initial lead Rick Hill. He spends the duration of the film’s 86 minutes trying out different accents, none of which work. After meeting the beautiful Princess Carissa (played by Carla Herd), Deathstalker is entrusted with a valuable jewel, one of three such items that will unlock a magical city, Erendor. Hm collecting three powers to unlock new power? Now, that sounds familiar. I guess lead actors are changing but the concept of these movies remains the same. Also there is some wizard named Nicias (played by Aaron Hernan) who is supposed to help them but disappears at the beginning of the movie the moment shit hits the fan.
The princess is nonetheless killed by a few of the unknowing soldiers and passes the stone and knowledge on to Deathstalker. But wait, he still has a chance to get a job done since later he meets the twin sister of Carissa (how convenient), the feisty Princess Elizena who was sent from the North to marry evil wizard Troxartas (played by Thom Christopher). Troxartas is also after the stones. Deathstalker escapes into the wilderness, where he finds shelter with a couple of nomad women (a mother, and a daughter Marinda who is played by Claudia Inchaurregui). Peculiar thing about these women is that they eat only potatoes and nothing else than potatoes. Plus they are disgusted by any idea of killing animals for a purpose of eating. You see, back in those days vegans were safely isolated deep in woods, far from any civilization. Anyway, Deathstalker develops a brief relationship with Marinda, who gives him a horse. The mother is outraged, so when Troxartas’ henchman Makut (played by Agustín Salvat) appears in pursuit of Deathstalker, she tips him off. Troxartas learns that Deathstalker is the one who is causing problems. The sorcerer resurrects the defeated dead in order to finally get vengeance upon Deathstalker.
One potato, two potatoes…
Deathstalker trails her back to Troxartas’ castle where he is supposed to marry her. Deathstalker is found out, however, and Troxartas gets the stone. The sorcerer finds that a third stone is needed to release the powers of the stones. Troxartas’ mistress Camisarde (played by Terri Treas) tortures Deathstalker to gain information, but he escapes to the woods. He runs into Marinda, and a group of the warriors who Troxartas has resurrected in order to conquer him. Deathstalker learns that the evil wizard keeps dead warriors’ souls in jars stored in the castle along with captured Nicias. Deathstalker promises that he will release their souls in return for helping him in the battle so Marinda departs for the north in order to recruit more people for the attack.
What do we have here?
When Elizena finds out that she will be killed whenever the third stone is found, she decides to help Deathstalker. The third stone is revealed to be hidden in the castle as well (Troxartas sure likes to keep all valuables in one place). When the reinforcements from the north attack the castle, Deathstalker releases the souls in the jars. The warriors from hell attack Troxartas and his allies. Tho I don’t know why are they called “the warriors from hell”. They look just like a regular people to me. Anyway, great swordfight (nah I am shitting you, it is pretty lame) commences between Deathstalker and Troxartas which ends with the evil wizard being impaled, exploded and eventually disintegrated (?!). Maybe he has returned back to Dimension X or something. The three stones are reunited and the ancient city of Erendor is revealed.
Conclusion: Lacking in action, memorable characters and a fun pace, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell is easily the worst entry in the series. The new Deathstalker has no charisma and the film lacks a strong villain. You just can’t take the bald man in tight pants to be evil wizard for serious. In the first two films, there was a large variety of foes including a pig man, zombies and trolls. Deathstalker 3 has the undead army, but they only show up at the end and their screen time is limited. The soundtrack is also unspectacular, with the main theme being recycled from several other Roger Corman produced films. Yes, this is too weak even by Corman’s standards. Even the cover shows an illustration no doubt intended for “Conan the Barbarian” book. This film is sad. Really sad.
In news that no one expected Slash of Guns N’ Roses ( and formerly Velvet Revolver, Slash’sSnakepit) is getting a comicbook label by Vault Comics – and his first project is something right in our wheelhouse.
It’s none other thanDeathstalker, a series that has of course been a mainstay out our blog, especially the movies featuring the original actor Rick Hill ( althoughDeathstalker II has it’s moments). It originally began as a co- production between legendary B- movie producer Roger Corman and the Argentinian producer Hector Olivera. It ended up being such a success that they did full ten movies together- including another one of out favorites-Barbarian Queen featuring Deathstalker actress Lana Clarkson.
