Worsemovies

Frank Zagarino and director John Eyres strike again! After Shadowchaser 1 (which was decent), almost the identical crew had brought us this sequel. Was it
the same quality like the original? Judge by yourself.

The movie starts with several suits driving in limo. They are discussing about direct president’s order to dismantle secret, ultimate weapon named “Cobra”  (how original). Apparently, president doesn’t consider SSSR as a threat anymore and wants to end a cold war (doing that by bypassing Congress and Pentagon).  Suits ought to disagree with that. Their opinion is that North Korea and China are rising to be a new, even bigger threat (you can’t get wrong when you are  afraid of communists). But, order is order, and they got 28 days to move Cobra technology (oh come on, be more creative next time) to Raikon facility. Also,  this information is top secret, and superweapon shouldn’t fall into wrong hands. Yeah, in dreams. Old story.
Next scene takes us 3 weeks later. While washing his hands in toilet of facility building, Raikon employee gets executed by another Raikon employee. Hm, what could that mean? I guess we are going to find out sooner or later. And then title of movie pops-up.

Not a Blair witch?

Somewhere on the dusty road, 10 years old kid with mullet named Ricky (played by Danny Hill) is hitchhiking. He didn’t need to wait for long since  convertible  took him soon after. Both driver and Ricky have same destination – Raikon industries. Meanwhile, in that facility, everybody is in haste to finish  dismantling on time. Remember, they got only one week left. And it is Christmas. Lead scientist Laurie Webber (played by Beth Toussaint) is having an argue  with their employer about their 12-16 hours of work time per day. But deadline must not be crossed. A moment later Ricky and mysterious driver, who is  alcoholic btw, are arriving to facility. It turns out that Ricky came to see his mother Laurie and that driver is Frank Meade (played by Bryan Genesse) who  is mechanic at Raikon Industries. But he is soon-to-be an ex-mechanic, since his constant drinking and slacking at work had led to firing his ass (which again was tolerated until the moment he made a remark about Laurie’s ass). And I forgot to mention that toilet-killer had also enter the building. Shits are about to hit the fan. Which had happened in the evening when special delivery arrived. Special scientist Joe Hutton (played by Todd Jensen), who is obviously a spy (you could tell that by first look at him), was about to take care of it when another nosy scientist stormed in and demanded that he should  be the one to open a special crates. It turned out that curiosity really can kill you, since gun with silencer had poked out of crate and made second  bellybutton on unlucky scientist.

This is what happens when you open your Christmas gift earlier.

Later that night, the entire band of terrorist had stormed in, massacring everyone around, and showing no mercy even for women. After clearing the first  floor, they decided to get back up. So, more terrorists are about to arrive. But no, this back up is consisted of one albino-android (played by Frank  Zagarino) who looks like Billy Idol on anabolic steroids. Android, with the escort of 2 terrorists, goes on the second floor where Christmas party is being  held. With the complete lack of Christmas spirit, Zagarino went to killing spree, showing no mercy even for Santa Claus, thus putting an end to this party  much before everyone got drunk. Soon, they reveal to us their true goal. Besides of stealing the Cobra technology, they want from government to release from  prison 2 of their brothers “freedom fighters” (of course, those prisoners are Muslims), giving them only 6 hours of time, or else they are going to launch  nuclear missile on Washington. Oh come on, this is too much cliché even for 1994.

He ruined Christmas!!!

And what our heroes are doing during that massacre? All three of them are hiding in the basement. And they are not even together. Being separated in such  moments must be very smart thing to do, especially for 10 years old Ricky. He was hiding and minding his own business when fat, bearded pedophile-looking  terrorist captured him and started touching him. For keeping out things of going much worse for poor Ricky (and us, for that matter), we should thank to  Frank (not Zagarino) and his heroically assault on armed pedophile. After some fight and showing us his martial arts skill, Frank managed to scorch the  terrorist in one of more ridiculous scenes of this movie.

But now Laurie needs a help. She has been attacked by straight terrorist with night vision goggles. So, Frank Meade to the rescue again! Interesting thing is  that alcohol gives a strength to Frank, since he got hidden bottles in every single corner of facility. Power of drunk – activated. More martial arts. Brain  damaged terrorist who uses a nunchakus to choke his enemy instead of beating him. Frank steals his nunchakus, beats a crap out of terrorist and, for coup de  grace, finishes him with small axe throw. Outstanding!!!

Now, the chasing begins. Laurie apparently got chip needed for entering the vault and activating Cobra Technology. It is hanging by her neck. Joe Hutton  starts to lose it but Zagarino calms him down very quickly, with his strong arm. Meanwhile, while Joe and android are settling their argue, Laurie finds out  that Cobra System is actually multi-headed neutron bomb so powerful that it’s blast can’t be controlled for single-targeting so it has to be dismantled (big  bombs, always about big bombs). In order to prove to government that he is not joking, albino-android takes down a plane full of passengers. Actual scene of missile hitting the plane and  explosion of aircraft is such a nonsense, that it makes me wonder if director of this movie have ever seen explosion in his life, apart of cartoons.

Make a wish, star is falling!

We are now at point of movie where you can precisely see how bad it actually is. Zagarino takes things into his own hands, and goes alone in search for chip.  Seems like a mistake, don’t you think? Well, wrong. Not even that he managed to singlehandedly retrieve a chip, but he also managed to capture Ricky. I just  fail to see a point of that, especially when keeping in mind that he wanted only girl alive. Well, no point in thinking about that now. Anyway, bad guys have  found the bomb and it seems that USA can start shitting into her own pants. But, gang still wants to settle the score with our heroes. So they send cheap  imitation of Rambo, who ends up electrocuted. Only in this movie.

Funny thing how can you get electrocuted when holding isolation in your hands.

The real garbage is left for end. I don’t want to spoil your potential watching of this movie, so I will be short. Let’s just say that that garbage is  consisted of android showing his emotions and cracking oneliners all the time, archive footage of F-15 planes (tremendous), girl overpowering android and  impailing his steel body, minutes that last for 100 seconds (probably the only original idea of this movie, but pointless), and awful , awful,  awful blue  screen explosion….  For the very end, Laurie makes a remark about Frank’s ass. But that’s not everything…. List of credits is followed by twisted, sick  remix of “Jingle bells” song. Complete brain smasher.

Metric time?

Conclusion: I really don’t know what to say about movie so full of clichés, where androids have sense of humor and show more emotions than actual living  people, minute lasts for 100 seconds, planes exploding 5 minutes after being hit by missile… It even would be fun to watch if there wasn’t so much Americanism and anti-communists propaganda, which are plain boring. Creativity of directing and producing team is on the level of mentally challenged reality show participates. Only thing worth of mentioning (on the plus side), is martial art performance by Bryan Genesse. He is the only one who knows how to fight, including the star of this movie, Frank Zagarino.