“I’m excited to be kicking off a new era of Deathstalker. From Tim Seeley, artist Jim Terry, writer-director-creature FX-wizard Steven Kostanski, and myself, our Deathstalker is a reimagining of that fine specimen of ’80s sword and sorcery. With fantasy, you get a little of everything: horror, magic, sex, thrills, blood, guts, swords, and weirdness. You know—all those things you can’t look away from. And that’s what we’re bringing. So—please—if you share my love of all things wicked, check it out!”- SLASH
Deathstalker and Slash have been admiring each other’s work since the 80s!
Cover by Jim Terry
Like the man said creative team on the book is lead by Steven Kostanski (Psycho Goreman), writer Tim Seeley (Hack/ Slash, Masters of the Multiverse) and the artist Jim Terry (The Crow: Skinning of the Wolfs, West on Sundown).
You can see more art exclusively on Fangoria and you can find a pre-save for the deluxe edition Kickstarter campaign here and you’ll be notified when it starts on the 10. 10. 2023.
Here’s something for those who missed our previousarticle– and those who want to learn some more about Hawk the Slayer sequel comicbook published by the Rebelion.2000 AD Thrill-Cast conducted a fun interview with the writer GarthEnnis where he explains his lifelong fascination with the movie and his approach for the comic. He talks about everything from getting a blessing from John Terry to why is Hawk more memorable than Krull (not sure I agree). Surprisingly he also touches upon another WM classic– Laserblast! Enjoy the interview right here:
You can find the first one on the stands now packed with Judge DreddMegazine #440 and here’s an awesome cover for the second issue – coming out (just after my birthday) 8 June 2022.
We talked at length about different Kickboxers who transitioned to action movies during the golden age of VHS.
One of our favorites among them was always ass- kicking blonde-haired Brit Gary Daniels. Dude went from Taekwondo to Kickboxing and then went on to star in everything from City Hunter to Fist of The North Star to The Expendables (where it took the combined might of both Jet Li and Jason Statham to finally defeat him).
Although mostly known for B-movie action roles he did give us a couple of curve balls this year, first as villain in a new Kung Fu series on CW, something I wasn’t really expecting but now even more so as a Model and Martial Art consultant in a new Epic, Post- Apocalyptic comicbook called RIVALS. It’s Dark Fantasy look is reminiscent of things like Berserk and Fist of the North Star as well as Mad Max and of course Conan the Barbarian.
Gary Daniels as Sago Astar
RIVALS is a Graphic Novel series created by Gerrard and Clarke . Set in a medieval and dark fantasy world with post-apocalyptic overtones, the story revolves around the character Sago Astar – a fight trainer and guard to the leader of Jaan City, Sword Dorn Haath. Though it is a fortified emporium and the one true stronghold on planet Alter, Jaan City is under constant threat from the leaders of the planet’s other six large cities , including the Gokin – a biomechanical and weapon-fused race, and the Dark Mizus amongst many other horrors. Rivals is a new action-packed and epic saga to rival all others. Prepare for war and adventure, for it is coming in droves.
You can see the trailer for the campaign bellow , and if you want to support it Kickstarter link is right here. I for one hope it’s a great success and we can maybe see a live- action version of it one day- my general opinion is that there’s never enough Barbarian style movies out there and Daniels is as good as he ever was.
Unfortunately, we did have to wait a while (more than four years) but the third installation of Killgar and Hogstrong adventures is finally available on Newgroundshttps://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/724905
Cave Dwellers is actually a sequel to Ator: The Fighting Eagle and its original title was Ator: The Blade Master. However, this film was done by the same people who did various other films back in the day so they changed the title, changed the credits and added footage from another film in the credits! Rumor has it that Cave Dwellers didn’t have a script and most of it was improvised on the spot. Wow. But you know what, that explains a lot about this movie. Let’s start with the basic plot.
Old man Akronas (played by Charles Borromel) creates some kind of mystical weapon called Geometric Nucleus (sounds like something you wouldn’t like to mess up with). Akronas feels that it can further the evolution of man, but fears what wicked men like Zor will do with it. Zor knows about this thing and tries to take it. Before telling his daughter Mila (played by Lisa Foster) to go “to the ends of the earth” to find Ator we get 5 minutes of flashbacks from original movie in which is shown how Ator had defeated the evil Spider King. Three minutes later and Mila is already on the other side of the Earth where she finds Ator (played by Miles O’Keeffe). On her way there she managed to kill several professional soldiers and get arrow to the her tit (I guess thats why you can’t quite aim at woman’s heart). Meanwhile, the evil Zor (played by David Brandon) has arrived to Akronas’ estate the moment Mila went out. He is quite an odd villain – big moustache, philosophing a lot while enjoying in sound of his own voice. And he imagines that he is something like Sharlock Holmes since he uses similiar interrogation methods on Akronas instead of just plain torturing him like any other good villain would do.
I used to trace Ator all the time but then I took an arrow to the tit
On the “other side of the Earth” Ator cures Mila’s tit (no, it’s not what do you think) and now he starts philosophizing. Seriously, everyone in this movie are talking some serious, heavy shits instead of just going pew pew all the time. Like the fact that Ator is using too many words for a bodybuilder isn’t confusing enough. Anyway, he wants Mila to prove him that she is really a daughter of Akronos. So he locks her in the cell with nothing inside under excuse that “if she is really the daughter of the Great One she’ll know what to do” (hm maybe I should use this the next time when government’s clerk comes to my home demanding from me to pay my bills). Then Mila in MacGyver style makes explosive literally out of nothing and blasts her way out. So they hit the road. Evil Zor uses his evil spells to lure them into some cave where they get attacked by cannibalistic neanderthals (?) and invisible monster. Wow how did they think of that? Hm I know. They were like “Hm we don’t have any budget so let Miles slaps himself while pretending to fight with some invisible monster”. This scene is so hilarious that you’ll have to check it out down here:
After cavemen encounter (contrary to the popular belief barbarians did exist at the same time as cavemen) Ator decides to visit a small peaceful village, the birthplace of his parents. He tried to organize them to fight against Zor. Instead, they betrayed, poisoned and captured him and Mila. All of that in exchange of Zor’s promise they won’t need to give sacrifices to the Serpent God. But nevertheless, Zor’s soldiers still pillaged them and burned their village. Talk about choosing a wrong side. Ator and Mila have been taken directly to Zor who plans to sacrifice them to the Serpent God along with several virgins (one them is big bearded guy). Ator somehow manages to free himself, then to defeat soldiers, Serpent God puppet and escape the castle. All of that with one swing and a bit of wrestling.
Now when they are free at last they want to go back to the castle they escaped from. Mila suggests secret underground passage (it’s an old castle after all) but Ator has better idea. He will attack from the sky using a fucking paraglider! You can actually hear soldiers stationed on the castle walls saying “Is that a bird”. Well, they didn’t live to see the answer since Ator bombed them with dead exploding herrings. After clearing his way through Ator lands safely onto castle walls and faces Zor in another 1v1 sword-fight. Where he defeats him, obviously. But no clichee will be left out. Akronas didn’t allow Ator to kill Zor under excuse of fair trial. In that moment, seemingly weaken Zor attacks Ator despite any healty logic and ends up impaled on the sword (this was to ensure that none of the cliches would be left out). Happy-end, Geometrical Nucleus (whatever that might be) is safe once again. Mila starts hitting on Ator but he ditches her with the most painless line he could think of: “When I defeat all the evil in the world then I’ll come back to you”. Absolute win!
Is that Ator up there?
Conclusion: Most of the costumes, sets and props look thrown together at the last minute or reused from other low budget productions. Some of this works OK, but most of the time you are wondering why there are handrails in the castle that appears to be 1500’s Bavaria, when the voice over explained that this movie occurs in the dark ages. Why are there samurai running around, and yet the snake cult temple looks distinctly Mediterranean? And how comes that Mila took only 3 minutes to reach Ator but when they went back the same way to the castle it took them over 40 minutes? I know you travel slower when in party but come on! I have to mention camera and night filters which are especially bad during zoomed in scenes. Of course, archive footage, flashbacks from the first part and shameless ripping off Conan the Barbarian are mandatory.
Yeah, I bet you thought I would leave this movie alone. How can I? It has to be pinpointed as an example of how to ruin great original movie with watered down sequel. Though I have to admit that I am writing this review in top secrecy, without even letting know the rest of the Worsemovies crew. I just can’t risk spreading that info since bunch of zombie-like fans of this movie would probably annoy me with their “Why so bad? This movie good. Me smash you” ‘arguments’. But unlike my usual reviews this one will go without detailed analyzing of every scene. Partly because the most of you probably know this movie too well and partly because it really sickens me to write about it.
Somebody call P.E.T.A!
As some of you might recall Conan the Barbarian was quite a success. Director John Milius had done a pretty good job and had a vision of trilogy ending with aged Conan ruling over kingdom. Nice idea. But people from Universal studio didn’t share his views. They were seeing Arnold as a new teenage role-model and they did not like combination of violence, sex, and gore. So what did they do? They dumped Milius and brought more family-friendly action director Richard Fleischer (“20000 Leagues Under the Sea”,”The Narrow Margin”) instead. “And what is wrong with that? He is not an inexperienced director.”, some of you might say. I’ll tell you what is wrong. Everything! Do you want a list? You got it! First, he tossed away original scripts done by comic book writers Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway. I guess the script about half-naked barbarian who fights monsters and meets a lot of half-naked women wasn’t PG enough. Second, Conan gets involved in much more dialogues. And lets face it, dialogues are not what Arnold is good at. Next thing… While Milius had Arnold lose weight and practice swordsmanship so he could look like a real warrior, Fleischer did the opposite thing. Wanting to recreate the giant on the covers of the paperback Conan novels, he demanded from Arnold to bulk up as much as he can. Poor Arnold’s organism probably went into the state of shock during the time between two movies (this might be how the rumors about Arnold’s triple bypass came out in the first place). But Conan didn’t get a lot of muscles only. No, he got feelings as well. Conan now jokes and cares about other people feelings. Fleischer attempted to show us how it would be in one of the most disgusting scenes of the movie, in which Conan completely smashed (after barely one bottle of wine) tries to show how to handle a sword to one of his companions. And his companions… Don’t get me start about them. Arnie gets an idiot side-kick Malak (played by Tracey Walter) to provide comic relief. Then there is Zula (played by Grace Jones) who is some kind of demented amazon warrior. The only thing Zula does in this movie is glaring and hissing like snake at people. And the only person other than Arnold from the first movie is Mako, who plays a role of inexperienced wizard Akiro. There are others as well but more about them soon.
The plot is simple. Evil Queen Taramis (played by “queen” of sequels Sarah Douglas; Superman 2, Puppetmaster 3, Beastmaster 2) promises to revive Conan’s true love Valeria. In return he has to lead virgin Princess Jehnna (played by Olivia D’Abo -complete miscast) and her bodyguard Bombaata (played by now retired basketball player Wilt Chamberlain) on a quest to steal a magic crystal. Of course, Jehnna is the only one who can handle it. With that crystal they will be able to recover a horn that will bring deity Dagoth to life and give a huge power to Taramis. Conan agrees without much of thinking and journey begins. On that journey they face the usual array of monsters, soldiers, evil wizards, ilusions, etc… Conan is confident. He knows what he is doing. What Conan doesn’t know almost until the end is that Taramis ordered Bombaata to kill him as soon as horn is recovered. And Jehnna is going to be sacrificed to Dagoth. That’s why she needed to stay a virgin (and she did thanks to PG). As it always happen, our heroes manage to overcome every obstacle. Unlike the fight between Conan and Toth-Amon (played by Pat Roach) in a hall of mirrors, which is is well-staged, the final battle between Conan and Dagoth is ridiculous, silly garbage.
Conclusion: Is “Conan the Destroyer” watchable? Yes, for someone who knows absolutely nothing about Conan, I suppose it can be a silly sword-and-sorcery popcorn flick. For real fans of Conan this is nothing more than shameful attempt of cashing-in the success of original flick combined with general lousiness we get from the most of the sequels. The basic would even be OK if there wasn’t for retarded companions. Toning has been done drastically and without subtlety. While the fight between Conan and Toth-Amon (Pat Roach), in a hall of mirrors, is well-staged and exciting, much of the rest of the film seems flat, silly, childish and with bad humor. There aren’t many movies in this genre that are worse than “Conan the Destroyer”. Barbarian brothers? Maybe. Hawk the Slayer? For sure.
P.S. In order to show you that half-ass job was done even at production part of this movie here is a complete list of technical errors, or shortly, goofs:
-Telegraph poles visible in the opening scene -When Conan hits one of the Taramis’ guards’ rope nets with his sword it makes two swords clashing sound -When Malak asks “Why are they trying to kill us?”, Conan answers, and the same line of dialogue can be faintly heard playing again -During the fight with Man Ape it cuts to a shot of his friends behind one of the panes, and Malak says “That’s exactly what I would have done, exactly.” His lips don’t match the words at all -Just after Akiro reads the legend on the wall of the crypt regarding the woman-child with a certain mark we can see a pink star shaped mark on the swell of Jehnna’s left breast. However, earlier in the movie, when Jehnna first awakens in the castle of Toth-Amon this same area of her chest is perfectly visible but the mark is not there -When Zula is fighting Bombaata, she leaps from the saddle and throws herself on him, knocking his head-circlet off from the impact of collision. In the very next shot, Bombaata’s circlet is back on his head as he struggles with Zula. -During the opening sequences between the sword fight with Togra and Conan. You can see Togra wearing a long cape in the long shot. When they do a closeup of Togra drawing his sword, he’s not wearing the cape anymore, but when they charge at each other on horseback Togra is wearing his cape again. When the swords clash in the closeup, the cape is once again missing for the rest of the fight -Shortly before Akiro is rescued from the cannibals and joins the party there is a scene where Akiro can be seen on the last horse riding through the forest despite not having joined the party yet -When the smoke dragon carries the girl to the crystal castle she is bare foot, but when the wizard lays her down she is wearing boots -In the first shot of Conan kneeling on the ground with his sword, the shadow around him changes between shots -When Queen Taramis first speaks to Conan, the amount of blood on Conan’s sword keeps changing between shots -During the opening fight sequence Conan drops the net over Valeria’s stone altar. But a few shots later, the altar is bare and the net is nowhere to be seen -In the scene where Malak locks the stone gate by pushing the lever to the left, when the rest of the party enters the room, the lever is to the right (unlocked) again -In the first forest scene, just before they rescue Akiro, the first two camera shots shows Conan wearing a top and a cape-like fur. The next shot and on, Conan is fully topless -As the ice palace is collapsing and Conan is starting to row the boat with his companions with him, he is wearing just a loincloth, but while still rowing the boat in the middle of the lake, he is fully clothed -During the start of the fight against the temple guards, Conan throws his dagger into one of the guards. Later on when they reunite with their horses, the dagger is back in its place -In the ravine just after they get the Horn, Conan’s dagger is visible, despite being lost in a previous scene -Man Ape firstly claw-swipes and then scratches the left side of Conan’s head. Those claw and scratch marks on his face and left side of his head are visible -During the fight between Conan and Man Ape, Conan gets four bloody scratches on his arms, but there was no showing of Man Ape scratching his arms -When the ice palace is falling apart and the party is just rowing away inside still, you can see a moving crew member in the rock formation above the water. Also, in the same sequence, in the frontal shot from the back of the boat, the skull is on top of the rudder and a spike points down, in the rear shot of the party the skull is on bottom and the spike points up -During the first battle, when Conan hits the second horseman with his sword, as the man falls from his horse there is a shadow of the cameraman on the ground -While Malak falls from the waterfall there is a harness attached to his back -During his battle with Man Ape, the blue make-up used on the monster can be seen rubbing off on Conan’s body in various scenes for short periods -When Jehnna is bestowing Conan’s companions with rewards, there is no sign of damage to the room -When Malak throws his knife at Dagoth as Dagoth is trying to break Conan’s arms, a black wire can be seen on Dagoth’s arm
-When Conan repeatedly swings his sword through Man Ape, certain shadows and areas of Conan’s body and hair are invisible (allowing you to see through him) for brief periods
We can not talk about The Conquest, probably our weirdest and most fascinating entree into the Barbarian (aka Sword and Sorcery) genre without talking about the man who directed it- Mr. Lucio Fulci. Starting his career as a director of Italian comedies he subsequently moved to more fitting (and by that I mean more violent) genres like Spagetti Western and then horror movies. He claimed worldwide fame with the notorious Zombi 2 (aka The Zombie) billed as an unofficial sequel to Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (something akin to the things Albert Pyun is doing- just better).
Now, many of those hyper- violent and gory films were scripted by his collaborator Dardano Sacchetti (sort of like Jagger/Richards of the Giallo Horror). So, when Lucio decided to take a break from he usual routine and try his luck with a (supposedly) A-budgeted project (co-production between Italia, Spain and Mexico) inspired by the early Conan the Barbarian craze and didn’t bring Sacchetti with him that created rift between them and they never collaborated again. Many people consider The Conquest the turning point after which Fulci’s career never reached former highs (although the loss of quality can also be attributed to Fulci’s problems with the diabetes and his constant battles with depression). “So, was it all worth it?” you ask. Well, you’re about to find out.
Film starts with a very ethereal (and also very foggy) ceremony that marks the boy’s passage towards the manhood (and also equips him with an armor and a magic bow (more about that later). Then we are bombarded with extremely synthesizer- based score that sounds incredibly like as of a bad outtake for the He- Man cartoon. Things get more crazy from there with an inarticulate chants performed by seemingly barely legal naked girl with a golden mask and feathers (I am not making this up- and you can see this pic as a proof).
Sabrina Siani ( Ocron) continued to be just as naked in all her other roles, unfortunately she also continued to be just as flat
Enraged pack of Dog-men (yes, such things do exist in this universe) attack the human village and ravage it completely.Poor leader who tried to reason with them gets his head opened and brain smashed for his efforts and they even find the time to pull apart one lady (a most horrible death if there is one).
Saving a lady from the snake the boy- Ilias provokes a wrath of some local barbarians. Enamored with his bow they try to take it from him but end up taking only arrows (to the knee of course). Unfortunately he runs out of arrows and stars runing for his life. Just when it seems that it’s too late a musclebound barbarian appears and starts wrecking hawk with his BARBARIAN NUNCHUCKS!!!
Barbarian and the boy start the journey together all the while having interesting moral dilemmas (it’s ok to eat an animal, but only if someone else has killed it, also it’s ok if you kill the man that killed the animal and eat his animal). But golden headed maiden still plots their doom and they are forced to run for their lives faced with a pack of Dog-men. After escaping they found themselves in another village, by coincidence the same one where cute girl that Ilias saved lives. The two of them sneak out after the dinner when everyone is sleeping and… SHE GETS BRUTALLY KILLED BY THE DOG-MAN!!! Then they proceed to rape and slaughter everything that moves. Our hero somehow survives but gets overwhelmed and captured- presumably so they can eat him
for dinner.
A hero, or a dinner?
It all falls down to his nunchucky-wielding barbarian friend Mace and he doesn’t disappoint.He uses diversion- gunpowder explosions while he frees his friend and then together they start chopping up terrified Dog- man. They maybe are good guys but that doesn’t mean they are into mercy and all that stuff. In the meantime the evil Ocron is performing a mystical ceremony by rubbing herself with a really big snake (if there is some symbolic in this I won’t point it out). She summons the evil master Zora to this plane offering him his body and soul in return for the Ilias’s head and his bow (man, she must really like that bow).
Ilias insists on punishing Ocron for her crimes and his barbarian friend reluctantly agrees to take him to her.They go hunting for food but get surprised by some cartoon arrows.They escape on the raft but Ilias almost dies from the infection (arrows were obviously not just drawn by hand by also poisoned). While he struggles Mace the barbarian fights of some swamp yetis and then confronts the dark lord Zora. Zora using old Mortal Kombat trick copies all of Mace’s powers (and his good looks) and now we have ourselves a barbarian nunchuku fight! That alone is worth the price of the movie.
Now Ilias finally realizes it’s time to go back to his mystical land and that he’s got nothing to be ashamed of (I mean he almost died minutes ago) but as he’s sailing of his barbarian friend gets captured by those crazy yeti creatures. He sees not other way and returns and with that demonstration of courage he finally becomes a man. Also when you’re a man you get cool laser arrows like this.
Man, this is badass!
He saves his friend and finds the time to play with the dolphins (no, I don’t know how that fits anything) but mighty Zora is still not stopped. He menages to surprise them in their sleep and capture them. And then- beheads Ilias!? Ok, I have to admit I’ve never seen the main character headless in the third act of the movie before. Ocron tries to drain the mystical power from the head of Ilias but fails because his soul has already moved on and we have final confirmation of that in the vision of Mace who gets visited by Ilias ghost. Mace following the instruction burns his friends body and covers himself with ashes for protection. And then- IT REVENGE TIME!
As you can see Ocron finally loses her mask (she has a funny wolf head) and soon her life too. She does get reborn as a white wolf but that’s another story (one I’m afraid we’ll never learn).The End
Verdict: So, was it all really worth it? Well, my guess is- probably not. But still- this film stands firmly as a the most fascinating anomaly in the Barbarian genre. With it’s extreme gore and nudity, strange and surreal atmosphere, and unexpected story structure ( bravely choosing to deviate from Campbell’s Heroes Journey standard) The Conquest deserves to be admired.
While we close off our (extremely successful dare I say) Barbarian Month on WM I would like to present you one of my personal favorites. An animated show by brilliant Harry Patridge (aka Happy Harry)who ingeniously combined Space Opera and Sword and Sorcery genres with his off beat humor to produce something that has authentic 80es Animated Show look and all the brutal carnage you can take.
Worsemovies 